George W. Bush Lobbies Historians

For those wondering what George W. Bush has been up to since leaving office, wonder no more. The former president has been busy preparing an all-out marketing campaign to secure his place in history.

"I know a lot of people have criticized my administration," said Mr. Bush. "Some say that I was the worst U. S. president in history. Personally, I think that’s just not fair."

"Sure, it’s easy to find fault with my record," continued the ex-president. "After all, when I first took office, the Dow was at 10,700, the unemployment rate was 4%, politicians were wondering how to spend a projected one trillion dollar surplus, the Twin Towers were still standing, there was no axis of evil, North Korea was complying with its treaty obligations, Saddam Hussein wasn’t bothering anyone and Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts were known."

"But that’s not necessarily a fair assessment of my time in office," said Mr. Bush. "When you take a gander at some of those other fellows, I think I come out looking pretty good. Well, maybe not pretty good but not as bad as some."

Asked to identify who might rank below him on the list of former presidents, Bush pointed to Warren G. Harding and James Buchanan.

"From what I understand," said Mr. Bush. "Those two guys really sucked. And what about that Harrison guy who died after only one month in office? For sure I was better than him unless you think doing nothing beats my eight-year record."

Apparently Bush’s marketing campaign will center on the fact that he was able to win reelection and serve two full terms.

"Whatever you think about me," said Bush. "I did serve two whole terms so that’s gotta count for something. As far as I’m concerned, that at least qualifies me for the title of worst two-term president of all time. And given LBJ’s withdrawal, Nixon’s resignation and Clinton’s blow job, maybe I’m not even at the bottom of that list."

As with any marketing campaign, Bush’s upcoming effort will have a fall-back position.
"If historians don’t want to call me the worst two-term president of all time," said Bush. "Then maybe they can at least consider the alternative, namely the third best president of the 21st century. Trust me; I can live with that."

Phelps Retracts

In a surprise about-face, Michael Phelps has retracted his recent public apology. Upon further reflection, it appears that the Olympic gold medallist was not sorry at all about getting caught smoking pot.

"I’ve had some time to think about it," said Phelps. "And I’ve decided that it was hypocritical of me to apologize for taking a couple of hits off a bong. The long and the short of it is, I like smoking pot."

It turns out, however, that the champion swimmer may have had another reason to backtrack on his earlier mea culpa. Questioned about his current endorsement contracts, Phelps was initially somewhat circumspect about discussing details.

"I’m sorry that Kellogg’s no longer wants to have me as their spokesman," he said. "But, let’s just say, I’ve recently managed to snag a few lucrative deals to replace them."

Inside sources have revealed that Phelps will soon be the public face of a whole slew of edible products from Cheetos to Oreos to Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

"I can’t really comment until the deals have been finalized," said Phelps. "But you have to admit that they all make a perfect fit with my newly-revealed lifestyle."

Negotiations are also ongoing with other makers of consumer products such asApple’s iTunes, Zig Zag rolling papers and an undisclosed Chinese manufacturer of lava lamps.

"Quite frankly," said Phelps. "I hadn’t really thought through the upside of me just being me. Sure, I like corn flakes but not that much. At least not until I put some chocolate sprinkles and mini-marshmallows on them and I’ve had a toke or two, if you know what I mean."

Preliminary discussions have reportedly also begun with manufacturers of various speciality products.

"Until all this apology business happened," said Phelps. "I would never have considered endorsing some things. Take Visine, for example. I’m a competitive swimmer, you know, and swimming pools are full of chlorinated water. Who better than a champion swimmer to endorse something to get the red out?"

No word yet on any offers from Betty Crocker brownie mix.

Washington Valentines 2009

It’s Valentine’s Day and millions of folks will be giving one another cards, including America’s political leaders. Here’s a sneak peek at some of this year’s offerings:

Rod Blagojevich to Oprah Winfrey
They say I’m really guilty,
They say I’ve been impeached.
I wish that I had offered you,
That vacant Senate seat.
Visit me in jail, Valentine?

Dick Cheney to George W. Bush
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
From the no-bid contracts
To the unencumbered power,
You gave me eight wonderful years
I never would have known.
I’m glad we picked you in 2000, Valentine.

George W. Bush to Barack Obama
Sorry ‘bout the national debt,
Afghanistan, Iraq.
But now they all belong to you,
And I won’t take then back.
Thanks new guy Valentine.

Barack Obama to Joe Biden
I really, really like you,
You are my special friend.
But if you won’t shut up dear Joe,
Our friendship’s at an end.
Please be my quiet Valentine.

Sarah Palin to John McCain
Roses are red,
The campaign is through.
The next time I run,
It’ll be without you.
You betcha, Valentine!

John Edwards to Elizabeth Edwards
I’m sorry that I cheated,
And for my indiscretions.
At least I always wait until
Your cancer’s in remission.
Sorry about that, Valentine.

Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama
I wanted to be President,
But I lost and that is sad.
But despite what Bill is saying,
Secretary’s not so bad.
See you in 2012, Valentine.

Bill Clinton to Hillary Clinton
My luve’s like a White, White House
That’s vacant in four years.
My luve’s like a yearning
That’s still unmet, I fear.
If fair thou art, my darling wife
You’ll surely let me try
To help you win the Presidency
And be the first First Guy.
Please be my co-executive Valentine.

