Cheney Changes His Mind

OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Press Release - April 1, 2008

The following is an official statement from Vice President Dick Cheney:

"Jesus Christ, what the hell are you folks thinking? You’ve got a broad and a black man running for the Democratic nomination and it looks like the frontrunner for the Republicans is an old guy who can’t even lift his arms over his head.

"I can’t abide the thought of this great country of ours being handed over to these jokers. Imagine the damage one of these clowns could do in the space of four years. In all likelihood, he or she would get us into an unnecessary war and increase the national debt beyond imagination.

"So that’s why I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring as a candidate for President. Before all of you fuck things up beyond belief, I figured I’d give you a chance to set things right.

"After all, who’s more experienced than me? I’ve been running the country for the last seven years and doing one hell of a job, if I do say so myself.

"No, seriously, I’ve actually been running the country. That crybaby Bush took a pass on the Presidency on 9/11 and I had to take over. He couldn’t handle the job so he gave it to me and opted for a secret retirement to his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

"All those odd flights of Air Force One on 9/11 were just a ruse to get George to his ranch and me suited up for my new double role in Washington. Now you know why you rarely saw the two of us together. It might also help you understand that ‘puzzling’ overnight policy switch on Iraq.

"I don’t think George wanted to invade Iraq. Hell, I don’t think he could even spell Iraq. But after 9/11, it became my decision.

"I’m so glad to get this off my chest. Now I can finally get rid of that silly Bush mask and that goddamned mountain bike and be myself again.

"So that’s why I’m offering to be a candidate for the Presidency of these United States of America. Vote for me and we can continue my great legacy of accomplishment. Otherwise, I’ll have to shoot you."

Superdelegate

Look up in the late August Denver night sky. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s Superdelegate!

Superdelegate looks and sounds just like any other delegate. But he’s not. Unlike ordinary convention-goers, he has special powers of selection.

Whereas regular delegates are committed to vote for only one candidate, Superdelegate is unrestrained by the will of the people. He is free to choose whoever he wants for the good of the Party.

Superdelegate was born twenty-six years ago from a union of his parents, Geraldine of Ferraro and James of Hunt. He secretly lives as an ordinary Congressman or Democratic Party functionary and only appears as Superdelegate when the Party calls for his help every four years.

Before Superdelegate was born, the Party had been threatened by the will of ordinary delegates. In messy gatherings called conventions, they would vote to choose a Presidential nominee.

But being mere mortals, the ordinary delegates often chose foolishly and unwisely. They allowed the candidate with the most committed votes to win leading to such uninspired choices as McGovernman and Boy Carter.

Now the Party convention is again faced with a potential crisis. The committed delegates are unthinkingly riding a wave of emotion and charisma, looking to choose a new superhero called Osamaman to be the next nominee.

Osamaman is young and dynamic and possesses that most desired of superpowers: the ability to change. Whatever the issue, whatever the situation, Osamaman will promise to change it.

But another contender, Hillary Girl, wants to defeat Osamaman. She says he is too young, too inexperienced and not ready to govern from day one. She is asking for Superdelegate’s help to block Osamaman’s powers of change.

The choice is crucial because whoever wins this contest must face the Republican’s warrior, McCain the Ancient One. Superdelegate knows that Hillary Girl has the experience and deserves to wear the mantle of Democratic champion. But even Superdelegate has his limitations.

If exposed to the dreaded "democracy", Superdelegate’s powers weaken and he has no choice but to accede to the wishes of the majority. Against his better judgment, he may be forced to cast his vote for Osamaman and hope that his vaunted charisma can defeat the straight-talkingAncient One.

Look for the exciting November issue of your favorite comic book "Superdelegate and The Justice League" to find out who will win this titanic struggle.

Bush Conquers Mexico

In a last desperate attempt to rescue his legacy from the dustbin of history, George W. Bush today announced victory in his one-day war against Mexico.

"My fellow Americans," said President Bush. "Our troops have entered Mexico City and President Felipe Calderón has surrendered. Once again, mission accomplished."

Apparently the deteriorating American economy and the endless war in Iraq inspired Bush to make this daring move. Realizing that he had nothing to lose except perhaps his potential reputation as the next Warren G. Harding, Bush went for broke and sought annexation of Mexico as the country’s 51st state.

Despite the deployment of most American troops in the Middle East, President Bush was still able to mobilize sufficient troop strength to conquer America’s southern neighbor. Two battalions from Fort Hood in Texas and several thousand National Guard troops in SUVs and family vans were able to quickly strike deep into enemy territory.

In fact, U. S. forces met virtually no resistance as most Mexicans immediately realized that annexation by the Americans solved their primary problem: how to legally enter the United States. Subject to ratification by Congress, Mexico will shortly become America’s newest state.

"I believe this is a win-win-win situation," said President Bush. "We get Mexico, Mexicans get to become Americans and I get to dodge a bullet."

Rather than going down in history as possibly the worst president of all time, George W. Bush’s brilliant lame duck manoeuver may now secure him an historical ranking somewhere between Grover Cleveland and Millard Fillmore.

"I couldn’t be happier," said President Bush. "Not only have I solved our illegal immigrant problem and turned attention from Iraq, I’ve also taken a big step towards getting my kisser on Mount Rushmore."

Given the apparent success of the new Bush Doctrine, Canada is reportedly calling up its naval ship and both of its tanks in anticipation of an invasionary force from the south seeking to annex Canada as the 52nd state.

