Abraham Obama

It seems that those who tried to draw parallels between Barack Obama and Abraham Lincoln may have got their wish. Both were Illinois politicians who won the presidency. Both took office in the midst of huge national crises. And Obama even used Lincoln’s Bible when taking the oath of office.

But now the comparisons may be complete with the latest news out of West Palm Beach, Florida. It turns out that the much-used "red state-blue state" national divide was more than just a handy political metaphor. Right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh has apparently led a revolt that has launched America’s second civil war.

Calling on all red states to join the new Confederacy of Conservative States of America, Limbaugh pointed to recent decisions by Barack Obama that have irremediably divided the nation. Blaming the ills of America on the socialist maneuverings of the Democrats, the rotund conservative urged all "right-thinking" and "right-leaning" Americans to join the CCSA.

"I simply can no longer abide the liberal nonsense coming out of places like Los Angeles and New York," said Limbaugh. "If those east coast and west coast crazies want to destroy the nation, they’re not going to take us down with them."

Within days, red states from Montana to Georgia declared their independence and quickly joined the new confederacy. Just about every state from the Rockies to the Gulf of Mexico has joined up and others are threatening to do likewise.

President Obama has placed National Guard troops on alert all along the red state-blue state border which has quickly become known as the Olbermann-Hannity Line. Unfortunately, most of America’s arsenal is owned by breakaway conservatives. The White House is reportedly under siege and could fall into rebel hands at any time.

The United States is quickly becoming unravelled. Those few remaining liberals in states like Texas and South Carolina are fleeing for northern destinations. Likewise, the handful of conservative residents of states such as Oregon and Massachusetts are already on the highways headed for points south.

President Obama addressed what is left of the United States and urged citizens to remain calm. "A house divided against itself cannot stand," said Obama. "And those conservatives are just downright crazy."

"Who you calling crazy?" said an incensed CCSA President Limbaugh. "Those Yankee liberals are going to destroy what’s left of America. Real Americans will join with us to create a new land of freedom, opportunity and opportunistic freedom."

As sporadic fighting broke out along the Ohio River and the Minnesota-North Dakota border, it became clear that a full-blown civil war was imminent.

"Well, it’s not the worst thing that could happen," said President Obama. "At least now no one will be bitching about Iraq and the economy."

Give What You Can

A recent mailing from the registered charity SERF, the Salary-capped Executives’ Relief Fund:

Edward Scott III has to fly business class. He no longer has access to a corporate jet. Gone are the days when he was picked up at home by a chauffeur-driven limousine. Now he’s forced to drive himself to work in a two-year old Lexus. Lunch is in a two-star restaurant only and not on the company expense account.

Edward is just one of the dozens of victims of President Obama’s $500,000 cap on corporate salaries. Once a noble financial CEO who tirelessly helped to underwrite residential mortgages for those who couldn’t afford them, now Scott himself has to try to cope with less, much less.

Unlike you and me, corporate executives can’t put aside money for a rainy day. They have to keep up appearances. And that means millions spent on everything from suburban mansions to downtown condos to country getaways. Not to mention extra vehicles, wine cellars and made-to-measure suits.

Some unfortunate business leaders have already fallen on hard times. Stories abound of corporate executives being forced to exercise long-held stock options, access offshore bank accounts or even sell one of their summer homes. In a few tragic cases, some sadly had to go so far as to dip into family trust funds.

So please look into your heart and give what you can to help Edward and those like him. Whether it’s a million, a hundred thousand or even just ten thousand dollars, whatever you can afford to give will help.

For example, your donation of only a thousand dollars a week will ensure that Edward’s children can still attend private school. Two thousand a week lets Edward and his family continue to vacation in southern France rather than be forced to rent a cottage on the Maine coast. And for a one-time donation of as little as $25,000, you can help Edward buy a Persian rug or an antique commode for his office.

Time is running out for Edward and his hard-hit colleagues. Seven-figure severance packages and annual, six-figure bonuses only go so far. Having to defer that new car purchase an extra year or switching from Russian caviar to domestic can be hard on any family.

America has a proud tradition to present to the world. A proud tradition of corporate excess that tells everyone that this is the land of opportunity for a select, chosen few. But with the new salary cap, our corporate elite can no longer afford to maintain that prestigious image. They desperately need your help.

So please act now and give generously to SERF, The Salary-capped Executives’ Relief Fund. Remember, the corporate executive you save may be your own.

The Carney Economy

Recently the American economy has been likened to a giant Ponzi scheme. But, in reality, it has a whole lot more in common with carnival barkers.

Consider the rube, or in this case, the average American consumer. Generally he’s doing OK. He may not own his own home but he has a good job, a working automobile and a comfortable albeit not affluent lifestyle.

The next thing John Q. Consumer knows is that he’s strolling along the carnival boulevard that is the American economy and he’s being enticed by carney barkers from all sides. It’s all fine and good to suggest that he simply ignore the siren songs from these snake oil salesmen. But it’s pretty hard for most of us to pass up a deal that sounds too good to be true.

"Step right up and see the amazing new credit card," calls out one barker. "Consolidate all your other credit card debts on one new fabulous card and only pay 15% annual interest. Plus you’ll earn free travel points that’ll take you to new and exotic destinations."

