Jon And Kate Really Grate

It used to be called The Learning Channel and featured educational fare. But now it’s just called TLC and it broadcasts a raft of shows primarily about giant families or little people but so far, thankfully, not both.

TLC’s current ratings leader is the show "Jon & Kate Plus Eight", an inside look at a couple raising twins and a set of sextuplets. While the show has had a solid audience for much of its run, it now outdraws many major network shows thanks to the recent breakdown of Jon and Kate’s marriage.

The latest news from last Monday’s episode is the long-anticipated divorce of the show’s stars. With promo teasers like "Jon and Kate Gosselin have an announcement", "A family in turmoil" and "A relationship at a crossroads", it was expected that more than ten million viewers would tune in to gawk at the latest development in this ongoing train wreck.

But what if the hype had been just that....hype? What if the expected announcement was not the end of the Gosselins’ fishbowl marriage? What if America’s new favorite couple had something else to announce? Something like:

* "The show’s writers (yes, we have writers) think it would be a great idea to have a whole special big family week on TLC," said Kate Gosselin. "Where we join forces with those crazy folks on ‘18 Kids and Counting’." "Yes, I’m really looking forward to it," said Jon. "What with our sardonic sniping at one another and their wacky religious nuttiness, I think the possibilities for fun times, or maybe even religious end times, are exciting."

* "We’d like to announce that we’re planning to expand our TV family next season," said Kate Gosselin. "Given all the troubles that Nadia Suleman, the Octomom, is having with her new octuplets, we thought we’d like to help out and adopt them, at least for the next season or two." "That’s right," said Jon Gosselin. "We figure we can only squeeze so many ratings points out of our marriage troubles and there’ll soon come a time when we need a new twist to keep our viewers interested. And we really like the title of the revamped show: ‘Jon & Kate Plus Eight Plus Eight’."

* "We feel we’ve done a lot for America by opening up our home to viewers from coast to coast," said Kate Gosselin. "But we’re finding that it’s just not as satisfying as it used to be." "I agree," said Jon. "And that’s why we’re planning to move the show to Israel next season. We figure that by showing everyone in the Middle East how the ten of us manage to get along we can bring some much needed peace and understanding to the region. But don’t look for us to build a settlement in the West Bank. Somehow I don’t think that would be very helpful."

* "Television history shows that one surefire way to exploit the success of a show," said Jon Gosselin. "Is to have a spinoff." "I couldn’t agree more," said Kate Gosselin. "And that’s why we’re looking at expanding the marriage breakup theme and debuting two new shows: ‘Jon Plus Four’ and ‘Kate Plus Four’. Or maybe we’ll piggyback on one of TLC’s other popular series and start our own birth control show called ‘What Not To Bear’."

Torture Or Not Torture?

In his latest effort to control the American political agenda, Dick Cheney recently announced that he’ll soon be hosting his own reality show. Tentatively titled "Torture or not torture?", the former Vice President’s TV offering is slated for a fall debut on the FOX network.

"I was getting frustrated with all the negative talk about torture," said Cheney. "So I decided that the only way to get my message across was through a prime time reality show."

Although plans have not yet been finalized, it seems that the weekly program will likely adopt a quiz show format. Contestants will be interrogated by ex-CIA members and will progress from one level to the next.

"We’re hoping to recruit contestants from Guantanamo Bay," said Mr. Cheney. And, if possible, from the Democratic caucus in the Senate. I really think those folks deserve a chance to play the game."

Leaked production notes suggest that the aim of the show will be to test contestants at various levels of interrogation to see if they will reveal a predetermined secret. And once a contestant "cracks", the home audience will be invited to vote by phone to give their opinion as to whether the revelation resulted from torture or legitimate Geneva Convention-approved methods.

"I can rant and rave all day about what’s torture and what’s not," said the former Vice President. "But it won’t mean a damn thing unless folks get a firsthand view of enhanced interrogation techniques in action."

Asked about just what kind of techniques would be used, Cheney was careful not to reveal too much. He did concede that some of the methods will include the use of water, electricity and canines but he refused to elaborate further.

"I could tell you more," joked Cheney. "But then, of course, I’d have to kill you."

Rumor has it that each round of questioning will involve increasing levels of horror-inducing interrogation and more and more frightening apparatuses. Some insiders have even suggested that Cheney wants to make use of the rack.

"That’s absolutely false," said Cheney. "The whole idea of the show is to illustrate to folks that important information can be elicited from prisoners without actually torturing them. I’m not saying we’ll never use the rack but you have my word that there will be absolutely no drawing and quartering or burying up to the neck in sand. Well, at least no drawing and quartering."

The show is slated to debut on September 11th and will run until America is once again finally safe from terrorism.

The Apocryphal Briefings

It turns out that top-secret intelligence briefings prepared by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld around the time of the March 20, 2003 U. S. invasion of Iraq had cover sheets with inspirational pro-war Bible quotes presumably designed to appeal to George W. Bush’s born-again Christian faith. What hasn’t been revealed until now, however, is that there were alternate briefings that didn’t get sent, briefings with potentially more useful quotes from the Bible and from some long-lost books of the Apocrypha.