Rampaging Stimulus Package

In the first major test of his presidency, Barack Obama was today faced with the aftermath of a giant stimulus package that has decimated the American heartland. In an evening television broadcast, the President addressed the nation:

It is with a heavy heart that I speak to you tonight in the wake of this terrible tragedy. It appears that the financial stimulus package that I helped to create has mutated into a dangerous creature that has devastated all areas of the country.

Reports are still streaming in but it is now clear that no region has been untouched by this giant financial instrument. Banks in every corner of our land have reportedly gorged themselves on the package’s unrestricted lending provisions, leaving them so bloated that they are unable to issue credit to ordinary Americans.

This terrible monster has also affected virtually every state in the Union with its unexpected add-ons, earmarks and pork barrel grants. Instead of issuing funds to stimulate the economy, this horrible creature has dumped untold billions of dollars on useless projects wherever federal legislators reside.

When I first introduced the package to the Congress, I assure you that it was a benign creature whose only intention was to boost the economy in a fair and non-partisan fashion. But unfortunately, by the time it had travelled from the House to the Senate and back, it had somehow grown to a gigantic, unwieldy, mutated hodge-podge of patronage spending.

Once the creature reached my desk for signature, I have to admit that I was afraid to challenge it. Given its width, breadth and strength, I knew a mere veto would not have been enough to strike it down.

Frankly, I feared for the consequences. Yet I hoped against hope that if I released this monster into the land, at least some good would come of its myriad provisions. Now I know I was wrong.
My fellow Americans, there is little we can do now to halt the destructive path of this financial monster. Sadly, we have no choice but to let it do its worst and eventually it will deplete itself and fade away. But until it does, we must quickly take measures to repair the damage done by creating a new, better, more efficient stimulus package.

I urge you and Congress to work with me to try once more to give away more billions to help truly heal our financially troubled nation. With your help, maybe - just maybe - we can get it right this time. After all, as they say, third time’s a charm.

Vice Presidential Jeopardy

After the recent Presidential Inauguration, we all know what happens to the political winners. But what of the losers? Where do they go? Apparently some end up on a politically-themed edition of the quiz show Jeopardy:

ALEX TREBEK: Hello and welcome to a special Vice Presidential losers edition of Jeopardy. All week, you know that we’ve pitted different unsuccessful Vice Presidential candidates against each other in several hard-fought elimination rounds. Some of the candidates like Bob Dole and Jack Kemp failed to advance likely due to creeping senility. Others like Joe Lieberman and Geraldine Ferraro played great games but ultimately fell short. And some like Walter Mondale and Edmund Muskie were less successful probably due to the fact that they’re dead. All of that to say our three remaining contestants in the championship round are Sarah Palin, John Edwards and Dan Quayle. Sarah, the first selection goes to you.
SARAH PALIN: You betcha, Alex. I’ll take "Swords" for $100.
ALEX TREBEK: That’s "S-words", Sarah. Anyway, the answer is: "One of two directional indicators that forms the first word in the name of two U. S. states." Sarah?
SARAH PALIN: What is "down", Alex?
ALEX TREBEK: No, I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Dan Quayle?
DAN QUAYLE: What is "west"?
ALEX TREBEK: No, that’s not right. John?
JOHN EDWARDS: As a former two-term senator and longtime resident of the great state of North Carolina, I’d like to say: "What is "south", Alex?" And, by the way, Rielle Hunter’s baby is not mine.
ALEX TREBEK: That is correct and please phrase your answer in the form of a question and refrain from extraneous political asides. John, you have control of the board.
JOHN EDWARDS: Alex, I’ll take "Alaska" for $300.
ALEX TREBEK: OK, the answer is: "This country has a contiguous land border with Alaska." I believe Sarah buzzed in first.
SARAH PALIN: "What is Russia with Putin rearing his head over the horizon and all?"
ALEX TREBEK: No, that’s wrong. Dan?
DAN QUAYLE: I’ll take "Different spellings of potato" for $200, Alex.
ALEX TREBEK: No, Dan. You were supposed to provide a question for the last....oh, never mind. John?
JOHN EDWARDS: Seriously, like Michael Jackson said, the kid is not my son. I don’t even know anyone named Rielle.
ALEX TREBEK: No, no, no. The correct response, if anyone cares, is " What is Canada?" Before we do any more damage, I’m going to stop this contest, declare John Edwards the winner with a grand total of $100 and pour myself a tumbler full of Scotch. Good night.

An Obama Hosanna

Inauguration Day is over but America still hasn’t recovered from the Obama investiture. From the array of celebrity sightings to the wealth of reported miracles, observers agree that this was the greatest presidential inauguration ceremony since Millard Fillmore took the oath of office on July 10, 1850 after Zachary Taylor kicked the bucket.

For days before the inaugural, Washington was wall-to-wall celebrities. Everyone who is anyone was there - Hollywood stars, political bigwigs and the remaining captains of industry. From Alan Alda to Pia Zadora, the rich and famous flocked to the nation’s capital to catch a glimpse of history in the making.

