Bush Pens Memoir

As President Bush’s final days wind down, he reportedly spends more and more time honing his political legacy. And part of that political legacy will be laid out by the President in his personal memoir.

"This is my chance to set the record straight," said Bush. "I get to cut through all the lies and deception and tell it like it is."

Although most former presidents use a ghostwriter to help them write their memoirs, this president has decided to go it alone.

"I know y’all think I can’t read or write," Bush said jokingly. "But I can and I’m going to write this book all on my own."

Little is known about the content of the book. But the length and format have reportedly already been established.

"I guess it’s no surprise that it won’t be that long," said the President. "But y’all may be interested in my choice of format. It’ll be a picture book."

Asked to elaborate, President Bush indicated that he didn’t have a whole lot to say and thus would need other material to help meet his ambitious goal of writing a 125-page book. Foremost among that other material will be photographs and cartoons depicting Bush at work and play over the last eight years.

"I’ve always said that a picture is worth a thousand words," said the President. "So I figure with a few dozen pictures, my book will effectively be even longer than that boring doorstop written by Bill Clinton."

"Heck, nobody likes slogging through page after page of text," said Bush. "If most folks are like me, they like to look at pictures, too. And that’s what I’m going to give them - lots and lots of pictures."

Asked how he came to decide on this unusual format, President Bush hearkened back to the early days of his Administration.

"I distinctly remember reading a picture book on September 11th," said Bush. "I believe it was called ‘The Pet Goat’ and it made a big impression on me."

"Even after hearing about the planes hitting the Twin Towers," said the President. "I just couldn’t take my eyes off that book. From that day on, I vowed that my memoir, too, would be a picture book."

The title of the Bush memoir hasn’t been decided yet although the President seems partial to "Good Night Bush" or "George’s Web." It is anticipated that there will be a publishers’ bidding war for the rights to publish the book with the final advance predicted to be in the high four figures.

Gagging The Gagged

"Public servants ... are expected to maintain a low profile during an election and avoid public commentary on any matters that could potentially impact, or be perceived as impacting, on the election," said Privy Council Office spokeswoman Myriam Massabki.

As a long-serving federal public servant, I am, of course, sensitive to the needs of the government. I would never, ever publicly expose any wrongdoings or malfeasances occurring within the bowels of the civil service, particularly during a federal election campaign.

If, for example, I was aware of the unauthorized expenditure of millions of dollars on some harebrained project, I would keep my mouth shut. After all, it wouldn’t be fair to have the public judge a government on a single, out-of-control program.

And if I knew that there was a departmental section overflowing with featherbedding, do-nothing superannuates-in-waiting, I would remain silent. Frankly, it’s not any of my business why my employer would allow this to happen. There are undoubtedly larger plans and schemes unknown to me that rely on this apparent sloth and waste.

I recognize that the major fuel that government runs on is secrecy. The public might not be able to understand why this is the case but, trust me, it’s the essential element of an efficient bureaucracy or, for that matter, any bureaucracy, whether efficient or not.

If I told you all I know about the inner workings of government, you’d likely get really angry and start yelling things like "Throw the bums out!" and "I’ll never vote for them again!" And that would be just plain wrong.

Because neither you nor I can ever really know the full mysterious workings of the entire bureaucracy. Just because there appear to be inefficiencies or corruption at some level doesn’t mean government isn’t working.

In order to fully assess that, you have to be privy to the big picture. You’re not and neither am I. But I’m sure those at the top can look down on the process and see that all the pieces fit into place to help effectively drive the huge engine of government.

Sure, it may seem devious and deceitful to allow certain processes and expenditures to fly under the radar. But I have no doubt that ministers and deputy ministers are fully aware of these seeming anomalies and know that they, in fact, comprise an essential element of the overall workings of the bureaucracy.

The directive from the PCO spokeswoman is perfectly understandable and acceptable in a modern democratic state. Much as we public servants might like to publicly express our support for one candidate or another, it could be disastrous for the country’s health.

Just imagine what might happen if different government workers spoke out publicly and criticized current or proposed government programs. Average voters might actually believe these workers and tailor their votes accordingly.

But if the whistle-blowing bureaucrats are like me, they don’t have access to the big picture. Thus, they might not know that that untendered multi-billion dollar contract needs to go through in order to buttress a particular company that in turn can provide jobs in a particular riding to ensure the reelection of a specific minister.

As the Ned Beatty character in the movie "Network" says to Howard Beale: "You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won’t have it!" Those without the grander knowledge possessed by the chosen few ignorantly risk great harm to the commonweal by acting precipitously.

The loyal public servant knows that his job is to keep his nose down, his eyes closed and his mouth shut. It is not for him to decide what is good or what is bad. Without the advantage of power, he simply can’t know.

So I might be inclined to say that I’m concerned about the health care system in this country or that I fear for our faltering educational institutions. I might naively want to express my view that we need a change in government in order to get back to serving the common good.

But I know that my limited experience does not qualify me to opine on such grand matters. The government knows the damage that can be done by public servants pretending to be active participants in a democracy and I, for one, am 100 per cent behind them or their eventual successors.

My Fabulous, Wonderful New York City Field Trip

"My Fabulous, Wonderful New York City Field Trip"

by Sarah Palin

My teacher, John McCain, said we could all go on a field trip to New York City to learn about world leaders, foreign affairs and all that stuff. I suggested that since I got my first passport last year, maybe we could actually visit world leaders in their own countries. But Mr. McCain said that there wasn’t time for that and, anyway, it didn’t really matter because everything we needed to know was at the United Nations.

