FROM: davemartin@hotmail.com
TO: Friends List
SUBJECT: THIS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!!
Dear Friends,
I recently received some VERY, VERY IMPORTANT advice that can maybe even save your life. I never knew this stuff before so please pass it on to everyone you love so they won’t have to needlessly suffer.
1. Be very careful of people calling themselves stockbrokers. Until I decided to invest some of my money, I was unaware of how dangerous these people are. They dress in nice clothes and speak very well but watch out. They’ll try to sell you stocks. That’s right, stocks. Next to drug dealers, these folks are the biggest threat to society. But the police seem to be powerless to stop them. What they do is apparently legal. So when they approach you, be VERY, VERY CAREFUL. Don’t be mesmerized by their talk of perpetual 10% annual returns. Don’t fall for their eternal optimism. When they start talking about "buy" and "strong buy", just nod your head, ask them to send you some literature and back away slowly.
2. I also learned about another dangerous group that have infiltrated our neighborhoods. They’re called politicians and they live among us, often going undetected for years. Thanks to attending one of their covert meetings which they call a "political convention", I’ve discovered their secrets. I want to pass them on to you in case you are attacked. At first, you may not recognize the politician. He looks just like you and me. But he quickly gives himself away with his wide smile, two-handed hearty handshake and constant stream of platitudes. If you meet someone who never stops talking and making unreasonable promises, you’ve been attacked by a politician. Run the other way AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
3. Finally, watch out for any "professional" whose title starts with the letter "A." That means accountants, auditors and maybe even actuaries. These folks pretend to be boring, dependable number crunchers but nothing could be further from the truth. When they offer to balance your books, check your records or "do" your taxes, steer clear. The only thing they want to "do" is a number on you and a financial favor for themselves. Keep your money in your mattress and just say "No."
Please pass this message on to all the people you care about. It’s a crazy world out there and we need to watch out for each other.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
The M.B.A. President
George W. Bush is America’s first MBA President. This may explain a lot as evidenced by his 1975 Harvard Business School exam paper reproduced below.
Q1. Your corporate headquarters in New York have been sabotaged by a foreign rogue trader. You invade his home territory in hot pursuit but are unsuccessful in tracking him down. What is your preferred option and why?
A1. Rogue traders are notoriously difficult to track down. It is often better to think outside the box. For example, I might seize the opportunity to finish off any unrelated competitors in the region who may have caused trouble for my family’s business in the past. If such a competitor has a desirable resource base, it may be advantageous to fabricate an excuse for a hostile takeover.
Q2. You assume the position of CEO of a thriving business entity with a current accounts surplus of $200 billion. However, there is a moderate economic downturn. What steps would you take to preserve capital and ensure the profitability of your enterprise?
A2. The quickest path to renewed profitability is through generous tax cuts and benefits for the wealthiest shareholders. By implementing such measures and significantly increasing expenditures on hostile takeovers (see answer to Q1.), corporate growth will be sufficiently stimulated to ensure long term profitability. Some minor deficit spending may be necessary although it will eventually be offset by increased tax revenues and generous political donations.
Q3. ABC Corporation is a successful American company that wishes to expand into foreign markets. As ABC’s head of marketing, you are charged with scouting out opportunities in the Middle East and Asia. What would you do to familiarize yourself with these potential markets and what political contacts would you make to facilitate ABC’s entry into these new markets?
A3. My Dad knows a lot about foreign countries and stuff. I think I’d just ask some of his friends to help me out.
Q4. XYZ Corporation has been selling gizmos under its brand name Neo-Conservative for many years. Sales were fairly strong for a number of years but have recently dropped off. What steps would you take to increase XYZ’s market share for its Neo-Conservative brand?
A4. XYZ should offer significant discounts to its wealthiest customers. It should also seek to align its product with growth concepts like “God” and “The American Dream.” Marketing is the process of convincing people that they need to buy your product even if it is ultimately harmful to their best interests. If you can make people believe that owning a Neo-Conservative gizmo will help them become a God-fearing, patriotic, wealthy American, you’re half way there.
Q5. You are the CEO of the largest enterprise in the history of the world. The job requires not only familiarity with business practices but also an in-depth knowledge of complicated domestic and foreign policy issues. How would you prepare yourself for the tasks ahead?
A5. See answer to Q3.
Q6. Your failing oil company has been acquired by HIJ Energy Corporation. You receive shares in HIJ and become a consultant and a director. Just prior to HIJ announcing a huge loss in earnings, you sell most of your shares for a 200% profit. Do you have to file any documents with the Securities and Exchange Commission and, if so, how long do you have?
A6. I’m sorry but I missed the lecture on that topic. I believe I was either completing my Texas Air National Guard service or working on somebody’s election campaign.
Q1. Your corporate headquarters in New York have been sabotaged by a foreign rogue trader. You invade his home territory in hot pursuit but are unsuccessful in tracking him down. What is your preferred option and why?
A1. Rogue traders are notoriously difficult to track down. It is often better to think outside the box. For example, I might seize the opportunity to finish off any unrelated competitors in the region who may have caused trouble for my family’s business in the past. If such a competitor has a desirable resource base, it may be advantageous to fabricate an excuse for a hostile takeover.
Q2. You assume the position of CEO of a thriving business entity with a current accounts surplus of $200 billion. However, there is a moderate economic downturn. What steps would you take to preserve capital and ensure the profitability of your enterprise?
A2. The quickest path to renewed profitability is through generous tax cuts and benefits for the wealthiest shareholders. By implementing such measures and significantly increasing expenditures on hostile takeovers (see answer to Q1.), corporate growth will be sufficiently stimulated to ensure long term profitability. Some minor deficit spending may be necessary although it will eventually be offset by increased tax revenues and generous political donations.
Q3. ABC Corporation is a successful American company that wishes to expand into foreign markets. As ABC’s head of marketing, you are charged with scouting out opportunities in the Middle East and Asia. What would you do to familiarize yourself with these potential markets and what political contacts would you make to facilitate ABC’s entry into these new markets?
A3. My Dad knows a lot about foreign countries and stuff. I think I’d just ask some of his friends to help me out.
Q4. XYZ Corporation has been selling gizmos under its brand name Neo-Conservative for many years. Sales were fairly strong for a number of years but have recently dropped off. What steps would you take to increase XYZ’s market share for its Neo-Conservative brand?
A4. XYZ should offer significant discounts to its wealthiest customers. It should also seek to align its product with growth concepts like “God” and “The American Dream.” Marketing is the process of convincing people that they need to buy your product even if it is ultimately harmful to their best interests. If you can make people believe that owning a Neo-Conservative gizmo will help them become a God-fearing, patriotic, wealthy American, you’re half way there.
Q5. You are the CEO of the largest enterprise in the history of the world. The job requires not only familiarity with business practices but also an in-depth knowledge of complicated domestic and foreign policy issues. How would you prepare yourself for the tasks ahead?
A5. See answer to Q3.
Q6. Your failing oil company has been acquired by HIJ Energy Corporation. You receive shares in HIJ and become a consultant and a director. Just prior to HIJ announcing a huge loss in earnings, you sell most of your shares for a 200% profit. Do you have to file any documents with the Securities and Exchange Commission and, if so, how long do you have?
A6. I’m sorry but I missed the lecture on that topic. I believe I was either completing my Texas Air National Guard service or working on somebody’s election campaign.
Friday, June 16, 2006
The Healthy Canadians
"You can add Canada to the list of nations that are healthier than the United States of America. Americans are 42 per cent more likely than Canadians to have diabetes, 32 per cent more likely to have high blood pressure, and 12 per cent more likely to have arthritis, Harvard Medical School researchers found. That is according to a survey in which American and Canadian adults were asked over the telephone about their health."
- The Associated Press - May 30, 2006
According to one of the co-authors of the Harvard study, Canada’s national health insurance program is at least part of the reason for the differences noted. However, an examination of the Canadian experience suggests that the study’s results may actually be explained by one or more of the following factors:
* Canadians have a weaker dollar and measure their health status in metric. When you consider that one American health unit equals roughly 1.2 Canadian metric health units, there’s probably very little difference in overall well being.
* Canada is cold much of the year. It is a well known fact that colder temperatures slow down the metabolism and thereby preserve and protect organic matter. When Canada is viewed as a national icebox, it’s not surprising that we live longer.
* With our six-month winters, we get significantly less sunlight. That results in lots more sleep which is a proven health restorative.
* Given that Canada is a huge country that is sparsely populated, we automatically get more exercise. In the winter, that often means skating or snowshoeing to work. And unlike in the U. S., Canadians may have to drive miles out of their way to find a donut shop.
* Diet is almost definitely a key factor in explaining our healthier status. In a word - donuts. It is well known that police officers are in top physical condition and are big consumers of donuts. Canadians eat more donuts ‘per capita’ than any other nationality. Ergo, Canadians are more likely to be in top shape.
* Physical health is often directly correlated to psychological health. Canadians’ vaunted concern for one another is evident in the universal greeting "How’s it going, eh?" Such expressions of goodwill likely lead to reduced stress and more communal donut consumption.
* Canadian studies are typically skewed by the "politeness" factor. Researchers north of the border are less likely to label someone unhealthy or obese. Such conclusions are often ignored or discarded as being rude or "not nice."
* Finally, the surprising disparity in blood pressure statistics is probably just an anomaly. Studies conducted prior to January 20, 2001 consistently showed Americans and Canadians with about the same incidence of hypertension. It is believed that with the completion of George W. Bush’s second term on January 20, 2009, the current striking discrepancy will disappear entirely.
- The Associated Press - May 30, 2006
According to one of the co-authors of the Harvard study, Canada’s national health insurance program is at least part of the reason for the differences noted. However, an examination of the Canadian experience suggests that the study’s results may actually be explained by one or more of the following factors:
* Canadians have a weaker dollar and measure their health status in metric. When you consider that one American health unit equals roughly 1.2 Canadian metric health units, there’s probably very little difference in overall well being.
* Canada is cold much of the year. It is a well known fact that colder temperatures slow down the metabolism and thereby preserve and protect organic matter. When Canada is viewed as a national icebox, it’s not surprising that we live longer.
* With our six-month winters, we get significantly less sunlight. That results in lots more sleep which is a proven health restorative.
* Given that Canada is a huge country that is sparsely populated, we automatically get more exercise. In the winter, that often means skating or snowshoeing to work. And unlike in the U. S., Canadians may have to drive miles out of their way to find a donut shop.
* Diet is almost definitely a key factor in explaining our healthier status. In a word - donuts. It is well known that police officers are in top physical condition and are big consumers of donuts. Canadians eat more donuts ‘per capita’ than any other nationality. Ergo, Canadians are more likely to be in top shape.
* Physical health is often directly correlated to psychological health. Canadians’ vaunted concern for one another is evident in the universal greeting "How’s it going, eh?" Such expressions of goodwill likely lead to reduced stress and more communal donut consumption.
* Canadian studies are typically skewed by the "politeness" factor. Researchers north of the border are less likely to label someone unhealthy or obese. Such conclusions are often ignored or discarded as being rude or "not nice."
