Mulligans for Trump

     Tony Perkins, the leader of the evangelical organization Family Research Council, said that Donald Trump gets a “mulligan” regarding his affair with the porn star Stormy Daniels. What Mr. Perkins didn’t say was what additional excuses he and other evangelicals will have to come up with for other moral infractions by President Trump. Excuses like:

Do-over

      Evangelicals tend not to look kindly on divorce. For the thrice-married Trump, this should be a problem. However, with the implementation of the new marital “do-over”, he should be off the hook, at least for now.

Comb-over

     Last time I checked, vanity was a Christian sin and Donald Trump’s magical hair is nothing, if not vain. But all is forgiven with the granting of one or more “comb-overs.”

Re-do

     Like the “do-over”, a “re-do” will grant Trump forgiveness for his cursing, swearing and intemperate use of language. This will allow him to overcome his use of everything from the “f”-word to “s**thole.”

Mulroney

     “Mulroney” is not just the name of one of Canada’s most despised prime ministers. It’s also a synonym for “mulligan.” So if evangelical Christians worry about overusing “mulligan” for Trump’s past or future sexual indiscretions, they can always use “Mulroney” in its place.

Dubligan

     You’ve made two failed golf shots in a row? Then the second one is called a “dubligan.” This might be handy for those instances where Mr. Trump grabbed some woman by the “pussy” or otherwise sexually assaulted her.

Sullivan

     A “Sullivan” is a “mulligan” in an academic or financial context. For Mr. Trump, that means a corporate do-over in the form of a bankruptcy. This term can be used as often as required as in “We grant Mr. Trump a ‘Sullivan’ on his latest corporate bankruptcy.”

Billigan

     Named after Bill Clinton for his huge number of forgiven blown golf shots, “Billigan” might easily apply to Donald Trump’s never-ending series of lies. Although Christians don’t usually countenance lying, perhaps they could let them slide if they are actually “Donigans.”

Ott

     “Ott” (or “over the top”) is forgiveness for repeated exaggeration. When Trump claims his Inaugural crowd was the biggest ever or that he is the smartest person he knows or that he’s the least racist, evangelicals can overlook his transgressions by granting him one or more “otts.”

Putin

     Whether it’s collusion with Russia or some questionable financial dealing verging on fraud or money laundering, evangelicals will need something to give Mr. Trump continued passes. When the talk in Washington turns to impeachment, they can just grant him a “Putin” or two.

WWJD

     Finally, there’s the ultimate sin-cleansing device: WWJD or “What would Jesus do?” No matter how bad the sin or how nasty the sinner, all he needs to do is repent and everything will be forgiven. When Trump hits his moral nadir, so long as he asks for forgiveness, he can be granted a “WWJD”, otherwise known as a “St. Augustine.”

Free preview of "Donnie's First Year"

My new humor collection is now available on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca. Click on the link to get a free preview of "Donnie's First Year."

Brian's Political Toolkit

     First we had Pierre Trudeau’s kid Justin becoming the leader of the federal Liberals and now we have Brian Mulroney’s daughter Caroline aiming to head up the Ontario provincial Tories. Luckily for her, her old man is still around to share his wealth of political expertise:

My dearest Caroline,

     You’ve warmed the cockles of this old Irishman’s heart by deciding to take up the family business. It’s not that I’m disappointed or embarrassed by Ben’s TV antics but, let’s face it, you can’t get rich hosting an entertainment show.

     Anyway, darling daughter, I’m thrilled that I’m still kicking so that you can benefit from my years of experience. To that end, here are just a few pearls of wisdom that I’m passing on to you:

*     Avoid keeping envelopes of cash lying around. Of course there’s nothing wrong with owning cash but, if you choose to do so, make sure it’s not traceable. If you do goof up, it’s been my experience that if you declare half of it to the CRA, that should suffice.

*     If you end up needing a plane for the campaign trail, I strongly recommend that you not rent an Airbus. They’re perfectly good planes but, take it from me, it wouldn’t be wise to associate the name Mulroney with Airbus.

*     Don’t touch the sales tax; it’s the third rail of Canadian politics. Just to be safe, stay away from anything ending in “ST” unless you’re just switching your clocks back to standard time.