Gosh, the United Nations is a neat building. It’s kind of curvy at the bottom and then there’s a big tower. It’s kind of modern but not really. Inside there’s a really big auditorium, even bigger than the biggest theater at the Regal Totem 8 multiplex in Anchorage.

In the auditorium, there’s like a whole bunch of desks with nameplates with the names of a whole bunch of countries I’ve never even heard of. I mean, I can see Russia from where I live in Alaska but I have no idea if I can see Tajikistan or Uzbekistan or Azerbaijan. At first I thought I’d been punked by Mr. McCain but he assured me that these were real countries. At least he was pretty sure they were real countries. After all, he was still a little unclear if Spain was in South America or not.

I got to see President Bush address something called the Generals’ Assembly in the big auditorium. I’m surprised that it has a military name but I guess with all the wars and disputes all around the world, it only makes sense. Anyway, I was very impressed with the President’s speech which I now recognize as part of what he calls the Bush Doctrine.

On the first night, we got to go to a cocktail party in Manhattan with the President and a whole bunch of world leaders. I got to meet the heads of all kinds of neat countries including Michel Suleiman who’s the president of Lebanon. It was a little embarrassing at first because I ordered a margarita from him thinking that he was a waiter. We all had a good laugh over that and then everybody talked about an atlas or a roadmap or something for the Middle East.

On the second day, we were supposed to go to a rally to protest the arrival of the leader of Iran. I’d include his name in my essay but it’s really hard to spell and has way too many vowels. But it doesn’t matter because we didn’t get to go to the rally after all because that witch Hillary Clinton didn’t want us there. I mean, I kind of respect her for putting all those cracks in the glass ceiling and all but sometimes she can be such a.......well, I’ll just leave it at that.

Honestly, after that second day, my head was spinning. We got to meet so many leaders of so many countries, I couldn’t really tell you who’s who. There’s someone called Car Guy, I think, who’s from Afghanistan and Talabani from Iraq or maybe it was the Taliban from Afghanistan although I don’t think so because I’m pretty sure they’re one of the bad guys.

We met guys from India and Ukraine and even Georgia. You know, I guess I’ve lived in Alaska so long that I didn’t know how diverse the lower forty-eight really are. That guy from Geogia had what I’m assuming was a very strong Southern accent. Anyway, I couldn’t understand a word he said.

I just want to conclude by thanking Mr. McCain for organizing this field trip. Although it was kind of short, it was jam-packed with interesting stuff. It would have been nice to have a little R&R time to go shopping at Barneys or check out some of those fancy Mont Blanc eyeglasses. But Mr. McCain says that, if we do well, next year we may get to visit New York City as often as we want.

I asked Mr. McCain if there was going to be a pop quiz on all the stuff we learned on our trip. He said not to worry about that although he did suggest I memorize all the major countries and their leaders by the end of next week. He said Mr. Biden might have a test and apparently he’s a real strict marker.

McCain Hits Obama With A POW

The McCain campaign is busily preparing for the coming three presidential debates, which begin Friday. Since Sen. Barack Obama is the stronger speaker, Sen. John McCain's strategists have decided on a straightforward, simple approach as evidenced in these practice questions and proposed replies, which we have obtained from reliable sources:

Q: Senator, when you were asked about how many houses you own, you were unable to answer. Doesn't that show that you are out of touch with average Americans?

A: No it doesn't, and I'll tell you why. I spent 5 1/2 years in a North Vietnamese prisoner of war camp. I didn't have a house. I didn't have a table. Heck, I didn't even have a chair. Like many Americans, I know what it's like to go without.

Q: Sir, you have consistently supported the Iraq war despite the fact that the reasons given for starting the war turned out not to be true. The war has cost hundreds of billions of dollars and tens of thousands of lives. How can you continue to support this war?

A: War is not easy. War is not fun. I know that because I spent 5 1/2 years as a POW during the Vietnam War. Believe me, I don't like war any more than the next person, but sometimes you just have to persevere until the job is done.

Q: Mr. McCain, you were intimately involved with Charles Keating and the savings-and-loan debacle of the late 1980s and were censured by the Senate Ethics Committee for having poor judgment. Given your involvement in that scandal, how can you be trusted to be the president of the United States?

A: I would like to remind you that I was cleared in that matter. And I would also like to remind you that I was a POW in North Vietnam for more than five years. I think that's all I need to say on the issue of trust.

Q: The Democrats are calling you John McBush and saying that you will continue the failed policies of George W. Bush if you are elected president. How do you answer those charges?

A: I respect President Bush, and I support some of his policies. But George Bush didn't spend over five years in a North Vietnamese prison. Because of that, I will bring an entirely new and heroic perspective to the problems of America.

Q: Some critics are saying that you are too old to serve as president. Since you just turned 72 and will be 76 by the next election, will you undertake to serve for just four years?

A: Four years is nothing. Let's not forget that I did 5 1/2 years as a POW in the Hanoi Hilton, and I could easily have done more. Even at my age, eight years in the comfort of the White House will be a breeze.

Q: Sen. Barack Obama has been criticized as being too young and inexperienced to serve as president. What is your view?

A: I respect Barack Obama and I think he has many of the traits and characteristics needed to serve in the nation's highest office - although there is one glaring omission. Once Senator Obama has done a stint as a POW for at least 5 1/2 years, I'm sure he'll be ready for the White House. If he starts now, I guarantee that he'll be ready to be president in 2016. I believe my esteemed colleague Sen. Hillary Clinton would agree.