* Finally, the surprising disparity in blood pressure statistics is probably just an anomaly. Studies conducted prior to January 20, 2001 consistently showed Americans and Canadians with about the same incidence of hypertension. It is believed that with the completion of George W. Bush’s second term on January 20, 2009, the current striking discrepancy will disappear entirely.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Test Your W.Q. Redux
Test your knowledge about George W. Bush with the following questions:
1. By how many votes did W lose to Al Gore in 2000?
2. What did the banner say on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln when W declared an end to hostilities in Iraq?
3. What book was W reading when informed of the 9/11 attacks?
4. How long did W stay in the elementary school after being informed of the attacks?
5. How long did W fail to show up for service in the Texas Air National Guard in 1972-73?
6. What was the title of W’s presidential daily briefing on August 6, 2001?
7. What is the name of W’s smarter, younger brother?
8. Approximately what percentage of his presidency has W spent at his Crawford, Texas ranch, Camp David and Kennebunkport, Maine?
9. In what state did W get arrested for DUI in 1976?
10. How many months was W late in filing a disclosure with the SEC of his sale of shares in Harken Energy?
Answers:
1. About 500,000
2. "Mission Accomplished"
3. "My Pet Goat"
4. Half an hour
5. Approximately one year
6. "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside U.S."
7. Jeb
8. 40%
9. Maine
10. Nine
Score yourself:
0-2 correct: Shame on you. After all, this is the President we’re talking about.
3-4 correct: Not bad but you should probably brush up on your knowledge of W.
5-6 correct: Potential Republican supporter
7-8 correct: Friend of W
9-10 correct: You know way too much about W and are probably a Democrat.
1. By how many votes did W lose to Al Gore in 2000?
2. What did the banner say on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln when W declared an end to hostilities in Iraq?
3. What book was W reading when informed of the 9/11 attacks?
4. How long did W stay in the elementary school after being informed of the attacks?
5. How long did W fail to show up for service in the Texas Air National Guard in 1972-73?
6. What was the title of W’s presidential daily briefing on August 6, 2001?
7. What is the name of W’s smarter, younger brother?
8. Approximately what percentage of his presidency has W spent at his Crawford, Texas ranch, Camp David and Kennebunkport, Maine?
9. In what state did W get arrested for DUI in 1976?
10. How many months was W late in filing a disclosure with the SEC of his sale of shares in Harken Energy?
Answers:
1. About 500,000
2. "Mission Accomplished"
3. "My Pet Goat"
4. Half an hour
5. Approximately one year
6. "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside U.S."
7. Jeb
8. 40%
9. Maine
10. Nine
Score yourself:
0-2 correct: Shame on you. After all, this is the President we’re talking about.
3-4 correct: Not bad but you should probably brush up on your knowledge of W.
5-6 correct: Potential Republican supporter
7-8 correct: Friend of W
9-10 correct: You know way too much about W and are probably a Democrat.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Karl Potter and The White House of Secrets
With the release of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, J. K. Rowling’s publisher is poised to strike it rich once again. Other publishing houses are desperately trying to play catchup and piggyback on Rowling’s success which may explain these soon-to-be-released titles:
Karl Potter and the White House of Secrets
Karl is surprised to learn that he is not a regular boy but rather a political wizard. Enrolled in the West Wing Academy, young Karl helps his boss Dumbasadoor track down the Snitches and de-fang the media. The evil Dems try to defeat Karl but they are no match for his wizardry and obfuscation as he refuses to admit specifically identifying She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
George W. Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Like the phoenix from the title, young George always manages to snatch victory from the jaws of someone else’s victory. With the help of wizards like the Supremes in 2000 and the Fundamentalists in 2004, George captures the White House and goes on to cast an eight-year spell on the electorate. His powers grow as he magically eliminates a $500 billion surplus and starts a war without a single valid reason.
Donny Potter and the Prisoners of Gitmo
Young Donny wants to rid the world of terrorists. Unfortunately, in attempting to do so, he launches his own reign of terror. Rather than fight evil with good, Donny succumbs to the forces of darkness and suspends everything from ‘habeas corpus’ to the right to counsel. In the process, his constitution begins to fail and he becomes one of the very Dementors he was sworn to defeat.
Dick Potter and the Goblet of Oil
His childhood dream was to make his homeland self-sufficient in energy supplies. But good intentions often go awry. As Dick befriends one oil magician after another, he forgets his original goal. Luckily for Dick, he retains significant payments from his friends to at least ensure that his own personal gas tank will never go empty.
Paul Potterwitz and the Half-Saudi Prince
Young Paul has a plan. He wants to use his magical powers to spread freedom throughout the Middle East. By declaring war on one country after another, Paul hopes somehow to create peace by magically turning gators into Gatorade. He finally realizes that the answer to his problem isn’t freedom and democracy after all but rests instead with the evil one known as the Half-Saudi Prince.
Condi Potter and the Sorcerer’s War
Condi has one aim: to serve her sorcerer boss and find a reason, any reason, to justify his next war. Whether it’s magical yellow cake from Niger or the mysterious Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, she always knows just what to say to keep troops on the ground. Even when it turns out her reasons are false, her boss forgives her and promotes her beyond her level of incompetence.
Karl Potter and the White House of Secrets
Karl is surprised to learn that he is not a regular boy but rather a political wizard. Enrolled in the West Wing Academy, young Karl helps his boss Dumbasadoor track down the Snitches and de-fang the media. The evil Dems try to defeat Karl but they are no match for his wizardry and obfuscation as he refuses to admit specifically identifying She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
George W. Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Like the phoenix from the title, young George always manages to snatch victory from the jaws of someone else’s victory. With the help of wizards like the Supremes in 2000 and the Fundamentalists in 2004, George captures the White House and goes on to cast an eight-year spell on the electorate. His powers grow as he magically eliminates a $500 billion surplus and starts a war without a single valid reason.
Donny Potter and the Prisoners of Gitmo
Young Donny wants to rid the world of terrorists. Unfortunately, in attempting to do so, he launches his own reign of terror. Rather than fight evil with good, Donny succumbs to the forces of darkness and suspends everything from ‘habeas corpus’ to the right to counsel. In the process, his constitution begins to fail and he becomes one of the very Dementors he was sworn to defeat.
Dick Potter and the Goblet of Oil
His childhood dream was to make his homeland self-sufficient in energy supplies. But good intentions often go awry. As Dick befriends one oil magician after another, he forgets his original goal. Luckily for Dick, he retains significant payments from his friends to at least ensure that his own personal gas tank will never go empty.
Paul Potterwitz and the Half-Saudi Prince
Young Paul has a plan. He wants to use his magical powers to spread freedom throughout the Middle East. By declaring war on one country after another, Paul hopes somehow to create peace by magically turning gators into Gatorade. He finally realizes that the answer to his problem isn’t freedom and democracy after all but rests instead with the evil one known as the Half-Saudi Prince.
Condi Potter and the Sorcerer’s War
Condi has one aim: to serve her sorcerer boss and find a reason, any reason, to justify his next war. Whether it’s magical yellow cake from Niger or the mysterious Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, she always knows just what to say to keep troops on the ground. Even when it turns out her reasons are false, her boss forgives her and promotes her beyond her level of incompetence.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Kidney Stone Magazine
The magazine industry is nothing if not adaptable. Whatever the latest trend, whoever the latest celebrity, wherever there’s a demographic, the periodical people will cover it with a magazine. From All About Beer to Rosie, there’s a magazine for or about almost everyone. Check out these new publications at your local newsstand:
MISFORTUNE
This is the business monthly for businesspeople on long term sabbatical. With the fastest growing circulation of any new periodical, Misfortune provides useful financial advice to America’s incarcerated business executives and CEOs. Look for articles on how to cover up those nasty accounting “errors”, where to hide your illegal stock options and ten great offshore vacation destinations for you and your money.
PASSABLE HOUSEKEEPING
In today’s modern world where both spouses have to work, there’s little time for housekeeping. You may not be able to afford a housekeeper but you can afford a subscription to Passable Housekeeping, the magazine that shows you how to avoid housework while still meeting most federal minimum health and safety standards. Learn the secrets of dirt and dust relocation, high octane toilet cleansers and disposable paper bedding that will help you stay sane in this crazy 24/7 world we live in.
KIDNEY STONE
This is the rock magazine for aging baby boomers. Kidney Stone celebrates the indisputable fact that no great rock music has been produced since 1975. Interviews with aging rock stars are interspersed with obituaries of expired rock stars.
MARTHA STEWART SERVING (TIME)
America’s favorite lifestyle guru applies her talents to that oft-neglected area of American life - the penal system. Ms. Stewart hopes to be able to give a behind the scenes look at the diet, lifestyle and living quarters of today’s upscale inmate. The inaugural issue deals with such timely topics as celebrating holidays with your cellmate, decorating possibilities using prison blues and grays and the proper etiquette for service of court documents.
W GUIDE
Curious about what your President is up to? Wonder where he’ll be tomorrow, next week or next month? Then you need W Guide, the daily listing of the activities of George W. Bush. Helpful sections at the front and back rate the top domestic policies for the year, list Mr. Bush’s weekly foreign policy shifts and provide helpful translations of his daily malapropisms.
BILL
Like Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O’Donnell before him, Bill Clinton is launching a new magazine to complement his upcoming talk show. The eponymous periodical will feature “all things Bill” including Mr. Clinton’s favorite foods, beverages, wardrobes and companions. From policy discussions to cigar preferences, you’ll get an inside look at the life of America’s 42nd President that you’ve probably already had before.
MISFORTUNE
This is the business monthly for businesspeople on long term sabbatical. With the fastest growing circulation of any new periodical, Misfortune provides useful financial advice to America’s incarcerated business executives and CEOs. Look for articles on how to cover up those nasty accounting “errors”, where to hide your illegal stock options and ten great offshore vacation destinations for you and your money.
PASSABLE HOUSEKEEPING
In today’s modern world where both spouses have to work, there’s little time for housekeeping. You may not be able to afford a housekeeper but you can afford a subscription to Passable Housekeeping, the magazine that shows you how to avoid housework while still meeting most federal minimum health and safety standards. Learn the secrets of dirt and dust relocation, high octane toilet cleansers and disposable paper bedding that will help you stay sane in this crazy 24/7 world we live in.
KIDNEY STONE
This is the rock magazine for aging baby boomers. Kidney Stone celebrates the indisputable fact that no great rock music has been produced since 1975. Interviews with aging rock stars are interspersed with obituaries of expired rock stars.
MARTHA STEWART SERVING (TIME)
America’s favorite lifestyle guru applies her talents to that oft-neglected area of American life - the penal system. Ms. Stewart hopes to be able to give a behind the scenes look at the diet, lifestyle and living quarters of today’s upscale inmate. The inaugural issue deals with such timely topics as celebrating holidays with your cellmate, decorating possibilities using prison blues and grays and the proper etiquette for service of court documents.
W GUIDE
Curious about what your President is up to? Wonder where he’ll be tomorrow, next week or next month? Then you need W Guide, the daily listing of the activities of George W. Bush. Helpful sections at the front and back rate the top domestic policies for the year, list Mr. Bush’s weekly foreign policy shifts and provide helpful translations of his daily malapropisms.
