How to spend the next two-and-a-half years
* Sell your cowboy boots.
* Be prepared for more Presidential interviews on "Larry King Live."
* Invest heavily in oil companies.
* Buy sun screen in bulk.
* Consider reopening your 1950s basement bomb shelter.
* Don’t despair; there are still three more month-long August vacations.
* Be careful of the "spread" of democracy in the Middle East.
* Get those "Ralph Nader for President" buttons out of storage again.
* Deny voting Republican in 2000 and 2004.
* Practise saying "liberal" without sneering.
* Reminisce about the good old days in The White House with Bill and Monica.
* Try to locate Terror on a world map.
* Convince yourself that Hillary’s really not that bad and, hey, you’d get Bill as part of the package and, let’s face it, Bill’s nothing if not fun.
* Promise yourself not to vote for any more southern governors.
* Ask your accountant to explain why all those tax cuts left you with less money.
* Pray that Cheney doesn’t get a hate on for another Middle Eastern country.
* Check out your cousin’s condo in Vancouver, just in case.
* Keep your embryonic stem cells in cold storage for now.
* Begin slowly converting your IRA to euros.
* Take Bush at his word that he’ll leave problems like Iraq to future Presidents.
* Double check wording of the 22nd Amendment to make sure it really does prevent a third term.
* Write apology letters to Al Gore, John Kerry and the nation of France.
* Don’t vote for anyone named Bush no matter how regular he seems.
* Swear you won’t get fooled a third time.
* Hope for the best; prepare for the worst.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Ten-digit Dialing
Ten-digit dialing is here. As someone pushing sixty, I have to admit that it’s difficult at times to keep all the numbers straight. But I’m adapting and I’m sure I’ll eventually catch on.
I’m even getting used to the phone company’s recorded message that plays when you forget to include the area code. You know, the one that goes something like this:
"The local number you have dialed must be preceded by its area code. Your call will now proceed."
But I think Bell Canada may have gone a bit too far when it added the following supplementary recorded messages:
"The local number you have dialed must be preceded by its area code. That’s A-R-E-A C-O-D-E. If you don’t know what it is, ask someone or please get off the line."
"This is a local call. Do not dial "1" or "0" before the number you are dialing. If we wanted you to do eleven-digit dialing, we would have asked."
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Nice try but you still have to dial the area code."
"631? 631? Are you dyslexic or just pulling my chain? This is Ottawa. Everybody knows the area code is 613."
"You’re trying to call someone in Hull, right? Here’s a little hint. Their area code is 819 not 613. Think you can remember that? And by the way, in case you didn’t know, it’s now Gatineau, not Hull."
"You just have to add the same three numbers to each call. How hard is that? You’re probably the type of person who can’t balance his chequebook or gets someone else to do his income taxes. Maybe it’s time you coughed up the extra bucks for a phone with speed dial assuming you can get someone to program it for you."
"Look, we’ve warned you at least a dozen times. You have to use the area code now. Next time we’re going to route your call to Bangladesh and put a long distance charge on your monthly bill. Yeah, we can do that. We’re the phone company."
"If you forgot to press the area code, hang up and try again. We’ve even trained monkeys to do it so we’re sure you’ll eventually catch on. If not, you can always try e-mail. Oh yeah, you’d have to be computer literate to do that."
"Ha-ha. Very funny. 123-456-7890. You think you’re the first joker to try that one? How funny do you think it’ll be when your service is disconnected?"
"We have to admit; that’s pretty amusing. You’re remembering to include the area code but once you get to the last three digits, you’re completely lost. Have you tried writing the number on your hand or maybe getting a nine-year old to do it for you? Come on; it’s not rocket science."
"I believe you dialed 911. Even if this is an emergency, that’s no excuse for not taking the time to include the area code. 613-911. Even an idiot can remember that. Just kidding; we’ll put your call through now. But it better be a real emergency. If you’re just calling to ask for the area code, remember, we know where you live."
I’m even getting used to the phone company’s recorded message that plays when you forget to include the area code. You know, the one that goes something like this:
"The local number you have dialed must be preceded by its area code. Your call will now proceed."
But I think Bell Canada may have gone a bit too far when it added the following supplementary recorded messages:
"The local number you have dialed must be preceded by its area code. That’s A-R-E-A C-O-D-E. If you don’t know what it is, ask someone or please get off the line."
"This is a local call. Do not dial "1" or "0" before the number you are dialing. If we wanted you to do eleven-digit dialing, we would have asked."
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Nice try but you still have to dial the area code."
"631? 631? Are you dyslexic or just pulling my chain? This is Ottawa. Everybody knows the area code is 613."
"You’re trying to call someone in Hull, right? Here’s a little hint. Their area code is 819 not 613. Think you can remember that? And by the way, in case you didn’t know, it’s now Gatineau, not Hull."
"You just have to add the same three numbers to each call. How hard is that? You’re probably the type of person who can’t balance his chequebook or gets someone else to do his income taxes. Maybe it’s time you coughed up the extra bucks for a phone with speed dial assuming you can get someone to program it for you."
"Look, we’ve warned you at least a dozen times. You have to use the area code now. Next time we’re going to route your call to Bangladesh and put a long distance charge on your monthly bill. Yeah, we can do that. We’re the phone company."
"If you forgot to press the area code, hang up and try again. We’ve even trained monkeys to do it so we’re sure you’ll eventually catch on. If not, you can always try e-mail. Oh yeah, you’d have to be computer literate to do that."
"Ha-ha. Very funny. 123-456-7890. You think you’re the first joker to try that one? How funny do you think it’ll be when your service is disconnected?"
"We have to admit; that’s pretty amusing. You’re remembering to include the area code but once you get to the last three digits, you’re completely lost. Have you tried writing the number on your hand or maybe getting a nine-year old to do it for you? Come on; it’s not rocket science."
"I believe you dialed 911. Even if this is an emergency, that’s no excuse for not taking the time to include the area code. 613-911. Even an idiot can remember that. Just kidding; we’ll put your call through now. But it better be a real emergency. If you’re just calling to ask for the area code, remember, we know where you live."
Monday, July 24, 2006
America's Business
George W. Bush is America’s first MBA president. Thus, it’s a bit surprising that he hasn’t considered these business-based solutions to the nation’s current problems:
Privatize the Iraq War
The U. S. has already taken some steps to privatize its position in Iraq. Private firms provide security for the private contractors rebuilding the war-torn country. The bottom line dictates that Mr. Bush take the next logical step and outsource his nation’s military commitment. What better way to bring the troops home than to replace them with mercenaries hired from the likes of Bechtel and Haliburton? As they stand up, we’ll stand down.
Subcontract extraterritorial prisons
The President is taking a lot of unnecessary heat for his extraterritorial prisons, especially the one at Guantanamo Bay. That’s a costly option given the distances involved and America’s inexperience in the field. The rational option would be to subcontract the job to a professional like Fidel Castro. He has more than forty years of experience in torture and the extrajudicial suspension of civil liberties. Plus, most of America’s "non-combatant" prisoners are already in Cuba. Who knows? If the price is right, Castro may even be willing to take on America’s secret prisons elsewhere in the world.
Outsource nuclear testing
North Korea has nuclear weapons and Iran is very close. Instead of fretting about the situation, just remember: when life hands you gators, make Gatorade. Make the two remaining evil axes an offer they can’t refuse. The U. S. military can conduct their nuclear testing for them for half the cost. With America’s leading-edge technology, it’ll be a money maker and we can finally keep a close eye on what those two crazy countries are up to.
Sell New Orleans to Disney
Rather than sinking more money into a municipal black hole, sell New Orleans to the Disney Company. They’ll clean up the downtown area in no time and turn it into the first-class amusement center it was always meant to be. Forget spending billions on the levees; once the rest of the city is under water again, the Disney folks will create the biggest water park in the world.
Sell off low-performing assets
The balance of payments deficit with foreign trading partners is bad and it’s getting worse. Japan, China and India own dangerously high levels of American currency. The easiest way to balance the books is to liquidate underperforming assets. From Maine to Mississippi, there are a number of states that aren’t carrying their weight and could be sold off to retire America’s debt. After all, do we really need two Dakotas?
Privatize the Iraq War
The U. S. has already taken some steps to privatize its position in Iraq. Private firms provide security for the private contractors rebuilding the war-torn country. The bottom line dictates that Mr. Bush take the next logical step and outsource his nation’s military commitment. What better way to bring the troops home than to replace them with mercenaries hired from the likes of Bechtel and Haliburton? As they stand up, we’ll stand down.
Subcontract extraterritorial prisons
The President is taking a lot of unnecessary heat for his extraterritorial prisons, especially the one at Guantanamo Bay. That’s a costly option given the distances involved and America’s inexperience in the field. The rational option would be to subcontract the job to a professional like Fidel Castro. He has more than forty years of experience in torture and the extrajudicial suspension of civil liberties. Plus, most of America’s "non-combatant" prisoners are already in Cuba. Who knows? If the price is right, Castro may even be willing to take on America’s secret prisons elsewhere in the world.
Outsource nuclear testing
North Korea has nuclear weapons and Iran is very close. Instead of fretting about the situation, just remember: when life hands you gators, make Gatorade. Make the two remaining evil axes an offer they can’t refuse. The U. S. military can conduct their nuclear testing for them for half the cost. With America’s leading-edge technology, it’ll be a money maker and we can finally keep a close eye on what those two crazy countries are up to.
Sell New Orleans to Disney
Rather than sinking more money into a municipal black hole, sell New Orleans to the Disney Company. They’ll clean up the downtown area in no time and turn it into the first-class amusement center it was always meant to be. Forget spending billions on the levees; once the rest of the city is under water again, the Disney folks will create the biggest water park in the world.
Sell off low-performing assets
The balance of payments deficit with foreign trading partners is bad and it’s getting worse. Japan, China and India own dangerously high levels of American currency. The easiest way to balance the books is to liquidate underperforming assets. From Maine to Mississippi, there are a number of states that aren’t carrying their weight and could be sold off to retire America’s debt. After all, do we really need two Dakotas?
Thursday, July 20, 2006
New Canadian Mottoes
There’s a move afoot to change Canada's national motto. Nothing major, mind you. In order to recognize our national Arctic Ocean border, some politicians would like to see one more "sea" added to "a mare usque ad mare" to make it "from sea to sea to sea."
But if we’re going to go to the trouble of changing our motto, why don’t we make it worth our while? Forget the new triple-sea slogan. Instead, let’s come up with something new, something more reflective of our national identity. Like one of these candidates:
* We’re NOT Americans!
* One Nation Underdog
* Canada: The Committee-Created Country
* Corn Flakes / Flocons de Mais
* 40 Billion Acres and a Mule
* We Asymmetrical Federalism
* The 19th Century Belongs to Us
* We’re Number Two!
* We Actually Like Curling
* Peace, Order and Lots and Lots of Government
* Two Loonies Make a Twonie
* Canada: The Dysfunctional Mosaic
* Mounties, Maples and Medicare
* Skates, Skis and Ski-Doos
* Ten Provinces and a Lot of Empty Space
* It’s Not So Bad, Eh?
