John McCain, the first hundred days

January 20
Watch on TV as that young punk Obama gets sworn in. They call me senile but he can’t even get the oath right. Throw my glass of Metamucil at the screen.

January 26
Al Gore called again wanting to commiserate over election loss. Boy, I sure hope I’m not that bitter eight years from now. Ask Cindy to order caller ID for our phone.

February 14
Place a call to Sarah Palin to wish her Happy Valentine’s Day. Figure that’s the least I can do for all her hard work on my campaign. Get recorded message asking for donations for Palin for President in 2012 and saying that the next Republican campaign will be run right. Bitch.

February 23
Cindy issues ultimatum: either I stop moping around the house in bathrobe all day or she’ll cut off my weekly allowance. Her words hit me like a cold splash of water. Stop watching C-SPAN in hopes of finding ongoing election recounts.

March 13
John Kerry calls to provide emotional support but instead gives thirty-minute monologue on why he should have won in 2004. Afterwards, give Cindy hell for not ordering caller ID yet.

March 23
Bored silly. To pass time, make prank call to Queen Elizabeth and ask if she’s got Prince Charles in a can. When she replies curtly "Who is this?", I tell her she better let him out and quickly hang up. Consider calling back and asking for Harry Butz.

March 30
Return home to find message from President Obama on my voicemail asking for my support in getting passage of his legislative agenda. Feel energized and ready to dive into the political fray once more until I hear the message ending with: "Thank you, Joe; I know I can always count on your support."

April 1
Cindy brings me my morning copy of The Washington Post. Delighted to see front page story suggesting two-thirds of voters would now choose me over Obama. About to call RNC headquarters to explore possible 2012 run when Cindy yells: "April Fool’s!" and informs me she downloaded mock front page from the Internet. We share a laugh and I retire to my room to cry.

April 10
Thank God for caller ID. George Bush called but no way I was going to talk to that bozo. He left a message inviting me to Dallas and saying he hoped there were no hard feelings. Idiot.

April 20
Days turn into weeks; weeks turn into months. Cindy shows me how to access e-mail and "surf the Web" but I’m already tired of visiting the AARP site. On the bright side, I seem to be catching on to Minesweeper and Bookworm.

April 30
Start phoning potential 2012 presidential candidates to see if they’d like my advice and support. No one answers. Cindy says everyone has caller ID these days. Darn.

Advice From Barney

MEMO

TO: Bo, the Portuguese Water Dog
The First Puppy

FROM: Barney, the Scottish Terrier
Former First Dog

Congratulations, kid, on your selection as the First Pup. Well done. I think you’re going to enjoy your four-year stint in The White House. Who knows? It might even be an eight-year stay. Believe me; if my boss can get reelected, anyone can!

First things first. Don’t let them stick you in the basement. It’s cold down there and not at all comfortable. Remember, you’re the First Dog. So check out the whole building and find a spot that YOU like. Might I recommend either the Green Room or the Lincoln Bedroom. Just don’t pee on the carpet. That really seems to tick everybody off.

Now you’re going to have a lot of humans trying to lead you around and tell you what to do. But unless it’s the President or the First Lady giving you orders, you can pretty much tell them to take a hike. If any of those Secret Service guys get a little too pushy, a bite or two on the ankle will let them know who’s boss, if you get my drift.

I’m sure your nose has already helped you discover where the White House kitchen is. If you’re like me, you’ll be spending a lot of time there begging for scraps. Thanks to all the banquets they have, the pickings are prime. One small word of advice. If they’re entertaining the Premier of China or the Prime Minister of South Korea, best to make yourself scarce unless you want to end up on the menu.

I see you’re going to belong to the president’s daughters Malia and Sasha. It’s great to have kids to play with and all. But if you really want to secure your place in the White House hierarchy, best to spend some time in the Oval Office with the president. After all, he’s the alpha male and if you’re in tight with him, you’ll be on easy street.

When I was First Dog, I always found that the big boss appreciated it if I did some of his dirty work for him. Like the time that French president came to visit and I peed on his leg. My owner shook his finger at me and said "Bad dog!" over and over. But we both knew that was just an act. After the French guy left, I got sirloin steak every day for the next two weeks.

One word of caution. That football-shaped thing that the president is always carting around with him? Well, it’s not really a football. Don’t make the mistake I made and go running off with it thinking your owner wants to play catch. I’m not sure what’s inside that thing but the bullet scar on my left ear still reminds me that it’s not worth finding out. Trust me, kid, stick to playing with a frisbee.

So here’s hoping you have a great time in The White House. It really is a lot of fun. One final word of advice. Steer clear of the Vice President’s office unless that scary guy Cheney is gone.

(for more Portuguese Water Dog-related humor, check out www.livingwithoreo.blogspot.com)

Ronnie Reagan Redux

Harry Stonebraker was re-elected mayor of the small northeastern Missouri town of Winfield on Tuesday - about a month after his death....."I figured he'd win because he seemed to get even more popular after he died, just like Carnahan," [Lincoln County Clerk Elaine] Luck said.

- Associated Press - April 7. 2009

MEMO

TO: All Republican Party members

FROM: Michael Steele
Chairman
Republican National Committee

RE: Next presidential candidate

I’m sure everyone knows that Missouri is the "Show-Me" state. And I don’t think we’re going to need a third example from Missourians to educate us about the future of the Republican Party.

As you’ll probably recall, Missouri Democrat Mel Carnahan won the 2000 Senate race despite having died in a plane crash weeks before the election. Now Missouri Mayor Harry Stonebraker has pulled off the same spectacular feat albeit at a somewhat lower electoral level.