Washington Talks Back

Hi, how ya doin? The name’s Washington, Washington, D. C.

You probably know me as the nation’s capital, the home of all those nasty politicians and lobbyists. In fact, you’ve probably taken a shot or two at me from time to time like "Washington’s out of touch" or "Washington sucks."

That’s OK; I’m used to it. I figure it comes with the territory. Being the capital is not an easy job. It’s often a thankless task but I don’t mind all the nasty sleights. That’s just the price of fame.
But lately I’ve been really ticked off. Not only are average citizens badmouthing me; now even the politicians are running me down.

This year, two of my own are out on the campaign trail blaming everything on me. There’s this guy Obama who’s lived here for four years. Yet you’d think he’d never even visited me.

Obama’s all "Change doesn’t come from Washington, it comes to Washington" and "Change you can believe in." What’s up with that? It’s like he doesn’t know me at all. Yet he’s been here all along, taking advantage of everything I have to offer. Now he doesn’t even know me? Come on!

And then there’s that McCain guy. He’s been living here for over twenty-five years. I figured we were friends for life. But now he’s giving me the cold shoulder.

It’s like everything’s my fault. Here’s a guy who was as good a Beltway insider as you can get. He was even once good buds with Charles Keating. But now he’s all "Only I can bring change to Washington" and "I’m going to veto all those pork barrel bills."

At first I was mad. But now I’m really more sad than anything. I’ve lost a couple of good friends and it really, really hurts.

But then I just tell myself that it’s probably not that bad. Maybe once all this election craziness goes away, these two guys will come back to me, settle in and get down to business again.

If the past is any indication, by next year, this will all be ancient history. After all, this isn’t the first time this has happened. Guys like Bill Clinton and George W. Bush really hurt my feelings years ago trash-talking me and promising all kinds of change. But, believe it or not, we were able to get over that and now we’re the best of friends.

McCain The Super-maverick

With the selection of Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential nominee, John McCain has once again burnished his image as a political maverick. The choice of a running mate who is about as far removed from Washington, D. C. as you can get helps to underscore his reputation as a free-thinking outsider.

But given Barack Obama’s popularity, it looks like the Arizona senator may have to do even more to emphasize his maverick credentials. If McCain doesn’t gain some polling traction with his choice of Palin, look for him to try one or more of these image-enhancing moves:

* At his first debate with Obama, John McCain appears dressed totally in authentic western wear. From his ten-gallon hat to his spur-bearing boots, the Republican nominee will become the iconic cowboy that Americans are longing to see. The betting is even money as to whether or not McCain will enter the auditorium on a horse.

* At the first hint of a negative word from Obama, McCain will challenge him to a duel with pistols at dawn. Obama, of course, will decline but McCain can then emphasize Obama’s weakness on everything from foreign policy to pistol duelling. If Obama protests that duelling is illegal in the United States, McCain can cite this as another example of unneeded government intervention in the affairs of ordinary citizens and possibly even a contravention of the Second Amendment.

* Look for the Republican nominee to trade in his Straight Talk Express bus for a Straight Talk Express World War I vintage biplane. Nothing says nonconformist iconoclast like an old guy with a red scarf and aviator goggles piloting a plane that’s as old as he is. Look for the barnstorming Republican candidate at an airfield near you.

* Sometime before November 4th, John McCain may take the unusual move of naming his entire Cabinet. Usually candidates wait until elected before taking this step. But McCain will say ‘Why wait?’ and name them all now so Americans know just what they can expect from a John McCain presidency. With everyone from Mitt Romney to Joe Leiberman to Arnold Schwazenegger, there’ll be a little something for everybody.

* If all else fails, McCain may try the ultimate maverick move and appear in the final debate with Obama in a North Vietnamese-style prisoner of war cage. Complete with a straw floor and wooden rice bowl, the prisoner cage will elicit strong images of heroism and patriotism. If Obama objects, McCain will simply agree that Obama can have his own POW cage as well, ‘if the wimp can handle it’.

More Surprise McCain Picks

Convinced that he made the right move in selecting Sarah Palin as his running mate, Republican presidential nominee John McCain has decided not to stop there. In order to maintain his campaign’s momentum, the Arizona senator has apparently decided to announce other female selections for his governance team now rather than wait until after the election.

Seldom reliable sources have confirmed that Senator McCain has a number of other surprising picks in mind. For example, although many observers assumed that he would go with Condoleeza Rice as his secretary of state, McCain instead seems to have his finger on the video pulse of the nation.

"I like that gal who played the President’s wife in that show ‘The West Wing’," McCain is reported to have remarked. "What’s her name? Stockard Channing? Yeah, I think she’s got lots of spunk and would do a terrific job."

In the same vein, McCain apparently has his eye on Allison Janney as his press secretary. "She’s bright, quick and she doesn’t take any guff," said the Republican nominee. "Plus she’s easy on the eyes."

The position of chief of staff will likely go to Shirley Jones who starred in the 70s sitcom ‘The Partridge Family.’ "If she can organize my administration half as well as she ran that wacky household of five kids," said McCain. "I don’t think we’ll have any problems running the country."

In keeping with the theme of an all-female TV team, McCain wants to appoint Suze Orman, noted financial advice show host, as Treasury Secretary. "Have you seen her in action?" said McCain. "We sure as hell wouldn’t have any mortgage or debt crisis with her in charge."

