A Mad Tea Party

There was a giant tea party near the big white house and Glenn the Mad Hatter and Alveda the March Hare and all their patriot friends were having tea. Sarah came upon the scene and asked to join them.
"You may join us," said the Mad Hatter. "But first you must answer this riddle: When is a political rally neither political nor a rally?"
"Oh, I know the answer to that one," said Sarah. "Or at least I think I do."
"Then you should say what you mean," said the Hatter.
"Well I do," said Sarah. "Or at least I mean what I say which is the very same thing."
"Not the same thing a bit!" said the Hatter. "You might as well say ‘A right vote for the left’ is the same thing as ‘A left vote is right’."
"Or you might just as well say," said the March Hare, "that ‘a social with Obama’ is the same as ‘Obama is a socialist’."
"Well, that’s true indeed, " said the Hatter. "Isn’t it?"
All went silent but then the Mad Hatter took his watch out of his pocket, shook it and asked: ‘What day of the month is it?’
"Why it’s the 28th," said Sarah quite sure of herself.
"No it’s not," said the Hatter. "It’s the anniversary of the King’s speech 47 years ago. I bet your watch can’t tell time like that."
Sarah was now even more befuddled than usual. Then the Hatter asked her if she’d yet solved the riddle.
"No, I give up," said Sarah. "When is a political rally neither political nor a rally?"
"I have no idea," said the March Hare.
"Nor do I," said the Hatter. "Although I’m guessing it’s probably when it’s a religious revival meeting."
"I would think that you might do something better with time," Sarah said, "than waste it in asking riddles that have no answers."
"If you knew Time as well as I do," said the Hatter, "you wouldn’t talk about wasting it. It’s hymn."
"I don’t know what you mean," said Sarah.
"I mean we can all spend our time singing hymns," said the Hatter. "And pretend it’s all about Him when it’s really about him, that one in the white house, the one who’s a socialist."
"If this is a tea party," said Sarah, "then why haven’t I yet had any tea?"
"Take some more tea," said the Hatter.
"I’ve had nothing yet," said Sarah, "so how can I take more?"
"You mean you can’t take less," said the Hatter: it’s very easy to take more than nothing."
At that, Sarah got up and left thinking to herself that this was the most curious tea party she’d ever been to in her life. But if she could only find that rabbit hole she had fallen down earlier, maybe it would lead her to the nearby white house which could then become her new home.

A Rebuilt Four-barrel Constitution

"The Tea Party is meanwhile busy rewriting America’s early history under [Glenn] Beck’s tutelage by enforcing a vision of the Constitution tantamount to the Creationists’ view of Genesis. We must obey the words of the founding fathers literally..... There can be no evolution or amendments."
- Frank Rich - The N. Y. Times - May 30, 2010

Glenn Beck’s reply in the latest issue of "Constitutional Shadetree Mechanic":

It’s about time someone had the good sense to revert back to the Constitution as it was originally formulated by our sainted Founding Fathers. Any piece of long-working machinery, no matter how well designed, will eventually get clogged up with accumulated deposits and amendments.

Say you inherited an old ‘57 Chevy that hadn’t seen the inside of a garage in thirty years. Would you continue to drive it on the highway, cross your fingers and just hope for the best?

Of course not. You’d put it up on the hoist, drain the oil and start removing all the gunk and sediment that had built up over the years. You’d also take a look under the hood and remove any unnecessary add-ons and replace any worn or used parts.

Well, that’s just what we’ve gotta do with the Constitution. Given its age and the rough treatment it’s endured, it doesn’t just need some minor tinkering. It’s time to drive the old gal into the legislative shop, strip her down to basics and rebuild the engine to original specs.

Now looking at the owner’s manual, I guess we could all agree that you’d keep the first ten amendments. After all, they were installed on the original chassis after only four years by the same designers. Plus, they’re pretty much essential to the document’s smooth functioning, especially that second amendment.

Can’t run a good government without an unencumbered right to bear arms.
But anything tacked on after 1791 has gotta go. There’s just too much crap hanging off the frame and gunk jamming up the governmental carburetor to achieve anything approaching the optimal performance of this classic document.

Once we’ve stripped this classic down to the basics, we can see what we’ve got. By my reckoning, that should leave us with a Senate unelected by popular vote. That should cut down considerably on electoral expenses and allow for a more efficient bicameral vehicle.

We should also be able to see that this baby was originally an exclusively male-operated mechanism. Eliminating women from the electoral transmission should cut our operating costs in half.

I think you’ll find that once you’ve done a complete rebuild that you’ll no longer be encumbered by such operational limitations as a two-term presidential restriction. For those of a conservative bent, that could mean lots more governing milage under someone like a Bush or a Reagan.

You might be surprised to find that when you’ve reassembled the Constitution as originally written that you’ll have re-instituted slavery. Initially, you might find this troubling but just remember, it will only be active in certain states and, even then, each slave will be counted as three-fifths of a person. Before condemning this original feature outright, we probably should really give it a try and see what the founding designers had in mind.

Once you’re done, you’ve got a brand new 1787 U. S. Constitution with all the original bells and whistles. Take her out for a spin and enjoy that new-document feeling all over again.

A Truly Canadian Crime

"Bilingual thief robs convenience store"

OTTAWA - A knife-wielding man robbed a convenience store in the 300 block of Shakespeare Street Saturday afternoon. The man entered the store shortly after 4:30 p.m. and demanded money in
both English and French.
- The Ottawa Citizen - August 8, 2010

"Hello. Bonjour."
"This is a stickup. Ça c’est un ‘stickup’."
"Do you understand? Comprenez vous?"
"If yes, just shake your head. Si oui, hochez votre tête."
"No, I do not speak Italian. Non, je ne parle pas Italien."
"Hey, buddy, this is a bilingual country. You’re expected to know at least one of our two official languages. Eh, mon fils, Canada est un pays bilingue. If faut que vous savez au moins une des notres deux lingues officiels."
"OK, I’m not going to repeat this again. Open the cash drawer, put your hands above your head and step back from the cash. OK, je ne vais pas répéter cet. Ouvrir le tiroir-caisse, mettez vos mains dessus de votre tête et recul par rapport à la caisse."
"Is that all you’ve got? Est que tout ce que vous avez?"
"No, no, I’m not blaming you. Non, non, je ne vous blâme."
"It’s just that it’s eight o’clock at night and I assumed you’d have a full till. C'est juste que c’est veinte heures et je suppose que vous auriez une caisse pleine."
"Look, what have you got that I can sell? Regardez, qu'avez-vous que je peux vendre?"
"How about some beer or wine? Qu'en est-il de la bière ou du vin?"
"You’re kidding. No beer or wine? But this is a convenience store. Vous plaisantez. Pas de bière ou de vin? Mais il s'agit d'un dépanneur."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is Ontario, not Quebec. No beer or wine sales in convenience stores. Ah, oui, j’ai oublié. Pas de bière ou de vin de vente dans les dépanneurs."
"How about cigarettes? Maybe I could take a few cartons. Que diriez-vous des cigarettes? Peut-être je pourrais prendre un peu de cartons."
"What do you mean I have to show identification? Qu'est-ce que tu veux dire que j'ai une carte d'identité?"
"Of course I’m over nineteen. Bien sûr, je suis au dessus de dix-neuf."
"I understand. I understand. If you sell to a minor, you could lose your license. Je comprends. Je comprends. Si vous vendez à un mineur, vous risquez de perdre votre permis."
"OK, here’s my driver’s license. Just check my birth date, that’s all. Promise? OK, voici mon permis de conduire. Il suffit de cocher ma date de naissance, c’est tout. Vous me le promettez?"
"Oh, damn! Here are the police. Sacrifice! Voici la police."
"Yes, officer. I’ll put my hands behind my back. If I didn’t have to give instructions to that clerk in both official languages, I would have been out of here five minutes ago. Well, since I assume you’re bilingual, at least I don’t have to translate anymore. Merde!"