*     Here’s a little tip if you do happen to become Tory leader and then premier of Ontario. Hopefully you win two majorities like your sainted father but if after that you see a disaster looming on the horizon, bail out sooner rather than later. Then you can retire as a great success and hang the inevitable subsequent defeat on your successor. You could give Kim Campbell a call for more details but don’t be surprised if she hangs up.

*     Whenever you get a chance to sing “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” for a U. S. president, go for it even if it’s Donald Trump. Embarrassing as it might be, it’s always a good idea to have one of those guys in your back pocket.

*     If you become provincial leader, make sure the party pays you a little something extra every year for your service. Again, envelopes of cash are perfectly acceptable so long as you don’t broadcast it to every Tom, Dick and Karlheinz. On the other hand, you might prefer that your supporters anonymously donate cheques to a bank account for your use only.

*     Avoid ostentatious quasi-royalty-style living; the voters don’t seem to care for it. Don’t tell your mother but she could serve as your role model for what not to do.

*     If someone says “constitutional reform”, run for the hills. Much as I wanted to put the screws to old Trudeau, I wouldn’t touch that dossier again for an entire pile of cash-filled envelopes.

*     Be careful about unplanned witticisms. I’m not saying that “there’s no whore like an old whore” didn’t fit Bryce Mackasey to a T but, given the subsequent irony, I wish I hadn’t said it.

Love,

Brian a.k.a. Dad

P. S. – I’ve attached a brown envelope with a little something for your campaign. Don’t thank me; thank Uncle Wafid.

Canada's Olympic Senators

     Here’s a handy reminder to you men out there. February 14^th is Valentine’s Day and you better make plans now to celebrate with your significant other in order to maintain domestic harmony.

     What you might not have known, however, is that February 14^th also marks the beginning of the preliminary round of the men’s hockey competition at this year’s Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea.

     Now if you’re like me, you’ve already written off Olympic hockey thanks to the National Hockey League’s decision to boycott the tournament. Instead of enjoying the best of the best competing against one another, we’re left to watch a bunch of youngsters and former NHL players face off in what will undoubtedly be, at best, a second-rate competition.

     It’s hard to get excited when the likes of Sidney Crosby, Connor McDavid, Eric Karlsson, Patrick Kane and Carey Price will be nowhere near South Korea come mid-February. Instead, we’ll be looking at such “superstars” as Derek Roy, Ben Scrivens, Brian Gionta and Jordan Greenway. Not exactly household names in the world of hockey fandom.

     What’s a hockey fan to do? Well, if you’re a follower of most NHL teams, you’ve either got a team headed to the Stanley Cup playoffs or one that still has an outside chance of making it. So you likely won’t be distracted by the third-rate hockey that will play out at the Olympics.

     Now that’s fine for most of you but it’s of little consolation for us Senators fans here in Ottawa. Our team’s chances of making the playoffs are slim to none. From what I can see, we’re left with a wintertime Sophie’s choice: follow a failing team that’s out of the playoff race or watch an Olympic hockey tournament reminiscent of the amateurs-only competitions of years gone by.

     I think I have a solution to this sad dilemma, a solution that could spark the interest of Senators fans while at the same time burnish the somewhat tarnished reputation of team owner Eugene Melnyk.

     I’m urging Mr. Melnyk to effectively throw in the towel for this season and free the Senators Canadian players to join their national team over in PyeongChang. That would mean forwards like Matt Duchene, Mark Stone, Mike Hoffman, Jean-Gabriel Pageau, Alex Burrows and Zack Smith would be available to play for Canada. It would also free up defensemen like Cody Ceci, Mark Borowiecki, Thomas Chabot and Dion Phaneuf.

     With a lineup like that, Canada’s Olympic team would instantly become the clear favorite to take the gold medal in South Korea. And Ottawa would be transformed from a city having nothing to look forward to beyond a last-place finish to increase the team’s odds for next year’s draft to one filled with revitalized fans looking for Olympic gold.

     There is, of course, the issue of lost revenue. By my calculation, however, the Senators would only miss two home games. To make up any shortfall, perhaps Team Canada’s games could be shown on the big screens at the Canadian Tire Centre and we could pay admission to help out Mr. Melnyk.

