A Hands-down Winner

Sarah Palin has not ruled out a run for the presidency in 2012. Speaking on Fox News after her appearance at the National Tea Party Convention in Nashville, the former Alaska governor said she would run "...if I believed that that is the right thing to do for our country and for the Palin family."
But apparently there are a number of hurdles Ms. Palin must get over before achieving the Republican nomination two-and-a-half years from now. First and foremost is her unique and sometimes incomprehensible speaking style.
"With the necessity of putting ideas out there for the American people and all," said Palin. "It’s crucial that sense can be made of at least some of the talking points that I might be speaking at any given time."
Talking points turns out to be another area that Governor Palin recognizes that she needs to work on. She accepts that it is not going to be sufficient to simply continue referring to "death panels", "gotcha journalism" and "the media elites." To that end, Ms. Palin has reportedly embarked on a crash course covering everything from foreign policy to healthcare to how many branches there are in the U. S. federal government.
"I think my weeks of study have paid off big time," said Palin. "As you may recall, after that Tea Party thing, I was almost able to specifically identify which of Obama’s policies I thought were wrong. It’s only a matter of time before I nail at least a couple of ‘em."
Body language is another area the former vice presidential candidate is determined to improve. In particular, she wants to avoid excessive use of hand gestures when speaking.
"It’s not so much that I want to stop waving my hands around up there," said Palin. "It’s more that I don’t want to be exposing my talking points on the palms of my hands when I do."
Asked to comment on President Obama’s frequent use of a teleprompter, Palin was harshly critical.
"I think it shows a lack of intelligence and an absence of good, old-fashioned common sense," said Ms. Palin. "God gave us hands and we should use them, not only to emphasize the points one is making but also to have something to write those points on so’s not to forget them during a speech."
"I’ve got so many good ideas," said Palin. "That I just wish I had three hands so I could write them all down."
Asked if her lack of government experience would present an obstacle to a possible 2012 run, Ms. Palin dismissed that concern and glanced at her ink-stained right hand bearing the words "published author" on it.
"If I can get someone to write a bestselling book for me," she said. "Surely I can find someone to help me run Washington if I should win."

Bread And Circuses

In true bread and circuses fashion, Prime Minister Harper asked that Parliament be prorogued, in part, because he didn’t want Canadians to be distracted during the upcoming Winter Olympics. But since most of us can walk and chew gum at the same time, Mr. Harper may want to reconsider and reconvene Parliament in February so we can continue to also view Ottawa’s own political winter games featuring unique events like these:

hooky
It sounds like hockey but it’s not. It’s hooky, the ongoing sport of Canadian federal parliamentarians. Whether it’s skipping out on House debates, passing up committee hearings or proroguing Parliament to avoid working at all, members of all parties know how to play this game. If not doing one’s job were an Olympic sport, Canada’s legislators would be perennial gold medal winners.

speed talking
If there’s one thing Canadian parliamentarians excel at, it’s talking and our MPs are especially adept at speaking quickly and from both sides of their mouths. The very best can combine those skills while also avoiding any meaningful statements. Long-winded MPs tend to compete in the one-on-one long track event while those who specialize in quips, insults and putdowns prefer the more raucous short track event also known as Question Period.

snowjobbing
Whether it’s the half-truth, the coverup or the flat-out lie, parliamentary snowjobbers are skilled at a multitude of deceptive moves. Like snowboarders, snowjobbers manage to twist, slide and turn themselves inside out while still somehow maintaining their position. But snowjobbers do have one advantage over their outdoor counterparts: when the competition gets tough, they don’t bail; they just ask for a do-over which they call "proroguing it, dude ."

party jumping
Definitely the most dangerous of parliamentary sports, party jumping is politics performed without a net. Also known as floor crossing, this event symbolizes both the agony and the ecstasy of political sport. The successful party jumper can end up with a government gold medal known as a "cabinet position." But, as in ski jumping, if the competitor doesn’t hit the take off just right, his career may nosedive in one spectacular tumbling crash.

bicameral reform
Like the biathlon, bicameral reform involves two sports in one. Members of Parliament perform their ongoing legislative duties while at the same time suggesting various reforms to the Senate. Like the biathlon’s rifle-shooting skiers, it takes nerves of steel for MPs to stop legislating and intermittently propose any one of a dozen impossible changes to the Red Chamber. From the triple-E spouting participants to the outright abolitionists, it’s unlikely anyone will ever finish this race.

stooge
It sounds like the daring winter sledding event called the luge and the similarities are striking. Parliamentarians compete to see how fast they can take an economy already flat on its back completely downhill. Like lugers, stooges can’t see where they’re going or where they’ve been and can’t stop the downhill trend. Unlike their Olympic counterparts, however, they make sure they’re well rewarded no matter how poorly they perform.

whirling
Curling may be the roaring game but Parliamentary debates are the boring game as they go round and round and ultimately nowhere. With MPs trying to sweep issues under the rug and looking to empty the House, everyone wants to skip the current session and no one seems capable of taking the lead. If you think curling is an instant cure for insomnia, try an hour of whirling debates in the House of Commons for a truly remarkable soporific.

A Mickey Mouse Campaign

The new political tell-all book "Game Change" reveals a number of faux pas from the 2008 presidential campaign including racist remarks by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and anti-Bill comments by Hillary Clinton. But apparently there was even more to tell as shown by these further campaign revelations:

Sarah Palin
Unknown to most, the Republican vice presidential candidate is actually an intellectual autodidact and a top-flight foreign policy expert. Forced to play the dumb brunette, the former Alaska governor chafed under the "dumb it down" restrictions imposed by the McCain camp. "I would have liked nothing better than to fully explicate my vision for a tripartite American hegemony with Katie Couric," said Ms. Palin. "But I was told not to even admit to reading any magazines."

