Washington Valentines 2009

It’s Valentine’s Day and millions of folks will be giving one another cards, including America’s political leaders. Here’s a sneak peek at some of this year’s offerings:

Rod Blagojevich to Oprah Winfrey
They say I’m really guilty,
They say I’ve been impeached.
I wish that I had offered you,
That vacant Senate seat.
Visit me in jail, Valentine?

Dick Cheney to George W. Bush
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
From the no-bid contracts
To the unencumbered power,
You gave me eight wonderful years
I never would have known.
I’m glad we picked you in 2000, Valentine.

George W. Bush to Barack Obama
Sorry ‘bout the national debt,
Afghanistan, Iraq.
But now they all belong to you,
And I won’t take then back.
Thanks new guy Valentine.

Barack Obama to Joe Biden
I really, really like you,
You are my special friend.
But if you won’t shut up dear Joe,
Our friendship’s at an end.
Please be my quiet Valentine.

Sarah Palin to John McCain
Roses are red,
The campaign is through.
The next time I run,
It’ll be without you.
You betcha, Valentine!

John Edwards to Elizabeth Edwards
I’m sorry that I cheated,
And for my indiscretions.
At least I always wait until
Your cancer’s in remission.
Sorry about that, Valentine.

Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama
I wanted to be President,
But I lost and that is sad.
But despite what Bill is saying,
Secretary’s not so bad.
See you in 2012, Valentine.

Bill Clinton to Hillary Clinton
My luve’s like a White, White House
That’s vacant in four years.
My luve’s like a yearning
That’s still unmet, I fear.
If fair thou art, my darling wife
You’ll surely let me try
To help you win the Presidency
And be the first First Guy.
Please be my co-executive Valentine.

Rampaging Stimulus Package

In the first major test of his presidency, Barack Obama was today faced with the aftermath of a giant stimulus package that has decimated the American heartland. In an evening television broadcast, the President addressed the nation:

It is with a heavy heart that I speak to you tonight in the wake of this terrible tragedy. It appears that the financial stimulus package that I helped to create has mutated into a dangerous creature that has devastated all areas of the country.

Reports are still streaming in but it is now clear that no region has been untouched by this giant financial instrument. Banks in every corner of our land have reportedly gorged themselves on the package’s unrestricted lending provisions, leaving them so bloated that they are unable to issue credit to ordinary Americans.

This terrible monster has also affected virtually every state in the Union with its unexpected add-ons, earmarks and pork barrel grants. Instead of issuing funds to stimulate the economy, this horrible creature has dumped untold billions of dollars on useless projects wherever federal legislators reside.

When I first introduced the package to the Congress, I assure you that it was a benign creature whose only intention was to boost the economy in a fair and non-partisan fashion. But unfortunately, by the time it had travelled from the House to the Senate and back, it had somehow grown to a gigantic, unwieldy, mutated hodge-podge of patronage spending.

Once the creature reached my desk for signature, I have to admit that I was afraid to challenge it. Given its width, breadth and strength, I knew a mere veto would not have been enough to strike it down.

Frankly, I feared for the consequences. Yet I hoped against hope that if I released this monster into the land, at least some good would come of its myriad provisions. Now I know I was wrong.
My fellow Americans, there is little we can do now to halt the destructive path of this financial monster. Sadly, we have no choice but to let it do its worst and eventually it will deplete itself and fade away. But until it does, we must quickly take measures to repair the damage done by creating a new, better, more efficient stimulus package.

I urge you and Congress to work with me to try once more to give away more billions to help truly heal our financially troubled nation. With your help, maybe - just maybe - we can get it right this time. After all, as they say, third time’s a charm.

Vice Presidential Jeopardy

After the recent Presidential Inauguration, we all know what happens to the political winners. But what of the losers? Where do they go? Apparently some end up on a politically-themed edition of the quiz show Jeopardy:

ALEX TREBEK: Hello and welcome to a special Vice Presidential losers edition of Jeopardy. All week, you know that we’ve pitted different unsuccessful Vice Presidential candidates against each other in several hard-fought elimination rounds. Some of the candidates like Bob Dole and Jack Kemp failed to advance likely due to creeping senility. Others like Joe Lieberman and Geraldine Ferraro played great games but ultimately fell short. And some like Walter Mondale and Edmund Muskie were less successful probably due to the fact that they’re dead. All of that to say our three remaining contestants in the championship round are Sarah Palin, John Edwards and Dan Quayle. Sarah, the first selection goes to you.
SARAH PALIN: You betcha, Alex. I’ll take "Swords" for $100.
ALEX TREBEK: That’s "S-words", Sarah. Anyway, the answer is: "One of two directional indicators that forms the first word in the name of two U. S. states." Sarah?
SARAH PALIN: What is "down", Alex?
ALEX TREBEK: No, I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Dan Quayle?
DAN QUAYLE: What is "west"?
ALEX TREBEK: No, that’s not right. John?
JOHN EDWARDS: As a former two-term senator and longtime resident of the great state of North Carolina, I’d like to say: "What is "south", Alex?" And, by the way, Rielle Hunter’s baby is not mine.
ALEX TREBEK: That is correct and please phrase your answer in the form of a question and refrain from extraneous political asides. John, you have control of the board.
JOHN EDWARDS: Alex, I’ll take "Alaska" for $300.
ALEX TREBEK: OK, the answer is: "This country has a contiguous land border with Alaska." I believe Sarah buzzed in first.
SARAH PALIN: "What is Russia with Putin rearing his head over the horizon and all?"
ALEX TREBEK: No, that’s wrong. Dan?
DAN QUAYLE: I’ll take "Different spellings of potato" for $200, Alex.
ALEX TREBEK: No, Dan. You were supposed to provide a question for the last....oh, never mind. John?
JOHN EDWARDS: Seriously, like Michael Jackson said, the kid is not my son. I don’t even know anyone named Rielle.
ALEX TREBEK: No, no, no. The correct response, if anyone cares, is " What is Canada?" Before we do any more damage, I’m going to stop this contest, declare John Edwards the winner with a grand total of $100 and pour myself a tumbler full of Scotch. Good night.