So maybe Mr. Consumer already has a dozen credit cards and he can resist that guy’s sales pitch. But he’s being bombarded from all sides and some of those other pitches sound mighty good.

"Is your car starting to cost you in unwanted repair bills? Tired of 20th century technology? Well now is the perfect time to trade in that old clunker and treat yourself to a brand new SUV. And with no money down and 0% financing, there’s no better time than today to drive away in the vehicle of your dreams."

Maybe John Q. Consumer has got enough sense to stick with his current vehicle. Or maybe he knows that those "low monthly payments" are not so low after all. But that doesn’t mean he’s immune to the guy in the next booth.

"Watch movies, sports and your favorite shows in amazing high definition on a giant 52- inch screen complete with surround sound and the latest in flat screen technology. Why spend another night straining to watch your old TV when the world of the future is here today? For less than you might think, you can turn your living room into a fabulous home theater."

Pretty hard to resist, right? Forget about the financing charges, the extra required hardware and the new cable subscription fees. How can Mr. Consumer resist the lure of the shiny new toy? Doesn’t he work hard and doesn’t he deserve something for himself?

Perhaps the flashiest carney on the American midway is the home seller. Actually, this carnival sting requires three con men to pull off. First there’s the real estate agent who entices John Q. Consumer with dreams of owning a huge monster home despite his middling salary. He reels Mr. Consumer in and passes him on to the mortgage broker.

The broker then employs the "hard sell" convincing the mark that he can afford a giant mortgage with no money down and initial low monthly payments if he’ll just sign on the dotted line. And then the banker or "closer" comes in to seal the deal and bundle John’s mortgage with a bunch of others to entice some other rubes in another confidence game called derivative investments.

The American carnival midway is never ending. Maybe the mark can resist one or two or even three of these lifestyle sirens. But like the ancient Greek sailors of old, eventually he’ll be lured into the rocky shoals of bankruptcy.

But even then, our average consumer has not escaped from the entreaties of the carney barkers. "Just declare bankruptcy and, before you know it, you’re debt free and ready to buy, buy, buy again."

So how does Mr. Consumer free himself from the enticing traps set by the magicians of the American midway? It’s definitely not easy. After all, unlike a regular carnival, this one never leaves town and sometimes even asks the marks to bail out the carneys when they’ve gone too far. But the solution is basically the same as with any carnival midway; just leave your wallet in your pocket and keep on walking.

The Toyota Reessayer

As most Canadians know, a sure sign of spring is Tim Horton’s annual Roll-up-the-rim-to-win contest. And every year, many of us have a renewed hope of winning if not a new vehicle or laptop or cash prize, then at least a free coffee or a donut.

So it was with great anticipation that I entered my local Timmies last week I knew that last year’s major prize was a Toyota Matrix and that this year’s grand offering was some new model of Toyota unknown to me. But never mind, I thought, I’m sure it will be clear upon rolling up the rim on my winning cup what kind of vehicle I would be getting.

So I ordered my medium coffee, a decaf to ensure that I would not be overly excited in the event that I became an instant winner. As I sat drinking my cup of coffee, I allowed my mind to wander, envisioning myself behind the wheel of a brand new Toyota something or other.

Finally I finished my drink and the moment I’d been waiting for arrived: the ceremonial rolling up of the rim. With only my right thumb poised, I unfurled the right hand edge of the rim and rolled it out to reveal my prize.

I must admit that I was expecting to be greeted by the usual "please play again" or possibly a free coffee or donut. But I was shocked to find my revealed rim bore the word "Réessayer." At first I was a bit mystified until I realized that this must be the new model of Toyota on offer by the Tim Horton’s chain.

Could this be? After God knows how many years and who knows how many coffees, was I finally the winner of a brand new car? Apparently yes.

I was elated and could hardly contain myself. In a matter of days, I would, in all likelihood, be driving a brand new Toyota Réessayer.

I headed home in a state of sheer elation. Once home, I sat down at the kitchen table and proceeded to dial the Tim Horton’s 1-800 number.

A pleasant-sounding woman answered the phone and I described to her my good fortune. She asked me where I had bought the coffee and then she asked me to read exactly what was on the rolled out rim.

"Well it says I’ve won the Toyota Réessayer," I replied. "You know, your major prize."
"Could you read to me exactly what is on the rim," said the woman.

Reading directly from the cup edge, I told her it said "Réessayer S.V.P."

"Ah, yes," she said. "You have indeed won a marvellous vehicle. It costs virtually nothing to maintain and basically runs on air. It is a modern miracle of engineering and is, in fact, invisible."

Little did I know that I had won such a fabulous car. Not only was it a Toyota; now I discovered that it cost nothing, ran on air and was invisible.

Trying to contain myself, I giddily asked the Tim Horton’s woman when I could pick up my new vehicle.

She kindly suggested that I check my driveway every day to see if my winning vehicle had been delivered. Since it is invisible, I expressed my concern about being able to recognize it when it arrived.

She said I should simply go out in the driveway and kick in the general direction of where one of the tires should be and wait for my foot to make contact. If I hit nothing but air, she suggested that I wait until the next day and then simply "please play again" or look up the word "réessayer" in a French-English dictionary.