* Two Months of Tough Sledding
* Deux ou Trois Nations
* The Defederated Federation
* Alberta Plus
And while we’re at it, why not re-write our provincial mottoes, too? As in:
Newfoundland and Labrador: Cod Help Us
Nova Scotia: Canada’s Pogey Playground
New Brunswick: Just Passing Through
Prince Edward Island: Spuds ‘N Suds
Québec: First Among Equals
Ontario: We Know Best
Manitoba: Wheat, Water & Winnipeg
Saskatchewan: Even Tommy Douglas Left
Alberta: Just Try and Stop Us
British Columbia: Everyone Ends Up Here Eventually
But if we’re going to go to the trouble of changing our motto, why don’t we make it worth our while? Forget the new triple-sea slogan. Instead, let’s come up with something new, something more reflective of our national identity. Like one of these candidates:
* We’re NOT Americans!
* One Nation Underdog
* Canada: The Committee-Created Country
* Corn Flakes / Flocons de Mais
* 40 Billion Acres and a Mule
* We Asymmetrical Federalism
* The 19th Century Belongs to Us
* We’re Number Two!
* We Actually Like Curling
* Peace, Order and Lots and Lots of Government
* Two Loonies Make a Twonie
* Canada: The Dysfunctional Mosaic
* Mounties, Maples and Medicare
* Skates, Skis and Ski-Doos
* Ten Provinces and a Lot of Empty Space
* It’s Not So Bad, Eh?
* Two Months of Tough Sledding
* Deux ou Trois Nations
* The Defederated Federation
* Alberta Plus
And while we’re at it, why not re-write our provincial mottoes, too? As in:
Newfoundland and Labrador: Cod Help Us
Nova Scotia: Canada’s Pogey Playground
New Brunswick: Just Passing Through
Prince Edward Island: Spuds ‘N Suds
Québec: First Among Equals
Ontario: We Know Best
Manitoba: Wheat, Water & Winnipeg
Saskatchewan: Even Tommy Douglas Left
Alberta: Just Try and Stop Us
British Columbia: Everyone Ends Up Here Eventually
Monday, July 17, 2006
Greatest Political Quotes
As part of its ongoing promotion of the movie industry, last summer The American Film Institute released its list of the hundred best movie quotes. Not to be outdone, The American Political Institute came up with its own record of the hundred best American political quotes from the last 75 years.
Not surprisingly, number one on the list was Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s famous wartime admonition: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Also high on the list at number three was John F. Kennedy’s exhortation: "Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country."
American political observers will recognize many other famous quotes from The American Political Institute’s list like number thirteen, Richard Nixon’s "I am not a crook" and Harry Truman’s "The buck stops here" which came in at number twenty.
But there are a number of entries on the list that may not immediately ring a bell for most Americans:
No. 6
"Iran, Iraq — it doesn’t matter to me, Dick. So long as we bomb somebody." George W. Bush - November, 2001
No. 17
"That steno pool’s some bay of bigs, hey Bobby?" John Kennedy - March, 1961
No. 27
"Listen Eleanor, it depends what the definition of ‘is’ is." Franklin Roosevelt - September, 1935
No. 33
"Cambodia, Vietnam — it doesn’t matter to me, Henry. So long as we bomb somebody." - Richard Nixon - October, 1969
No. 47
"There I go again." Ronald Reagan - May, 1986
No. 69
"Six thousand and six thousand, carry the one — Hey! What happened? We lost Florida." Al Gore - December, 2000
No. 72
"I should have picked that damn dog Checkers as my running mate." Dwight Eisenhower - September, 1952
No. 88
"Sixty billion and sixty billion, carry the one — Hey! What happened? We’re a trillion dollars in debt." George W. Bush - June, 2001
No. 92
"Listen Rose Mary, I’m not asking you to lie. Just hold your finger on the delete button for fifteen minutes or so." Richard Nixon - November, 1973
No. 99
"zzzzzzzzzzz" Gerald Ford - 1974-77
No. 100
"Don’t wait up for me, Hillary. Something’s come up here again in the Oval Office." Bill Clinton - March, 1996
Not surprisingly, number one on the list was Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s famous wartime admonition: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Also high on the list at number three was John F. Kennedy’s exhortation: "Ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country."
American political observers will recognize many other famous quotes from The American Political Institute’s list like number thirteen, Richard Nixon’s "I am not a crook" and Harry Truman’s "The buck stops here" which came in at number twenty.
But there are a number of entries on the list that may not immediately ring a bell for most Americans:
No. 6
"Iran, Iraq — it doesn’t matter to me, Dick. So long as we bomb somebody." George W. Bush - November, 2001
No. 17
"That steno pool’s some bay of bigs, hey Bobby?" John Kennedy - March, 1961
No. 27
"Listen Eleanor, it depends what the definition of ‘is’ is." Franklin Roosevelt - September, 1935
No. 33
"Cambodia, Vietnam — it doesn’t matter to me, Henry. So long as we bomb somebody." - Richard Nixon - October, 1969
No. 47
"There I go again." Ronald Reagan - May, 1986
No. 69
"Six thousand and six thousand, carry the one — Hey! What happened? We lost Florida." Al Gore - December, 2000
No. 72
"I should have picked that damn dog Checkers as my running mate." Dwight Eisenhower - September, 1952
No. 88
"Sixty billion and sixty billion, carry the one — Hey! What happened? We’re a trillion dollars in debt." George W. Bush - June, 2001
No. 92
"Listen Rose Mary, I’m not asking you to lie. Just hold your finger on the delete button for fifteen minutes or so." Richard Nixon - November, 1973
No. 99
"zzzzzzzzzzz" Gerald Ford - 1974-77
No. 100
"Don’t wait up for me, Hillary. Something’s come up here again in the Oval Office." Bill Clinton - March, 1996
Friday, July 14, 2006
Football On Ice
Now that the World Cup of Soccer is over, there remain but a few unanswered "football"-related questions. Like, why do they call soccer "football" everywhere except in Canada and the United States? Who would have been the more insufferable winners, the Italians or the French? And why did Zinedine Zidane head-butt that Italian guy in the chest?
As for the first question, if you’ve never been exposed to real football, it’s understandable that you’d call a game where you kick a ball with your foot "football." As for the second question, the French probably would have been more insufferable but we’ll likely never know given their penchant for losing.
As for the final question, why are we even asking it? For non-soccer fans, Mr. Zidane’s head-butt was the most exciting part of the game. Personally, I had settled in for a nap about thirty minutes into last Sunday’s match only to wake up half way through the overtime.
That unexpected head-butt finally got me into the game. As a died-in-the-wool North American sports fan, here was something I could understand. Two guys loping down the field yapping at one another until finally one guy snaps and takes a shot at his opponent.
Admittedly, I wasn’t expecting a head-butt. I’m more used to a crack block, a cross check or a charge. But a head butt, although unusual, was still something I could relate to.
So imagine my surprise when the soccer world (pardon me, the football world) universally heaped scorn and pity on the French midfielder (whatever the heck that is). What to me was a reason to celebrate was apparently to most a reason to mourn.
It seems that Zinedine Zidane is a feted veteran noted for his stellar and sportsmanlike play. Apparently this physical foul in his last professional game was most uncharacteristic. All I can say is "more’s the pity."
If that’s what it takes to rouse me from my nap and make soccer interesting, then let’s have more of it. No wonder we North American sports fans consider soccer one big yawnfest. With scoring in the range of 1-0, 2-1 or even 0-0, is it any wonder we get excited by an actual shot to the chest?
Let’s face it; if Mr. Zidane were a star hockey or football player, he’d be praised for his unusual form of retaliation. Drive a player into the football field or crush a skater into the boards and you’re celebrated big time. No one here would be musing over the tragic end to an otherwise glorious career. They’d be universally shouting "Way to go, Zinedine!" or "Attaboy, big Z!"
I won’t bore you with my sensible suggestions to liven up the game of soccer. Needless to say, it doesn’t look like FIFA is going to adopt three downs, goal posts or a penalty box any time soon. But until they do, don’t expect me or any of my North American buddies to sign on to a game that makes an Al Gore speech seem exciting by comparison.
In the meantime, I’d like to extend an invitation to Zinedine Zidane to cross over to the world of North American sports. He may be a little long in the tooth, but a man of his obvious athletic ability could surely adapt to football, basketball or even hockey.
Hey, Big Z, put on some shoulder pads, a helmet or even some skates and play a real man’s sport. We like big scores and we like big hits. And if you want to butt a guy in the chest, go ahead. The worst you’ll get is two-minutes or fifteen yards for roughing. Plus you’ll get all the endorsement deals you can sign. That’s the North American way.
As for the first question, if you’ve never been exposed to real football, it’s understandable that you’d call a game where you kick a ball with your foot "football." As for the second question, the French probably would have been more insufferable but we’ll likely never know given their penchant for losing.
As for the final question, why are we even asking it? For non-soccer fans, Mr. Zidane’s head-butt was the most exciting part of the game. Personally, I had settled in for a nap about thirty minutes into last Sunday’s match only to wake up half way through the overtime.
That unexpected head-butt finally got me into the game. As a died-in-the-wool North American sports fan, here was something I could understand. Two guys loping down the field yapping at one another until finally one guy snaps and takes a shot at his opponent.
Admittedly, I wasn’t expecting a head-butt. I’m more used to a crack block, a cross check or a charge. But a head butt, although unusual, was still something I could relate to.
So imagine my surprise when the soccer world (pardon me, the football world) universally heaped scorn and pity on the French midfielder (whatever the heck that is). What to me was a reason to celebrate was apparently to most a reason to mourn.
It seems that Zinedine Zidane is a feted veteran noted for his stellar and sportsmanlike play. Apparently this physical foul in his last professional game was most uncharacteristic. All I can say is "more’s the pity."
If that’s what it takes to rouse me from my nap and make soccer interesting, then let’s have more of it. No wonder we North American sports fans consider soccer one big yawnfest. With scoring in the range of 1-0, 2-1 or even 0-0, is it any wonder we get excited by an actual shot to the chest?
Let’s face it; if Mr. Zidane were a star hockey or football player, he’d be praised for his unusual form of retaliation. Drive a player into the football field or crush a skater into the boards and you’re celebrated big time. No one here would be musing over the tragic end to an otherwise glorious career. They’d be universally shouting "Way to go, Zinedine!" or "Attaboy, big Z!"
I won’t bore you with my sensible suggestions to liven up the game of soccer. Needless to say, it doesn’t look like FIFA is going to adopt three downs, goal posts or a penalty box any time soon. But until they do, don’t expect me or any of my North American buddies to sign on to a game that makes an Al Gore speech seem exciting by comparison.
In the meantime, I’d like to extend an invitation to Zinedine Zidane to cross over to the world of North American sports. He may be a little long in the tooth, but a man of his obvious athletic ability could surely adapt to football, basketball or even hockey.
Hey, Big Z, put on some shoulder pads, a helmet or even some skates and play a real man’s sport. We like big scores and we like big hits. And if you want to butt a guy in the chest, go ahead. The worst you’ll get is two-minutes or fifteen yards for roughing. Plus you’ll get all the endorsement deals you can sign. That’s the North American way.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Welcome to Washington
Dear Mr. Harper:
Thank you for your recent e-mail enquiry about Washington. We here at the District of Columbia Visitors and Convention Bureau are happy to assist you with your upcoming travel plans.