February 6, 2003
"The one called Kolin shall gather all the nations and falsely urge their armies to join together and make war against Babylon." - Letter to the Grecians 8:4-5

February 20, 2003
"And the burning bush signified to them that a connection must be found between the evil one and the more evil one though they be mortal enemies." - 1 Esoch 16:7

March 10, 2003
"Be not afraid for the Sumerians possess weapons but not in mass numbers nor capable of great destruction." - The Book of Lot 3:21

March 13, 2003
"And they celebrated throughout the night with wine and mead and cakes of all description although none of the cakes glowed of yellow." - 2 Esoch 5:15

March 20, 2003
"The sky will rain down flaming weapons and the whole land will be a burning waste of oil and sulfur. The people will empty the cities and towns and museums of all their treasures." - The Book of Sarah 6:21-22

May 1, 2003
"The Lord spoke and said unto them: ‘Be merciful and show kindness to your enemies. Do not disarm them. And do not shame them with banners above your sailing ships proclaiming victory." - The Gospel according to Michael 3:8-9

November 30, 2005
"The time will surely come when everything in your palace and all that your fathers have stored up until this day will be carried off to Babylon. Nothing will be left, says the Lord." - 2 Kings 20:16-17

On Beyond Inflation

For years, the only thing consumers had to worry about was a little bit of inflation. But now all that has changed. As world economies rapidly decline, experts warn of stagflation (high inflation in the midst of sluggish growth and high unemployment) and even deflation (a decrease in prices and overall economic activity). But apparently that’s just the beginning as economists scramble to devise new economic terms to deal with ever-evolving modern financial complexities:

anteflation
The economic rule in place 20,000 years ago. No one cared or even knew about inflation since the primary concern was basic food and shelter.

autoflation
Autoflation occurs when the repeated buying, selling and transferring of personal investment holdings results in ever-increasing losses. The term can also be applied to any attempts by car company executives to extract money from government.

antiflation
Unlike deflation where prices go down, antiflation combines the worst of all economic worlds. Prices go down but costs go up and growth remains stagnant.

biflation
The vast majority of economists are either proponents of inflation or deflation. Some, however, choose to swing both ways and are said to be biflationary.

circumflation
In today’s global economy, transflation (see below) can travel from one country to another at great speeds. Circumflation is the tendency for an inflationary trend to circle the globe.

conflation
Conflation comprises the inflationary pressures suffered due to the illegal activity of unindicted bank executives. Ironically, rather than receiving prison time, the perpetrators of this phenomenon instead receive seven or eight-figure salaries.

disflation
Politicians, especially those in power, have a tendency to minimize or discount economic downturns. Some go so far as to deny the existence of inflation. This pollyannaish, glass-half-full view of dire times is called disflation.

exflation
Used to describe the dystopian, post-apocalyptic world where no one cares about inflation. When all commerce is barter, the economy is said to be exflationary. Similar to anteflation.

neoflation
A vague term used by economists to describe any anomalous financial glitch yet to be experienced. For example, if an economy simultaneously experiences inflation, deflation and stagflation, it’s easier to just call it neoflation.

polyflation
Most economists believe in one inflation at a time. But a few prefer to be wedded to multiple economic inflationary trends. These scholars are called polyflationists and are most commonly found among the business school faculty of Brigham Young University.

proflation
Most economists are extremely cautious about inflation. A few, however, actively support all inflationary trends. These academic renegades are known as proflationists.

reflation
Reflation is a personal financial indicator. It’s the increase in value of individual investment holdings that occurs immediately after they’ve been sold following years of losses.

subflation
Certain segments of society remain unaffected by everyday economic fluctuations. Instead, they suffer from something called subflation or the complete absence of goods and services. These people are sometimes also identified as the poor and the homeless.

superflation
Hyperflation is a very high level of inflation such as that experienced in Germany in the 1920s or in Zimbabwe today. Superflation is a very high level of hyperflation and is marked by the use of paper currency for wallpaper, memo pads and toilet tissue.

transflation
Just like viral illnesses, inflation can be transmitted from country to country. Transflation. occurs when a national inflationary cycle jumps to a neighboring country thereby pushing its inflation rate even higher.

unflation
This is the decidedly unsettling state where nothing moves. No increases, no decreases, no ups, no downs and no excitement. Unflation is economic anomie.

The Chevy Tomorrow

Struggling automobile manufacturers are desperately trying to come up with new cars to save themselves from economic extinction. If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, the question becomes what will today’s failing auto industry produce to meet our perceived needs? Check out these upcoming models for 2011:

The Chevy Tomorrow
It’s tomorrow’s car today - the brand new Chevy Tomorrow. Borrowing from the historically successful Camarro, the Tomorrow is a high-performance sports car. But it’s also an environmentally-friendly hybrid vehicle that combines a gasoline-powered internal combustion engine with a solar-assisted turbine. On sunny days, you’ll be able to motor for hours with fuel efficiency in the 70 m.p.g. range. Not intended for sale in Seattle, Boston or most of Canada.

The Chrysler Micro-van
A worthy successor to the popular minivan, the Chrysler Micro-van combines the roominess of a subcompact car with the flexibility of a small pickup truck. This tiny vehicle features a one-driver cab with a flatbed able to carry up to six children strapped in to a standing position. Perfect for those short daily trips to school, home and soccer practise. Comes with an optional flat screen TV to keep the young ones in the back from questioning their immobile positioning.

The Ford Potemkim
Just because the economy has tanked is no reason to deny people the luxury cars they desire. Maybe few people can now fork out 60 or 70K for a fancy car. But lots of folks will be able to cough up 8 or 10 thousand for a brand new Ford Potemkin. The Potemkin features the latest in aerodynamic styling and interior luxuries. What it lacks in the way of an engine and a transmission, it more than makes up for in appearance. Not for driving, the Potemkin is the driveway car that tells the neighbors that you’ve still got it.

The Dodge Non-Charger Electric
Forget about the restrictions of plug-in car batteries and the limited mileage between charge-ups. The Dodge Non-Charger Electric gives you the freedom of a gasoline engine without the gas. That’s because it runs on a sixteen-pack of double-A batteries. That’s right; just plug in the pack and away you go. After that, it’s as simple as one-two-three. Remove the pack, toss it out the window and plug in a new pack. And with 35 cubic feet in the back seat and another 23 cubic feet of storage space in the trunk, it’ll be days before you have to replace your battery supply.

The Buick Bitumen
Oil supplies are dwindling. So what’s a consumer to do? Look to America’s most plentiful source of power: coal. And now you can be the first in your neighborhood to drive a vehicle powered by nothing but coal. The Buick Bitumen features a steam engine fired by a modern, clean-coal-burning furnace. So long as you’ve got a passenger and a shovel, you’ll be waving goodbye to gas stations in your continuous search for that elusive next coal station.