It’s been a few days and my new car apparently has yet to appear, as far as I know. But in the meantime, I think I’ve won again. That is, of course, assuming that Toyota also makes the new "Gagnez Un Beigne" sedan.

Obama's Secret

First it was the $792 billion stimulus package. Then it was the multi-billion dollar bank bailout. Next up was billions for the auto industry. And then, like magic, there was $275 billion for ailing homeowners.

Frankly, people were beginning to wonder how Barack Obama could do it. How could the new president keep spending billions upon billions of dollars? Surely there must be a limit to his ability to summon up even more bucks for bailouts.

Well it turns out that the answer is no. There is no limit to his generosity and it turns out it’s all because of a discovery the new president made on his first day in The White House.

"That first day," said Obama. "They gave me a tour of my new home including the Oval Office and the Lincoln bedroom."

"But while my tour guides took a break," said the President. "I took it upon myself to explore The White House basement. And you know what I found down there? A printing press, that’s what."

Apparently in the recesses of Obama’s new home resides a remnant from the days of FDR and the New Deal.

"Yeah, it was an offset printing press that can spit out thousand dollar bills at an incredible rate," said Obama. "For 1930s technology, it’s pretty amazing."

Since that first day, Obama has ordered White House staff to keep that old printing press operating 24/7 to fund whatever bailout was next.

"I have to admit," said Obama. "It’s come in really handy. Every day somebody else is looking for a handout and, by golly, I’ve always got something for them."

It turns out that this was the very press used by Franklin Roosevelt to fund his alphabet of New Deal programs that helped America weather the Great Depression.

"If it was good enough for FDR," said Obama. "It’s good enough for me. My only concern is that people may not honor these thousand dollar bills once they realize they’ve all got a picture of his wife Eleanor on them. Let’s just hope we’ve turned the corner by then."

George W. Bush Lobbies Historians

For those wondering what George W. Bush has been up to since leaving office, wonder no more. The former president has been busy preparing an all-out marketing campaign to secure his place in history.

"I know a lot of people have criticized my administration," said Mr. Bush. "Some say that I was the worst U. S. president in history. Personally, I think that’s just not fair."

"Sure, it’s easy to find fault with my record," continued the ex-president. "After all, when I first took office, the Dow was at 10,700, the unemployment rate was 4%, politicians were wondering how to spend a projected one trillion dollar surplus, the Twin Towers were still standing, there was no axis of evil, North Korea was complying with its treaty obligations, Saddam Hussein wasn’t bothering anyone and Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts were known."

"But that’s not necessarily a fair assessment of my time in office," said Mr. Bush. "When you take a gander at some of those other fellows, I think I come out looking pretty good. Well, maybe not pretty good but not as bad as some."

Asked to identify who might rank below him on the list of former presidents, Bush pointed to Warren G. Harding and James Buchanan.

"From what I understand," said Mr. Bush. "Those two guys really sucked. And what about that Harrison guy who died after only one month in office? For sure I was better than him unless you think doing nothing beats my eight-year record."

Apparently Bush’s marketing campaign will center on the fact that he was able to win reelection and serve two full terms.

"Whatever you think about me," said Bush. "I did serve two whole terms so that’s gotta count for something. As far as I’m concerned, that at least qualifies me for the title of worst two-term president of all time. And given LBJ’s withdrawal, Nixon’s resignation and Clinton’s blow job, maybe I’m not even at the bottom of that list."

As with any marketing campaign, Bush’s upcoming effort will have a fall-back position.
"If historians don’t want to call me the worst two-term president of all time," said Bush. "Then maybe they can at least consider the alternative, namely the third best president of the 21st century. Trust me; I can live with that."

Phelps Retracts

In a surprise about-face, Michael Phelps has retracted his recent public apology. Upon further reflection, it appears that the Olympic gold medallist was not sorry at all about getting caught smoking pot.

"I’ve had some time to think about it," said Phelps. "And I’ve decided that it was hypocritical of me to apologize for taking a couple of hits off a bong. The long and the short of it is, I like smoking pot."

It turns out, however, that the champion swimmer may have had another reason to backtrack on his earlier mea culpa. Questioned about his current endorsement contracts, Phelps was initially somewhat circumspect about discussing details.

"I’m sorry that Kellogg’s no longer wants to have me as their spokesman," he said. "But, let’s just say, I’ve recently managed to snag a few lucrative deals to replace them."

Inside sources have revealed that Phelps will soon be the public face of a whole slew of edible products from Cheetos to Oreos to Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

"I can’t really comment until the deals have been finalized," said Phelps. "But you have to admit that they all make a perfect fit with my newly-revealed lifestyle."

Negotiations are also ongoing with other makers of consumer products such asApple’s iTunes, Zig Zag rolling papers and an undisclosed Chinese manufacturer of lava lamps.

"Quite frankly," said Phelps. "I hadn’t really thought through the upside of me just being me. Sure, I like corn flakes but not that much. At least not until I put some chocolate sprinkles and mini-marshmallows on them and I’ve had a toke or two, if you know what I mean."

Preliminary discussions have reportedly also begun with manufacturers of various speciality products.

"Until all this apology business happened," said Phelps. "I would never have considered endorsing some things. Take Visine, for example. I’m a competitive swimmer, you know, and swimming pools are full of chlorinated water. Who better than a champion swimmer to endorse something to get the red out?"

