Dear Dr. Bureaucracy

Dear Dr. Bureaucracy” - An occasional advice column for those with questions about the sometimes mysterious functioning of government.

Dear Dr. Bureaucracy:
I am an appointed senator living in the nation’s capital. For several years, I claimed living expenses for my Ottawa home because my “permanent” residence was in PEI. I was told there was no problem in doing this especially since some of my colleagues did the same thing. Now everyone’s telling me that this was wrong, that I owed $90,000 and that maybe I should resign my position. Even though I repaid the money, lots of folks are still giving me a hard time. What can I do to make this problem go away?
Mike the Spud

Dear Mike:
First, let me say that I’m really sorry you got caught in this mess. It’s sad when a hardworking fellow like yourself gets pilloried for a measly ninety grand. I’m sure you earned every penny of that money, if not by doing your Senate duties then undoubtedly by carrying out many informal functions for your political party of choice. The trouble is, Mike, you got caught and that means you have to pay the price. After all, you can’t expect your friends who are doing the same thing to come forward and support you at this point, can you? Time to fall on your sword. It might hurt for awhile but, trust me, your pals will take care of you and in a few years it’ll be like it never happened.

Dear Dr. Bureaucracy:
I’m really perplexed about the workings of government. I gave up a lucrative private sector job to come to Ottawa to help out the PM. All was going well until this guy Mike begged me for $90,000 to help him out of a jam. Since I’ve got plenty of dough, it seemed like a good idea if for no other reason than to get this guy off my boss’s back. So I wrote him a cheque and now I’m taking all kinds of flak and had to resign my position. What gives? Isn’t this still a free country where a guy can spend his money how he wants?
Noble Nigel

Dear Nigel:
I’m surprised that you got caught in this mess. You know how in the private sector when you sometimes have to pay a bribe to get a job done or do a few unsavory favors in order to secure a contract? Well, Nigel, government is pretty much the same. When’s the last time you paid off a third world dictator with a cheque? Exactly. The rule of thumb in business applies equally in government: no personal cheques; cash only. If you need more advice on this matter, I suggest you ask someone like Brian Mulroney. Anyway, tough break, Nigel, but lesson learned, right? Don’t worry; this will all blow over in a few months and you’ll probably be in line for a Senate seat.

Dear Dr. Bureaucracy:
I’m a reporter with a large Ottawa-based newspaper. Recently, I wrote about a joint Canada-U.S. military exercise that was already a matter of public record. The next thing I know I’m being investigated by the Canadian Forces National Investigation Service for an illegal leak. What gives?
David the Defence Reporter

Dear David:
What gives? How could you have been a reporter on the defence beat for all these years and yet be surprised by all this? I’m assuming whatever you wrote failed to pass the “embarrassment test”, meaning that it somehow embarrassed the Minister of National Defence. That is a definite no-no. If you write a flattering report, no one cares where your information came from. It could be the most confidential stuff from the leakiest inside source but you’re immune because the powers that be look good. Next time, David, consider saying something nice about the Minister and I’m sure they’ll call off the goons. Who knows? If you write enough puff pieces, you might even be in line for a Senate seat. Just ask Mike and Pamela if you need any help.

Dear Dr. Bureaucracy:
I’m the sitting Tory MP for Saint Boniface, Manitoba and Elections Canada says I didn’t file the proper campaign documents after the 2011 election and therefore should be suspended. I’m confused. After the initial investigation, I filed a revised campaign financial return which explains everything. Why am I still being harassed?
Saint Boniface Shelley

Dear Shelley:
The answer to your question is simple: Robocalls. That involved some serious malfeasance  and to avoid someone discovering who was behind the whole thing, a distraction is required. And that distraction, Shelly, is you. The government has to be seen to be taking action against wrongdoers and you’re it for now. Think of it as taking one for the team. Not to worry, though; hopefully by next year you’ll be rewarded for your loyalty. Senator Shelly sure sounds nice, don’t you think?

The PM's Performance Review

       Treasury Board President Tony Clement recently announced that he is “drawing a line in the sand” by implementing new mandatory performance agreements for federal employees. “I want to be crystal clear,” said Clement. “Either poor performers improve and become productive employees or we will let them go.”
  If the government is serious about this new initiative, we should soon be seeing the following performance review for our country’s top federal employee:

NAME: Stephen Harper
POSITION: Prime Minister
CLASSIFICATION: PM-26
GOALS: The incumbent set certain goals for himself over the last few years including the following:
(1)  To oversee the nation’s finances and ensure that the annual budget is in surplus thereby reducing the national debt
(2)  To implement and enforce stringent ethical guidelines thus ensuring the effective and efficient deployment of government resources
(3)  To eliminate patronage in the federal appointments process
(4) To efficiently oversee Canada’s military and reign in unnecessary expenditures
(5) To reverse the previous trend to ignore democratic traditions and to instead honor and abide by  fair democratic principles and procedures
(6) To effectively delegate various responsibilities to ministers of the Crown in order to effect a more efficient federal public service
ASSESSMENT: The incumbent has failed to meet the basic requirements of the job. As for his specific goals:
(1) When the incumbent assumed his position, there was a significant annual budgetary surplus and the national debt was on a downward trend. In short order, he managed to convert that surplus to an ongoing annual deficit thereby increasing significantly the national debt. The incumbent has repeatedly assured his employer that this matter would soon be rectified but no sensible fiscal solution appears to be forthcoming.
(2) The incumbent initially made a strong commitment to the creation, implementation and enforcement of strong ethical guidelines for himself and all others at the federal level. Unfortunately, he has failed to match that commitment with commensurate action. In fact, he appears to have surpassed his predecessors in appointing his friends and allies to the Senate and all manner of boards and tribunals.
(3) (see no. 2 above)
(4) The incumbent has failed to reign in military expenditures. If fact, he appears to be engaged in an ongoing military hardware shopping spree that is costing the Canadian taxpayer countless billions of dollars. In particular, the incumbent entered into an untendered sole-source contract to buy F-35 fighter jets and his delegates misled the public as to the real cost of that contract.
(5)  The incumbent has been successful in publicly stating his faith in our democratic institutions. Again, however, he has failed to match his actions to his faith as evidenced by his willingness to prorogue Parliament for his own personal political gain.
(6) Delegation has not been the incumbent’s strong suit. Rather than truly delegate various of his functions to his ministers, he has retained almost all decision making powers and reduced his ministers to powerless minions. His preference for micro-managing has damaged not only his position but has also undermined the authority of dozens of ministers thereby limiting the flexibility and accountability of the government as a whole.
RECOMMENDATION:  In summary, the incumbent’s performance is unsatisfactory. Given that he has been given numerous opportunities to meet his goals but has still failed to fulfill them, there seems little point in prolonging his current probationary status. Rather, it is time to terminate the incumbent and replace him with a younger, fresher, more flexible face.
(Note to the incumbent: You have the right to have this assessment reviewed at the next level. In this case, the next level comprises the Canadian electorate. You are free to “call an election” at any time and ask the Canadian public to overturn this review’s recommendation.)

Name that Scandal

Now that it’s clear that the ongoing Senate shenanigans are not just a one-week wonder, it’s time to give this scandal a name. After all, if we’re going to be reading about this stuff for the next few months, we’ll definitely need a shorthand way to refer to it.