After seeing these picks, it came as no surprise that the senator has decided to appoint Judge Judy as his Attorney General. "I think most Americans are tired of our judicial system mollycoddling criminals," said McCain. "With Judge Judy we can get back to a no-nonsense, lock-em-up system of justice."

As for future Supreme Court appointments, John McCain is apparently sticking to his all-female approach. Top potential candidates include Calista Flockhart, Candace Bergen and Lara Flynn Boyle. When questioned about the apparent lack of experience of these women, McCain brusquely replied: "They’ve all played lawyers on TV and that’s good enough for me."

As the campaign wears on, look for John McCain to announce more and more of his post-election appointments. Although it is not known yet who those appointees will be, one thing is clear - they will all be females and they will all be television stars.

"What can I say? I like dames and I like TV," said McCain. "And I think they’ll make a great governing team. Especially if all the other gals vote for me."

Another Election, Eh?

Well, here we go again. Thanks to Stephen Harper, we’re having yet another federal election. This will be the third one in four years which you might think would try the patience of the average Canadian voter. But apparently it turns out you’d be wrong as these representative views suggest.

John McNee of St. John’s, Newfoundland couldn’t be happier there’s another election. "It’s what I live for," said McNee. "The ceaseless carping by party leaders, the oh-so scintillating debates and the endless broken promises. What’s not to love?"

Harriet Simcoe of Victoria, B. C. also seems to be looking forward to the upcoming race. "Yes, I can hardly wait," said Simcoe. "I think the government was wasting way too much money on education, heath care and road building. It’s about time we got back to spending tens of millions of dollars on an election."

Harold Sneed of Toronto echoes those views and is apparently delighted that the election has begun. "There just wasn’t that much interesting on TV right now," said Sneed. "I guess some of the regular shows will be showing new episodes soon. But, in the meantime, there’s nothing like news coverage of the campaign to keep me rivetted to the television screen."

Sally Winston of Fredericton, New Brunswick is more relieved than ecstatic about the election call. "I recently ran out of sleeping pills," said Winston. "And my doctor is reluctant to prescribe me more. But now I don’t have to worry. All I have to do is record the upcoming leaders’ debate and watch five minutes of it anytime I need help falling asleep."

Michel Bastien of Trois Rivieres, Quebec wonders why Stephen Harper waited this long to go to the polls. "Everyone here in Quebec agrees that it’s really boring having electoral peace," said Bastien. "Quebeckers just don’t feel quite right unless our leaders are constantly picking at the separatist scab. Otherwise, how do you know you’re really alive?"

Harry Masters of Fort McMurray, Alberta was beside himself with joy regarding the election call. "We’ve got a lot of important work to do exploiting the tar sands and polluting the atmosphere," said Masters. "But with Parliament in session, we always have to answer to the government. With these clowns on the road for five weeks, it’s smooth sailing for us."

The only sour note heard from our correspondents was from a S. Dion of Ottawa who claims Canadians don’t want an election at this time. If nothing else, it’s clear that Mr. Dion definitely doesn’t want one.

Spiteful Hillaryites Cut Off Noses

Despite weeks of anguished grief over their candidate’s defeat, most Hillary Clinton supporters have decided to hold their noses and vote for Barack Obama. But a sizable minority still cannot forgive and forget.

"We were treated shabbily by someone," said Clinton fan Lucy Shultz. "I’m not sure who but I think it was a man and therefore I cannot support any men in this campaign."

Nevertheless, some disgruntled Hillaryites intend to support John McCain. Others say they will boycott the election and some want to write in Clinton’s name on their November 4th ballots.

The most extreme faction of unrepentant Clintonians have decided to take the ultimate vindictive action: they will literally cut off their nose to spite their face.

"I thought about just holding my nose and voting for Obama," said longtime Hillary supporter Karen Lace. "But then I realized that the most dramatic show of support would be to actually cut off my nose."

This small legion of uber-Clintonites feel that they must stop at nothing to demonstrate their support for their candidate. It is no longer a question of simply supporting a nominee who has the same views as Hillary. It is now a matter of pride.

"We want to show our dedication to the one true feminist candidate," said Ms. Lace. "And we figure that the best way to do that is to cut off our noses. It will be a sign of respect that will say to people across this patriarchal land ‘we are women, hear us roar’ albeit with a somewhat more nasal sound."

Apparently the more radical Hillary supporters first considered adopting an Amazonian badge of honor by flattening their right breast and carrying a bow and arrow. But that option was eventually discarded in favor of the proboscis-slicing choice.

"Flattening a breast would have been a bold and empowering move," said Ms. Shultz. "But ultimately it might not have been recognized as an obvious sign of Hillary support. With a sliced off nose, there can be no mistake about where we stand and why we did it."

Asked whether they qualify as members of the Hillary-loving faction called PUMAs which stands for "Party Unity, My Ass", Ms. Lace was quick to clarify.

"Yes, we’re PUMAs," said Lace. "We’re just PUMAs without noses."

McCain Wanted Michael Palin

Republican Presidential nominee John McCain has reportedly been hospitalized after suffering a mild, stress-induced heart attack. The attack occurred shortly after the announcement of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential pick.

"What the hell happened?" McCain was heard to yell just before crumpling over in pain. "Who said that broad from Alaska was going to be on the ticket?"

Apparently McCain had intended to choose former Monty Python comedy troupe member Michael Palin.

"I’ve always loved that guy," said McCain from his hospital bed in Bethesda, Maryland. "He’s so damn funny. I figured our campaign could use a laugh or two."

McCain explained that he wrote the name "Palin" on a sheet of paper and passed it to his aides with the intention that they would pass on the information to the media.

