As Canada Post continues to
eliminate home delivery service by erecting even more community mailboxes, it’s
unclear what its business will look like in the near future. Perhaps this
recently leaked internal corporate memo will help answer that question.
MEMO
TO:
Big Shot Executive
FROM: Aspiring Big Shot Executive
The latest transition from home delivery to community mailboxes is going
fairly smoothly. Despite some local objections, we’ve managed to install lots
of new mailboxes and by the end of next year we should have pretty much
eliminated home delivery from coast to coast to coast.
Needless to say, the savings from this initiative are huge and, when
coupled with our regular increases in the cost of stamps, the bottom line is
looking pretty sweet. Even if letter mail declines by 25% over the next couple
of years, our profits should increase by double that.
As discussed, the long term plan is still a little hazy. Hopefully,
letter mail will level out over the next few years, at which point we can
initiate our “Market Mail” plan. As you’ll recall, Market Mail is our
focus-tested phrase to cover the privatization of letter mail.
Once we’ve established a steady, reliable baseline volume of letter
mail, we’ll put various routes out to tender to the private sector. Our studies
show that there are numerous companies ready, willing and able to pay top
dollar for exclusive delivery rights in every major Canadian center.
Even the routes in mid-size cities should fetch attractive bids. We’re
even hoping to make a few bucks on the selloffs of routes in smaller centers.
As for remote rural routes, we may have to eat the bills on them for awhile
although continued stamp price increases should make even those routes attractive.
As for package delivery and courier services, it’s pretty clear that our
private sector competitors can handle such things just as well, if not better,
than us. That means all we need to do is get a bit of legislation passed and
we’re in a great position to auction off those services to the highest bidders.
The question then becomes what will our core business be? At some point,
stamp selling will be totally handled by franchisees. That, of course, is
another lucrative profit center.
We’ve brainstormed this matter over the last few weeks and I think
you’ll find we’ve come up with a very attractive option. By the next decade, we
anticipate that Canada Post will have considerable cash reserves due to
selloffs of our core businesses. Of course, we’ll also a large number of post
offices and lots and lots of delivery vehicles.
We propose using some of our windfall profits to convert our postal
outlets to coffee shops. Given that we already have hundreds of outlets in
great locations, we’re in an ideal position to immediately establish a coast to
coast chain.
Some are going to criticize this plan as a loser given that we will be
competing with already well-established chains like Starbucks and Tim Hortons.
What they don’t understand, however, is that we will have little in the way of
overhead since we already own the outlets.
Plus we’ll have billions in realized profits to pour into the upgrade of
those outlets and a nationwide marketing campaign. And the final kicker is that
we can use our extensive fleet of trucks to provide door to door “coffee and
crullers” delivery service almost anywhere in Canada.
If this plan rolls out as we envision it, Canada Post should soon become
the nation’s premier coffee and donut chain with a home delivery service second
to none. Our new ironic motto? That’s right: “We Deliver!”
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