The Real 3 A.M. Calls

Hillary Clinton’s "3 A.M. Phone Call" campaign TV ad seems to have been effective. However, it may have been a bit misleading as these recently discovered transcripts of past late night calls to The White House demonstrate:

June 17, 1972 - 3:01 A.M.
"Hello?"
"The eagles have been captured."
"What? Who is this?"
"The jig is up."
"What are you talking about?"
"It’s me, Dick. Gordon Liddy. The guys got caught at the Watergate."
"I don’t know who you are or what you’re talking about. Is that tape recorder still on, Pat?"
(dial tone)

December 1, 1983 - 2:59 A.M.
"Hello?"
"Is Ron there?"
"Who is this?"
"It’s Mikhail Gorbachev. I’ve got to talk to Ron. It’s very important. It could save us both billions of dollars."
"Forget it, Mikhail. He’s dead to the world.. Try again tomorrow before his afternoon nap."
"But it may be too late by then."
"I’m sure it can wait. Good night."
(dial tone)

May 4, 1990 - 3:02 A.M.
"Hello. Who’s calling at this hour?"
"Ish jush me, shweedie. Look, I’ve had a bit to drink and I jush wanna say I’m sorry and I really, really love you. I really, really do."
"Who is this?"
"Whoa, wait a minute. You’re not Jane. What have you done with Jane?"
(dial tone)

January 28, 1993 - 2:57 A.M.
"Hello."
"Hi. Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
"What? Who is this?"
"Is your refrigerator running?"
"Newt, New Gingrich - is that you?"
(dial tone)

June 15, 1996 - 3:04 A.M.
"Hello?"
"Pizza delivery. Large pizza for the president."
"What are you talking about?"
"Ma’am, I’ve got a large pepperoni with extra cheese for one William Jefferson Clinton."
"Oh, boy, not again. Just leave it with the guard."
"Ma’am, I need payment."
"Bill?"
(dial tone)

August 4, 1998 - 2:59 A.M.
"Yes."
"Is my Billy Willy snookums there?"
"Who is this?"
"Oh, sorry, bye."
(dial tone)

January 15, 2001 - 2:56 A.M.
"Huh?"
"Hi, George. It’s me, Al."
"Al?"
"Al Gore. You know, I used to be the next president of the United States."
"Al, that line’s gettin’ awfully lame and I need my sleep."
"Look George, how about you let me be Vice President again or Secretary of State or something, OK?"
"It’s over, Al. I won. Get over it."
(dial tone)

March 2, 2003 - 3:00 A.M.
"Hello. Who’s calling?"
"This is Kofi Anan, Madam First Lady. May I please speak to the President."
"No, I’m sorry. He’s asleep and he left clear instructions not to wake him."
"But it’s very important. We have indisputable proof that Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction."
"Well, I really can’t wake him or he’ll be very mad. How about I give you Dick Cheney’s number? I’m sure he can help."
"Thank you, Mrs. Bush."
(dial tone)

The New Patriot Act

By virtue of two-thirds majorities in both houses, Congress today overrode President Bush’s veto and passed into law Title 18, Part I, Chapter 28 of the United States Code, "An Act to regulate the use of persuasive techniques in the gathering of intelligence from enemy aliens" a.k.a. The New Patriot Act.

18 U.S.C. section 563 - Applicability
The provisions of this chapter shall apply to all residents of these United States irrespective of citizenship or country of origin and shall not be abrogated by any too clever-by-half exemptions such as Guantanamo Bay being part of Cuba.

18 U.S.C. section 564 - Geneva Conventions
Whereas we signed on to these conventions, we really ought to comply with them, don’t you think? That means no more weaselly outs like "illegal enemy combatant" or trying to "opt out" altogether to avoid prosecution under the War Crimes Act.

18 U.S.C. section565 - Cruel and unusual punishment
Considering that we try to kill convicted murderers painlessly, it seems only reasonable to inflict as little pain as we can on prisoners being interrogated. Without limiting the generality of the foregoing, the permissible level of pain that can be inflicted is definitely way below that which causes organ failure or death.

18 U.S.C. section 566 - Waterboarding
Come on now. This is torture pure and simple. No more waffling on this one.

18 U.S.C. section 567 - Use of music as a method of torture
The use of loud music for prolonged periods of time may be appropriate in limited circumstances. However, whenever possible, the detainee should be permitted to choose the type of music used. In all cases, however, the excessive use of any Céline Dion song or any cuts off "The Best of Meatloaf" album is deemed to be in violation of this Act.

18 U.S.C. section 568 - Specific prohibitions
Certain practices will be deemed to be unacceptable torture. No prisoner may be forced to listen to more than two consecutive recorded speeches by George W. Bush, to look at a picture of Dick Cheney for more than ten minutes or to view the director’s cut of "Ishtar" or "Days of Heaven" in its entirety.

18 U.S.C. section 571 - Penalties
Whoever knowingly violates any of the foregoing provisions is guilty of an indictable offense but chances are we’re never going to find out anyway so it’s not clear why we even bothered.

How To Become President

In America, it’s a given that anybody can grow up to be President. While technically that’s true, there’s definitely more to achieving this political dream than meets the eye. For aspiring national chief executives, here’s a short primer on how to eventually move into the Oval Office:

* Choose a major party - i.e. - Republican or Democratic. It doesn’t really matter which one since one or the other will alternately be out of favor with the electorate. With any luck, your pick will be hitting its peak at the same time you are. Avoid third parties unless your net worth is in the high ten figures.

* Pick a religion, any religion. Well, any religion that recognizes Christ as your personal savior and isn’t too flaky. Profess to be born again, whatever that means, and be sure to attend church services at least once a week and pray daily even if it’s only for your own nomination. But remember, no prayer mats or head coverings.

* Adopt a handy label to describe your political philosophy. Choose one word from column A and one from column B. For the foreseeable future, avoid any use of the word liberal to describe yourself.

Column A
compassionate
social
American
fiscal
modern

Column B
progressive
patriot
conservative
traditionalist
uniter

* Select any two of the following shorthand descriptions to apply frequently to your nearest rival:

- soft on crime
- flip-flopper
- tax and spend liberal
- weak on foreign policy
- friend of Bush (or Bill)
- bitch

* Court Hollywood stars for high profile endorsements but avoid any of these:

- Pee Wee Herman
- Paris Hilton
- Tom Cruise
- Mel Gibson
- Barbra Streisand
- Fred Thompson

* Canvass donations from any and all sources unless the media indicate they are:

- special interest groups
- involved in the non-traditional pharmaceutical sales industry
- wearing orange jumpsuits
- Saudi Arabian
- Canadian

* You’ll need at least $100 million to conduct your campaign. That sounds daunting but remember, that’s only fifty cents per eligible voter. When you factor in six and seven-figure contributions from unidentified special interest groups, it’s not that big a deal.