An Obama Hosanna

Inauguration Day is over but America still hasn’t recovered from the Obama investiture. From the array of celebrity sightings to the wealth of reported miracles, observers agree that this was the greatest presidential inauguration ceremony since Millard Fillmore took the oath of office on July 10, 1850 after Zachary Taylor kicked the bucket.

For days before the inaugural, Washington was wall-to-wall celebrities. Everyone who is anyone was there - Hollywood stars, political bigwigs and the remaining captains of industry. From Alan Alda to Pia Zadora, the rich and famous flocked to the nation’s capital to catch a glimpse of history in the making.

And no one was disappointed. Although the newly inducted 44th president denied that anything special happened, reports from hundreds of people who were there strongly suggest otherwise.
"It was truly astonishing," said pint-sized, D-lister Gary Coleman. "I was standing there with a million other people for hours without so much as a Tic-Tac to eat. And then Obama shows up, someone passes him a couple of loaves of bread and two or three fish and the next thing you know we’ve all got a Filet-O-Fish sandwich. I’m not one to throw words around casually but that was an honest-to-God miracle"

If other reports can be believed, the feeding of the masses was the least of the miracles that occurred that day. Warren Buffet, for one, had to be briefly hospitalized after viewing the most miraculous event of his lengthy and event-filled life.

"It’s not something I would have believed unless I had been there," said the elderly uber-investor. "But I swear it’s true. It was a Tuesday and the Dow opened down fifty points and eventually closed down almost 200 points. But for a few minutes after Obama was sworn in, the Dow jumped a thousand points. Others claim it didn’t happen but I saw the big board and it was truly amazing."

But the most amazing miracle of all occurred just as Barack Obama took the oath of office. More than one attendee swears that as the new president spoke the final words of the oath, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King and Jesus Christ appeared beside him on the podium.

"I recognized the first two guys," said inaugural invocation presenter Pastor Rick Warren. "But that third guy didn’t look like Jesus at all. After all, he was black and kind of effeminate."

Obama Flubs Oath

In a surprising and unexpected development, President-elect Barack Obama flubbed the oath of office on Tuesday and has now inadvertently become the Prime Minister of Canada.

"I thought I knew that darned thing by heart," said Obama. "But then Chief Justice Roberts started playing around with the words and I just got confused.

Justice Roberts not only transposed the word "faithfully" to follow the words "the United States", he also referred to the office of the President "to" the United States rather than "of" the United States.

"All that to say," said Obama. "I wasn’t sure where he was going with the oath and I have to admit that I mixed up some of the words."

The video of the ceremony clearly shows the putative 44th president of the United States actually swearing to execute the office of president of "the number two country next to the United States."

"In all fairness, I guess that does make me President or Prime Minister or something of Canada," said Obama. "Either that or I’m now the Emperor of Mexico. I’m not quite sure which."

Unconfirmed sources report that Chief Justice Roberts’s miscues in administering the oath were not accidental. Apparently outgoing President George W. Bush put him up to it.

Reached at his new home in Dallas, former President Bush initially denied the reports but couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

"OK, OK," said Bush. "I admit it. That Barry guy was so full of himself, I figured it would do him some good if we took him down a peg or two and played a practical joke on him."

Bush and Roberts cooked up their scheme just before last week’s rehearsal. Bush convinced the Chief Justice to go along with the joke and reminded him that no matter what happened, he couldn’t get fired.

"It’s not like he could get sent to the principal’s office or anything," said Bush. "I told Justy that this one was a slam dunk."

Asked why he decided to execute such an elaborate prank, Bush said that it was a matter of tradition.

"I think if you look back in history," said Bush. "You’ll see that every outgoing president does something funny to the new guy. For example, that hound dog Bill Clinton left a stained dress in the Oval Office closet and I hear that Herbert Hoover jimmied the hand brake on Franklin Roosevelt’s wheelchair. "

"It’s all in good fun," said Bush. "Plus, I wanted Barry to see how easy it is to make a mistake when you’re the President. Now he’ll see it’s not so easy being me. Mind you, he still has a way to go to top my record."