BILL
Like Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O’Donnell before him, Bill Clinton is launching a new magazine to complement his upcoming talk show. The eponymous periodical will feature “all things Bill” including Mr. Clinton’s favorite foods, beverages, wardrobes and companions. From policy discussions to cigar preferences, you’ll get an inside look at the life of America’s 42nd President that you’ve probably already had before.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Candid Phone
In an attempt to improve its tarnished image, the National Security Agency is planning to produce its own fun-filled, prime-time television show. Scheduled to air on the FOX network this fall, "Candid Phone" will feature the funniest audio clips from the NSA’s data bank of billions of intercepted calls.
"Sure, this is serious business," said NSA Deputy Director and new Head of Programming Bill Black. "But there’s a lighter side, too, which we want to share with the American public."
At a recent press conference announcing the show’s fall launch, Mr. Black teased the assembled media reporters with a few hilarious clips from the upcoming season. In the interests of protecting the callers’ privacy, all of the participants remain unidentified.
DECEMBER 1, 2004
CALLER 1: Where the hell are the WMDs, George?
CALLER 2: Well, Mr. ********, it turns out there aren’t any.
CALLER 1: Aren’t any? Aren’t any? But you said it was a slam-dunk.
CALLER 2: In all fairness, Mr. *********, I believe I said Saddam was a damn skunk.
CALLER 1: Oh great. Well the only thing I can do now is give you the *********ial Medal of Freedom.
CALLER 2: Gee, thanks Mr. *********. That’s a great honor.
CALLER 1: Don’t let it go to your head. If you’d screwed up anymore, I would have had to promote you to Secretary of Defense.
FEBRUARY 13, 2006
CALLER 1: You shot him where, Dick?
CALLER 2: In the face, Mr. *********.
CALLER 1: In the face, Dick?
CALLER 2: Yes, sir, in the face.
CALLER 1: I take it you don’t like this guy.
CALLER 2: No, no, he’s a good friend.
CALLER 1: Well this is going to be a public relations nightmare.
CALLER 2: Not to worry, Mr. *********. He already apologized.
APRIL 15, 2006
CALLER 1: I’m getting darn sick and tired of you waltzing all over the globe. It’s my turn to run and you should be here to help.
CALLER 2: You’re right, darling. Just as soon as I finish my speaking tour and get these few golfing dates out of the way, I’m all yours.
CALLER 1: Don’t you darling me, you hillbilly Lothario. If I hadn’t stood by you during all those bimbo eruptions, you wouldn’t be pulling down those six-figure speaking fees.
CALLER 2: That’s true, sweetcakes. But don’t forget; all that money can help you win the next election. And then I’ll be right by your side in the ***** House.
CALLER 1: A lot of good that’s doing me now. If I have to move to the right on one more issue or support one more useless war to get that nomination, I’m going to scream.
CALLER 2: Ha, ha. That’s funny H******. Listen, honey, they just called my tee time so I have to go. There’s a small reception afterwards so I might be a bit late. Don’t wait up; I’ll let myself in.
MAY 15, 2006
CALLER 1: The Gallup Organization. How may I help you?
CALLER 2: Are you the folks who do all the fancy polls?
CALLER 1: Yes, sir, that’s part of what we do.
CALLER 2: Look, I don’t know who you’re all calling on those presidential approval surveys, but you never called me. Plus, I checked with all my friends and none of them ever got a call either. No wonder the President is getting a 29% approval rating.
CALLER 1: Well, sir, those polls are conducted on a limited, random sample of voters across the country. The odds of any one citizen receiving a call from us are very small.
CALLER 2: OK, maybe I can save you folks some time and money. I’ve got a list of people here in the 202 area code who’d be happy to participate whenever you’d like. Most of these numbers are for cell phones, too, so you can get a hold of ‘em day or night. Whaddya say?
CALLER 1: [click]
"Sure, this is serious business," said NSA Deputy Director and new Head of Programming Bill Black. "But there’s a lighter side, too, which we want to share with the American public."
At a recent press conference announcing the show’s fall launch, Mr. Black teased the assembled media reporters with a few hilarious clips from the upcoming season. In the interests of protecting the callers’ privacy, all of the participants remain unidentified.
DECEMBER 1, 2004
CALLER 1: Where the hell are the WMDs, George?
CALLER 2: Well, Mr. ********, it turns out there aren’t any.
CALLER 1: Aren’t any? Aren’t any? But you said it was a slam-dunk.
CALLER 2: In all fairness, Mr. *********, I believe I said Saddam was a damn skunk.
CALLER 1: Oh great. Well the only thing I can do now is give you the *********ial Medal of Freedom.
CALLER 2: Gee, thanks Mr. *********. That’s a great honor.
CALLER 1: Don’t let it go to your head. If you’d screwed up anymore, I would have had to promote you to Secretary of Defense.
FEBRUARY 13, 2006
CALLER 1: You shot him where, Dick?
CALLER 2: In the face, Mr. *********.
CALLER 1: In the face, Dick?
CALLER 2: Yes, sir, in the face.
CALLER 1: I take it you don’t like this guy.
CALLER 2: No, no, he’s a good friend.
CALLER 1: Well this is going to be a public relations nightmare.
CALLER 2: Not to worry, Mr. *********. He already apologized.
APRIL 15, 2006
CALLER 1: I’m getting darn sick and tired of you waltzing all over the globe. It’s my turn to run and you should be here to help.
CALLER 2: You’re right, darling. Just as soon as I finish my speaking tour and get these few golfing dates out of the way, I’m all yours.
CALLER 1: Don’t you darling me, you hillbilly Lothario. If I hadn’t stood by you during all those bimbo eruptions, you wouldn’t be pulling down those six-figure speaking fees.
CALLER 2: That’s true, sweetcakes. But don’t forget; all that money can help you win the next election. And then I’ll be right by your side in the ***** House.
CALLER 1: A lot of good that’s doing me now. If I have to move to the right on one more issue or support one more useless war to get that nomination, I’m going to scream.
CALLER 2: Ha, ha. That’s funny H******. Listen, honey, they just called my tee time so I have to go. There’s a small reception afterwards so I might be a bit late. Don’t wait up; I’ll let myself in.
MAY 15, 2006
CALLER 1: The Gallup Organization. How may I help you?
CALLER 2: Are you the folks who do all the fancy polls?
CALLER 1: Yes, sir, that’s part of what we do.
CALLER 2: Look, I don’t know who you’re all calling on those presidential approval surveys, but you never called me. Plus, I checked with all my friends and none of them ever got a call either. No wonder the President is getting a 29% approval rating.
CALLER 1: Well, sir, those polls are conducted on a limited, random sample of voters across the country. The odds of any one citizen receiving a call from us are very small.
CALLER 2: OK, maybe I can save you folks some time and money. I’ve got a list of people here in the 202 area code who’d be happy to participate whenever you’d like. Most of these numbers are for cell phones, too, so you can get a hold of ‘em day or night. Whaddya say?
CALLER 1: [click]
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The Canadian Bushman
Barely reliable sources have revealed the following unedited transcript of a recent telephone conversation between Prime Minister Stephen Harper and U. S. President George W. Bush:
Stephen Harper: Mr. President. Thank you for taking my call.
George W. Bush: No problemo, Damien. I hope you don’t mind me calling you Damien. I’m just trying out some nicknames for you and you kinda remind me of that scary kid in that "Omen" movie.
SH: Sure, Mr. President, that’s fine.
GWB: Hey, call me W or George there, Damien. Everybody else does. Except for Saddam Hussein and Maureen Dowd, that is. Heh, heh.
SH: Ah.....OK, George.
GWB: What can I do you for, Stevereenio?
SH: Well, George, I just wanted to thank you for that great advice last week. That surprise visit to Afghanistan really worked. The poll numbers are way up.
GWB: Glad I could help, Stevebo. I always found that chowing down with the troops with a fake turkey pays big dividends in the approval rating. Tends to make the voters forget about all the screw-ups. Heh, heh.
SH: I was kind of hoping that you could help me out with a few other issues.
GWB: You bet, Harper Valley. First off, I understand you don’t have a clear majority. Don’t worry about it; that never stopped me. But I would suggest you register as many of those Canadian voters in Florida as you can. You never know when that may come in handy.
SH: I’ll keep that in mind, George. But right now I’m more concerned with budget matters. What financial tricks can you teach me?
GWB: Piece of cake, NeoCanCon. Just stop running all those budget surpluses. What are you saving it for - a rainy day? Spend the money now any way you can - tax cuts, war, homeland security - you name it.
SH: But that’s going to cause a deficit and increase the national debt!
GWB: Bingo, Roboman. You must be one of them there economists. Look; forget all that fancy theory stuff. Just spend ‘til it hurts and guaranteed you’ll get reelected. I don’t know why it works but it just does. After all, look at me!
SH: OK. Sounds good. But what about healthcare? We’ve got a real problem up here with waiting lists and hospital beds.
GWB: What you gotta do, Cloneboy, is to create a diversion. Ever thought of starting a war? It’s real easy. You can declare war on fear or hate or something like that or you can just invade a country. But make sure it’s a small one. I kinda miscalculated on Iraq. But once you’ve got a war going, you can justify just about anything on the basis of national security, even privatising your healthcare system. And if anyone starts criticizing you, just call ‘em a traitor. Works every time.
SH: Sounds great, George. Come to think of it, Iceland has been looking at us kind of funny lately. But our military is spread pretty thin right now. What can we do about that?
GWB: Wish I could help you out there, Gladman, but ours is getting a bit thin, too. All I can tell you is to devote more of your budget to army stuff. Cut back on health, education and welfare spending if you have to. By the time anyone notices, you’ll be long gone anyway. Word to the wise, though. Don’t stint on levee building. That one’ll bite you in the ass every time.
SH: But that means I’d have to break some of my campaign promises.
GWB: Like not recruiting members from the other side or appointing only elected senators?
SH: Heh, heh. Oh yeah, I forgot.
GWB: Look, Droidguy, breaking promises is like making love or riding a bicycle. Every time you do it, it gets easier. Well, come to think of it, maybe not that bike riding thing.
SH: Thanks, George, for all the advice. It’s clear I still have a few things to learn about governing.
GWB: Oh, I think you’ll do fine, Minority Man. From what Dick Cheney tells me, you’re already half way to becoming a Canadian Bushman. Gotta go, Stepford. Still got some tax and brush cutting to do.
Stephen Harper: Mr. President. Thank you for taking my call.
George W. Bush: No problemo, Damien. I hope you don’t mind me calling you Damien. I’m just trying out some nicknames for you and you kinda remind me of that scary kid in that "Omen" movie.
SH: Sure, Mr. President, that’s fine.
GWB: Hey, call me W or George there, Damien. Everybody else does. Except for Saddam Hussein and Maureen Dowd, that is. Heh, heh.
SH: Ah.....OK, George.
GWB: What can I do you for, Stevereenio?
SH: Well, George, I just wanted to thank you for that great advice last week. That surprise visit to Afghanistan really worked. The poll numbers are way up.
GWB: Glad I could help, Stevebo. I always found that chowing down with the troops with a fake turkey pays big dividends in the approval rating. Tends to make the voters forget about all the screw-ups. Heh, heh.