The Lada Chernobyl
Looking to leapfrog the western automotive industry, the Russian government has underwritten Lada’s new entry into the modern motoring era: the Chernobyl. It’s the world’s first commercially viable, nuclear-powered family sedan. Using the same safe and reliable technology that powered the Soviet Union’s nuclear reactors and submarines for decades, Lada has produced a car that will run for as long as you need on just one fill up. Once Lada has ironed out the bugs in its internal child radiation shields and its spent nuclear fuel rods disposal program, it’s hoping to help the entire world "Go nuclear!"

Marx My Words

In a surprising press release, the American Association of Cultural Paleontologists today announced that it has identified dozens of thriving Marxists in educational institutions on both coasts. Thought to be extinct, it turns out that these longsuffering academics were still present in small groups and were simply dormant.

It appears that the once abundant Marxists went into deep decline around about the time of the Reagan era. With the beginning of the new millennium, they seemed destined to disappear altogether. As the engine of capitalism operated at full throttle, the remaining Marxists one by one dropped off the academic radar.

As late as 2005, there were still sporadic reports of the occasional Marxist being spotted at a regional community college or a Manhattan book reading. Some researchers even claimed to have seen the odd aging Marxist lecturing at an Ivy League school but those reports were never confirmed.

Despite being placed on AACP’s endangered species list, the disappearance of Marxists seemed to progress at a geometric pace. Given the general decline of all things left and liberal, it was not unexpected that the Marxist would soon go the way of the dodo, the Great Auk and the Maoist.

"We had all but given up on ever finding a surviving Marxist," said AACP President Fred Engels. "Without an economic recession to feed on or groups of supportive, ego-stroking students to fill their classes, it seemed highly unlikely that any would still have been around."

Well, it turns out that Engels and his lot were wrong. With the advent of the current world economic crisis, cultural paleontologists on both coasts started receiving odd reports about errant professors and lecturers referencing phrases like "the means of production", "the material dialectic" and "the enlightened proletariat."

"Once these reports started trickling in," said Engels. "We started to get our hopes up that the Marxists were not extinct but were still alive on both the east and west coasts and even in select pockets in the American mid-west."

The wishes of Engels and his colleagues have been realized beyond their wildest dreams. Not only is the Marxist not extinct, it turns out that there are dozens of small herds or communities of them in a number of institutions of higher learning.

"What we hadn’t considered," said Engels. "Was that the Marxists - rather than die off - could temporarily change their stripes and survive using only their wits and tenure."

It turns out that, once under threat, the Marxists adopted a very low profile. Chameleon-like, those who survived changed their outer protective covering and appeared to most outside observers as harmless philosophers, socialists or liberals.

"Our mistake was to extrapolate from the evidential record," said Engels. "And assume that just because researchers could no longer find a single academic paper produced by a Marxist that they were no longer extant."

Now that their surrounding environment has become more nurturing, many of the surviving Marxists have begun to thrive. Marxist papers, theses and even op-ed pieces have started to occasionally appear in different locations and some observers are, much to their surprise, reporting the return of Marxist courses and texts. A sure sign of the Marxist’s return to health is their renewed mating cry of "Revolution now! Death to capitalism! Revolution now!"

"It’s truly a zoological miracle," said Engels. "Who would have thought that we would see Marxists not only surviving but potentially repopulating their herds to historical levels?"

"But we must not be sanguine about the future fate of the Marxist," Engels continued. "Even the slightest economic recovery or open, democratic discussion could threaten their continued existence. That’s why we’re proposing setting up protective havens like the one started at Berkeley to ensure that the elimination of Marxists is never again a possibility."

There Might Not Always Be An England

U. S. President Barack Obama has shocked the British Empire from Carlisle to Canterbury by announcing that there might not always be an England.

The proclamation by America’s new president came at the end of yesterday’s press conference and was initially missed by all of the reporters in attendance.

"Frankly, I didn’t really notice," said longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas. "There were so many more important announcements that this one basically fell through the cracks."

In fact, a full twenty-four hours passed before Obama’s statement was spotted on CNN by an 82-year old pensioner in Clotted-cream-sur-la-mer. Once the news was relayed to Prime Minister Gordon Brown, he immediately telephoned President Obama and demanded an explanation.

Obama told Brown that, as far as he knew, England was on the verge of being subsumed within the European Union and was slated to be renamed Monarchyland to better reflect its primary industry as a quaint tourist destination.

Brown conceded that Obama was correct but still registered his annoyance at having his country’s impotence publicly broadcast.

"It’s one thing to say that England is on the downslope," said the PM. "But there was really no need to say that there might not always be an England. That’s just bloody rude."

Obama reportedly apologized and corrected himself by issuing a White House press release stating that there’ll always be an England so long as there are British upper class twits who take offense at the obvious.

The Trouble With Trillions

Now that President Obama has unveiled his $3.5 trillion budget, it’s time for Americans to come to terms with this staggering number. After all, if we are to experience trillion dollar deficits for years to come, it behooves us to master the new math.

Now a million is pretty easy. It’s "1" followed by six zeros, a number that is big but easily understandable. Athletes and movie stars make millions of dollars a year and many houses are now worth more than that.

A billion is a little more difficult to comprehend but still within the realm of human comprehension. It’s a thousand millions or "1" followed by nine zeros. It’s really big but still on the outer fringes of our understanding. It’s a thousand monster homes, a hundred star athletes’ salaries or a minor government spending initiative.

A trillion, on the other hand, is beyond our everyday experience. A "1" with twelve zeros? What exactly does that mean? Someone could tell you that it’s 1012 but does that really help?

If you started counting one a second, it would take you 31,546 years to get to a trillion. If you had to eat or sleep, of course, it would take you even longer. And if you tried to say each number in full, you’d probably never finish.

So how are we going to be able to wrap our heads around this mathematical puzzle? If trillions are here to stay, it’s time we finally tried to get a handle on them.