Barack Obama
Touted as the perfect embodiment of a post-racial America, it turns out that Barack Obama wasn’t perfect either. While on the hustings, candidate Obama repeatedly referred to his coterie of advisors as "my white-skinned Caucasian caucus" and mocked their tendency to speak like Harvard intellectuals. "I have since apologized to my team," said the President. "And informed them that, in fact, I think that they sound more like Mitt Romney."

John McCain
It turns out that the erratic and irascible behavior of the Republican presidential nominee was not a personal choice but instead was the result of age-related hormonal imbalances. "Believe me, at heart, I was still America’s biggest maverick," said the Arizona senator. "And not America’s biggest dick." To those who doubt this explanation, McCain points to his current dickish and obstructionist moves regarding healthcare and finance reform in the Senate.

Joe Biden
When asked about any additional previously unreported miscues from his 2008 vice presidential campaign, Joe Biden said: "Oh, yeah, there were plenty more screw-ups but Barack has asked me to zip my lip for now. I’m just going to stick to my current screw-ups for now."

Tiger Woods
One person who apparently does want to talk about his role in the 2008 presidential campaign is Tiger Woods. The world famous golfer, who has been noticeably reticent to talk about his extracurricular activities of late, was completely forthcoming about his political activities in the fall of 2008. "I’d like to be completely honest about my involvement in the presidential race," said Woods. "I had absolutely nothing to do with either campaign. Heck, I didn’t even vote."

Jay Leno
Talk show host Jay Leno points to errors by NBC executives during the 2008 campaign that damaged his career. "It wasn’t just the stupid decision to move me to the 10 P.M. time slot," said a disgruntled Leno. "It was also their insistence that I not sleep with my female staffers." To those who say he would be crazy to leave NBC, Leno repeatedly replies: "Crazy? Yeah, crazy like a FOX!"

Mickey Mouse
Everyone noted that the venerable Hollywood icon turned 80 during the last presidential campaign. But what the public didn’t see was a once proud star repeatedly embarrassed by the pejorative use of his name by both sides in the race. "I don’t think people know how much it hurt to have Democrats and Republicans alike refer to the other side’s tactics as Mickey Mouse," said the animated rodent. "Even my old pal Ronald Reagan didn’t have to put up with that kind of abuse."

Metaphorical Sports Advice

Tiger Woods is no doubt tired of hearing commentators making light of his situation by using every golf metaphor in the book. Instead, it might be a relief for the world’s greatest stickman to get some helpful advice from his famous colleagues in other sports:

Alex Rodriguez
Tiger, I feel for you, I really do. When all those rumors were swirling around about me and Madonna hitting for the cycle, I just about lost my mind. The best advice I can give you is to dig into the batter’s box, square your hips to the mound and, above all else, keep your eye on the ball. So long as your bat is ready, you can’t go wrong. But remember, even the best swinger only succeeds one out of three times. So if you find yourself striking out a lot, it just means you’re that much closer to hitting it out of the park or at least getting to third base.

Andre Agassi
It’s too bad you didn’t hang out more with Roger. Then you’d never be in trouble. But now that the damage is done, what do you do? I’d say let it ride, wait about ten years and then write a book. In the meantime, stop trying to score with aces every time. You need more of an all-around approach. That way people won’t suspect when you run around your backhand or try the occasional passing shot in a love game. But remember, if you approach the net too often, eventually you’re gonna get burned.

Joe Namath
Your big mistake, pal, was to get married. That’s the difference between a cheater and a ladies’ man. But now that you’re being blitzed by the media, here’s some friendly advice. Stay away from the sack. That doesn’t mean you have to stop making passes; it just means you have to be more discrete in your play calling. For example, try a screen play. Fake a throw to the outside, get the media leaning in that direction and then send a short, tight spiral right down the middle. Fools ‘em every time.

Michael Jordan
It’s part of the fame game, brother. The media has been hounding me with allegations of infidelity before I could even drive the lane. When they come at you with a full-court press, just deny them the ball; don’t admit anything. Then when you’re back at home drilling those three-pointers and hitting nothing but net, they’re none the wiser. Remember, though, in life, like basketball, there’s no such thing as a free throw. As always, ya gotta pay to play.

Wayne Gretzky
I feel your pain, man. I’ll never forget the media feeding frenzy when my wife Janet was involved in those gambling allegations. If you find that you’re occasionally on thin ice, make sure you have a wingman. Then you just pass the puck to the other guy and you’re in the clear. But if no one’s on your tail, take the breakaway and always shoot for the five hole. When all else fails, just remember the basics: keep your stick on the ice and your helmet strapped on.

Health Care Reform, The Series

It’s official. Conan O’Brien is leaving NBC and Jay Leno will be reclaiming The Tonight Show in March. For the last two weeks in February, the network will fill the vacated 10 P.M. time slot with the Winter Olympics. But after that, it’s unclear what show will take over although rumor has it that it may be one of the following candidates:

The Conan O’Brien Show
Looking to mitigate the $32 million severance payment to Conan O’Brien, the executive geniuses at NBC have come up with an almost unique solution. They’re going to offer the carrot-topped comedian a one-hour, prime time talk show with the promise that he’ll eventually host The Tonight Show when Jay Leno leaves or hell freezes over, whichever comes first. Asked to comment on how this show will differ from the failed Jay Leno Show, NBC President Jeff Zucker said: "It won’t but at least we’ll get some of that $32 million back."

Infomercials
Long a staple of late night television, it looks like infomercials may finally crack the prime time lineup. Whether it’s a pitch for food dehydrators, juicers or cooking grills, one-hour product commercials present a tempting revenue stream for cash-strapped NBC. Production costs for the network are zero and program revenues could help offset severance payments that will likely arise from future screw-ups by network executives. "I see it as a win-win situation," said Jeff Zucker. "Hey, who knows, we may even be able to sell off the set from The Jay Leno Show and unused characters from Conan’s old show like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the Masturbating Bear.