Brer BP and the Offshore Oil Spill

"Did I ever tell you the tale of how Brer BP outsmarted Brer Obama?" said Uncle Cheney. "It sure is one of the strangest stories you’re ever going to hear."

So the citizens gathered around and Uncle Cheney began to tell the tale of Brer BP and the Offshore Oil Spill.

"You see," said Uncle Cheney. "Before Brer Obama came along, there was no such thing as regulating offshore oil drilling. You could do whatever you pleased."

"So everybody from Brer BP to Brer Halliburton went into the ocean and drilled down thousands and thousands of feet until they struck oil. And nobody much cared if they took any precautions for everybody was happy to makes lots and lots of money."

Uncle Cheney knew what he was talking about because he, too, made money from all this drilling. In fact, when he stopped working for Brer Halliburton, he got a $34 million payout.

"Now thanks to Brer BP and all the others, there was lots and lots of oil," said Uncle Cheney. "Everybody got to drive their cars and all the oil drillers made billions of dollars."

"But then a little accident happened," said Uncle Cheney. "And Brer BP spilled a bit of oil in the Gulf and some people started to get mad."

"Brer Obama was the maddest of all but he figured he could trick Brer BP and trap him in the oil spill. And it looked like he might even succeed for Brer BP got all caught up in the spill. Brer BP tried all kinds of things to stop the oil and he told everybody that he was going to clean up the whole gulf and nobody else would have to pay."

One of the citizens asked Uncle Cheney how it came to pass that Brer BP could make such a mess. "Wasn’t there a law against that?" he asked.

"Well there used to be a law," said Uncle Cheney. "But we got rid of that so all the nice oil drillers could get on with finding more oil."

"Anyway, that’s not important now," said Uncle Cheney. "What’s important is that Brer Obama thought that he had trapped Brer BP in the oil spill and that he would finally be able to put this problem behind him."

"But that clever Brer BP wasn’t going to be caught that easily. He kept saying to Brer Obama: ‘Oh woe is me. This is just about the worst mess I’ve ever been in but I’ll do everything I can to clean up this spill. You just wait and see. Whatever you do, though, please don’t regulate me. I’d rather anything happen to me than more regulations.’

"So Brer Obama fell for Brer BP’s trick and he started to write some tough new regulations. And Brer BP couldn’t have been happier for he just told Brer Obama that with all those new regulations, he could no longer afford to clean up the oil spill. Then he quickly declared bankruptcy and walked away from that spill faster than a snake shedding its skin."

"And what happened to Brer Obama?" all the citizens asked.

"He’s still there," said Uncle Cheney. "At least until 2012."

"Dare to be Average" now available on Amazon.com

Now you have two choices: you can order "Dare to be Average" through Lulu.com or you can buy it on Amazon.com. Just click the link on the right referring to my new book and it will take you to Amazon where you can also check out the first three pieces in the book.

Dare to be Average

It's finally here. "Dare to be Average" is my latest humor collection. It's published by Lulu.com and excerpts can be found at my blog http://www.daretobeaverage.blogspot.com/. To buy a copy of the book or an e-book version, go to http://www.lulu.com/ and type in "dare to be average." Or better yet, just click on the button below.

Wasilla Barbie

"Mattel plans to bring out versions of Barbie and Ken styled after four ‘Mad Men’ characters."
- The Globe and Mail - March 10, 2010

If all goes well with Mattel’s ‘Mad Men’ collector series, look for its new ‘Political Pals’ collection this fall including the following limited edition dolls:

Wasilla Barbie
Over the years, Barbie has kept pace with social changes and transformed herself into various career women. Now Mattel has taken Barbie to a whole new level: the conservative career politician. From her attractive appearance to her part-time political job to her ability to field dress a moose, Wasilla Barbie has it all. This is one of the rare talking Barbies although it only has a limited selection of catchy phrases like "You betcha!", "The mainstream media elites" and "Gotcha journalism."

Kloseted Ken
Based on men like Senator Larry Craig and California State Senator Roy Ashburn, Kloseted Ken is that strangest of political creatures: the homophobic homosexual. Dressed in a conservative blue suit, Kloseted Ken has a wild secret life that belies his anti-gay political stance. This doll comes with accessories like a wife, kids, a public men’s washroom stall and a government-issue car to drive him to the nearest gay nightclub.

Black Barry
Sensitive to racial issues, Mattel introduced Barbie’s African-American friend Christie in 1968 and a black male doll named Brad in 1981. In keeping with that trend, the company plans to include Black Barry in its upcoming fall collection. Black Barry is Barbie’s new African-American friend who just happens to be the president of the United States. Accessories include a white house, a trillion-dollar debt and a possible second term.

Hillary
Another in Barbie’s long list of female friends, Hillary is a fierce feminist. Burdened with a successful but philandering political husband, Hillary nevertheless was a successful politician in her own right. She once ran for president herself but sadly has now chosen to be a secretary. Accessories include a closet full of different colored pantsuits and an ankle monitor for her husband.

Kuddly Karl
Mattel has often been criticized for the unrealistic body image that Barbie dolls project. To help change that perception, the company plans to issue Kuddly Karl, a chubby, partially-balding middle-aged man. Karl is that most common of Washington political operative: the spin merchant behind the actual officeholder. In this case, Karl keeps spinning long after his principal has left office.

The Real Dick
In keeping with the trend to adopt more accurate body profiles, Mattel will also release its first vice presidential doll: The Real Dick. Dick spends his life in pursuit of conservative causes and helps his presidential friend W run the country. Even when he’s no longer in office, The Real Dick is perpetually in attack mode thereby earning his name.

On the Double-double

"Tim Hortons’ employees at Kandahar Airfield will be among the medal recipients from the Afghan war....."
- The Ottawa Citizen - March 28, 2010

They say war is hell and I’ve got the scars to prove it. Two tours of duty at the Kandahar Tim Hortons saw to that.
I didn’t sign on for two tours. All I wanted was one trip to Afghanistan and then get out. But once you’re there pouring coffees and passing crullers, the excitement gets in your blood and you can’t help but reup.
It wasn’t always like that. In fact, the first few months of my first rotation were deadly dull. That’s what happens when you’re not on the front lines.
I started out inside the wire, a lowly grunt grinding coffee beans and frying doughnuts. There’s no shame in that but it’s not the kind of action I signed on for.
So when I talked to my shift leader four months in and told him I couldn’t take much more, he sized me up and said: "Kid, I like the way you handle yourself but you’re still raw and untested. What makes you think you’re ready for the front line?"
Honestly, I couldn’t say but I just knew if I didn’t see some real action soon, I was going to go crazy. So I gave him the answer he wanted to hear: "Sir, yes sir, I’m ready. Send me in and you won’t regret it."
So the next day he sent me in and he almost did regret it. I thought I was ready for battle but all the training in the world can’t prepare you for the morning rush.
One minute I’m standing there loading Timbits in the wire trays and the next minute we’re overrun by soldiers yelling for double-doubles, dutchies and doughnuts. The orders were coming fast and furious and, for a moment, I thought I might cash out.
Luckily, I was teamed with Sarge, a grizzled veteran who knew the ropes and had seen it all. Just as I was about to take some flak from an incoming customer, Sarge stepped in front of me, filled the order, made change and sent the "coffee drinker" packing.
I owed Sarge for saving my bacon but that’s not all. I also owed him a debt of thanks for showing me the ropes and helping me make it through that first tour. If not for him, I doubt I would have even been around to sign up for a second one.
And what a tour it was. Everything they say about combat is true. You’re scared all the time but you’ve never felt so alive. And the bond you forge with your counter mates is even stronger than your family ties. You’d cover for any of those guys and, if you had to, even make change for a hundred.
But I guess my fondest memory of Afghanistan is the time I returned the favor and saved Sarge’s butt. It was late one night when things get quiet on the base and even the veterans tend to relax and let their guard down.
We were on closing duty together and, with minutes to go, Sarge had already emptied the carafes and tossed the leftovers. He had his back turned so he never saw the guy at the far table quietly rolling up his rim.
Without warning, the guy ran to the counter, tossed the open rim down and demanded a free coffee. Holding an empty carafe, Sarge turned around, completely defenseless.
I saw the look of fear in his eyes and, without thinking, I jumped in front of him and handed the guy my medium black, no sugar that I was saving for later back at the tents.
Sarge slumped in the corner, his face still ashen and said: "Thanks, kid; I owe you one."
"No you don’t, Sarge; don’t you remember?" I said. "Now we’re even."