It’s one thing to say that the U. S. federal budget is $3.5 trillion. It’s quite another thing to understand how much that really is. Remember, even Carl Sagan only claimed billions and billions of stars in a galaxy, not trillions.

One approach would be to break a trillion down into smaller, understandable units. For example, one trillion equals about 4,000 Alex Rodriguezs or 400 Oprahs. Or it’s roughly twenty Bill Gates or ten Warren Buffets. Or it’s the GDP of Mexico, India or Australia.

That way, President Obama could speak to us in a language we could all understand. Instead of announcing a two trillion dollar deficit next year, he could say that we’ll be down about forty Bill Gates, two South Koreas or a million General Motors. That’s not entirely satisfactory but it does at least give us a vague idea of where we’re heading.

As for Obama, he’s got his own numerical problems. At the rate things are going, he may soon no longer be speaking in trillions. Instead he may have to start using quadrillions or, heaven forbid, even quintillions.

To avoid a national nervous breakdown, I suggest that the President just quietly change his counting method to the old British system. That’s where a billion is a million million or what we call a trillion.

Thus, Obama could talk about a deficit in the billions of dollar and we’d never know how bad things really were. Unless, of course, he starts calling them billiards which might clue some of us into the fact that he’s using a different system. Either that or he’s doing his budgetary calculations on The White House pool table.

Torture If Necessary

In another example of Barack Obama’s Midas touch, it appears that an auspicious confluence of events may help him out of several jams at once. Although not yet official, a leaked report from The White House suggests a neat solution to the apparently disparate problems of torture, Dick Cheney and the financial crisis.

Saddled with these different problems by the Bush administration, Obama has found himself treading a fine line on these issues. Should he condemn torture outright and, if so, prosecute those who ordered and engaged in it? At the same time, what is he to do with those financial executives who brought down the economy with their selfish and irresponsible behavior? And finally, what the heck should he do with Dick Cheney?

The report proposes a simple answer to all these questions, namely redefine torture and don’t close the prison at Guantanamo Bay quite yet. A senior White House official agreed to comment off the record.

"As far as I understand it," said the anonymous source. "We’re going to restate our position that we in America don’t torture, at least when it comes to foreign combatants. We will, however, make limited exceptions for those who previously authorized torture and those who have screwed with our economy."

In furtherance of this goal, the Administration plans to keep the Guantanamo facility open just a little longer in order to accommodate two new classes of detainee, namely financial wrongdoers and Dick Cheney. As part of the ongoing attempts to right the economy, torture will be permitted insofar as it is necessary to determine how to unravel toxic assets and to get guys like Bernie Madoff to say ‘I’m sorry.’

As for Dick Cheney, no special regulations will be required as Mr. Cheney has consistently agreed that waterboarding and the like do not constitute torture. Thus, he should have no objection to various intensive interrogation techniques. These will not be employed for any information gathering purposes but simply for the enjoyment of the American public.

"We see this as a win-win-win situation," said the White House source. "We don’t have to mothball Guantanamo, we can finally understand how mortgage derivatives work and we get to hear Dick Cheney scream."

As a final cherry on the bureaucratic cake, the as-yet-unreleased report suggests another possible advantage to the nascent proposal. If the Administration can soon officially restore relations with Cuba, once Guantanamo has served its purpose, it can be returned to the Cuban government complete with its new prisoners.

No word yet on whether American auto executives and former U. S. presidents will be packing their bags soon for an unexpected Caribbean vacation.

Judge Not

President Obama is faced with a tough decision in choosing a replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter. On the one hand, he wants to avoid a partisan battle in the Senate. On the other hand, he needs to please his liberal base.

Perhaps it’s time the President started to think outside the box and considered one of these fine candidates:

Martha Stewart
If Mr. Obama is looking for another female to sit on the bench, he could do worse than pick this doyenne of domesticity. Known as a stickler for detail, Ms. Stewart is a strict constructionist in some regards but remains very liberal when it comes to matters financial. And her hands-on experience with America’s financial and penal systems gives her a leg up on many other candidates. As Martha herself might say of her potential candidacy: "It’s a good thing."

Michael Jackson
At first blush, the choice of The Gloved One as the next Supreme Court justice might seem unusual. But if President Obama is looking to show solidarity with both his Caucasian and African-American constituencies, Mr. Jackson could be the perfect choice. The self-styled King of Pop not only has extensive trial experience, he is also a big believer in "original intent" and is reportedly looking for a career change.

Tom Cruise
Given the wide variety of views held by Mr. Cruise, his appointment could serve to satisfy all philosophical camps. Libertarians should be pleased with his positions on psychiatry and the media while traditional conservatives should feel at home with his take on the origins of life. And liberal leaning members of the Senate Judiciary Committee will undoubtedly be thrilled to welcome a Hollywood mega-star to their hearings, even if he’s not Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie.

Simon Cowell
If the musical Brit takes out American citizenship, he could be a surefire addition to the top court. Whereas some current justices tend to sugarcoat their judgments, Mr. Cowell pulls no punches and tells it like it is 24/7. At the very least, his musical opinions would likely bring a quick end to Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s atrocious piano recitals and Antonin Scalia’s annoying whistling from the bench.

Judge Judy
Who better to fill the shoes of the low-key Souter than a tough-minded, straight-shooting female jurist like Judge Judy? Known for her no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners approach to the law, she’s sure to please liberals and conservatives alike. With her bare bones, no-precedent citing, summary judgment style, Judge Judy may be the breath of judicial fresh air the Court desperately needs.

American Inquisition

Pressure mounted on President Obama on Monday for more thorough investigation into harsh interrogations of terrorism suspects under the Bush Administration.....
- N. Y. Times - April 21, 2009

.....[Simon Cowell] was considering leaving his judging job on "Idol" after one more season.
- N. Y. Times - April 21, 2009

May 31, 2011

RYAN SEACREST: Welcome back to the final episode of the first season of "American Inquisition", the show where you the viewers get to decide who will be punished for allegations of torture. As you know, earlier this year, we travelled the country from Wyoming to Texas to Washington to audition contestants for the show. We found lots of great candidates for the title of America’s Top Torturer and, after eight weeks of competition, we’ve narrowed the field down to three finalists. Each of the remaining contestants will be given a final chance to explain their actions, our judging panel will give you their thoughts and then America will get to vote. Once again, our panel consists of Dr. Winston Salem, professor of constitutional law at the Manhattan Correspondence School of Law; Vitam Neeram, special United Nations envoy for the Geneva Conventions and, of course, the creator and producer of "American Inquisition", Simon Cowell.