In answer to your first question, the address of The White House is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It is centrally located and is easily reached by taxi or Metro.
Like you, many of our visitors express a desire to meet with the President. A few, such as yourself, even indicate that they have a lunch date with Mr. Bush.
We’re sure that you can appreciate that the President is a very busy man. Although he would like to personally meet and greet every visitor to The White House, time constraints and the duties of the office make that impossible.
Enclosed is a brochure listing the scheduled times for tours of The White House. Please ensure that you arrive at least thirty minutes early in order to comply with current security measures.
Although you will not be able to lunch with the President, please note that there is an onsite cafeteria for your convenience. And who knows? You may be one of the lucky few who actually get to meet Mr. Bush as he has been known to occasionally drop by to say hello to visiting tourists.
It appears from your itinerary that you only intend to spend part of one day in our great city. That is your prerogative but we strongly recommend that you extend your visit in order to take advantage of the many great attractions in the D. C. area. Plus, a longer visit will likely avoid the necessity of phone taps and FBI surveillance.
We notice that you are arriving from Ottawa. Is that the Ottawa in Kansas or the one in Illinois? On the off chance it’s the one in Canada, don’t forget to bring your passport. It’s not an absolute requirement yet but it will definitely decrease the chances of an unexpected delay or full body cavity search at the airport.
As for suggestions for a present for Mr. Bush, a birthday gift is not required. The President is just honored that a fellow citizen would take the time to visit his home in Washington. In fact, the Secret Service prefers that you not bring a gift as that, too, can result in delays and more full body cavity searches.
From the questions in your e-mail, it appears that you have a strong, if not singular, interest in the presidency. Of course, The White House will be your preferred main attraction. But have you considered the many other Washington-area presidential sites? From the Lincoln Memorial to the Washington Monument, the D. C. area is chockablock with things presidential. We strongly recommend adding one or more of these stops to your itinerary if for no other reason than to avoid being labelled an obsessive and receiving special treatment from the FBI.
We will be pleased to pass on your best wishes to Mr. Bush. The President always appreciates support for his position on Iraq. On the other hand, for security reasons, you may want to keep it to yourself that you recently visited Afghanistan.
Frankly, we are somewhat mystified by your comments about beef, cod and softwood lumber. Again, in order to avoid unwanted attention from the FBI, we suggest you not share these concerns with others.
Enjoy your trip to the nation’s capital. The City of Washington is proud to be the repository of many of America’s monuments to freedom and liberty. To minimize your surveillance and maximize your personal freedom and liberty, we hope that you will take an extra day or two to visit our great city.
Sincerely,
The D. C. Visitors and Convention Bureau
Thank you for your recent e-mail enquiry about Washington. We here at the District of Columbia Visitors and Convention Bureau are happy to assist you with your upcoming travel plans.
In answer to your first question, the address of The White House is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It is centrally located and is easily reached by taxi or Metro.
Like you, many of our visitors express a desire to meet with the President. A few, such as yourself, even indicate that they have a lunch date with Mr. Bush.
We’re sure that you can appreciate that the President is a very busy man. Although he would like to personally meet and greet every visitor to The White House, time constraints and the duties of the office make that impossible.
Enclosed is a brochure listing the scheduled times for tours of The White House. Please ensure that you arrive at least thirty minutes early in order to comply with current security measures.
Although you will not be able to lunch with the President, please note that there is an onsite cafeteria for your convenience. And who knows? You may be one of the lucky few who actually get to meet Mr. Bush as he has been known to occasionally drop by to say hello to visiting tourists.
It appears from your itinerary that you only intend to spend part of one day in our great city. That is your prerogative but we strongly recommend that you extend your visit in order to take advantage of the many great attractions in the D. C. area. Plus, a longer visit will likely avoid the necessity of phone taps and FBI surveillance.
We notice that you are arriving from Ottawa. Is that the Ottawa in Kansas or the one in Illinois? On the off chance it’s the one in Canada, don’t forget to bring your passport. It’s not an absolute requirement yet but it will definitely decrease the chances of an unexpected delay or full body cavity search at the airport.
As for suggestions for a present for Mr. Bush, a birthday gift is not required. The President is just honored that a fellow citizen would take the time to visit his home in Washington. In fact, the Secret Service prefers that you not bring a gift as that, too, can result in delays and more full body cavity searches.
From the questions in your e-mail, it appears that you have a strong, if not singular, interest in the presidency. Of course, The White House will be your preferred main attraction. But have you considered the many other Washington-area presidential sites? From the Lincoln Memorial to the Washington Monument, the D. C. area is chockablock with things presidential. We strongly recommend adding one or more of these stops to your itinerary if for no other reason than to avoid being labelled an obsessive and receiving special treatment from the FBI.
We will be pleased to pass on your best wishes to Mr. Bush. The President always appreciates support for his position on Iraq. On the other hand, for security reasons, you may want to keep it to yourself that you recently visited Afghanistan.
Frankly, we are somewhat mystified by your comments about beef, cod and softwood lumber. Again, in order to avoid unwanted attention from the FBI, we suggest you not share these concerns with others.
Enjoy your trip to the nation’s capital. The City of Washington is proud to be the repository of many of America’s monuments to freedom and liberty. To minimize your surveillance and maximize your personal freedom and liberty, we hope that you will take an extra day or two to visit our great city.
Sincerely,
The D. C. Visitors and Convention Bureau
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The Urgent E-mail
FROM: davemartin@hotmail.com
TO: Friends List
SUBJECT: THIS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!!
Dear Friends,
I recently received some VERY, VERY IMPORTANT advice that can maybe even save your life. I never knew this stuff before so please pass it on to everyone you love so they won’t have to needlessly suffer.
1. Be very careful of people calling themselves stockbrokers. Until I decided to invest some of my money, I was unaware of how dangerous these people are. They dress in nice clothes and speak very well but watch out. They’ll try to sell you stocks. That’s right, stocks. Next to drug dealers, these folks are the biggest threat to society. But the police seem to be powerless to stop them. What they do is apparently legal. So when they approach you, be VERY, VERY CAREFUL. Don’t be mesmerized by their talk of perpetual 10% annual returns. Don’t fall for their eternal optimism. When they start talking about "buy" and "strong buy", just nod your head, ask them to send you some literature and back away slowly.
2. I also learned about another dangerous group that have infiltrated our neighborhoods. They’re called politicians and they live among us, often going undetected for years. Thanks to attending one of their covert meetings which they call a "political convention", I’ve discovered their secrets. I want to pass them on to you in case you are attacked. At first, you may not recognize the politician. He looks just like you and me. But he quickly gives himself away with his wide smile, two-handed hearty handshake and constant stream of platitudes. If you meet someone who never stops talking and making unreasonable promises, you’ve been attacked by a politician. Run the other way AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
3. Finally, watch out for any "professional" whose title starts with the letter "A." That means accountants, auditors and maybe even actuaries. These folks pretend to be boring, dependable number crunchers but nothing could be further from the truth. When they offer to balance your books, check your records or "do" your taxes, steer clear. The only thing they want to "do" is a number on you and a financial favor for themselves. Keep your money in your mattress and just say "No."
Please pass this message on to all the people you care about. It’s a crazy world out there and we need to watch out for each other.
TO: Friends List
SUBJECT: THIS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!!
Dear Friends,
I recently received some VERY, VERY IMPORTANT advice that can maybe even save your life. I never knew this stuff before so please pass it on to everyone you love so they won’t have to needlessly suffer.
1. Be very careful of people calling themselves stockbrokers. Until I decided to invest some of my money, I was unaware of how dangerous these people are. They dress in nice clothes and speak very well but watch out. They’ll try to sell you stocks. That’s right, stocks. Next to drug dealers, these folks are the biggest threat to society. But the police seem to be powerless to stop them. What they do is apparently legal. So when they approach you, be VERY, VERY CAREFUL. Don’t be mesmerized by their talk of perpetual 10% annual returns. Don’t fall for their eternal optimism. When they start talking about "buy" and "strong buy", just nod your head, ask them to send you some literature and back away slowly.
2. I also learned about another dangerous group that have infiltrated our neighborhoods. They’re called politicians and they live among us, often going undetected for years. Thanks to attending one of their covert meetings which they call a "political convention", I’ve discovered their secrets. I want to pass them on to you in case you are attacked. At first, you may not recognize the politician. He looks just like you and me. But he quickly gives himself away with his wide smile, two-handed hearty handshake and constant stream of platitudes. If you meet someone who never stops talking and making unreasonable promises, you’ve been attacked by a politician. Run the other way AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
3. Finally, watch out for any "professional" whose title starts with the letter "A." That means accountants, auditors and maybe even actuaries. These folks pretend to be boring, dependable number crunchers but nothing could be further from the truth. When they offer to balance your books, check your records or "do" your taxes, steer clear. The only thing they want to "do" is a number on you and a financial favor for themselves. Keep your money in your mattress and just say "No."
Please pass this message on to all the people you care about. It’s a crazy world out there and we need to watch out for each other.
Monday, June 19, 2006
The M.B.A. President
George W. Bush is America’s first MBA President. This may explain a lot as evidenced by his 1975 Harvard Business School exam paper reproduced below.
Q1. Your corporate headquarters in New York have been sabotaged by a foreign rogue trader. You invade his home territory in hot pursuit but are unsuccessful in tracking him down. What is your preferred option and why?
A1. Rogue traders are notoriously difficult to track down. It is often better to think outside the box. For example, I might seize the opportunity to finish off any unrelated competitors in the region who may have caused trouble for my family’s business in the past. If such a competitor has a desirable resource base, it may be advantageous to fabricate an excuse for a hostile takeover.
Q2. You assume the position of CEO of a thriving business entity with a current accounts surplus of $200 billion. However, there is a moderate economic downturn. What steps would you take to preserve capital and ensure the profitability of your enterprise?
A2. The quickest path to renewed profitability is through generous tax cuts and benefits for the wealthiest shareholders. By implementing such measures and significantly increasing expenditures on hostile takeovers (see answer to Q1.), corporate growth will be sufficiently stimulated to ensure long term profitability. Some minor deficit spending may be necessary although it will eventually be offset by increased tax revenues and generous political donations.
Q3. ABC Corporation is a successful American company that wishes to expand into foreign markets. As ABC’s head of marketing, you are charged with scouting out opportunities in the Middle East and Asia. What would you do to familiarize yourself with these potential markets and what political contacts would you make to facilitate ABC’s entry into these new markets?
A3. My Dad knows a lot about foreign countries and stuff. I think I’d just ask some of his friends to help me out.
Q4. XYZ Corporation has been selling gizmos under its brand name Neo-Conservative for many years. Sales were fairly strong for a number of years but have recently dropped off. What steps would you take to increase XYZ’s market share for its Neo-Conservative brand?
A4. XYZ should offer significant discounts to its wealthiest customers. It should also seek to align its product with growth concepts like “God” and “The American Dream.” Marketing is the process of convincing people that they need to buy your product even if it is ultimately harmful to their best interests. If you can make people believe that owning a Neo-Conservative gizmo will help them become a God-fearing, patriotic, wealthy American, you’re half way there.