     As for any road games during the Olympics, Ottawa would simply concede and give up the two points that they were likely going to lose anyway. If the NHL decides to be a stickler about this, maybe we could just replace the team with the Belleville Senators farm team for the interim.

     Time’s a wasting, Mr. Melnynk, so I suggest you get on this right away. We may have no chance at the Stanley Cup this year but Olympic gold is ours for the taking.  

Word of the Year

 

     Last December marked not only the end of the calendar year but also the beginning of the Word of the Year season. For example, the Oxford English Dictionary folks chose “youthquake” as their Word of the Year for 2017 and Mirriam-Webster selected “feminism.”

     Compared to previous years, the 2017 selections were pretty dull and unexciting. Nothing fun like past winners “truthiness”, “fake news” and “mansplain.”

     Maybe it’s time some of us stepped up to the linguistic plate, mixed a few metaphors and coined some interesting neologisms to ensure that, by next December, we’ll have some truly exciting candidates for 2018’s Word of the Year.

     In that vein, I offer the following creations:

turkeyfication

     Turkeyfication is the act of undermining and dumbing down governmental procedures and structures. It essentially turns an efficient, high-flying creature into a stupid, flightless bird. As in, Donald Trump has engaged in the turkeyfication of the federal government.

trollents

     In our modern digital age, many online publications provide their readers the opportunity to comment on columns and opinion pieces. Sometimes those comments are well thought out and instructive. Sadly, they are often ignorant ad hominem attacks written by the digital equivalent of the nasty troll living under the bridge. Hence the word trollents as in, he had nothing useful to add to the conversation so he simply slammed the author with a couple of trollents.

breitbart

     From the website of the same name, breitbart is a verb meaning to racialize, cuckify or otherwise demonize liberals, progressives or members of the establishment. As in, James breitbarted his opponent by repeatedly calling him a snowflake. See also “bannoned.”

celebrify

     The act of transforming the political system into one dominated by celebrities rather than those skilled in the political arts. Most recently evidenced by the speculation of a 2020 faceoff between Donald Trump and Oprah Winfrey. Example in use: “Homer Simpson’s entry into the race represents the nadir of the celebrification of Washington.”

coniker

     A mash-up of “con” and “moniker” gives us “coniker” which means a nasty nickname created to demean or belittle someone. Although conikers have been around for centuries (think Julius the Jerk or Stupid Socrates), Donald Trump is the acknowledged current master with negative gems like Low-energy Jeb, Crooked Hillary and Sloppy Steve.

statumcide

     If you kill your mother, that’s matricide. Murder a man? That’s homicide. So what do you call it when someone deliberately tries to end the life of an entire nation state? How about statumcide? “Given the antidemocratic and regressive actions of President Trump, he may be guilty of statumcide.”  See also “countrycide.”

aieio

     2018’s new acronym is pronounced “aye-eh-o.” It’s derived from the statement “artificial intelligence expedites inhuman order” and signifies the end of the reign of homo sapiens and the ultimate victory of the robots. It can even be pronounced letter by letter which echoes the children’s song “Old Macdonald Had a Farm” which pretty soon will have no human beings and no Mr. Macdonald. 

The Art of the Lie

Here's an excerpt from my new book Donnie's First Year now available on Amazon.ca:

     Donald Trump is known for a number of books including The Art of the Deal and Trump: The Art of the Comeback. I’m offering my services as a ghostwriter for his next volume: The Art of the Lie:

Believe in your own lies

     This is perhaps the most important rule in The Art of the Lie. After all, how are you going to get others to believe your fictions if you don’t believe them yourself? Even if you think what you’re saying might be a lie, convince yourself otherwise by telling yourself that even if it’s not true, it sure sounds true, feels true and should be true.

Never retract, never apologize

     No matter how many people accuse you of lying and no matter the weight of the evidence against you, don’t admit that you lied. First-time liars often make the rookie mistake of conceding that their statement was false and then apologizing. Even if you happen to get caught in a lie, never retract but, if you foolishly do, never, ever apologize.