SIMON COWELL: Thank you, Ryan. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s been a great first season and I couldn’t be happier with our final three contestants. When Barack Obama approached me to create this show, I was sceptical at first that we would be able to find enough talented individuals in America to face up to charges of torture. But, as you now know, we had no shortage of candidates and I think that tonight we’re seeing the cream of the crop.

RYAN SEACREST: So let’s not delay any further. Our first finalist is George from Dallas, Texas. Last week, George received more votes than any other contestant including several Justice Department lawyers and a former Secretary of Defense. George, I understand you’ll be performing an exculpatory piece first made famous by the late, great Ronald Reagan called "I Don’t Remember." Whenever you’re ready.

GEORGE: I don’t remember.

RYAN SEACREST: Judges?

SIMON COWELL: I knew when you came out on that stage tonight that we were going to hear something extraordinary. And you didn’t disappoint. George, you are a little tiger.

RYAN SEACREST: Next up is Dick from Cheyenne, Wyoming. It says here you’ll be performing "Torture yes, but look at the results we got." Dick, go ahead.

DICK: I don’t know why the hell I’m still here. I told that s.o.b. Obama not to release those memos but he didn’t listen to me. And now I’ve got to put up with this nonsense again. Anyway, maybe it’s torture and maybe it’s not. Does it really matter? Look at the results we got. Check out these classified memos detailing all the juicy info we got from those guys. How many terrorist attacks have there been in America since 9/11? That’s right - none. I rest my case.

RYAN SEACREST: Let’s turn it over to our judges. Simon?

SIMON COWELL: That was brilliant, Dick. Not only did you do a bang up job on your selected excuse, you also managed to throw in the "no more attacks" rationalization. You can’t disprove a negative and I think you may have just bought yourself immunity.

RYAN SEACREST: Finally, please welcome back the third of our three finalists, Alberto from Washington, D. C. who’ll be performing the same piece he did at his audition - "Waterboarding is not torture." Let’s hear it, Alberto.

ALBERTO: Waterboarding is not torture. How can it be? There are no physical bruises and no scars. Look, we even waterboarded those two guys 266 times. How can it possibly be torture if they’re still alive after that many times?

RYAN SEACREST: Judges, what do you think of Alberto’s performance?

SIMON COWELL: Alberto, that was simply horrible. In fact, about the only thing worse you could have come up with would have been "I was just following orders." I think you’ve hung yourself out to dry, in a manner of speaking."

RYAN SEACREST: There you have it, America. Our three finalists have offered up their excuses and now it’s time for you to vote. The 1-800 lines will be open right after the show. Vote for who you think should be America’s Top Torturer. Next week we’ll announce the winner and his punishment. But don’t worry. According to our lawyers, whatever the punishment is, it will not be torture.

John McCain, the first hundred days

January 20
Watch on TV as that young punk Obama gets sworn in. They call me senile but he can’t even get the oath right. Throw my glass of Metamucil at the screen.

January 26
Al Gore called again wanting to commiserate over election loss. Boy, I sure hope I’m not that bitter eight years from now. Ask Cindy to order caller ID for our phone.

February 14
Place a call to Sarah Palin to wish her Happy Valentine’s Day. Figure that’s the least I can do for all her hard work on my campaign. Get recorded message asking for donations for Palin for President in 2012 and saying that the next Republican campaign will be run right. Bitch.

February 23
Cindy issues ultimatum: either I stop moping around the house in bathrobe all day or she’ll cut off my weekly allowance. Her words hit me like a cold splash of water. Stop watching C-SPAN in hopes of finding ongoing election recounts.

March 13
John Kerry calls to provide emotional support but instead gives thirty-minute monologue on why he should have won in 2004. Afterwards, give Cindy hell for not ordering caller ID yet.

March 23
Bored silly. To pass time, make prank call to Queen Elizabeth and ask if she’s got Prince Charles in a can. When she replies curtly "Who is this?", I tell her she better let him out and quickly hang up. Consider calling back and asking for Harry Butz.

March 30
Return home to find message from President Obama on my voicemail asking for my support in getting passage of his legislative agenda. Feel energized and ready to dive into the political fray once more until I hear the message ending with: "Thank you, Joe; I know I can always count on your support."

April 1
Cindy brings me my morning copy of The Washington Post. Delighted to see front page story suggesting two-thirds of voters would now choose me over Obama. About to call RNC headquarters to explore possible 2012 run when Cindy yells: "April Fool’s!" and informs me she downloaded mock front page from the Internet. We share a laugh and I retire to my room to cry.

April 10
Thank God for caller ID. George Bush called but no way I was going to talk to that bozo. He left a message inviting me to Dallas and saying he hoped there were no hard feelings. Idiot.

April 20
Days turn into weeks; weeks turn into months. Cindy shows me how to access e-mail and "surf the Web" but I’m already tired of visiting the AARP site. On the bright side, I seem to be catching on to Minesweeper and Bookworm.

April 30
Start phoning potential 2012 presidential candidates to see if they’d like my advice and support. No one answers. Cindy says everyone has caller ID these days. Darn.

Advice From Barney

MEMO

TO: Bo, the Portuguese Water Dog
The First Puppy

FROM: Barney, the Scottish Terrier
Former First Dog

Congratulations, kid, on your selection as the First Pup. Well done. I think you’re going to enjoy your four-year stint in The White House. Who knows? It might even be an eight-year stay. Believe me; if my boss can get reelected, anyone can!