Executive Survivor
Looking to ride the reality TV trend into the ground, NBC is reportedly considering a new offering called Executive Survivor. Current NBC execs and a group of executive wannabes compete in teams to see who will survive to run American’s fourth place network. Elimination competitions will include "Identifying possible prime time shows", "Interpreting Nielsen ratings" and "Spotting the obvious." One major advantage of this option is that so long as the show is in production, there will be no executives at NBC headquarters to screw things up even worse.

The Today Show Primetime
That’s right; The Today Show will be moved to 10 o’clock. NBC executives admit that moving Jay Leno to that hour was a mistake but they’re not giving up on the concept of massive schedule shuffling. "Rethinking the demographics and our viewer survey results suggests folks want Meredith Vieira, Matt Lauer and Al Roker on at night," said Jeff Zucker. "And if that works out, maybe we’ll just extend The Today Show to run 24/7."

Health Care Reform
One possibility is that NBC will go back to producing successful medical drama series like ER and St. Elsewhere in the 10 P.M. time slot. Shooting has already reportedly started on the new political-medical drama Health Care Reform. Shot on location in Washington, D. C., the series features members of Congress, healthcare industry lobbyists and a frustrated President engaged in an ongoing but ultimately fruitless search for meaningful reform of America’s ailing health care system. The plot lines are apparently endless since, as Jeff Zucker says: "Let’s face it; these guys screw things up even worse than we do."

The Yesternight Show

"The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show."
- Conan O’Brien - January 12, 2010

The nation is in crisis. I’m not talking about the tanking economy, the two ongoing wars and the current intelligence failures. They are no doubt important. But what is far more important is the terrifying uncertainty surrounding late night television in America.

Yes, Conan has a point. After all, if a show starts at five minutes after midnight, it can’t rightly be called the Tonight Show. It could be called Late Night or the Late Show or even the Late Late Show but it’s definitely no longer Tonight.

It could be called the Today Show but that would threaten almost the entirety of NBC’s morning schedule. It might be dubbed the Tomorrow Show although I believe that used to be Tom Snyder’s venue.

It could be called the Not Tonight Show since, as previously noted, it is no longer Tonight. Perhaps it could even be called the Yesterday Show since although it is now Today, the show really wants to be on Last Night which, in fact, was Yesterday.

But Yesterday suggests a non-nighttime event, something that happens during the day. To be more accurate, it would be better to coin a new name. It’s not tonight but it would like to be tonight. It’s the Yesternight Show.

As you can see, it’s not easy being a TV executive. It requires the wisdom of Saul, the patience of Job and the intelligence of the average television viewer. Difficult decisions are constantly facing these folks and they must walk a fine line in their attempts to retain as much top talent as they can.

Speaking of the wisdom of Saul, perhaps there is a simple solution to this national tragedy-in-the-making. Like Saul’s suggestion to the two women fighting over the baby, I submit that the NBC execs simply split the difference.

Jay Leno would start at 11:35 P. M. as proposed and, instead of a half hour show, he would present a fifteen minute monologue. Then Conan would come on at 11:50 P. M. thereby preserving the "tonightness" of the Tonight Show.

Once Conan’s one-hour show wrapped up at 12:50 A. M., Jay would return to finish up his designated half hour with a second fifteen-minute segment. At that point, I suspect that it wouldn’t really matter what time Jimmy Fallon came on.

"Crazy?" you might say. Crazy, yes. Crazy like a FOX.

Two Poems For Wall Street

Found posted on a lamppost on Wall Street

"FIRST THEY BAILED OUT"

In America, first they bailed out the hedge funds,
But I didn’t speak up because I was not highly leveraged;
And then they bailed out the bankers,
But I didn’t ask for anything because I was not a banker;
And then they bailed out the insurers,
But again I did not speak up because I was not an insurer;
And then they bailed out the auto companies,
But I did not complain because I was not part of the Big Three;
And then they came to bail out me,
But by then there was nothing left to give.

Found on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, December 2008

"DIVERSIFICATA"

Go placidly amid the fallen equities and waste,
and remember what growth you may have achieved before the crash.

As far as possible, having surrendered,
bear no ill will to any brokers.
Declare your capital losses quietly and clearly;
and do not listen to others,
even the gurus and financial advisors;
for they no longer have their portfolios.
Avoid loud and aggressive TV commentators;
they are vexatious to your personal worth.

If you compare your portfolio with others,
you may become sad or bitter,
for always there will be greater and better performers than yours.
Enjoy your remaining capital as well as your meager dividends.
Keep invested in your IRA, however humble;
it is a real albeit declining possession in the failing markets of today.

Exercise caution in high tech and real estate,
for the world is full of devious advisors.
But let not this blind you to what secure investments there are;
many persons strive for high yields
but be satisfied with low single-digit returns.
Be yourself. Especially do not invest offshore.
Neither be cynical about bonds,
for in the face of volatility and change
they are as dependable as the dawn.

Take kindly the three percent growth of the term deposit,
gracefully surrendering the double-digit losses of yesterday.
Nurture a cash position to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with thoughts of deflation.
Many fears are born of investor fatigue and deficits.

Beyond a strict financial plan,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the economy
no less than the bankers and the auto makers;
you have a duty to invest.
And whether or not it is profitable to you,
no doubt the markets are unfolding as they should.

Therefore, be at peace with Greenspan,
whatever you conceived Him to be.
And whatever your investment losses
in the noisy confusion of finance,
keep bonds in your portfolio.