Double down and repeat

     This seems counterintuitive but it’s a sure-fire winner. Even when your lie is a fantastic whopper (e.g. – huge Inauguration crowd), you’ll be surprised at how well it works when you expand on it (e.g. – biggest Inauguration crowd ever) and then repeat it over and over. Much to your surprise, folks will then either believe it or just give up in frustration.

The “Big Lie” is the best

      It was Adolph Hitler or Joseph Goebbels who created this one. Basically, you come up with a lie that plays to people’s prejudices and is so outrageous that they want to believe it. You don’t have to be a fan of neo-Nazis to recognize that some of those old-tyme Nazis knew what they were talking about.

Keep your opponents off balance

     Sometimes you’ll find yourself under attack from all sides and it looks like your lie will fail. That’s the time to start asserting the exact opposite and then stand by both contradictory statements. Your adversaries will be so confused they’ll probably just throw in the towel.

I’m rubber, you’re glue

     Attack the attacker. When your opponent tries to undermine your lie with a surfeit of facts, start making false accusations about them. A perfect example is to call the media “fake news.” Name-calling like that forces them to spend all their time denying it.

Threaten lawsuits

     Threaten lawsuits against those challenging your lies. Nobody likes to be sued and most people can’t afford a good lawyer. Usually there’s no need to actually pursue such suits. The mere threat of legal action will generally make most truth-obsessed folks back off.

Exaggeration = glorification

     You’re not just smart; you’re the smartest. You’re not just rich; you’re the richest. If you’re going to lie, there’s no reason to hold back. Just remember, lie big or go home.

Keep adding to your list of lies

     Don’t be a wimp. Just because you’ve lied every day for the last thousand days, don’t stop lying just because you feel you’ve overdone it. The more lies the merrier. Critics will eventually tire of trying to keep track of all your falsehoods and will often concede defeat.

Employ surrogates

     If you can afford to, hire a bunch of flunkies to repeat and spread your lies. The more times people hear your lies coming from the mouths of different people, the more likely they’re going to believe them. And don’t worry if your stand-in gives up and quits; there are always more toadies ready to carry the can for you.

Don’t fear the oath

     There may come a time when you have to testify about your lies under oath. So what? It’s just an oath. Keep lying unless it looks like there’s a chance you’ll be charged with perjury. At that point, don’t forget to “take the Fifth.” 

No Fat Chicks

    Although Donald Trump was publicly dismissive of a presidential run by Oprah Winfrey, the following leaked memo suggests he may be taking such a possibility far more seriously than he lets on:

MEMORANDUM

TO:        President Donald Trump

FROM:  Campaign 2020

     Further to your recent request, we have investigated the possibility of an Oprah Winfrey candidacy in 2020 and have developed a comprehensive strategy to defeat her should she win the Democratic nomination.

     First of all, she is clearly unqualified to be president. As you well know, the fact that she is a billionaire businesswoman, a successful TV personality and a marketing wizard when it comes to exploiting her own name count for nothing when it comes to running the nation.

     Being president requires actual experience doing presidential things and, by our count, you have a full year under your belt doing just that. Even discounting your TV viewing and golf outings, you still have at least several months of presidential experience and she has none, zip, nada. Advantage: Team Trump.

     Our research has revealed that Ms. Winfrey reads an enormous amount and could easily be attacked as a “book lover” and possibly an “intellectual.” Apparently she even had a book club on her TV show. Although you have “written” several books, you have never been accused of reading books. Score one for us.

     Although it’s a bit of a long shot, we think that you should consider your old “Obama strategy” when it comes to Oprah. In short, she does not qualify to be president because she wasn’t born in the United States. After all, she was born in Mississippi and our research shows that Mississippi wasn’t even part of the U. S. from 1861 to 1865. Under the newly created legal doctrine status illegitimus or illegitimate state, no Mississippian qualifies as a natural born citizen.

     Ms. Winfrey will undoubtedly tout her success as a television talk show host but clearly she cannot match your success with The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice. Plus, unlike you, she has to answer for creating both Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz whereas you’re only responsible for Omarosa.