SH: I was kind of hoping that you could help me out with a few other issues.
GWB: You bet, Harper Valley. First off, I understand you don’t have a clear majority. Don’t worry about it; that never stopped me. But I would suggest you register as many of those Canadian voters in Florida as you can. You never know when that may come in handy.
SH: I’ll keep that in mind, George. But right now I’m more concerned with budget matters. What financial tricks can you teach me?
GWB: Piece of cake, NeoCanCon. Just stop running all those budget surpluses. What are you saving it for - a rainy day? Spend the money now any way you can - tax cuts, war, homeland security - you name it.
SH: But that’s going to cause a deficit and increase the national debt!
GWB: Bingo, Roboman. You must be one of them there economists. Look; forget all that fancy theory stuff. Just spend ‘til it hurts and guaranteed you’ll get reelected. I don’t know why it works but it just does. After all, look at me!
SH: OK. Sounds good. But what about healthcare? We’ve got a real problem up here with waiting lists and hospital beds.
GWB: What you gotta do, Cloneboy, is to create a diversion. Ever thought of starting a war? It’s real easy. You can declare war on fear or hate or something like that or you can just invade a country. But make sure it’s a small one. I kinda miscalculated on Iraq. But once you’ve got a war going, you can justify just about anything on the basis of national security, even privatising your healthcare system. And if anyone starts criticizing you, just call ‘em a traitor. Works every time.
SH: Sounds great, George. Come to think of it, Iceland has been looking at us kind of funny lately. But our military is spread pretty thin right now. What can we do about that?
GWB: Wish I could help you out there, Gladman, but ours is getting a bit thin, too. All I can tell you is to devote more of your budget to army stuff. Cut back on health, education and welfare spending if you have to. By the time anyone notices, you’ll be long gone anyway. Word to the wise, though. Don’t stint on levee building. That one’ll bite you in the ass every time.
SH: But that means I’d have to break some of my campaign promises.
GWB: Like not recruiting members from the other side or appointing only elected senators?
SH: Heh, heh. Oh yeah, I forgot.
GWB: Look, Droidguy, breaking promises is like making love or riding a bicycle. Every time you do it, it gets easier. Well, come to think of it, maybe not that bike riding thing.
SH: Thanks, George, for all the advice. It’s clear I still have a few things to learn about governing.
GWB: Oh, I think you’ll do fine, Minority Man. From what Dick Cheney tells me, you’re already half way to becoming a Canadian Bushman. Gotta go, Stepford. Still got some tax and brush cutting to do.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
My Friend George
Dear George,
I know we haven’t been very close these last few years. It seems like we’ve gotten caught up in our own individual pursuits and forgotten about each other. What with my writing career taking off and your unilateral invasions of middle eastern nations possessing no weapons of mass destruction, we just seem to have drifted apart.
Well, I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. From what I can gather, you could really use a friend right now.
Let’s face it; sometimes people can be cruel. Just because you made a few mistakes, that’s no reason for folks to give you a hard time.
I have to admit that I’m a bit worried about you. For some reason, I couldn’t get hold of Scooter and Karl won’t return my calls. Are you still talking to those guys or are you on the outs?
You know, when times get tough, you need some friends to rely on. Why not give Harriet a call? As I recall, she’s a big fan of yours, right?
And remember to look on the bright side. Sure, 67% of Americans disapprove of the job you’re doing. But that means 33% think you’re OK and the last time I checked that’s still marginally better than Richard Nixon’s numbers at this stage.
It also means millions of folks think you’re a good guy. That’s something to take comfort in. The fact that most of them also think that Adam and Eve walked with dinosaurs in no way diminishes that support.
I hope you’re not upset with the latest election results. Despite what the press are saying, you had nothing to do with the defeat of all those Republicans. After all, how could you have since none of them even asked for your help?
Don’t forget, you still have thousands of friends in the highest income bracket. Those folks really, really appreciate everything you did for them and I’m sure they won’t forget you soon. I can’t imagine your ineligibility for a third term will make them fair weather friends. Just because they’re making huge donations to other candidates now doesn’t mean they don’t still care about you.
Hey, maybe it’s time to take a break. That one-month vacation you take every August is not really much of a rest. You’re still chopping wood, clearing brush and riding your bike. Let’s face it; as you would say, that’s hard work.
And last year you didn’t even get the whole month off thanks to that Katrina thing. In the middle of all those recriminations about screwed up hurricane relief, I think folks forget that you lost out on your last week of holidays.
How about taking a few weeks right now? Go down to the ranch, kick off your boots and just read a few books. Or if you haven’t got any books, just watch TV.
And don’t worry about the country. I’m sure people can get along without you for a few weeks. Maybe even longer.
One last piece of advice: don’t isolate yourself. The last thing you want to do is end up like that Nixon fellow.
If you ever feel yourself getting a bit down or paranoid, just give me a call. I don’t mind holding on to that special briefcase with the nuclear war plans until you’re feeling better. I figure it’s the least I can do.
Your friend,
Dave
I know we haven’t been very close these last few years. It seems like we’ve gotten caught up in our own individual pursuits and forgotten about each other. What with my writing career taking off and your unilateral invasions of middle eastern nations possessing no weapons of mass destruction, we just seem to have drifted apart.
Well, I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. From what I can gather, you could really use a friend right now.
Let’s face it; sometimes people can be cruel. Just because you made a few mistakes, that’s no reason for folks to give you a hard time.
I have to admit that I’m a bit worried about you. For some reason, I couldn’t get hold of Scooter and Karl won’t return my calls. Are you still talking to those guys or are you on the outs?
You know, when times get tough, you need some friends to rely on. Why not give Harriet a call? As I recall, she’s a big fan of yours, right?
And remember to look on the bright side. Sure, 67% of Americans disapprove of the job you’re doing. But that means 33% think you’re OK and the last time I checked that’s still marginally better than Richard Nixon’s numbers at this stage.
It also means millions of folks think you’re a good guy. That’s something to take comfort in. The fact that most of them also think that Adam and Eve walked with dinosaurs in no way diminishes that support.
I hope you’re not upset with the latest election results. Despite what the press are saying, you had nothing to do with the defeat of all those Republicans. After all, how could you have since none of them even asked for your help?
Don’t forget, you still have thousands of friends in the highest income bracket. Those folks really, really appreciate everything you did for them and I’m sure they won’t forget you soon. I can’t imagine your ineligibility for a third term will make them fair weather friends. Just because they’re making huge donations to other candidates now doesn’t mean they don’t still care about you.
Hey, maybe it’s time to take a break. That one-month vacation you take every August is not really much of a rest. You’re still chopping wood, clearing brush and riding your bike. Let’s face it; as you would say, that’s hard work.
And last year you didn’t even get the whole month off thanks to that Katrina thing. In the middle of all those recriminations about screwed up hurricane relief, I think folks forget that you lost out on your last week of holidays.
How about taking a few weeks right now? Go down to the ranch, kick off your boots and just read a few books. Or if you haven’t got any books, just watch TV.
And don’t worry about the country. I’m sure people can get along without you for a few weeks. Maybe even longer.
One last piece of advice: don’t isolate yourself. The last thing you want to do is end up like that Nixon fellow.
If you ever feel yourself getting a bit down or paranoid, just give me a call. I don’t mind holding on to that special briefcase with the nuclear war plans until you’re feeling better. I figure it’s the least I can do.
Your friend,
Dave
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Politically Incorrect Weekend
It’s hard being a good liberal these days. Between buying the right coffee and driving the right vehicle, being politically correct has never been so difficult.
But that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect 24/7. Everyone deserves a break, including you. That’s why we’re offering a special "politically incorrect weekend" for the over-burdened liberal. Two days of forbidden pleasures and you’ll feel ready to tackle the evils of the world with renewed energy.
We’ll pick you up Saturday morning in a big honkin’ SUV of your choice. Then we’ll drive you to the tackiest suburban shopping mall you’ve ever seen for an entire afternoon of sinful shopping. Check out the sweatshop running shoes at Shoe World or the sealskin slippers at the We Don’t Give a Damn Store. You’ll find clothing items from every underprivileged, third world country you can imagine.
After your afternoon of politically incorrect purchases, it’s off to a local sports bar for a dinner you’ll never forget. Large-breasted, scantily-clad waitresses will bring you any cocktail your heart desires. From Scotch on the rocks to an extra dry martini, it’s yours for the asking. If you want, you can even order a domestic beer.
And the dinner selections will make you feel downright evil. From the well-marbled, antibiotic-laden T-bone steak to the milk-fed, pen-raised veal, you’ll savour delights you probably haven’t tasted for years.
After dinner, it’s time to check into your very own room at the local Budget Motel. Leave all the lights on, use as many towels as you want and keep flushing the toilet. Screw the environment; you’re on holiday.
And don’t bother turning off the TV. It’s there for your secret enjoyment. That’s right; you’ve got cable. And, best of all, there’s no PBS or A&E. Gorge yourself on The Apprentice, Survivor and American Idol. It’s alright. Go ahead. No one will ever know.
Day two starts with a "bad boy" breakfast at The Pancake Emporium. Knock back a stack of chemical-laced flapjacks topped with your favorite genuine, imitation maple syrup. Or go hog wild with eggs and bacon. No free-range, grain-fed, pesticide-free food here.
Sunday morning is free time for you. We’ve provided a roomful of guilty reading pleasures like The New York Post, The National Review and The Economist. But if you’d rather watch more TV, that’s entirely up to you.
After a delicious deli lunch of your choice of chemically-cured meat on rye, it’s off to the movies. We’ve reserved a local six-screen cineplex to allow you to choose your own favorite never-seen films. Watch American Pie or Porky’s or take in the Adam Sandler film festival. Remember, nobody has to know.
Then it’s off to your final dinner, a repast from the past. We’re sending you to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. That’s right. All your old favorites are there. Like sweet and sour chicken balls, egg rolls with plum sauce and chicken chow mein. And if you need a doggie bag, just ask one of the authentic Chinese waiters to bring you a "reftover bag." Don’t worry; no one will be offended.
As you luxuriate with your fellow holidayers after the meal, indulge yourself with a Black Russian and a Cuban cigar and join in the witty banter. If you want to say "Some of my best friends are Negroes" or "What do those people want anyway?" or "I’m not saying Hitler was right but I’m not saying he was wrong either", go ahead. No one’s keeping score.
When the SUV drops you off at home Sunday night, you’ll feel like a conservative king. And why not? Because tomorrow it’ll be back to life as an earnest liberal democrat. You fight the good fight all year long. Don’t you deserve at least one weekend of fun?
But that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect 24/7. Everyone deserves a break, including you. That’s why we’re offering a special "politically incorrect weekend" for the over-burdened liberal. Two days of forbidden pleasures and you’ll feel ready to tackle the evils of the world with renewed energy.
We’ll pick you up Saturday morning in a big honkin’ SUV of your choice. Then we’ll drive you to the tackiest suburban shopping mall you’ve ever seen for an entire afternoon of sinful shopping. Check out the sweatshop running shoes at Shoe World or the sealskin slippers at the We Don’t Give a Damn Store. You’ll find clothing items from every underprivileged, third world country you can imagine.