Rule no. 1: Don’t give it a name ending in “-gate.” Although it’s tempting to simply add that suffix to the latest wrongdoing, it’s a lazy approach. So unless it involves wrongdoing by Microsoft  Chairman Bill Gates, no more “gates.” Plus, Watergate was an American scandal. There’s no need to debase our Canadian political screw-ups with “gate”-suffixed designations. Does any Canadian take pride in Tunagate or Shawinigate? If it’s a scandal that has legs and one that we value at all, it’s deserving of its own unique moniker. Thus, no Senategate, Puffstergate or Troughgate. We’re Canadian and we deserve our own homegrown names for our own homegrown scandals. 

Rule no. 2: Don’t focus on just one person. It might be tempting to center on the biggest and most entertaining target and name the whole affair after Mike Duffy as in The Puffster Affair or The Duffy Scandal. But unless your name is Gerda Munsinger or Monica Lewinsky or there’s sex involved, limiting things to one person is shortsighted and inefficient in the long run. After all, we already have several other potential players like Pamela Wallin, Patrick Brazeau and Mac Harb. Since there are more than a hundred   senators, chances are that at least a few more may be ensnared by the illegal expenses net before this thing has fully played out.

Rule no. 3: Don’t be too specific in naming the scandal. It’s tempting to assume that this one is all about the Senate and that a moniker like The Senate Scandal or The Red Chamber Affair will suffice for the duration. But we’ve already witnessed the involvement of a non-senator in the person of Nigel Wright , Prime Minister Harper’s chief of staff. That’s not to say that Mr. Harper himself was also involved but it’s not proper scandal-naming etiquette to rule him out completely at this stage. Scandal naming demands inclusivity because you just never know how far reaching a scandal will become.

Rule no. 4: Identify the geographical or corporate nexus of the wrongdoing. Watergate, the sine qua non of modern day coverups, was named after the Washington, D. C. hotel where Republican operatives broke into Democratic Party headquarters. But Watergate wasn’t the first to be guided by this principle. The Teapot Dome scandal of the early 1920s got its name from the Wyoming oil field that was the subject of illegal leases, bribes and kickbacks. Iran/Contra and Whitewater both described the geographical loci of the alleged crimes. Canadian political scandals have also generally followed this rule as evidenced by the Pacific Scandal, the Airbus Affair and Shawinigate.

Rule no. 5: Keep it simple. Sure, it might have been more accurate for the media to describe Richard Nixon’s troubles as the Post-break-in White House Cover-up Scandal but, let’s face it, Watergate was a lot punchier. And wasn’t last year’s Robocall Scandal catchier than The Robotic and Telephonic Voter Fraud Affair?  If you want a scandal to last, give it a short name that folks can remember.

By following these five simple rules, we can find a name for this latest malfeasance that Canadians can embrace with enthusiasm and pride. For starters, how about The PMO Affair, The Expense Claim Debacle or The Entitlement Scandal? I suspect there are even better candidates out there waiting to grab tomorrow’s headlines. How about Harper’s Troubles or even Pork Plus? Just remember; if they can do it, we can name it.

Mike Duffy, Intrepid Reporter

Given his extensive reportorial career, Mike Duffy has apparently been hired by his old bosses at CTV News to get to the bottom of the latest Senate scandal:

“Good evening to you, too, Sandie, and thanks for having me back on the evening news. As you might imagine, I’m a little strapped for cash right now and payment for tonight’s report will be very helpful indeed.  However, if it’s all the same to you, Sandie, I’d like to get paid in cash. It’s not that I have anything against personal cheques but my lawyer tells me cash would definitely be preferable at this point in time.
“As for this  latest story concerning the Canadian Senate, I’m pleased to say that it is nothing more than a tempest in a teapot and certainly not a bull in a china shop as some have characterized it. Thankfully, I happen to be an actual, honest-to-goodness senator so that gives me an insider’s perspective on the matter.
“Some folks have claimed that a Senator Mike Duffy falsely claimed out-of-province living expenses for his Ottawa residence. A quick check of the Senate rolls reveals that there is only one senator named Mike Duffy and that’s me. Thus, I’m in a perfect position to investigate the various allegations and refute them with force and finality.
“My sources (i.e. - me) revealed that I am a permanent resident of Prince Edward Island or at least a permanent resident for the purposes of claiming living expenses elsewhere. I have repeatedly interviewed my primary source (i.e. - me) and he has assured me that his P.E.I. residence is not merely a cottage and he does not simply “summer” there. Beyond that, I considered it an invasion of privacy to have him reveal further details.
“In addition to my source’s transparency and honesty, it is worth noting his loyalty and patriotism. Despite his obvious innocence, in order to spare the government and a few of his Senate colleagues from further unwarranted harassment by the media, he agreed to give back the expense money paid to him notwithstanding his 100% entitlement to same.
“As I recently said to my colleague and former reporter friend Pamela Wallin, ethical clarity and aboveboard financial dealings are the hallmark of the field of journalism. Unfortunately, Ms. Wallin was not available for comment but I’m sure she would agree.
“There are also reports that during the last federal election, Mike Duffy submitted Senate expense claims while campaigning for Conservative candidates. Thanks to my close relationship with the subject, I was able to determine that Mr. Duffy did, in fact, make some Senate-related claims during that period but that is simply due to his marvelous and awe-inspiring ability to multitask.
“Just because the ordinary citizen cannot campaign for a candidate, conduct Senate business and be in P.E.I. all at the same time doesn’t mean Mike Duffy can’t. Rather, we should celebrate the extraordinary abilities of this senator and give thanks as Canadian citizens that we are getting full value for our tax dollars.
“Finally, there is the matter of the personal cheque for $90,000 given to Mike Duffy (i.e. - me) by Stephen Harper’s chief of staff Nigel Wright. Again, after a detailed investigation, there appears to be no story here.
“Mr. Wright has been a friend of Mr. Duffy’s for many days and several sources (including me, Nigel and Stephen) insist that there was nothing untoward, unseemly or unethical about this loan/advance/gift. In fact, Nigel said not to worry about it and Stephen said not to call him again....ever.
“This is Mike Duffy reporting from Parliament Hill. Back to you, Sandie.”

Thanks, I Guess

Prime Minister Stephen Harper offered Mr. Obama a basketball signed by the 2010-2011 Toronto Raptors....[and] a golden-framed 19th-century antique map of North America surrounded by drawings of North American Indians and beavers.

- The Globe & Mail - April 27, 2013

                                The White House
                                Washington, D. C.

The Right Honourable Stephen Harper
Ottawa, Canada

Dear Stephen:

Just a belated note to say thanks for the two presents you sent me in 2011. Both Michelle and I appreciate the gesture but you really shouldn’t have. Seriously, you didn’t need to send me the basketball and the map. They say it’s the thought that counts so I’m going to assume you thought that I’d want these two items and, on that basis alone, I appreciate the gesture.
The basketball was a thoughtful gift. I assume you know that I play a little roundball myself and that I’m a big fan of the Chicago Bulls. It’s not like I needed an extra ball but it didn’t hurt to have a spare for my pickup games at The White House. The only problem was there were a bunch of signatures on the ball that I didn’t recognize and it took one of my staff members almost an entire day to wipe them all off. Next time, a new, unmarked ball would be better.
Still, it is the thought that counts and I hope you’ll appreciate that sentiment when you receive my next gift to you. I understand you’re a big hockey fan so that’s why I plan to send you a hockey stick autographed by the 2012-13 Columbus Blue Jackets. Someone suggested one signed by the Maple Leafs but I figured that couldn’t be right since it should be the Maple Leaves, right?
I was initially confused as to why you would send me a 200-year-old map of North America. I assume you know that I have a GPS app on my iPhone and hundreds of bureaucrats who can give me up-to-date positioning for anywhere in the world I want to visit or send a drone strike.
But then I took a closer look at the gift map and noticed that you’d written a few things on it with a marker pen. I see that you drew a dotted line down the middle of the U. S. and labeled it Keystone pipeline. Message received. I understand the importance of this project to you so it wasn’t necessary to also draw a line from Alberta to the Pacific Ocean and write “CHINA?” in big red letters next to it.
On further inspection, I noticed that you also inked in some battle sites from the War of 1812. My staff tells me that you’re a big history buff. Still, I think it was a bit childish to draw flames around Washington, D. C. and write “We Won!” next to it.
Nevertheless, thanks for the presents. I thought about re-gifting them but since they’re both used, I figured that wouldn’t be right. Instead, I’m going to put both items in my next White House garage sale. Rest assured; any proceeds will go to help fight this year’s trillion-dollar deficit.
If you’re thinking of sending me any more gifts, might I make a few suggestions? First, don’t send me an F-35 fighter jet. I’m not sure I’m  going to buy the ones I’ve already ordered and, even if I get one for free, I don’t think we can afford the lifetime maintenance costs.
I’d prefer you just keep it simple and send me something traditional like a tie, a pen or a trillion-dollar gift card. Or if you’d really like to help, give me 30 or 40 more Democratic seats in the House of Representatives or maybe a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate.

Your friend,
Barrack Obama
 

Free Download

Starting tomorrow (May 4th) and for the next five days, you can download the Kindle version of my new book "Screams & Whispers" for free from Amazon.com. Just scroll down to the March 11th entry for my book to get the link to Amazon.

Dear Justy

Amid all the congratulatory e-mails and letters to newly-elected Liberal leader Justin Trudeau, the following ones apparently fell through the cracks:
                                     Shawinigan, Quebec

Dear Justin,
Felicitations. Great job in your leadership campaign. I know you were going to win all the time so it was no big surprise for me.
I think you know that I am a big admirer of your dad. He and I accomplished a lot of tings over the years and I’m sure you can accomplish a lot of tings, too.
So long as you don’t start asking advice from that clown Paul Martin, I’m dere for you. Otherwise, I think you’ll find I’m pretty busy playing golf and visiting China.
All da best,
Jean

Ottawa, Ontario

Dear Mr. Trudeau:
Congratulations on your victory. I look forward to facing off against you in the next election. I’m sure it will be a clean fight and that we’ll get to discuss our differing views on the issues of the day.
In the meantime, my team and I would like to welcome you to what the Germans call realpolitik. You may already have noticed some ads questioning your employment  experience and your preference for Quebeckers. It’s just our way of saying “Hi and welcome to reality.”
Both you and I know that every politician says at least a few things that he later wishes he hadn’t and then afterwards finds them showing up in his opponent’s political ads. Heck, now that I think about it, I wish I hadn’t said that Alberta should build itself a firewall or that Canada should join in the U. S. invasion of Iraq.
But the fact remains that you said a few silly things and we’ve got a pile of money to spend on advertising and you guys don’t. So get used to seeing some negative ads for the next few months. Hey, it’s just our way of saying we respect you and welcome to the neighborhood.
All the best,
The Prime Minister

Dallas, Texas

Dear Justy,
Hope you don’t mind me calling you Justy. I kinda like giving nicknames to folks and Trudy just didn’t seem right.
Anyway, congratulations on that leadership thing. Does that mean you’re running the country now or do you still have to win an election? That’s what I had to do although, to be honest, I did get a bit of help from some friends on the Supreme Court.
The main reason I wanted to write is because we seem to have a lot in common. Your dad was apparently the head of Canada at one time and my dad was the 41st President of the United States.
It can be hard following in your poppy’s footsteps. Some folks seemed to think that I spent my time just trying to outdo my dad. Not true. Sure, he wimped out about invading Iraq and I didn’t but I wasn’t trying to show him up. I was just doing what Poppy’s friend Dick Cheney told me to.
Which brings me to a piece of advice for you, Justy. Be careful about relying on your dad’s old friends. They mean well but it turns out that they often have their own agenda.
Watch out, too, for any siblings. If you’ve got a younger brother, say, who also wants to run for office, keep a close eye on him. He may say he supports you 110% but don’t trust him farther than you can throw him.
One last piece of advice: try to distance yourself from your roots. Believe it or not, I was born in Connecticut but folks think I’m Texan through and through.
I understand you were born in Ottawa. Nice town but I’m guessing you’d be better off presenting yourself as one of them Quebeckers. Poppy said it worked for your dad so I don’t see why it can’t work for you, too.
Best of luck,
W  

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Joe Ratzinger's Diary

Joe Ratzinger’s diary

February 14, 2013
This has been the first St. Valentine’s Day I’ve enjoyed in decades. Got to sleep in and eat chocolates all day. No special cards to the cardinals and no outside scheduled obligations. Just a day to treat myself to a few indulgences of the secular kind.
February 18, 2013
Thanks to my buddy Cardinal Koch, I’ve finally got myself a canon situla or what some call a bucket list. Great idea! Thanks Kurt. Number one is to drive to Milan and pick up a pair of this year’s Gucci jeans. I’m so tired of dressing like a schlub. Once I get the jeans, number two is to go clubbing in Milan.  Number three is to upgrade my communion wine to a nice fruity Valpolicella.
February 23, 2013
Looks like I still have a few loose ends to tie up before I hand in my ring. Gotta appoint a few more cardinals. No problem there. Still lots of conservative guys hanging around that would love to move to Rome. The bigger dilemma is how to divvy up the other appointments. Best advice I got was to appoint two black bishops for every two white bishops. Sounds more like a chess match than a pontificate, if you ask me.
February 28, 2013
Wow, resignation day! What a relief. Not that being Pope hasn’t been fun at times what with the generous cassock allowance and unlimited mitre supply. But I just wasn’t feeling the love anymore. I guess I was violating my own seven-year rule - i.e. - you shouldn’t stay in one job longer than seven years. Anyway, today is the first day of the rest of my life and I can’t wait.
March 2, 2013
Loving this retirement thing but I figured I’d better check on my financial situation. Gotta make sure there’s enough in the pot to see me through to my nineties at least. I thought I was doing OK until I learned today from my financial advisor Anthony “Tony the Tiger” Barzini that everything I had was tied up in The Vatican Bank. Apparently the 1982 Banco Ambrosiano scandal took its toll on my retirement fund. Maybe I can make up a few million lira by selling my Popemobile.
March 10, 2013
Finally moved the last of my stuff out of my old apartment. I’ve got a nice condo with a view of St. Peter’s Square so I’ll be able to check when the white smoke finally comes out of the Sistine Chapel chimney.
March 17, 2013
Electing a pope on St. Patrick’s Day. I wonder if that’s ever been done before? Probably not. Just like we’ve never before had a black  South American  liberal as pope. Just kidding! It’s another old white European, of course.
March 29, 2013
I gotta say this is great. This is the first Good Friday I haven’t had to get all dressed up and greet the masses, not to mention perform some, too. I think I’m just going to sleep in, hibernate and stay in bed. Maybe I won’t even get up until the third day. Just a little papal humor there.
April 1, 2013
Did I really resign?  April Fool’s! See you back in the Basilica tomorrow. Just kidding. I’m done. The last thing I want to do is face another drafty winter in Rome. Maybe the new guy is looking to appoint a new Archbishop of Miami. Just saying.