Nevertheless, I think the good people of Missouri are trying to tell us something, namely that if you’ve got a popular incumbent, don’t let something as trivial as death get in the way of a surefire electoral win. The message is clear: popularity trumps viability.

Given our party’s current moribund condition, I think it behooves us to start thinking outside the box or, in this particular case, perhaps inside the box. Let’s face it; we’ve got a pretty weak lineup of potential candidates for The White House in 2012. Even with the economy tanking and two wars still raging, I don’t think we’re going to get too far with a nominee like Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal or Rush Limbaugh.

Now some of you are probably saying to yourselves: "Michael’s right; let’s get George W. Bush to run again." Right idea; wrong guy. Despite being out of office almost three months, he’s still about as popular as ants at a picnic.

But you know which Republican still is popular? Ronald Reagan, that’s who. Yes, I know he’s dead. But Missouri has shown us that death is not necessarily a game stopper when it comes to elections.

So let’s give this proposal some serious consideration. After all, what have we got to lose? Let’s look at the advantages of a Reagan candidacy in 2012.

We can do away with a lengthy and expensive primary campaign. We won’t have to worry about dividing the party. Heck, we may even be able to use all those old campaign posters and buttons from the 1980s, especially if George Bush, Sr. agrees to be the Vice Presidential candidate again.

Frankly, I don’t see a downside to this proposal. Thanks to Reagan’s deceased status, we don’t have to fret about such things as the candidate’s personal appearance. Nor do we have to be concerned about a platform, debate preparation or campaign screw-ups. That’s one thing about the dead; they seldom misspeak.

I’m sure some of you are worried that this plan could easily be derailed by the 22nd Amendment that limits a sitting president to two terms. Not to worry. I’ve had our lawyers check into this and, according to them, it only applies to living individuals.

So, what do you say? Let’s bring back the Gipper. Not literally, of course. But I guarantee you if we put him back on the ballot, it’ll be morning in America once again.

Abraham Obama

It seems that those who tried to draw parallels between Barack Obama and Abraham Lincoln may have got their wish. Both were Illinois politicians who won the presidency. Both took office in the midst of a huge national crisis. And Obama even used Lincoln’s Bible when taking the oath of office.

But now the comparisons may be complete with the latest news out of West Palm Beach, Florida. It turns out that the much-used "red state-blue state" national divide was more than just a handy political metaphor. Right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh has apparently led a revolt that has launched America’s second civil war.

Calling on all red states to join the new Confederacy of Conservative States of America, Limbaugh pointed to recent decisions by Barack Obama that have irremediably divided the nation. Blaming the ills of America on the socialist maneuverings of the Democrats, the rotund conservative urged all "right-thinking" and "right-leaning" Americans to join the CCSA.

"I simply can no longer abide the liberal nonsense coming out of places like Los Angeles and New York," said Limbaugh. "If those east coast and west coast crazies want to destroy the nation, they’re not going to take us down with them."

Within days, red states from Montana to Georgia declared their independence and quickly joined the new confederacy. Just about every state from the Rockies to the Gulf of Mexico has joined up and others are threatening to do likewise.

President Obama has placed National Guard troops on alert all along the red state-blue state border which has quickly become known as the Olbermann-Hannity Line. As most of America’s arsenal is owned by breakaway conservatives, The White House is reportedly under siege and could fall into rebel hands at any time.

The United States is quickly becoming unravelled. Those few remaining liberals in states like Texas and South Carolina are fleeing for northern destinations. Likewise, the handful of conservative residents of states such as Oregon and Massachusetts are already on the highways headed for points south.

President Obama addressed what is left of the United States and urged citizens to remain calm. "A house divided against itself cannot stand," said Obama. "And those conservatives are just downright crazy."

"Who you calling crazy?" said an incensed CCSA President Limbaugh. "Those Yankee liberals are going to destroy what’s left of America. Real Americans will join with us to create a new land of freedom, opportunity and opportunistic freedom."

As sporadic fighting broke out along the Ohio River and the Minnesota-North Dakota border, it became clear that a full-blown civil war was imminent.

"Well, it’s not the worst thing that could happen," said President Obama. "At least now no one will be bitching about Iraq and the economy."

Bjork Bails Out Iceland

Noted Icelandic warbler Björk has now become famous for something more than her singing after bailing out her homeland. Having become the world’s first nation to effectively declare bankruptcy, Iceland now can thank their most famous citizen for saving it from complete annihilation.

"We are eternally grateful to Björk for saving our herring, so to speak," said recently appointed lesbian Prime Minister Johanna Sigurdardottir. "I don’t know where we’d be without her."
For her part, the once-be-swanned crooner said she was happy to help her native land escape what appeared to be a trustee sale to the highest international bidder.

"I love my country too much to allow it to fall into foreign hands," said the plaintive songstress. "Especially after I heard that Donald Trump had put in a bid."

The isolated island nation previously known only for fish and geothermal heating had enjoyed a five-year ride as a high-risk player in the field of international finance. But all that success came crashing down in the wake of the current world recession.

Former President Olafur Ragnar Grímsson stated that there was plenty of blame to go around for Iceland’s spectacular failure.

"I think part of it had to do with bad timing and irrational exuberance," said Grímsson. "But you can’t discount the fact that maybe herring fisherman becoming bankers might have played a part."

Whatever the reason, Iceland is now surprisingly poised to make a comeback. thanks to the generosity of Björk.

"I would have liked to have helped," said Iceland’s first billionaire Björgólfur Thor Björgólfsson. "But my money went the way of the dodo. So I’m glad that Björk was able to step in."