After your afternoon of politically incorrect purchases, it’s off to a local sports bar for a dinner you’ll never forget. Large-breasted, scantily-clad waitresses will bring you any cocktail your heart desires. From Scotch on the rocks to an extra dry martini, it’s yours for the asking. If you want, you can even order a domestic beer.
And the dinner selections will make you feel downright evil. From the well-marbled, antibiotic-laden T-bone steak to the milk-fed, pen-raised veal, you’ll savour delights you probably haven’t tasted for years.
After dinner, it’s time to check into your very own room at the local Budget Motel. Leave all the lights on, use as many towels as you want and keep flushing the toilet. Screw the environment; you’re on holiday.
And don’t bother turning off the TV. It’s there for your secret enjoyment. That’s right; you’ve got cable. And, best of all, there’s no PBS or A&E. Gorge yourself on The Apprentice, Survivor and American Idol. It’s alright. Go ahead. No one will ever know.
Day two starts with a "bad boy" breakfast at The Pancake Emporium. Knock back a stack of chemical-laced flapjacks topped with your favorite genuine, imitation maple syrup. Or go hog wild with eggs and bacon. No free-range, grain-fed, pesticide-free food here.
Sunday morning is free time for you. We’ve provided a roomful of guilty reading pleasures like The New York Post, The National Review and The Economist. But if you’d rather watch more TV, that’s entirely up to you.
After a delicious deli lunch of your choice of chemically-cured meat on rye, it’s off to the movies. We’ve reserved a local six-screen cineplex to allow you to choose your own favorite never-seen films. Watch American Pie or Porky’s or take in the Adam Sandler film festival. Remember, nobody has to know.
Then it’s off to your final dinner, a repast from the past. We’re sending you to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. That’s right. All your old favorites are there. Like sweet and sour chicken balls, egg rolls with plum sauce and chicken chow mein. And if you need a doggie bag, just ask one of the authentic Chinese waiters to bring you a "reftover bag." Don’t worry; no one will be offended.
As you luxuriate with your fellow holidayers after the meal, indulge yourself with a Black Russian and a Cuban cigar and join in the witty banter. If you want to say "Some of my best friends are Negroes" or "What do those people want anyway?" or "I’m not saying Hitler was right but I’m not saying he was wrong either", go ahead. No one’s keeping score.
When the SUV drops you off at home Sunday night, you’ll feel like a conservative king. And why not? Because tomorrow it’ll be back to life as an earnest liberal democrat. You fight the good fight all year long. Don’t you deserve at least one weekend of fun?
Monday, May 29, 2006
The New Hitler
The rash of recent Hitler comparisons has caused descendants of the Fuhrer to launch a public campaign to protect the memory of the late dictator.
"He was an evil megalomaniac of the first order," said family spokesperson Larry Hitler of Berlin, Ohio. "It’s unfair to keep comparing the Bush Administration to one of the most ruthless regimes of all time."
Larry, who is Adolph’s third cousin twice removed, said that a number of distant Hitler relatives recently decided that enough was enough.
"We couldn’t stand by and see Adolph’s sterling reputation for evil besmirched by a second rate gang of pretenders," said Larry. "I read about Adolph Hitler, I’m related to Adolph Hitler and George W. Bush is no Adolph Hitler."
Asked to comment on recent Hitler comparisons concerning excesses at Guantanamo Bay and the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, the Berlin resident sighed and dismissed the charges as laughable.
"The Bush Administration has killed a few prisoners and tortured what - maybe a few thousand more?" said Mr. Hitler. "That’s not bad but it hardly compares to the millions my cousin killed."
Asked for his view on the Iraq War, Mr. Hitler was equally curt.
"The unilateral invasion of one or two nations is hardly reason to rank Mr. Bush with the leader of the Third Reich," said Mr. Hitler. "Remember, we’re talking about a guy who unilaterally invaded half a dozen different countries. When and if Mr. Bush invades Syria, Iran and North Korea, maybe we can start talking ‘new Hitler’ but not until then."
Similarly, the Bush Administration’s profiling and harassment of Muslims both at home and abroad falls far short of the Hitler gold standard according to the family spokesman.
"It’s a start," said Mr. Hitler. "And I have to hand it to Mr. Bush for his crusade reference, his religious fundamentalism and his suspension of civil liberties. But he’s got a long way to go before he deserves comparison with the master of genocide."
And when it comes to desolation and destruction, Mr. Hitler says that Mr. Bush can’t hold a candle to his much-maligned cousin.
"Thanks to his grandiose plans and schemes, Adolph left Germany in ruins," said Larry. "Mr. Bush has only brought America to the brink of financial insolvency. That’s hardly apocalyptic."
Comparisons to Hitler henchmen like Joseph Goebbels also get Hitler family members riled.
"Remember, Goebbels was the master of the big lie," said Larry Hitler. "The best that can be said about the efforts of folks like Karl Rove and Dick Cheney is that they qualify as medium lies. When less than half of the American public still believes in weapons of mass destruction and an Osama-Saddam connection, it’s insulting to put such fabrications in the same league as Joseph’s whoppers."
Larry Hitler says he hopes calmer heads will prevail and that the recent spate of Hitler analogies can be stopped now.
"Unless and until Mr. Bush achieves his true potential," said Mr. Hitler. "I just don’t think comparing him to Adolph is fair to anybody. I’m not saying he couldn’t be the next Hitler but let’s not jump the gun."
Hitler family members have apparently not ruled out taking their grievances to the U. S. Supreme Court which they are confident would grant them the relief they seek.
"Let’s face it," said Larry Hitler. "So long as we have a judiciary that protects private property from business needs and won’t interfere in free elections, we’re a long way yet from a truly fascist state."
"He was an evil megalomaniac of the first order," said family spokesperson Larry Hitler of Berlin, Ohio. "It’s unfair to keep comparing the Bush Administration to one of the most ruthless regimes of all time."
Larry, who is Adolph’s third cousin twice removed, said that a number of distant Hitler relatives recently decided that enough was enough.
"We couldn’t stand by and see Adolph’s sterling reputation for evil besmirched by a second rate gang of pretenders," said Larry. "I read about Adolph Hitler, I’m related to Adolph Hitler and George W. Bush is no Adolph Hitler."
Asked to comment on recent Hitler comparisons concerning excesses at Guantanamo Bay and the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq, the Berlin resident sighed and dismissed the charges as laughable.
"The Bush Administration has killed a few prisoners and tortured what - maybe a few thousand more?" said Mr. Hitler. "That’s not bad but it hardly compares to the millions my cousin killed."
Asked for his view on the Iraq War, Mr. Hitler was equally curt.
"The unilateral invasion of one or two nations is hardly reason to rank Mr. Bush with the leader of the Third Reich," said Mr. Hitler. "Remember, we’re talking about a guy who unilaterally invaded half a dozen different countries. When and if Mr. Bush invades Syria, Iran and North Korea, maybe we can start talking ‘new Hitler’ but not until then."
Similarly, the Bush Administration’s profiling and harassment of Muslims both at home and abroad falls far short of the Hitler gold standard according to the family spokesman.
"It’s a start," said Mr. Hitler. "And I have to hand it to Mr. Bush for his crusade reference, his religious fundamentalism and his suspension of civil liberties. But he’s got a long way to go before he deserves comparison with the master of genocide."
And when it comes to desolation and destruction, Mr. Hitler says that Mr. Bush can’t hold a candle to his much-maligned cousin.
"Thanks to his grandiose plans and schemes, Adolph left Germany in ruins," said Larry. "Mr. Bush has only brought America to the brink of financial insolvency. That’s hardly apocalyptic."
Comparisons to Hitler henchmen like Joseph Goebbels also get Hitler family members riled.
"Remember, Goebbels was the master of the big lie," said Larry Hitler. "The best that can be said about the efforts of folks like Karl Rove and Dick Cheney is that they qualify as medium lies. When less than half of the American public still believes in weapons of mass destruction and an Osama-Saddam connection, it’s insulting to put such fabrications in the same league as Joseph’s whoppers."
Larry Hitler says he hopes calmer heads will prevail and that the recent spate of Hitler analogies can be stopped now.
"Unless and until Mr. Bush achieves his true potential," said Mr. Hitler. "I just don’t think comparing him to Adolph is fair to anybody. I’m not saying he couldn’t be the next Hitler but let’s not jump the gun."
Hitler family members have apparently not ruled out taking their grievances to the U. S. Supreme Court which they are confident would grant them the relief they seek.
"Let’s face it," said Larry Hitler. "So long as we have a judiciary that protects private property from business needs and won’t interfere in free elections, we’re a long way yet from a truly fascist state."
Friday, May 26, 2006
You Might Be A Republican
With apologies to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a Republican if.....
You think unilateralism is a complete foreign policy.
You like to dress up in military pilot’s gear and declare the end of major hostilities.
You consider "liberal" to be a four-letter word.
The phrase "compassionate conservative" doesn’t make you laugh.
You prefer to let Vice Presidents choose themselves.
You own more than one SUV.
You believe global warming is a communist plot.
You think Fox News really is fair and balanced.
You believe Ronald Reagan singlehandedly ended the Cold War.
You feel sorry for Martha Stewart and Ken Lay.
Going to war with no legitimate reason is OK with you.
You think tax cuts should only be for the rich.
You believe intellectual curiosity is a political handicap.
You think "chillin" is what martinis do in the fridge.
You prefer service-avoiding flyboys to decorated Vietnam war heros.
You consider "weapons of mass destruction-related activities" to be a meaningful expression.
You believe the social security surplus is a slush fund.
You’d like to see affirmative action restricted to legacy admissions to Ivy League schools.
You think Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are first cousins.
You believe massive deficit spending makes for sound economic policy.
You hate anyone with the last name Clinton.
You think timely SEC filings of insider trading transactions are for losers.
You wish all Presidential elections could be decided by the Supreme Court.
The words "I’m sorry" are not in your vocabulary.
You believe God is an American.
You might be a Republican if.....
You think unilateralism is a complete foreign policy.
You like to dress up in military pilot’s gear and declare the end of major hostilities.
You consider "liberal" to be a four-letter word.
The phrase "compassionate conservative" doesn’t make you laugh.
You prefer to let Vice Presidents choose themselves.
You own more than one SUV.
You believe global warming is a communist plot.
You think Fox News really is fair and balanced.
You believe Ronald Reagan singlehandedly ended the Cold War.
You feel sorry for Martha Stewart and Ken Lay.
Going to war with no legitimate reason is OK with you.
You think tax cuts should only be for the rich.
You believe intellectual curiosity is a political handicap.
You think "chillin" is what martinis do in the fridge.
You prefer service-avoiding flyboys to decorated Vietnam war heros.
You consider "weapons of mass destruction-related activities" to be a meaningful expression.
You believe the social security surplus is a slush fund.
You’d like to see affirmative action restricted to legacy admissions to Ivy League schools.
You think Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are first cousins.
You believe massive deficit spending makes for sound economic policy.
You hate anyone with the last name Clinton.
You think timely SEC filings of insider trading transactions are for losers.