Cutting Up the Cash

"The U.S. House of Representatives on Friday approved a financial reform bill that would expose the Federal Reserve to more scrutiny, threatening its cherished political independence."
- Reuters - Dec. 11, 2009

Transcript of a recent secret meeting held in a conference room in the New York Fed Building attended by Fed Chairman Benny "The Bailout" Bernanke, Treasury Secretary Timmy "The TARP" Geithner, Interim N. Y. Fed Chair Denny "The Chair" Hughes and the heads of the other eleven Fed families:

"Hey, Benny. Whatsa matta wit you?"
"Whadda ya mean, Denny?"
"I mean we gotta good thing going here and you’re gonna screw it up."
"Nah, everything’s fine."
"No, Benny, it ain’t. Folks are starting to get suspicious. Dey see all dis money goin’ out but nobody’s gotta job."
"They just gotta be patient, that’s all."
"They ain’t got no more patience, Benny. And now they wanna look at da books."
"But we don’t got no books, Denny."
"Exactly. Dat was da beauty of this operation. Now whadda ya wanna us to do?"
"Maybe it don’t look so good right now but Timmy here’s gotta solution."
"OK, let’s hear it Timmy."
"Fellas, we got as much money as we want, see. We just print it downstairs in the basement like always. So I says we just run off an extra trillion greenbacks and we buy up some more troubled assets. That’ll make a whole bunch of mugs happy and dey’ll leave us alone."
"But Timmy, whadda we need with a bunch more troubled assets? We still can’t unload the last shipment we got."
"It don’t matter, Denny. We just keep ‘em all in storage. We still prints more money for us, see, and nobody’s the wiser."
"But dose jokers in Congress are talking about pulling the plug on our operation. Whadda we do about dem, Benny?"
"Look, dose guys like cash same as us. So long as we throw some extra bonus money in their campaign war chests, dey’ll back off, guaranteed."
"OK Benny, Timmy; we’s countin’ on youse guys to keep the cash flowing. We don’t need no audits or no stinkin’ regulations."
"Yeah, sure. Youse can count on us."

In The Hole

MEMO

TO: The broadcast commentators
FROM: The President of CBS Sports

For the 55th straight year, CBS Sports will be broadcasting the Masters Golf Tournament. We are proud to maintain our ongoing relationship with the Augusta National Golf Club to bring the American viewing public this historic sporting event.

This year is special, of course, not only because it marks our 55th anniversary but also because it marks the return of Tiger Woods to the professional golf circuit. In order to minimize any awkwardness for Tiger and to maximize our viewing audience and advertising revenues, I am asking all of you to refrain from any deliberate or inadvertent golf-related metaphors or innuendos that might embarrass Mr. Woods, his family or our viewers.

To this end, please abide by the following guidelines:

(1) Avoid the words "out of bounds." There are lots of ways to say that Mr. Woods has mishit his shot. For example, you could say that he hooked it or sliced it or topped the ball or whatever. You can even say that he put his ball in the woods, a nice play on words. But don’t use the phrase "out of bounds" for obvious reasons.

(2) Don’t use "hazards, traps or bad lies." Even if Tiger’s shot doesn’t miss the fairway, he can still find himself in other difficult situations — on the course, that is. Best to avoid any reference to the particular lie and instead simply say that he will have a tough shot coming up.

(3) Be careful with club references. For example, at no time should you ever mention the shaft of Mr. Woods’s club. Same goes for the stiffness of the club. You can use the term "wood" but be cautious in doing so.

(4) Same goes for his putter. Never say "Tiger takes out his putter" or "Tiger plays with his putter" or any similar expression. Also please refrain from indicating how he is stroking a particular putt.

(5) Although Mr. Woods is noted for his long game and his multiple Major victories, please do not mention them during the Masters coverage. Viewers might take the references the wrong way.

If we can all remember these few simple guidelines, I believe we can maintain the prestigious TV coverage of the Masters that we have become known for. All in all, I think that’s a fair way to deal with the situation.

Rush Heads South

"If this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented, I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica."
- Rush Limbaugh - March 8, 2010

Customs and Immigration - San Jose International Airport - March 31, 2015

"Welcome to Costa Rica, señor. May I have your passport? What is the purpose of your visit?"
"I want to immigrate to your country. I’ve had it with all that damned socialized medicine in the U. S. and that gang of pinkos in Washington."
"Well, Señor Limburger, I don’t want to disappoint you but this may not be the place for you."
"What are you talking about? Of course it’s the place for me. It’s warm like Florida and I understand you can get all kinds of heavy duty painkillers at the pharmacies without a prescription."
"Si, señor, but there are certain aspects of Costa Rica that you may not find to your liking."
"What’s not to like? Reasonably priced pharmaceuticals, great beaches and no Obama."
"Well, first of all we have no army."
"No army? What? Are you loco?"
"No Mr. Rush, we are not loco. We constitutionally abolished our army in 1949. We have no standing army."
"But that’s crazy. What if you’re attacked?"
"We have internal security forces, señor, and we sometimes even participate in foreign peacekeeping missions."
"Are you guys commies or something?"
"No, Mr. Lamborghini, we are a vibrant social democracy dedicated to the welfare of all of our citizens."
"Sounds like communism to me. Anyway, what else have you got?"
"We have state agencies that run many of our sectors like la electricidad and los bancos. Until last year, we even had a state monopoly on insurance and los telefonos."
"You guys are crazy. You must have revolutions and coups all the time."
"No, Mr. Limppaw, we are the longest running continuous democracy in Latin America. We have had free, open and non-controversial elections for over sixty years. I’m not sure even los Estados Unidos can claim that."
"Now them’s fighting words, Pablo."
"Mr. Roosh, my name is not Pablo and I’m only stating the facts so you won’t be disappointed if you decide to live here. For example, I sense that you may not be too happy to know that we are the greenest country in the world?"
"Greenies? That’s just nuts. Don’t tell me you’ve also got socialized medicine or something crazy like that?"
"Señor Rhumba, I hesitate to tell you that such is the case. We have universal healthcare and it only costs a fraction of what it does in your country."
"OK, pal, that’s the last straw. When’s the next flight to Colombia?"
"Very soon, señor, very soon."

Washington's Healthcare Victims

Thanks to some vigorous lobbying and political manoeuvring, President Obama finally got his cherished healthcare reform initiative through Congress. That’s great news for millions of uninsured Americans. But let’s not forget that there have been a number of healthcare victims along the way. Victims like:

Bill
Chief among the victims is Healthcare Bill himself. Starting out as a healthy piece of legislation with a guaranteed, filibuster-proof majority, Bill quickly suffered several serious setbacks and numerous cuts. Before long, Bill was on life support and appeared to be close to death. But thanks to the judicious use of pork barrel therapy and the selective application of some lucrative add-ons, the patient rallied and now looks to be on the path to a healthy recovery. Bill was finally released from Congress and allowed to sign out at The White House.

House
This is not the noted TV doctor but rather the junior legislative chamber of the U. S. Congress. In its youth, House had few problems and was able to deal with most health issues with a simple up or down majority vote. But over time, House’s legislative reflexes atrophied and its once quick-flowing procedural arteries clogged to the point where almost nothing could pass. Luckily, a last-ditch emergency procedure called reconciliation allowed House to once again function with a simple majority. But such a temporary fix does not guarantee the long term health of this once thriving body.