And no one was disappointed. Although the newly inducted 44th president denied that anything special happened, reports from hundreds of people who were there strongly suggest otherwise.
"It was truly astonishing," said pint-sized, D-lister Gary Coleman. "I was standing there with a million other people for hours without so much as a Tic-Tac to eat. And then Obama shows up, someone passes him a couple of loaves of bread and two or three fish and the next thing you know we’ve all got a Filet-O-Fish sandwich. I’m not one to throw words around casually but that was an honest-to-God miracle"

If other reports can be believed, the feeding of the masses was the least of the miracles that occurred that day. Warren Buffet, for one, had to be briefly hospitalized after viewing the most miraculous event of his lengthy and event-filled life.

"It’s not something I would have believed unless I had been there," said the elderly uber-investor. "But I swear it’s true. It was a Tuesday and the Dow opened down fifty points and eventually closed down almost 200 points. But for a few minutes after Obama was sworn in, the Dow jumped a thousand points. Others claim it didn’t happen but I saw the big board and it was truly amazing."

But the most amazing miracle of all occurred just as Barack Obama took the oath of office. More than one attendee swears that as the new president spoke the final words of the oath, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King and Jesus Christ appeared beside him on the podium.

"I recognized the first two guys," said inaugural invocation presenter Pastor Rick Warren. "But that third guy didn’t look like Jesus at all. After all, he was black and kind of effeminate."

Obama Flubs Oath

In a surprising and unexpected development, President-elect Barack Obama flubbed the oath of office on Tuesday and has now inadvertently become the Prime Minister of Canada.

"I thought I knew that darned thing by heart," said Obama. "But then Chief Justice Roberts started playing around with the words and I just got confused.

Justice Roberts not only transposed the word "faithfully" to follow the words "the United States", he also referred to the office of the President "to" the United States rather than "of" the United States.

"All that to say," said Obama. "I wasn’t sure where he was going with the oath and I have to admit that I mixed up some of the words."

The video of the ceremony clearly shows the putative 44th president of the United States actually swearing to execute the office of president of "the number two country next to the United States."

"In all fairness, I guess that does make me President or Prime Minister or something of Canada," said Obama. "Either that or I’m now the Emperor of Mexico. I’m not quite sure which."

Unconfirmed sources report that Chief Justice Roberts’s miscues in administering the oath were not accidental. Apparently outgoing President George W. Bush put him up to it.

Reached at his new home in Dallas, former President Bush initially denied the reports but couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

"OK, OK," said Bush. "I admit it. That Barry guy was so full of himself, I figured it would do him some good if we took him down a peg or two and played a practical joke on him."

Bush and Roberts cooked up their scheme just before last week’s rehearsal. Bush convinced the Chief Justice to go along with the joke and reminded him that no matter what happened, he couldn’t get fired.

"It’s not like he could get sent to the principal’s office or anything," said Bush. "I told Justy that this one was a slam dunk."

Asked why he decided to execute such an elaborate prank, Bush said that it was a matter of tradition.

"I think if you look back in history," said Bush. "You’ll see that every outgoing president does something funny to the new guy. For example, that hound dog Bill Clinton left a stained dress in the Oval Office closet and I hear that Herbert Hoover jimmied the hand brake on Franklin Roosevelt’s wheelchair. "

"It’s all in good fun," said Bush. "Plus, I wanted Barry to see how easy it is to make a mistake when you’re the President. Now he’ll see it’s not so easy being me. Mind you, he still has a way to go to top my record."

W's Diary

W’s Diary - January 20, 2009:

6:00 A.M.
Woke up. Worked out. Went for a quick jog. Another great day as the leader of the free world.
6:30 A.M.
Had breakfast with Laura - eggs Benedict, croissants and some of that delightful Malaysian coffee. Tired of pretending to like flapjacks, pork rinds and chitlins, whatever the heck they are.
7:30 A.M.
Met with staff in Oval Office to ensure everything ready for today’s Inauguration. Don’t want any slipups in ceremony. Called Chief Justice Roberts to make sure he knows the drill.
8:30 A.M.
Phoned those seeking pardons and assured them there’s no rush. Karl seemed a bit agitated but eventually accepted my guarantee that things have been taken care of.
9:30 A.M.
Phoned Dick Cheney and double-checked that Barack Obama still being held at Guantanamo. Chuckled again at the look of surprise on his face yesterday when we enforced Supreme Court order to have him "detained." Funny thing is, the Clintons don’t seem that upset.
10:30 A.M.
Checked with staff that Supreme Court nullified 22nd Amendment just for today. Court agreed everything back to normal tomorrow and that this is only a temporary measure to ensure the terrorists don’t win.
11:30 A.M.
Headed out to the U. S. Capitol for Inauguration ceremony. Thank God I don’t have to retire to that godawful hell-hole of a ranch in Crawford. People don’t appreciate the things I have to do to keep up appearances.
12 Noon
Chief Justice Roberts administered oath of office. Had to help him out with the words. Small price to pay for not appointing eggheads to the bench. Luckily, I now know the oath by heart.
2:30 P.M.
Back at White House. Democracy restored to America. Felt pretty good.
3:30 P.M.
Made tax cuts for the rich permanent and planned for next unilateral invasion of middle eastern country with no weapons of mass destruction.
5:30 P.M.
Had early dinner with Laura. Cancelled Inaugural Ball as symbolic austerity measure in view of widespread suffering among middle class. Let them eat cake, ha ha!
8:30 P.M.
Lights out. Lots of important work to do to keep the world safe for democracy tomorrow. God bless America.