W's Diary

W’s Diary - January 20, 2009:

6:00 A.M.
Woke up. Worked out. Went for a quick jog. Another great day as the leader of the free world.
6:30 A.M.
Had breakfast with Laura - eggs Benedict, croissants and some of that delightful Malaysian coffee. Tired of pretending to like flapjacks, pork rinds and chitlins, whatever the heck they are.
7:30 A.M.
Met with staff in Oval Office to ensure everything ready for today’s Inauguration. Don’t want any slipups in ceremony. Called Chief Justice Roberts to make sure he knows the drill.
8:30 A.M.
Phoned those seeking pardons and assured them there’s no rush. Karl seemed a bit agitated but eventually accepted my guarantee that things have been taken care of.
9:30 A.M.
Phoned Dick Cheney and double-checked that Barack Obama still being held at Guantanamo. Chuckled again at the look of surprise on his face yesterday when we enforced Supreme Court order to have him "detained." Funny thing is, the Clintons don’t seem that upset.
10:30 A.M.
Checked with staff that Supreme Court nullified 22nd Amendment just for today. Court agreed everything back to normal tomorrow and that this is only a temporary measure to ensure the terrorists don’t win.
11:30 A.M.
Headed out to the U. S. Capitol for Inauguration ceremony. Thank God I don’t have to retire to that godawful hell-hole of a ranch in Crawford. People don’t appreciate the things I have to do to keep up appearances.
12 Noon
Chief Justice Roberts administered oath of office. Had to help him out with the words. Small price to pay for not appointing eggheads to the bench. Luckily, I now know the oath by heart.
2:30 P.M.
Back at White House. Democracy restored to America. Felt pretty good.
3:30 P.M.
Made tax cuts for the rich permanent and planned for next unilateral invasion of middle eastern country with no weapons of mass destruction.
5:30 P.M.
Had early dinner with Laura. Cancelled Inaugural Ball as symbolic austerity measure in view of widespread suffering among middle class. Let them eat cake, ha ha!
8:30 P.M.
Lights out. Lots of important work to do to keep the world safe for democracy tomorrow. God bless America.

Capitalism's Obituary

WESTERN CAPITALISM: Dead at approx. 300

Western "Free Market" Capitalism died suddenly on December 31st after a brief illness. Mr. Capitalism expired at home on Wall Street surrounded by his immediate family including investors, shareholders and several unsecured debenture owners.

Born sometime in the early 1700s in northern England, Capitalism was nurtured by the Nobility and the Enclosures and embraced by both Entrepreneurs and Industrialists. Thanks to Capitalization and Limited Liability Corporations, Capitalism grew rapidly and achieved great success not only in England but throughout the western world. A lifelong believer in free markets and class exploitation, he was able to employ billions of impoverished workers while at the same time enriching thousands of owners of the means of production.

Mr. Capitalism achieved his greatest successes during America’s Gilded Age of the late 19th century. Through the judicious use of vertically and horizontally-integrated monopolies, he was able to secure untold wealth for his followers who became known as "Capitalists", "Industrialists" and "Robber Barons."

Financial success did not always follow Mr. Capitalism especially during a period called The Great Depression when he was severely ill and, for some years, on life support. Thanks to government intervention and a diet of strict regulation, Capitalism recovered and went on to experience some of his greatest success during the latter part of the previous century.

Sadly, Western Capitalism was not able to learn from his past mistakes and continued to encourage others to profit from a series of so-called Bubbles based on everything from tulips to computers to real estate. His final illness was precipitated by a rash of unduly complicated and severely underfunded investment vehicles. Ultimately and ironically, his final demise was brought on by a severe and prolonged case of greed.

Western Capitalism was predeceased by his parents Feudalism and Serfdom and his estranged sibling Communism. He is survived by his other siblings Socialism, Fascism and Democracy and countless millions of illiquid shareholders and bankrupt corporations.

To honor Mr. Capitalism’s life, Wall Street will close today and will remain closed until further notice. In memoriam donations may be made to the government bailout program of your choice.

Everything's Coming Up Obama

In the midst of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, President-elect Barack Obama is doing all he can to keep the country’s spirits up. He has helped Americans deal with these troubled times through the sheer force of distraction. In particular, it seems that we just can’t get enough about his family’s decision of what kind of puppy to get for The White House.

It turns out that the upcoming canine selection is not just an idle and carefree exercise conducted by America’s First Family. Rather, it is part of a long-term plan to keep Americans occupied with matters cuddly and cute in the face of what could be the nastiest economic downturn in several generations. Recently revealed documentation indicates that there are several stages in "Operation Canine", the first of which has already been put into place, namely the announcement of the acquisition of a First Puppy.