Undecided Democrats
Some Congressmen and women of the Democratic persuasion are seeking physiotherapy. Most are complaining of severe pain in their arms apparently caused by repeated twisting. Those of a liberal bent are feeling discomfort in their left arms while so-called Blue Dog Democrats are complaining of right arm pain. Those with the most pain report being assaulted directly by the Armtwister-in-Chief. Some of these patients will definitely need presidential support for their own legislative pet projects in order to avoid contracting a serious case of midterm electoral defeat.

Republicans
Undecided Democrats are not the only victims of the push for healthcare reform. Virtually all Republican members of both houses of Congress have also suffered injury, many complaining of a throat ailment associated with undue ramming. They seem to have developed a severe allergy to bipartisanship and a compulsive desire to say "no" or "start over." In what appears to be an unusual epidemic, all of these individuals are suffering from an incurable form of block voting thought to have been brought on by obsessive clinging to an aging, outdated ideology.

Civility
Perhaps the most tragic victim of this entire process is Civility. For many years, Civility enjoyed generally good health and could be found associating with all camps in Washington. More recently, however, it was repeatedly abused and violated to the point where it was almost entirely destroyed. Although Civility appears to be close to death, some are hoping that it can be revived by the selective surgical removal of a serious case of political punditry.

The Sixty-six Dollar Bill

Republican Representative Patrick McHenry of North Carolina has proposed that Ronald Reagan’s face replace that of Ulysses S. Grant on the fifty-dollar bill. Rather than banish Grant from the fifty, why not create new denominations to honor Reagan and his contemporaries? New denominations like:

The 75-cent piece
We’ve got a 25-cent piece and a 50-cent piece, otherwise known as the quarter and the half-dollar. Why not a three-quarter dollar? Chances are it would be very unpopular and fade into obscurity. Thus, it would be a perfect candidate to honor the visage of America’s most recent forgotten-but-not-gone leader: George W. Bush. Who better to be labelled the six-bit president than "W" himself?

The $1 coin
From the Susan B. Anthony to the Sacagawea Americans have historically been resistant to dollar coins. But maybe it’s time to make it mandatory and get rid of the paper one-dollar bill. That’s what Canada did with its one-dollar coin informally dubbed the loonie over twenty years ago and now it’s in wide circulation. Perhaps the U. S. Mint could put Bill Clinton’s visage on a similar offering and create America’s own version of the loonie.

The $13 bill
This unlucky bill with its unlucky numeral is destined for limited circulation just like its honored president Richard Nixon. The back of the bill will have a representation of The Watergate Hotel and the front will feature Mr. Nixon with arms outspread above the quotation that says it all: "I am not a crook!"

The $66 bill
This might be a more fitting tribute for Ronald Reagan. After all, although Reagan purported to be a small-government, low-spending conservative, he reigned over the biggest spending orgy of his day resulting in a tripling of the national debt during his term in office. What better way to honor his memory than to issue a sixty-six-dollar bill representing the effective worth of a hundred dollars after his eight years as president.

The trillion-dollar bill
It’s unheard of to honor a sitting president with his face on a unit of currency. Then again, recently it was unheard of to incur a trillion-dollar deficit. Since President Obama has broken new budgetary ground, it’s only fitting that he should appear on this new bill. The back will be completely filled with all twelve zeroes of the bill’s denomination while the front will feature a portrait of Obama with the legend: "To boldly go where no president has gone before."

Eh? Canada

With millions unemployed and a soaring debt, last week’s Speech from the Throne zeroed in on one of Canada’s biggest problems by including a pledge to amend our national anthem to make it gender neutral. Although Prime Minister Harper later changed his mind, maybe it’s still time to give "O Canada" a major overhaul and make the whole song a truer reflection of who we are. Here’s the current unsatisfactory version:

O Canada!
Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

First, what’s with the "O"? Who says "O" any more? Let’s make it truly Canadian and change it to "Eh?"

"Our home"? Get serious. We don’t really own much of anything in our country. It’s more like we’re leasing it from the Americans, the Saudis and the Chinese. "Our rented home" would be a truer representation.

And "native land" is a bit misleading. Are we trying to say it’s our land or the natives’ land? Either way, the wording’s inaccurate. How about "once natives’ land"?

The next line seems to be the one causing Prime Minister Harper and his gang the most trouble. Self-styled longtime fighters against sexism, the Conservatives apparently want to change the word "sons" to something more inclusive.

But the entire line needs reworking. How many of us practice "true patriot love"? Isn’t it really more like a "convenient temporary allegiance"? And if "sons" is a problem, let’s just replace it with "folks."

If anything needs a change it’s "glowing hearts." What the heck is a glowing heart, anyway? I’m not sure but I do know a "heavy heart" when I see one. And if you haven’t noticed, Canada’s not "rising" except for our unemployment rate. "Sliding" would be more like it if you ask me.

I’m a little uncomfortable with "The True North" as well. "An American branch plant" seems more appropriate. After all, they’re the ones who keep us "strong and free."

The next line’s fine but as for standing on guard, I think that’s a bit strong. I’d prefer a more accurate sentiment like "we think mostly of me."

If "sons" is a problem, then "God" has to be changed, too. I’d turf the deity and go with a more innocuous, non-religious Canadian sentiment such as "Let’s keep our land clean and litter free."

Put it all together and you’ve got a new version of our national anthem, a non-sexist, non-deist, non-contentious version that we can all sing, if not with pride, at least with honesty:

Eh? Canada!
Our rented home, once natives’ land.
Convenient temporary allegiance in all our folks command.
With heavy hearts we see thee slide,
An American branch plant economy.
From far and wide,
Eh? Canada, we think mostly of me.
Let’s keep our land clean and litter free!
Eh? Canada, we think mostly of me.
Eh? Canada, we think mostly of me.

A Hands-down Winner

Sarah Palin has not ruled out a run for the presidency in 2012. Speaking on Fox News after her appearance at the National Tea Party Convention in Nashville, the former Alaska governor said she would run "...if I believed that that is the right thing to do for our country and for the Palin family."
But apparently there are a number of hurdles Ms. Palin must get over before achieving the Republican nomination two-and-a-half years from now. First and foremost is her unique and sometimes incomprehensible speaking style.
"With the necessity of putting ideas out there for the American people and all," said Palin. "It’s crucial that sense can be made of at least some of the talking points that I might be speaking at any given time."
Talking points turns out to be another area that Governor Palin recognizes that she needs to work on. She accepts that it is not going to be sufficient to simply continue referring to "death panels", "gotcha journalism" and "the media elites." To that end, Ms. Palin has reportedly embarked on a crash course covering everything from foreign policy to healthcare to how many branches there are in the U. S. federal government.
"I think my weeks of study have paid off big time," said Palin. "As you may recall, after that Tea Party thing, I was almost able to specifically identify which of Obama’s policies I thought were wrong. It’s only a matter of time before I nail at least a couple of ‘em."
Body language is another area the former vice presidential candidate is determined to improve. In particular, she wants to avoid excessive use of hand gestures when speaking.
"It’s not so much that I want to stop waving my hands around up there," said Palin. "It’s more that I don’t want to be exposing my talking points on the palms of my hands when I do."
Asked to comment on President Obama’s frequent use of a teleprompter, Palin was harshly critical.
"I think it shows a lack of intelligence and an absence of good, old-fashioned common sense," said Ms. Palin. "God gave us hands and we should use them, not only to emphasize the points one is making but also to have something to write those points on so’s not to forget them during a speech."
"I’ve got so many good ideas," said Palin. "That I just wish I had three hands so I could write them all down."
Asked if her lack of government experience would present an obstacle to a possible 2012 run, Ms. Palin dismissed that concern and glanced at her ink-stained right hand bearing the words "published author" on it.
"If I can get someone to write a bestselling book for me," she said. "Surely I can find someone to help me run Washington if I should win."