No word yet on any offers from Betty Crocker brownie mix.

Washington Valentines 2009

It’s Valentine’s Day and millions of folks will be giving one another cards, including America’s political leaders. Here’s a sneak peek at some of this year’s offerings:

Rod Blagojevich to Oprah Winfrey
They say I’m really guilty,
They say I’ve been impeached.
I wish that I had offered you,
That vacant Senate seat.
Visit me in jail, Valentine?

Dick Cheney to George W. Bush
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
From the no-bid contracts
To the unencumbered power,
You gave me eight wonderful years
I never would have known.
I’m glad we picked you in 2000, Valentine.

George W. Bush to Barack Obama
Sorry ‘bout the national debt,
Afghanistan, Iraq.
But now they all belong to you,
And I won’t take then back.
Thanks new guy Valentine.

Barack Obama to Joe Biden
I really, really like you,
You are my special friend.
But if you won’t shut up dear Joe,
Our friendship’s at an end.
Please be my quiet Valentine.

Sarah Palin to John McCain
Roses are red,
The campaign is through.
The next time I run,
It’ll be without you.
You betcha, Valentine!

John Edwards to Elizabeth Edwards
I’m sorry that I cheated,
And for my indiscretions.
At least I always wait until
Your cancer’s in remission.
Sorry about that, Valentine.

Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama
I wanted to be President,
But I lost and that is sad.
But despite what Bill is saying,
Secretary’s not so bad.
See you in 2012, Valentine.

Bill Clinton to Hillary Clinton
My luve’s like a White, White House
That’s vacant in four years.
My luve’s like a yearning
That’s still unmet, I fear.
If fair thou art, my darling wife
You’ll surely let me try
To help you win the Presidency
And be the first First Guy.
Please be my co-executive Valentine.

Rampaging Stimulus Package

In the first major test of his presidency, Barack Obama was today faced with the aftermath of a giant stimulus package that has decimated the American heartland. In an evening television broadcast, the President addressed the nation:

It is with a heavy heart that I speak to you tonight in the wake of this terrible tragedy. It appears that the financial stimulus package that I helped to create has mutated into a dangerous creature that has devastated all areas of the country.

Reports are still streaming in but it is now clear that no region has been untouched by this giant financial instrument. Banks in every corner of our land have reportedly gorged themselves on the package’s unrestricted lending provisions, leaving them so bloated that they are unable to issue credit to ordinary Americans.

This terrible monster has also affected virtually every state in the Union with its unexpected add-ons, earmarks and pork barrel grants. Instead of issuing funds to stimulate the economy, this horrible creature has dumped untold billions of dollars on useless projects wherever federal legislators reside.

When I first introduced the package to the Congress, I assure you that it was a benign creature whose only intention was to boost the economy in a fair and non-partisan fashion. But unfortunately, by the time it had travelled from the House to the Senate and back, it had somehow grown to a gigantic, unwieldy, mutated hodge-podge of patronage spending.

Once the creature reached my desk for signature, I have to admit that I was afraid to challenge it. Given its width, breadth and strength, I knew a mere veto would not have been enough to strike it down.

Frankly, I feared for the consequences. Yet I hoped against hope that if I released this monster into the land, at least some good would come of its myriad provisions. Now I know I was wrong.
My fellow Americans, there is little we can do now to halt the destructive path of this financial monster. Sadly, we have no choice but to let it do its worst and eventually it will deplete itself and fade away. But until it does, we must quickly take measures to repair the damage done by creating a new, better, more efficient stimulus package.

I urge you and Congress to work with me to try once more to give away more billions to help truly heal our financially troubled nation. With your help, maybe - just maybe - we can get it right this time. After all, as they say, third time’s a charm.

Vice Presidential Jeopardy

After the recent Presidential Inauguration, we all know what happens to the political winners. But what of the losers? Where do they go? Apparently some end up on a politically-themed edition of the quiz show Jeopardy:

ALEX TREBEK: Hello and welcome to a special Vice Presidential losers edition of Jeopardy. All week, you know that we’ve pitted different unsuccessful Vice Presidential candidates against each other in several hard-fought elimination rounds. Some of the candidates like Bob Dole and Jack Kemp failed to advance likely due to creeping senility. Others like Joe Lieberman and Geraldine Ferraro played great games but ultimately fell short. And some like Walter Mondale and Edmund Muskie were less successful probably due to the fact that they’re dead. All of that to say our three remaining contestants in the championship round are Sarah Palin, John Edwards and Dan Quayle. Sarah, the first selection goes to you.
SARAH PALIN: You betcha, Alex. I’ll take "Swords" for $100.
ALEX TREBEK: That’s "S-words", Sarah. Anyway, the answer is: "One of two directional indicators that forms the first word in the name of two U. S. states." Sarah?
SARAH PALIN: What is "down", Alex?
ALEX TREBEK: No, I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Dan Quayle?
DAN QUAYLE: What is "west"?
ALEX TREBEK: No, that’s not right. John?
JOHN EDWARDS: As a former two-term senator and longtime resident of the great state of North Carolina, I’d like to say: "What is "south", Alex?" And, by the way, Rielle Hunter’s baby is not mine.
ALEX TREBEK: That is correct and please phrase your answer in the form of a question and refrain from extraneous political asides. John, you have control of the board.
JOHN EDWARDS: Alex, I’ll take "Alaska" for $300.
ALEX TREBEK: OK, the answer is: "This country has a contiguous land border with Alaska." I believe Sarah buzzed in first.
SARAH PALIN: "What is Russia with Putin rearing his head over the horizon and all?"
ALEX TREBEK: No, that’s wrong. Dan?
DAN QUAYLE: I’ll take "Different spellings of potato" for $200, Alex.
ALEX TREBEK: No, Dan. You were supposed to provide a question for the last....oh, never mind. John?
JOHN EDWARDS: Seriously, like Michael Jackson said, the kid is not my son. I don’t even know anyone named Rielle.
ALEX TREBEK: No, no, no. The correct response, if anyone cares, is " What is Canada?" Before we do any more damage, I’m going to stop this contest, declare John Edwards the winner with a grand total of $100 and pour myself a tumbler full of Scotch. Good night.