Capitalism's Obituary

WESTERN CAPITALISM: Dead at approx. 300

Western "Free Market" Capitalism died suddenly on December 31st after a brief illness. Mr. Capitalism expired at home on Wall Street surrounded by his immediate family including investors, shareholders and several unsecured debenture owners.

Born sometime in the early 1700s in northern England, Capitalism was nurtured by the Nobility and the Enclosures and embraced by both Entrepreneurs and Industrialists. Thanks to Capitalization and Limited Liability Corporations, Capitalism grew rapidly and achieved great success not only in England but throughout the western world. A lifelong believer in free markets and class exploitation, he was able to employ billions of impoverished workers while at the same time enriching thousands of owners of the means of production.

Mr. Capitalism achieved his greatest successes during America’s Gilded Age of the late 19th century. Through the judicious use of vertically and horizontally-integrated monopolies, he was able to secure untold wealth for his followers who became known as "Capitalists", "Industrialists" and "Robber Barons."

Financial success did not always follow Mr. Capitalism especially during a period called The Great Depression when he was severely ill and, for some years, on life support. Thanks to government intervention and a diet of strict regulation, Capitalism recovered and went on to experience some of his greatest success during the latter part of the previous century.

Sadly, Western Capitalism was not able to learn from his past mistakes and continued to encourage others to profit from a series of so-called Bubbles based on everything from tulips to computers to real estate. His final illness was precipitated by a rash of unduly complicated and severely underfunded investment vehicles. Ultimately and ironically, his final demise was brought on by a severe and prolonged case of greed.

Western Capitalism was predeceased by his parents Feudalism and Serfdom and his estranged sibling Communism. He is survived by his other siblings Socialism, Fascism and Democracy and countless millions of illiquid shareholders and bankrupt corporations.

To honor Mr. Capitalism’s life, Wall Street will close today and will remain closed until further notice. In memoriam donations may be made to the government bailout program of your choice.

Everything's Coming Up Obama

In the midst of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, President-elect Barack Obama is doing all he can to keep the country’s spirits up. He has helped Americans deal with these troubled times through the sheer force of distraction. In particular, it seems that we just can’t get enough about his family’s decision of what kind of puppy to get for The White House.

It turns out that the upcoming canine selection is not just an idle and carefree exercise conducted by America’s First Family. Rather, it is part of a long-term plan to keep Americans occupied with matters cuddly and cute in the face of what could be the nastiest economic downturn in several generations. Recently revealed documentation indicates that there are several stages in "Operation Canine", the first of which has already been put into place, namely the announcement of the acquisition of a First Puppy.

When the timing is right, The White House will let the public know the type of breeds under consideration. If the economy further plummets, that announcement will be followed up quickly with the selection of the actual dog. And if that does not do enough to keep everyone entertained amidst a sea of bad news, the puppy-naming process will begin. If things deteriorate further, Obama may, in fact, exercise the national puppy-naming contest option for maximum amusement and distraction effect.

But "Operation Canine" is not the only federal program that can be used as a feel-good initiative in the face of troubled times. If, for any reason, the new White House puppy dog does not keep citizens sufficiently preoccupied, Obama is apparently prepared to launch "Operation Feline", a multi-stage plan to find what has been called the "cutest little kitty" in the nation.

Realizing that pet acquisition has its limitations, Obama also has under consideration a number of other initiatives with maximum "cuteness" and "ahh-inducing" ratings. In particular, the president-in-waiting has indicated to his advisors that, if things get worse, he will not hesitate to implement "Operation Gumdrops and Hot Chocolate." Within days, the new administration will be in a position to mobilize forces across the country to ensure everyone gets some gumdrops and a nice cup of hot chocolate.

The array of options is staggering. In the unlikely event that gumdrops and hot chocolate do not assuage the American public, look for the rapid deployment of another domestic initiative entitled "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows." Every mailbox in the nation will receive a personalized card bearing a picture of the sun on the front, a rainbow on the back and an actual lollipop inside.

However bad the economy gets, it appears that the new Obama administration is prepared to do whatever it takes to distract Americans from its deleterious effects. Warehouses are already filling up with bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens and millions of brown paper packages tied up with strings. Contacts have reportedly already been made with China at the highest diplomatic levels to ensure a ready supply of baby pandas in the unlikely event that they are needed on an emergency basis. No word yet on whether Michelle Obama has signed on to "Operation New Baby" as the final fail-safe program.

Mutant Federal Agencies

As the Bush-Obama presidential transition reaches its final stages, some frightening and bizarre discoveries have been made by the incoming Administration.

"We all knew about the public side of the Bush Administration," said Obama’s Chief of
Staff Rahm Emanuel. "You know, the various departments and agencies of the federal government that regularly make the news. Organizations like the Department of Defense and the Office of Management and Budget."

However, there appears to be a secret underbelly of government, a grouping of once-active but now seldom-used offices and bureaus. Emanuel’s subordinates have only begun to catalogue the unusual groupings of dormant bureaucrats who have apparently resided in the sewers of Washington, D. C. for the last eight years.