Bread And Circuses

In true bread and circuses fashion, Prime Minister Harper asked that Parliament be prorogued, in part, because he didn’t want Canadians to be distracted during the upcoming Winter Olympics. But since most of us can walk and chew gum at the same time, Mr. Harper may want to reconsider and reconvene Parliament in February so we can continue to also view Ottawa’s own political winter games featuring unique events like these:

hooky
It sounds like hockey but it’s not. It’s hooky, the ongoing sport of Canadian federal parliamentarians. Whether it’s skipping out on House debates, passing up committee hearings or proroguing Parliament to avoid working at all, members of all parties know how to play this game. If not doing one’s job were an Olympic sport, Canada’s legislators would be perennial gold medal winners.

speed talking
If there’s one thing Canadian parliamentarians excel at, it’s talking and our MPs are especially adept at speaking quickly and from both sides of their mouths. The very best can combine those skills while also avoiding any meaningful statements. Long-winded MPs tend to compete in the one-on-one long track event while those who specialize in quips, insults and putdowns prefer the more raucous short track event also known as Question Period.

snowjobbing
Whether it’s the half-truth, the coverup or the flat-out lie, parliamentary snowjobbers are skilled at a multitude of deceptive moves. Like snowboarders, snowjobbers manage to twist, slide and turn themselves inside out while still somehow maintaining their position. But snowjobbers do have one advantage over their outdoor counterparts: when the competition gets tough, they don’t bail; they just ask for a do-over which they call "proroguing it, dude ."

party jumping
Definitely the most dangerous of parliamentary sports, party jumping is politics performed without a net. Also known as floor crossing, this event symbolizes both the agony and the ecstasy of political sport. The successful party jumper can end up with a government gold medal known as a "cabinet position." But, as in ski jumping, if the competitor doesn’t hit the take off just right, his career may nosedive in one spectacular tumbling crash.

bicameral reform
Like the biathlon, bicameral reform involves two sports in one. Members of Parliament perform their ongoing legislative duties while at the same time suggesting various reforms to the Senate. Like the biathlon’s rifle-shooting skiers, it takes nerves of steel for MPs to stop legislating and intermittently propose any one of a dozen impossible changes to the Red Chamber. From the triple-E spouting participants to the outright abolitionists, it’s unlikely anyone will ever finish this race.

stooge
It sounds like the daring winter sledding event called the luge and the similarities are striking. Parliamentarians compete to see how fast they can take an economy already flat on its back completely downhill. Like lugers, stooges can’t see where they’re going or where they’ve been and can’t stop the downhill trend. Unlike their Olympic counterparts, however, they make sure they’re well rewarded no matter how poorly they perform.

whirling
Curling may be the roaring game but Parliamentary debates are the boring game as they go round and round and ultimately nowhere. With MPs trying to sweep issues under the rug and looking to empty the House, everyone wants to skip the current session and no one seems capable of taking the lead. If you think curling is an instant cure for insomnia, try an hour of whirling debates in the House of Commons for a truly remarkable soporific.

A Mickey Mouse Campaign

The new political tell-all book "Game Change" reveals a number of faux pas from the 2008 presidential campaign including racist remarks by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and anti-Bill comments by Hillary Clinton. But apparently there was even more to tell as shown by these further campaign revelations:

Sarah Palin
Unknown to most, the Republican vice presidential candidate is actually an intellectual autodidact and a top-flight foreign policy expert. Forced to play the dumb brunette, the former Alaska governor chafed under the "dumb it down" restrictions imposed by the McCain camp. "I would have liked nothing better than to fully explicate my vision for a tripartite American hegemony with Katie Couric," said Ms. Palin. "But I was told not to even admit to reading any magazines."

Barack Obama
Touted as the perfect embodiment of a post-racial America, it turns out that Barack Obama wasn’t perfect either. While on the hustings, candidate Obama repeatedly referred to his coterie of advisors as "my white-skinned Caucasian caucus" and mocked their tendency to speak like Harvard intellectuals. "I have since apologized to my team," said the President. "And informed them that, in fact, I think that they sound more like Mitt Romney."

John McCain
It turns out that the erratic and irascible behavior of the Republican presidential nominee was not a personal choice but instead was the result of age-related hormonal imbalances. "Believe me, at heart, I was still America’s biggest maverick," said the Arizona senator. "And not America’s biggest dick." To those who doubt this explanation, McCain points to his current dickish and obstructionist moves regarding healthcare and finance reform in the Senate.

Joe Biden
When asked about any additional previously unreported miscues from his 2008 vice presidential campaign, Joe Biden said: "Oh, yeah, there were plenty more screw-ups but Barack has asked me to zip my lip for now. I’m just going to stick to my current screw-ups for now."

Tiger Woods
One person who apparently does want to talk about his role in the 2008 presidential campaign is Tiger Woods. The world famous golfer, who has been noticeably reticent to talk about his extracurricular activities of late, was completely forthcoming about his political activities in the fall of 2008. "I’d like to be completely honest about my involvement in the presidential race," said Woods. "I had absolutely nothing to do with either campaign. Heck, I didn’t even vote."

Jay Leno
Talk show host Jay Leno points to errors by NBC executives during the 2008 campaign that damaged his career. "It wasn’t just the stupid decision to move me to the 10 P.M. time slot," said a disgruntled Leno. "It was also their insistence that I not sleep with my female staffers." To those who say he would be crazy to leave NBC, Leno repeatedly replies: "Crazy? Yeah, crazy like a FOX!"

Mickey Mouse
Everyone noted that the venerable Hollywood icon turned 80 during the last presidential campaign. But what the public didn’t see was a once proud star repeatedly embarrassed by the pejorative use of his name by both sides in the race. "I don’t think people know how much it hurt to have Democrats and Republicans alike refer to the other side’s tactics as Mickey Mouse," said the animated rodent. "Even my old pal Ronald Reagan didn’t have to put up with that kind of abuse."

Metaphorical Sports Advice

Tiger Woods is no doubt tired of hearing commentators making light of his situation by using every golf metaphor in the book. Instead, it might be a relief for the world’s greatest stickman to get some helpful advice from his famous colleagues in other sports:

Alex Rodriguez
Tiger, I feel for you, I really do. When all those rumors were swirling around about me and Madonna hitting for the cycle, I just about lost my mind. The best advice I can give you is to dig into the batter’s box, square your hips to the mound and, above all else, keep your eye on the ball. So long as your bat is ready, you can’t go wrong. But remember, even the best swinger only succeeds one out of three times. So if you find yourself striking out a lot, it just means you’re that much closer to hitting it out of the park or at least getting to third base.

Andre Agassi
It’s too bad you didn’t hang out more with Roger. Then you’d never be in trouble. But now that the damage is done, what do you do? I’d say let it ride, wait about ten years and then write a book. In the meantime, stop trying to score with aces every time. You need more of an all-around approach. That way people won’t suspect when you run around your backhand or try the occasional passing shot in a love game. But remember, if you approach the net too often, eventually you’re gonna get burned.

Joe Namath
Your big mistake, pal, was to get married. That’s the difference between a cheater and a ladies’ man. But now that you’re being blitzed by the media, here’s some friendly advice. Stay away from the sack. That doesn’t mean you have to stop making passes; it just means you have to be more discrete in your play calling. For example, try a screen play. Fake a throw to the outside, get the media leaning in that direction and then send a short, tight spiral right down the middle. Fools ‘em every time.

Michael Jordan
It’s part of the fame game, brother. The media has been hounding me with allegations of infidelity before I could even drive the lane. When they come at you with a full-court press, just deny them the ball; don’t admit anything. Then when you’re back at home drilling those three-pointers and hitting nothing but net, they’re none the wiser. Remember, though, in life, like basketball, there’s no such thing as a free throw. As always, ya gotta pay to play.

Wayne Gretzky
I feel your pain, man. I’ll never forget the media feeding frenzy when my wife Janet was involved in those gambling allegations. If you find that you’re occasionally on thin ice, make sure you have a wingman. Then you just pass the puck to the other guy and you’re in the clear. But if no one’s on your tail, take the breakaway and always shoot for the five hole. When all else fails, just remember the basics: keep your stick on the ice and your helmet strapped on.