An Obama Hosanna

Inauguration Day is over but America still hasn’t recovered from the Obama investiture. From the array of celebrity sightings to the wealth of reported miracles, observers agree that this was the greatest presidential inauguration ceremony since Millard Fillmore took the oath of office on July 10, 1850 after Zachary Taylor kicked the bucket.

For days before the inaugural, Washington was wall-to-wall celebrities. Everyone who is anyone was there - Hollywood stars, political bigwigs and the remaining captains of industry. From Alan Alda to Pia Zadora, the rich and famous flocked to the nation’s capital to catch a glimpse of history in the making.

And no one was disappointed. Although the newly inducted 44th president denied that anything special happened, reports from hundreds of people who were there strongly suggest otherwise.
"It was truly astonishing," said pint-sized, D-lister Gary Coleman. "I was standing there with a million other people for hours without so much as a Tic-Tac to eat. And then Obama shows up, someone passes him a couple of loaves of bread and two or three fish and the next thing you know we’ve all got a Filet-O-Fish sandwich. I’m not one to throw words around casually but that was an honest-to-God miracle"

If other reports can be believed, the feeding of the masses was the least of the miracles that occurred that day. Warren Buffet, for one, had to be briefly hospitalized after viewing the most miraculous event of his lengthy and event-filled life.

"It’s not something I would have believed unless I had been there," said the elderly uber-investor. "But I swear it’s true. It was a Tuesday and the Dow opened down fifty points and eventually closed down almost 200 points. But for a few minutes after Obama was sworn in, the Dow jumped a thousand points. Others claim it didn’t happen but I saw the big board and it was truly amazing."

But the most amazing miracle of all occurred just as Barack Obama took the oath of office. More than one attendee swears that as the new president spoke the final words of the oath, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King and Jesus Christ appeared beside him on the podium.

"I recognized the first two guys," said inaugural invocation presenter Pastor Rick Warren. "But that third guy didn’t look like Jesus at all. After all, he was black and kind of effeminate."

Obama Flubs Oath

In a surprising and unexpected development, President-elect Barack Obama flubbed the oath of office on Tuesday and has now inadvertently become the Prime Minister of Canada.

"I thought I knew that darned thing by heart," said Obama. "But then Chief Justice Roberts started playing around with the words and I just got confused.

Justice Roberts not only transposed the word "faithfully" to follow the words "the United States", he also referred to the office of the President "to" the United States rather than "of" the United States.

"All that to say," said Obama. "I wasn’t sure where he was going with the oath and I have to admit that I mixed up some of the words."

The video of the ceremony clearly shows the putative 44th president of the United States actually swearing to execute the office of president of "the number two country next to the United States."

"In all fairness, I guess that does make me President or Prime Minister or something of Canada," said Obama. "Either that or I’m now the Emperor of Mexico. I’m not quite sure which."

Unconfirmed sources report that Chief Justice Roberts’s miscues in administering the oath were not accidental. Apparently outgoing President George W. Bush put him up to it.

Reached at his new home in Dallas, former President Bush initially denied the reports but couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

"OK, OK," said Bush. "I admit it. That Barry guy was so full of himself, I figured it would do him some good if we took him down a peg or two and played a practical joke on him."

Bush and Roberts cooked up their scheme just before last week’s rehearsal. Bush convinced the Chief Justice to go along with the joke and reminded him that no matter what happened, he couldn’t get fired.

"It’s not like he could get sent to the principal’s office or anything," said Bush. "I told Justy that this one was a slam dunk."

Asked why he decided to execute such an elaborate prank, Bush said that it was a matter of tradition.

"I think if you look back in history," said Bush. "You’ll see that every outgoing president does something funny to the new guy. For example, that hound dog Bill Clinton left a stained dress in the Oval Office closet and I hear that Herbert Hoover jimmied the hand brake on Franklin Roosevelt’s wheelchair. "

"It’s all in good fun," said Bush. "Plus, I wanted Barry to see how easy it is to make a mistake when you’re the President. Now he’ll see it’s not so easy being me. Mind you, he still has a way to go to top my record."