With all its Madoffs, Lehman Brothers and AIGs;
it is still a beautiful market.
Be patient. Strive to be conservatively invested.

Hoisted By Their Own Petards

The genesis of the ongoing Tiger Woods scandal was an apparent, somewhat ironic use of a golf club by his wife Elin Nordegren to inflict damage on Tiger’s Cadillac Escalade. But some recent shallow scholarship has revealed that this is not the first time that a celebrity has been attacked with the tools of his own trade.

Dimaggio-Monroe
Legend has it that the short-lived marriage between Marilyn Monroe and the Yankee Clipper was a tempestuous affair. Although difficult to confirm, it is believed that one major blowup culminated with Ms. Monroe swinging for the Yankee’s head with a 34-ounce Lou Gehrig model Louisville Slugger lightly tarred near the handle. Luckily for Joltin’ Joe, the only damage was a broken coffee carafe and a slightly bruised ego.

Gretzky-Jones
Some unreliable sources report that when hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky confronted his wife about her alleged gambling infractions a few years ago, she went ballistic. If seldom reliable reports are true, Ms. Jones’s weapon of choice was an Easton aluminum hockey stick with a slightly curved blade and an unusually low lie. The only reported victims were some glassware and an autographed Edmonton Oilers souvenir plate from the team’s 1984 Stanley Cup-winning season.

Beckham-Spice
Five years ago, rumors of marital infidelity swirled around British soccer star David Beckham. Although Mr. Beckham dismissed the rumors as "ludicrous", his wife Victoria Beckham was not so easily mollified. The former Spice Girl apparently flew into a blind rage and started pummelling her fleet-footed footballer husband with a trio of Adidas +Teamgeist model soccer balls. Despite his advancing years, Mr. Beckham was reportedly still agile enough to dodge two shots and head the third one harmlessly away.

Roth-Bloom
Perhaps the most notorious literary marriage of the late 20th century, the Roth-Bloom coupling was awash in deceit, lies and infidelity. The details of that ill-fated romance are set out in Claire Bloom’s memoir "Leaving a Doll’s House." What the actress didn’t reveal, however, was that she, too, used Philip Roth’s own tools against him. Insiders report that Mr. Roth more than once showed up at a local hospital with superficial wounds inflicted by everything from an HB pencil to an IBM Selectric. Some say that his medical records also reveal psychological injuries no doubt caused by his enraged spouse’s excessive use of double entendres, mixed metaphors and dangling participles.

Napoléon-Joséphine
The storied love between the Emperor Napoléon and his Empress Joséphine lives on in legend even today. But what is not so well known is how Joséphine reacted to her husband’s frequent dalliances with other women. Given his small stature, it has been reported that the empress’s favorite method of revenge was to push the tiny emperor over, hold him down with his right hand lodged inside his vest and inflict a painful series of noogies, wedgies and Indian burns.

Zeus-Hera
Known as a jealous and spiteful wife, Hera took many actions to thwart Zeus’s extramarital activities. What isn’t so widely known, however, is the manner in which she took revenge on her wayward hubby in the privacy of their own digs atop Mount Olympus. In ancient Greek times, the rumblings emanating from that fabled mountaintop were thought to be Hera’s use of Zeus’s own lightning and thunderbolts to keep him in line. Indeed, a closer examination of statues of the former Hellenic deity reveal light burn and singe marks throughout his ample beard.

Tiger's Albatross

To date, Tiger Woods has not made a full disclosure about his alleged indiscretions. However, the following discarded first draft of a public apology obtained from seldom reliable sources suggests that one may be forthcoming soon:

Although I originally asked that all this be treated as a private matter, I now realize that I owe my fans an explanation. I consider that to be a fair way to deal with my situation.

As long as I can remember, golf has been my life. No matter how rough the path or how tough the lie, I have always tried to shoot straight and avoid the bunkers.

It is with that attitude that I address you today. While it is true that I recently landed in a few traps, I assumed that I could scramble and avoid further hazards.

I now have to admit to ending up with an unplayable lie. Given that unfortunate occurrence, I was hoping to be granted a relief or at least be allowed to simply play through.

I recognize that what I have done may have been out of bounds. All I can say is that I hope you can forgive me and gimmie a free drop.

I acknowledge that I have let you the fans down. I had a reputation to uphold and I clearly did not read the green properly. Despite my penchant for the double D and holing out, I should have kept my putter true and left my ball at home.

Although I am famous for my long game, especially on the back nine, that’s no excuse for not adopting an open stance. Yes, I like my tip stiffness on the harder side and I can usually be counted on for a spectacular woodie or two each round. But just because someone has an itch doesn’t mean he should scratch it.

I think you’ll agree that I’m known for coming up big when there’s a trouble shot. Whether it’s nailing a wind cheater off the tee or holing a snake from sixty yards, I’ve never been known as a sand bagger.

So these latest accusations sting like a triple bogey on the first hole of a playoff. But please forgive me and I promise that, from now on, I’ll keep my wood on the course and my balls in my bag.

Enquirer Seeks Bailout

In a late breaking development in the ongoing Tiger Woods scandal, "The National Enquirer" has asked for a federal bailout.

"We’ve held off going hat in hand to the government as long as we could," said Managing Editor Frank Lee Prurient. "But we’ve kind of hit the wall on this Tiger Woods thing."

Apparently The Enquirer is not rolling in dough as many thought. Taking on the investigative duties formerly performed by the mainstream media has inflicted a heavy financial toll.

The Tiger Woods story appears to be the straw that broke the tabloid’s fiscal back. Although the initial disclosures did not cause too much of a burden on the paper, the escalating stream of revelations has threatened its ongoing viability.