Former editor Gunnar Smári Egilsson and history professor Gudmunder Hálfdánarson agree that Björk’s bailout was a Hail Mary move that saved the day.

"She’s a saint," said Egilsson. "That’s right," concurred Hálfdánarson. "Let’s face it; she was our last fungible resource."

Given Björk’s amazing resurrection of Iceland, President Barack Obama has made some tentative enquiries to see if the Nordic warbler could work her magic on the United States.

"I’m sure she’d love to help if she could," said grocery store magnate Jön Asgeir Jóhannesson. "But as far as I know, she can only work miracles for people with normal names that have at least three S’s, two accents and one umlaut."

No word yet on whether Björk will be able to bail out Denmark, Russia or Turkey.

Secretary O

In a surprising turn of events, President Obama today announced the expansion of his Cabinet to include a whole new raft of Secretary-level appointments.

First up was the appointment of Al Gore to the new position of King of Global Warming and Gaseous Emissions. "I just thought he was the right man for the job," said Obama. "After all, who better than Al to talk about hot air?"

Also new to the Cabinet table is Dick Cheney who will become America’s first Lord of the Dark Side. "I don’t know about you," said the President. "But when it comes to deceit, torture and the dark arts, I want the best and Dick is definitely at the top of his game."

On the financial side, Obama has reinstated Alan Greenspan to a position of importance. "He’s going to be our new Baron of Bankruptcy," said the President. "Next to Ayn Rand and Ronald Reagan, he’s most responsible for the economic mess we’re in so he oughta know how to get us out of it, right?"

To help in the diplomatic sphere, the President has tapped Bill Clinton for the position of Ambassador-at-Large. "Who better than Bill to take on whatever international crisis is at hand?" said Obama. "Plus, when it comes to Ambassador-at-Large, he fits the bill and then some."

Surprisingly, former GM CEO Rick "Station" Wagoner has been anointed American’s first Car Czar. "I know some of you are surprised at my choice," said President Obama. "But, again, who better to help us learn from our mistakes than the guy who made more of them than anyone else? Plus, after the lucrative buyout he received when I made him walk the plank, he’s willing to work for a dollar a year plus free use of a Toyota Prius."

Finally, President Obama found a position for America’s most powerful woman - Oprah Winfrey. "The electronic media are arguably the most important resources in America today," said Obama. "And daytime television is clearly suffering the most. So I’ve appointed Ms. Winfrey as the Queen of Daytime Television to help restore the glory of quiz shows, soaps and talk shows that once made America the envy of the midday televised world."

The Terrorists Lose

Stephen Harper today proudly announced that the War on Terror is officially over and that the terrorists have lost. The Canadian prime minister noted that recent events in Canada have definitively closed this chapter in world history.

"Think back to before 9/11," said Mr. Harper. "What were our biggest concerns? That’s right; Paris Hilton’s home video and Congressman Gary Condit’s dalliance with murdered intern Chandra Levy."

Since then, however, Canadians, Americans and Europeans have been obsessed with Osama bin Laden and international terrorism. What was once important to western culture seemed to have been lost in the midst of an ongoing clash of civilizations.

"If there was any doubt that things have changed," said the prime minister. "Two recent incidents have confirmed that it’s time to declare ‘Mission Accomplished’ and get on with what we do best."

Mr. Harper went on to detail those recent incidents which have restored western culture to its rightful place in the world.

"I think there can be little doubt that the media’s obsession with Billy Bob Thornton’s interview with Gian Ghomeshi on CBC Radio is a healthy sign that international terrorism is of little concern anymore," said Harper. "And, if there was any doubt, the extensive coverage of Britney Spears’s mediocre concert performance in Vancouver clearly makes the case."

Noting that both of these events took place in Canada, the prime minister was quick to acknowledge his country’s leading role in ending the War on Terror.

"Some people have criticized us for not pulling our weight in this conflict," said Harper. "But I think these recent events will silence those critics. Canada has clearly provided a welcoming milieu to rekindle the media’s obsession with celebrity, an obsession that underscores our great victory."

When asked to comment on Prime Minster Harper’s announcement, U. S. President Barack Obama was reluctant to declare an end to hostilities in the War on Terror. He did, however, acknowledge that the recent happenings on Canadian soil may well signal the end of what he called the Overseas Contingency Operation.

Obama Outs Himself

In a surprise move, President Obama publicly announced that he is a liberal. Apparently he had known for a long time about his true political orientation but chose to hide it from everyone including his own family.

"Yes, I am a liberal," said Obama. "I know this may come as a shock to many people but I felt that it was time to be true to myself and finally come out of the closet."

The newly elected president admitted that he had known for many years that he was a liberal.
"Even when I was a young boy," said Obama. "I knew I wasn’t like most of my friends. While they all seemed quite happy with the status quo, I often got strange stirrings whenever I engaged in so-called progressive discussions or read the editorial page of The N. Y. Times."

Some observers say that Obama’s coming out was not unexpected given the historical signs. Although he always professed to be a moderate and sometimes even a fiscal conservative, it was clear to close friends that he had an affinity for left-of-center politics. Former school chum Marty Flickstein wasn’t surprised by the President’s recent revelation.

"We all knew Barry was a little different," said Flickstein. "We’d all be stealing copies of our dads’ Playboys and he’d be filching back issues of The New Republic. He said it was just to look at the pictures but we all knew he was actually reading the articles."

Back in the eighties, Obama was known to frequent so-called "liberal" clubs where regulars could talk about Keynsian economics and huge government social spending without fear of exposure.