W's Diary

W’s Diary - January 20, 2009:

6:00 A.M.
Woke up. Worked out. Went for a quick jog. Another great day as the leader of the free world.
6:30 A.M.
Had breakfast with Laura - eggs Benedict, croissants and some of that delightful Malaysian coffee. Tired of pretending to like flapjacks, pork rinds and chitlins, whatever the heck they are.
7:30 A.M.
Met with staff in Oval Office to ensure everything ready for today’s Inauguration. Don’t want any slipups in ceremony. Called Chief Justice Roberts to make sure he knows the drill.
8:30 A.M.
Phoned those seeking pardons and assured them there’s no rush. Karl seemed a bit agitated but eventually accepted my guarantee that things have been taken care of.
9:30 A.M.
Phoned Dick Cheney and double-checked that Barack Obama still being held at Guantanamo. Chuckled again at the look of surprise on his face yesterday when we enforced Supreme Court order to have him "detained." Funny thing is, the Clintons don’t seem that upset.
10:30 A.M.
Checked with staff that Supreme Court nullified 22nd Amendment just for today. Court agreed everything back to normal tomorrow and that this is only a temporary measure to ensure the terrorists don’t win.
11:30 A.M.
Headed out to the U. S. Capitol for Inauguration ceremony. Thank God I don’t have to retire to that godawful hell-hole of a ranch in Crawford. People don’t appreciate the things I have to do to keep up appearances.
12 Noon
Chief Justice Roberts administered oath of office. Had to help him out with the words. Small price to pay for not appointing eggheads to the bench. Luckily, I now know the oath by heart.
2:30 P.M.
Back at White House. Democracy restored to America. Felt pretty good.
3:30 P.M.
Made tax cuts for the rich permanent and planned for next unilateral invasion of middle eastern country with no weapons of mass destruction.
5:30 P.M.
Had early dinner with Laura. Cancelled Inaugural Ball as symbolic austerity measure in view of widespread suffering among middle class. Let them eat cake, ha ha!
8:30 P.M.
Lights out. Lots of important work to do to keep the world safe for democracy tomorrow. God bless America.

Capitalism's Obituary

WESTERN CAPITALISM: Dead at approx. 300

Western "Free Market" Capitalism died suddenly on December 31st after a brief illness. Mr. Capitalism expired at home on Wall Street surrounded by his immediate family including investors, shareholders and several unsecured debenture owners.

Born sometime in the early 1700s in northern England, Capitalism was nurtured by the Nobility and the Enclosures and embraced by both Entrepreneurs and Industrialists. Thanks to Capitalization and Limited Liability Corporations, Capitalism grew rapidly and achieved great success not only in England but throughout the western world. A lifelong believer in free markets and class exploitation, he was able to employ billions of impoverished workers while at the same time enriching thousands of owners of the means of production.

Mr. Capitalism achieved his greatest successes during America’s Gilded Age of the late 19th century. Through the judicious use of vertically and horizontally-integrated monopolies, he was able to secure untold wealth for his followers who became known as "Capitalists", "Industrialists" and "Robber Barons."

Financial success did not always follow Mr. Capitalism especially during a period called The Great Depression when he was severely ill and, for some years, on life support. Thanks to government intervention and a diet of strict regulation, Capitalism recovered and went on to experience some of his greatest success during the latter part of the previous century.

Sadly, Western Capitalism was not able to learn from his past mistakes and continued to encourage others to profit from a series of so-called Bubbles based on everything from tulips to computers to real estate. His final illness was precipitated by a rash of unduly complicated and severely underfunded investment vehicles. Ultimately and ironically, his final demise was brought on by a severe and prolonged case of greed.

Western Capitalism was predeceased by his parents Feudalism and Serfdom and his estranged sibling Communism. He is survived by his other siblings Socialism, Fascism and Democracy and countless millions of illiquid shareholders and bankrupt corporations.

To honor Mr. Capitalism’s life, Wall Street will close today and will remain closed until further notice. In memoriam donations may be made to the government bailout program of your choice.

Everything's Coming Up Obama

In the midst of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, President-elect Barack Obama is doing all he can to keep the country’s spirits up. He has helped Americans deal with these troubled times through the sheer force of distraction. In particular, it seems that we just can’t get enough about his family’s decision of what kind of puppy to get for The White House.

It turns out that the upcoming canine selection is not just an idle and carefree exercise conducted by America’s First Family. Rather, it is part of a long-term plan to keep Americans occupied with matters cuddly and cute in the face of what could be the nastiest economic downturn in several generations. Recently revealed documentation indicates that there are several stages in "Operation Canine", the first of which has already been put into place, namely the announcement of the acquisition of a First Puppy.

When the timing is right, The White House will let the public know the type of breeds under consideration. If the economy further plummets, that announcement will be followed up quickly with the selection of the actual dog. And if that does not do enough to keep everyone entertained amidst a sea of bad news, the puppy-naming process will begin. If things deteriorate further, Obama may, in fact, exercise the national puppy-naming contest option for maximum amusement and distraction effect.

But "Operation Canine" is not the only federal program that can be used as a feel-good initiative in the face of troubled times. If, for any reason, the new White House puppy dog does not keep citizens sufficiently preoccupied, Obama is apparently prepared to launch "Operation Feline", a multi-stage plan to find what has been called the "cutest little kitty" in the nation.