Health Care Reform, The Series

It’s official. Conan O’Brien is leaving NBC and Jay Leno will be reclaiming The Tonight Show in March. For the last two weeks in February, the network will fill the vacated 10 P.M. time slot with the Winter Olympics. But after that, it’s unclear what show will take over although rumor has it that it may be one of the following candidates:

The Conan O’Brien Show
Looking to mitigate the $32 million severance payment to Conan O’Brien, the executive geniuses at NBC have come up with an almost unique solution. They’re going to offer the carrot-topped comedian a one-hour, prime time talk show with the promise that he’ll eventually host The Tonight Show when Jay Leno leaves or hell freezes over, whichever comes first. Asked to comment on how this show will differ from the failed Jay Leno Show, NBC President Jeff Zucker said: "It won’t but at least we’ll get some of that $32 million back."

Infomercials
Long a staple of late night television, it looks like infomercials may finally crack the prime time lineup. Whether it’s a pitch for food dehydrators, juicers or cooking grills, one-hour product commercials present a tempting revenue stream for cash-strapped NBC. Production costs for the network are zero and program revenues could help offset severance payments that will likely arise from future screw-ups by network executives. "I see it as a win-win situation," said Jeff Zucker. "Hey, who knows, we may even be able to sell off the set from The Jay Leno Show and unused characters from Conan’s old show like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the Masturbating Bear.

Executive Survivor
Looking to ride the reality TV trend into the ground, NBC is reportedly considering a new offering called Executive Survivor. Current NBC execs and a group of executive wannabes compete in teams to see who will survive to run American’s fourth place network. Elimination competitions will include "Identifying possible prime time shows", "Interpreting Nielsen ratings" and "Spotting the obvious." One major advantage of this option is that so long as the show is in production, there will be no executives at NBC headquarters to screw things up even worse.

The Today Show Primetime
That’s right; The Today Show will be moved to 10 o’clock. NBC executives admit that moving Jay Leno to that hour was a mistake but they’re not giving up on the concept of massive schedule shuffling. "Rethinking the demographics and our viewer survey results suggests folks want Meredith Vieira, Matt Lauer and Al Roker on at night," said Jeff Zucker. "And if that works out, maybe we’ll just extend The Today Show to run 24/7."

Health Care Reform
One possibility is that NBC will go back to producing successful medical drama series like ER and St. Elsewhere in the 10 P.M. time slot. Shooting has already reportedly started on the new political-medical drama Health Care Reform. Shot on location in Washington, D. C., the series features members of Congress, healthcare industry lobbyists and a frustrated President engaged in an ongoing but ultimately fruitless search for meaningful reform of America’s ailing health care system. The plot lines are apparently endless since, as Jeff Zucker says: "Let’s face it; these guys screw things up even worse than we do."

The Yesternight Show

"The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show."
- Conan O’Brien - January 12, 2010

The nation is in crisis. I’m not talking about the tanking economy, the two ongoing wars and the current intelligence failures. They are no doubt important. But what is far more important is the terrifying uncertainty surrounding late night television in America.

Yes, Conan has a point. After all, if a show starts at five minutes after midnight, it can’t rightly be called the Tonight Show. It could be called Late Night or the Late Show or even the Late Late Show but it’s definitely no longer Tonight.

It could be called the Today Show but that would threaten almost the entirety of NBC’s morning schedule. It might be dubbed the Tomorrow Show although I believe that used to be Tom Snyder’s venue.

It could be called the Not Tonight Show since, as previously noted, it is no longer Tonight. Perhaps it could even be called the Yesterday Show since although it is now Today, the show really wants to be on Last Night which, in fact, was Yesterday.

But Yesterday suggests a non-nighttime event, something that happens during the day. To be more accurate, it would be better to coin a new name. It’s not tonight but it would like to be tonight. It’s the Yesternight Show.

As you can see, it’s not easy being a TV executive. It requires the wisdom of Saul, the patience of Job and the intelligence of the average television viewer. Difficult decisions are constantly facing these folks and they must walk a fine line in their attempts to retain as much top talent as they can.

Speaking of the wisdom of Saul, perhaps there is a simple solution to this national tragedy-in-the-making. Like Saul’s suggestion to the two women fighting over the baby, I submit that the NBC execs simply split the difference.

Jay Leno would start at 11:35 P. M. as proposed and, instead of a half hour show, he would present a fifteen minute monologue. Then Conan would come on at 11:50 P. M. thereby preserving the "tonightness" of the Tonight Show.

Once Conan’s one-hour show wrapped up at 12:50 A. M., Jay would return to finish up his designated half hour with a second fifteen-minute segment. At that point, I suspect that it wouldn’t really matter what time Jimmy Fallon came on.

"Crazy?" you might say. Crazy, yes. Crazy like a FOX.

Two Poems For Wall Street

Found posted on a lamppost on Wall Street

"FIRST THEY BAILED OUT"

In America, first they bailed out the hedge funds,
But I didn’t speak up because I was not highly leveraged;
And then they bailed out the bankers,
But I didn’t ask for anything because I was not a banker;
And then they bailed out the insurers,
But again I did not speak up because I was not an insurer;
And then they bailed out the auto companies,
But I did not complain because I was not part of the Big Three;
And then they came to bail out me,
But by then there was nothing left to give.

Found on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, December 2008

"DIVERSIFICATA"

Go placidly amid the fallen equities and waste,
and remember what growth you may have achieved before the crash.

As far as possible, having surrendered,
bear no ill will to any brokers.
Declare your capital losses quietly and clearly;
and do not listen to others,
even the gurus and financial advisors;
for they no longer have their portfolios.
Avoid loud and aggressive TV commentators;
they are vexatious to your personal worth.

If you compare your portfolio with others,
you may become sad or bitter,
for always there will be greater and better performers than yours.
Enjoy your remaining capital as well as your meager dividends.
Keep invested in your IRA, however humble;
it is a real albeit declining possession in the failing markets of today.

Exercise caution in high tech and real estate,
for the world is full of devious advisors.
But let not this blind you to what secure investments there are;
many persons strive for high yields
but be satisfied with low single-digit returns.
Be yourself. Especially do not invest offshore.
Neither be cynical about bonds,
for in the face of volatility and change
they are as dependable as the dawn.

Take kindly the three percent growth of the term deposit,
gracefully surrendering the double-digit losses of yesterday.
Nurture a cash position to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with thoughts of deflation.
Many fears are born of investor fatigue and deficits.

Beyond a strict financial plan,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the economy
no less than the bankers and the auto makers;
you have a duty to invest.
And whether or not it is profitable to you,
no doubt the markets are unfolding as they should.

Therefore, be at peace with Greenspan,
whatever you conceived Him to be.
And whatever your investment losses
in the noisy confusion of finance,
keep bonds in your portfolio.

With all its Madoffs, Lehman Brothers and AIGs;
it is still a beautiful market.
Be patient. Strive to be conservatively invested.

Hoisted By Their Own Petards

The genesis of the ongoing Tiger Woods scandal was an apparent, somewhat ironic use of a golf club by his wife Elin Nordegren to inflict damage on Tiger’s Cadillac Escalade. But some recent shallow scholarship has revealed that this is not the first time that a celebrity has been attacked with the tools of his own trade.

Dimaggio-Monroe
Legend has it that the short-lived marriage between Marilyn Monroe and the Yankee Clipper was a tempestuous affair. Although difficult to confirm, it is believed that one major blowup culminated with Ms. Monroe swinging for the Yankee’s head with a 34-ounce Lou Gehrig model Louisville Slugger lightly tarred near the handle. Luckily for Joltin’ Joe, the only damage was a broken coffee carafe and a slightly bruised ego.

Gretzky-Jones
Some unreliable sources report that when hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky confronted his wife about her alleged gambling infractions a few years ago, she went ballistic. If seldom reliable reports are true, Ms. Jones’s weapon of choice was an Easton aluminum hockey stick with a slightly curved blade and an unusually low lie. The only reported victims were some glassware and an autographed Edmonton Oilers souvenir plate from the team’s 1984 Stanley Cup-winning season.