Q5. You are the CEO of the largest enterprise in the history of the world. The job requires not only familiarity with business practices but also an in-depth knowledge of complicated domestic and foreign policy issues. How would you prepare yourself for the tasks ahead?
A5. See answer to Q3.
Q6. Your failing oil company has been acquired by HIJ Energy Corporation. You receive shares in HIJ and become a consultant and a director. Just prior to HIJ announcing a huge loss in earnings, you sell most of your shares for a 200% profit. Do you have to file any documents with the Securities and Exchange Commission and, if so, how long do you have?
A6. I’m sorry but I missed the lecture on that topic. I believe I was either completing my Texas Air National Guard service or working on somebody’s election campaign.
Q1. Your corporate headquarters in New York have been sabotaged by a foreign rogue trader. You invade his home territory in hot pursuit but are unsuccessful in tracking him down. What is your preferred option and why?
A1. Rogue traders are notoriously difficult to track down. It is often better to think outside the box. For example, I might seize the opportunity to finish off any unrelated competitors in the region who may have caused trouble for my family’s business in the past. If such a competitor has a desirable resource base, it may be advantageous to fabricate an excuse for a hostile takeover.
Q2. You assume the position of CEO of a thriving business entity with a current accounts surplus of $200 billion. However, there is a moderate economic downturn. What steps would you take to preserve capital and ensure the profitability of your enterprise?
A2. The quickest path to renewed profitability is through generous tax cuts and benefits for the wealthiest shareholders. By implementing such measures and significantly increasing expenditures on hostile takeovers (see answer to Q1.), corporate growth will be sufficiently stimulated to ensure long term profitability. Some minor deficit spending may be necessary although it will eventually be offset by increased tax revenues and generous political donations.
Q3. ABC Corporation is a successful American company that wishes to expand into foreign markets. As ABC’s head of marketing, you are charged with scouting out opportunities in the Middle East and Asia. What would you do to familiarize yourself with these potential markets and what political contacts would you make to facilitate ABC’s entry into these new markets?
A3. My Dad knows a lot about foreign countries and stuff. I think I’d just ask some of his friends to help me out.
Q4. XYZ Corporation has been selling gizmos under its brand name Neo-Conservative for many years. Sales were fairly strong for a number of years but have recently dropped off. What steps would you take to increase XYZ’s market share for its Neo-Conservative brand?
A4. XYZ should offer significant discounts to its wealthiest customers. It should also seek to align its product with growth concepts like “God” and “The American Dream.” Marketing is the process of convincing people that they need to buy your product even if it is ultimately harmful to their best interests. If you can make people believe that owning a Neo-Conservative gizmo will help them become a God-fearing, patriotic, wealthy American, you’re half way there.
Q5. You are the CEO of the largest enterprise in the history of the world. The job requires not only familiarity with business practices but also an in-depth knowledge of complicated domestic and foreign policy issues. How would you prepare yourself for the tasks ahead?
A5. See answer to Q3.
Q6. Your failing oil company has been acquired by HIJ Energy Corporation. You receive shares in HIJ and become a consultant and a director. Just prior to HIJ announcing a huge loss in earnings, you sell most of your shares for a 200% profit. Do you have to file any documents with the Securities and Exchange Commission and, if so, how long do you have?
A6. I’m sorry but I missed the lecture on that topic. I believe I was either completing my Texas Air National Guard service or working on somebody’s election campaign.
Friday, June 16, 2006
The Healthy Canadians
"You can add Canada to the list of nations that are healthier than the United States of America. Americans are 42 per cent more likely than Canadians to have diabetes, 32 per cent more likely to have high blood pressure, and 12 per cent more likely to have arthritis, Harvard Medical School researchers found. That is according to a survey in which American and Canadian adults were asked over the telephone about their health."
- The Associated Press - May 30, 2006
According to one of the co-authors of the Harvard study, Canada’s national health insurance program is at least part of the reason for the differences noted. However, an examination of the Canadian experience suggests that the study’s results may actually be explained by one or more of the following factors:
* Canadians have a weaker dollar and measure their health status in metric. When you consider that one American health unit equals roughly 1.2 Canadian metric health units, there’s probably very little difference in overall well being.
* Canada is cold much of the year. It is a well known fact that colder temperatures slow down the metabolism and thereby preserve and protect organic matter. When Canada is viewed as a national icebox, it’s not surprising that we live longer.
* With our six-month winters, we get significantly less sunlight. That results in lots more sleep which is a proven health restorative.
* Given that Canada is a huge country that is sparsely populated, we automatically get more exercise. In the winter, that often means skating or snowshoeing to work. And unlike in the U. S., Canadians may have to drive miles out of their way to find a donut shop.
* Diet is almost definitely a key factor in explaining our healthier status. In a word - donuts. It is well known that police officers are in top physical condition and are big consumers of donuts. Canadians eat more donuts ‘per capita’ than any other nationality. Ergo, Canadians are more likely to be in top shape.
* Physical health is often directly correlated to psychological health. Canadians’ vaunted concern for one another is evident in the universal greeting "How’s it going, eh?" Such expressions of goodwill likely lead to reduced stress and more communal donut consumption.
* Canadian studies are typically skewed by the "politeness" factor. Researchers north of the border are less likely to label someone unhealthy or obese. Such conclusions are often ignored or discarded as being rude or "not nice."
* Finally, the surprising disparity in blood pressure statistics is probably just an anomaly. Studies conducted prior to January 20, 2001 consistently showed Americans and Canadians with about the same incidence of hypertension. It is believed that with the completion of George W. Bush’s second term on January 20, 2009, the current striking discrepancy will disappear entirely.
- The Associated Press - May 30, 2006
According to one of the co-authors of the Harvard study, Canada’s national health insurance program is at least part of the reason for the differences noted. However, an examination of the Canadian experience suggests that the study’s results may actually be explained by one or more of the following factors:
* Canadians have a weaker dollar and measure their health status in metric. When you consider that one American health unit equals roughly 1.2 Canadian metric health units, there’s probably very little difference in overall well being.
* Canada is cold much of the year. It is a well known fact that colder temperatures slow down the metabolism and thereby preserve and protect organic matter. When Canada is viewed as a national icebox, it’s not surprising that we live longer.
* With our six-month winters, we get significantly less sunlight. That results in lots more sleep which is a proven health restorative.
* Given that Canada is a huge country that is sparsely populated, we automatically get more exercise. In the winter, that often means skating or snowshoeing to work. And unlike in the U. S., Canadians may have to drive miles out of their way to find a donut shop.
* Diet is almost definitely a key factor in explaining our healthier status. In a word - donuts. It is well known that police officers are in top physical condition and are big consumers of donuts. Canadians eat more donuts ‘per capita’ than any other nationality. Ergo, Canadians are more likely to be in top shape.
* Physical health is often directly correlated to psychological health. Canadians’ vaunted concern for one another is evident in the universal greeting "How’s it going, eh?" Such expressions of goodwill likely lead to reduced stress and more communal donut consumption.
* Canadian studies are typically skewed by the "politeness" factor. Researchers north of the border are less likely to label someone unhealthy or obese. Such conclusions are often ignored or discarded as being rude or "not nice."
* Finally, the surprising disparity in blood pressure statistics is probably just an anomaly. Studies conducted prior to January 20, 2001 consistently showed Americans and Canadians with about the same incidence of hypertension. It is believed that with the completion of George W. Bush’s second term on January 20, 2009, the current striking discrepancy will disappear entirely.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Test Your W.Q. Redux
Test your knowledge about George W. Bush with the following questions:
1. By how many votes did W lose to Al Gore in 2000?
2. What did the banner say on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln when W declared an end to hostilities in Iraq?
3. What book was W reading when informed of the 9/11 attacks?
4. How long did W stay in the elementary school after being informed of the attacks?
5. How long did W fail to show up for service in the Texas Air National Guard in 1972-73?
6. What was the title of W’s presidential daily briefing on August 6, 2001?
7. What is the name of W’s smarter, younger brother?
8. Approximately what percentage of his presidency has W spent at his Crawford, Texas ranch, Camp David and Kennebunkport, Maine?
9. In what state did W get arrested for DUI in 1976?
10. How many months was W late in filing a disclosure with the SEC of his sale of shares in Harken Energy?
Answers:
1. About 500,000
2. "Mission Accomplished"
3. "My Pet Goat"
4. Half an hour
5. Approximately one year
6. "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside U.S."
7. Jeb
8. 40%
9. Maine
10. Nine
Score yourself:
0-2 correct: Shame on you. After all, this is the President we’re talking about.
3-4 correct: Not bad but you should probably brush up on your knowledge of W.
5-6 correct: Potential Republican supporter
7-8 correct: Friend of W
9-10 correct: You know way too much about W and are probably a Democrat.
1. By how many votes did W lose to Al Gore in 2000?
2. What did the banner say on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln when W declared an end to hostilities in Iraq?
3. What book was W reading when informed of the 9/11 attacks?
4. How long did W stay in the elementary school after being informed of the attacks?
5. How long did W fail to show up for service in the Texas Air National Guard in 1972-73?
6. What was the title of W’s presidential daily briefing on August 6, 2001?
7. What is the name of W’s smarter, younger brother?
8. Approximately what percentage of his presidency has W spent at his Crawford, Texas ranch, Camp David and Kennebunkport, Maine?
9. In what state did W get arrested for DUI in 1976?
10. How many months was W late in filing a disclosure with the SEC of his sale of shares in Harken Energy?
Answers:
1. About 500,000
2. "Mission Accomplished"
3. "My Pet Goat"
4. Half an hour
5. Approximately one year
6. "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside U.S."
7. Jeb
8. 40%
9. Maine
10. Nine
Score yourself:
0-2 correct: Shame on you. After all, this is the President we’re talking about.
3-4 correct: Not bad but you should probably brush up on your knowledge of W.
5-6 correct: Potential Republican supporter
7-8 correct: Friend of W
9-10 correct: You know way too much about W and are probably a Democrat.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Karl Potter and The White House of Secrets
With the release of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, J. K. Rowling’s publisher is poised to strike it rich once again. Other publishing houses are desperately trying to play catchup and piggyback on Rowling’s success which may explain these soon-to-be-released titles:
Karl Potter and the White House of Secrets
Karl is surprised to learn that he is not a regular boy but rather a political wizard. Enrolled in the West Wing Academy, young Karl helps his boss Dumbasadoor track down the Snitches and de-fang the media. The evil Dems try to defeat Karl but they are no match for his wizardry and obfuscation as he refuses to admit specifically identifying She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
George W. Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Like the phoenix from the title, young George always manages to snatch victory from the jaws of someone else’s victory. With the help of wizards like the Supremes in 2000 and the Fundamentalists in 2004, George captures the White House and goes on to cast an eight-year spell on the electorate. His powers grow as he magically eliminates a $500 billion surplus and starts a war without a single valid reason.
Donny Potter and the Prisoners of Gitmo
Young Donny wants to rid the world of terrorists. Unfortunately, in attempting to do so, he launches his own reign of terror. Rather than fight evil with good, Donny succumbs to the forces of darkness and suspends everything from ‘habeas corpus’ to the right to counsel. In the process, his constitution begins to fail and he becomes one of the very Dementors he was sworn to defeat.