* Start early, really early. For example, the next Presidential election is almost a year away. But if you’re just thinking about running now, you’re far too late. In fact, unless you’ve set up an exploratory committee or two and raised at least a few million bucks, you may be too late for 2012. A good rule of thumb is to plan ahead at least the number of years you expect to serve.

Mars and Venus

"In his speech, [Kevin Lynch] told bureaucrats he was ‘greatly troubled’ by the view that Ottawa is isolated and out of touch with Canadians, like ‘they're from Venus and we're from Mars.’"
- The Ottawa Citizen - Feb. 21, 2008

That’s the Clerk of the Privy Council speaking recently to a group of federal public servants. Mr. Lynch, the government’s only CR-43, thinks that criticism of the federal bureaucracy is overblown, that the gulf between us and the public is far narrower than between Mars and Venus.

Frankly, I’m not so sure. As a 26-year veteran of the federal public service, I think the Mars versus Venus comparison may not be so far off the mark. In my experience, we public servants are different from other folks.

The Mars and Venus analogy is, of course, the creation of pop psychologist John Gray who has used it for years to describe the great divide between men and women. Mr. Gray acknowledges the differences between the sexes and prescribes remedies to help minimize the problems that can arise from those differences.

In the words of pop psychology, I think Kevin Lynch has to recognize that denial is not just a river in Egypt. It’s time he accept that we and the public come from two different worlds and that the best way to deal with the situation is to adopt John Gray’s prescriptions and apply them to the government setting.

First of all, like Venusians, the public likes to talk and express their needs and emotions. They’re constantly calling up government workers and asking us to listen to their problems and how they "feel" about them.

We’re from Mars; we don’t like listening to problems or discussing someone else’s feelings At the end of the day, we just want to retire to our cave or cubicle, decompress, surf the Internet and unwind. Life in government is stressful enough without people constantly demanding our attention.

A related problem is the Venusian public’s desire to meet with someone face to face or to at least talk to an "actual person" on the phone. The public seems to think that it’s their right to have an interpersonal contact with a government employee whenever they want.

We Martians don’t like interpersonal contact. We’re firm believers in the old saw: "Familiarity breeds contempt." It’s not that we want nothing to do with you. But can’t we just restrict our dealings to fax, voice-mail, e-mail or, better yet, a good old telephone tree?

The public also displays their Venusian-like personality by trying to impose their to-do list on others. They’ve got forms they want completed or decisions they need rendered or questions they want answered.

We’re not averse to dealing with these matters but we’d rather do it on our own time. After all, what’s the rush? Do you really need that passport this month? Won’t your savings tide you over until your pension cheque arrives? How important really is that certified copy of whatever? Surely you can wait just a few more weeks to cross that chore off your list.

Then there’s the public’s desire for change. Change, change, change. If that isn’t a Venusian mantra, I don’t know what is.

We’re from Mars; we don’t like change. If we liked change, do you think we’d be working for the government? Like that old, torn t-shirt or that hole-filled pair of underwear, we like things pretty much the way they are.

That’s not to say we won’t consider change. Even Mr. Lynch knows that the federal bureaucracy periodically implements new initiatives designed to overhaul the bureaucracy. Initiatives like La Réleve, PS2000, the Universal Classification System or VASE, the Visions and Strategies Exercise.

But I think it’s a little unreasonable of the public to expect that something useful will actually come out of these exercises. Let’s all just agree that looking at change is worthwhile but that actual change may not be such a good thing.

Think of the last time a policy, process or plan in government did change. Did it make things easier for you? Did it help answer your questions or deal with your problems faster and more efficiently? Exactly. See what I mean?

So let’s all take a deep breath and think about this problem. Heck, let’s take the afternoon off and really give it some thought. Surely we can come up with a mutually satisfactory solution. But not today. How about I get back to you, say, in a week? And remember, don’t call us, we’ll call you. Promise.

Watson's Elementary

Now that the writers’ strike has been settled, it looks like things will soon be back to normal with new episodes of popular medical and legal dramatic series like E. R., Grey’s Anatomy and Law & Order. But during the strike, the networks had apparently turned to replacement writers to create equally exciting new shows based on other workplace settings just in case. Sadly, we’ll now never see these brave new offerings:

Watson’s Elementary
Grade one teacher Julie Watson wanted adventure and excitement. She got that and more when she signed on with New York City’s P. S. 101. From the school opening at 9 A. M. to well after the 3:45 closing bell, Ed Koch Elementary is a beehive of dramatic activity.
On her first day of teaching, Julie is faced with one crisis after another. Missing construction paper, an overturned glue pot and non-stop kiddie washroom breaks test Julie’s skills and patience. And then there’s Brad.
Brad is the handsome young grade four teacher who has caught Julie’s eye. Trouble is, he’s married and gay.
The show’s cast also includes Leslie, the steroid-taking gym teacher; Kevin, the drolly amusing maintenance man, and Miss Blanchard, the crusty but benign school principal. From the stress of parent-teacher interviews to the pressure of circle time, there’s seldom an excruciatingly dull day on "Watson’s Elementary."

Chicago Credit
Newly-minted chartered accountant Justin Seaver bags his dream job at the downtown Chicago firm of Steuben, Miller & Fillmore. Firm life for Justin is an exciting mix of corporate accounting and long-range individual tax planning. Every day brings a new adventure as he tackles everything from deferred capital gains to annual depreciation allowances on non-capital investments.
Young curvaceous CA Heather Moore has her eye on both Justin and the Western Electric account. Funny guy Jack Jackson keeps the firm laughing with his non-traditional suits and ties and his hilarious attempts at creative accounting.
But not everything goes smoothly at Steuben, Miller & Fillmore. Crusty but benign name partner Tom Fillmore is experiencing incipient senility and sometimes inadvertently switches credits and debits with potentially disastrous results. No one has the courage to point out his errors until Justin steps forward and sets things right. Will he be chastised for his insolence or given a healthy year-end bonus for saving the firm from embarrassment? Stay tuned to find out.