"Look," said Prurient. "We can handle two, three, maybe even four or five mistresses coming forward. But once we get past half a dozen bimbo eruptions, it’s a real strain on our bottom line."

Luckily for The Enquirer, the federal government recently announced that not all of the huge bank bailout fund will need to be used. That leaves $200 billion or more available for public works, job creation and support for other industries in financial peril.

"I think we qualify on all three counts," said Prurient. "All we need is one or two hundred million dollars," said the managing editor. "That’s a drop in the bucket for the government’s TARP program but it would work miracles for us. Let’s face it; when you’re trying to track down the sexual partners of a billionaire like Tiger Woods, you need all the cash you can get."

President Obama has not commented yet on The Enquirer’s request but is reportedly cool to the idea. An unidentified White House spokesperson has instead suggested some of the bailout money be spent on identifying women who have not slept with Tiger Woods.

"In the long run, we think it would be a wiser allocation of government funds," said the anonymous source. "After all, it’s bound to cost a lot less to find out who hasn’t slept with Mr. Woods than to find out who has."

What's Next For Oprah?

Let’s have some fun and try completing this sentence: "Oprah ends her talk show in 2011 and decides instead to....."

* Groom Sarah Palin as her talk show host replacement, the new show to be called "Simply Sarah."
* Take on Dave, Jay, Conan, et al. with the first late night talk show hosted by a woman since Joan Rivers’s ill-fated, short-lived run with "The Late Show" on Fox in 1986.
* Challenge Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and T. Boone Pickens to a high-stakes, winner-take-all poker game for financial domination of the free world.
* Open her own bookstore called Oprah’s Book Club.
* Buy Amazon.com and call it OprahsBookClub.com.
* Spend more time with her family.
* Adopt a third-world orphan and give him or her a new life.
* Adopt a small, third-world country and develop it into a member of the G20.
* Eat anything she damn well pleases for the next twenty years.
* Build her own theater in Vegas and perform two shows nightly with added weekend matinees until Celine Dion cries "Uncle!"
* Buy the Chicago Cubs and get them into the World Series.
* Establish a seniors’ home for retired (or should-be-retired) daytime talk show hosts like Phil Donahue, Jerry Springer and Montel Williams.
* Take as much time as necessary to get Stedman to stop calling himself a consultant and get a real job.
* Start calling herself Ms. Winfrey again.
* Replace Joe Biden as the Vice Presidential candidate on Barack Obama’s ticket for 2012.
* Replace Barack Obama on the 2012 ticket.

Pardoned Turkey Kills Again

Just when they thought things couldn’t get any worse, White House officials learned that this year’s pardoned Thanksgiving turkey has gone on a nationwide killing spree.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs was tightlipped and circumspect in announcing the tragic events. This year’s pardoned poultry, a 45-pound bird named Courage, apparently escaped from Big Thunder Ranch in Disneyland’s Frontierland where he ended up after his stint as grand marshal of Disneyland’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

"The White House regrets to announce that the turkey pardoned by President Obama on Wednesday has killed upwards of six people in southern California," said Mr. Gibbs. "And there are reports that he may have injured dozens more."

Investigations have revealed that Courage (a.k.a. Salmonella Sam) was known to authorities for some time as a vicious spreader of various bacteria. Apparently it is not just undercooked turkeys who are a threat to the American people.

"Live turkeys are even more dangerous," said FDA spokesperson Harold Haroldson. "If they manage to sneak into your home, they can spread bacteria without you even knowing it."

The FBI has issued an all-points bulletin asking citizens to be on the lookout for a rather large, white, feathered turkey who is unarmed yet considered to be very dangerous. According to authorities, the bird is not a flight risk although he can flap his wings and travel at speeds of upwards of three miles an hour.

The White House hopes to have the wayward bird back in captivity soon although the President has apparently not yet decided if it will be returned to Big Thunder Ranch or will instead serve as next year’s Thanksgiving dinner at Guantanamo Bay.

Whatever course of action the President ultimately chooses, it looks like Joe Biden has already decided to take matters into his own hands. The Vice President was reportedly last seen on Air Force Two heading east to Istanbul declaring that, unlike the Bush Administration, "this White House has no intention of pardoning Turkey."

The Palin Book Flu

As America continues to battle the spread of the swine flu, it is now facing a new threat: the Palin book flu. Until recently, this novel virus was thought to have been contained and to be relatively mild. But thanks to an unscrupulous publisher, the Palin bug has now been released in the thousands and appears to be spreading rapidly across the country.

The Palin book flu is classified as a member of the political memoir family of viruses. In many respects, it resembles other members of that viral family in that it contains innocuous biographical information. However, it appears to be much more virulent than other such viruses in that it contains large doses of innuendo and character assassination.

The Palin book flu also differs in who and how it infects. Unlike other political memoirs, its readers often comprise the young, the politically naive and others lacking a fully-formed populist bafflegab immune system.

Most political memoirs are released into the general population in December in anticipation of pre-Christmas seasonal sales. The Palin book flu, on the other hand, started appearing much earlier in mid-November which makes it difficult for authorities to take measures to halt its spread.

The Palin book flu also differs from other literary bugs in the pattern of its transmission. Normally new literary creations appear first in major centers like New York and Los Angeles and spread out from there. The Palin book flu’s epidemiological pattern seems to be counterintuitive with most reported cases showing up in Middle America.

In fact, political epidemiologists have labelled this new bug a so-called rogue virus. Its geographical pattern seems to be entirely unpredictable with outbreaks being reported in such centers as Fort Wayne, Grand Rapids, Columbus and a dozen other swing state cities.

Some high profile individuals have already been hit with this new flu and report that its effects are nasty and long lasting. Former presidential candidate John McCain, for one, is still feeling the effects of the Palin book flu and may never fully recover. Broadcast journalist Katie Couric is another flu victim who is reportedly still suffering from aftereffects such as a bruised ego and falling ratings.