     If it should ever come to a debate between you and Oprah, you will win hands down, regardless of the respective size of your hands. She is a Chicago gal, Chicago being the second city. You, on the other hand, are from the great city of New York. Even if you couldn’t make it there, you did make it anywhere, namely Washington, D. C.

     Your name prominently appears on countless buildings including the iconic Trump Tower as well as a multitude of championship golf courses. We have yet to locate one building or country club named for Oprah.

     If we have to play dirty, you’ve got a huge edge on her. Contrast your sterling reputation with her lengthy record of scandal including James Frey’s book, the hamburger panic and palling around with Harvey Weinstein.

     Finally, don’t forget your political genius and, in particular, your uncanny knack for creating devastating nicknames. We’ll leave it to you, sir, to come up with another classic zinger but might we suggest one of the following: Black Rosie, Obama Pal, “O”Yeah?, No Fat Chicks and Oprah Winfrey? More like Oprah Losefrey!

    We look forward to the presidential race in 2020 and await your further instructions. Please confirm whether or not you wish us to continue our investigations into Mark Cuban, The Rock and Homer Simpson as your possible next opponent.

Happy First Presidential Birthday

Today's Ottawa Citizen features my piece on Trump's first inaugural anniversary:

"The biggest and best birthday bash"

My New Book: "Donnie's First Year"

What do you do when you've got a year's worth of satirical pieces about Donald Trump? In my case, you put them in a book called "Donnie's First Year." It's now available on Amazon.com as a paperback and for your Kindle. It's also available on Amazon.ca. Check out the "Look inside" feature to view the first few pieces:  "Donnie's First Year"

Seven Words

        Last December, in order not to annoy the White House, the budget staff at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly banned the use of the following seven words: “vulnerable”, “entitlement”, “diversity”, “transgender”, “fetus”, “science-based” and “evidence-based.” Not exactly George Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” but troubling nonetheless. What hasn’t yet been revealed are the additional word excisions planned by other federal departments and agencies so as not to run afoul of the Trump administration. Thankfully, the usual unreliable sources have leaked them to us.

The Internal Revenue Service

     With Donald Trump’s “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017” now the law, this agency will be facing a difficult task in tracking down tax cheats. That job will be even harder once the IRS is prohibited from using the following seven words: “rich”, “audit”, “billionaire”, “unfair”, “evasion”, “offshore” and “capital gain.”

The Environmental Protection Agency

     Already hampered by budget cuts and rescinded regulations, the EPA will now have to try to do its job without using the following seven words: “climate”, “warming”, “solar”, “wind”, “geothermal”, “polluters” and “pollution.”

The Justice Department

     Times are tough at the Justice Department as President Trump seeks to limit certain investigations. However, it looks like they might get even tougher once these seven words are cut from the department’s vocabulary: “Russia”, “collusion”, “Mueller”, “recuse”, “subpoenas”, “impeach” and “unconstitutional.”

The U. S. Department of Education

     It’s bad enough that this department has been saddled by the woefully unprepared Betsy DeVos as its secretary. Now it will have to try to do its job without the use of these seven words: “growth”, “proficiency”, “testing”, “public”, “grants”, “loans” and “funding.”     

The Census Bureau

     Things were already not looking good for the nation’s statisticians ever since President Trump appointed the supremely unqualified Thomas Brunell as their new deputy director. And they will likely get even worse once the following seven words are banned: “nonpartisan”, “elections”, “fair”, “voting-rights”, “gerrymandering”, “minorities” and “underrepresentation.”

The Department of the Interior

     It’s one thing to put up with Secretary Ryan Zinke’s special flag flown at Interior’s headquarters when he’s in town. It’s another to have to worry about your job as Zinke cuts the department’s workforce to the bone. And now those folks will also have their storehouse of words reduced by these seven: “parkland”, “environment”, “endangered”, “Superfund”, “hazardous”, “clean-up” and “wildlife.”

The Department of State

     Morale is reportedly at an all-time low in this department thanks in part to its current head, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. His attempted overhaul of the State Department has driven out veteran diplomats and left the place in tatters. The days ahead won’t be any easier after the guardians of Trumpspeak have put the kibosh on these seven words: “multicultural”, “diplomacy”, “multilateralism”, “negotiated”, “humanitarian”, “NATO” and “UN.”