"We often heard stories about agencies of this type," said the Chief of Staff. "Agencies from the last century that supposedly had mandates to help the general public and occasionally even performed useful work."

Early reports indicate that deep below the streets of the nation’s capital live the remains of a department devoted to improving the educational standards of American students.

"We found barely breathing bureaucrats," said Emanuel. "Who whispered strange phrases like ‘second to none’ and ‘more public financing’ and ‘no child left behind.’ Sadly, none of them could recall any details of these long forgotten policies."

Also discovered in Washington’s sewers was something called the State Department where blank-eyed diplomats muttered expressions that sounded like ‘diplomatic relations’, ‘human rights’ and ‘no unilateral invasions.’

"We had heard rumors about strange government bureaucracies like this," said the new Chief of Staff. "But we never thought that they really existed. Apparently there was a time when America actually listened to other countries and even engaged in mutual cooperation."

Perhaps the strangest mutant organization found within the murky sewer waters was something called the Treasury Department.

"I’ve never seen anything like it," said Emanuel. "There were scores of functionaries who apparently once regulated financial institutions to keep them from making crazy investments. And sitting next to them were legions of bureaucrats whose only job was to ensure that the rich actually paid their fair share of taxes."

As the new staff members slog deeper and deeper into Washington’s sewers, they’ve been finding even stranger and less effective agencies.

"Believe it or not," said Emanuel. "We’ve discovered entire government departments that were once devoted to protecting the consumer, the environment and even the health of the nation. Who knows? If we can revive these strange creatures, we may even learn something about how to run a country."

In Defence of the Senate

Almost from the moment of its creation, Canadians have griped and complained about the Senate. It’s not elected. It’s not effective. It’s a patronage dumping ground.

With Prime Minister Harper’s elevation of eighteen new members to the chamber of sober second thought, it might appear that many of those criticisms have merit. However, there are far more reasons why we should keep our second federal legislature just the way it is. Reasons such as:

* Keeps meddlesome people out of the public marketplace where they could likely do much more damage.
* Unites Montreal and Toronto sports fans by rewarding former Leafs and Canadiens players with Senate seats.
* Helps maintain the mainstream media’s overwhelmingly liberal bias by removing the few remaining Conservative TV pundits.
* The Red Chamber would otherwise be of little use except possibly as a Parliamentary daycare. * Avoids the additional public expense of caring for dozens of aging superannuates.
* Keeps at least part of the government out of the messy paws of the proletariat.
* Helps stimulate the national economy in a time of financial crisis.
* Gives Mike Duffy something to strive for.
* Makes for a nice cushy reward for successful party bagmen and bagwomen.
* Eliminates the need to run House of Commons bills through Spellcheck.
* Gives Colin Kenny something to do when not running his tanning salon.
* Saves millions of dollars by avoiding reelection campaigns.
* Reduces the national unemployment rate.
* Helps reward hardworking, right-of-center businesspeople who just couldn’t get a fair break in Canada’s pinko-socialist economy.
* Provides a venue not only for sober second thought but also for thorough triple dipping and quick quadruple moonlighting.
* Allows prime ministers to simultaneously bash patronage appointments and reward party faithful.
* Ensures budget surpluses don’t get out of control.
* Adds extra interesting stop on Parliamentary tours for high school students.
* Provides excellent recruiting ground for new Cabinet members.
* Boosts hotel and restaurant industry in downtown Ottawa.
* Confuses Americans who think we have a real Senate.
* Gives Albertans something to bitch about.
* Doesn’t pester and annoy the electorate with regular elections.
* Puts the "bi" in bicameral legislature.
* Provides extra space for special events like state visits, the opening of Parliament and staff Christmas parties.
* Gives citizens better odds than the lottery - every Canadian has a one in a million chance of getting a Senate seat.

The Night Before Christmas (U. S. Version)

'Twas the night before Christmas in Bush’s White House,
Not a creature was stirring, even Cheney that louse;
The occupants were all in a sad state of grieving,
For in a few weeks, they all would be leaving.

They’d had a good run these neo-con pols,
They’d sold out their country in return for their souls.
Eight years of spending on the rich and connected,
Had bankrupted the nation and just about wrecked it.

First starting with tax cuts for those with too much
Followed by intelligence failures and such.
And then there were wars, one good and one bad,
The one in Iraq was particularly sad.

That was a start for this unusual leader,
For he was no thinker, no planner, no reader.
He ruled with his gut and not with his brain,
And managed to screw up again and again.

But that didn’t stop Mr. Bush from his plan
To reward his old pals whenever he can.
And though he had less than one month to go,
He figured there’s no point in taking things slow.

Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I knew that something was surely the matter.
So I ventured outside to have a quick look,
And to see if I’d find there a thief or a crook.

When, what to my wondering eyes should I view,
But a pork barrel wagon for the elite chosen few.
With a cagey head driver with one true belief,
I knew in a moment it was the Commander in Chief.

More rapid than eagles his right wing friends came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Wolfy! Now, Rumsfeld! Now, Libby and Karl Rove!
On, Condi! On, Cheney! On, Hastert and Snow!
To the top of The White House! to the top of the wall!
Now give away! Give away! Give away all!"