"It wasn’t easy being a liberal during the Reagan years," said a longtime free-thinking comrade of Obama’s. "Just saying the word could destroy any electoral hopes you might have had. We all knew Barry wanted to be mainstream and hold an actual elected office but if his taste for things liberal had ever gotten out, his political career would have been finished."

During the nineties, Obama chose to keep his liberalism a secret from almost everyone, including his wife Michelle.

"I’m ashamed to admit it," said America’s 44th president. "But I didn’t even tell the person closest to me that I had these strange yearnings. I guess she always suspected when she found all those Galbraith books in the basement but she never confronted me with them."

Now that Obama is out of the closet, it appears that he is going to let his true political colors show.

"I feel so free," said the President. "I can finally be my true self and act in accordance with my real political feelings."

Asked how this will affect his governance of the country, Obama said that he didn’t think it would make that much of a difference.

"After all," said the President. "I’m not one of those leather bar, tax-and-spend liberals. I’m just a regular guy who happens to like social programs. One thing I will do, however, is implement a new policy for my cabinet regarding individual political orientations, something I call: ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’."

I'm In No Rush

In a recent L. A. Times op-ed piece, Andrew Klavan challenged me to actually listen to Rush Limbaugh before condemning him. I considered Mr. Klavan’s dare but, sadly, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

It wasn’t because the idea of being forced to sign up on Rush’s web site to hear audio clips made my skin crawl. And it wasn’t just because I had better things to do.

The reason I didn’t listen to Rush is because I don’t have to. Because we won, Mr. Klavan. And by "we", I mean liberals, moderates, Democrats, left-of-center humanists and even vegetable-eating, animal-loving, planet-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, self-hating femi-Nazis.

I used to listen to Limbaugh during the deep, dark Bush years. Not for more than a few minutes, mind you. Just enough time to fire me up once again to keep fighting in the war against sanity that had gripped the nation.

Maybe it was unfair of me not to give Rush a "full" chance. After all, that’s what he always does, right? Perhaps I should have sat there quietly taking in his sophistry without interrupting or shouting at the radio.

But then I remembered the golden rule of shallow political commentating: WWRD - i.e. - "What would Rush do?" And from my brief exposures to Mr. Limbaugh, I learned the rules well. Oversimplify, pontificate, shout, interrupt and attack, attack, attack.

But back to my main point and, believe me, I do have one. I.....DON’T.....HAVE.....TO.....LISTEN .....TO....RUSH LIMBAUGH......ANYMORE!

Rush’s simplistic, superficial, misleading analyses don’t anger me now. They simply amuse. It’s like watching a child who has been given a timeout throw a tantrum. So long as it’s not my kid, it’s fun to watch since it’s no longer my problem.

President Obama urges everyone to take a new, non-partisan approach to politics. I’m not sure even he believes that’s possible given the bitter intransigence of the Republican members of Congress.

But never mind. Obama can be Mr. Nice Guy all he wants. After enduring eight years of lies, deceits, ad hominen attacks and outright criminality, I’m in no mood to play nice and politely listen to the other side, especially that female-bashing, Michael Fox-trashing, race-baiting, Oxycontin-taking radio blowhard named Limbaugh.

But guess what? I don’t have to bother because - that’s right - WE WON! Now I no longer have to be fair and balanced. I, too, can superficially dismiss arguments, engage in ad hominen attacks and generally be an insensitive jerk.

See? I’ve learned from the best. Where once I spent hours reading lengthy, thoughtful analyses from both the right and the left, now I don’t waste my time. And where I used to earnestly strive to be diligent, thorough and fair, now I tend to just shout my opponents down.

Like Minnesota’s almost-Senator Al Franken, I think Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat idiot and I don’t care who knows it. Unlike the lineup of hypocritical Republicans who criticize Mr. Limbaugh for his crude, hurtful attacks and then come crawling back for redemption, I have no intention of apologizing. And I definitely have no intention of listening. I’ll leave that task to Mr. Klavan and his fellow dittoeheads and wish them a happy eight years in the political wilderness.

Bush Files for Unemployment

Apparently the current economic downturn is worse than expected. As evidence of how bad things have gotten, George W. Bush was seen last week filing a claim at his local Dallas unemployment office.

"It's been tough finding work," admitted the former president. "Every time I apply for a new job, they don't seem that impressed with my record. I guess two foreign wars and a screwed up economy don't help."

Mr. Bush said he finally gave up looking for work after being turned down for a position as a Walmart greeter. "I definitely met the age requirement," said Bush. "But they said they just didn't find me believable when I said 'Welcome to Walmart. Can I help you?'."

Although the former president's resume includes a lengthy detailing of his experience and employment history, it seems that his job strengths are not in high demand in today's tight market.

"I looked for work at Home Depot, too," said Mr. Bush. "But they said that they didn't have any positions involving brush clearing or constitutional demolition. Plus, they didn't seem that impressedwith my building skills, particularly those involving renovating democracies."

Asked why he would even be seeking employment given his generous pension, Mr. Bush demurred.

"Sure I get a pension," said the ex-president. "But it's hardly enough to live on. Remember, I've got this fancy house here in Dallas and a ranch in Crawford. If I can't bring in some extra cash, we're going to have to cut back on luxuries like books and pork rinds."

While Mr. Bush has had to cut back to make ends meet, he says that he and Laura are still able to manage and get by.

"Luckily I'm over sixty," said Bush. "So I can get a great deal for breakfast at Denny's and I can ride the bus for free on Wednesdays. In fact, once I turn 65, there are so many savings out there, I'll be laughing."