Black & Black

“Conrad Black will soon be coming to a television near you. The former media baron has reached a deal with ZoomerMedia to host his own weekly, 60-minute current affairs talk show.”
- Canadian Press - Jan. 28, 2013

Black is back, as in Conrad Black. The Canadian press baron, British lord and convicted felon will soon be taking to the airwaves. If his new enterprise takes off, look for more shows featuring the bloviating baron. Shows like:
Lord Black & Friends
Lord Black of Cross Harbour hosts a weekly chat show from London featuring a different member of the House of Lords. Although no sitting member of that body has yet agreed to appear on the show, the producers are hopeful that Lord Black can find at least one friend abroad.
American Prison Tour
Capitalizing on his extensive knowledge of and experience with the American penal system, Conrad Black hosts this new dramatic series recreating his various prison stays. Black stars as himself in this hard-nosed examination of the shortcomings of various American prisons and Mr. Black’s courageous battles to reform them.
Black & Black
CBC Radio is planning to bring Arthur Black out of retirement to team up with his namesake. Arthur will revive his lighthearted look at Canadian life while Conrad berates and belittles his co-host and his taxpayer-funded network.
Tubby’s Tales of the Tape
TSN hopes to sign Canada’s favorite pontificator to host a boxing-related show. The plan is to not only have Mr. Black comment at length on some of the greatest boxing matches of all time but to also feature him in actual pugilistic contests with his favorite nemeses and adversaries including his former partner David Radler and BBC-TV host Jeremy Paxman.
Hockey Night in Canada
The television arm of the CBC apparently feels that color commentator Don Cherry has seen better days. Network execs are looking to replace the clothing-challenged Cherry with none other than Conrad Black. It’s hoped that Black’s outspoken polysyllabic rants will mesh nicely with the milquetoast observations of Ron MacLean to create an irresistible dynamic.
Barbara & Me
Several lifestyle cable channels are reportedly bidding for this new offering featuring Canada’s most flamboyant couple. Conrad Black and his wife Barbara Amiel will host a weekly tour of their various non-incarcerated homes.
The Baron’s Books
Promising to be an exciting if somewhat narrow book review show, “The Baron’s Books” features Conrad Black reviewing his favorite books. From “A Matter of Principle” to “Franklin Deleano Roosevelt: Champion of Freedom” to “Flight of the Eagle” to “Conrad Black”, the sesquipedalian scrivener promises to critically examine his own entire oeuvre.   

The Church of O

And so did the two-wheeled one enter the Church of O seeking forgiveness and redemption for his sins. For lo these many years, the Cycling King had reigned supreme throughout the land and also in France where he had toured seven times in triumph.
Many had doubted the power of the one called Armstrong despite his powerful sounding name. They badgered and hectored him and accused him of using unfair advantage to achieve his vaunted throne.
The Cycling King denied the charges claiming innocence and a pure heart. He said that he did not use rare physics and potions and was truly deserving of all the trophies and medals awarded unto him. Yet many still doubted and some even denied him his titles.
With nowhere else to turn, the one called Lance had but once choice left. The hour had come to visit Oprah, to unburden his soul and receive redemption from the great redeemer.
The Cycling King entered the well-lit confessional and sat before the great Oprah where he donned the robe of humility and the raiment of truth. Neither garment sat well upon him but he tried as best he could to make them fit.
Like many of his generation before him, Armstrong admitted his transgressions bringing forth tears upon his countenance. Yet the admissions seemed lacking in candor and Oprah admonished the Cycling King for his reticence and vagaries.
“It is a moment of high emotion,” said Oprah. “One tinged with regret, some truth and unbelievable ratings. But I sense you do not come before me in full confessional mode.”
“If you seek total absolution, my son, then you must prostrate yourself before me and make amends for the wrongs you have committed. As Rhianna and David Letterman and James Frey before you have done, you must lay bare your soul.”
Lance tried as best he could to be contrite. Alas, because of accusers in the courts of the land and in the courts of other lands, he was constrained from telling all he might have told.
“But even half a confession is better than none,” said Oprah. “And we will show the people the second segment of our meeting tomorrow night in hopes that you can reveal more and, in doing so, return my Neilsen ratings to their previous wondrous levels.”
And as Lance rose from his seat and readied himself to leave, Oprah reached out and touched him and gave him a partial blessing.
“It is the least I can do for a suffering soul,” said Oprah. “For you are trying and, in so doing, you have assured a return visit at some later date when we might once again bring millions into my Church.”

Barry at the Hall

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Steroid Three that day;
The Hall was there to enter if enough votes went their way.
But then when Sosa failed to make it and Clemens did the same,
A knowing silence fell upon the scriveners of the game.

A curious few got up to file their story early but as for all the rest
They wondered if he’d make it; they still could only guess.
They thought, if Bonds could score once more with his back against the wall
They'd put up even money, now, that Barry’d make the Hall.

Yet McGwire preceded Barry, as did also Timmy Raines,
And the former was a doper and the latter liked cocaine;
So upon that jaded press corps did apathy now fall,
For there seemed but little chance of Barry's getting in the Hall.

But McGwire nabbed almost a hundred votes to the wonderment of one,
And Raines the nose candy lover tripled that and some;
And when the press stopped voting and counted them forthwith,
There was McGwire set at 15th and Raines a-hugging fifth.

Then from over 500 ballots there rose a quiet scribble;
It sneaked right through the press room, a silent little dribble;
It sounded in the washrooms and echoed off the wall,
For Barry, mighty Barry, had a shot to make the Hall.

There was ease in Barry's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Barry's bearing and a puffed up steroid face.
And when, responding to the jeers,  he crushed a handheld ball,
No one could now doubt that Barry wanted in the Hall.

A thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Five hundred tongues naysayed him with his long-sleeved baseball shirt.
And when the sanctimonious writers held their pens aloft to vote,
The anger gleamed in Barry’s eye, as he struck a defiant note.

And now the first ballot votes came hurtling through the air,
And Barry stood a-watching them in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the sculpted batsman the votes unheeded sped-
"I’ll get them on the second," said Barry. "Strike one," the press corps said.

From the media, filled with voters, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore.
"Remove him from the ballot!" shouted someone on the tube;
But the rules said all votes counted no matter who the rube.

With a sneer of haughty arrogance great Barry's visage shone;
He dismissed the accusations and bade the vote go on;
He signaled to the writers, and once more the count began;
But second, third and fourth place votes were rare as curried ham.

"Fraud!" cried the maddened hundreds, and echo answered fraud;
But one scornful look from Barry and the writers were all awed.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles flex,
And they knew that Barry thought he’d win despite his juiced-up pecs.

The sneer is gone from Barry's lip, his teeth are clenched in jest;
He pounds with cruel violence upon his pumped up chest.
And now the writers hold the ballot, and now they cast their vote,
And now the air is shattered by the scream from Barry’s throat.

Oh, somewhere in this sporting land these drugs are still in use;
The EPO is welcome and enforcement rules are loose.
And somewhere steroids are on sale and doping is the call;
But justice reins in baseball for Barry missed the Hall.

Who's Crazy Now?

US Congress bans word 'lunatic' in federal legislation
- BBC News headline - December 6, 2012

For those who think that Republicans and Democrats can’t work together to get things done, this latest piece of legislation proves otherwise.  Following unanimous approval by the Senate in May, the House of Representatives, by a vote of 398-1, also agreed to strike the term “lunatic” from all federal legislation.