Sarah Palin, the creator of the eponymous bug, has shown no remorse for the damage it has inflicted on the country. In fact, she has actively promoted and encouraged the spread of the dangerous book by enlisting such TV personalities as Oprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters.

The White House has reportedly taken active steps to halt or at least slow the spread of the Palin book virus. Although officials are not overly concerned about its immediate effect on the population, they are apparently worried about its long term effects. As it is currently constituted, the virus is not too dangerous but it could easily mutate and add presidential aspirations to its genetic makeup.

To this end, the federal government has begun identifying the virus and developing a vaccine. Usually a flu vaccine is created from a dead version of the virus which is used to stimulate one’s immune response. In this case, however, it is believed that a novel approach must be adopted and that, in order to be truly effective, the vaccine must contain a judicious mix of fact, policy and historical knowledge. It is hoped that such a mixture will protect readers from a full-blown infection before the fall of 2012 at the very latest.

A Dobbsian World View

It’s official; longtime CNN anchor Lou Dobbs has resigned. The controversial host of "Lou Dobbs Tonight" reportedly felt constrained by his network’s policy of neutrality and impartiality.

"I tried to call things as I saw them," said Dobbs. "Like illegal immigration and foreign-born presidents. But I was always having to ratchet back my true feelings on the issues of the day."

CNN had reportedly urged Mr. Dobbs to moderate his opinions but the popular host apparently chafed under those restrictions. Now, however, he will be free to give full voice to his views on all manner of topics.

"Sure, I came down hard on illegal immigration," the former host said. "But I could only tell half the story. It turns out that illegal Hispanics are not the worst of it. When you really examine the issue of illegal aliens, it’s hard not to avoid the indisputable fact that most of them are true aliens coming from other solar systems."

Pressed to provide further details, Dobbs at first said that he would wait to expand and expound on these new controversial views when he had assumed a new hosting position. In the end, however, he couldn’t resist.

"Let’s just say that true illegal aliens are even trickier and more troubling than those folks sneaking over our southern border," said the former financial reporter. "And once I have nailed down a new TV host position, I’ll be able to discuss the matter in more detail."

Although Dobbs wouldn’t say too much, it appears that he sees more trouble on the horizon for America.

"A lot of folks dismiss the Birther movement," said Dobbs. "But I think there’s a lot more to it than meets the eye. If you check into the president’s history, you can’t even find a birth record for him from Kenya. And when you hear the name Barack Obama, it’s hard to place it in any country on this planet. I don’t know what kind of records they keep in the Alpha Centauri star system but I wouldn’t be surprised to find Barack Obama filed right between Banik Oaruma and Bornak Ozckx."

Without giving too much away, Mr. Dobbs hinted that he’s also prepared to demonstrate how John Kerry’s Swift Boat Navy service gave rise to global warming which in turn has secretly necessitated the implementation of death panels.

"It’s not like I’m finding a conspiracy under every rock," said Dobbs. "But I wouldn’t be surprised to find something under every second or third rock."

As for a potential new anchor position for the populist porcine pundit, his initial optimism about landing a new gig may be misplaced. "Yes we’ve had an enquiry," said Fox News’s Glenn Beck. "And we think the world of Lou but, let’s face it, he’s too nutty even for us."

White House Trick-or-treaters

It’s Halloween and that means American homes from coast to coast will be visited by scary costumed trick-or-treaters. And that includes the nation’s First Residence: The White House. Here are some of the frightening visitors President Obama can expect this Saturday night.

The Clintons
Hillary drops by to remind Obama what he can expect in 2012 if he doesn’t give her some more treats. She’s not saying she’ll run against him in three years’ time but she’s not saying she won’t either. But if Hillary doesn’t get what she wants, she may just unleash her sidekick Scary Bill.

The Birthers
They’re back and they’re scarier than ever. They’re the Birthers and now they’ve got a whole new crazy story about Obama’s non-American origins. It turns out that he was really born in the Panama Canal Zone as the love child of Che Guevara and former Black Panther Angela Davis.

Joe Biden
He looks friendly and harmless but once he opens his mouth, he can scare the bejesus out of the president. Dressed as a loose canon, Joe Biden also has loose shoes, loose lips and a loose tongue.

Nobel Peace Prize
It hasn’t gone away and it’s even creepier than before. Now the prize is showing up to remind Obama that he has to come to Oslo in December to accept an award that he’s done little to deserve. Like an albatross hanging around his neck, it looks like this prize will haunt him for years.

Sgt. Joseph Crowley
Recently transferred from the Boston police force, Sgt. Crowley pays a Halloween visit to The White House after receiving an anonymous report of a scary black man trying to break in. Hopefully the president won’t protest or he might be charged with GWB - governing while black.

The Public Option
Just when the president thought it had died, the Public Option is back and it’s as frightening as ever with its scary threats of government involvement and universal access. If Obama can’t drive a stake through its Medicare-shaped heart, the Public Option may kill healthcare reform forever.

Sarah Palin
This year, the former Alaska governor is wearing a new scary costume; she’s coming as a Death Panel. In a frightening ironic twist for Obama, the more he attacks Ms. Palin with facts and logic, the stronger she becomes.

The Campaign Promises
This group of Halloween visitors is the president’s worst nightmare. Whether it’s Healthcare Reform; Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; or The Iraq War, their appearance is a scary reminder of goals unmet. If this gang of trick-or-treaters keeps coming back, Obama may have to find a new residence in three years.

Glenn Beck
Dressed as the Race Card, Glenn Beck drops by to accuse Obama of hating white people. Although the president might protest that the only white person he hates is Glenn Beck, Mr. Beck won’t let truth and rationality defeat his scary demagoguery.