Fortunately, the ex-president seems to be the only member of his administration that hasn't been able to find work.

"I just don't understand it," said Bush. "Dick Cheney's got a job with the mob and even Donnie Rumsfeld found work at his local Dairy Queen."

Abraham Obama

It seems that those who tried to draw parallels between Barack Obama and Abraham Lincoln may have got their wish. Both were Illinois politicians who won the presidency. Both took office in the midst of huge national crises. And Obama even used Lincoln’s Bible when taking the oath of office.

But now the comparisons may be complete with the latest news out of West Palm Beach, Florida. It turns out that the much-used "red state-blue state" national divide was more than just a handy political metaphor. Right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh has apparently led a revolt that has launched America’s second civil war.

Calling on all red states to join the new Confederacy of Conservative States of America, Limbaugh pointed to recent decisions by Barack Obama that have irremediably divided the nation. Blaming the ills of America on the socialist maneuverings of the Democrats, the rotund conservative urged all "right-thinking" and "right-leaning" Americans to join the CCSA.

"I simply can no longer abide the liberal nonsense coming out of places like Los Angeles and New York," said Limbaugh. "If those east coast and west coast crazies want to destroy the nation, they’re not going to take us down with them."

Within days, red states from Montana to Georgia declared their independence and quickly joined the new confederacy. Just about every state from the Rockies to the Gulf of Mexico has joined up and others are threatening to do likewise.

President Obama has placed National Guard troops on alert all along the red state-blue state border which has quickly become known as the Olbermann-Hannity Line. Unfortunately, most of America’s arsenal is owned by breakaway conservatives. The White House is reportedly under siege and could fall into rebel hands at any time.

The United States is quickly becoming unravelled. Those few remaining liberals in states like Texas and South Carolina are fleeing for northern destinations. Likewise, the handful of conservative residents of states such as Oregon and Massachusetts are already on the highways headed for points south.

President Obama addressed what is left of the United States and urged citizens to remain calm. "A house divided against itself cannot stand," said Obama. "And those conservatives are just downright crazy."

"Who you calling crazy?" said an incensed CCSA President Limbaugh. "Those Yankee liberals are going to destroy what’s left of America. Real Americans will join with us to create a new land of freedom, opportunity and opportunistic freedom."

As sporadic fighting broke out along the Ohio River and the Minnesota-North Dakota border, it became clear that a full-blown civil war was imminent.

"Well, it’s not the worst thing that could happen," said President Obama. "At least now no one will be bitching about Iraq and the economy."

Give What You Can

A recent mailing from the registered charity SERF, the Salary-capped Executives’ Relief Fund:

Edward Scott III has to fly business class. He no longer has access to a corporate jet. Gone are the days when he was picked up at home by a chauffeur-driven limousine. Now he’s forced to drive himself to work in a two-year old Lexus. Lunch is in a two-star restaurant only and not on the company expense account.

Edward is just one of the dozens of victims of President Obama’s $500,000 cap on corporate salaries. Once a noble financial CEO who tirelessly helped to underwrite residential mortgages for those who couldn’t afford them, now Scott himself has to try to cope with less, much less.

Unlike you and me, corporate executives can’t put aside money for a rainy day. They have to keep up appearances. And that means millions spent on everything from suburban mansions to downtown condos to country getaways. Not to mention extra vehicles, wine cellars and made-to-measure suits.

Some unfortunate business leaders have already fallen on hard times. Stories abound of corporate executives being forced to exercise long-held stock options, access offshore bank accounts or even sell one of their summer homes. In a few tragic cases, some sadly had to go so far as to dip into family trust funds.

So please look into your heart and give what you can to help Edward and those like him. Whether it’s a million, a hundred thousand or even just ten thousand dollars, whatever you can afford to give will help.

For example, your donation of only a thousand dollars a week will ensure that Edward’s children can still attend private school. Two thousand a week lets Edward and his family continue to vacation in southern France rather than be forced to rent a cottage on the Maine coast. And for a one-time donation of as little as $25,000, you can help Edward buy a Persian rug or an antique commode for his office.

Time is running out for Edward and his hard-hit colleagues. Seven-figure severance packages and annual, six-figure bonuses only go so far. Having to defer that new car purchase an extra year or switching from Russian caviar to domestic can be hard on any family.

America has a proud tradition to present to the world. A proud tradition of corporate excess that tells everyone that this is the land of opportunity for a select, chosen few. But with the new salary cap, our corporate elite can no longer afford to maintain that prestigious image. They desperately need your help.

So please act now and give generously to SERF, The Salary-capped Executives’ Relief Fund. Remember, the corporate executive you save may be your own.

The Carney Economy

Recently the American economy has been likened to a giant Ponzi scheme. But, in reality, it has a whole lot more in common with carnival barkers.

Consider the rube, or in this case, the average American consumer. Generally he’s doing OK. He may not own his own home but he has a good job, a working automobile and a comfortable albeit not affluent lifestyle.

The next thing John Q. Consumer knows is that he’s strolling along the carnival boulevard that is the American economy and he’s being enticed by carney barkers from all sides. It’s all fine and good to suggest that he simply ignore the siren songs from these snake oil salesmen. But it’s pretty hard for most of us to pass up a deal that sounds too good to be true.

"Step right up and see the amazing new credit card," calls out one barker. "Consolidate all your other credit card debts on one new fabulous card and only pay 15% annual interest. Plus you’ll earn free travel points that’ll take you to new and exotic destinations."