While some have criticized Congress for dealing with such a matter when there are more important issues facing the country, most observers see this as a good sign and a harbinger of more progress to come.  Supporting evidence for this view can be seen in other recent legislative initiatives and the roster of upcoming bills for consideration:

*    H. R. Bill 111 has already received unanimous support in committee and seems assured rapid and near-unanimous passage in both chambers.  Entitled the Ice Cream is Great Act, this bill was introduced by representatives from America’s great dairy states of Wisconsin and New York.  Almost all House members are ready to vote aye on this one with the exception of a few lactose-intolerant representatives who, rather than spoil the moment and vote nay, will likely simply abstain.

*    While not yet reduced to print, there is a recent legislative proposal which has generated a lot of positive buzz on Capitol Hill.  Tentatively titled the Fair Pay for Members of Congress Act, it will reportedly increase the pay scale for sitting representatives and senators by what has been described by some as “a modest 25%.”  While there still appears to be some minor disagreement as to whether the 25% rate will also apply to each member’s expense allowance, it’s expected that such wrinkles will be worked out with little rancor or delay.

*    The Senate has reportedly been hard at work on a bill which will iron out a few contentious matters that have been plaguing both houses of Congress for years.  The draft version is called the Free Cable, Subsidized Lunch and Year-round Free Parking Act and will harmonize various disparate provisions to ensure that all Congresspersons receive the same benefits.  When asked to comment on what the law will provide, one Senate aide simply said: “I think the title says it all.”

*    H. R. Bill 999 will likely break the record for speedy passage.  It has been described as the bill to formalize America’s second favorite motto.  Hence the title the Motherhood, Apple Pie and the Flag Act.  Apparently there has been some disagreement about the specific order of this sacred American triumvirate, but in the true spirit of Congressional compromise, it looks like federal legislators will agree to a provision allowing any of the six possible arrangements of these three words to qualify as official.

*    In a dramatic display of bipartisanship, senators from both parties have introduced Senate Bill S.666, the Don’t Blame Us Act.  Although the complicated bill comprises more than 300 pages, it essentially boils down to one proviso, namely that no individual senator or representative will be held personally responsible if America ends up going over the fiscal cliff.  Unanimous passage is virtually guaranteed.

White House Garage Sale

With America racing towards the fiscal cliff, both sides finally got down to some serious negotiating this week.  Seldom reliable sources report that President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner have already agreed to the following debt-reduction measures:
*   The first annual White House garage sale will be held on Saturday, December 22nd on the East Lawn.  Featured items include ten IBM Selectric typewriters, several dozen 19th century spittoons and a 1957 Ford Fairlane owned by Mamie Eisenhower and only driven on Sundays.  After expenses for coffee, donuts and signage, the garage sale is expected to yield upwards of $3,000 with more to come in future years.
*   The House of Representatives has agreed to rent out its space to local organizations when not in use.  Several local theater groups have expressed interest in rehearsing and performing on weekends in the House chamber.  Since the House members are typically only present midweek, it’s hoped that various book clubs, sewing circles and support groups can rent the room on Mondays and Fridays.  At $75 a night, look for total earnings to hit four figures in no time.
*   The Pentagon has scheduled two fundraising car washes this month with more to follow in the new year.  Any remaining four-star generals will lead brigades of servicepeople to clean the interior and exterior of any vehicle including cars, trucks and tanks.  In keeping with traditional military accounting, the cost will be $1,000 per wheel.
*   The Senate has tentative plans to fundraise with a filibuster-a-thon.  Whenever Republican senators volunteer for filibuster duty, they’ll ask constituents to sponsor them at a tentative ten dollars per speaking hour.  Given the obstructionist nature of the Senate minority, this fundraising effort could bring in thousands of dollars.
*   Senators have also agreed to chip in by holding a monthly bake sale on Capitol Hill.  The first one will be held next Friday when John McCain will be selling his sour grapes cookies and Joe Lieberman will bring his famous flip-flop upside-down cake.  It’s hoped that the Senate bake sales will yield $100 or more per month towards reducing the deficit.
*   President Obama has agreed to lease Air Force One to foreign leaders when not in use by the White House.  Third world leaders who can’t afford their own plane are expected to jump at the chance to rent Obama’s jet for only $2,000 an hour.  However, since it costs $3,000 an hour to operate Air Force One, this option may actually add to the deficit.
*   The State Department plans to hold a weekly fundraising auction to sell off unused articles.  Expected sale items include a comprehensive Middle East peace plan, a hardline on Iran and a detailed map of Benghazi.
*   Other cabinet level departments have proposed selling naming rights.  Just like major league sports arenas, the Cabinet will allow corporations to bid to add their names to individual departments.  At $10,000 a pop, this could be a huge money maker.  Informal inquiries have already been received for the Lockheed Martin Defense Department, the Exxon Mobil Energy Department and the Goldman Sachs Treasury Department.
Even with all these revenue-generating efforts, it’s expected that there will still be an annual shortfall of approximately one trillion dollars.  No word to date from Wall Street as to whether it will help out although rumor has it they’ve made an offer to issue some mortgage-backed securities on the Washington Monument and the Jefferson and Lincoln Memorials.

Peter Puck Redux

Back in the 1970s, NBC and CBC employed a cartoon character named Peter Puck to help explain the basics of hockey to kids and novice fans.  Thanks to the current NHL lockout, the two networks have reportedly brought back the talkative black disc to help explain to young viewers the ins and outs of labor disruptions in the world of pro hockey.  Here are some leaked excerpts from a few of the new videos:

Hockey
Hi, boys and girls.  I’m Peter Puck and I’m going to tell you a little bit about hockey.  Hockey is a game played on ice with five players and a goalie per side.  It’s a fast, exciting sport but there are a number of rules you need to understand in order to fully appreciate the game.  Rules like offsides, icing and the face-off.  But you don’t have to worry about them right now.  Until this lockout is over, you’ll need to learn about a few different things.

Collective Bargaining
Hi, boys and girls.  I’m Peter Puck and I want to tell you all about collective bargaining in  the National Hockey League.  The players and the owners have something called a CBA or collective bargaining agreement.  It’s an agreement where both sides agree to a salary cap which is kind of like when mom and dad say that your allowance can only increase by so much.  Except now the owners say they want a bigger share of all the money that comes in.  There are a lot of complicated provisions in the CBA but all you have to know is the current one recently expired and that’s why there won’t be any NHL hockey this year.

Free Agent
Hi, boys and girls.  I’m Peter Puck and I want to tell you all about free agency in the National Hockey League.  When young players first start playing in the NHL, they don’t have a lot of rights, sort of like when your parents can tell you what to do and you have to do it.  But when a player turns 27 or has seven years in the league, he can then negotiate a new deal with whichever team he wants.  It’s like when you turn 18 and can tell your parents to take a hike except that the players get millions of dollars every year even before they turn 27.

Restricted Free Agent
Hi, boys and girls.  I’m Peter Puck and I want to tell you all about restricted free agency.  It’s really pretty simple.  If a player is not entry-level and not yet an unrestricted free agent but his contract has expired, he becomes what is called a restricted free agent.  That means his team must extend him a qualifying offer.  Other teams can extend an offer sheet and his team can accept or decline.  There are lots of other rules but you don’t have to concern yourself about them now since no one’s playing hockey for the foreseeable future.