First things first. Don’t let them stick you in the basement. It’s cold down there and not at all comfortable. Remember, you’re the First Dog. So check out the whole building and find a spot that YOU like. Might I recommend either the Green Room or the Lincoln Bedroom. Just don’t pee on the carpet. That really seems to tick everybody off.

Now you’re going to have a lot of humans trying to lead you around and tell you what to do. But unless it’s the President or the First Lady giving you orders, you can pretty much tell them to take a hike. If any of those Secret Service guys get a little too pushy, a bite or two on the ankle will let them know who’s boss, if you get my drift.

I’m sure your nose has already helped you discover where the White House kitchen is. If you’re like me, you’ll be spending a lot of time there begging for scraps. Thanks to all the banquets they have, the pickings are prime. One small word of advice. If they’re entertaining the Premier of China or the Prime Minister of South Korea, best to make yourself scarce unless you want to end up on the menu.

I see you’re going to belong to the president’s daughters Malia and Sasha. It’s great to have kids to play with and all. But if you really want to secure your place in the White House hierarchy, best to spend some time in the Oval Office with the president. After all, he’s the alpha male and if you’re in tight with him, you’ll be on easy street.

When I was First Dog, I always found that the big boss appreciated it if I did some of his dirty work for him. Like the time that French president came to visit and I peed on his leg. My owner shook his finger at me and said "Bad dog!" over and over. But we both knew that was just an act. After the French guy left, I got sirloin steak every day for the next two weeks.

One word of caution. That football-shaped thing that the president is always carting around with him? Well, it’s not really a football. Don’t make the mistake I made and go running off with it thinking your owner wants to play catch. I’m not sure what’s inside that thing but the bullet scar on my left ear still reminds me that it’s not worth finding out. Trust me, kid, stick to playing with a frisbee.

So here’s hoping you have a great time in The White House. It really is a lot of fun. One final word of advice. Steer clear of the Vice President’s office unless that scary guy Cheney is gone.

(for more Portuguese Water Dog-related humor, check out www.livingwithoreo.blogspot.com)

Ronnie Reagan Redux

Harry Stonebraker was re-elected mayor of the small northeastern Missouri town of Winfield on Tuesday - about a month after his death....."I figured he'd win because he seemed to get even more popular after he died, just like Carnahan," [Lincoln County Clerk Elaine] Luck said.

- Associated Press - April 7. 2009

MEMO

TO: All Republican Party members

FROM: Michael Steele
Chairman
Republican National Committee

RE: Next presidential candidate

I’m sure everyone knows that Missouri is the "Show-Me" state. And I don’t think we’re going to need a third example from Missourians to educate us about the future of the Republican Party.

As you’ll probably recall, Missouri Democrat Mel Carnahan won the 2000 Senate race despite having died in a plane crash weeks before the election. Now Missouri Mayor Harry Stonebraker has pulled off the same spectacular feat albeit at a somewhat lower electoral level.

Nevertheless, I think the good people of Missouri are trying to tell us something, namely that if you’ve got a popular incumbent, don’t let something as trivial as death get in the way of a surefire electoral win. The message is clear: popularity trumps viability.

Given our party’s current moribund condition, I think it behooves us to start thinking outside the box or, in this particular case, perhaps inside the box. Let’s face it; we’ve got a pretty weak lineup of potential candidates for The White House in 2012. Even with the economy tanking and two wars still raging, I don’t think we’re going to get too far with a nominee like Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal or Rush Limbaugh.

Now some of you are probably saying to yourselves: "Michael’s right; let’s get George W. Bush to run again." Right idea; wrong guy. Despite being out of office almost three months, he’s still about as popular as ants at a picnic.

But you know which Republican still is popular? Ronald Reagan, that’s who. Yes, I know he’s dead. But Missouri has shown us that death is not necessarily a game stopper when it comes to elections.

So let’s give this proposal some serious consideration. After all, what have we got to lose? Let’s look at the advantages of a Reagan candidacy in 2012.

We can do away with a lengthy and expensive primary campaign. We won’t have to worry about dividing the party. Heck, we may even be able to use all those old campaign posters and buttons from the 1980s, especially if George Bush, Sr. agrees to be the Vice Presidential candidate again.

Frankly, I don’t see a downside to this proposal. Thanks to Reagan’s deceased status, we don’t have to fret about such things as the candidate’s personal appearance. Nor do we have to be concerned about a platform, debate preparation or campaign screw-ups. That’s one thing about the dead; they seldom misspeak.

I’m sure some of you are worried that this plan could easily be derailed by the 22nd Amendment that limits a sitting president to two terms. Not to worry. I’ve had our lawyers check into this and, according to them, it only applies to living individuals.

So, what do you say? Let’s bring back the Gipper. Not literally, of course. But I guarantee you if we put him back on the ballot, it’ll be morning in America once again.

Abraham Obama

It seems that those who tried to draw parallels between Barack Obama and Abraham Lincoln may have got their wish. Both were Illinois politicians who won the presidency. Both took office in the midst of a huge national crisis. And Obama even used Lincoln’s Bible when taking the oath of office.

But now the comparisons may be complete with the latest news out of West Palm Beach, Florida. It turns out that the much-used "red state-blue state" national divide was more than just a handy political metaphor. Right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh has apparently led a revolt that has launched America’s second civil war.

Calling on all red states to join the new Confederacy of Conservative States of America, Limbaugh pointed to recent decisions by Barack Obama that have irremediably divided the nation. Blaming the ills of America on the socialist maneuverings of the Democrats, the rotund conservative urged all "right-thinking" and "right-leaning" Americans to join the CCSA.

"I simply can no longer abide the liberal nonsense coming out of places like Los Angeles and New York," said Limbaugh. "If those east coast and west coast crazies want to destroy the nation, they’re not going to take us down with them."

Within days, red states from Montana to Georgia declared their independence and quickly joined the new confederacy. Just about every state from the Rockies to the Gulf of Mexico has joined up and others are threatening to do likewise.