Dick Potter and the Goblet of Oil
His childhood dream was to make his homeland self-sufficient in energy supplies. But good intentions often go awry. As Dick befriends one oil magician after another, he forgets his original goal. Luckily for Dick, he retains significant payments from his friends to at least ensure that his own personal gas tank will never go empty.
Paul Potterwitz and the Half-Saudi Prince
Young Paul has a plan. He wants to use his magical powers to spread freedom throughout the Middle East. By declaring war on one country after another, Paul hopes somehow to create peace by magically turning gators into Gatorade. He finally realizes that the answer to his problem isn’t freedom and democracy after all but rests instead with the evil one known as the Half-Saudi Prince.
Condi Potter and the Sorcerer’s War
Condi has one aim: to serve her sorcerer boss and find a reason, any reason, to justify his next war. Whether it’s magical yellow cake from Niger or the mysterious Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, she always knows just what to say to keep troops on the ground. Even when it turns out her reasons are false, her boss forgives her and promotes her beyond her level of incompetence.
Karl Potter and the White House of Secrets
Karl is surprised to learn that he is not a regular boy but rather a political wizard. Enrolled in the West Wing Academy, young Karl helps his boss Dumbasadoor track down the Snitches and de-fang the media. The evil Dems try to defeat Karl but they are no match for his wizardry and obfuscation as he refuses to admit specifically identifying She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
George W. Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Like the phoenix from the title, young George always manages to snatch victory from the jaws of someone else’s victory. With the help of wizards like the Supremes in 2000 and the Fundamentalists in 2004, George captures the White House and goes on to cast an eight-year spell on the electorate. His powers grow as he magically eliminates a $500 billion surplus and starts a war without a single valid reason.
Donny Potter and the Prisoners of Gitmo
Young Donny wants to rid the world of terrorists. Unfortunately, in attempting to do so, he launches his own reign of terror. Rather than fight evil with good, Donny succumbs to the forces of darkness and suspends everything from ‘habeas corpus’ to the right to counsel. In the process, his constitution begins to fail and he becomes one of the very Dementors he was sworn to defeat.
Dick Potter and the Goblet of Oil
His childhood dream was to make his homeland self-sufficient in energy supplies. But good intentions often go awry. As Dick befriends one oil magician after another, he forgets his original goal. Luckily for Dick, he retains significant payments from his friends to at least ensure that his own personal gas tank will never go empty.
Paul Potterwitz and the Half-Saudi Prince
Young Paul has a plan. He wants to use his magical powers to spread freedom throughout the Middle East. By declaring war on one country after another, Paul hopes somehow to create peace by magically turning gators into Gatorade. He finally realizes that the answer to his problem isn’t freedom and democracy after all but rests instead with the evil one known as the Half-Saudi Prince.
Condi Potter and the Sorcerer’s War
Condi has one aim: to serve her sorcerer boss and find a reason, any reason, to justify his next war. Whether it’s magical yellow cake from Niger or the mysterious Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, she always knows just what to say to keep troops on the ground. Even when it turns out her reasons are false, her boss forgives her and promotes her beyond her level of incompetence.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Kidney Stone Magazine
The magazine industry is nothing if not adaptable. Whatever the latest trend, whoever the latest celebrity, wherever there’s a demographic, the periodical people will cover it with a magazine. From All About Beer to Rosie, there’s a magazine for or about almost everyone. Check out these new publications at your local newsstand:
MISFORTUNE
This is the business monthly for businesspeople on long term sabbatical. With the fastest growing circulation of any new periodical, Misfortune provides useful financial advice to America’s incarcerated business executives and CEOs. Look for articles on how to cover up those nasty accounting “errors”, where to hide your illegal stock options and ten great offshore vacation destinations for you and your money.
PASSABLE HOUSEKEEPING
In today’s modern world where both spouses have to work, there’s little time for housekeeping. You may not be able to afford a housekeeper but you can afford a subscription to Passable Housekeeping, the magazine that shows you how to avoid housework while still meeting most federal minimum health and safety standards. Learn the secrets of dirt and dust relocation, high octane toilet cleansers and disposable paper bedding that will help you stay sane in this crazy 24/7 world we live in.
KIDNEY STONE
This is the rock magazine for aging baby boomers. Kidney Stone celebrates the indisputable fact that no great rock music has been produced since 1975. Interviews with aging rock stars are interspersed with obituaries of expired rock stars.
MARTHA STEWART SERVING (TIME)
America’s favorite lifestyle guru applies her talents to that oft-neglected area of American life - the penal system. Ms. Stewart hopes to be able to give a behind the scenes look at the diet, lifestyle and living quarters of today’s upscale inmate. The inaugural issue deals with such timely topics as celebrating holidays with your cellmate, decorating possibilities using prison blues and grays and the proper etiquette for service of court documents.
W GUIDE
Curious about what your President is up to? Wonder where he’ll be tomorrow, next week or next month? Then you need W Guide, the daily listing of the activities of George W. Bush. Helpful sections at the front and back rate the top domestic policies for the year, list Mr. Bush’s weekly foreign policy shifts and provide helpful translations of his daily malapropisms.
BILL
Like Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O’Donnell before him, Bill Clinton is launching a new magazine to complement his upcoming talk show. The eponymous periodical will feature “all things Bill” including Mr. Clinton’s favorite foods, beverages, wardrobes and companions. From policy discussions to cigar preferences, you’ll get an inside look at the life of America’s 42nd President that you’ve probably already had before.
MISFORTUNE
This is the business monthly for businesspeople on long term sabbatical. With the fastest growing circulation of any new periodical, Misfortune provides useful financial advice to America’s incarcerated business executives and CEOs. Look for articles on how to cover up those nasty accounting “errors”, where to hide your illegal stock options and ten great offshore vacation destinations for you and your money.
PASSABLE HOUSEKEEPING
In today’s modern world where both spouses have to work, there’s little time for housekeeping. You may not be able to afford a housekeeper but you can afford a subscription to Passable Housekeeping, the magazine that shows you how to avoid housework while still meeting most federal minimum health and safety standards. Learn the secrets of dirt and dust relocation, high octane toilet cleansers and disposable paper bedding that will help you stay sane in this crazy 24/7 world we live in.
KIDNEY STONE
This is the rock magazine for aging baby boomers. Kidney Stone celebrates the indisputable fact that no great rock music has been produced since 1975. Interviews with aging rock stars are interspersed with obituaries of expired rock stars.
MARTHA STEWART SERVING (TIME)
America’s favorite lifestyle guru applies her talents to that oft-neglected area of American life - the penal system. Ms. Stewart hopes to be able to give a behind the scenes look at the diet, lifestyle and living quarters of today’s upscale inmate. The inaugural issue deals with such timely topics as celebrating holidays with your cellmate, decorating possibilities using prison blues and grays and the proper etiquette for service of court documents.
W GUIDE
Curious about what your President is up to? Wonder where he’ll be tomorrow, next week or next month? Then you need W Guide, the daily listing of the activities of George W. Bush. Helpful sections at the front and back rate the top domestic policies for the year, list Mr. Bush’s weekly foreign policy shifts and provide helpful translations of his daily malapropisms.
BILL
Like Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O’Donnell before him, Bill Clinton is launching a new magazine to complement his upcoming talk show. The eponymous periodical will feature “all things Bill” including Mr. Clinton’s favorite foods, beverages, wardrobes and companions. From policy discussions to cigar preferences, you’ll get an inside look at the life of America’s 42nd President that you’ve probably already had before.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Candid Phone
In an attempt to improve its tarnished image, the National Security Agency is planning to produce its own fun-filled, prime-time television show. Scheduled to air on the FOX network this fall, "Candid Phone" will feature the funniest audio clips from the NSA’s data bank of billions of intercepted calls.
"Sure, this is serious business," said NSA Deputy Director and new Head of Programming Bill Black. "But there’s a lighter side, too, which we want to share with the American public."
At a recent press conference announcing the show’s fall launch, Mr. Black teased the assembled media reporters with a few hilarious clips from the upcoming season. In the interests of protecting the callers’ privacy, all of the participants remain unidentified.
DECEMBER 1, 2004
CALLER 1: Where the hell are the WMDs, George?
CALLER 2: Well, Mr. ********, it turns out there aren’t any.
CALLER 1: Aren’t any? Aren’t any? But you said it was a slam-dunk.
CALLER 2: In all fairness, Mr. *********, I believe I said Saddam was a damn skunk.
CALLER 1: Oh great. Well the only thing I can do now is give you the *********ial Medal of Freedom.
CALLER 2: Gee, thanks Mr. *********. That’s a great honor.
CALLER 1: Don’t let it go to your head. If you’d screwed up anymore, I would have had to promote you to Secretary of Defense.
FEBRUARY 13, 2006
CALLER 1: You shot him where, Dick?
CALLER 2: In the face, Mr. *********.
CALLER 1: In the face, Dick?
CALLER 2: Yes, sir, in the face.
CALLER 1: I take it you don’t like this guy.
CALLER 2: No, no, he’s a good friend.
CALLER 1: Well this is going to be a public relations nightmare.
CALLER 2: Not to worry, Mr. *********. He already apologized.
APRIL 15, 2006
CALLER 1: I’m getting darn sick and tired of you waltzing all over the globe. It’s my turn to run and you should be here to help.
CALLER 2: You’re right, darling. Just as soon as I finish my speaking tour and get these few golfing dates out of the way, I’m all yours.
CALLER 1: Don’t you darling me, you hillbilly Lothario. If I hadn’t stood by you during all those bimbo eruptions, you wouldn’t be pulling down those six-figure speaking fees.
CALLER 2: That’s true, sweetcakes. But don’t forget; all that money can help you win the next election. And then I’ll be right by your side in the ***** House.
CALLER 1: A lot of good that’s doing me now. If I have to move to the right on one more issue or support one more useless war to get that nomination, I’m going to scream.
CALLER 2: Ha, ha. That’s funny H******. Listen, honey, they just called my tee time so I have to go. There’s a small reception afterwards so I might be a bit late. Don’t wait up; I’ll let myself in.
MAY 15, 2006
CALLER 1: The Gallup Organization. How may I help you?
CALLER 2: Are you the folks who do all the fancy polls?
CALLER 1: Yes, sir, that’s part of what we do.
CALLER 2: Look, I don’t know who you’re all calling on those presidential approval surveys, but you never called me. Plus, I checked with all my friends and none of them ever got a call either. No wonder the President is getting a 29% approval rating.
CALLER 1: Well, sir, those polls are conducted on a limited, random sample of voters across the country. The odds of any one citizen receiving a call from us are very small.
CALLER 2: OK, maybe I can save you folks some time and money. I’ve got a list of people here in the 202 area code who’d be happy to participate whenever you’d like. Most of these numbers are for cell phones, too, so you can get a hold of ‘em day or night. Whaddya say?
CALLER 1: [click]
"Sure, this is serious business," said NSA Deputy Director and new Head of Programming Bill Black. "But there’s a lighter side, too, which we want to share with the American public."
At a recent press conference announcing the show’s fall launch, Mr. Black teased the assembled media reporters with a few hilarious clips from the upcoming season. In the interests of protecting the callers’ privacy, all of the participants remain unidentified.