When the timing is right, The White House will let the public know the type of breeds under consideration. If the economy further plummets, that announcement will be followed up quickly with the selection of the actual dog. And if that does not do enough to keep everyone entertained amidst a sea of bad news, the puppy-naming process will begin. If things deteriorate further, Obama may, in fact, exercise the national puppy-naming contest option for maximum amusement and distraction effect.

But "Operation Canine" is not the only federal program that can be used as a feel-good initiative in the face of troubled times. If, for any reason, the new White House puppy dog does not keep citizens sufficiently preoccupied, Obama is apparently prepared to launch "Operation Feline", a multi-stage plan to find what has been called the "cutest little kitty" in the nation.

Realizing that pet acquisition has its limitations, Obama also has under consideration a number of other initiatives with maximum "cuteness" and "ahh-inducing" ratings. In particular, the president-in-waiting has indicated to his advisors that, if things get worse, he will not hesitate to implement "Operation Gumdrops and Hot Chocolate." Within days, the new administration will be in a position to mobilize forces across the country to ensure everyone gets some gumdrops and a nice cup of hot chocolate.

The array of options is staggering. In the unlikely event that gumdrops and hot chocolate do not assuage the American public, look for the rapid deployment of another domestic initiative entitled "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows." Every mailbox in the nation will receive a personalized card bearing a picture of the sun on the front, a rainbow on the back and an actual lollipop inside.

However bad the economy gets, it appears that the new Obama administration is prepared to do whatever it takes to distract Americans from its deleterious effects. Warehouses are already filling up with bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens and millions of brown paper packages tied up with strings. Contacts have reportedly already been made with China at the highest diplomatic levels to ensure a ready supply of baby pandas in the unlikely event that they are needed on an emergency basis. No word yet on whether Michelle Obama has signed on to "Operation New Baby" as the final fail-safe program.

Mutant Federal Agencies

As the Bush-Obama presidential transition reaches its final stages, some frightening and bizarre discoveries have been made by the incoming Administration.

"We all knew about the public side of the Bush Administration," said Obama’s Chief of
Staff Rahm Emanuel. "You know, the various departments and agencies of the federal government that regularly make the news. Organizations like the Department of Defense and the Office of Management and Budget."

However, there appears to be a secret underbelly of government, a grouping of once-active but now seldom-used offices and bureaus. Emanuel’s subordinates have only begun to catalogue the unusual groupings of dormant bureaucrats who have apparently resided in the sewers of Washington, D. C. for the last eight years.

"We often heard stories about agencies of this type," said the Chief of Staff. "Agencies from the last century that supposedly had mandates to help the general public and occasionally even performed useful work."

Early reports indicate that deep below the streets of the nation’s capital live the remains of a department devoted to improving the educational standards of American students.

"We found barely breathing bureaucrats," said Emanuel. "Who whispered strange phrases like ‘second to none’ and ‘more public financing’ and ‘no child left behind.’ Sadly, none of them could recall any details of these long forgotten policies."

Also discovered in Washington’s sewers was something called the State Department where blank-eyed diplomats muttered expressions that sounded like ‘diplomatic relations’, ‘human rights’ and ‘no unilateral invasions.’

"We had heard rumors about strange government bureaucracies like this," said the new Chief of Staff. "But we never thought that they really existed. Apparently there was a time when America actually listened to other countries and even engaged in mutual cooperation."

Perhaps the strangest mutant organization found within the murky sewer waters was something called the Treasury Department.

"I’ve never seen anything like it," said Emanuel. "There were scores of functionaries who apparently once regulated financial institutions to keep them from making crazy investments. And sitting next to them were legions of bureaucrats whose only job was to ensure that the rich actually paid their fair share of taxes."

As the new staff members slog deeper and deeper into Washington’s sewers, they’ve been finding even stranger and less effective agencies.

"Believe it or not," said Emanuel. "We’ve discovered entire government departments that were once devoted to protecting the consumer, the environment and even the health of the nation. Who knows? If we can revive these strange creatures, we may even learn something about how to run a country."

In Defence of the Senate

Almost from the moment of its creation, Canadians have griped and complained about the Senate. It’s not elected. It’s not effective. It’s a patronage dumping ground.

With Prime Minister Harper’s elevation of eighteen new members to the chamber of sober second thought, it might appear that many of those criticisms have merit. However, there are far more reasons why we should keep our second federal legislature just the way it is. Reasons such as:

* Keeps meddlesome people out of the public marketplace where they could likely do much more damage.
* Unites Montreal and Toronto sports fans by rewarding former Leafs and Canadiens players with Senate seats.
* Helps maintain the mainstream media’s overwhelmingly liberal bias by removing the few remaining Conservative TV pundits.
* The Red Chamber would otherwise be of little use except possibly as a Parliamentary daycare. * Avoids the additional public expense of caring for dozens of aging superannuates.
* Keeps at least part of the government out of the messy paws of the proletariat.
* Helps stimulate the national economy in a time of financial crisis.
* Gives Mike Duffy something to strive for.
* Makes for a nice cushy reward for successful party bagmen and bagwomen.
* Eliminates the need to run House of Commons bills through Spellcheck.
* Gives Colin Kenny something to do when not running his tanning salon.
* Saves millions of dollars by avoiding reelection campaigns.
* Reduces the national unemployment rate.
* Helps reward hardworking, right-of-center businesspeople who just couldn’t get a fair break in Canada’s pinko-socialist economy.
* Provides a venue not only for sober second thought but also for thorough triple dipping and quick quadruple moonlighting.
* Allows prime ministers to simultaneously bash patronage appointments and reward party faithful.
* Ensures budget surpluses don’t get out of control.
* Adds extra interesting stop on Parliamentary tours for high school students.
* Provides excellent recruiting ground for new Cabinet members.
* Boosts hotel and restaurant industry in downtown Ottawa.
* Confuses Americans who think we have a real Senate.
* Gives Albertans something to bitch about.
* Doesn’t pester and annoy the electorate with regular elections.
* Puts the "bi" in bicameral legislature.
* Provides extra space for special events like state visits, the opening of Parliament and staff Christmas parties.
* Gives citizens better odds than the lottery - every Canadian has a one in a million chance of getting a Senate seat.

The Night Before Christmas (U. S. Version)

'Twas the night before Christmas in Bush’s White House,
Not a creature was stirring, even Cheney that louse;
The occupants were all in a sad state of grieving,
For in a few weeks, they all would be leaving.

They’d had a good run these neo-con pols,
They’d sold out their country in return for their souls.
Eight years of spending on the rich and connected,
Had bankrupted the nation and just about wrecked it.

First starting with tax cuts for those with too much
Followed by intelligence failures and such.
And then there were wars, one good and one bad,
The one in Iraq was particularly sad.

That was a start for this unusual leader,
For he was no thinker, no planner, no reader.
He ruled with his gut and not with his brain,
And managed to screw up again and again.

But that didn’t stop Mr. Bush from his plan
To reward his old pals whenever he can.
And though he had less than one month to go,
He figured there’s no point in taking things slow.

Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I knew that something was surely the matter.
So I ventured outside to have a quick look,
And to see if I’d find there a thief or a crook.

When, what to my wondering eyes should I view,
But a pork barrel wagon for the elite chosen few.
With a cagey head driver with one true belief,
I knew in a moment it was the Commander in Chief.

More rapid than eagles his right wing friends came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Wolfy! Now, Rumsfeld! Now, Libby and Karl Rove!
On, Condi! On, Cheney! On, Hastert and Snow!
To the top of The White House! to the top of the wall!
Now give away! Give away! Give away all!"

With big corporate handouts to help pave the way,
The President guided the patronage sleigh.
And out to the hustings his gang of friends flew,
With the sleigh full of goodies, and the President too.

George W. managed in the blink of both eyes,
To give away billions to just the right guys.
A bundle of subsidies came tumbling forth,
And oil drilling permits for parkland up north.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His philosophy simple; his speech quite contrary!

Although few days remained in this President’s game,
It was clear that he knew absolutely no shame.
He handed out pardons like candy they said,
And even got rid of the tax on the dead.

A wink of his eye and a slight verbal quirk,
Soon gave me to know what was really at work.
This guy was no dummy, no amiable dunce,
It was just a big cover to fool all the chumps.

And fool them he did wherever he went,
While doling out goodies to those of his bent.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like an Exocet missile.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to some, and to the rest - serves you right."

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House,
Not an MP was sitting, not one single louse.
The country was mired in a frightful recession,
Yet Parliament strangely was no longer in session.

The government was nestled all snug in its bed;
While majority visions still danced in its head;
And the House and the Senate and I in my robe,
Had just settled down for a lengthy prorogue.

When out in the land there arose such a clatter,
I called the PM to see what was the matter.
But he wasn’t worried, he had no more cares,
He simply urged folks to buy even more shares.

So I ventured outside to have a quick look,
And to see if I’d find there a thief or a crook.
When, what to my wondering eyes should I view,
But a new Liberal leader with a slight bluish hue.
He was very substantial, a political biggie,
And he answered at once to the sobriquet Iggy.

More rapid than eagles his cronies they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Manley! Now, Dryden! Now, Rae and Dion!
On, Kennedy! On, Findlay! On, Leblance and Brison!
We’re ready to embark on a grandiose mission,
Although we can’t rule out yet a short coalition."

But the PM was ready to fight this new guy,
He’d already bested Dion and McKay.
So he ordered his minions to lie and to fudge it,
And concocted a brand new federal budget.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the land
The gleeful outstretching of each corporate hand.
As I drew in my breath, and was turning around,
The whole Liberal surplus came tumbling down.

The Prime Minister managed in the blink of both eyes,
To give away billions to just the right guys.
A bundle of bailouts came tumbling forth,
For friends in the east, in the west and the north.
His eyes __ how they squinted! His dimples how scary!
His philosophy simple; his speech quite contrary!

He viewed the world only as friend versus foe,
And told all the naysayers just where they could go.
He knew his opponents were woefully weak,
And a confidence vote they’d surely not seek.