Eng.
Golden Gate is a boutique engineering firm in San Francisco. Jesse Black is a recent engineering school grad from a small, mid-western town who’s looking for a career in the big city in the exciting field of civil engineering.
Golden Gate has built a solid reputation as a reliable builder of small to mid-size hotels and apartment buildings. But Jesse has grander ideas. He wants to design and build modern museums and flamboyant bridges.
Crusty but benign senior partner Jim Miller likes to build it "old school" and squelches Jesse’s grand ambitions. Tensions flare as the old guy and the new guy butt heads over everything from materials management to load bearing guidelines. The drama is non-stop as the firm’s denizens fret about which high-rise construction method will minimize code violations and maximize profits.

Addison’s Actuaries
Addison & Sons is a family-owned actuarial firm in downtown Palm Springs. Joe Addison is the crusty but benign patriarch who rules with a rigid tabular approach. But there’s trouble brewing as sons Cain and Able joust over eventual control of the business.
Younger sister Sarah joins the firm and tempers flare as she pushes to remove "& Sons" from the name. But that’s not all. Sarah has her own wild, modern notions of how to calculate present value, optimize asset allocation and apply arbitrage-free, risk-neutral valuation.
Joe Addison stubbornly sticks to traditional mathematical models and finds Sarah’s forays into data mining and ruin theory crazy and unproductive. Will Cain or Able take over the business? Will Sarah beat out both of them or leave in frustration and start her own new age actuarial firm? Don’t try to calculate the odds. Just tune in every week and follow the wild world of California’s craziest number crunchers.

Is There Life After the Super Bowl?

It’s been more than two weeks and the first signs are setting in. Sunday afternoon arrives and you’re a little edgy. Actually, you’re a lot edgy.

You turn on the TV and madly surf up and down the channels looking for a football game. But all you get is a golf tournament, a bowling show and a bunch of old movies.

I’m speaking, of course, of football withdrawal. If you’re like most men, Sunday afternoon is your time or at least it was until February 3rd. The TV, the remote control, your beverage of choice and several football games. It was your manly oasis in this sea of stress we call life.

But now it’s over. The Super Bowl is finished and therefore so, too, is the entire NFL season. Luckily, there was last Sunday’s Pro Bowl which helped ease the transition to a football-free life. But the Pro Bowl’s not a real game. It’s kind of like giving methadone to a heroin addict. It’s just a temporary substitute to help make getting clean a little less painful.

So what’s a guy to do? The first preseason game is almost six months away. How are you expected to last that long?

Well, as Vince Lombardi might have said, when the going gets tough, the tough get cable, as in the NFL Network. With 24/7 coverage of everything football including old games, gridiron news and nonstop analysis, it’s the true addict’s summertime fix. It’s not the real thing but it may be enough for some.

But what if you don’t have cable? Or what if reruns and replays don’t do it for you? What then? Are you expected to survive on a diet of basketball, baseball or even hockey? Not likely.

A real man will look fear in the eye and he won’t blink. He’ll suck it up and play through the pain. He’ll give a hundred and ten percent. After all, no one said it would be easy but it can be done.

First, check to see if your wife or girlfriend is still there. If she is, that means she really loves you despite your obsession. Maybe you could do something nice for her. Give her some flowers, say, or take in a basketball game together. In other words, show her that you care.

If you have kids, don’t forget; they can be lots of fun. Consider taking them to a hockey game or maybe even on an afternoon outing to a sports bar. Nothing says family like time spent together.

When all else fails, try tackling a few of those household chores you’ve been putting off. Maybe now’s the time to repair that leak in the roof or replace the missing skylight in your bedroom.

Have you thought about cleaning out the moldy contents of your basement after last summer’s flood? If you’re not a handyman, how about a little politics? Luckily for you, there’s a Presidential election this year with all kinds of exciting primaries and nominating conventions.

I know it’s not football but it’s tough and it’s nasty. Plus you can bet on it. Phone up your friends and suggest putting together your own political fantasy league. (Here’s a hint: Don’t pick Mitt Romney or Dennis Kucinich.) The best thing about politics is that by the time it’s all over, we’ll be well into the next football season.

I know it looks bleak right now. It’s the middle of winter and there’s no football in sight for months. But if you’re the kind of man who can watch three football games at once week after week, then you’re also the kind of man who can do without.

If you feel yourself faltering, just call a football friend for support. Remember, we’re all in this together, there’s no "I" in "team" but there is one in "quit." Hang in there and I’ll see you in the fall.

Dear Dr. Shrink

An occasional column dispensing psychological advice to our readers in need:

Dear Dr. Shrink,

One of my employees is an elderly man who used to work for my dad. "Dick" used to be a nice, reasonable guy. But over the years, he has become increasingly aloof and belligerent. Because he has a bad heart, I tend not to confront him about his behaviour and I just go along with his suggestions. Lately, however, his suggestions have cost us a lot of money and we’ve lost most of our customers. What can I do?

Confused in the Capital

Dear Confused,

Without knowing more, it’s difficult to assess your situation. However, it appears that your employee has deep-seated anger issues. Is it possible that "Dick" harbors some resentment towards you or your father? Is there some unfinished business from the past that he feels compelled to complete? Until "Dick" resolves his anger issues, I strongly advise you not to implement any of his suggestions. Otherwise, you run the risk of simply "going to war" over and over again.

Dr. Shrink

Dear Dr. Shrink,

My husband is a loving man and a good provider. However, "W" has one flaw that threatens to undermine our marriage: he always has to be right. A few years ago, he started a renovation project and tore up the entire garage. Rather than stop and get some professional help, he simply declared "mission accomplished" and kept on stubbornly making a mess. Now he’s threatening to renovate the kitchen. I’ve told him that it would be crazy to tear apart the kitchen until he’s fixed the garage but he just won’t listen. Any suggestions?

Wit’s End in Washington

Dear Wit’s End,

It appears that your husband is suffering from a mild case of megalomania. His delusions of grandeur and constant need to be right affect those close to him. At this point, it sounds like his actions are creating problems only for you. If you can moderate his behavior for the next year or two, it’s possible that his symptoms will subside and he will lose interest in imposing his will on others. However, if his condition worsens and his actions inconvenience friends, neighbors, co-workers and even strangers, it’s time to get professional help.