With big corporate handouts to help pave the way,
The President guided the patronage sleigh.
And out to the hustings his gang of friends flew,
With the sleigh full of goodies, and the President too.

George W. managed in the blink of both eyes,
To give away billions to just the right guys.
A bundle of subsidies came tumbling forth,
And oil drilling permits for parkland up north.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His philosophy simple; his speech quite contrary!

Although few days remained in this President’s game,
It was clear that he knew absolutely no shame.
He handed out pardons like candy they said,
And even got rid of the tax on the dead.

A wink of his eye and a slight verbal quirk,
Soon gave me to know what was really at work.
This guy was no dummy, no amiable dunce,
It was just a big cover to fool all the chumps.

And fool them he did wherever he went,
While doling out goodies to those of his bent.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like an Exocet missile.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to some, and to the rest - serves you right."

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House,
Not an MP was sitting, not one single louse.
The country was mired in a frightful recession,
Yet Parliament strangely was no longer in session.

The government was nestled all snug in its bed;
While majority visions still danced in its head;
And the House and the Senate and I in my robe,
Had just settled down for a lengthy prorogue.

When out in the land there arose such a clatter,
I called the PM to see what was the matter.
But he wasn’t worried, he had no more cares,
He simply urged folks to buy even more shares.

So I ventured outside to have a quick look,
And to see if I’d find there a thief or a crook.
When, what to my wondering eyes should I view,
But a new Liberal leader with a slight bluish hue.
He was very substantial, a political biggie,
And he answered at once to the sobriquet Iggy.

More rapid than eagles his cronies they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Manley! Now, Dryden! Now, Rae and Dion!
On, Kennedy! On, Findlay! On, Leblance and Brison!
We’re ready to embark on a grandiose mission,
Although we can’t rule out yet a short coalition."

But the PM was ready to fight this new guy,
He’d already bested Dion and McKay.
So he ordered his minions to lie and to fudge it,
And concocted a brand new federal budget.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the land
The gleeful outstretching of each corporate hand.
As I drew in my breath, and was turning around,
The whole Liberal surplus came tumbling down.

The Prime Minister managed in the blink of both eyes,
To give away billions to just the right guys.
A bundle of bailouts came tumbling forth,
For friends in the east, in the west and the north.
His eyes __ how they squinted! His dimples how scary!
His philosophy simple; his speech quite contrary!

He viewed the world only as friend versus foe,
And told all the naysayers just where they could go.
He knew his opponents were woefully weak,
And a confidence vote they’d surely not seek.

So he suppressed all his urges to lie and to hector,
And promised new money for each corporate sector.
For he knew if he only survived this next vote,
He could carry on sailing the national boat.

A wink of his eye and a slight verbal quirk,
Soon gave me to know what was really at work.
This guy was no dummy, no amiable dunce,
It was just a big cover to fool all the chumps.

And fool them he did wherever he went,
While doling out goodies to those of his bent.
He sprang to his feet, unresigned as of yet,
And took to the skies like a Challenger jet.

But I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
"If Ignatieff wants one, I’ll give him a fight."

Rod's Nuts Nestled In A Legal Vice

Sung to the tune of "The Christmas Song":

My nuts nestled in a legal vice
The A-G knocking at my door
Multiple counts being read by Fitzgerald
A list that’s running to a score

Everybody knows some turkey wants a Senate seat
Who’ll help to grow my bank account
Candidates who are ready to cheat
Will know to bring the right amount

They know that Rod will play for pay
I’m selling lots of extra goodies every day
A Senate seat, a post or two
And they’re all on sale just for you

And so I’m offering just like the Mob
Expecting a little something, too
All I want is some cash or a job
And if not, well, "screw you"

A Not-so-secret Santa

In a shocking development, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested on corruption charges. The 51-year old Democrat has been charged with effectively trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder.

The transcripts of numerous wiretapped conversations seem to suggest that Mr. Blagojevich was looking for a cushy appointment for himself or his wife in return for the Senate appointment. According to the criminal complaint, he said that he wanted to make $250,000 to $300,000 a year.

As it turns out, according to Gov. Blagojevich, all of this is just a simple misunderstanding.
"I wish the federal prosecutors had just come and talked to me," said the Illinois governor. "I could have easily explained all this and saved them the bother of going to court."

Apparently what the authorities heard on their wiretaps was nothing more than innocent conversations about the upcoming seasonal festivities in the governor’s mansion in Springfield.
"Look, I know it looks bad," said Blagojevich. "But those conversations are all taken out of context. Every year about this time, I call up various friends and acquaintances and invite them to my annual Christmas party."

"At the same time," continued the governor. "I ask them what they’d like for Christmas and I sometimes let it slip what I might like, too. But just because my Christmas wish list might include an ambassadorship or two or maybe even a Cabinet position doesn’t mean that I was ever looking to trade for a Senate appointment."

"Heck, if I wanted to make a lot of money, I would have just appointed myself to the Senate," said Blagojevich. "But that’s not what I’m all about. This is the season for giving and, when it comes to giving, I never stop."

Asked about his recorded threat to withhold state assistance to the Tribune Company unless the editorial board of the Chicago Tribune was fired, Blagojevich laughed and dismissed the allegation as baseless.