Resolutions You Can Keep

    No doubt you’re all caught up in the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season what with present-buying, tree-trimming and eye-gouging. So it’s easy to forget that New Year’s is almost upon us.

     That’s why it’s a good idea to get a jump on that annual celebration and make your plans now including New Year’s resolutions. Remember last year when you resolved to lose weight, quit smoking or stop arguing about politics? If you’re like most folks, that resolution lasted about as long as the Christmas turkey leftovers.

     So spare yourself the shame and disappointment of again failing to stick to your resolutions beyond January 2^nd and take some tips from an experienced resolver like me. Don’t set goals you know you’re not going to meet.

     Instead plan now to create a handful of resolutions, each of which will be a breeze to stick to. Resolutions like these:

Gain five pounds

     Instead of pointlessly resolving to lose weight, check your historical weight fluctuations and come up with a reasonable estimate of where you’re likely to be one year from now. Adding on five pounds should be eminently doable but, if you’re having doubts, just double it to ten.

Watch more TV

     You may wonder if you’re up to this challenge but, let’s face it, it’s not that hard. With today’s wealth of streaming services like Netflix, Hulu and Chromecast, you won’t just be watching TV, you’ll be binge-watching TV. Mission (and resolution) accomplished.

Become an oenophile

     Not to worry; this isn’t a call to become a book lover or a car enthusiast or anything like that. It’s just a fancy way of saying you’re going to drink more wine this coming year. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?

Tell more people to screw off

     Once you’ve made this resolution, you’ve got carte blanche to tell annoying folks to get lost. If they question your wisdom, just tell them you’re simply trying to satisfy one of your New Year’s resolutions.

Eat more ice cream

     You know you want to. The only thing holding you back has been your silly goal to lose weight. But remember; you’re actually looking to gain weight this year and what better way to do that than to keep your freezer full of ice cream.

Vote less

     With everyone badgering you to get out and cast your ballot, it’s time to take a personal stance and stop voting. After all, what has voting ever done for you? If you vote for the loser, you feel bad and if you vote for the winner, you feel responsible. It’s a no-win situation. If you feel you absolutely have to exercise your franchise, just spoil your ballot.

Exercise less

     Rather than drive yourself crazy trying to meet unrealistic goals, why not resolve to exercise less? For those serious about this resolution, keep a diary and record all the times you felt an urge to work out and were able to immediately squelch it.

Stop smelling roses

     Stopping to smell the roses is highly overrated. First of all, roses are expensive. Second, they tend to have thorns which can be painful. Finally, smelling roses usually involves bending over which means you can easily throw out your back. If you need to smell something, try a nice steak on the barbecue.

Continue not running for President

     Just because it has now been demonstrated that anyone can become President is no reason for you to abandon your goal of never doing so. Experience the joy and satisfaction of meeting your New Year’s expectation year after year with a minimum of effort.

Dear Santa

     It’s the holiday season and that means boys and girls everywhere are writing letters to Santa Claus telling him what they want for Christmas. Here are just a few of those letters:

Dear Santa,

     First of all, Santa, I want to thank you bigly for last year’s presents, especially that enormous electoral win and that record-breaking Inaugural crowd. I know it was mostly due to me but I do appreciate your help, however limited.

     This year, my Christmas list is a little different.  I wish I had written you earlier and let you know that I really wanted a Senate seat in Alabama but it looks like that one will have to wait until 2020.

     What I could use, however, is a legislative victory or two. I’m having lots of fun trashing all kinds of regulations but I really need to get something, anything, passed by Congress. I’m thinking possibly a giant tax cut for me and my friends or maybe even a repeal of that horrible Obamacare.

     Number one on my wish list this year is to get rid of that Russia investigation. I’m hoping you can get Rod Rosenstein to fire that naughty Bob Mueller or maybe just loosen a lug nut or two on one of his tires.

     If any of this is too much, you can always bring me what you’ve brought in years past. Given my electoral promises, I can never get too much coal in my stocking.

Donnie T.