You wish all Presidential elections could be decided by the Supreme Court.
The words "I’m sorry" are not in your vocabulary.
You believe God is an American.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
The Bush Model 2004
This one is from the 2004 election:
The Republican National Committee is proud to announce the introduction of the Bush Model 2004. We’ve retained all the simple features and Texan charm that made the Model 2000 such a surprising success. At the same time, we’ve totally redesigned the unit to appeal to a clear majority of Americans.
You’ll still find the same great tax cutting ability that first attracted you to the Bush Model 2000. All we’ve done is adjust it slightly to more clearly favor upper income brackets.
Many of our customers liked the "compassionate conservatism" of the Model 2000. But our marketing surveys revealed that some of you were unclear on the concept and still others were disappointed with the results.
So this year, we’ve reintroduced "compassionate conservatism" on the Bush Model 2004 but we’ve made it less complicated and easier to understand. Now when programming such initiatives as education, social security and healthcare, users will not be confused when they see a net fiscal reduction. Yet, just as with the Model 2000, there will still be an overall increase in perceived accomplishment.
Some of our customers were not entirely satisfied with the Model 2000's isolationist tendencies. As you may know, we moved quickly to address those complaints.
Starting in September of 2001, we began redesigning the Bush’s extraterritorial capabilities. The Model 2004 has a whole new powerful, kick-ass world view. And unlike the earlier Bush Model 1992, the Model 2004 has a unilateral option that promises quicker response time and multiple war fronts.
Some customers expressed concern about the Bush’s ability to function as a standalone unit. They liked the Cheney backup feature on the Model 2000 and wanted to see it retained.
We’re happy to announce that this year’s Bush will still have the powerful Cheney feature running silently in the background to ensure that the Model 2004 runs smoothly. And that means, of course, that you’ll still also get the special Rove system support package that helps keep the Bush on the far right track.
We’re confident that the improvements we’ve made to the Model 2004 will result in a political system that more than 50% of you will choose. And even if we fall a bit short of our goal, rest assured that this year’s unit can always rely on the Supreme Court failsafe option that worked so well for its predecessor.
We know you’re going to love the Bush Model 2004. Even if it doesn’t meet your individual needs, you know it’s what’s best for the country. And we’ll be working hard over the next few years to build an even bigger and better Bush - the Jeb Model 2008.
The Republican National Committee is proud to announce the introduction of the Bush Model 2004. We’ve retained all the simple features and Texan charm that made the Model 2000 such a surprising success. At the same time, we’ve totally redesigned the unit to appeal to a clear majority of Americans.
You’ll still find the same great tax cutting ability that first attracted you to the Bush Model 2000. All we’ve done is adjust it slightly to more clearly favor upper income brackets.
Many of our customers liked the "compassionate conservatism" of the Model 2000. But our marketing surveys revealed that some of you were unclear on the concept and still others were disappointed with the results.
So this year, we’ve reintroduced "compassionate conservatism" on the Bush Model 2004 but we’ve made it less complicated and easier to understand. Now when programming such initiatives as education, social security and healthcare, users will not be confused when they see a net fiscal reduction. Yet, just as with the Model 2000, there will still be an overall increase in perceived accomplishment.
Some of our customers were not entirely satisfied with the Model 2000's isolationist tendencies. As you may know, we moved quickly to address those complaints.
Starting in September of 2001, we began redesigning the Bush’s extraterritorial capabilities. The Model 2004 has a whole new powerful, kick-ass world view. And unlike the earlier Bush Model 1992, the Model 2004 has a unilateral option that promises quicker response time and multiple war fronts.
Some customers expressed concern about the Bush’s ability to function as a standalone unit. They liked the Cheney backup feature on the Model 2000 and wanted to see it retained.
We’re happy to announce that this year’s Bush will still have the powerful Cheney feature running silently in the background to ensure that the Model 2004 runs smoothly. And that means, of course, that you’ll still also get the special Rove system support package that helps keep the Bush on the far right track.
We’re confident that the improvements we’ve made to the Model 2004 will result in a political system that more than 50% of you will choose. And even if we fall a bit short of our goal, rest assured that this year’s unit can always rely on the Supreme Court failsafe option that worked so well for its predecessor.
We know you’re going to love the Bush Model 2004. Even if it doesn’t meet your individual needs, you know it’s what’s best for the country. And we’ll be working hard over the next few years to build an even bigger and better Bush - the Jeb Model 2008.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Just Kidding
THE WHITE HOUSE
Press Release - April 1, 2006
President Bush today announced what he called a "clean start" for the remainder of his second term.
"I recognize that there have been a few problems with my administration," said the President. "And I want to take this opportunity to set things right."
First, President Bush admitted that the Iraq War was entered into under false pretences and has been what he now calls a "huge mistake."
"There were no weapons of mass destruction, no yellowcake uranium and no connections with al Qaeda," said President Bush. "And nobody greeted us in Baghdad with open arms and flowers."
In keeping with this reevaluation of the record, the President has agreed to accept the resignations of Vice President Dick Cheney and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
"They both screwed up big time," said the President. "And the honorable thing for them to do is resign."
President Bush today also addressed the problem of the national debt and outlined a course of action to turn the nation’s finances around.
"We’re in debt up to our ears," said the President. "And, frankly, it’s mostly my fault."
Effective immediately, all tax cuts for the wealthy are rescinded. Troop withdrawals from Iraq will begin this week with resulting significant cuts in military expenditures. And, beginning today, there will be no more no-bid contracts for companies like Bechtel and Haliburton.
President Bush also acknowledged mistakes and errors in judgment on a number of other issues.
"Hurricane Katrina. What can I say?", said the President. "We underfunded FEMA and cut back on levee construction. Brownie didn’t do a heckuva job but, then again, neither did I."
"I’d also like to apologize for the prescription drug benefit plan," said the President. "Not only did we make it impossible to figure out, we also deliberately structured it to benefit our friends in the pharmaceutical and health insurance industries. Starting today, we’re going to make that right."
President Bush graciously conceded that his administration has not only exploited the American middle class but has been an abject failure. From prisoner abuse to unauthorized wiretapping, the President admitted that almost nothing has gone right.
"I hope the American people can overlook my shortcomings and have it in their hearts to forgive me," said the President. "Given my sad record, I intend to resign immediately."
The President concluded his remarks with the curt admonition: "April Fool!"
Press Release - April 1, 2006
President Bush today announced what he called a "clean start" for the remainder of his second term.
"I recognize that there have been a few problems with my administration," said the President. "And I want to take this opportunity to set things right."
First, President Bush admitted that the Iraq War was entered into under false pretences and has been what he now calls a "huge mistake."
"There were no weapons of mass destruction, no yellowcake uranium and no connections with al Qaeda," said President Bush. "And nobody greeted us in Baghdad with open arms and flowers."
In keeping with this reevaluation of the record, the President has agreed to accept the resignations of Vice President Dick Cheney and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
"They both screwed up big time," said the President. "And the honorable thing for them to do is resign."
President Bush today also addressed the problem of the national debt and outlined a course of action to turn the nation’s finances around.
"We’re in debt up to our ears," said the President. "And, frankly, it’s mostly my fault."
Effective immediately, all tax cuts for the wealthy are rescinded. Troop withdrawals from Iraq will begin this week with resulting significant cuts in military expenditures. And, beginning today, there will be no more no-bid contracts for companies like Bechtel and Haliburton.
President Bush also acknowledged mistakes and errors in judgment on a number of other issues.
"Hurricane Katrina. What can I say?", said the President. "We underfunded FEMA and cut back on levee construction. Brownie didn’t do a heckuva job but, then again, neither did I."
"I’d also like to apologize for the prescription drug benefit plan," said the President. "Not only did we make it impossible to figure out, we also deliberately structured it to benefit our friends in the pharmaceutical and health insurance industries. Starting today, we’re going to make that right."
President Bush graciously conceded that his administration has not only exploited the American middle class but has been an abject failure. From prisoner abuse to unauthorized wiretapping, the President admitted that almost nothing has gone right.
"I hope the American people can overlook my shortcomings and have it in their hearts to forgive me," said the President. "Given my sad record, I intend to resign immediately."
The President concluded his remarks with the curt admonition: "April Fool!"
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Cheney Notes
Vice President Dick Cheney made handwritten notations on a July 2003 newspaper column that indicate he was focused on a critic of the administration's Iraq policy, according to a court filing in the C.I.A. leak case.....In neat writing above the text of the column, prosecutors say, Mr. Cheney wrote: "Have they done this sort of thing before? Send an Amb. to answer a question? Do we ordinarily send people out pro bono to work for us? Or did his wife send him on a junket?"
- New York Times - May 13, 2006
Dick Cheney’s handwritten notations on the op-ed piece by former Ambassador Joseph Wilson were apparently not the only such notes made by the Vice President.
Takeout menu from local Chinese food restaurant
Why are there so many choices? Is the asterisk designation for "spicy" really a secret code? Why can’t you get a combo for one? Isn’t five miles an arbitrary restriction for free delivery?
Receipt for dry cleaning
Have we used this service before? Why must I specifically request starch for the collars? Isn’t that a given? Why is there no "five-item" special? Should we investigate?
Manhattan telephone directory
Is it necessary to have this many names in one book? Why are they ordered alphabetically? How come there are so many ethnic-sounding names? Can we put a wiretap on the numbers I’ve highlighted?
TV Guide
Why do they list channels other than FOX? Where are all the John Wayne movies? Is there any way to get 24-7 coverage of good news in Iraq? How can they give four stars to that turkey of a movie "Wag The Dog"?
CIA memo on no WMD
Did Rumsfeld see this yet? Where’s a paper shredder when you need one? Can we keep this from W? Is Porter Goss available?
The Da Vinci Code
Did Da Vinci ever visit Iraq? Are our guys aware of this code? Can we hire one of those albinos from Opus Dei? Has anyone talked to Dan Brown to see if he wants to be the White House speech writer?
Matchbook from the Watergate Hotel
Is this the place the Plumbers broke into? What were they thinking of? Who needs to burglarize to get secret information? Didn’t they have unauthorized wiretaps back then?
Presidential signing statement
Is this a great idea or what? How can we lose when the president opts out from the application of a law? Do you think W actually reads these things? When can we get rid of Congress for good?
- New York Times - May 13, 2006
Dick Cheney’s handwritten notations on the op-ed piece by former Ambassador Joseph Wilson were apparently not the only such notes made by the Vice President.
Takeout menu from local Chinese food restaurant
Why are there so many choices? Is the asterisk designation for "spicy" really a secret code? Why can’t you get a combo for one? Isn’t five miles an arbitrary restriction for free delivery?
Receipt for dry cleaning
Have we used this service before? Why must I specifically request starch for the collars? Isn’t that a given? Why is there no "five-item" special? Should we investigate?
Manhattan telephone directory
Is it necessary to have this many names in one book? Why are they ordered alphabetically? How come there are so many ethnic-sounding names? Can we put a wiretap on the numbers I’ve highlighted?
TV Guide
Why do they list channels other than FOX? Where are all the John Wayne movies? Is there any way to get 24-7 coverage of good news in Iraq? How can they give four stars to that turkey of a movie "Wag The Dog"?