"I’ve got nothing against editorial board members," he said. "Why, some of my best friends are editorial board members although I can’t think of their names at the moment."

Mr. Blagojevich stated that his biggest regret about the entire misunderstanding is that it had apparently scared off the person who had picked his name this year to be the governor’s secret Santa.

"It’s really disappointing," said Blagojevich. "Now I’ll never know if I was going to get that brand new union post I’ve always wanted or maybe that shiny corporate directorship I’ve had my eye on. That Fitzgerald guy is a real Scrooge, if you ask me."

How The Grinch Stole Democracy

Every Member in Parliament liked democracy a lot,
But the Grinch who was leader of the Conservative Party did not.
The Grinch hated democracy, the one man, one vote-version.
Now, please don’t ask why. He just had an aversion.

It could be he hated to give up control.
Some say it’s just that he had no real soul.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, his soul or control,
He stood there near Christmas hating each pol.
For years he’d been wanting not half but the whole,
To augment his new prime ministerial role.

But try as he might with each electoral speech,
A majority of seats was just out of his reach.
But then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful awful idea!
"I know just what to do!

With a top hat and coat and an electoral trick,
They’ll all surely mistake me for good old Saint Nick.
With a sleigh full of presents or maybe a luge,
They’ll never suspect that I’m really a scrooge."

Then he hollered and yelled for his little dog Jim.
If he needed someone to deceive it twas him.
For Jim was adept at presenting news grim.
"But make sure you slip in a coal lump or two,"
Said the Grinch with his sweater of bright Tory blue.

One of those lumps was no stimulus plan,
Despite the financial crisis that enveloped the land.
The other it seemed was quite minor at first,
But turned out in the end to be quite the worst.

The Grinch had a proposal he thought surely would float,
Whereby parties got nothing for each citizen’s vote.
He figured the others too weak to resist,
And without all that funding, they couldn’t exist.

So the Grinch waited patiently to hear the death throes,
Of the political parties about to let go.
But the sound that he’d now been longing to hear,
Wasn’t heard at all it became perfectly clear.

Instead what he heard ringing out from the House,
Was a joyous eruption, not the sounds of a mouse.
For the parties had screwed up their courage at last,
And decided to banish the Grinch to the past.

And the Grinch with his hidden agenda revealed.
Began to claim that perhaps he’d been healed.
"Maybe a minority is simply just that,"
Said the Grinch whose heart grew perhaps just a tat.

"Perhaps it’s not right to be Machiavellian,
Since the result is quite often simply Orwellian.
I think I can change with a wink and a smile,
But if the parties screw up, then I’m here for awhile."

Dear Michaëlle

An occasional advice column for the constitutionally forlorn:

Dear Michaëlle,
I’m a 49-year old male who likes quiet walks, romantic getaways and insatiable amounts of political power. I’ve had some luck with relationships but, no matter what I try, I can never seem to get a lasting commitment. I recently came very close to having it all and, if the truth be told, I decided to carry on as if I did. Now it appears that instead of achieving true political love, I may be in for the biggest heartbreak of my life. What can I do to avoid this fate?
A Blue, Blue Tory

Dear Blue Tory,
Maybe your desire to have it all right away is getting in the way of a secure, lasting relationship. Have you considered talking to the other party? Relationships are all about communication, trust and, most of all, confidence. If you don’t have the other party’s confidence, you’re surely doomed to fail. Why not ask your potential partner for a timeout until, say, the end of January and see what happens then? If you try a little re-budgeting, you might just find that you can achieve true love after all.
Michaëlle Jean

Dear Michaëlle,
I am a 55-year old former professor and for years, I sought a stable, one-party relationship. That’s all I ever dreamed of but, alas, it apparently was not meant to be. In fact, I even recently decided to take a break from all this. But then something magical happened. I was approached by two other parties who proposed that we have a three-way relationship. This is all very new for me and, frankly, I’m a bit scared and a little unsure of my political identity. What should I do?
A Formerly Liberal Guy

Dear Former Liberal,
In this modern age, don’t be afraid to explore new forms of relationships. Be careful, though. When you’re entering into a tryst with more than one party, the number of ways that things can go wrong increases exponentially. Although it doesn’t sound very romantic, I strongly recommend that you sit down with the other parties and put your expectations in writing. Who knows? If you come to an agreement, you may have a strong, long-lasting relationship, one that might even last well into the next year.
Michaëlle Jean

Dear Michaëlle,
Honestly, I’ve never been happier. At 58 years of age, I had pretty much given up on my lifelong dream of becoming a leader or even sharing power with someone. But then, out of the blue, this party that, up until now never had the time of day for me, suddenly wants to get really close. Needless to say, I’m thrilled. But why is this other party using unromantic language like "coalition" and "alliance"? I really want to make this relationship work but I’m afraid of getting hurt again.
A Dapper Dipper

Dear Dapper Dipper,
As Tennyson once said: "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." If you want to be a leader, you have to take some risks. Just think of where you’ll be if you don’t take this chance. Probably stuck as a perpetual third wheel in the parliament of life. Even if this romance crashes and burns, you will still have had a taste of that wonderful feeling that comes from having power. Reach for the brass ring and the consequences be damned. After all, at your age, you may never have an opportunity like this again.
Michaëlle Jean

