Invasion From The North

BULLETIN: Invasion Alert

TO:        All Americans

FROM:  U. S. Customs and Border Protection

     Recent attacks by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau against President Trump suggest that Canada is now on a wartime footing against our country and that we must remain ever vigilant.  

     President Trump has answered Mr. Trudeau’s incendiary attack with a typically measured response, stating that the Canadian prime minister made “false statements” and calling him “dishonest & weak.” Ordinarily such a response would be enough to silence a weak-willed state like Canada but recent intelligence indicates otherwise.

     It is easy to dismiss such a small player but Americans should be aware that there are methods other than military that Canada can employ. In particular, we must be on guard for an invasion of illegal Canadian immigrants seeking to undermine our nation.

     Thanks to a 4,000-mile undefended and overly porous border, millions of barely-documented Canadians threaten to overrun the United States. Unless we take action now, we risk becoming a minority in our own country.

     Most Americans see little or no evidence of this invasion since they live in areas that so far have been spared an influx of Canadians. However, those living within fifty miles of the border have likely run into more than one of these folks usually while shopping at the local mall.

     Although these Canadian “shoppers” tend to blend in, there are a number of tell-tale signs. During winter months, these folks often wear down vests, oversized boots and knitted hats they call “tuques.” In the summer, they are often spotted sporting Bermuda shorts, socks and sandals.

     Other identifying indicia include attempts at spending their own Monopoly-style currency consisting of different colored bills and large coins called “loonies” and “toonies.” Although many of these folks speak what generally passes for English, their repeated use of the words “eh?” and “sorry” tends to give them away.

     If in doubt, ask the suspected Canadian to spell such words as “honor”, “neighbor” or “color.” Typically, they’ll add the letter “u.” If they’re clever enough to avoid that trap, they’ll more than likely fail the test of identifying the word “check.” If they spell it “cheque”, you’ve caught yourself a Canadian.

     Regrettably, this immigration problem is not restricted to the northern border area. For decades now, and most often from November to April, millions of these folks continue further south bypassing the northern areas and overrunning certain southern states, particularly Florida and Arizona.

     These so called “snowbirds” seem to think that it is their right to take up residence wherever the temperature is above 70 degrees (or 21 degrees Celsius, as they call it). These winter visitors tend to be older and, as with the summertime cross-border shoppers, favor Bermuda shorts, socks and sandals.

     A more recent trend of Canadian immigration is the insidious introduction of their cultural traits into American society. Many of these immigrants speak of such things as “socialized medicine”, “gun control” and “welfare” thereby infecting many Americans with dangerous alien concepts and threatening our cultural institutions and our very way of life.

     Sadly, this Canadian immigration problem only seems to be getting worse. Not only are these people inundating Florida and Arizona, they are now also invading contiguous warm weather states like California, New Mexico, Georgia and the Carolinas. Like any invasive, non-native species which encounters no natural enemies, Canadians will go wherever the sun and discount shopping take them.

     If you spot an unwanted Canadian, alert the authorities but don’t be alarmed. Although they have currently taken great offense to President Trump’s personal attacks, they’re generally inoffensive and mild-mannered so long as you don’t annoy them by pointing out their lack of homegrown success in postseason NHL competition.

     At this point, we don’t think the problem is serious enough to warrant building a northern border wall. But if we start hearing rumblings about making Florida or Arizona Canada’s eleventh province, we may have to revisit the issue.