Dr. Shrink

Dear Dr. Shrink,

I’ve been married to the same man for over thirty years. "Bill" is a bright, ambitious man with an engaging personality. However, he has a huge ego, lies all the time and has been unfaithful on a number of occasions. I know that I should leave him but he does sometimes help me in pursuing my career goals. What should I do?

Waffling in Westchester

Dear Waffling,

At first blush, I’m tempted to say that you and your husband are co-dependent. In other words, you’re both using one another to meet your own needs notwithstanding the harm that is caused to you and those around you. Sometimes divorce is the only answer in such situations. However, in your case, I suggest that you first seek counselling. Who knows? Maybe "Bill" will spend more time helping you with your career aspirations and even be willing to assume the number two position on your matrimonial ticket. And if not, you can always dump him after you’ve reached your goal.

Dr. Shrink

Dear Dr. Shrink,

I’ve been dating "Rudy" for awhile now and things are starting to get serious. But I don’t know if we’re a good match. I want kids, monogamy and a couple of handguns. He, on the other hand, has some disturbingly liberal views. Yet when it comes to crime and law and order, he’s my kind of guy. Is he a good candidate for marriage?

Right-wing Republican

Dear Right-wing,

That depends. If you want someone who shares your views, then this guy may not be for you. But if you’re looking for a winner to help you get that white house of your dreams, he may be your only choice.

Dr. Shrink

Tattoo You

Unbeknownst to most voters, many major Presidential candidates in this year’s nomination races are tattoo afficionados.

This revelation might never have come to light but for the surprising results at the Body Art Expo held in January in Pomona, California. Most attendees weren’t even aware that the candidates were present until the grand body art show-off held on the final day of what is advertised as the World’s Largest Tattoo Expo.

All the candidates threw caution to the wind and stripped down to their skivvies to display their prize winning skin paintings. Runner-up awards went to both Rudy Giuliani and Mike Huckabee for their unusual inkings.

Mr. Giuliani wowed the crowd with his original skin creation comprising a two foot “9" on his chest and an equally large “11" on his back. “I didn’t just survive 9/11,” said the former New York City mayor. “I eat, breathe and sleep 9/11.”

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee was no slouch either as he tore off his shirt to reveal a 360 degree body trunk homage to the Bible. “As you can see,” said Huckabee. “My pecs display scenes from the Pentateuch and my back is almost entirely devoted to apocalyptic visions from the Book of Revelations.”

John McCain was also a crowd favorite with his original old-school tattoos from his days as a Navy fighter pilot over forty years ago. Sadly, however, the 71-year old U. S. senator was beginning to show his age as sagging skin turned his “Anchors Aweigh” plus anchor print into an embarrassing facsimile of a smiley face made up of the letters “AA” above the bottom curve of the anchor.

On the Democratic side, Barack Obama snagged an honorable mention for his unique ghetto chest. Finally putting to rest the question of his black bona fides, the Illinois senator strutted the stage to rap music while showing off his street slang-covered front. Yo, Barack! You da man!

The big winner of the night, however, was Hillary Clinton. For those who wondered why the former First Lady always wears pantsuits, the final show-down answered that question and many more. Ms. Clinton’s legs are two curvaceous canvasses featuring a tattoo history of America. By the time the crowd was treated to her stars and stripes derriere, they were already on their feet cheering the candidate on.

Bill Gates's Recent Google Searches

Bill Gates’s recent Google searches:

JANUARY 11, 2008: "prime computer takeover targets"

Prime Computer over-targets company objectives
Fast food company targets prime rib takeouts
Prime numbers key in computer company takeover
Sub-prime market targets company buyers

Sponsored link: Target has great sales on prime computers.

JANUARY 17, 2008: "on-line search company for sale"

On-line sale of company searches for buyer
On-line sales spur company growth
Company Sells On-line Searches
Yahoo on-line search business undervalued

Sponsored link: Yahoo store’s new on-line setups start at only $44. Billions available.

JANUARY 25, 2008: "Yahoo share price today"

Yahoo trading in high teens - down from top share price
Yahoo! Rated "Strong Sell" Today
Investors CRAZY to buy Yahoo shares
Abort! Abort! Abort!

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FEBRUARY 1, 2008: "long-term growth projections for Yahoo"

Yahoo long considered to have growth potential
Yahoo considers growth projections proprietary info
Yahoo balance sheets no longer available on-line
Wassup Bill? Why all the enquiries about Yahoo?

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FEBRUARY 5, 2008: "Microsoft’s offer for Yahoo"

Back Off Gates, Yahoo’s Ours
Bill Gates is Satan of Computer World
Your Google Account is Suspended

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New Bathroom Sex Code Unveiled

One little-noted repercussion from Senator Larry Craig’s misadventure last summer in a Minneapolis public restroom has been the widespread dissemination of the heretofore secret bathroom sex code. Now the whole world knows the foot-tapping, hand-waving motions that signal a desire for inter-stall sex.

"It’s not that we don’t want everyone to know our secret bathroom body language," said gay spokesperson Rod Longley. "But if heterosexuals are going to start muscling in on our territory, there may not be enough gay sex to go around."

"After all," said Longley. "Larry Craig says he’s not gay and there may be millions more like him who want to have man-on-man sex in public washrooms."

To stem the potential tidal wave of non-gay males toe-tapping and hand-signalling in public restrooms, the gay community is considering the creation of a whole new bathroom sex code.
"It may be the only way to solve the problem," said Longley. "Otherwise we are going to have more and more incidents of gay men unknowingly having gay sex with heterosexual men which is going to be embarrassing for everyone involved."

When asked to describe the new code, Longley adamantly refused, pointing out that revealing the new code would defeat the whole purpose of the measure. Some have speculated that the new inter-cubicle signalling system involves an elaborate series of coded references to Judy Garland, Cher and several well-known Broadway musicals. Speaking from his hairdressing salon in San Francisco, Longley would neither confirm nor deny such speculation although he expressed annoyance at the continued emphasis on certain hoary gay stereotypes.

"Of course there’s no guarantee this new code will solve the problem," said Longley. "And if it doesn’t, we may have to vacate the bathroom stall sex scene altogether and leave it to the straights."