"I don’t know why I hire these young idiots," said the senator. "They’re always screwing everything up. Last week I asked them to send a telex to my wife and they looked at me like I was crazy."

Even after aides patiently explained to him that Michael Palin is not a native-born American and thus ineligible for the office of Vice President, McCain was still not satisfied.

"What the hell are you talking about?" said the soon-to-be Presidential nominee. "I was born in the Canal Zone in Panama and I’m running. Surely a funny little Brit like Michael Palin qualifies."

Governor Palin was reportedly disappointed to learn that she wasn’t McCain’s first or even tenth choice. However, she intends to soldier on unless asked to resign which may, in fact, happen soon.

McCain is exploring other possibilities and may ask Ms. Palin to step aside in favor of a funnier, more masculine candidate.

"If Michael Palin is unavailable," McCain was heard to ask. "How about the tall guy, the one who was the Minister of Silly Walks? What’s his name, John Cleese? Get him on the phone. God, I wish Red Skelton or W. C. Fields was still alive."

Bush Bashers Banished

As Hurricane Gustav wreaked havoc on the Gulf Coast, The White House luxuriated in the knowledge that President Bush would finally get the credit he deserved for his previous plan of inaction during and after Katrina. Although New Orleans has again suffered damage, it is far less extensive than it would have been if those calling for a quick and thorough rebuilding of the city had gotten their way.

"I think the effects of Gustav speak volumes about my approach to disaster relief," said Bush. "If we had jumped in and spent billions three years ago to repair the damage caused by Katrina, then all the new stuff that got built would now be damaged or destroyed."

Citing past unsung political heroes like Millard P. Fillmore and Warren G. Harding, President Bush stressed that oftentimes the best course of action is to simply do nothing.

"Sure, I could have ordered National Guard troops in before Katrina hit," said the President. "And we could have rebuilt all kinds of things after the storm. But by doing nothing, I was able to avert untold billions in additional damage over and above what Gustav caused."

Hurricane Gustav finally brings vindication to Michael D. Brown, the former director of FEMA who resigned after Hurricane Katrina. Contacted at his office at InferX Corporation, the CEO of the security technology company was only too happy to talk.

"When President Bush congratulated me for doing a heck of a job," said Brown. "Both he and I knew what he meant."

"I could have rushed in and done all kinds of things to help in New Orleans after Katrina ," said the man affectionately known as Brownie. "But we both knew that such expenditures would soon be washed away by the next major storm. Doing nothing went against my nature but it was definitely the right thing to do."

Apparently President Bush’s post-Katrina plan was only one of several brilliant, but as yet unacknowledged, strategies to save the country. Mr. Bush has so far been reluctant to discuss those other strategies, simply taking the position that history will eventually exonerate him.

"I just don’t think it’s appropriate for me to take credit for solutions that have yet to play out," said the President. "Granted, it’s tough to listen to the media criticism day in and day out knowing that I will eventually be proved right."

"Let’s just say that if we find a gigantic nuclear bomb buried in the sand in Iraq," said Bush. "Or if it turns out that permanent tax cuts for the rich provide untold benefits to the poor, then I won’t be the one to say ‘I told you so’."

President McCain Pushes The Wrong Button

My fellow Americans. I have asked the networks for this special time to explain to you what has happened to our great country over the last few days.

I know that you are concerned. Many of you have seen the giant mushroom clouds and the widespread desolation. Some of you have even seen the onset of nuclear winter. Sadly, the folks in Toledo, Sacramento and Miami didn’t see a thing.

Nuclear war is not pleasant. People get hurt and towns get destroyed. But, rest assured, it’s not the end of the world, at least not yet.

Now certain folks have blamed me for what some are calling a nuclear holocaust. First of all, it doesn’t help to point fingers and call people names. That’s hurtful and unhelpful.

To help dispel all the rumors that are floating around out there, I’m going to set the record straight. Yes, I did push the nuclear button that started this whole thing. But, no, I never intended to send nuclear missiles slamming into the Kremlin.

The fact of the matter is that my wife Cindy is to blame. I had my desk in the Oval Office all neatly arranged with everything in a nice, even row. There was the button to activate the intercom, the button to remind me to take my medications and the button to launch nuclear weapons against Russia.

There wouldn’t have been a problem at all if that makeup-plastering trollop hadn’t insisted on tidying up all the time. Apparently she came into my office while I was having my morning nap and rearranged all my papers. At the same time, she mixed up the buttons.

Worst of all, she knocked my trifocals off the desk and then stepped on them. Instead of telling me, the stupid bitch just kicked the pieces under the desk and left.

The next thing I know, the office door slams, I wake up from an erotic dream about Mae West and I’m completely discombobulated. I automatically reached out to push the intercom button to tell my secretary to get her ass in here and the next thing I know all hell broke loose.

Within minutes, I’ve got Putin on the phone yelling at me about nuclear war and how he’s going to kick my bony old ass. Well, my fellow Americans, at that point I just lost it. Nobody pushes John McCain or the good ole U. S. of A. around.

The rest, as they say, is history, assuming, of course, that we’ll still have any history. But if we do, mark my words, history will show that it was that tramp Cindy who caused this mess.

Good night and may God bless America.

Hillary Heads North

Now that Barack Obama has chosen Joe Biden as his running mate, Hillary Clinton’s 2008 U. S. electoral run has officially come to an end. But just because she’s been shut out of the American campaign doesn’t mean that she’s finished for the year.