So he suppressed all his urges to lie and to hector,
And promised new money for each corporate sector.
For he knew if he only survived this next vote,
He could carry on sailing the national boat.

A wink of his eye and a slight verbal quirk,
Soon gave me to know what was really at work.
This guy was no dummy, no amiable dunce,
It was just a big cover to fool all the chumps.

And fool them he did wherever he went,
While doling out goodies to those of his bent.
He sprang to his feet, unresigned as of yet,
And took to the skies like a Challenger jet.

But I heard him exclaim, as he flew out of sight,
"If Ignatieff wants one, I’ll give him a fight."

Rod's Nuts Nestled In A Legal Vice

Sung to the tune of "The Christmas Song":

My nuts nestled in a legal vice
The A-G knocking at my door
Multiple counts being read by Fitzgerald
A list that’s running to a score

Everybody knows some turkey wants a Senate seat
Who’ll help to grow my bank account
Candidates who are ready to cheat
Will know to bring the right amount

They know that Rod will play for pay
I’m selling lots of extra goodies every day
A Senate seat, a post or two
And they’re all on sale just for you

And so I’m offering just like the Mob
Expecting a little something, too
All I want is some cash or a job
And if not, well, "screw you"

A Not-so-secret Santa

In a shocking development, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested on corruption charges. The 51-year old Democrat has been charged with effectively trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder.

The transcripts of numerous wiretapped conversations seem to suggest that Mr. Blagojevich was looking for a cushy appointment for himself or his wife in return for the Senate appointment. According to the criminal complaint, he said that he wanted to make $250,000 to $300,000 a year.

As it turns out, according to Gov. Blagojevich, all of this is just a simple misunderstanding.
"I wish the federal prosecutors had just come and talked to me," said the Illinois governor. "I could have easily explained all this and saved them the bother of going to court."

Apparently what the authorities heard on their wiretaps was nothing more than innocent conversations about the upcoming seasonal festivities in the governor’s mansion in Springfield.
"Look, I know it looks bad," said Blagojevich. "But those conversations are all taken out of context. Every year about this time, I call up various friends and acquaintances and invite them to my annual Christmas party."

"At the same time," continued the governor. "I ask them what they’d like for Christmas and I sometimes let it slip what I might like, too. But just because my Christmas wish list might include an ambassadorship or two or maybe even a Cabinet position doesn’t mean that I was ever looking to trade for a Senate appointment."

"Heck, if I wanted to make a lot of money, I would have just appointed myself to the Senate," said Blagojevich. "But that’s not what I’m all about. This is the season for giving and, when it comes to giving, I never stop."

Asked about his recorded threat to withhold state assistance to the Tribune Company unless the editorial board of the Chicago Tribune was fired, Blagojevich laughed and dismissed the allegation as baseless.

"I’ve got nothing against editorial board members," he said. "Why, some of my best friends are editorial board members although I can’t think of their names at the moment."

Mr. Blagojevich stated that his biggest regret about the entire misunderstanding is that it had apparently scared off the person who had picked his name this year to be the governor’s secret Santa.

"It’s really disappointing," said Blagojevich. "Now I’ll never know if I was going to get that brand new union post I’ve always wanted or maybe that shiny corporate directorship I’ve had my eye on. That Fitzgerald guy is a real Scrooge, if you ask me."

How The Grinch Stole Democracy

Every Member in Parliament liked democracy a lot,
But the Grinch who was leader of the Conservative Party did not.
The Grinch hated democracy, the one man, one vote-version.
Now, please don’t ask why. He just had an aversion.

It could be he hated to give up control.
Some say it’s just that he had no real soul.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, his soul or control,
He stood there near Christmas hating each pol.
For years he’d been wanting not half but the whole,
To augment his new prime ministerial role.

But try as he might with each electoral speech,
A majority of seats was just out of his reach.
But then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a wonderful awful idea!
"I know just what to do!

With a top hat and coat and an electoral trick,
They’ll all surely mistake me for good old Saint Nick.
With a sleigh full of presents or maybe a luge,
They’ll never suspect that I’m really a scrooge."

Then he hollered and yelled for his little dog Jim.
If he needed someone to deceive it twas him.
For Jim was adept at presenting news grim.
"But make sure you slip in a coal lump or two,"
Said the Grinch with his sweater of bright Tory blue.

One of those lumps was no stimulus plan,
Despite the financial crisis that enveloped the land.
The other it seemed was quite minor at first,
But turned out in the end to be quite the worst.

The Grinch had a proposal he thought surely would float,
Whereby parties got nothing for each citizen’s vote.
He figured the others too weak to resist,
And without all that funding, they couldn’t exist.

So the Grinch waited patiently to hear the death throes,
Of the political parties about to let go.
But the sound that he’d now been longing to hear,
Wasn’t heard at all it became perfectly clear.

Instead what he heard ringing out from the House,
Was a joyous eruption, not the sounds of a mouse.
For the parties had screwed up their courage at last,
And decided to banish the Grinch to the past.