DECEMBER 1, 2004
CALLER 1: Where the hell are the WMDs, George?
CALLER 2: Well, Mr. ********, it turns out there aren’t any.
CALLER 1: Aren’t any? Aren’t any? But you said it was a slam-dunk.
CALLER 2: In all fairness, Mr. *********, I believe I said Saddam was a damn skunk.
CALLER 1: Oh great. Well the only thing I can do now is give you the *********ial Medal of Freedom.
CALLER 2: Gee, thanks Mr. *********. That’s a great honor.
CALLER 1: Don’t let it go to your head. If you’d screwed up anymore, I would have had to promote you to Secretary of Defense.
FEBRUARY 13, 2006
CALLER 1: You shot him where, Dick?
CALLER 2: In the face, Mr. *********.
CALLER 1: In the face, Dick?
CALLER 2: Yes, sir, in the face.
CALLER 1: I take it you don’t like this guy.
CALLER 2: No, no, he’s a good friend.
CALLER 1: Well this is going to be a public relations nightmare.
CALLER 2: Not to worry, Mr. *********. He already apologized.
APRIL 15, 2006
CALLER 1: I’m getting darn sick and tired of you waltzing all over the globe. It’s my turn to run and you should be here to help.
CALLER 2: You’re right, darling. Just as soon as I finish my speaking tour and get these few golfing dates out of the way, I’m all yours.
CALLER 1: Don’t you darling me, you hillbilly Lothario. If I hadn’t stood by you during all those bimbo eruptions, you wouldn’t be pulling down those six-figure speaking fees.
CALLER 2: That’s true, sweetcakes. But don’t forget; all that money can help you win the next election. And then I’ll be right by your side in the ***** House.
CALLER 1: A lot of good that’s doing me now. If I have to move to the right on one more issue or support one more useless war to get that nomination, I’m going to scream.
CALLER 2: Ha, ha. That’s funny H******. Listen, honey, they just called my tee time so I have to go. There’s a small reception afterwards so I might be a bit late. Don’t wait up; I’ll let myself in.
MAY 15, 2006
CALLER 1: The Gallup Organization. How may I help you?
CALLER 2: Are you the folks who do all the fancy polls?
CALLER 1: Yes, sir, that’s part of what we do.
CALLER 2: Look, I don’t know who you’re all calling on those presidential approval surveys, but you never called me. Plus, I checked with all my friends and none of them ever got a call either. No wonder the President is getting a 29% approval rating.
CALLER 1: Well, sir, those polls are conducted on a limited, random sample of voters across the country. The odds of any one citizen receiving a call from us are very small.
CALLER 2: OK, maybe I can save you folks some time and money. I’ve got a list of people here in the 202 area code who’d be happy to participate whenever you’d like. Most of these numbers are for cell phones, too, so you can get a hold of ‘em day or night. Whaddya say?
CALLER 1: [click]
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The Canadian Bushman
Barely reliable sources have revealed the following unedited transcript of a recent telephone conversation between Prime Minister Stephen Harper and U. S. President George W. Bush:
Stephen Harper: Mr. President. Thank you for taking my call.
George W. Bush: No problemo, Damien. I hope you don’t mind me calling you Damien. I’m just trying out some nicknames for you and you kinda remind me of that scary kid in that "Omen" movie.
SH: Sure, Mr. President, that’s fine.
GWB: Hey, call me W or George there, Damien. Everybody else does. Except for Saddam Hussein and Maureen Dowd, that is. Heh, heh.
SH: Ah.....OK, George.
GWB: What can I do you for, Stevereenio?
SH: Well, George, I just wanted to thank you for that great advice last week. That surprise visit to Afghanistan really worked. The poll numbers are way up.
GWB: Glad I could help, Stevebo. I always found that chowing down with the troops with a fake turkey pays big dividends in the approval rating. Tends to make the voters forget about all the screw-ups. Heh, heh.
SH: I was kind of hoping that you could help me out with a few other issues.
GWB: You bet, Harper Valley. First off, I understand you don’t have a clear majority. Don’t worry about it; that never stopped me. But I would suggest you register as many of those Canadian voters in Florida as you can. You never know when that may come in handy.
SH: I’ll keep that in mind, George. But right now I’m more concerned with budget matters. What financial tricks can you teach me?
GWB: Piece of cake, NeoCanCon. Just stop running all those budget surpluses. What are you saving it for - a rainy day? Spend the money now any way you can - tax cuts, war, homeland security - you name it.
SH: But that’s going to cause a deficit and increase the national debt!
GWB: Bingo, Roboman. You must be one of them there economists. Look; forget all that fancy theory stuff. Just spend ‘til it hurts and guaranteed you’ll get reelected. I don’t know why it works but it just does. After all, look at me!
SH: OK. Sounds good. But what about healthcare? We’ve got a real problem up here with waiting lists and hospital beds.
GWB: What you gotta do, Cloneboy, is to create a diversion. Ever thought of starting a war? It’s real easy. You can declare war on fear or hate or something like that or you can just invade a country. But make sure it’s a small one. I kinda miscalculated on Iraq. But once you’ve got a war going, you can justify just about anything on the basis of national security, even privatising your healthcare system. And if anyone starts criticizing you, just call ‘em a traitor. Works every time.
SH: Sounds great, George. Come to think of it, Iceland has been looking at us kind of funny lately. But our military is spread pretty thin right now. What can we do about that?
GWB: Wish I could help you out there, Gladman, but ours is getting a bit thin, too. All I can tell you is to devote more of your budget to army stuff. Cut back on health, education and welfare spending if you have to. By the time anyone notices, you’ll be long gone anyway. Word to the wise, though. Don’t stint on levee building. That one’ll bite you in the ass every time.
SH: But that means I’d have to break some of my campaign promises.
GWB: Like not recruiting members from the other side or appointing only elected senators?
SH: Heh, heh. Oh yeah, I forgot.
GWB: Look, Droidguy, breaking promises is like making love or riding a bicycle. Every time you do it, it gets easier. Well, come to think of it, maybe not that bike riding thing.
SH: Thanks, George, for all the advice. It’s clear I still have a few things to learn about governing.
GWB: Oh, I think you’ll do fine, Minority Man. From what Dick Cheney tells me, you’re already half way to becoming a Canadian Bushman. Gotta go, Stepford. Still got some tax and brush cutting to do.
Stephen Harper: Mr. President. Thank you for taking my call.
George W. Bush: No problemo, Damien. I hope you don’t mind me calling you Damien. I’m just trying out some nicknames for you and you kinda remind me of that scary kid in that "Omen" movie.
SH: Sure, Mr. President, that’s fine.
GWB: Hey, call me W or George there, Damien. Everybody else does. Except for Saddam Hussein and Maureen Dowd, that is. Heh, heh.
SH: Ah.....OK, George.
GWB: What can I do you for, Stevereenio?
SH: Well, George, I just wanted to thank you for that great advice last week. That surprise visit to Afghanistan really worked. The poll numbers are way up.
GWB: Glad I could help, Stevebo. I always found that chowing down with the troops with a fake turkey pays big dividends in the approval rating. Tends to make the voters forget about all the screw-ups. Heh, heh.
SH: I was kind of hoping that you could help me out with a few other issues.
GWB: You bet, Harper Valley. First off, I understand you don’t have a clear majority. Don’t worry about it; that never stopped me. But I would suggest you register as many of those Canadian voters in Florida as you can. You never know when that may come in handy.
SH: I’ll keep that in mind, George. But right now I’m more concerned with budget matters. What financial tricks can you teach me?
GWB: Piece of cake, NeoCanCon. Just stop running all those budget surpluses. What are you saving it for - a rainy day? Spend the money now any way you can - tax cuts, war, homeland security - you name it.
SH: But that’s going to cause a deficit and increase the national debt!
GWB: Bingo, Roboman. You must be one of them there economists. Look; forget all that fancy theory stuff. Just spend ‘til it hurts and guaranteed you’ll get reelected. I don’t know why it works but it just does. After all, look at me!
SH: OK. Sounds good. But what about healthcare? We’ve got a real problem up here with waiting lists and hospital beds.
GWB: What you gotta do, Cloneboy, is to create a diversion. Ever thought of starting a war? It’s real easy. You can declare war on fear or hate or something like that or you can just invade a country. But make sure it’s a small one. I kinda miscalculated on Iraq. But once you’ve got a war going, you can justify just about anything on the basis of national security, even privatising your healthcare system. And if anyone starts criticizing you, just call ‘em a traitor. Works every time.
SH: Sounds great, George. Come to think of it, Iceland has been looking at us kind of funny lately. But our military is spread pretty thin right now. What can we do about that?
GWB: Wish I could help you out there, Gladman, but ours is getting a bit thin, too. All I can tell you is to devote more of your budget to army stuff. Cut back on health, education and welfare spending if you have to. By the time anyone notices, you’ll be long gone anyway. Word to the wise, though. Don’t stint on levee building. That one’ll bite you in the ass every time.
SH: But that means I’d have to break some of my campaign promises.
GWB: Like not recruiting members from the other side or appointing only elected senators?
SH: Heh, heh. Oh yeah, I forgot.
GWB: Look, Droidguy, breaking promises is like making love or riding a bicycle. Every time you do it, it gets easier. Well, come to think of it, maybe not that bike riding thing.
SH: Thanks, George, for all the advice. It’s clear I still have a few things to learn about governing.
GWB: Oh, I think you’ll do fine, Minority Man. From what Dick Cheney tells me, you’re already half way to becoming a Canadian Bushman. Gotta go, Stepford. Still got some tax and brush cutting to do.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
My Friend George
Dear George,
I know we haven’t been very close these last few years. It seems like we’ve gotten caught up in our own individual pursuits and forgotten about each other. What with my writing career taking off and your unilateral invasions of middle eastern nations possessing no weapons of mass destruction, we just seem to have drifted apart.
Well, I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. From what I can gather, you could really use a friend right now.
Let’s face it; sometimes people can be cruel. Just because you made a few mistakes, that’s no reason for folks to give you a hard time.
I have to admit that I’m a bit worried about you. For some reason, I couldn’t get hold of Scooter and Karl won’t return my calls. Are you still talking to those guys or are you on the outs?
You know, when times get tough, you need some friends to rely on. Why not give Harriet a call? As I recall, she’s a big fan of yours, right?
And remember to look on the bright side. Sure, 67% of Americans disapprove of the job you’re doing. But that means 33% think you’re OK and the last time I checked that’s still marginally better than Richard Nixon’s numbers at this stage.
It also means millions of folks think you’re a good guy. That’s something to take comfort in. The fact that most of them also think that Adam and Eve walked with dinosaurs in no way diminishes that support.
I hope you’re not upset with the latest election results. Despite what the press are saying, you had nothing to do with the defeat of all those Republicans. After all, how could you have since none of them even asked for your help?
Don’t forget, you still have thousands of friends in the highest income bracket. Those folks really, really appreciate everything you did for them and I’m sure they won’t forget you soon. I can’t imagine your ineligibility for a third term will make them fair weather friends. Just because they’re making huge donations to other candidates now doesn’t mean they don’t still care about you.
Hey, maybe it’s time to take a break. That one-month vacation you take every August is not really much of a rest. You’re still chopping wood, clearing brush and riding your bike. Let’s face it; as you would say, that’s hard work.