With Stephen Harper and Stephane Dion trading schoolyard dares, it seems more and more likely that Canada is heading for a fall election. And that means one more opportunity for Hillary to become a national leader.

The Clinton team has already made some initial inquiries regarding a Canadian campaign. Rumors abound that Hillary herself has contacted all the Canadian leaders with a view to leading one of the major parties in the next election.

Prime Minister Harper has rebuffed Mrs. Clinton’s entreaties but the other leaders apparently remain open to her candidacy. NDP leader Jack Layton, in particular, seems eager to welcome Hillary into his party.

"Hell, she’s more than welcome to take over from me," said Layton. "Let’s face it; we’re going to get trounced again and, frankly, it’s no more fun for me the third time than it was the first two times."

"I’ve always considered myself a liberal," said Mrs. Clinton. "So the prospect of running for a party actually called the Liberals is interesting. But since I’ve been a lifelong Democrat, representing something called, what did you say it was, the New Democratic Party, is very, very exciting."

Hillary’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, was initially reluctant to follow his wife north for a Canadian run. But informal promises that a win by his wife might result in him being appointed Governor-General apparently turned him around.

"I like the sound of that title Governor-General," said Bill. "I used to be a governor, you know, but I’ve never been a general. This way I could be both at once. Plus they tell me that there’s not a heck of a lot to do in the job, mostly opening shopping centers and kissing babes or babies. I wasn’t quite clear on that last one."

Having quickly warmed to the idea of running in the upcoming Canadian election, Hillary assured the voters that her platform remains unchanged from her U. S. campaign. She has indicated that she will continue to push for universal healthcare, an end to participation in the Iraq War and a complete renegotiation of NAFTA.

When informed that Canadians already have socialized medicine, did not send troops to Iraq and had no desire to reopen NAFTA, Clinton seemed surprised but indicated a willingness to pursue other issues.

"I’d like to see such things as tighter gun control, same-sex marriage and cheaper tuition for colleges and universities," said the U. S. senator.

"Done, done and done," said Jack Layton. "But I’m sure there are other matters of interest to you."

"Not really," said Mrs. Clinton. "That about blows my whole platform portfolio. But, hey, if you’re looking for someone to stand up to that kid Obama or that old geezer McCain, I’m your gal."

Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe reminded Mrs. Clinton that if things didn’t work out in the upcoming Canadian federal election, there was always a spot open for her as the President of an independent Quebec. Although Mrs. Clinton’s French was reportedly not very strong, she was heard to say: "C’est une possibilité. Après tout, je ne jamais dites non."

Take A Dollar, Leave A Dollar

In the wake of the latest economic downturn, the U. S. Treasury Department has taken the radical step of eliminating the one-dollar bill.

"It was just becoming too much of a nuisance," said Treasury spokesperson Buck Simoleon. "What with its declining value and the daily rise in the price of gasoline, it just didn’t make sense to keep making them."

Recent inflationary threats have made it economically impractical to produce the greenback. According to Mr. Simoleon, it now costs the Treasury Department close to ninety cents to print one.

"We just don’t think it’s worth it anymore," said Mr. Simoleon. "Especially since many people don’t even treat the dollar bill like real money."

More and more merchants have been avoiding the problem of unwanted singles by simply rounding consumer purchases up to the nearest ten dollars.

"It was such a pain to always be running to the bank to get more ones," said store owner Rhea Tale. "And half the time, the bank didn’t have any."

Apparently consumers are simply throwing their ones in empty coffee cans, old ashtrays and sock drawers. The Treasury Department has been urging citizens to keep the bills in circulation but few seem to be taking heed.

"We experimented briefly with a ‘take a dollar, leave a dollar’ tray that merchants could place at the cash register," said Mr. Simoleon. "But it seems people just can’t be bothered. A lot of folks these days won’t even bend over to pick up a dollar off the floor."

Gas stations have been particularly annoyed with the one-dollar bill. With the average gasoline purchase rapidly approaching three-figures, it is increasingly becoming a major annoyance to have to break anything smaller than a ten.

"People who come in to get gas are in a hurry," said station owner Phil R. Upp. "They don’t want to be slowed down by some store clerk trying to make exact change from a hundred. They just want to get their gas and get going."

Other nations have already tackled the one-dollar bill problem by converting their lower-denominated paper currency to coins. Canada, for example, has a one and a two-dollar coin and Great Britain has one and two-pound equivalents. However, the Treasury spokesperson did not view this as a long-term solution.

"Let’s face it," said Mr. Simoleon. "It’s even more expensive to mint a coin than to print a bill and I don’t see our dollar heading anywhere but south for the foreseeable future."
Surprisingly, most Americans seem unconcerned about the elimination of the dollar bill including President Bush.

"It’s really no big deal," said the President. "Like most Americans, we here at The White House haven’t used dollar bills for a long time now; we just put everything on credit."

Clinton Uber Alles

In an attempt to mollify supporters of Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama’s camp has agreed to allow her name to be formally entered into nomination at this week’s Democratic National convention. Mrs. Clinton has reportedly assured Obama’s people that there will be no attempts to undermine his candidacy.

A few other "minor" concessions were sought and agreed to. Hillary Clinton will address the convention in prime time on the second night. Her husband, former President Bill Clinton, will speak the following night and daughter Chelsea will likely speak after that.

Clinton supporters say that any further requests by their candidate will be trivial and inconsequential. For example, they would like to have each morning and afternoon session open with a tribute to some of America’s greatest overlooked towns including Clinton, Massachusetts; Clinton, Missouri; Clinton, Mississippi and Clinton, New York.