President Obama has placed National Guard troops on alert all along the red state-blue state border which has quickly become known as the Olbermann-Hannity Line. As most of America’s arsenal is owned by breakaway conservatives, The White House is reportedly under siege and could fall into rebel hands at any time.

The United States is quickly becoming unravelled. Those few remaining liberals in states like Texas and South Carolina are fleeing for northern destinations. Likewise, the handful of conservative residents of states such as Oregon and Massachusetts are already on the highways headed for points south.

President Obama addressed what is left of the United States and urged citizens to remain calm. "A house divided against itself cannot stand," said Obama. "And those conservatives are just downright crazy."

"Who you calling crazy?" said an incensed CCSA President Limbaugh. "Those Yankee liberals are going to destroy what’s left of America. Real Americans will join with us to create a new land of freedom, opportunity and opportunistic freedom."

As sporadic fighting broke out along the Ohio River and the Minnesota-North Dakota border, it became clear that a full-blown civil war was imminent.

"Well, it’s not the worst thing that could happen," said President Obama. "At least now no one will be bitching about Iraq and the economy."

Bjork Bails Out Iceland

Noted Icelandic warbler Björk has now become famous for something more than her singing after bailing out her homeland. Having become the world’s first nation to effectively declare bankruptcy, Iceland now can thank their most famous citizen for saving it from complete annihilation.

"We are eternally grateful to Björk for saving our herring, so to speak," said recently appointed lesbian Prime Minister Johanna Sigurdardottir. "I don’t know where we’d be without her."
For her part, the once-be-swanned crooner said she was happy to help her native land escape what appeared to be a trustee sale to the highest international bidder.

"I love my country too much to allow it to fall into foreign hands," said the plaintive songstress. "Especially after I heard that Donald Trump had put in a bid."

The isolated island nation previously known only for fish and geothermal heating had enjoyed a five-year ride as a high-risk player in the field of international finance. But all that success came crashing down in the wake of the current world recession.

Former President Olafur Ragnar Grímsson stated that there was plenty of blame to go around for Iceland’s spectacular failure.

"I think part of it had to do with bad timing and irrational exuberance," said Grímsson. "But you can’t discount the fact that maybe herring fisherman becoming bankers might have played a part."

Whatever the reason, Iceland is now surprisingly poised to make a comeback. thanks to the generosity of Björk.

"I would have liked to have helped," said Iceland’s first billionaire Björgólfur Thor Björgólfsson. "But my money went the way of the dodo. So I’m glad that Björk was able to step in."

Former editor Gunnar Smári Egilsson and history professor Gudmunder Hálfdánarson agree that Björk’s bailout was a Hail Mary move that saved the day.

"She’s a saint," said Egilsson. "That’s right," concurred Hálfdánarson. "Let’s face it; she was our last fungible resource."

Given Björk’s amazing resurrection of Iceland, President Barack Obama has made some tentative enquiries to see if the Nordic warbler could work her magic on the United States.

"I’m sure she’d love to help if she could," said grocery store magnate Jön Asgeir Jóhannesson. "But as far as I know, she can only work miracles for people with normal names that have at least three S’s, two accents and one umlaut."

No word yet on whether Björk will be able to bail out Denmark, Russia or Turkey.

Secretary O

In a surprising turn of events, President Obama today announced the expansion of his Cabinet to include a whole new raft of Secretary-level appointments.

First up was the appointment of Al Gore to the new position of King of Global Warming and Gaseous Emissions. "I just thought he was the right man for the job," said Obama. "After all, who better than Al to talk about hot air?"

Also new to the Cabinet table is Dick Cheney who will become America’s first Lord of the Dark Side. "I don’t know about you," said the President. "But when it comes to deceit, torture and the dark arts, I want the best and Dick is definitely at the top of his game."

On the financial side, Obama has reinstated Alan Greenspan to a position of importance. "He’s going to be our new Baron of Bankruptcy," said the President. "Next to Ayn Rand and Ronald Reagan, he’s most responsible for the economic mess we’re in so he oughta know how to get us out of it, right?"

To help in the diplomatic sphere, the President has tapped Bill Clinton for the position of Ambassador-at-Large. "Who better than Bill to take on whatever international crisis is at hand?" said Obama. "Plus, when it comes to Ambassador-at-Large, he fits the bill and then some."

Surprisingly, former GM CEO Rick "Station" Wagoner has been anointed American’s first Car Czar. "I know some of you are surprised at my choice," said President Obama. "But, again, who better to help us learn from our mistakes than the guy who made more of them than anyone else? Plus, after the lucrative buyout he received when I made him walk the plank, he’s willing to work for a dollar a year plus free use of a Toyota Prius."

Finally, President Obama found a position for America’s most powerful woman - Oprah Winfrey. "The electronic media are arguably the most important resources in America today," said Obama. "And daytime television is clearly suffering the most. So I’ve appointed Ms. Winfrey as the Queen of Daytime Television to help restore the glory of quiz shows, soaps and talk shows that once made America the envy of the midday televised world."

The Terrorists Lose

Stephen Harper today proudly announced that the War on Terror is officially over and that the terrorists have lost. The Canadian prime minister noted that recent events in Canada have definitively closed this chapter in world history.

"Think back to before 9/11," said Mr. Harper. "What were our biggest concerns? That’s right; Paris Hilton’s home video and Congressman Gary Condit’s dalliance with murdered intern Chandra Levy."

Since then, however, Canadians, Americans and Europeans have been obsessed with Osama bin Laden and international terrorism. What was once important to western culture seemed to have been lost in the midst of an ongoing clash of civilizations.

"If there was any doubt that things have changed," said the prime minister. "Two recent incidents have confirmed that it’s time to declare ‘Mission Accomplished’ and get on with what we do best."

Mr. Harper went on to detail those recent incidents which have restored western culture to its rightful place in the world.

"I think there can be little doubt that the media’s obsession with Billy Bob Thornton’s interview with Gian Ghomeshi on CBC Radio is a healthy sign that international terrorism is of little concern anymore," said Harper. "And, if there was any doubt, the extensive coverage of Britney Spears’s mediocre concert performance in Vancouver clearly makes the case."