Dear Michaëlle,
As a 61-year old Quebecker, I continue to spend half my time in this crazy backwater called Ottawa. I can’t complain too much since I never lack for companionship. But I can never seem to form a stable, long-term relationship with any other party. Everyone wants to sleep with me but no one will be seen with me in public. Lately, I’m even asked to engage in three-ways and other kinky arrangements. It’s not so bad since I’m not even expected to be totally faithful but I must admit I feel used. Should I turn them all down and return to my first, true sovereign love?
A Lonely Quebecer

Dear Lonely Quebecer,
Methinks you doth protest too much. It seems that you are getting just about everything you want without having to take on any responsibilities. At your age, you should enjoy all the attention and forget about your true sovereign love. Vote with your head and not with your heart and you’ll continue to do just fine.
Michaëlle Jean

A Team Of Rivals

With each passing day of President-elect Obama’s transition period, it’s becoming more and more clear that he is determined to create a so-called "team of rivals." Modelled on Abraham Lincoln’s antebellum Cabinet, Obama’s new team includes not only intra-party rivals like Hillary Clinton and Bill Richardson but even holdovers from the current Bush administration like Defense Secretary Robert Gates. But rumor has it that Obama intends to go further than Lincoln ever did, much further as evidenced by these upcoming rumored choices:

Bill Clinton
The former President has reportedly been approached to accept a new White House position: Alpha Dog. Given Mr. Clinton’s past experience in the field of domestic affairs, he is expected to become Washington’s new Prince of Philandering, a veritable King of the Couch. For all matters sexual, Obama subordinates can look to the new Alpha Dog for answers.

John McCain
There is definitely no love lost between these fierce campaign rivals. Yet Barack Obama has already met with the aging Arizona senator with a view to smoothing over their differences. Those present at that meeting report that Obama offered McCain the official new White House position of Grumpy Old Man. "When the neighborhood kids throw a ball on the White House lawn or some young paperboy makes an errant throw," said Obama. "It’ll be John’s job to scare them off with a harsh word or two."

George W. Bush
Like most new presidents, Barack Obama wants to seek advice and counsel from former occupants of the office. Unlike most of this predecessors, however, Obama also needs a diversion in these troubled economic times. That’s why he’s asking George W. Bush to stay on in The White House as the new Chief Fool and Court Jester. Whenever things go awry, Obama hopes to present Mr. Bush in public and remind Americans how much worse things could be.

Dick Cheney
Actually, President-elect Obama hasn’t offered the former Vice President a formal position in his Administration. Instead, he has unilaterally appointed Mr. Cheney to be the head of the Guantanamo Bay military prison dismantling team. Before commencing work, however, Mr. Cheney apparently has been directed to personally inspect and occupy the premises for two to four years.

Sarah Palin
Given the increasing diplomatic tensions with Russia of late, the President-elect is hoping to rely on any available expertise in international relations. To that end, Obama has asked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to take up residence at the very tip of the Aleutian Islands chain where she can keep an eye on any angry Russians that might be rearing their heads over the horizon. When asked whether she is up for the challenge, Governor Palin simply replied: "Doggone it. You betcha!"

As of yet, there is still no word on possible positions in Mr. Obama’s Administration for Jesse Jackson, William Ayers and Reverend Wright.

Santa Snubs White House

At a hastily called press conference held near the North Pole, Kris Kringle today announced that he would not be visiting The White House this Christmas Eve.

"It’s not that I don’t want to," said Mr. Kringle. "But after last year’s fiasco, I definitely know where I’m not wanted."

Mr. Kringle described how on December 24, 2007, his low-flying, reindeer-driven sleigh was forced down on The White House lawn by two F-16 fighter jets. Apparently his gift-laden sled was picked up on radar resulting in an emergency scramble. After a forced landing, Kringle was immediately taken to CIA Headquarters.

"It was awful," said Kringle. "They kept asking me why I had a beard, why I wore a red jumpsuit and why I had several aliases like Santa Claus, Pere Noel and Father Christmas. They kept showing me pictures of myself handing out gifts to kids and asking me if I was a socialist."

"Father Christmas" (by now dubbed Father Eid by his captors) was then flown to a Middle Eastern country for further interrogation. He was eventually transferred to the American military prison at Guantanamo Bay as a suspected terrorist.

"It was horrible," said Mr. Kringle. "One minute I’m hanging upside down in an underground prison in Syria and the next minute I’m in an open-air cell in Cuba with a prayer mat and a copy of the Koran."

By mid-summer, it was apparent to his captors that Kringle was not a terrorist or an Islamic extremist but rather just a harmless jolly old man who dressed in red and liked to hand out toys and games to children at Christmastime. Released on his own recognizance, St. Nick, as he is also sometimes known, was given airfare back to his home.

"As I indicated at the time," said Mr. Kringle. "I’ve got nothing against Washington. But unless and until things change, I won’t be bringing any gifts to The White House this year."

As luck would have it, change is on the horizon but not soon enough for this year’s reindeer flight.
"I’m given to understand that by next Christmas there’ll be a new family in that house," said Kringle. "And that they have two little girls who apparently don’t mind sitting down with no preconditions to talk with long-bearded gentlemen in funny red clothing. At least that’s the scuttlebutt at the North Pole."