Salary Arbitration
Hi, boys and girls.  I’m Peter Puck and I have some more cool information for you about how the CBA works.  Some of you are probably asking what happens when a restricted free agent and his team can’t come to an agreement about salary.  Well that’s when either party can ask for salary arbitration.  Each side proposes a salary and a third person called an arbitrator picks one.  It’s like when you and your parents propose an allowance for you except your proposal never gets chosen.

Viewing Alternatives
Hi, boys and girls.  I’m Peter Puck and I want to help you decide what you can watch this season on TV.  Unfortunately, it won’t be NHL hockey.  But there are lots of other sports you can follow.  Hopefully this lockout will end soon and I can get back to teaching you the fun rules of the fastest sport on ice.  If not, my cousin Peter Rock will be here to teach you all about the second fastest sport on ice: curling.

Fiscal Cliff More Popular than Niagara Falls

It’s official.  The Fiscal Cliff has overtaken Niagara Falls as America’s favorite tourist destination.
District of Columbia Mayor Vincent Gray was delighted to announce that his city is home to the newest Washington attraction.
“Given that we’ve got all those monuments and the Smithsonian,” said Gray. “It’s a thrill to see so many people lining up to look over the Fiscal Cliff.”
Most Washington-bound tourists now put the Cliff number one on their list of must-see sites.  Americans are flocking in record numbers to peer over its edge to catch a glimpse of the financial abyss below.
Although President Obama is committed to removing the Fiscal Cliff, he has expressed mixed feelings about that goal.
“Sure, I want to rescue the country from the financial peril that the Cliff represents,” said Obama. “But I have to admit that it’s a pretty spectacular site and a great revenue generator, too.”
While millions of Americans marvel at the Fiscal Cliff, citizens of the City of Niagara Falls are keeping their fingers crossed that it will disappear before year’s end. If not, Mayor Paul Dyster expressed the hope that Washington will move the Cliff to his city.
“It may be disastrous for the country,” said Dyster. “But it’ll be a big win for Niagara Falls.”

Romney Keeps Running

Mitt Romney has reportedly been admitted to Massachusetts General Hospital with what is being described as a severe case of political addiction.
Sources close to the Republican presidential nominee say that his defeat in this year’s election revealed the previously unsuspected ailment.  Doctor Phillip Morris of Mass General’s crack psychiatric unit assessed Mr. Romney and made the initial diagnosis.
“I think it’s pretty clear that the patient is suffering from political addiction,” said Dr. Morris. “The fact that the election has ended and yet he continues to deliver his stump speech and give vague and ambiguous answers to the simplest of questions was a dead giveaway.”
Dr. Morris noted that it is not normal for an individual to run unsuccessfully for president for five continuous years.
“Let’s face it,” said Morris.  “Candidates for president are not what you would call normal to begin with but most of them know when to stop.  Mr. Romney seems to lack that particular ability.”
Beginning in 2007 when he started his unsuccessful campaign for the 2008 Republican nomination, Mr. Romney has done nothing but run for president.  His 2008 campaign seamlessly morphed into his 2012 campaign.
“When I interviewed Mr. Romney,” said Dr. Morris. “It was clear that he could not stop running for president.  He’s not what we call in the business “completely nuts” since he knows the U. S. presidency is now out of reach for him.  But I am concerned that he still insists on running for president of something.”
The doctor’s observation seems to have been confirmed by a recent Romney press release announcing his candidacy for the presidency of Honduras in their upcoming 2013 elections.  Citing his father’s birth in Mexico, his support of self-deportation for illegal Hispanic immigrants and his expertise in outsourcing American jobs to lesser developed countries, Romney has touted himself  as the perfect choice to lead that country or, for that matter, any country.
In the event of a Honduran defeat and an unsuccessful medication regimen, Mr. Romney is apparently considering  a run for president of Afghanistan or Slovakia in 2014 and, if necessary, his local chamber of commerce in 2015.

Romney Denies He's a Crybaby

Defeated Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney denies he is a crybaby.
“Yes, I lost the election,” said Romney.  “But there are reasons why I lost, many of them relating to the gifts Obama gave to blacks, Hispanics and young people to win their votes.  But I’m no crybaby.”
President Obama offered to meet with his defeated rival to discuss some of Romney’s ideas to help the country.  However, Mr. Romney has refused that offer.
“Why should I meet with that guy,” said the former governor.  “He’s never been nice to me and I’m the one who should have won the election.  If anybody’s a crybaby, it’s him.”
It is traditional for defeated presidential candidates to retire from the limelight and assume a low profile.  Mr. Romney, on the other hand, apparently does not want to leave the national stage.
“I should have won,” said Romney. “Even Karl Rove says so and Karl’s always right.  I know I conceded on election night but that was a mistake.  I won fair and square and I want what’s mine.”
Governor Romney has reportedly been collaring anyone he can on the street and complaining about the election outcome and the unfair result.
“The White House should be mine,” says Governor Romney.  “And I intend to do whatever it takes to get it whether that means launching a legal challenge or holding my breath until I turn blue.  Would a crybaby do that?  I don’t think so.”
Mr. Romney has also issued a press release stating that he is also not a sore loser, a whiner or a liar, liar, pants on fire.

Empty Chair Posts Strong Showing In Early Voting

This election year has seen a surge in early voting as more and more states allow for this convenient option.
Both the Obama and Romney camps had hoped that early voting would give them an edge.  Much to everyone’s surprise, however, exit polls show that  the early leader in pre-election balloting is the empty chair from the Republican Convention.
“No one saw this coming at all,” said Bob Bingham, head of the political science department at Iowa Agricultural & Technical College. “Campaign experts figured this option would favor President Obama but, boy, were we wrong!”
Some observers expected that the empty chair would experience a measurable bump in the polls after his joint appearance with Hollywood megastar Clint Eastwood.  But few figured that bump could be sustained and result in millions of early write-in votes.
For example, early voters in Iowa have broken the record from 2008 as more than half a million ballots have already been cast prior to election day, the majority of them naming the empty chair for president.
“I was overwhelmed with all the negative TV ads from the Obama and Romney campaigns,” said first time Des Moines voter Dunk Anne Fyfe. “It was refreshing to see a candidate who didn’t diss all the others.”
“When I considered the three options,” said Ames, Iowa resident Chip N. Dale. “The empty chair had it all over the other two guys.”
Other early voters echoed this same refrain, citing the empty chair’s strong, silent approach; his complete absence of guile and his consistent sitting position.
Given this surprising development, media outlets from across the country have tried to get in touch with the empty chair. Although reported to be staying at the Furniture Barn in Tampa, Florida, Mr. Chair was unfortunately not available for comment.