CIA memo on no WMD
Did Rumsfeld see this yet? Where’s a paper shredder when you need one? Can we keep this from W? Is Porter Goss available?
The Da Vinci Code
Did Da Vinci ever visit Iraq? Are our guys aware of this code? Can we hire one of those albinos from Opus Dei? Has anyone talked to Dan Brown to see if he wants to be the White House speech writer?
Matchbook from the Watergate Hotel
Is this the place the Plumbers broke into? What were they thinking of? Who needs to burglarize to get secret information? Didn’t they have unauthorized wiretaps back then?
Presidential signing statement
Is this a great idea or what? How can we lose when the president opts out from the application of a law? Do you think W actually reads these things? When can we get rid of Congress for good?
Monday, May 22, 2006
Climate Change for Fun and Profit
Dear Subscriber:
Hope you’re enjoying double-digit returns from the stock picks in last month’s special "Make the Iraq War Work For You" newsletter. For those looking to do some long term investing, check out this month’s edition:
How to profit from global warming
* Invest in companies specializing in ice cream, air conditioning and sunglasses.
* Calculate how high the oceans will rise in order to determine which bargain inland real estate will become the next hot coastal properties. Buy now to ensure your grandchildren’s future.
* Invest heavily in levee and dike construction along the eastern seaboard, particularly in the New York City area.
* Book tickets now for future underwater tours of historic New Orleans.
* Buy or lease an extra SUV. Ensure that your vehicles have the lowest gasoline mileage and the highest emissions ratings. Do what you can to increase CO2 levels in the atmosphere in order to assist your financial planning and bolster your portfolio’s returns.
* Investigate what major insurance companies are planning for and follow suit.
* Check projected hurricane and tornado patterns for the coming decades and invest in regional demolition and construction companies.
* Buy shares in Halliburton.
* Buy future farmland in northern Canada for pennies on the dollar.
* Scope out possible sites for new desert spas in Iowa and Nebraska. Invest heavily.
* Post used ski equipment on eBay.
* Stock up on sunblock.
Hope you’re enjoying double-digit returns from the stock picks in last month’s special "Make the Iraq War Work For You" newsletter. For those looking to do some long term investing, check out this month’s edition:
How to profit from global warming
* Invest in companies specializing in ice cream, air conditioning and sunglasses.
* Calculate how high the oceans will rise in order to determine which bargain inland real estate will become the next hot coastal properties. Buy now to ensure your grandchildren’s future.
* Invest heavily in levee and dike construction along the eastern seaboard, particularly in the New York City area.
* Book tickets now for future underwater tours of historic New Orleans.
* Buy or lease an extra SUV. Ensure that your vehicles have the lowest gasoline mileage and the highest emissions ratings. Do what you can to increase CO2 levels in the atmosphere in order to assist your financial planning and bolster your portfolio’s returns.
* Investigate what major insurance companies are planning for and follow suit.
* Check projected hurricane and tornado patterns for the coming decades and invest in regional demolition and construction companies.
* Buy shares in Halliburton.
* Buy future farmland in northern Canada for pennies on the dollar.
* Scope out possible sites for new desert spas in Iowa and Nebraska. Invest heavily.
* Post used ski equipment on eBay.
* Stock up on sunblock.
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Great Bushini
Program note for an upcoming lifetime achievement award presentation hosted by the Association of Illusionists and Magicians:
AIM takes great pleasure in presenting its highest honor to America’s foremost magician and illusionist - The Great Bushini. For the past five years, under the management of Karl Rove and White House Productions, The Great Bushini has performed some of the most amazing magic tricks in the history of American political legerdemain. Some even say that he has achieved the golden standard of political prestidigitation by fooling most of the people all of the time.
The Great Bushini had achieved some regional notoriety in the state of Texas in the late 1990s. However, he first achieved national fame in the fall of 2000 with an astonishing sleight of hand. In full view of the national media, Bushini was able to turn a half million vote deficit into a presidential victory using only his brother and five members of the Supreme Court. To this day, most Americans have no idea how he performed this remarkable feat.
But that was only the beginning for America’s Conjurer in Chief. By the next year, he was performing never before seen number tricks that left his audiences gasping in disbelief. Perhaps his most awe-inspiring numerical stunt was to turn a $300 billion surplus into a $450 billion deficit using only rhetoric and selective tax cuts for the wealthy.
Some say Bushini’s greatest illusion occurred in 2003. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he was able to convince most Americans of the existence of terrorist links and weapons of mass destruction that were never there. Certain observers suspect that Bushini is also a master hypnotist since even today some Americans still believe those links and weapons exist.
That spectacular performance was followed by an even greater magical feat. Landing on an aircraft carrier in full flight uniform, The Great Bushini spoke the magic words "mission accomplished" and made a war disappear. People still marvel at how he instantly transformed a state of war into a mere ongoing insurgency even though superficially it looked as if nothing had really changed.
Today Bushini is still confounding and confusing audiences from coast to coast. Last year, despite seeming impossible odds, he was once again able to pull another presidential victory out of an electoral hat.
While it is true that The Great Bushini is getting older and his reflexes are waning, he continues to work his magic. For example, even though some members of Congress had secured Social Security in a lockbox, Bushini was somehow able to release it and open it up for debate.
His subsequent failed attempt to make Social Security disappear does little to tarnish his magical reputation. Although some say that this latest trick cannot be done, those who have followed The Great Bushini’s career know that nothing is impossible for America’s greatest conjurer.
AIM takes great pleasure in presenting its highest honor to America’s foremost magician and illusionist - The Great Bushini. For the past five years, under the management of Karl Rove and White House Productions, The Great Bushini has performed some of the most amazing magic tricks in the history of American political legerdemain. Some even say that he has achieved the golden standard of political prestidigitation by fooling most of the people all of the time.
The Great Bushini had achieved some regional notoriety in the state of Texas in the late 1990s. However, he first achieved national fame in the fall of 2000 with an astonishing sleight of hand. In full view of the national media, Bushini was able to turn a half million vote deficit into a presidential victory using only his brother and five members of the Supreme Court. To this day, most Americans have no idea how he performed this remarkable feat.
But that was only the beginning for America’s Conjurer in Chief. By the next year, he was performing never before seen number tricks that left his audiences gasping in disbelief. Perhaps his most awe-inspiring numerical stunt was to turn a $300 billion surplus into a $450 billion deficit using only rhetoric and selective tax cuts for the wealthy.
Some say Bushini’s greatest illusion occurred in 2003. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he was able to convince most Americans of the existence of terrorist links and weapons of mass destruction that were never there. Certain observers suspect that Bushini is also a master hypnotist since even today some Americans still believe those links and weapons exist.
That spectacular performance was followed by an even greater magical feat. Landing on an aircraft carrier in full flight uniform, The Great Bushini spoke the magic words "mission accomplished" and made a war disappear. People still marvel at how he instantly transformed a state of war into a mere ongoing insurgency even though superficially it looked as if nothing had really changed.
Today Bushini is still confounding and confusing audiences from coast to coast. Last year, despite seeming impossible odds, he was once again able to pull another presidential victory out of an electoral hat.
While it is true that The Great Bushini is getting older and his reflexes are waning, he continues to work his magic. For example, even though some members of Congress had secured Social Security in a lockbox, Bushini was somehow able to release it and open it up for debate.
His subsequent failed attempt to make Social Security disappear does little to tarnish his magical reputation. Although some say that this latest trick cannot be done, those who have followed The Great Bushini’s career know that nothing is impossible for America’s greatest conjurer.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
TomKat Security Advisory System
As a public service to unsuspecting members of the public, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and the Department of Homeland Security have jointly issued the following color-coded TomKat Security Advisory System:
Green
All clear. Neither Tom Cruise nor Katie Holmes is in North America and their last movie releases have gone to video. Feel free to channel surf without fear of unexpected TomKat attacks.
Blue
Caution. Either Tom or Katie is currently in the continental United States. Be prepared for a surprise, love-professing appearance on any or all network morning shows or an unexpected public lecture on love, faith and psychology.
Yellow
Elevated risk. Both Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes have been spotted in the U. S. although not together. Chance of radio, television or newspaper encounter is significant. Taylor-Burton Public Shame Index is between 4.0 and 6.0 or moderate.
Orange
High alert. Cruise and Holmes have been seen together in either New York City or Los Angeles. Incidents of proclamations of enduring love on the increase. Irate pronouncements on pseudo-psychological disorders peak. Taylor-Burton PSI exceeds 6.0. Avoid all talk shows until Security Advisory System alarm tone stops sounding.
Red
Severe crisis. TomKat spotted everywhere. Multiple TV appearances, sequential movie premieres and widespread front page coverage in print media. Love craziness and religious conversions reign supreme. Taylor-Burton PSI off the chart and strong possibility of impending, extremely tacky celebrity wedding. Stay inside, duct tape all electronic appliances and wait for all-clear signal.
Black
Doomsday warning. Top three grossing movies star one or both of Cruise and Holmes. "Mission Impossible IV" and "Mission Impossible V" slated for simultaneous release. Silent birthing produces one or more babies with buggy-like name (Buckboard? Carriage? Surrey?). Even Liz Taylor says this is too much. Duck, cover and prepare to be carried away by a Thetan Seven or possibly even a Thetan Eight.
Green
All clear. Neither Tom Cruise nor Katie Holmes is in North America and their last movie releases have gone to video. Feel free to channel surf without fear of unexpected TomKat attacks.
Blue
Caution. Either Tom or Katie is currently in the continental United States. Be prepared for a surprise, love-professing appearance on any or all network morning shows or an unexpected public lecture on love, faith and psychology.
Yellow
Elevated risk. Both Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes have been spotted in the U. S. although not together. Chance of radio, television or newspaper encounter is significant. Taylor-Burton Public Shame Index is between 4.0 and 6.0 or moderate.
Orange
High alert. Cruise and Holmes have been seen together in either New York City or Los Angeles. Incidents of proclamations of enduring love on the increase. Irate pronouncements on pseudo-psychological disorders peak. Taylor-Burton PSI exceeds 6.0. Avoid all talk shows until Security Advisory System alarm tone stops sounding.
Red
Severe crisis. TomKat spotted everywhere. Multiple TV appearances, sequential movie premieres and widespread front page coverage in print media. Love craziness and religious conversions reign supreme. Taylor-Burton PSI off the chart and strong possibility of impending, extremely tacky celebrity wedding. Stay inside, duct tape all electronic appliances and wait for all-clear signal.
Black
Doomsday warning. Top three grossing movies star one or both of Cruise and Holmes. "Mission Impossible IV" and "Mission Impossible V" slated for simultaneous release. Silent birthing produces one or more babies with buggy-like name (Buckboard? Carriage? Surrey?). Even Liz Taylor says this is too much. Duck, cover and prepare to be carried away by a Thetan Seven or possibly even a Thetan Eight.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Rhythm and Blues Method
The Roman Catholic Church is reportedly considering softening its position on birth control. If the following draft brochure leaked by the Vatican is any indication, a limited positive decision could be issuing soon:
Looking for ethical methods of birth control? Unsure of what’s sinful and what’s not? Worry no more with the following selection of devices and methods straight from the Church of Rome:
The Wholly Condom
This Vatican-approved prophylactic has 99 tiny, microscopically-inserted holes to lower, but not defeat, the odds of conception. Like playing the craps table at Vegas, you’ll be shouting "7 come 11" when you use the Church’s specially-designed Wholly Condom. Also marketed as the Half-safe®.