Realizing that pet acquisition has its limitations, Obama also has under consideration a number of other initiatives with maximum "cuteness" and "ahh-inducing" ratings. In particular, the president-in-waiting has indicated to his advisors that, if things get worse, he will not hesitate to implement "Operation Gumdrops and Hot Chocolate." Within days, the new administration will be in a position to mobilize forces across the country to ensure everyone gets some gumdrops and a nice cup of hot chocolate.

The array of options is staggering. In the unlikely event that gumdrops and hot chocolate do not assuage the American public, look for the rapid deployment of another domestic initiative entitled "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows." Every mailbox in the nation will receive a personalized card bearing a picture of the sun on the front, a rainbow on the back and an actual lollipop inside.

However bad the economy gets, it appears that the new Obama administration is prepared to do whatever it takes to distract Americans from its deleterious effects. Warehouses are already filling up with bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens and millions of brown paper packages tied up with strings. Contacts have reportedly already been made with China at the highest diplomatic levels to ensure a ready supply of baby pandas in the unlikely event that they are needed on an emergency basis. No word yet on whether Michelle Obama has signed on to "Operation New Baby" as the final fail-safe program.

Mutant Federal Agencies

As the Bush-Obama presidential transition reaches its final stages, some frightening and bizarre discoveries have been made by the incoming Administration.

"We all knew about the public side of the Bush Administration," said Obama’s Chief of
Staff Rahm Emanuel. "You know, the various departments and agencies of the federal government that regularly make the news. Organizations like the Department of Defense and the Office of Management and Budget."

However, there appears to be a secret underbelly of government, a grouping of once-active but now seldom-used offices and bureaus. Emanuel’s subordinates have only begun to catalogue the unusual groupings of dormant bureaucrats who have apparently resided in the sewers of Washington, D. C. for the last eight years.

"We often heard stories about agencies of this type," said the Chief of Staff. "Agencies from the last century that supposedly had mandates to help the general public and occasionally even performed useful work."

Early reports indicate that deep below the streets of the nation’s capital live the remains of a department devoted to improving the educational standards of American students.

"We found barely breathing bureaucrats," said Emanuel. "Who whispered strange phrases like ‘second to none’ and ‘more public financing’ and ‘no child left behind.’ Sadly, none of them could recall any details of these long forgotten policies."

Also discovered in Washington’s sewers was something called the State Department where blank-eyed diplomats muttered expressions that sounded like ‘diplomatic relations’, ‘human rights’ and ‘no unilateral invasions.’

"We had heard rumors about strange government bureaucracies like this," said the new Chief of Staff. "But we never thought that they really existed. Apparently there was a time when America actually listened to other countries and even engaged in mutual cooperation."

Perhaps the strangest mutant organization found within the murky sewer waters was something called the Treasury Department.

"I’ve never seen anything like it," said Emanuel. "There were scores of functionaries who apparently once regulated financial institutions to keep them from making crazy investments. And sitting next to them were legions of bureaucrats whose only job was to ensure that the rich actually paid their fair share of taxes."

As the new staff members slog deeper and deeper into Washington’s sewers, they’ve been finding even stranger and less effective agencies.

"Believe it or not," said Emanuel. "We’ve discovered entire government departments that were once devoted to protecting the consumer, the environment and even the health of the nation. Who knows? If we can revive these strange creatures, we may even learn something about how to run a country."

In Defence of the Senate

Almost from the moment of its creation, Canadians have griped and complained about the Senate. It’s not elected. It’s not effective. It’s a patronage dumping ground.

With Prime Minister Harper’s elevation of eighteen new members to the chamber of sober second thought, it might appear that many of those criticisms have merit. However, there are far more reasons why we should keep our second federal legislature just the way it is. Reasons such as:

* Keeps meddlesome people out of the public marketplace where they could likely do much more damage.
* Unites Montreal and Toronto sports fans by rewarding former Leafs and Canadiens players with Senate seats.
* Helps maintain the mainstream media’s overwhelmingly liberal bias by removing the few remaining Conservative TV pundits.
* The Red Chamber would otherwise be of little use except possibly as a Parliamentary daycare. * Avoids the additional public expense of caring for dozens of aging superannuates.
* Keeps at least part of the government out of the messy paws of the proletariat.
* Helps stimulate the national economy in a time of financial crisis.
* Gives Mike Duffy something to strive for.
* Makes for a nice cushy reward for successful party bagmen and bagwomen.
* Eliminates the need to run House of Commons bills through Spellcheck.
* Gives Colin Kenny something to do when not running his tanning salon.
* Saves millions of dollars by avoiding reelection campaigns.
* Reduces the national unemployment rate.
* Helps reward hardworking, right-of-center businesspeople who just couldn’t get a fair break in Canada’s pinko-socialist economy.
* Provides a venue not only for sober second thought but also for thorough triple dipping and quick quadruple moonlighting.
* Allows prime ministers to simultaneously bash patronage appointments and reward party faithful.
* Ensures budget surpluses don’t get out of control.
* Adds extra interesting stop on Parliamentary tours for high school students.
* Provides excellent recruiting ground for new Cabinet members.
* Boosts hotel and restaurant industry in downtown Ottawa.
* Confuses Americans who think we have a real Senate.
* Gives Albertans something to bitch about.
* Doesn’t pester and annoy the electorate with regular elections.
* Puts the "bi" in bicameral legislature.
* Provides extra space for special events like state visits, the opening of Parliament and staff Christmas parties.
* Gives citizens better odds than the lottery - every Canadian has a one in a million chance of getting a Senate seat.