And the Grinch with his hidden agenda revealed.
Began to claim that perhaps he’d been healed.
"Maybe a minority is simply just that,"
Said the Grinch whose heart grew perhaps just a tat.

"Perhaps it’s not right to be Machiavellian,
Since the result is quite often simply Orwellian.
I think I can change with a wink and a smile,
But if the parties screw up, then I’m here for awhile."

Dear Michaëlle

An occasional advice column for the constitutionally forlorn:

Dear Michaëlle,
I’m a 49-year old male who likes quiet walks, romantic getaways and insatiable amounts of political power. I’ve had some luck with relationships but, no matter what I try, I can never seem to get a lasting commitment. I recently came very close to having it all and, if the truth be told, I decided to carry on as if I did. Now it appears that instead of achieving true political love, I may be in for the biggest heartbreak of my life. What can I do to avoid this fate?
A Blue, Blue Tory

Dear Blue Tory,
Maybe your desire to have it all right away is getting in the way of a secure, lasting relationship. Have you considered talking to the other party? Relationships are all about communication, trust and, most of all, confidence. If you don’t have the other party’s confidence, you’re surely doomed to fail. Why not ask your potential partner for a timeout until, say, the end of January and see what happens then? If you try a little re-budgeting, you might just find that you can achieve true love after all.
Michaëlle Jean

Dear Michaëlle,
I am a 55-year old former professor and for years, I sought a stable, one-party relationship. That’s all I ever dreamed of but, alas, it apparently was not meant to be. In fact, I even recently decided to take a break from all this. But then something magical happened. I was approached by two other parties who proposed that we have a three-way relationship. This is all very new for me and, frankly, I’m a bit scared and a little unsure of my political identity. What should I do?
A Formerly Liberal Guy

Dear Former Liberal,
In this modern age, don’t be afraid to explore new forms of relationships. Be careful, though. When you’re entering into a tryst with more than one party, the number of ways that things can go wrong increases exponentially. Although it doesn’t sound very romantic, I strongly recommend that you sit down with the other parties and put your expectations in writing. Who knows? If you come to an agreement, you may have a strong, long-lasting relationship, one that might even last well into the next year.
Michaëlle Jean

Dear Michaëlle,
Honestly, I’ve never been happier. At 58 years of age, I had pretty much given up on my lifelong dream of becoming a leader or even sharing power with someone. But then, out of the blue, this party that, up until now never had the time of day for me, suddenly wants to get really close. Needless to say, I’m thrilled. But why is this other party using unromantic language like "coalition" and "alliance"? I really want to make this relationship work but I’m afraid of getting hurt again.
A Dapper Dipper

Dear Dapper Dipper,
As Tennyson once said: "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." If you want to be a leader, you have to take some risks. Just think of where you’ll be if you don’t take this chance. Probably stuck as a perpetual third wheel in the parliament of life. Even if this romance crashes and burns, you will still have had a taste of that wonderful feeling that comes from having power. Reach for the brass ring and the consequences be damned. After all, at your age, you may never have an opportunity like this again.
Michaëlle Jean

Dear Michaëlle,
As a 61-year old Quebecker, I continue to spend half my time in this crazy backwater called Ottawa. I can’t complain too much since I never lack for companionship. But I can never seem to form a stable, long-term relationship with any other party. Everyone wants to sleep with me but no one will be seen with me in public. Lately, I’m even asked to engage in three-ways and other kinky arrangements. It’s not so bad since I’m not even expected to be totally faithful but I must admit I feel used. Should I turn them all down and return to my first, true sovereign love?
A Lonely Quebecer

Dear Lonely Quebecer,
Methinks you doth protest too much. It seems that you are getting just about everything you want without having to take on any responsibilities. At your age, you should enjoy all the attention and forget about your true sovereign love. Vote with your head and not with your heart and you’ll continue to do just fine.
Michaëlle Jean

A Team Of Rivals

With each passing day of President-elect Obama’s transition period, it’s becoming more and more clear that he is determined to create a so-called "team of rivals." Modelled on Abraham Lincoln’s antebellum Cabinet, Obama’s new team includes not only intra-party rivals like Hillary Clinton and Bill Richardson but even holdovers from the current Bush administration like Defense Secretary Robert Gates. But rumor has it that Obama intends to go further than Lincoln ever did, much further as evidenced by these upcoming rumored choices:

Bill Clinton
The former President has reportedly been approached to accept a new White House position: Alpha Dog. Given Mr. Clinton’s past experience in the field of domestic affairs, he is expected to become Washington’s new Prince of Philandering, a veritable King of the Couch. For all matters sexual, Obama subordinates can look to the new Alpha Dog for answers.

John McCain
There is definitely no love lost between these fierce campaign rivals. Yet Barack Obama has already met with the aging Arizona senator with a view to smoothing over their differences. Those present at that meeting report that Obama offered McCain the official new White House position of Grumpy Old Man. "When the neighborhood kids throw a ball on the White House lawn or some young paperboy makes an errant throw," said Obama. "It’ll be John’s job to scare them off with a harsh word or two."