So maybe Mr. Consumer already has a dozen credit cards and he can resist that guy’s sales pitch. But he’s being bombarded from all sides and some of those other pitches sound mighty good.

"Is your car starting to cost you in unwanted repair bills? Tired of 20th century technology? Well now is the perfect time to trade in that old clunker and treat yourself to a brand new SUV. And with no money down and 0% financing, there’s no better time than today to drive away in the vehicle of your dreams."

Maybe John Q. Consumer has got enough sense to stick with his current vehicle. Or maybe he knows that those "low monthly payments" are not so low after all. But that doesn’t mean he’s immune to the guy in the next booth.

"Watch movies, sports and your favorite shows in amazing high definition on a giant 52- inch screen complete with surround sound and the latest in flat screen technology. Why spend another night straining to watch your old TV when the world of the future is here today? For less than you might think, you can turn your living room into a fabulous home theater."

Pretty hard to resist, right? Forget about the financing charges, the extra required hardware and the new cable subscription fees. How can Mr. Consumer resist the lure of the shiny new toy? Doesn’t he work hard and doesn’t he deserve something for himself?

Perhaps the flashiest carney on the American midway is the home seller. Actually, this carnival sting requires three con men to pull off. First there’s the real estate agent who entices John Q. Consumer with dreams of owning a huge monster home despite his middling salary. He reels Mr. Consumer in and passes him on to the mortgage broker.

The broker then employs the "hard sell" convincing the mark that he can afford a giant mortgage with no money down and initial low monthly payments if he’ll just sign on the dotted line. And then the banker or "closer" comes in to seal the deal and bundle John’s mortgage with a bunch of others to entice some other rubes in another confidence game called derivative investments.

The American carnival midway is never ending. Maybe the mark can resist one or two or even three of these lifestyle sirens. But like the ancient Greek sailors of old, eventually he’ll be lured into the rocky shoals of bankruptcy.

But even then, our average consumer has not escaped from the entreaties of the carney barkers. "Just declare bankruptcy and, before you know it, you’re debt free and ready to buy, buy, buy again."

So how does Mr. Consumer free himself from the enticing traps set by the magicians of the American midway? It’s definitely not easy. After all, unlike a regular carnival, this one never leaves town and sometimes even asks the marks to bail out the carneys when they’ve gone too far. But the solution is basically the same as with any carnival midway; just leave your wallet in your pocket and keep on walking.

The Toyota Reessayer

As most Canadians know, a sure sign of spring is Tim Horton’s annual Roll-up-the-rim-to-win contest. And every year, many of us have a renewed hope of winning if not a new vehicle or laptop or cash prize, then at least a free coffee or a donut.

So it was with great anticipation that I entered my local Timmies last week I knew that last year’s major prize was a Toyota Matrix and that this year’s grand offering was some new model of Toyota unknown to me. But never mind, I thought, I’m sure it will be clear upon rolling up the rim on my winning cup what kind of vehicle I would be getting.

So I ordered my medium coffee, a decaf to ensure that I would not be overly excited in the event that I became an instant winner. As I sat drinking my cup of coffee, I allowed my mind to wander, envisioning myself behind the wheel of a brand new Toyota something or other.

Finally I finished my drink and the moment I’d been waiting for arrived: the ceremonial rolling up of the rim. With only my right thumb poised, I unfurled the right hand edge of the rim and rolled it out to reveal my prize.

I must admit that I was expecting to be greeted by the usual "please play again" or possibly a free coffee or donut. But I was shocked to find my revealed rim bore the word "Réessayer." At first I was a bit mystified until I realized that this must be the new model of Toyota on offer by the Tim Horton’s chain.

Could this be? After God knows how many years and who knows how many coffees, was I finally the winner of a brand new car? Apparently yes.

I was elated and could hardly contain myself. In a matter of days, I would, in all likelihood, be driving a brand new Toyota Réessayer.

I headed home in a state of sheer elation. Once home, I sat down at the kitchen table and proceeded to dial the Tim Horton’s 1-800 number.

A pleasant-sounding woman answered the phone and I described to her my good fortune. She asked me where I had bought the coffee and then she asked me to read exactly what was on the rolled out rim.

"Well it says I’ve won the Toyota Réessayer," I replied. "You know, your major prize."
"Could you read to me exactly what is on the rim," said the woman.

Reading directly from the cup edge, I told her it said "Réessayer S.V.P."

"Ah, yes," she said. "You have indeed won a marvellous vehicle. It costs virtually nothing to maintain and basically runs on air. It is a modern miracle of engineering and is, in fact, invisible."

Little did I know that I had won such a fabulous car. Not only was it a Toyota; now I discovered that it cost nothing, ran on air and was invisible.

Trying to contain myself, I giddily asked the Tim Horton’s woman when I could pick up my new vehicle.

She kindly suggested that I check my driveway every day to see if my winning vehicle had been delivered. Since it is invisible, I expressed my concern about being able to recognize it when it arrived.

She said I should simply go out in the driveway and kick in the general direction of where one of the tires should be and wait for my foot to make contact. If I hit nothing but air, she suggested that I wait until the next day and then simply "please play again" or look up the word "réessayer" in a French-English dictionary.

It’s been a few days and my new car apparently has yet to appear, as far as I know. But in the meantime, I think I’ve won again. That is, of course, assuming that Toyota also makes the new "Gagnez Un Beigne" sedan.

Obama's Secret

First it was the $792 billion stimulus package. Then it was the multi-billion dollar bank bailout. Next up was billions for the auto industry. And then, like magic, there was $275 billion for ailing homeowners.