Noting that both of these events took place in Canada, the prime minister was quick to acknowledge his country’s leading role in ending the War on Terror.

"Some people have criticized us for not pulling our weight in this conflict," said Harper. "But I think these recent events will silence those critics. Canada has clearly provided a welcoming milieu to rekindle the media’s obsession with celebrity, an obsession that underscores our great victory."

When asked to comment on Prime Minster Harper’s announcement, U. S. President Barack Obama was reluctant to declare an end to hostilities in the War on Terror. He did, however, acknowledge that the recent happenings on Canadian soil may well signal the end of what he called the Overseas Contingency Operation.

Obama Outs Himself

In a surprise move, President Obama publicly announced that he is a liberal. Apparently he had known for a long time about his true political orientation but chose to hide it from everyone including his own family.

"Yes, I am a liberal," said Obama. "I know this may come as a shock to many people but I felt that it was time to be true to myself and finally come out of the closet."

The newly elected president admitted that he had known for many years that he was a liberal.
"Even when I was a young boy," said Obama. "I knew I wasn’t like most of my friends. While they all seemed quite happy with the status quo, I often got strange stirrings whenever I engaged in so-called progressive discussions or read the editorial page of The N. Y. Times."

Some observers say that Obama’s coming out was not unexpected given the historical signs. Although he always professed to be a moderate and sometimes even a fiscal conservative, it was clear to close friends that he had an affinity for left-of-center politics. Former school chum Marty Flickstein wasn’t surprised by the President’s recent revelation.

"We all knew Barry was a little different," said Flickstein. "We’d all be stealing copies of our dads’ Playboys and he’d be filching back issues of The New Republic. He said it was just to look at the pictures but we all knew he was actually reading the articles."

Back in the eighties, Obama was known to frequent so-called "liberal" clubs where regulars could talk about Keynsian economics and huge government social spending without fear of exposure.

"It wasn’t easy being a liberal during the Reagan years," said a longtime free-thinking comrade of Obama’s. "Just saying the word could destroy any electoral hopes you might have had. We all knew Barry wanted to be mainstream and hold an actual elected office but if his taste for things liberal had ever gotten out, his political career would have been finished."

During the nineties, Obama chose to keep his liberalism a secret from almost everyone, including his wife Michelle.

"I’m ashamed to admit it," said America’s 44th president. "But I didn’t even tell the person closest to me that I had these strange yearnings. I guess she always suspected when she found all those Galbraith books in the basement but she never confronted me with them."

Now that Obama is out of the closet, it appears that he is going to let his true political colors show.

"I feel so free," said the President. "I can finally be my true self and act in accordance with my real political feelings."

Asked how this will affect his governance of the country, Obama said that he didn’t think it would make that much of a difference.

"After all," said the President. "I’m not one of those leather bar, tax-and-spend liberals. I’m just a regular guy who happens to like social programs. One thing I will do, however, is implement a new policy for my cabinet regarding individual political orientations, something I call: ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’."

I'm In No Rush

In a recent L. A. Times op-ed piece, Andrew Klavan challenged me to actually listen to Rush Limbaugh before condemning him. I considered Mr. Klavan’s dare but, sadly, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

It wasn’t because the idea of being forced to sign up on Rush’s web site to hear audio clips made my skin crawl. And it wasn’t just because I had better things to do.

The reason I didn’t listen to Rush is because I don’t have to. Because we won, Mr. Klavan. And by "we", I mean liberals, moderates, Democrats, left-of-center humanists and even vegetable-eating, animal-loving, planet-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, self-hating femi-Nazis.

I used to listen to Limbaugh during the deep, dark Bush years. Not for more than a few minutes, mind you. Just enough time to fire me up once again to keep fighting in the war against sanity that had gripped the nation.

Maybe it was unfair of me not to give Rush a "full" chance. After all, that’s what he always does, right? Perhaps I should have sat there quietly taking in his sophistry without interrupting or shouting at the radio.

But then I remembered the golden rule of shallow political commentating: WWRD - i.e. - "What would Rush do?" And from my brief exposures to Mr. Limbaugh, I learned the rules well. Oversimplify, pontificate, shout, interrupt and attack, attack, attack.

But back to my main point and, believe me, I do have one. I.....DON’T.....HAVE.....TO.....LISTEN .....TO....RUSH LIMBAUGH......ANYMORE!

Rush’s simplistic, superficial, misleading analyses don’t anger me now. They simply amuse. It’s like watching a child who has been given a timeout throw a tantrum. So long as it’s not my kid, it’s fun to watch since it’s no longer my problem.

President Obama urges everyone to take a new, non-partisan approach to politics. I’m not sure even he believes that’s possible given the bitter intransigence of the Republican members of Congress.

But never mind. Obama can be Mr. Nice Guy all he wants. After enduring eight years of lies, deceits, ad hominen attacks and outright criminality, I’m in no mood to play nice and politely listen to the other side, especially that female-bashing, Michael Fox-trashing, race-baiting, Oxycontin-taking radio blowhard named Limbaugh.

But guess what? I don’t have to bother because - that’s right - WE WON! Now I no longer have to be fair and balanced. I, too, can superficially dismiss arguments, engage in ad hominen attacks and generally be an insensitive jerk.

See? I’ve learned from the best. Where once I spent hours reading lengthy, thoughtful analyses from both the right and the left, now I don’t waste my time. And where I used to earnestly strive to be diligent, thorough and fair, now I tend to just shout my opponents down.

Like Minnesota’s almost-Senator Al Franken, I think Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat idiot and I don’t care who knows it. Unlike the lineup of hypocritical Republicans who criticize Mr. Limbaugh for his crude, hurtful attacks and then come crawling back for redemption, I have no intention of apologizing. And I definitely have no intention of listening. I’ll leave that task to Mr. Klavan and his fellow dittoeheads and wish them a happy eight years in the political wilderness.