As for rumors that the gay community has secret plans to infiltrate public bathhouses instead, Longley simply smiled, tugged his left ear lobe, tapped his right foot twice and issued a terse "No comment."

Square State Saturday

February 5th is Super Duper Tuesday in this year’s Presidential nomination races with over twenty state primaries being held simultaneously. With big states like New York and California holding their contests on that day, smaller states are likely to get lost in the shuffle. That’s why some jurisdictions have apparently decided that four years from now they’re going to join together for their own special days in early February:

Square State Saturday
Wyoming holds its primary in January. But the remaining square states have decided to band together and jointly hold the first primaries in February. Colorado, Kansas and both Dakotas take pride in everything square from their dancing to their voting. No lily-livered, oddly-shaped liberal states need apply.

Guns ‘N Nuts Sunday
The gun-loving, government-hating citizens of Idaho, Montana and Texas will reluctantly cast their votes for their least-hated candidate on the first Sunday of the month. No Democratic primaries will be held as only the Republicans dare ask for support from these true American mavericks.

Hillbilly Monday
On the day before Super Duper Tuesday in the year 2012, America’s mountain folk will have their say. Kentucky, Arkansas and West Virginia will cast their votes for their favorite political varmints. Double Xs will be the order of the day as most residents use only one letter to mark and sign their ballots.

Western Wednesday
By Super Duper Tuesday, most of the lower 48 will have spoken. But four years from now, that won’t stop America’s two westernmost states from joining in the electoral fun. Alaska and Hawaii will still insist on holding primaries although by the time their results are compiled, it will already be Thursday in the rest of the country and, frankly, no one will even care.

Protectorate Thursday
Most of us forget that U. S. territory doesn’t end with the fifty states. That’s why far flung protectorates and commonwealths like Guam, American Samoa and Puerto Rico want to take time to make their presidential preferences known. Since no electoral votes are at stake, however, they’ll be lucky to get a visit from Dennis Kucinich, Ron Paul or even Ross Perot.

Forgotten Friday
By the end of the first week in February, chances are that the nomination races will be all but over. However, don’t tell that to the stubborn inhabitants of America’s forgotten jurisdictions who will still insist on exercising their feeble franchise. Four years from now, Forgotten Friday will allow Rhode Island, Delaware and D. C. to add their tiny inconsequential voices to the presidential primary cacophony.

Hillary Ate Glue

The use of dirty tricks in the Democratic and Republican presidential campaigns has begun, as it does every four years. The Clinton camp, for example, recently played up Barack Obama’s self-admitted use of cocaine as a young man. More recently, anonymous tricksters have tried to besmirch John McCain’s reputation with allegations that, as a young POW in Vietnam, he sold out his Navy comrades.

As the nomination contests heat up, one thing is certain: political tricksters will be digging even further into the candidates’ pasts to come up with embarrassing revelations. In fact, several unreliable sources have revealed the following shocking exposés already in the works:

Hillary Clinton Ate Glue in Kindergarten!!!
It’s true! Former classmate Hilda Bumpers confirms on camera that Hillary Rodham, her five-year old classmate at Park Ridge Elementary, regularly ate both paste and glue. "It was unbelievable," said Ms. Bumpers. "Every time our teacher, Miss Smithers, put out the paste pot, Hillary would help herself to a couple of bites." "I’m not saying she was addicted," said Bumpers. "But I swear I even saw her once sniffing the glue!"

Rudy Giuliani Wore Dresses in Grade Two!!!
Check out these pictures! The former New York City mayor claims his cross-dressing was confined to adult costume balls. But the pictures don’t lie. Apparently his fetish for female attire goes way back. "Yeah, Rudy would come over to our house to play," said childhood acquaintance Mildred Purcell. "And he’d always put on my older sister Lorna’s skirts and blouses." "One time he even tried to get into my mom’s makeup case," said Purcell

Barack Obama Had to Change His Underwear in Grade One!!!
It’s shocking but true! The so-called candidate of change has a history of change he doesn’t want you to know about. "I know for a fact," said school chum Rodney Peters. "That he wet himself on at least two occasions and had to change his underwear." "I bet he was even a bedwetter and someone else had to change his sheets," said Peters.

Mitt Romney Kissed Three Girls in Grade Four!!!
Now the truth can be told! Although his Church foreswore polygamy over a century ago, young Mitt didn’t seem to get the message. Throughout grade four at Bloomfield Hills Elementary, Romney tried to have as many girlfriends as he could. "It was heartbreaking," said former girlfriend Rita Buford. "I thought I was his only girl but he also kissed Linda Taylor and Leslie Blair." "When I asked him why he did it," said Buford. "Mitt just said he wanted to marry us all."

John Edwards Pulled Pigtails in Grade One!!!
Believe it! The hair-obsessed former senator from North Carolina wasn’t always the law-abiding citizen he appears to be. Several women have come forward to testify that "little Johnny Edwards" repeatedly and maliciously pulled their pigtails in grade one. "He was incorrigible," said former classmate Enid Burns. "If he wasn’t looking at this own hair in the mirror, he was pulling on ours." "If we still had inkwells in our desks," said Burns. "I’m sure he would have done much worse."

John McCain Took Non-express Bus to School!!!
He can’t deny it now! In elementary school in New London, Connecticut, little Johnny McCain took a bus every day that made multiple stops. The self-described leader of the Straight Talk Express sure didn’t believe in express buses in those days. "He’s a hypocrite," said childhood chum Nathan Rhodes. "Back then, he took the milk run to school like the rest of us." "I’m not saying he’s lying," said Rhodes. "But you’re definitely not getting straight talk from Mr. McCain."

Who's Left?

Both the Democratic and Republican nomination races are in freefall. Shortly after John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani bowed out, the other major contenders followed suit. First Hillary Clinton pulled the plug on her campaign and then Barack Obama called it quits.

At the same time, John McCain announced he’s had enough. And before McCain could even finish his speech, Mitt Romney issued a press release saying that he could no longer carry on.

The surprising result of all these capitulations is that there appears to be no candidate from either party willing to seek the Presidency. Unless someone steps forward soon, both the Republicans and Democrats could be without a nominee.