The Night Before Christmas (U. S. Version)

'Twas the night before Christmas in Bush’s White House,
Not a creature was stirring, even Cheney that louse;
The occupants were all in a sad state of grieving,
For in a few weeks, they all would be leaving.

They’d had a good run these neo-con pols,
They’d sold out their country in return for their souls.
Eight years of spending on the rich and connected,
Had bankrupted the nation and just about wrecked it.

First starting with tax cuts for those with too much
Followed by intelligence failures and such.
And then there were wars, one good and one bad,
The one in Iraq was particularly sad.

That was a start for this unusual leader,
For he was no thinker, no planner, no reader.
He ruled with his gut and not with his brain,
And managed to screw up again and again.

But that didn’t stop Mr. Bush from his plan
To reward his old pals whenever he can.
And though he had less than one month to go,
He figured there’s no point in taking things slow.

Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I knew that something was surely the matter.
So I ventured outside to have a quick look,
And to see if I’d find there a thief or a crook.

When, what to my wondering eyes should I view,
But a pork barrel wagon for the elite chosen few.
With a cagey head driver with one true belief,
I knew in a moment it was the Commander in Chief.

More rapid than eagles his right wing friends came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Wolfy! Now, Rumsfeld! Now, Libby and Karl Rove!
On, Condi! On, Cheney! On, Hastert and Snow!
To the top of The White House! to the top of the wall!
Now give away! Give away! Give away all!"

With big corporate handouts to help pave the way,
The President guided the patronage sleigh.
And out to the hustings his gang of friends flew,
With the sleigh full of goodies, and the President too.

George W. managed in the blink of both eyes,
To give away billions to just the right guys.
A bundle of subsidies came tumbling forth,
And oil drilling permits for parkland up north.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His philosophy simple; his speech quite contrary!

Although few days remained in this President’s game,
It was clear that he knew absolutely no shame.
He handed out pardons like candy they said,
And even got rid of the tax on the dead.

A wink of his eye and a slight verbal quirk,
Soon gave me to know what was really at work.
This guy was no dummy, no amiable dunce,
It was just a big cover to fool all the chumps.

And fool them he did wherever he went,
While doling out goodies to those of his bent.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like an Exocet missile.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to some, and to the rest - serves you right."

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House,
Not an MP was sitting, not one single louse.
The country was mired in a frightful recession,
Yet Parliament strangely was no longer in session.

The government was nestled all snug in its bed;
While majority visions still danced in its head;
And the House and the Senate and I in my robe,
Had just settled down for a lengthy prorogue.

When out in the land there arose such a clatter,
I called the PM to see what was the matter.
But he wasn’t worried, he had no more cares,
He simply urged folks to buy even more shares.

So I ventured outside to have a quick look,
And to see if I’d find there a thief or a crook.
When, what to my wondering eyes should I view,
But a new Liberal leader with a slight bluish hue.
He was very substantial, a political biggie,
And he answered at once to the sobriquet Iggy.

More rapid than eagles his cronies they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Manley! Now, Dryden! Now, Rae and Dion!
On, Kennedy! On, Findlay! On, Leblance and Brison!
We’re ready to embark on a grandiose mission,
Although we can’t rule out yet a short coalition."

But the PM was ready to fight this new guy,
He’d already bested Dion and McKay.
So he ordered his minions to lie and to fudge it,
And concocted a brand new federal budget.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the land
The gleeful outstretching of each corporate hand.
As I drew in my breath, and was turning around,
The whole Liberal surplus came tumbling down.

The Prime Minister managed in the blink of both eyes,
To give away billions to just the right guys.
A bundle of bailouts came tumbling forth,
For friends in the east, in the west and the north.
His eyes __ how they squinted! His dimples how scary!
His philosophy simple; his speech quite contrary!

He viewed the world only as friend versus foe,
And told all the naysayers just where they could go.
He knew his opponents were woefully weak,
And a confidence vote they’d surely not seek.

So he suppressed all his urges to lie and to hector,
And promised new money for each corporate sector.
For he knew if he only survived this next vote,
He could carry on sailing the national boat.

A wink of his eye and a slight verbal quirk,
Soon gave me to know what was really at work.
This guy was no dummy, no amiable dunce,
It was just a big cover to fool all the chumps.

And fool them he did wherever he went,
While doling out goodies to those of his bent.
He sprang to his feet, unresigned as of yet,
And took to the skies like a Challenger jet.

But I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
"If Ignatieff wants one, I’ll give him a fight."

Rod's Nuts Nestled In A Legal Vice

Sung to the tune of "The Christmas Song":

My nuts nestled in a legal vice
The A-G knocking at my door
Multiple counts being read by Fitzgerald
A list that’s running to a score

Everybody knows some turkey wants a Senate seat
Who’ll help to grow my bank account
Candidates who are ready to cheat
Will know to bring the right amount

They know that Rod will play for pay
I’m selling lots of extra goodies every day
A Senate seat, a post or two
And they’re all on sale just for you

And so I’m offering just like the Mob
Expecting a little something, too
All I want is some cash or a job
And if not, well, "screw you"