"We spend a lot of time celebrating our country’s major cities," said Mrs. Clinton. "But we often overlook the heartland of our great country. This would be a great way to acknowledge middle America and all the great middle Americans who have made our party what it is."

Apparently Mrs. Clinton’s inner circle has also asked that at least part of the first night of the convention be dedicated to a celebration of the life and career of DeWitt Clinton who served as the Governor of New York from 1817 to 1822.

"I think we have neglected this great American statesman for far too long," said Hillary Clinton. "After all, he was the sixth governor of my home state and the man largely responsible for the building of the Erie Canal."

The Clinton camp has also put in a request to decide on the entertainment for the final night of the convention. Rumors abound that her people have already inked a deal with musician George Clinton to be the headliner for the evening.

"I think it would be fitting to celebrate the first African-American nominee with a great black entertainer," said Mrs. Clinton. "And what better way to celebrate than to get our funk on with the man who created P-Funk and the band Funkadelic?"

Some Obama supporters have expressed concern that the various requests by Clinton will leave little time to feature Mr. Obama.

"Nonsense," said Mrs. Clinton. "As far as I know, we’ve pencilled him in for almost an entire hour early Friday morning for his acceptance speech."

"Assuming he’ll need that time," chuckled the former First Lady. "Just kidding, of course."

Duelling Confessions

In their recent joint interviews by Pastor Rick Warren at Orange County’s Saddleback Church, Presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama both revealed past indiscretions. When asked about their greatest moral failure, McCain cited his failed first marriage and Obama discussed his youthful experimentation with drugs and alcohol.

Although the candidates’ revelations seemed to satisfy the audience of evangelicals at Saddleback Church, it turns out that they did little to impress their political peers. Bill Clinton for one found their admissions to be, as he termed them, "laughable."

"A divorce, a few drinks and a little blow?" said the former President. "You call those moral failings? I call that a warm-up to a good time on a Saturday night."

Former Vice Presidential nominee John Edwards also made light of his Senate colleagues’ mea culpas.

"Look, I’m not condoning divorce or getting buzzed," said Edwards. "But that’s nothing. Hell, I cheated on my wife while she was getting treated for cancer. Mind you, she was in remission at the time."

Even George W. Bush found it hard to take the disclosures by his potential successors seriously.
"You’re talking about one guy who dumped his first wife and another guy who did a little flake before he hit university," said President Bush. "Come on; that’s nothing. I drank and did coke well into my thirties, screwed the pooch in the military and gave away the entire U. S. Treasury to my friends."

Clearly embarrassed by their mediocre confessions, McCain and Obama have begun a "moral failings" war to see who can outdo the other in the field of ethical shortcomings.

"Yes, my first marriage ended in divorce," said McCain. "But, until now, I never revealed the cause. Let’s just say it involved a hooker, handcuffs and a case of Jack Daniels."

Not to be outdone, Obama fired back with his own avowals.

"It’s time for me to come clean," said Obama. "Not only have I repeatedly cheated on my wife Michelle; I have done so with a series of Malaysian transvestites."

"Yeah, but I did it with a sheep," countered McCain.

"Just one?" said Obama.

"So far," said McCain.

Although it is expected that the battle of revelations will continue right up to November 4th, it seems unlikely that either candidate will be invited back to Saddleback Church any time soon.

The Presidential Decathlon

For two weeks, millions of Americans have been glued to their TV sets watching the world’s best athletes compete for gold. But all that will end soon. What’s a sports-addicted nation to do? Luckily, there’s one more unofficial Olympic competition to watch: the Presidential decathlon which consists of the following ten gruelling events:

Pseudo-debates
Watch as the two candidates engage in a non-debate debate. Questions are asked and even occasionally answered but no one has to actually take a stance on the issues. It’s difficult to know who really wins a pseudo-debate but so long as a candidate isn’t hit with a "knockout" blow, he definitely won’t lose.

Endorsements
It used to be that candidates had to seek and obtain the approval of one or more special interest groups. Now, however, the endorsement event is more about getting and sometimes even disavowing endorsements from religious leaders.

Sliming by proxy
Competitors will be judged on their ability to trash their opponent without really seeming to be involved. The gold standard for this event is the outstanding performance of George W. Bush’s surrogates four years ago with their hands-down-winner "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth."

Flip flopping
This is the political equivalent of the gymnastics competition. Every candidate will do one or more flips. The question is will any of these flips result in a big time flop. The trick for competitors is to make their flips look like minor shifts or to deny that they flipped at all.

Sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll
This tripartite event has tripped up more than one candidate. The trick is to come clean but not too clean. Sexual indiscretions? Sure, but they took place long ago. Drug use? Yes, but nothing too potent and nothing after age 25. As for rock ‘n roll, do not attempt this unless you’re under 50 and can actually sing, dance or play a pop instrument.

Photo-ops
This event can end in tragedy when the resulting photo has not been completely thought out. Candidates would do well to avoid such disasters as "Kerry on windsurfer" and "Dukakis in tank."

Gaffing
Coaches work with their charges for months to avoid any major verbal gaffes. Claiming Iraq shares a border with Pakistan may not be fatal but declaring communist-ruled Poland free certainly was.

Fundraising
Competitors do whatever it takes to outperform their rival in acquiring political donations even if it means turning down matching federal funds. After all, the more money a candidate has, the better he can perform in the "sliming by proxy" competition.