Rumors abound as to why four frontrunners would suddenly give up. When questioned about their precipitous decisions, none of the four was willing to give an answer. In fact, all of them were afraid to say much of anything.

The formerly tough-talking McCain was spotted curled up in the fetal position whimpering "I quit. I quit." Hillary Clinton wasn’t just tearing up anymore; she was out and out sobbing and begging to go home.

Mitt Romney’s hair was a mess as if some evil force had tousled it repeatedly and the Michigan primary winner looked as if he had seen a ghost. Barack Obama was found clutching his knees, rocking back and forth and repeatedly whispering "The horror! The horror!"

No one knows for sure what happened but some observers have their suspicions. As ususal, Washington insiders suspect the chubby hand of Dick Cheney has once again been at work. It’s as yet unclear if the Vice President had any involvement in the raft of surprising candidacy terminations although the mere mention of his name now reportedly makes each of the four former candidates shake and cry uncontrollably.

"He’s gone, right?" said Hillary Clinton. "He’s not coming back, right? Promise me, Bill. Make him go away. Please!"

When reached for comment, Vice President Cheney simply smiled and said that he respected the decisions all the candidates had made. At the same time, he seemed unconcerned at the total lack of potential party nominees for this year’s upcoming Presidential election.

"I don’t think there’s any cause for alarm," said Cheney. "If no one turns up by November, rest assured that President Bush is more than willing to carry on for another four years. He figures it’s the least he can do rather than leave the nation in the lurch."

Asked if even he might consider running for the nation’s highest office, the Vice President didn’t rule that possibility out.

"If no one else comes forward and President Bush should meet with an unfortunate hunting accident," said Mr. Cheney. "I guess I’d have no other choice. After all, whenever America has called, I’ve always been ready to report for duty."

After delivering his prepared statement, Cheney elbowed a homeless man, kicked a dog and made the sun disappear.

More Kennedys Heard From

Caroline Kennedy pens an op-ed endorsement of Barack Obama in The New York Times and Uncle Ted signs on, too. But then Kerry Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Kathleen Kennedy Townsend jointly write an opinion piece for The L. A. Times in support of Hillary Clinton.
Apparently this is not the end of this year’s battle for a Kennedy blessing. Look for these upcoming endorsements:

Eunice Kennedy Shriver
Sister of the famous Kennedy brothers and wife of 1972 Vice Presidential candidate Sargent Shriver, Eunice Kennedy has come out four-square for no one. "They’re all such fine candidates," said Ms. Shriver. "I think it would be a shame to give my support to just one." When asked if her communal support also applied to Dennis Kucinich, the Kennedy sibling quickly retorted: "Of course not! Do you think I’m crazy?"

Jean Ann Kennedy Smith
Perhaps the least known of the third generation of Kennedy siblings, Ms. Smith has a favorite in this year’s nomination races but she’s not saying who it is. "What’s the point," said the former U. S. ambassador to Ireland. "Who the hell cares what I think about national politics?" Ms. Smith may be selling herself short since her unstated preference for Mike Huckabee, if known, might well capture some interest.

Ethel Kennedy
Wife of the late Robert F. Kennedy, Ethel wants nothing to do with this year’s nominees. "Frankly," said the mother of eleven. "If I never see another Kennedy again it will be too soon." However, when pressed, she did express some grudging admiration for Hillary Clinton. "Anyone who can put up with a serial philanderer like Bill," said Ms. Kennedy. "Deserves at least some recognition."

William Kennedy Smith
Second son of Jean Ann Kennedy Smith, William was annoyed and angered by media attempts to discern his political preference. "Ever since my acquittal on rape charges in 1991," said Smith. "I’ve been trying to avoid you guys like the plague. If I give you a name, will you leave me alone?" In a desperate attempt to get rid of enquiring reporters, Smith finally expressed a preference for Hillary Clinton. "I’ve always had an eye for the ladies," said the physician.

Beauregard Kennedy
A distant cousin to the Boston-based Kennedy clan, Beauregard Kennedy is a longtime resident of Irish Corners, Kentucky where he has carried on for years in the family distilling business. "I always prided myself in being in the same industry as old Joe Kennedy," said Beauregard. "By making an honest living in the beverage business." As for his Presidential preferences, Mr. Kennedy simply said: "Like old Joe, I’ll vote for the man or woman who gets rid of these antiquated laws against alcohol manufacture and distribution."

DJIA Travel Review

The following traveller review recently appeared on the TripAdvisor website:

"VERY DISAPPOINTED!!!!!"
SS DJIA Cruise - January 1-22, 2008
- January 24, 2008
(one out of five stars)

A. Market Investor
New York City

What a disappointment! My wife and I just got back after taking the cruise from hell. From reading the previous reviews on this site, I was sure that this three-week cruise on the SS DJIA would be my best vacation in years.

Since there were very few negative reviews, I was surprised that our holiday turned out to be such a disaster. After all, the glossy brochure we received in the mail promised all kinds of happy returns and special dividends. Needless to say, once on board, we didn’t see any of these advertised perks. In fact, there were almost no on-ship amenities at all including a woeful lack of life boats and preservers.

To be fair, there were a few positives. For example, when my wife and I boarded the DJIA on January 1st, everything appeared calm. Everyone on board was happy and relaxed and it seemed like we were in store for a pleasant trip. But by the middle of the second week, it was clear that things had gone awry.

Before listing the negatives, I think I should point out that my wife and I are not first time vacationers. In fact, we have been on a number of cruises over the years, both good and bad. For example, we enjoyed a wonderful ride on the SS NASDAQ in late 1999 and a not-so-pleasant voyage in the summer of 2001 on the M/S Standard & Poors 500.

But our trip this month on the DJIA was like nothing we’ve ever experienced before. No one told us but apparently the ship’s stabilizers weren’t working properly. Consequently, we were up and down like a yo-yo from one day to the next. I’ve never been seasick before but after experiencing these fluctuations, I was in agony. My wife was sick, too, and even went so far as to buy a gold skin patch which did seem to help a bit.