Bush Backs Barack

In a surprise move, George W. Bush has endorsed Barack Obama in this Tuesday’s election.  Although usually reluctant to get involved in current politics, the former president has decided to take the plunge and support the Democratic candidate.
“I know you all must think this is a crazy choice,” said Mr. Bush.  “But the more I looked at Barry’s record, the more I realized that we have a lot in common.  For example, we’ve both created trillion dollar deficits and we’ve both had to deal with ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.”
The Obama campaign has been caught off guard and appears unsure how to deal with this latest development.  Campaign spokesperson David Axelrod was less than enthusiastic about Mr. Bush’s endorsement.
“We want to thank Mr. Bush for coming out in support of President Obama,” said Axelrod. “But we already have the support of former presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton so I think an endorsement from a third ex-president would be overkill.”
Some have speculated that Mr. Bush’s decision was precipitated by Mitt Romney throwing him under the campaign bus in the second presidential debate.
“I have to be honest here and say that it did bother me when the Mittster trashed my record,” said the former president. “In fact, Barry had more nice things to say about me than he did.  But no, this endorsement is from the heart - wink, wink.”
The Romney campaign has publicly expressed its regret that former President Bush did not see fit to publicly support Governor Romney.  Privately, however, they couldn’t be happier.
“President Bush is free to support whoever he wants,” said a giddy Romney spokesperson Andrea Saul. “We are, of course, disappointed but perhaps it isn’t surprising that a big spending war hawk would go with one of his own.”
Faced with accusations that he purposely threw his support to Obama in order to undermine the incumbent’s chances, Mr. Bush was indignant.
“I assume that any presidential candidate would be thrilled to receive my okay,” said Bush.  “And I can’t imagine why anyone would turn it down - nudge, nudge.”
If the polling numbers start breaking Romney’s way, look for more surprise endorsements for President Obama including ones from Sarah Palin and Donald Trump.  Rumor has it that even Dick Cheney may go public with his support for Vice President Joe Biden.

Big Bird Gets the Boot

“I’m going to stop the subsidy to PBS.....I like PBS, I love Big Bird. Actually like you, too [Jim Lehrer]. But I’m not going to....keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for.”

- Mitt Romney - October 3, 2012

“I like being able to fire people....”

- Mitt Romney - January 9, 2012

Andrea, please show Mr. Bird in.

Big Bird, gosh, it’s good to see you. I’m a big fan. All my boys are big fans, too. Watched you for years. Can I call you Big?

Now Big, I think you know why I asked you here today. No? Well let me explain.

You see, I’m the President now. Yes, I won the election and that makes me the boss, the CEO if you will. Kind of like Jim Henson was for you.

What that means is I’ve got to run our country like a business and that means no deficits. From now on, if we have to borrow money for a program, it’s got to pass the China test.

Now when I say “program”, I don’t mean a TV program. Make no mistake; I like your TV program, always have. But we can’t borrow money from China to subsidize “Sesame Street.” It just doesn’t make good fiscal sense.

Yes, we did borrow money from China to subsidize Wall Street but that’s a different story.

Why if it had been up to me, we wouldn’t have borrowed from China to subsidize any street and that includes “Sesame Street”, Wall Street and especially Easy Street, the place where 47% of Americans live.

Let’s cut to the chase, Big. You’re fired. But just because I’m a businessman and like firing people doesn’t mean I’m not compassionate. We’re prepared to offer you what I think is a very generous severance package: one full year of free bird seed and six months of healthcare coverage except, of course, for any preexisting conditions such as flightlessness or gigantism.

We’re not cold-hearted, Big. In fact, we’re going to provide you with three months of outplacement services that can help you find another job in a related field or provide you with training to qualify for a brand new job.

Gosh, have you thought about applying to be a team mascot? You know, most professional sports teams employ an oversized animal to entertain the fans. Maybe you could try the Baltimore Orioles or the Seattle Seahawks.

Yes, I appreciate that you’re getting on in years and you might not be up for all the running and jumping involved in being a team mascot. But I’m sure there are lots of other opportunities out there for an oversized yellow bird with your talents. I understand that Walmart needs greeters and restaurant chains like Popeyes and KFC are always looking for birds.

If worst comes to worst, you can always retire. Don’t forget; there’s social security and your PBS pension to fall back on. Oh, gosh, my mistake. Well at least for now there’s still social security.

There, there, Bird, no more tears; dry those eyes. It’s not that bad. Why earlier today I had to fire Oscar the Grouch and to revoke the Swedish Chef’s work visa. So, believe me, it could be a whole lot worse.

Thanks again for coming. As I said, I’m a big fan. So no hard feelings, OK? Mr. Ryan here will take you back to your nest to collect your things and then escort you to the front door. We’ll be in touch.

Andrea, could you tell the Cookie Monster to come in and then Jim Lehrer?

Sad States

“Mitt Romney launched a major ad blitz in eight key battleground states....two ads apiece in Colorado, Florida, Iowa, North Carolina and Ohio; three separate ads in Virginia; and one ad in Nevada and New Hampshire.”


- Yahoo News - September 7, 2012

More and more, U. S. presidential candidates are directing their campaign spending to a select number of states. These so-called swing-states are seen as the key to victory and the rest are almost ignored. Apparently that’s about to change if these states have their say:

Maine

“As Maine goes, so goes the nation.” At least that’s what they used to say. Now almost nobody pays attention to how I vote. Well, enough is enough. Remember that old battle cry from the Spanish-American War - “Remember The Maine”? I’ve got a new one: “Remember Maine - or else.” If I don’t get my fair share of election-year advertising spending, I’m going to hold my breath until I turn blue or possibly even red or I might just secede and join Canada.

California

Dude, what gives? Like I’ve got more voters than any other state but political ads here are as rare as Republicans in Hollywood although I guess that’s part of the problem. How come everyone thinks I’m a lock for the Democrats? Don’t forget; I elected Republican governors like Ronald Reagan, Pete Wilson and Arnold Schwarzenegger and I can do it again. That’s not a threat, man. I’m just saying, that’s all. Throw a little advertising love my way and we can all be happy.

The Dakotas

Despite what you might have heard, history shows we don’t always vote the same way. Just look at the 1916 election results. But since each of us has the total population of a large suburban city, no one pays us any attention. We finally figured out how to deal with these quadrennial slights. Last week we decided to join forces and vote in tandem and not necessarily Republican. Between the two of us we have well over a million people which means we’ll now have the political heft of bigger player-states. Watch out Idaho and Nebraska!

Alaska

Hey! Look up here. Yeah, that’s right, up here past the lower 48. It’s one thing to ignore that little mid-Pacific pipsqueak Hawaii but, in the words of Donald Trump, I’m huge. I’m twice as big as Texas and none of you would ever dream of ignoring Texas, would you? Don’t take me for granted. I’m crazy; I could vote for anybody. Just ask Sarah Palin. So throw me a bone and I’ll do you a solid.

Wyoming

OK, yeah, I’m the smallest state by population with more cows than people but that’s no reason to dis me. And maybe I’ve voted Republican in every election since 1964 but that doesn’t mean things can’t change this year. If you spend a little ad money here and show me some respect, I could vote Democratic. Just don’t tell Dick Cheney. He gets really, really mad if I don’t do what I’m told.

Delaware

You think you’ve got it tough, Wyoming? I’m so small, nobody notices me down here squeezed between New Jersey, Maryland and Pennsylvania. OK, at least I’m not Rhode Island but it’s still no picnic. Even Joe Biden left and he used to live in Scranton. So maybe I voted Democratic for the last twenty years but that doesn’t mean I can’t change. Hey, for the right price, I’m willing to do just about anything, even change my name to Tupperware. 

Real Debate Questions

It’s official; Wednesday night’s presidential debate will be a colossal waste of time. If you hadn’t guessed that already, it’s now a no-brainer after the Commission on Presidential Debates announced that it has shared the debate topics with the candidates ahead of time.


Since Obama and Romney have agreed not to ask one another questions or even to allow for rebuttals or follow-up questions, Wednesday night’s performance will be a debate in name only. In all likelihood, we’ll be watching two pre-programmed robots offering the same scripted responses they’ve been feeding the American public for months.

I, for one, would like to see a new debate format where the candidates are required to answer questions from average voters. If I was given the chance to participate, here are some of the potential questions of importance to me that I might put forward:

* The Houston Texans are playing the New York Jets this coming Monday night. What do you think the point spread should be and why? Would your answer be different if Tim Tebow replaces March Sanchez at quarterback?