Beckham-Spice
Five years ago, rumors of marital infidelity swirled around British soccer star David Beckham. Although Mr. Beckham dismissed the rumors as "ludicrous", his wife Victoria Beckham was not so easily mollified. The former Spice Girl apparently flew into a blind rage and started pummelling her fleet-footed footballer husband with a trio of Adidas +Teamgeist model soccer balls. Despite his advancing years, Mr. Beckham was reportedly still agile enough to dodge two shots and head the third one harmlessly away.

Roth-Bloom
Perhaps the most notorious literary marriage of the late 20th century, the Roth-Bloom coupling was awash in deceit, lies and infidelity. The details of that ill-fated romance are set out in Claire Bloom’s memoir "Leaving a Doll’s House." What the actress didn’t reveal, however, was that she, too, used Philip Roth’s own tools against him. Insiders report that Mr. Roth more than once showed up at a local hospital with superficial wounds inflicted by everything from an HB pencil to an IBM Selectric. Some say that his medical records also reveal psychological injuries no doubt caused by his enraged spouse’s excessive use of double entendres, mixed metaphors and dangling participles.

Napoléon-Joséphine
The storied love between the Emperor Napoléon and his Empress Joséphine lives on in legend even today. But what is not so well known is how Joséphine reacted to her husband’s frequent dalliances with other women. Given his small stature, it has been reported that the empress’s favorite method of revenge was to push the tiny emperor over, hold him down with his right hand lodged inside his vest and inflict a painful series of noogies, wedgies and Indian burns.

Zeus-Hera
Known as a jealous and spiteful wife, Hera took many actions to thwart Zeus’s extramarital activities. What isn’t so widely known, however, is the manner in which she took revenge on her wayward hubby in the privacy of their own digs atop Mount Olympus. In ancient Greek times, the rumblings emanating from that fabled mountaintop were thought to be Hera’s use of Zeus’s own lightning and thunderbolts to keep him in line. Indeed, a closer examination of statues of the former Hellenic deity reveal light burn and singe marks throughout his ample beard.

Tiger's Albatross

To date, Tiger Woods has not made a full disclosure about his alleged indiscretions. However, the following discarded first draft of a public apology obtained from seldom reliable sources suggests that one may be forthcoming soon:

Although I originally asked that all this be treated as a private matter, I now realize that I owe my fans an explanation. I consider that to be a fair way to deal with my situation.

As long as I can remember, golf has been my life. No matter how rough the path or how tough the lie, I have always tried to shoot straight and avoid the bunkers.

It is with that attitude that I address you today. While it is true that I recently landed in a few traps, I assumed that I could scramble and avoid further hazards.

I now have to admit to ending up with an unplayable lie. Given that unfortunate occurrence, I was hoping to be granted a relief or at least be allowed to simply play through.

I recognize that what I have done may have been out of bounds. All I can say is that I hope you can forgive me and gimmie a free drop.

I acknowledge that I have let you the fans down. I had a reputation to uphold and I clearly did not read the green properly. Despite my penchant for the double D and holing out, I should have kept my putter true and left my ball at home.

Although I am famous for my long game, especially on the back nine, that’s no excuse for not adopting an open stance. Yes, I like my tip stiffness on the harder side and I can usually be counted on for a spectacular woodie or two each round. But just because someone has an itch doesn’t mean he should scratch it.

I think you’ll agree that I’m known for coming up big when there’s a trouble shot. Whether it’s nailing a wind cheater off the tee or holing a snake from sixty yards, I’ve never been known as a sand bagger.

So these latest accusations sting like a triple bogey on the first hole of a playoff. But please forgive me and I promise that, from now on, I’ll keep my wood on the course and my balls in my bag.

Enquirer Seeks Bailout

In a late breaking development in the ongoing Tiger Woods scandal, "The National Enquirer" has asked for a federal bailout.

"We’ve held off going hat in hand to the government as long as we could," said Managing Editor Frank Lee Prurient. "But we’ve kind of hit the wall on this Tiger Woods thing."

Apparently The Enquirer is not rolling in dough as many thought. Taking on the investigative duties formerly performed by the mainstream media has inflicted a heavy financial toll.

The Tiger Woods story appears to be the straw that broke the tabloid’s fiscal back. Although the initial disclosures did not cause too much of a burden on the paper, the escalating stream of revelations has threatened its ongoing viability.

"Look," said Prurient. "We can handle two, three, maybe even four or five mistresses coming forward. But once we get past half a dozen bimbo eruptions, it’s a real strain on our bottom line."

Luckily for The Enquirer, the federal government recently announced that not all of the huge bank bailout fund will need to be used. That leaves $200 billion or more available for public works, job creation and support for other industries in financial peril.

"I think we qualify on all three counts," said Prurient. "All we need is one or two hundred million dollars," said the managing editor. "That’s a drop in the bucket for the government’s TARP program but it would work miracles for us. Let’s face it; when you’re trying to track down the sexual partners of a billionaire like Tiger Woods, you need all the cash you can get."

President Obama has not commented yet on The Enquirer’s request but is reportedly cool to the idea. An unidentified White House spokesperson has instead suggested some of the bailout money be spent on identifying women who have not slept with Tiger Woods.

"In the long run, we think it would be a wiser allocation of government funds," said the anonymous source. "After all, it’s bound to cost a lot less to find out who hasn’t slept with Mr. Woods than to find out who has."

What's Next For Oprah?

Let’s have some fun and try completing this sentence: "Oprah ends her talk show in 2011 and decides instead to....."

* Groom Sarah Palin as her talk show host replacement, the new show to be called "Simply Sarah."
* Take on Dave, Jay, Conan, et al. with the first late night talk show hosted by a woman since Joan Rivers’s ill-fated, short-lived run with "The Late Show" on Fox in 1986.
* Challenge Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and T. Boone Pickens to a high-stakes, winner-take-all poker game for financial domination of the free world.
* Open her own bookstore called Oprah’s Book Club.
* Buy Amazon.com and call it OprahsBookClub.com.
* Spend more time with her family.
* Adopt a third-world orphan and give him or her a new life.
* Adopt a small, third-world country and develop it into a member of the G20.
* Eat anything she damn well pleases for the next twenty years.
* Build her own theater in Vegas and perform two shows nightly with added weekend matinees until Celine Dion cries "Uncle!"
* Buy the Chicago Cubs and get them into the World Series.
* Establish a seniors’ home for retired (or should-be-retired) daytime talk show hosts like Phil Donahue, Jerry Springer and Montel Williams.
* Take as much time as necessary to get Stedman to stop calling himself a consultant and get a real job.
* Start calling herself Ms. Winfrey again.
* Replace Joe Biden as the Vice Presidential candidate on Barack Obama’s ticket for 2012.
* Replace Barack Obama on the 2012 ticket.

Pardoned Turkey Kills Again

Just when they thought things couldn’t get any worse, White House officials learned that this year’s pardoned Thanksgiving turkey has gone on a nationwide killing spree.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs was tightlipped and circumspect in announcing the tragic events. This year’s pardoned poultry, a 45-pound bird named Courage, apparently escaped from Big Thunder Ranch in Disneyland’s Frontierland where he ended up after his stint as grand marshal of Disneyland’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

"The White House regrets to announce that the turkey pardoned by President Obama on Wednesday has killed upwards of six people in southern California," said Mr. Gibbs. "And there are reports that he may have injured dozens more."

Investigations have revealed that Courage (a.k.a. Salmonella Sam) was known to authorities for some time as a vicious spreader of various bacteria. Apparently it is not just undercooked turkeys who are a threat to the American people.

"Live turkeys are even more dangerous," said FDA spokesperson Harold Haroldson. "If they manage to sneak into your home, they can spread bacteria without you even knowing it."

The FBI has issued an all-points bulletin asking citizens to be on the lookout for a rather large, white, feathered turkey who is unarmed yet considered to be very dangerous. According to authorities, the bird is not a flight risk although he can flap his wings and travel at speeds of upwards of three miles an hour.