Dear Santa,

     I don’t mean to start off by complaining, Santa, but you didn’t bring me everything I asked for last Christmas. I wrote you nice and early in the fall and asked for a popular vote victory and admittedly you did bring me that. However, I thought it went without saying that I also wanted an Electoral College win.

      This year, I really, really want to have a do-over or a recount or at least a White House Chatty Cathy doll that would spill the beans on Donald Trump. Or maybe you could leave an incriminating e-mail or two in Bob Mueller’s Christmas stocking.

     If nothing else, please tell that annoying Bernie Sanders to shut up. And, if it’s not too much to ask, could you find a job for my husband Bill? I’m really tired of him hanging around the house explaining what I did wrong in last year’s election.

Hillary C.

Dorogoy Santa,   (translation)

     Is time to thank you many, many times, Santa, for last year’s presents. What with all you brought me, there was very little room left under Christmas tree.

     Is hard to think what more you could bring me this year but I will try. Maybe you could have Mueller investigation drag on for many more months so my friend Donald will be distracted and I can do whatever I want to.

     Again, thank you very much, Santa, especially for last year’s Junior Computer Hacking kit and Trump Collusion board game. I hope to receive continued use and joy from these for many years to come.

Vladimir P.

Dear Santa,

     Looking back, Santa, I wish I hadn’t been so selfish in my Christmas gift requests last year. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have asked for all those tax cuts and that Mexican Wall. Now that I’ve seen what that Mr. Trump is like, the best thing you can give me this year is something to help me become an informed voter, a newspaper subscription say or maybe just an enquiring mind. I guess that won’t help right away but it might make a big difference come 2018 or 2020.

John Q. Public

The Night Before Christmas

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

(with apologies to Clement C. Moore)

       ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through D.C.

                All the lobbyists were hoping to get something for free;

                Their stockings hung outside The White House with care,

                In hopes that The Donald soon would be there.

                The CEOs were nestled all snug in their beds,

                While visions of tax cuts danced in their heads;

                And the House and the Senate and I in my cap,

                Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.

                When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

                I called Sarah Sanders to ask what was the matter.

               

                But the press secretary knew nothing of this strange event,

                Much less the workings of the Trump government.    

              

                 So I ventured outside to have a quick look,

                And to see if I’d find there a thief or a crook.

                 When, what to my wondering eyes should I view,

                 But a pork barrel wagon for the elite chosen few.

                 With a cagey head driver with one true belief,

                 I knew in a moment it was the Commander in Chief.

                 More rapid than eagles his rightwing friends came,

                 And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

                          

                 “Now Sessions! Now Carson! Now, Bannon and Ross!

                 On, Jared! On, Ivanka! On, Mnuchin and DeVos!

                 To the top of The White House! to the top of the wall!

                  Now give away! give away! give away all!”

                  With alt-right donations to help pave the way,

                  The President guided the patronage sleigh.

                  So out to the hustings his gang of friends flew,

                  With the sleigh full of goodies and Donald Trump, too.

                  And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the land

                  The gleeful outstretching of each corporate hand.

                  As I drew in my breath, and was turning around,

                  The government’s finances came tumbling down.

                  Donald Trump managed in the blink of both eyes,

                  To give away billions to just the right guys. 

                  Repealed regulations he gave with one hand,

                  Plus coal mining permits on government land.

                  His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!

                  His philosophy simple; his speech quite contrary!

                  He viewed the world only as good versus evil,

                  And tweeted out lies in a manner most gleeful.

                  He duped enough voters with a simple refrain,

                  By saying he’d “Make America Great Again.”

       

                  He chastised our allies in language quite plain,

                  In pursuit of a brand new nationalist reign.

                  He also spoke harshly of Korea’s Jong-un,

                  And repeatedly called him “Little Rocket Man.”

                  A wink of his eye and a slight verbal quirk,

                  Soon gave me to know what was really at work.

                  This guy was no dummy, no amiable dunce,

                  It was just a big cover to fool all the chumps.

                  And fool them he did wherever he went,

                  While doling out goodies to those of his bent.

                  He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

                  And away they all flew like an Exocet missile.

                  But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

                  “Merry Christmas to some, and to the rest - serves you right.”