* The National Hockey League owners have locked out the players and it looks like the season might be cancelled. Can you name the head of the N.H.L. or the Players’ Association and have you intervened to try to save the season and, if not, why not?

* I have a six-pack of Bud Light in the basement that I purchased in March. Can I still drink them or have they gone bad by now? If I had stored them in the refrigerator, would that change your answer?

* What are your views on casual Fridays in the workplace? Do you think jeans and t-shirts should be allowed? What rules apply in your workplace?

* If you kept seeing more and more hairs in the sink in the morning, would you ignore them or would you start thinking about hair replacement? Have you ever used Rogaine or considered a toupee? What have you done about your increasing back hair?

* When the bathroom sink gets clogged, do you call a plumber or do you man up and try to fix the problem yourself? If the latter, what steps would you take and what size pipe wrench would you use?

* Where do you stash your personal collection of men’s magazines so your wife can’t find them? Do you keep the videos in the same location?

* The basement is so full of junk you can hardly move down there. Your wife has been nagging you for months to clean it out but you just haven’t found the time. Would you recommend a garage sale, hauling the stuff to the curb or just ignoring the problem? Support your answer with examples from your personal experience.

* It’s Saturday night. You’ve had a long work week and you’d really just like to sit back and watch some sports on TV but your wife is insisting you go out. How do you convince her to let you stay at home?

* Say you end up having to go to the opera on Saturday night after all. What’s the best way to survive the performance without really pissing off your wife?

* You’ve got a 1963 MGB four-cylinder roadster in the garage that you’ve been working on for close to ten years now. Trouble is that you haven’t been able to find a four-speed gearbox with a non-synchromesh, straight-cut first gear. Where can I get a reconditioned gearbox and how do I install it? There is some urgency in this question as my wife is pestering me to “get rid of your silly toy.”

* When you’re barbecuing steaks, do you use a charcoal grill or a gas grill? If the former, what type of charcoal do you use and how do you test for doneness? Any suggestions for a good barbecue sauce?

* How do you make a stinger, a rusty nail and a manhattan? Do you prefer them on the rocks or straight up?

* Do you rent or own? They say when you rent you’re just throwing your money way. What’s your experience and what would you suggest? Can you recommend a good real estate agent?

The Birth Day Movement

I’ve got a problem with Mitt Romney’s pick of Paul Ryan as his running mate. It’s not Ryan’s right-wing conservative views on things like abortion and gay marriage that bother me. Or even his far right budget proposal comprising tax cuts for the rich and benefit cuts for everyone else Heck, I can even accept that he’s a big fan of the uber-capitalist novelist Ayn Rand.


What I can’t accept, however, is that Mr. Ryan may not be a properly qualified vice presidential candidate. The Constitution says that you have to be at least 35 years old to serve as president or vice president. Media reports state that Ryan’s 42. But look at the guy. He doesn’t appear to be a day over 30.

Wikipedia says Ryan was born in Janesville, Wisconsin on January 29, 1970. I was 20 years old in 1970 and I don’t remember any birth announcement for a Paul Davis Ryan. Do you?

And Janesville? Is that even a real place? Sounds like a phony name to me.

I think it’s time that Ryan prove his real age. And not with some notarized copy of what is likely a phony birth certificate. Or some half-doctored, semi-photoshopped hospital document. We’ve been through that charade before.

Mr. Ryan, be a man and prove you’re 35 or older. Surely in this modern age there are home movies or videos of your birth. Let’s see some family archival material like a lock of your baby hair or a bronzed baby shoe that we can run some DNA or carbon-dating tests on. At the very least, I would expect affidavits from those present at your birth including any doctors or nurses on duty.

So far, we’ve seen absolutely nothing. All we have are a bunch of third-hand, hearsay statements that you were born in 1970 in a supposed town called Janesville. I’d like to trust Mr. Ryan on this point but I’d prefer some hard factual evidence. After all, even Superman tried to fool us for years claiming he came from Smallville.

Let’s get this issue out in the open before it’s too late and we end up electing a vice president who’s under 35 and a heartbeat away from the oval office. I urge patriots like Donald Trump, Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh to join my crusade and ensure that there will be no underage candidates for the nation’s second highest office. Let the birth day movement begin.

Stevie's Summer Vacation

How I Spent My Summer Vacation -  by Stevie Harper

I live in a big house on Sussex Drive in Ottawa but my real home is in Calgary.  I wanted to go home for the summer but there was too much to do in Ottawa.  I have a bunch of cabinet ministers who could help me out but I can’t really trust them to make decisions on their own, especially when it comes to buying hotel orange juice and taking helicopter rides.  So I had to stay here and work every day.
Well, not every day.  In June, I got to take a short trip to Mexico so I could tell some European leaders how they can clean up their financial mess.  I was just trying to be helpful but they got all annoyed and told me to back off and clean up my own mess.  Something about our debt to GDP ratio being no better than theirs.  Go figure.
I also got to go home for a few days in July to enjoy the Calgary Stampede.  Calgary really is great, you know, and I couldn’t help pointing out that it’s the greatest city in the greatest country in the world.  Some folks said I forgot about Toronto so I apologize for that.  Just kidding.
Back in Ottawa, I had to help create some TV ads for the bicentennial celebration of the War of 1812.  Did you know that we won that war?  I don’t think a lot of Canadians knew that so it’s a good thing that we spent a lot of money letting them know.  We just have to be careful not to annoy the Americans in case they decide to start the War of 2012.  I’m not sure we’d do so well in that one.
I also had some unfinished work to complete from last year.  First off, I had to close the Canadian Wheat Board.  Believe it or not, some folks still thought it was a good idea to benefit from large-scale grain sales and to share the risk of crop failure.  No need to worry about that anymore.
I also had to clean up a few odds and ends after getting rid of the long-gun registry. Some people wanted to keep the records so they could start their own registry.  How silly is that?  If they want a gun registry, they’ll have to start from scratch just like those crazy Liberals did.
Speaking of those crazy Liberals, it looks like they won’t be around much longer.  Some folks say that, just to make sure, I’m not picking on that new kid Tommy Mulcair.  Boy, some people are really cynical.  I love the Liberals.  After all, if we didn’t have the Liberals around, how could we still split the left-of-center voter?
There was also that ongoing project to cut back on the federal public service.  It’s not easy to cut 20,000 jobs, you know.  Especially when you do it really, really slowly and you make people compete against one another for positions.  Some folks said that, like my buddy Mitt Romney, I seemed to enjoy firing people.  But that’s not true. Well not entirely true.
Of course, it wasn’t all work this summer.  I got to do some reading, especially some books by my favorite authors Ayn Rand, Sun Tzu and Machiavelli and a few letters from that nice Conrad Black fellow.  Did you know he spent time in a U. S. prison and had to give up his Canadian citizenship?  Doesn’t seem fair, does it?
It looks like I’m going to have to stay here in Ottawa right through Labor Day.  There’s so much to do and so little time.  I’ve gotta sort out the accounting for some fighter jet purchases.  I’ve gotta help my friends in Alberta get their oilsands oil to the Pacific coast and onto China.  And then there’s my secret agenda.  Just kidding, of course, since it’s really no secret anymore.
Finally, there are a few provincial premiers who I’m going to help get new jobs soon.  Anything to help out the economy, I always say.  That’s just the kind of guy I am.