The American Voter
Possibly the scariest visitor to The White House, the American Voter is as crazy and unpredictable as an Oxycontin-fueled, right-wing radio talk show host. One minute he wants change and the next minute he doesn’t. Frightening as it is to consider, this spooky character twice elected George W. Bush.

A Brand New Philly Phanatic

Hey Philadelphians. Do me a favor. Do whatever you can to help your Phillies beat the Yankees.

It’s not that I’m a genuine Phillies fan. In fact, if truth be told, I’m still a Montreal Expos fan. That’s right; the same hapless Expos who slunk out of town five years ago to become the hapless Washington Nationals.

In fact, I can’t really say that I owe any one team an allegiance at this point. But there is one thing I do know. Through thick and thin, from my earliest baseball memory to my latest diamond disappointment, there has been one faithful, abiding constant: I hate the New York Yankees.

No matter who wore the Yankee pinstripes over the last fifty years, I disliked them. That encompasses an historical hate on that includes Mickey Mantle, Derek Jeter and every pinstripes-wearing player in between.

So when I ask you Philadelphians to do your best to cheer on your team, it’s not because of a soft spot for the Phillies or even a mild preference for National League teams. It’s a request born of something much deeper and stronger: Yankee hatred.

I think most of you understand where I’m coming from. After all, the Yankees are a franchise whose fans are whining because they haven’t won a World Series since 2003. Big deal. You folks know what a real Series-winning drought is and it sure ain’t six years.

Philly fans have experienced disappointment over the years. Despite making it to the World Series seven times, the team has only won two titles and the first one didn’t come until 1980, a Chicago Cubs-sized dry spell if there ever was one.

And when it comes to disappointments, let’s not forget one of the biggest chokes in baseball history, the 1964 6½-game Phold under manager Gene Mauch. That’s the same Gene Mauch who guided the Montreal Expos to their perennial second division finishes for the first seven years of their existence.

Some might say: "Hey, the Phillies won it last year; it’s time for someone else to get a chance." Oh yeah? Someone other than the Yankees maybe. But with the Bronx Bombers, we’re talking about baseball’s richest franchise, a franchise that has won 40 American League pennants and 26 - count ‘em 26 - World Series titles.

The Yankees need another championship like Philadelphia needs another cracked bell. Given your team’s long-suffering history, back-to-back Series victories is not asking for too much. Let those damn Yankees wait for a change. Let them see what it’s like to go decades without a title.

So let me hear you this Saturday when the bad guys show up at Citizens Bank Park. Give them a little taste of brotherly hate and, with any luck, they’ll be run out of town by Sunday night. Not only will Philadelphians celebrate but so will I and millions of other temporary Philly fans.

Obama Re-gifts the Nobel

Ever since the news broke about this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, it’s been pretty clear that President Obama is not that happy to receive it. As with any unwanted gift, there are a number of ways to get rid of it. One of the most popular options is re-gifting as shown by these recently revealed e-mails:

Hillary Clinton
Thanks for offering me the Nobel Peace Prize, Barack. It’s potentially a great honor but I just wouldn’t feel right about accepting it. Those Norwegian guys gave it to you and I think that you should keep it. I’m sure it will be a big plus for you if you ever decide to run for reelection.

Bill Clinton
Thanks for the offer, big guy. I’d really like to take it ‘cause I know that no one has done more to promote world peace and friendly relations than me. But Hillary says I’ll be back in the doghouse if I let you off the hook.

George W. Bush
It was great to hear from you Bobama. Hope all is well in The White House. Did you ever find that extra trillion dollars I hid in the Oval Office? Just kidding; I’m pretty sure I left nothing behind. As for the prize, thanks but no thanks. That middle east mess is all yours now, buddy.

Benjamin Netanyahu
Oy vey! I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so hard. I know you probably don’t deserve the prize but I have to admit that I probably deserve it even less. Plus, it’s kind of a bad luck charm around here if you remember what happened to the last Israeli who got it.

Hamid Karzai
You’re kidding, right? My country’s overrun with Taliban and I can’t even fix my reelection without everybody getting all democratic on me. Believe me, the last thing I need is a secondhand peace prize.

Kim Jong-il
Whoa, whoa! Not so fast. You always giving me hard time about nuclear bombs and rocket testing and all that crazy stuff. Now you want me to do you a favor? How about we talk this over and you tell me what’s in it for me? I was thinking maybe a case of Scotch, a Rolex and a couple of iPods.

Mahmoud Ahmajinedad
Sure, I’ll take it. Does it come with any money or fissionable material?

An Unseasonable Election

With all this talk of a fall election, it behoves us to consider the merits of an autumnal trip to the polling booth. Is that really the best time?

Personally, I love the fall. Crisp, clear, sunny days with cool nights perfect for sleeping. But is it a good time for an election?

I would say no. After all, why would we want to take away any days from this delightful season? Given our short summers, it would be a crime to reduce our opportunities to enjoy the fall colors and the fall harvest.

Plus we’re pretty busy this time of year. The kids are back at school, the workplace is in post-vacation mode and Halloween preparations are already under way.

So if a fall election is out, what about a winter election? Who would care if a campaign interrupted our six-month annual hibernation?

Well, I would for one. It’s true that there’s not a lot to look forward to during winter. Our time is taken up with such horrid chores as shovelling snow, changing winter tires, washing dirty cars and endlessly putting on and taking off layers of heavy clothing.

Why would we want to insert another unwanted chore in the middle of this season from hell? Canadian winters are depressing enough as it is without throwing in an election campaign to boot. It’s tough enough to make it to spring without listening to Messrs. Harper, Ignatieff, Layton and Duceppe for five straight weeks.