The White House hopes to have the wayward bird back in captivity soon although the President has apparently not yet decided if it will be returned to Big Thunder Ranch or will instead serve as next year’s Thanksgiving dinner at Guantanamo Bay.

Whatever course of action the President ultimately chooses, it looks like Joe Biden has already decided to take matters into his own hands. The Vice President was reportedly last seen on Air Force Two heading east to Istanbul declaring that, unlike the Bush Administration, "this White House has no intention of pardoning Turkey."

The Palin Book Flu

As America continues to battle the spread of the swine flu, it is now facing a new threat: the Palin book flu. Until recently, this novel virus was thought to have been contained and to be relatively mild. But thanks to an unscrupulous publisher, the Palin bug has now been released in the thousands and appears to be spreading rapidly across the country.

The Palin book flu is classified as a member of the political memoir family of viruses. In many respects, it resembles other members of that viral family in that it contains innocuous biographical information. However, it appears to be much more virulent than other such viruses in that it contains large doses of innuendo and character assassination.

The Palin book flu also differs in who and how it infects. Unlike other political memoirs, its readers often comprise the young, the politically naive and others lacking a fully-formed populist bafflegab immune system.

Most political memoirs are released into the general population in December in anticipation of pre-Christmas seasonal sales. The Palin book flu, on the other hand, started appearing much earlier in mid-November which makes it difficult for authorities to take measures to halt its spread.

The Palin book flu also differs from other literary bugs in the pattern of its transmission. Normally new literary creations appear first in major centers like New York and Los Angeles and spread out from there. The Palin book flu’s epidemiological pattern seems to be counterintuitive with most reported cases showing up in Middle America.

In fact, political epidemiologists have labelled this new bug a so-called rogue virus. Its geographical pattern seems to be entirely unpredictable with outbreaks being reported in such centers as Fort Wayne, Grand Rapids, Columbus and a dozen other swing state cities.

Some high profile individuals have already been hit with this new flu and report that its effects are nasty and long lasting. Former presidential candidate John McCain, for one, is still feeling the effects of the Palin book flu and may never fully recover. Broadcast journalist Katie Couric is another flu victim who is reportedly still suffering from aftereffects such as a bruised ego and falling ratings.

Sarah Palin, the creator of the eponymous bug, has shown no remorse for the damage it has inflicted on the country. In fact, she has actively promoted and encouraged the spread of the dangerous book by enlisting such TV personalities as Oprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters.

The White House has reportedly taken active steps to halt or at least slow the spread of the Palin book virus. Although officials are not overly concerned about its immediate effect on the population, they are apparently worried about its long term effects. As it is currently constituted, the virus is not too dangerous but it could easily mutate and add presidential aspirations to its genetic makeup.

To this end, the federal government has begun identifying the virus and developing a vaccine. Usually a flu vaccine is created from a dead version of the virus which is used to stimulate one’s immune response. In this case, however, it is believed that a novel approach must be adopted and that, in order to be truly effective, the vaccine must contain a judicious mix of fact, policy and historical knowledge. It is hoped that such a mixture will protect readers from a full-blown infection before the fall of 2012 at the very latest.

A Dobbsian World View

It’s official; longtime CNN anchor Lou Dobbs has resigned. The controversial host of "Lou Dobbs Tonight" reportedly felt constrained by his network’s policy of neutrality and impartiality.

"I tried to call things as I saw them," said Dobbs. "Like illegal immigration and foreign-born presidents. But I was always having to ratchet back my true feelings on the issues of the day."

CNN had reportedly urged Mr. Dobbs to moderate his opinions but the popular host apparently chafed under those restrictions. Now, however, he will be free to give full voice to his views on all manner of topics.

"Sure, I came down hard on illegal immigration," the former host said. "But I could only tell half the story. It turns out that illegal Hispanics are not the worst of it. When you really examine the issue of illegal aliens, it’s hard not to avoid the indisputable fact that most of them are true aliens coming from other solar systems."

Pressed to provide further details, Dobbs at first said that he would wait to expand and expound on these new controversial views when he had assumed a new hosting position. In the end, however, he couldn’t resist.

"Let’s just say that true illegal aliens are even trickier and more troubling than those folks sneaking over our southern border," said the former financial reporter. "And once I have nailed down a new TV host position, I’ll be able to discuss the matter in more detail."

Although Dobbs wouldn’t say too much, it appears that he sees more trouble on the horizon for America.

"A lot of folks dismiss the Birther movement," said Dobbs. "But I think there’s a lot more to it than meets the eye. If you check into the president’s history, you can’t even find a birth record for him from Kenya. And when you hear the name Barack Obama, it’s hard to place it in any country on this planet. I don’t know what kind of records they keep in the Alpha Centauri star system but I wouldn’t be surprised to find Barack Obama filed right between Banik Oaruma and Bornak Ozckx."

Without giving too much away, Mr. Dobbs hinted that he’s also prepared to demonstrate how John Kerry’s Swift Boat Navy service gave rise to global warming which in turn has secretly necessitated the implementation of death panels.

"It’s not like I’m finding a conspiracy under every rock," said Dobbs. "But I wouldn’t be surprised to find something under every second or third rock."

As for a potential new anchor position for the populist porcine pundit, his initial optimism about landing a new gig may be misplaced. "Yes we’ve had an enquiry," said Fox News’s Glenn Beck. "And we think the world of Lou but, let’s face it, he’s too nutty even for us."

White House Trick-or-treaters

It’s Halloween and that means American homes from coast to coast will be visited by scary costumed trick-or-treaters. And that includes the nation’s First Residence: The White House. Here are some of the frightening visitors President Obama can expect this Saturday night.

The Clintons
Hillary drops by to remind Obama what he can expect in 2012 if he doesn’t give her some more treats. She’s not saying she’ll run against him in three years’ time but she’s not saying she won’t either. But if Hillary doesn’t get what she wants, she may just unleash her sidekick Scary Bill.

The Birthers
They’re back and they’re scarier than ever. They’re the Birthers and now they’ve got a whole new crazy story about Obama’s non-American origins. It turns out that he was really born in the Panama Canal Zone as the love child of Che Guevara and former Black Panther Angela Davis.

Joe Biden
He looks friendly and harmless but once he opens his mouth, he can scare the bejesus out of the president. Dressed as a loose canon, Joe Biden also has loose shoes, loose lips and a loose tongue.

Nobel Peace Prize
It hasn’t gone away and it’s even creepier than before. Now the prize is showing up to remind Obama that he has to come to Oslo in December to accept an award that he’s done little to deserve. Like an albatross hanging around his neck, it looks like this prize will haunt him for years.

Sgt. Joseph Crowley
Recently transferred from the Boston police force, Sgt. Crowley pays a Halloween visit to The White House after receiving an anonymous report of a scary black man trying to break in. Hopefully the president won’t protest or he might be charged with GWB - governing while black.

The Public Option
Just when the president thought it had died, the Public Option is back and it’s as frightening as ever with its scary threats of government involvement and universal access. If Obama can’t drive a stake through its Medicare-shaped heart, the Public Option may kill healthcare reform forever.

Sarah Palin
This year, the former Alaska governor is wearing a new scary costume; she’s coming as a Death Panel. In a frightening ironic twist for Obama, the more he attacks Ms. Palin with facts and logic, the stronger she becomes.

The Campaign Promises
This group of Halloween visitors is the president’s worst nightmare. Whether it’s Healthcare Reform; Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; or The Iraq War, their appearance is a scary reminder of goals unmet. If this gang of trick-or-treaters keeps coming back, Obama may have to find a new residence in three years.

Glenn Beck
Dressed as the Race Card, Glenn Beck drops by to accuse Obama of hating white people. Although the president might protest that the only white person he hates is Glenn Beck, Mr. Beck won’t let truth and rationality defeat his scary demagoguery.

The American Voter
Possibly the scariest visitor to The White House, the American Voter is as crazy and unpredictable as an Oxycontin-fueled, right-wing radio talk show host. One minute he wants change and the next minute he doesn’t. Frightening as it is to consider, this spooky character twice elected George W. Bush.