My parents told me about a cruise they took in 1982 on the DIJA which, by all accounts, was a complete horror show. They said that they avoided the cruise line for years after. But in recent years, it seemed to have bounced back and reestablished its sterling, long-term reputation.
As for our cruise, it was definitely the worst we’ve ever been on. Thanks to ship deficiencies, falling metal and foul weather, we didn’t manage to achieve even one of our desired objectives.
On some days, it looked like the seas would calm down and that we might even get a bit of sunshine. But just like clockwork, the next day we would again be tossed about like a bottle in the ocean.

I tried to complain to my travel agent but at first he wouldn’t answer his phone. When I finally did get through to him, all he would say was that our trip was a temporary setback. He claimed this was an industry-wide phenomenon and that cruises from Europe to Asia were experiencing similar troubles. He even had the gall to suggest that, since the DJIA’s upcoming cruise packages had been marked down, we should buy another one. Unbelievable!

In summary, don’t book this cruise. The SS DJIA sucks. I can certainly think of better places to spend my capital. If you’re looking for a safe and worry-free vacation, I strongly suggest checking out an old-fashioned, dependable train ride through the Rockies on the Long-term Bond Express.

Presidential Spare Change

According to the pundits and pollsters (and who else would you look to for meaningful answers?), the 2008 Presidential race is all about change. As in, who’s for change, who represents change and who can bring about change? Apparently, the candidate with the most pro-change qualifications and positions is a shoe-in for The White House.

Most voters say they want change and many claim to want fundamental change. Personally, I don’t think voters know what they mean when they express these opinions. After all, major change may affect some people negatively, many of them these very same supposedly change-loving folks.

I’m not saying I don’t want change, too. I’d like to see the next American president be someone who is comfortable with change. Not an agent of change, necessarily. Instead I want a president who doesn’t have to change all the time but, at the very least, is willing to change when necessary.

After eight years of "my way or the highway" governing from The Oval Office, it would be refreshing to have a president who carefully weighs all options before deciding. A president who asks not just his inner circle for advice but also a wide array of experts. And, most importantly, a president who can recognize when a decision has gone wrong and requires, you guessed it, a change.

In order to find such a president, I propose that all candidates be evaluated by this simple "change" test.

* Do you know how to change a tire?
* Have you ever changed a tire?
* Have you ever changed a tire for a stranger?
* Do you know what a change-up is?
* Do you know when to throw one?
* Can you actually throw a change-up?
* Do you give spare change to beggars?
* Are you ever conflicted about giving spare change to beggars?
* Have you ever needed spare change yourself?
* Do you like Bob Dylan’s song "The Times They Are A Changing"?
* Do you know the lyrics?
* Do you understand the lyrics?
* How often do you change your underwear?
* How about your socks and shirt?
* How about your stance on the issues?

If you can get honest and sincere answers from candidates on these simple questions, I think you’ll find it easy to choose the real change candidate.

Workplace Birding

"In her book [‘The Boss From Outer Space and Other Aliens at Work’], Ms. Addesso identifies 11 personality types that show up in what people value and how they communicate and approach their work. She assigned each trait to one of the planets, plus the sun, moon, and Pluto...."
- The Globe and Mail - November 2, 2007

Patricia Addesso’s planetary personality types range from the action-oriented, forward-thinking Mercury to the detail-oriented Neptune. I don’t know what kind of workplace Ms. Addesso is from but it definitely differs from any I’ve experienced. Instead of employing planetary personalities, I think it’s far more useful to identify workers using the following avian types:

The Brown-beaked Buttkisser
No matter how silly the suggestion, if it comes from the boss, the Brown-beaked Buttkisser will praise it to the heavens. Easily identified by its constant wing raising in meetings and its annoying, repetitive cry: "That’s great boss. That’s great boss."

The Ididit Warbler
Native to most workplaces, the Ididit Warbler carefully monitors the workload of other birds in search of worthwhile accomplishments. Upon spotting any such success, its strident cry "I did it! I did it!" can be heard throughout the office.

The Two-faced Backstabber
This attractive bird has an unusually beguiling song. But beware of its fierce attacking style when out of sight. Even when confronted with the damage it has done, the Two-faced Backstabber will continue to praise its victim fulsomely and deny any wrongdoing.

The Ruby-faced Supervisor
The Ruby-faced Supervisor is a bird that’s really a fish out of water. Long since promoted beyond its level of incompetence, when the going gets tough, this bird quickly becomes hysterical and blames others. Its repeated cry of "He did it! She did it! They did it!" sends subordinate birds scurrying for cover.

The One-legged Snafu
This poor flightless bird can’t take a step without falling flat on its face. No task is too routine or too easy that it can’t trip up the hapless Snafu. Often preyed upon by the Ruby-faced Supervisor.

The Gold-plated Nepotee
Much like the One-legged Snafu, the Gold-plated Nepotee has little or no work-related abilities. However, unlike the Snafu, the Nepotee typically snares a top-ranked position and salary due primarily to its biological relationship to one or more of the senior birds.

The Nearsighted Neophyte
This is the new bird on the perch. Inexperienced in the ways of the working world, the Nearsighted Neophyte fails to see how things really work and possesses an almost preternatural naiveté. Known for its overt overeagerness, this down-covered rookie eventually learns to shut up and keep a low profile.

The Smooth-voiced Delegator
Native to any large organization, the Smooth-voiced Delegator has an innate ability to pass on unwanted tasks to other birds. Even birds looking to avoid work find it hard to resist its siren-like call with its promise of money, success and promotion. If you unexpectedly find yourself sitting in for someone in a meeting, you probably succumbed to the Delegator’s charms.

The North American Acronymophile
Known for its amazing ability to convert any organizational plan or goal into an acronym, this bird seeks to intimidate and dominate its adversaries by its use of indecipherable abbreviated phraseology. Some mature Acronymophiles are reportedly able to speak almost entirely in buzzwords, slogans and acronyms. Sadly, this bird’s ability is inversely proportional to its rate of abbreviation usage.

The Soon-to-be-superannuate
An older, wiser denizen of the working world, this bird tends to avoid other birds and to defer tasks and assignments indefinitely. Seldom willing to share its acquired knowledge with others except when it comes to pension-related questions. Known for its uncanny ability to count backwards from its retirement date.