So what about spring? It’s the season of renewal, of new life, new hopes and new beginnings. Surely those metaphors alone should auger well for an election.

Not so fast. Yes, spring is great. But remember, this is Canada. Spring generally lasts all of five weeks which it just so happens is the typical length of a federal election campaign.

Do you want to remember spring as a five-week, coast-to-coast gabfest by our feckless leaders? I didn’t think so.

Which leaves us summer. A lovely season when it occasionally decides to show up. But not the time to hold an election.

Summer is our one chance to get away from it all. And "all" includes politics in general and elections in particular.

As Vivaldi might have said: "So much for the four seasons." So when should we have an election? Personally, I’d say let’s hold an election any time so long as it’s not in the spring, summer, winter or fall. I think most Canadians would be on board with such a seasonable proposal.

Death Panel Implementation

In his recent address to Congress, President Obama derisively dismissed Sarah Palin’s accusation that the Democrats’ healthcare reform package includes provisions for so-called death panels. But recently leaked White House documents suggest that maybe the former Alaska governor was right.

Memorandum *** TOP SECRET ***

To: The President
From: Some Guy
Re: Death Panel Proposal

Once a final bill has been agreed to by both the House and the Senate, it will be time to start planning ahead for the creation, composition and regulation of the new Death Panels.

First off, I strongly suggest that we change the term Death Panel. Secret polling has revealed that an overwhelming majority of respondents don’t react well to that phrase. We’ve been kicking around a few other names for your consideration and have attached them as Schedule A.

Personally, I’m kind of partial to The Taxpayer Reduction Tribunal. Anything that includes the words "tax" and "reduction" is bound to sound good to a lot of voters.

I also like The End-of-life Planning Board and The Early Checkout Council. Everyone likes to plan and an early checkout suggests efficiency and convenience.

Next, of course, you’re gong to have to set your mind to the board’s structure. We’re thinking literally of a tribunal, as in panels of three so we won’t get stuck with tie votes when it comes to final decisions. The last thing a dying citizen needs is uncertainty when it comes to end-of-life choices.

As for those end-of-life choices, I think we should encourage the tribunal to issue their final decisions with as many options as possible to the prospective decedent. It’s always nice to think you have some say over your final fate even if all of the available choices lead to the same result. In this regard, we’re hoping to get group discount rates on everything from cyanide to handguns to help the public minimize the expense of judgment implementation.

So long as the panel hearing a particular case leaves it up to the individual coming before them to effect the panel’s final ruling, they can’t be faulted for just doing their job. I think we’ll only run into problems when overzealous tribunal members insist on carrying out the final decisions themselves.

Of course there will be difficult cases where applicants may not want to abide by the tribunal decision. Sadly, it may be necessary to assist certain reticent individuals to see the wisdom of the tribunal’s ruling.

As with other government functions, we think it would be wise to consider sub-contracting out the job in such cases to designated, pre-approved "death consultants." I understand that there is already a lengthy waiting list of eager applicants.

Finally, in order to achieve some much-needed "buy-in", we strongly recommend that the Chairperson’s position be paid at a significantly higher level and that a prominent American be appointed. We understand that Governor Palin is currently looking for work. If you could convince her to sign on, we think that could be a win-win-win situation for you, Ms. Palin and the American healthcare system.

Dr. Politics

A leaked transcript of a recent D. C.-area therapy session:

DR. POLITICS: Come on in, Mr. Party. Lie down and let’s begin.
G. O. PARTY: Sure, doc, and thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
DR. POLITICS: Not a problem. I always have time for my regular patients. However, I note that I haven’t seen you in over eight years? How have you been?
G. O. PARTY: Not so good. I was doing great for the longest time and then all of a sudden I just lost it.
DR. POLITICS: When you say "lost it", what exactly do you mean?
G. O. PARTY: I mean I lost a majority in the Senate, a majority in the House and the presidency. About all I’ve got left are a few governorships and Rush Limbaugh.
DR. POLITICS: Wow! You’ve certainly been through some rough times.
G. O. PARTY: Yeah, and it’s not looking any brighter doc. What am I going to do?
DR. POLITICS: Now as I recall, you went through a similar experience back in the nineties. Is that right? Maybe we can learn something from how you handled that depression.
G. O. PARTY: Yes I did but that was different. Back then, I sometimes had a House majority and, even though I didn’t have the presidency, I had ways of coping.
DR. POLITICS: Jog my memory, G. O. How did you cope back then?
G. O. PARTY: Well I just kept digging up dirt on the incumbent and calling him out on all his sexual improprieties. It was easy and, to tell you the truth, it was a lot of fun. But these days, that doesn’t work at all.
DR. POLITICS: How so?
G. O. PARTY: You see, doc, even though this new guy’s from Chicago, he’s clean as a whistle. I just can’t get any dirt on him. In fact, this time, it’s my friends who keep getting caught with their pants down. It’s downright depressing.
DR. POLITICS: Maybe it’s time to change tactics, G. O. Rather than trying to undermine the other side, perhaps you’d do better if you concentrated on yourself, came up with some new ideas and adopted a more positive attitude..
G. O. PARTY: That’s easy for you to say doc but, honestly, I haven’t had a new idea in years and I’m not sure I’ve got any to offer. How about "More war and less tax"?
DR. POLITICS: No, no, no. That’s not what I meant. Why not hold a policy convention and create a new platform? Or how about working with the other side to come up with some constructive compromises? You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel if you try to help others.
G. O. PARTY: I don’t know, doc. I really miss the Bush years. We got to do and say whatever we wanted to and we didn’t have to be nice to anyone. Why can’t things be like that again?
DR. POLITICS: I’m sorry but I see that our time is up. I suggest we book a series of appointments to work on your issues, G. O. Are you free for the next eight years?