And last year you didn’t even get the whole month off thanks to that Katrina thing. In the middle of all those recriminations about screwed up hurricane relief, I think folks forget that you lost out on your last week of holidays.
How about taking a few weeks right now? Go down to the ranch, kick off your boots and just read a few books. Or if you haven’t got any books, just watch TV.
And don’t worry about the country. I’m sure people can get along without you for a few weeks. Maybe even longer.
One last piece of advice: don’t isolate yourself. The last thing you want to do is end up like that Nixon fellow.
If you ever feel yourself getting a bit down or paranoid, just give me a call. I don’t mind holding on to that special briefcase with the nuclear war plans until you’re feeling better. I figure it’s the least I can do.
Your friend,
Dave
I know we haven’t been very close these last few years. It seems like we’ve gotten caught up in our own individual pursuits and forgotten about each other. What with my writing career taking off and your unilateral invasions of middle eastern nations possessing no weapons of mass destruction, we just seem to have drifted apart.
Well, I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. From what I can gather, you could really use a friend right now.
Let’s face it; sometimes people can be cruel. Just because you made a few mistakes, that’s no reason for folks to give you a hard time.
I have to admit that I’m a bit worried about you. For some reason, I couldn’t get hold of Scooter and Karl won’t return my calls. Are you still talking to those guys or are you on the outs?
You know, when times get tough, you need some friends to rely on. Why not give Harriet a call? As I recall, she’s a big fan of yours, right?
And remember to look on the bright side. Sure, 67% of Americans disapprove of the job you’re doing. But that means 33% think you’re OK and the last time I checked that’s still marginally better than Richard Nixon’s numbers at this stage.
It also means millions of folks think you’re a good guy. That’s something to take comfort in. The fact that most of them also think that Adam and Eve walked with dinosaurs in no way diminishes that support.
I hope you’re not upset with the latest election results. Despite what the press are saying, you had nothing to do with the defeat of all those Republicans. After all, how could you have since none of them even asked for your help?
Don’t forget, you still have thousands of friends in the highest income bracket. Those folks really, really appreciate everything you did for them and I’m sure they won’t forget you soon. I can’t imagine your ineligibility for a third term will make them fair weather friends. Just because they’re making huge donations to other candidates now doesn’t mean they don’t still care about you.
Hey, maybe it’s time to take a break. That one-month vacation you take every August is not really much of a rest. You’re still chopping wood, clearing brush and riding your bike. Let’s face it; as you would say, that’s hard work.
And last year you didn’t even get the whole month off thanks to that Katrina thing. In the middle of all those recriminations about screwed up hurricane relief, I think folks forget that you lost out on your last week of holidays.
How about taking a few weeks right now? Go down to the ranch, kick off your boots and just read a few books. Or if you haven’t got any books, just watch TV.
And don’t worry about the country. I’m sure people can get along without you for a few weeks. Maybe even longer.
One last piece of advice: don’t isolate yourself. The last thing you want to do is end up like that Nixon fellow.
If you ever feel yourself getting a bit down or paranoid, just give me a call. I don’t mind holding on to that special briefcase with the nuclear war plans until you’re feeling better. I figure it’s the least I can do.
Your friend,
Dave
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Politically Incorrect Weekend
It’s hard being a good liberal these days. Between buying the right coffee and driving the right vehicle, being politically correct has never been so difficult.
But that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect 24/7. Everyone deserves a break, including you. That’s why we’re offering a special "politically incorrect weekend" for the over-burdened liberal. Two days of forbidden pleasures and you’ll feel ready to tackle the evils of the world with renewed energy.
We’ll pick you up Saturday morning in a big honkin’ SUV of your choice. Then we’ll drive you to the tackiest suburban shopping mall you’ve ever seen for an entire afternoon of sinful shopping. Check out the sweatshop running shoes at Shoe World or the sealskin slippers at the We Don’t Give a Damn Store. You’ll find clothing items from every underprivileged, third world country you can imagine.
After your afternoon of politically incorrect purchases, it’s off to a local sports bar for a dinner you’ll never forget. Large-breasted, scantily-clad waitresses will bring you any cocktail your heart desires. From Scotch on the rocks to an extra dry martini, it’s yours for the asking. If you want, you can even order a domestic beer.
And the dinner selections will make you feel downright evil. From the well-marbled, antibiotic-laden T-bone steak to the milk-fed, pen-raised veal, you’ll savour delights you probably haven’t tasted for years.
After dinner, it’s time to check into your very own room at the local Budget Motel. Leave all the lights on, use as many towels as you want and keep flushing the toilet. Screw the environment; you’re on holiday.
And don’t bother turning off the TV. It’s there for your secret enjoyment. That’s right; you’ve got cable. And, best of all, there’s no PBS or A&E. Gorge yourself on The Apprentice, Survivor and American Idol. It’s alright. Go ahead. No one will ever know.
Day two starts with a "bad boy" breakfast at The Pancake Emporium. Knock back a stack of chemical-laced flapjacks topped with your favorite genuine, imitation maple syrup. Or go hog wild with eggs and bacon. No free-range, grain-fed, pesticide-free food here.
Sunday morning is free time for you. We’ve provided a roomful of guilty reading pleasures like The New York Post, The National Review and The Economist. But if you’d rather watch more TV, that’s entirely up to you.
After a delicious deli lunch of your choice of chemically-cured meat on rye, it’s off to the movies. We’ve reserved a local six-screen cineplex to allow you to choose your own favorite never-seen films. Watch American Pie or Porky’s or take in the Adam Sandler film festival. Remember, nobody has to know.
Then it’s off to your final dinner, a repast from the past. We’re sending you to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. That’s right. All your old favorites are there. Like sweet and sour chicken balls, egg rolls with plum sauce and chicken chow mein. And if you need a doggie bag, just ask one of the authentic Chinese waiters to bring you a "reftover bag." Don’t worry; no one will be offended.
As you luxuriate with your fellow holidayers after the meal, indulge yourself with a Black Russian and a Cuban cigar and join in the witty banter. If you want to say "Some of my best friends are Negroes" or "What do those people want anyway?" or "I’m not saying Hitler was right but I’m not saying he was wrong either", go ahead. No one’s keeping score.
When the SUV drops you off at home Sunday night, you’ll feel like a conservative king. And why not? Because tomorrow it’ll be back to life as an earnest liberal democrat. You fight the good fight all year long. Don’t you deserve at least one weekend of fun?
But that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect 24/7. Everyone deserves a break, including you. That’s why we’re offering a special "politically incorrect weekend" for the over-burdened liberal. Two days of forbidden pleasures and you’ll feel ready to tackle the evils of the world with renewed energy.
We’ll pick you up Saturday morning in a big honkin’ SUV of your choice. Then we’ll drive you to the tackiest suburban shopping mall you’ve ever seen for an entire afternoon of sinful shopping. Check out the sweatshop running shoes at Shoe World or the sealskin slippers at the We Don’t Give a Damn Store. You’ll find clothing items from every underprivileged, third world country you can imagine.
After your afternoon of politically incorrect purchases, it’s off to a local sports bar for a dinner you’ll never forget. Large-breasted, scantily-clad waitresses will bring you any cocktail your heart desires. From Scotch on the rocks to an extra dry martini, it’s yours for the asking. If you want, you can even order a domestic beer.
And the dinner selections will make you feel downright evil. From the well-marbled, antibiotic-laden T-bone steak to the milk-fed, pen-raised veal, you’ll savour delights you probably haven’t tasted for years.
After dinner, it’s time to check into your very own room at the local Budget Motel. Leave all the lights on, use as many towels as you want and keep flushing the toilet. Screw the environment; you’re on holiday.
And don’t bother turning off the TV. It’s there for your secret enjoyment. That’s right; you’ve got cable. And, best of all, there’s no PBS or A&E. Gorge yourself on The Apprentice, Survivor and American Idol. It’s alright. Go ahead. No one will ever know.
Day two starts with a "bad boy" breakfast at The Pancake Emporium. Knock back a stack of chemical-laced flapjacks topped with your favorite genuine, imitation maple syrup. Or go hog wild with eggs and bacon. No free-range, grain-fed, pesticide-free food here.
Sunday morning is free time for you. We’ve provided a roomful of guilty reading pleasures like The New York Post, The National Review and The Economist. But if you’d rather watch more TV, that’s entirely up to you.
After a delicious deli lunch of your choice of chemically-cured meat on rye, it’s off to the movies. We’ve reserved a local six-screen cineplex to allow you to choose your own favorite never-seen films. Watch American Pie or Porky’s or take in the Adam Sandler film festival. Remember, nobody has to know.
Then it’s off to your final dinner, a repast from the past. We’re sending you to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. That’s right. All your old favorites are there. Like sweet and sour chicken balls, egg rolls with plum sauce and chicken chow mein. And if you need a doggie bag, just ask one of the authentic Chinese waiters to bring you a "reftover bag." Don’t worry; no one will be offended.
As you luxuriate with your fellow holidayers after the meal, indulge yourself with a Black Russian and a Cuban cigar and join in the witty banter. If you want to say "Some of my best friends are Negroes" or "What do those people want anyway?" or "I’m not saying Hitler was right but I’m not saying he was wrong either", go ahead. No one’s keeping score.
When the SUV drops you off at home Sunday night, you’ll feel like a conservative king. And why not? Because tomorrow it’ll be back to life as an earnest liberal democrat. You fight the good fight all year long. Don’t you deserve at least one weekend of fun?
Monday, May 29, 2006
The New Hitler
The rash of recent Hitler comparisons has caused descendants of the Fuhrer to launch a public campaign to protect the memory of the late dictator.
"He was an evil megalomaniac of the first order," said family spokesperson Larry Hitler of Berlin, Ohio. "It’s unfair to keep comparing the Bush Administration to one of the most ruthless regimes of all time."
Larry, who is Adolph’s third cousin twice removed, said that a number of distant Hitler relatives recently decided that enough was enough.
"We couldn’t stand by and see Adolph’s sterling reputation for evil besmirched by a second rate gang of pretenders," said Larry. "I read about Adolph Hitler, I’m related to Adolph Hitler and George W. Bush is no Adolph Hitler."
Asked to comment on recent Hitler comparisons concerning excesses at Guantanamo Bay and the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, the Berlin resident sighed and dismissed the charges as laughable.
"The Bush Administration has killed a few prisoners and tortured what - maybe a few thousand more?" said Mr. Hitler. "That’s not bad but it hardly compares to the millions my cousin killed."
Asked for his view on the Iraq War, Mr. Hitler was equally curt.
"The unilateral invasion of one or two nations is hardly reason to rank Mr. Bush with the leader of the Third Reich," said Mr. Hitler. "Remember, we’re talking about a guy who unilaterally invaded half a dozen different countries. When and if Mr. Bush invades Syria, Iran and North Korea, maybe we can start talking ‘new Hitler’ but not until then."
Similarly, the Bush Administration’s profiling and harassment of Muslims both at home and abroad falls far short of the Hitler gold standard according to the family spokesman.
"It’s a start," said Mr. Hitler. "And I have to hand it to Mr. Bush for his crusade reference, his religious fundamentalism and his suspension of civil liberties. But he’s got a long way to go before he deserves comparison with the master of genocide."