Frankly, people were beginning to wonder how Barack Obama could do it. How could the new president keep spending billions upon billions of dollars? Surely there must be a limit to his ability to summon up even more bucks for bailouts.

Well it turns out that the answer is no. There is no limit to his generosity and it turns out it’s all because of a discovery the new president made on his first day in The White House.

"That first day," said Obama. "They gave me a tour of my new home including the Oval Office and the Lincoln bedroom."

"But while my tour guides took a break," said the President. "I took it upon myself to explore The White House basement. And you know what I found down there? A printing press, that’s what."

Apparently in the recesses of Obama’s new home resides a remnant from the days of FDR and the New Deal.

"Yeah, it was an offset printing press that can spit out thousand dollar bills at an incredible rate," said Obama. "For 1930s technology, it’s pretty amazing."

Since that first day, Obama has ordered White House staff to keep that old printing press operating 24/7 to fund whatever bailout was next.

"I have to admit," said Obama. "It’s come in really handy. Every day somebody else is looking for a handout and, by golly, I’ve always got something for them."

It turns out that this was the very press used by Franklin Roosevelt to fund his alphabet of New Deal programs that helped America weather the Great Depression.

"If it was good enough for FDR," said Obama. "It’s good enough for me. My only concern is that people may not honor these thousand dollar bills once they realize they’ve all got a picture of his wife Eleanor on them. Let’s just hope we’ve turned the corner by then."

George W. Bush Lobbies Historians

For those wondering what George W. Bush has been up to since leaving office, wonder no more. The former president has been busy preparing an all-out marketing campaign to secure his place in history.

"I know a lot of people have criticized my administration," said Mr. Bush. "Some say that I was the worst U. S. president in history. Personally, I think that’s just not fair."

"Sure, it’s easy to find fault with my record," continued the ex-president. "After all, when I first took office, the Dow was at 10,700, the unemployment rate was 4%, politicians were wondering how to spend a projected one trillion dollar surplus, the Twin Towers were still standing, there was no axis of evil, North Korea was complying with its treaty obligations, Saddam Hussein wasn’t bothering anyone and Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts were known."

"But that’s not necessarily a fair assessment of my time in office," said Mr. Bush. "When you take a gander at some of those other fellows, I think I come out looking pretty good. Well, maybe not pretty good but not as bad as some."

Asked to identify who might rank below him on the list of former presidents, Bush pointed to Warren G. Harding and James Buchanan.

"From what I understand," said Mr. Bush. "Those two guys really sucked. And what about that Harrison guy who died after only one month in office? For sure I was better than him unless you think doing nothing beats my eight-year record."

Apparently Bush’s marketing campaign will center on the fact that he was able to win reelection and serve two full terms.

"Whatever you think about me," said Bush. "I did serve two whole terms so that’s gotta count for something. As far as I’m concerned, that at least qualifies me for the title of worst two-term president of all time. And given LBJ’s withdrawal, Nixon’s resignation and Clinton’s blow job, maybe I’m not even at the bottom of that list."

As with any marketing campaign, Bush’s upcoming effort will have a fall-back position.
"If historians don’t want to call me the worst two-term president of all time," said Bush. "Then maybe they can at least consider the alternative, namely the third best president of the 21st century. Trust me; I can live with that."

Phelps Retracts

In a surprise about-face, Michael Phelps has retracted his recent public apology. Upon further reflection, it appears that the Olympic gold medallist was not sorry at all about getting caught smoking pot.

"I’ve had some time to think about it," said Phelps. "And I’ve decided that it was hypocritical of me to apologize for taking a couple of hits off a bong. The long and the short of it is, I like smoking pot."

It turns out, however, that the champion swimmer may have had another reason to backtrack on his earlier mea culpa. Questioned about his current endorsement contracts, Phelps was initially somewhat circumspect about discussing details.

"I’m sorry that Kellogg’s no longer wants to have me as their spokesman," he said. "But, let’s just say, I’ve recently managed to snag a few lucrative deals to replace them."

Inside sources have revealed that Phelps will soon be the public face of a whole slew of edible products from Cheetos to Oreos to Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

"I can’t really comment until the deals have been finalized," said Phelps. "But you have to admit that they all make a perfect fit with my newly-revealed lifestyle."

Negotiations are also ongoing with other makers of consumer products such asApple’s iTunes, Zig Zag rolling papers and an undisclosed Chinese manufacturer of lava lamps.

"Quite frankly," said Phelps. "I hadn’t really thought through the upside of me just being me. Sure, I like corn flakes but not that much. At least not until I put some chocolate sprinkles and mini-marshmallows on them and I’ve had a toke or two, if you know what I mean."

Preliminary discussions have reportedly also begun with manufacturers of various speciality products.

"Until all this apology business happened," said Phelps. "I would never have considered endorsing some things. Take Visine, for example. I’m a competitive swimmer, you know, and swimming pools are full of chlorinated water. Who better than a champion swimmer to endorse something to get the red out?"

No word yet on any offers from Betty Crocker brownie mix.

Washington Valentines 2009

It’s Valentine’s Day and millions of folks will be giving one another cards, including America’s political leaders. Here’s a sneak peek at some of this year’s offerings:

Rod Blagojevich to Oprah Winfrey
They say I’m really guilty,
They say I’ve been impeached.
I wish that I had offered you,
That vacant Senate seat.
Visit me in jail, Valentine?

Dick Cheney to George W. Bush
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
From the no-bid contracts
To the unencumbered power,
You gave me eight wonderful years
I never would have known.
I’m glad we picked you in 2000, Valentine.

