MONSTER.COM
Position: Chief Executive Officer, Washington, D. C.
The Republican Party is urgently looking
for a new CEO to head up the nation’s executive branch. The successful
candidate must be at least 35 years old and a natural born citizen. Preference
will be given to those individuals who already live in or near the Washington,
D. C. area and are thus able to assume the job as soon as possible.
Role
Description:
The nation’s CEO is responsible for the
entire executive branch of the federal government. He will carefully formulate
detailed policy initiatives to be presented to the legislative branch for
possible passage into law. The CEO works closely with the other branches to
ensure the smooth and efficient functioning of all aspects of the government.
He will coordinate with elected officials at the state and local levels to
implement domestic policy. At the same time, he will liaise with foreign
national leaders to ensure smooth international trade arrangements and peaceful
foreign relations.
Skills
required:
The position of the nation’s top executive
requires an individual skilled in legislative implementation, policy
formulation and international diplomacy. The successful candidate will be
someone with highly developed written and verbal skills, keen discretion and an
ability to think before speaking. Preferably, he will have extensive experience
in one or more elected positions or, at a minimum, ten or more years in a high
level military position.
Ideally, the new CEO will be a lifelong
member of the Republican Party and willing and able to listen to the views of
Congressional members of his party. He will know the difference between true
and false and will be skilled in the diplomatic arts such that he will not
alienate the nation’s allies and will not give aid and comfort to its enemies.
It is of utmost importance that he not be beholden to any foreign power or be
smitten with autocrats and oligarchs of any kind.
Benefits:
The CEO position includes significant
health and dental benefits. The incumbent is also entitled to Secret Service
protection and has diplomatic immunity. He will be provided with free
transportation within and beyond the Washington area although it is preferred
that he not use such transportation to travel to his own properties.
Housing is provided. The successful
candidate will live rent-free in one of Washington’s premier residences for
anywhere from two to six years. Thus, there should be no need to spend money
traveling to other residences except for his nearby country retreat at Camp
David.
The salary is $400,000 per year with a
$50,000 non-taxable expense account. There is a post-employment annual pension
of $207,800. Although there are no stock options or bonuses, upon retirement,
the CEO will be able to set up his own library in the location of his
choice.
Application
process:
Any interested candidate should submit his
CV together with at least three letters of reference from non-family members attesting
to his honesty, integrity and intelligence. A detailed listing of skills should
be provided including technical and computer skills. However, it is preferred
that no candidate should have any involvement with social media in general and
Twitter in particular.
The successful candidate should be
available immediately subject to a potential minor Constitutional impediment in
the 25th Amendment and in the Presidential Succession Act. For the
sake of the nation and the Republican Party, the employer anticipates the
cooperation of anyone in the CEO line of succession to step aside and make way
for the winner of this competition.
The Republican Party requests that all
applications be made and kept in confidence and, in particular, that no
applicant inform the current CEO of this competition.
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