The Cervical Mitre
Barrier methods are now OK but only those that receive the Good Shepherd’s seal of approval. In the case of entry-blocking devices, our number one choice is the cervical mitre. Works just like the cervical cap except for the mitre-like protrusions and projections. You can now have conception-free sex so long as it’s painful and you don’t enjoy it.
Freedom Foam
The Church has recently developed the first non-spermicidal birth control foam. When used, Freedom Foam coalesces into a gelatine-like substance to make it difficult, if not impossible, for any little seeds to be planted in your garden. Rest easy knowing that if you do get pregnant, it was from a very strong, durable and determined swimmer. Comes in a rainbow of sensuous colors.
A Good Habit
The Church cannot, of course, sanction oral contraceptives or any spermicidal foams or jellies. But if you’re not comfortable with our newly-sanctioned barrier methods, you may want to consider this surefire bedroom passion killer. If your husband has ardor in his eyes, just put on this special papal-approved, floor-length, old-style nun’s habit complete with rosary and black-rimmed glasses. Guaranteed to extinguish even the lustiest male desires.
Rhythm and Blues Method
The Church has always given the green light to the tried and occasionally true rhythm method. Now there’s a new, more effective version: the rhythm and blues method. Chart your monthly cycle and your partner’s weekly libido pattern. Only schedule sexual relations when your fertility level and his desire level are at their lowest. Usually occurs on the last Monday before payday.
Deusphragm
Here’s our favorite Church-approved barrier method. Constructed like a diaphragm except with a special cheesecloth membrane on the bottom. Give your partner’s boys at least a fighting chance and leave the rest to God. Comes with an instruction manual and a handy, pocket-sized prayer book.
Looking for ethical methods of birth control? Unsure of what’s sinful and what’s not? Worry no more with the following selection of devices and methods straight from the Church of Rome:
The Wholly Condom
This Vatican-approved prophylactic has 99 tiny, microscopically-inserted holes to lower, but not defeat, the odds of conception. Like playing the craps table at Vegas, you’ll be shouting "7 come 11" when you use the Church’s specially-designed Wholly Condom. Also marketed as the Half-safe®.
The Cervical Mitre
Barrier methods are now OK but only those that receive the Good Shepherd’s seal of approval. In the case of entry-blocking devices, our number one choice is the cervical mitre. Works just like the cervical cap except for the mitre-like protrusions and projections. You can now have conception-free sex so long as it’s painful and you don’t enjoy it.
Freedom Foam
The Church has recently developed the first non-spermicidal birth control foam. When used, Freedom Foam coalesces into a gelatine-like substance to make it difficult, if not impossible, for any little seeds to be planted in your garden. Rest easy knowing that if you do get pregnant, it was from a very strong, durable and determined swimmer. Comes in a rainbow of sensuous colors.
A Good Habit
The Church cannot, of course, sanction oral contraceptives or any spermicidal foams or jellies. But if you’re not comfortable with our newly-sanctioned barrier methods, you may want to consider this surefire bedroom passion killer. If your husband has ardor in his eyes, just put on this special papal-approved, floor-length, old-style nun’s habit complete with rosary and black-rimmed glasses. Guaranteed to extinguish even the lustiest male desires.
Rhythm and Blues Method
The Church has always given the green light to the tried and occasionally true rhythm method. Now there’s a new, more effective version: the rhythm and blues method. Chart your monthly cycle and your partner’s weekly libido pattern. Only schedule sexual relations when your fertility level and his desire level are at their lowest. Usually occurs on the last Monday before payday.
Deusphragm
Here’s our favorite Church-approved barrier method. Constructed like a diaphragm except with a special cheesecloth membrane on the bottom. Give your partner’s boys at least a fighting chance and leave the rest to God. Comes with an instruction manual and a handy, pocket-sized prayer book.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Colbert Redux
Occasionally I'll throw in a serious piece like the following:
Stephen Colbert has legs and so, too, apparently does the story about his performance at this year’s White House correspondents’ dinner.
For those who missed it, Mr. Colbert stayed in character as the Bill O’Reilly-type host of his Comedy Central satirical show "The Colbert Report." As a fictional right-wing commentator, Mr. Colbert appeared to support the guest of honor, President Bush, while all the time wickedly lampooning him for everything from his intellectually incurious nature to the Iraq War.
I thought it was not only a funny performance; I considered Mr. Colbert courageous to play the clever, critical jester in the court of King George, even taking a few shots at the lapdog nature of the White House press corps.
But not everyone agreed with that assessment. Not surprisingly, most of the finger-waggers were members of the very same media who had gotten all dolled up for their annual lovefest with the president.
Chief among the tut-tutting scribes was liberal columnist Richard Cohen of "The Washington Post." Rather than celebrate the fact that Mr. Colbert was doing the job that the media had foregone, Mr. Cohen lambasted him for being unfunny and a bully.
Some observers were perhaps surprised by such a strong reaction from one who has made his living the last five years criticizing the Bush Administration. I must admit that I, too, was initially caught off guard by such a strident attack.
But on further reflection, it was really no surprise at all. Mr. Cohen is part of the Washington media establishment that depends for its existence and livelihood on the maintenance of a cordial symbiotic relationship with the government of the day.
After his column ran, Mr. Cohen received thousands of nasty e-mails challenging his position. He was genuinely surprised at the extent of the angry reaction and, in a subsequent column, sought to characterize it as the misguided digital lynching of an earnest liberal by a shortsighted left-wing mob.
Mr. Cohen's surprise at the emotional reaction of the blogosphere simply underscores the fact that he has to get out of Washington more often. I doubt that most of his e-mail critics viewed him as a dyed-in-the-wool Bush supporter. Rather, I suspect that they were simply upset with the cozy relationship between the President and the press that was on display at the correspondents’ dinner.
The typical extra-D. C. reader likely doesn't understand the gentlemen's agreement that inside-the-Beltway types abide by when they attend that dinner. They probably don't understand how the press can be so chummy with an administration that is doing so much harm.
What to Mr. Cohen seems like a question of good manners is to them a matter of utmost gravity. They don’t understand the inside view: Mr. Colbert didn't play by the unstated rules and thereby threatened the elitist underpinnings of the Washington establishment.
Some commentators like Dante Chinni of "The Christian Science Monitor" have suggested that the annual dinner should be eliminated and I think that's a good idea. If your job is to investigate and expose shortcomings and corruption in government, then you shouldn't pretend that you're like a lawyer battling an opponent in court who can easily fraternize with his adversary after his day's work is done.
This is not litigation; this is the fate of the nation and even the world. As a liberal columnist who has taken Mr. Bush to task numerous times, Mr. Cohen should know this better than anyone.
Here in Canada, the annual Press Gallery dinner held with the Prime Minister used to be a private, off-the-record, drunken event which accentuated the insider status of those in attendance and reinforced the cynicism about the relationship between politics and journalism. Making the event public (like the Washington equivalent) helped alleviate some of the cynicism but did little to cure the essentially dysfunctional nature of that relationship.
I suggest that both Washington and Ottawa get rid of these events and encourage the members of the media to get back to doing their jobs. It’s time for the press to take their responsibility more seriously. That means not only presenting an unbiased view but avoiding any appearances of bias.
Don’t be seduced by the perks of the position. Don’t sell out your principles for a fancy dinner with the President. Remember why you entered your profession and keep your distance from the foe.
Stephen Colbert has legs and so, too, apparently does the story about his performance at this year’s White House correspondents’ dinner.
For those who missed it, Mr. Colbert stayed in character as the Bill O’Reilly-type host of his Comedy Central satirical show "The Colbert Report." As a fictional right-wing commentator, Mr. Colbert appeared to support the guest of honor, President Bush, while all the time wickedly lampooning him for everything from his intellectually incurious nature to the Iraq War.
I thought it was not only a funny performance; I considered Mr. Colbert courageous to play the clever, critical jester in the court of King George, even taking a few shots at the lapdog nature of the White House press corps.
But not everyone agreed with that assessment. Not surprisingly, most of the finger-waggers were members of the very same media who had gotten all dolled up for their annual lovefest with the president.
Chief among the tut-tutting scribes was liberal columnist Richard Cohen of "The Washington Post." Rather than celebrate the fact that Mr. Colbert was doing the job that the media had foregone, Mr. Cohen lambasted him for being unfunny and a bully.
Some observers were perhaps surprised by such a strong reaction from one who has made his living the last five years criticizing the Bush Administration. I must admit that I, too, was initially caught off guard by such a strident attack.
But on further reflection, it was really no surprise at all. Mr. Cohen is part of the Washington media establishment that depends for its existence and livelihood on the maintenance of a cordial symbiotic relationship with the government of the day.
After his column ran, Mr. Cohen received thousands of nasty e-mails challenging his position. He was genuinely surprised at the extent of the angry reaction and, in a subsequent column, sought to characterize it as the misguided digital lynching of an earnest liberal by a shortsighted left-wing mob.
Mr. Cohen's surprise at the emotional reaction of the blogosphere simply underscores the fact that he has to get out of Washington more often. I doubt that most of his e-mail critics viewed him as a dyed-in-the-wool Bush supporter. Rather, I suspect that they were simply upset with the cozy relationship between the President and the press that was on display at the correspondents’ dinner.
The typical extra-D. C. reader likely doesn't understand the gentlemen's agreement that inside-the-Beltway types abide by when they attend that dinner. They probably don't understand how the press can be so chummy with an administration that is doing so much harm.
What to Mr. Cohen seems like a question of good manners is to them a matter of utmost gravity. They don’t understand the inside view: Mr. Colbert didn't play by the unstated rules and thereby threatened the elitist underpinnings of the Washington establishment.
Some commentators like Dante Chinni of "The Christian Science Monitor" have suggested that the annual dinner should be eliminated and I think that's a good idea. If your job is to investigate and expose shortcomings and corruption in government, then you shouldn't pretend that you're like a lawyer battling an opponent in court who can easily fraternize with his adversary after his day's work is done.
This is not litigation; this is the fate of the nation and even the world. As a liberal columnist who has taken Mr. Bush to task numerous times, Mr. Cohen should know this better than anyone.
Here in Canada, the annual Press Gallery dinner held with the Prime Minister used to be a private, off-the-record, drunken event which accentuated the insider status of those in attendance and reinforced the cynicism about the relationship between politics and journalism. Making the event public (like the Washington equivalent) helped alleviate some of the cynicism but did little to cure the essentially dysfunctional nature of that relationship.
I suggest that both Washington and Ottawa get rid of these events and encourage the members of the media to get back to doing their jobs. It’s time for the press to take their responsibility more seriously. That means not only presenting an unbiased view but avoiding any appearances of bias.
Don’t be seduced by the perks of the position. Don’t sell out your principles for a fancy dinner with the President. Remember why you entered your profession and keep your distance from the foe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)