George W. Bush to Barack Obama
Sorry ‘bout the national debt,
Afghanistan, Iraq.
But now they all belong to you,
And I won’t take then back.
Thanks new guy Valentine.

Barack Obama to Joe Biden
I really, really like you,
You are my special friend.
But if you won’t shut up dear Joe,
Our friendship’s at an end.
Please be my quiet Valentine.

Sarah Palin to John McCain
Roses are red,
The campaign is through.
The next time I run,
It’ll be without you.
You betcha, Valentine!

John Edwards to Elizabeth Edwards
I’m sorry that I cheated,
And for my indiscretions.
At least I always wait until
Your cancer’s in remission.
Sorry about that, Valentine.

Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama
I wanted to be President,
But I lost and that is sad.
But despite what Bill is saying,
Secretary’s not so bad.
See you in 2012, Valentine.

Bill Clinton to Hillary Clinton
My luve’s like a White, White House
That’s vacant in four years.
My luve’s like a yearning
That’s still unmet, I fear.
If fair thou art, my darling wife
You’ll surely let me try
To help you win the Presidency
And be the first First Guy.
Please be my co-executive Valentine.

Rampaging Stimulus Package

In the first major test of his presidency, Barack Obama was today faced with the aftermath of a giant stimulus package that has decimated the American heartland. In an evening television broadcast, the President addressed the nation:

It is with a heavy heart that I speak to you tonight in the wake of this terrible tragedy. It appears that the financial stimulus package that I helped to create has mutated into a dangerous creature that has devastated all areas of the country.

Reports are still streaming in but it is now clear that no region has been untouched by this giant financial instrument. Banks in every corner of our land have reportedly gorged themselves on the package’s unrestricted lending provisions, leaving them so bloated that they are unable to issue credit to ordinary Americans.

This terrible monster has also affected virtually every state in the Union with its unexpected add-ons, earmarks and pork barrel grants. Instead of issuing funds to stimulate the economy, this horrible creature has dumped untold billions of dollars on useless projects wherever federal legislators reside.

When I first introduced the package to the Congress, I assure you that it was a benign creature whose only intention was to boost the economy in a fair and non-partisan fashion. But unfortunately, by the time it had travelled from the House to the Senate and back, it had somehow grown to a gigantic, unwieldy, mutated hodge-podge of patronage spending.

Once the creature reached my desk for signature, I have to admit that I was afraid to challenge it. Given its width, breadth and strength, I knew a mere veto would not have been enough to strike it down.

Frankly, I feared for the consequences. Yet I hoped against hope that if I released this monster into the land, at least some good would come of its myriad provisions. Now I know I was wrong.
My fellow Americans, there is little we can do now to halt the destructive path of this financial monster. Sadly, we have no choice but to let it do its worst and eventually it will deplete itself and fade away. But until it does, we must quickly take measures to repair the damage done by creating a new, better, more efficient stimulus package.

I urge you and Congress to work with me to try once more to give away more billions to help truly heal our financially troubled nation. With your help, maybe - just maybe - we can get it right this time. After all, as they say, third time’s a charm.

Vice Presidential Jeopardy

After the recent Presidential Inauguration, we all know what happens to the political winners. But what of the losers? Where do they go? Apparently some end up on a politically-themed edition of the quiz show Jeopardy:

ALEX TREBEK: Hello and welcome to a special Vice Presidential losers edition of Jeopardy. All week, you know that we’ve pitted different unsuccessful Vice Presidential candidates against each other in several hard-fought elimination rounds. Some of the candidates like Bob Dole and Jack Kemp failed to advance likely due to creeping senility. Others like Joe Lieberman and Geraldine Ferraro played great games but ultimately fell short. And some like Walter Mondale and Edmund Muskie were less successful probably due to the fact that they’re dead. All of that to say our three remaining contestants in the championship round are Sarah Palin, John Edwards and Dan Quayle. Sarah, the first selection goes to you.
SARAH PALIN: You betcha, Alex. I’ll take "Swords" for $100.
ALEX TREBEK: That’s "S-words", Sarah. Anyway, the answer is: "One of two directional indicators that forms the first word in the name of two U. S. states." Sarah?
SARAH PALIN: What is "down", Alex?
ALEX TREBEK: No, I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Dan Quayle?
DAN QUAYLE: What is "west"?
ALEX TREBEK: No, that’s not right. John?
JOHN EDWARDS: As a former two-term senator and longtime resident of the great state of North Carolina, I’d like to say: "What is "south", Alex?" And, by the way, Rielle Hunter’s baby is not mine.
ALEX TREBEK: That is correct and please phrase your answer in the form of a question and refrain from extraneous political asides. John, you have control of the board.
JOHN EDWARDS: Alex, I’ll take "Alaska" for $300.
ALEX TREBEK: OK, the answer is: "This country has a contiguous land border with Alaska." I believe Sarah buzzed in first.
SARAH PALIN: "What is Russia with Putin rearing his head over the horizon and all?"
ALEX TREBEK: No, that’s wrong. Dan?
DAN QUAYLE: I’ll take "Different spellings of potato" for $200, Alex.
ALEX TREBEK: No, Dan. You were supposed to provide a question for the last....oh, never mind. John?
JOHN EDWARDS: Seriously, like Michael Jackson said, the kid is not my son. I don’t even know anyone named Rielle.
ALEX TREBEK: No, no, no. The correct response, if anyone cares, is " What is Canada?" Before we do any more damage, I’m going to stop this contest, declare John Edwards the winner with a grand total of $100 and pour myself a tumbler full of Scotch. Good night.