And when it comes to desolation and destruction, Mr. Hitler says that Mr. Bush can’t hold a candle to his much-maligned cousin.
"Thanks to his grandiose plans and schemes, Adolph left Germany in ruins," said Larry. "Mr. Bush has only brought America to the brink of financial insolvency. That’s hardly apocalyptic."
Comparisons to Hitler henchmen like Joseph Goebbels also get Hitler family members riled.
"Remember, Goebbels was the master of the big lie," said Larry Hitler. "The best that can be said about the efforts of folks like Karl Rove and Dick Cheney is that they qualify as medium lies. When less than half of the American public still believes in weapons of mass destruction and an Osama-Saddam connection, it’s insulting to put such fabrications in the same league as Joseph’s whoppers."
Larry Hitler says he hopes calmer heads will prevail and that the recent spate of Hitler analogies can be stopped now.
"Unless and until Mr. Bush achieves his true potential," said Mr. Hitler. "I just don’t think comparing him to Adolph is fair to anybody. I’m not saying he couldn’t be the next Hitler but let’s not jump the gun."
Hitler family members have apparently not ruled out taking their grievances to the U. S. Supreme Court which they are confident would grant them the relief they seek.
"Let’s face it," said Larry Hitler. "So long as we have a judiciary that protects private property from business needs and won’t interfere in free elections, we’re a long way yet from a truly fascist state."
"He was an evil megalomaniac of the first order," said family spokesperson Larry Hitler of Berlin, Ohio. "It’s unfair to keep comparing the Bush Administration to one of the most ruthless regimes of all time."
Larry, who is Adolph’s third cousin twice removed, said that a number of distant Hitler relatives recently decided that enough was enough.
"We couldn’t stand by and see Adolph’s sterling reputation for evil besmirched by a second rate gang of pretenders," said Larry. "I read about Adolph Hitler, I’m related to Adolph Hitler and George W. Bush is no Adolph Hitler."
Asked to comment on recent Hitler comparisons concerning excesses at Guantanamo Bay and the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, the Berlin resident sighed and dismissed the charges as laughable.
"The Bush Administration has killed a few prisoners and tortured what - maybe a few thousand more?" said Mr. Hitler. "That’s not bad but it hardly compares to the millions my cousin killed."
Asked for his view on the Iraq War, Mr. Hitler was equally curt.
"The unilateral invasion of one or two nations is hardly reason to rank Mr. Bush with the leader of the Third Reich," said Mr. Hitler. "Remember, we’re talking about a guy who unilaterally invaded half a dozen different countries. When and if Mr. Bush invades Syria, Iran and North Korea, maybe we can start talking ‘new Hitler’ but not until then."
Similarly, the Bush Administration’s profiling and harassment of Muslims both at home and abroad falls far short of the Hitler gold standard according to the family spokesman.
"It’s a start," said Mr. Hitler. "And I have to hand it to Mr. Bush for his crusade reference, his religious fundamentalism and his suspension of civil liberties. But he’s got a long way to go before he deserves comparison with the master of genocide."
And when it comes to desolation and destruction, Mr. Hitler says that Mr. Bush can’t hold a candle to his much-maligned cousin.
"Thanks to his grandiose plans and schemes, Adolph left Germany in ruins," said Larry. "Mr. Bush has only brought America to the brink of financial insolvency. That’s hardly apocalyptic."
Comparisons to Hitler henchmen like Joseph Goebbels also get Hitler family members riled.
"Remember, Goebbels was the master of the big lie," said Larry Hitler. "The best that can be said about the efforts of folks like Karl Rove and Dick Cheney is that they qualify as medium lies. When less than half of the American public still believes in weapons of mass destruction and an Osama-Saddam connection, it’s insulting to put such fabrications in the same league as Joseph’s whoppers."
Larry Hitler says he hopes calmer heads will prevail and that the recent spate of Hitler analogies can be stopped now.
"Unless and until Mr. Bush achieves his true potential," said Mr. Hitler. "I just don’t think comparing him to Adolph is fair to anybody. I’m not saying he couldn’t be the next Hitler but let’s not jump the gun."
Hitler family members have apparently not ruled out taking their grievances to the U. S. Supreme Court which they are confident would grant them the relief they seek.
"Let’s face it," said Larry Hitler. "So long as we have a judiciary that protects private property from business needs and won’t interfere in free elections, we’re a long way yet from a truly fascist state."
Friday, May 26, 2006
You Might Be A Republican
With apologies to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a Republican if.....
You think unilateralism is a complete foreign policy.
You like to dress up in military pilot’s gear and declare the end of major hostilities.
You consider "liberal" to be a four-letter word.
The phrase "compassionate conservative" doesn’t make you laugh.
You prefer to let Vice Presidents choose themselves.
You own more than one SUV.
You believe global warming is a communist plot.
You think Fox News really is fair and balanced.
You believe Ronald Reagan singlehandedly ended the Cold War.
You feel sorry for Martha Stewart and Ken Lay.
Going to war with no legitimate reason is OK with you.
You think tax cuts should only be for the rich.
You believe intellectual curiosity is a political handicap.
You think "chillin" is what martinis do in the fridge.
You prefer service-avoiding flyboys to decorated Vietnam war heros.
You consider "weapons of mass destruction-related activities" to be a meaningful expression.
You believe the social security surplus is a slush fund.
You’d like to see affirmative action restricted to legacy admissions to Ivy League schools.
You think Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are first cousins.
You believe massive deficit spending makes for sound economic policy.
You hate anyone with the last name Clinton.
You think timely SEC filings of insider trading transactions are for losers.
You wish all Presidential elections could be decided by the Supreme Court.
The words "I’m sorry" are not in your vocabulary.
You believe God is an American.
You might be a Republican if.....
You think unilateralism is a complete foreign policy.
You like to dress up in military pilot’s gear and declare the end of major hostilities.
You consider "liberal" to be a four-letter word.
The phrase "compassionate conservative" doesn’t make you laugh.
You prefer to let Vice Presidents choose themselves.
You own more than one SUV.
You believe global warming is a communist plot.
You think Fox News really is fair and balanced.
You believe Ronald Reagan singlehandedly ended the Cold War.
You feel sorry for Martha Stewart and Ken Lay.
Going to war with no legitimate reason is OK with you.
You think tax cuts should only be for the rich.
You believe intellectual curiosity is a political handicap.
You think "chillin" is what martinis do in the fridge.
You prefer service-avoiding flyboys to decorated Vietnam war heros.
You consider "weapons of mass destruction-related activities" to be a meaningful expression.
You believe the social security surplus is a slush fund.
You’d like to see affirmative action restricted to legacy admissions to Ivy League schools.
You think Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are first cousins.
You believe massive deficit spending makes for sound economic policy.
You hate anyone with the last name Clinton.
You think timely SEC filings of insider trading transactions are for losers.
You wish all Presidential elections could be decided by the Supreme Court.
The words "I’m sorry" are not in your vocabulary.
You believe God is an American.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
The Bush Model 2004
This one is from the 2004 election:
The Republican National Committee is proud to announce the introduction of the Bush Model 2004. We’ve retained all the simple features and Texan charm that made the Model 2000 such a surprising success. At the same time, we’ve totally redesigned the unit to appeal to a clear majority of Americans.
You’ll still find the same great tax cutting ability that first attracted you to the Bush Model 2000. All we’ve done is adjust it slightly to more clearly favor upper income brackets.
Many of our customers liked the "compassionate conservatism" of the Model 2000. But our marketing surveys revealed that some of you were unclear on the concept and still others were disappointed with the results.
So this year, we’ve reintroduced "compassionate conservatism" on the Bush Model 2004 but we’ve made it less complicated and easier to understand. Now when programming such initiatives as education, social security and healthcare, users will not be confused when they see a net fiscal reduction. Yet, just as with the Model 2000, there will still be an overall increase in perceived accomplishment.
Some of our customers were not entirely satisfied with the Model 2000's isolationist tendencies. As you may know, we moved quickly to address those complaints.
Starting in September of 2001, we began redesigning the Bush’s extraterritorial capabilities. The Model 2004 has a whole new powerful, kick-ass world view. And unlike the earlier Bush Model 1992, the Model 2004 has a unilateral option that promises quicker response time and multiple war fronts.
Some customers expressed concern about the Bush’s ability to function as a standalone unit. They liked the Cheney backup feature on the Model 2000 and wanted to see it retained.
We’re happy to announce that this year’s Bush will still have the powerful Cheney feature running silently in the background to ensure that the Model 2004 runs smoothly. And that means, of course, that you’ll still also get the special Rove system support package that helps keep the Bush on the far right track.
We’re confident that the improvements we’ve made to the Model 2004 will result in a political system that more than 50% of you will choose. And even if we fall a bit short of our goal, rest assured that this year’s unit can always rely on the Supreme Court failsafe option that worked so well for its predecessor.
We know you’re going to love the Bush Model 2004. Even if it doesn’t meet your individual needs, you know it’s what’s best for the country. And we’ll be working hard over the next few years to build an even bigger and better Bush - the Jeb Model 2008.
The Republican National Committee is proud to announce the introduction of the Bush Model 2004. We’ve retained all the simple features and Texan charm that made the Model 2000 such a surprising success. At the same time, we’ve totally redesigned the unit to appeal to a clear majority of Americans.
You’ll still find the same great tax cutting ability that first attracted you to the Bush Model 2000. All we’ve done is adjust it slightly to more clearly favor upper income brackets.
Many of our customers liked the "compassionate conservatism" of the Model 2000. But our marketing surveys revealed that some of you were unclear on the concept and still others were disappointed with the results.
So this year, we’ve reintroduced "compassionate conservatism" on the Bush Model 2004 but we’ve made it less complicated and easier to understand. Now when programming such initiatives as education, social security and healthcare, users will not be confused when they see a net fiscal reduction. Yet, just as with the Model 2000, there will still be an overall increase in perceived accomplishment.
Some of our customers were not entirely satisfied with the Model 2000's isolationist tendencies. As you may know, we moved quickly to address those complaints.
Starting in September of 2001, we began redesigning the Bush’s extraterritorial capabilities. The Model 2004 has a whole new powerful, kick-ass world view. And unlike the earlier Bush Model 1992, the Model 2004 has a unilateral option that promises quicker response time and multiple war fronts.
Some customers expressed concern about the Bush’s ability to function as a standalone unit. They liked the Cheney backup feature on the Model 2000 and wanted to see it retained.
We’re happy to announce that this year’s Bush will still have the powerful Cheney feature running silently in the background to ensure that the Model 2004 runs smoothly. And that means, of course, that you’ll still also get the special Rove system support package that helps keep the Bush on the far right track.
We’re confident that the improvements we’ve made to the Model 2004 will result in a political system that more than 50% of you will choose. And even if we fall a bit short of our goal, rest assured that this year’s unit can always rely on the Supreme Court failsafe option that worked so well for its predecessor.
We know you’re going to love the Bush Model 2004. Even if it doesn’t meet your individual needs, you know it’s what’s best for the country. And we’ll be working hard over the next few years to build an even bigger and better Bush - the Jeb Model 2008.
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