Gotcha
An ongoing event wherein the media tries to nail the candidates with a "gotcha" moment. This can involve a recorded statement about bitter folks clinging to their guns and religion or a temper-fuelled nasty swipe at one’s own wife.

Votes
Theoretically the deciding factor in any Presidential decathlon, ironically votes are the least important element. After all, most states are already decided before the voting even begins. And those few that aren’t get decided by everyone but the voters.

McCain Forgets Running Mate Pick

Looking to capture the momentum from Barack Obama, presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain today planned to announce his vice presidential running mate. Unfortunately, Senator McCain forgot who he had chosen.

"I had the name right here," said McCain pointing to his shirt pocket. "But then I took the shirt off, put it in the laundry hamper and now I can’t find it."

Blaming the snafu on his wife Cindy, the aging Arizona senator berated his wife for her overly-zealous cleaning habits.

"If she’d just leave things well enough alone," said McCain. "I could have found that shirt and found the slip of paper with my vice presidential pick on it. But now that it’s gone through the wash, you can barely read what’s on it."

Campaign aides have been of little assistance since none was clearly informed of the senator’s choice for running mate. Apparently McCain did tell his team that he had chosen "some guy" and that he had definitely decided that it wouldn’t be that "jerk Huckabee." But apart from that, McCain’s supporters have no more clue as to who he had chosen than McCain himself.

Normally a presidential candidate confers with potential running mates before making his selection. However, in this case, none of the leading contenders would confirm or deny having been asked to run by McCain.

"I think he called me last week," said 84-year old Alaska Senator Ted Stephens. "But that was so long ago and I can’t recall what the heck we spoke about. I think John mentioned something about getting together for the early bird special at The Olive Garden near the Capitol Building to discuss something important but I can’t say for sure. In fact, as I recall, I fell asleep that day and missed our dinner meeting altogether."

The McCain campaign team has decided to postpone the vice presidential announcement until next week. It’s hoped that this will give the senator time to either remember who he picked or to find his misplaced reading glasses to help him read the paper that went through the wash.

According to McCain, they should be right next to his pill bottles where he always leaves them. Unless, of course, his wife Cindy moved them again.

Obama And McCain Make Surprising Picks

This one appeared on the Op-Ed page of yesterday's Baltimore Sun:

With Sen. Barack Obama retaining a slight lead in the polls, Sen. John McCain today threw caution to the wind and made one of the most audacious running-mate choices in American political history. Seeking to gain the most media exposure bang for the buck, the Arizona senator and presumptive Republican presidential nominee has asked Ronald Reagan to join his ticket.

"I carefully considered all the possible candidates," said Mr. McCain. "And it was clear to me that Reagan beat them all, hands down. None of these guys today can hold a candle to the Gipper, dead or alive."

When questioned about Ronald Reagan's current breathing abilities, Senator McCain became visibly annoyed and reacted angrily.

"Yeah, duh, he's dead," said Mr. McCain. "So frigging what? He's going to be the vice president. It's not like we're asking him to do anything productive."

Further questioned about the constitutional hurdles his choice in the veepstakes faces, Mr. McCain turned a beet red and exploded at the assembled press corps.

"Read the document," shouted Mr. McCain. "Where in the Constitution does it say that the vice president has to be living? As far as I know, all he has to be is a native-born American who's at least 35 years old. Done and done."

At great personal risk, one reporter dared ask the senator about whether or not Mr. Reagan had agreed to run as vice president. Mr. McCain's aides physically restrained him from pulling a gun on the reporter as he screamed his reply.

"Of course he agreed," yelled Mr. McCain. "Do you think I'd be announcing his addition to the ticket if he didn't agree? Haven't you ever heard of the concept that silence implies consent? Well I think most people have, and when I put the question to Ronnie, he was about as silent as you can get."

The addition of Mr. Reagan to the Republican ticket is expected to buttress Mr. McCain's support among several key demographic groups, including Florida seniors, Reagan Democrats and the legion of dead voters in select Chicago precincts.

To counter Mr. McCain's surprise move, Barack Obama made his own unconventional choice for a vice presidential running mate: himself.

"That's right," said Senator Obama. "After vetting the short list of potential Democrats, it was blindingly obvious that I was by far the most qualified."

When questioned about the impossibility of succeeding himself as president if he dies in office, Mr. Obama assured American voters that in the unlikely event that he did die, he could just about guarantee a resurrection by the third day.

Unclear On The Concept

Up until recently, Canada was committed to the Kyoto Protocol on Climate Change. We had promised to reduce our greenhouse gas emissions to six percent below our 1990 levels. Instead, we are 25 percent above those levels with little hope of reaching them in the near future.

Part of our national plan was the voluntary One-Tonne Challenge which urged each citizen to change his daily habits in order to effect a one metric tonne reduction in carbon dioxide emissions. Now that program has been scrapped.

The One-Tonne Challenge was a great idea. I suspect it failed primarily because many Canadians were simply unclear on the concept. For example, the following do not count towards your personal emissions reduction goal:

* Putting a spoiler on your sit-down mower.
* Taking the van instead of the SUV to the corner store.
* Barbecuing indoors.
* Mixing ten percent ethanol with your morning orange juice.
* Installing an outdoor, solar-powered, battery-operated thermometer.
* Talking on the phone and/or putting on makeup while driving.
* Rolling stops at intersections to save on brakes.
* Using your electric can opener during off-peak hours.
* Drying your clothes outdoors on an electrically-powered rotating clothes line.
* Turning the air conditioner in your garage up one degree.
* Putting a muffler on your leaf blower.