George W. Bush
Like most new presidents, Barack Obama wants to seek advice and counsel from former occupants of the office. Unlike most of this predecessors, however, Obama also needs a diversion in these troubled economic times. That’s why he’s asking George W. Bush to stay on in The White House as the new Chief Fool and Court Jester. Whenever things go awry, Obama hopes to present Mr. Bush in public and remind Americans how much worse things could be.

Dick Cheney
Actually, President-elect Obama hasn’t offered the former Vice President a formal position in his Administration. Instead, he has unilaterally appointed Mr. Cheney to be the head of the Guantanamo Bay military prison dismantling team. Before commencing work, however, Mr. Cheney apparently has been directed to personally inspect and occupy the premises for two to four years.

Sarah Palin
Given the increasing diplomatic tensions with Russia of late, the President-elect is hoping to rely on any available expertise in international relations. To that end, Obama has asked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to take up residence at the very tip of the Aleutian Islands chain where she can keep an eye on any angry Russians that might be rearing their heads over the horizon. When asked whether she is up for the challenge, Governor Palin simply replied: "Doggone it. You betcha!"

As of yet, there is still no word on possible positions in Mr. Obama’s Administration for Jesse Jackson, William Ayers and Reverend Wright.

Santa Snubs White House

At a hastily called press conference held near the North Pole, Kris Kringle today announced that he would not be visiting The White House this Christmas Eve.

"It’s not that I don’t want to," said Mr. Kringle. "But after last year’s fiasco, I definitely know where I’m not wanted."

Mr. Kringle described how on December 24, 2007, his low-flying, reindeer-driven sleigh was forced down on The White House lawn by two F-16 fighter jets. Apparently his gift-laden sled was picked up on radar resulting in an emergency scramble. After a forced landing, Kringle was immediately taken to CIA Headquarters.

"It was awful," said Kringle. "They kept asking me why I had a beard, why I wore a red jumpsuit and why I had several aliases like Santa Claus, Pere Noel and Father Christmas. They kept showing me pictures of myself handing out gifts to kids and asking me if I was a socialist."

"Father Christmas" (by now dubbed Father Eid by his captors) was then flown to a Middle Eastern country for further interrogation. He was eventually transferred to the American military prison at Guantanamo Bay as a suspected terrorist.

"It was horrible," said Mr. Kringle. "One minute I’m hanging upside down in an underground prison in Syria and the next minute I’m in an open-air cell in Cuba with a prayer mat and a copy of the Koran."

By mid-summer, it was apparent to his captors that Kringle was not a terrorist or an Islamic extremist but rather just a harmless jolly old man who dressed in red and liked to hand out toys and games to children at Christmastime. Released on his own recognizance, St. Nick, as he is also sometimes known, was given airfare back to his home.

"As I indicated at the time," said Mr. Kringle. "I’ve got nothing against Washington. But unless and until things change, I won’t be bringing any gifts to The White House this year."

As luck would have it, change is on the horizon but not soon enough for this year’s reindeer flight.
"I’m given to understand that by next Christmas there’ll be a new family in that house," said Kringle. "And that they have two little girls who apparently don’t mind sitting down with no preconditions to talk with long-bearded gentlemen in funny red clothing. At least that’s the scuttlebutt at the North Pole."

Washington Auction Sale

CHESAPEAKE AUCTIONEERS AND APPRAISERS - Annapolis, Maryland
"Serving the greater Washington and Baltimore area for over fifty years"
Specializing in estate, bankruptcy and relocation auctions and disposals

Notice of upcoming on-site auction

WHERE: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., South Lawn
WHEN: Monday, January 19, 2009 at 10 A.M. sharp
WHY: Occupant relocating

This auction will be held on-site due to the wide variety of items on offer. There will be the usual lots of general and household goods. In addition, a number of unusual and one-of-a kind objects will be up for bid. Among the items available are the following:

Lot #6
A wide array of western-style mens’ informal clothing is featured. The owner will be selling off most of his casual wear items including jeans, jean shirts, western buckles and cowboy boots. Used only as temporary costume items, they will now no longer be needed. Also for sale will be an overused Texas accent and several "good ole boy" postures, poses and expressions.

Lot #13
Lot number thirteen comprises a small offering of books, magazines and other reading material. Most of the items are in pristine condition and have not even been opened. Among the printed materials on offer are several brand new, never-read volumes including "Presidential Briefing - bin Laden determined to strike in U. S.", "U. N. Inspectors’ Report on Absence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq" and "National Intelligence Estimate Report: Iran ceases nuclear weapons program."

Lot #22
This lot includes dozens of unusual nostrums, knick-knacks and notions. A number of flags, pennants and banners will be up for sale including captured flags of Afghanistan and Iraq and a large window treatment bearing the words "Mission Accomplished."

Lot #31
A wide array of barely used policy positions are featured including "No child left behind", "Cooperative bipartisanship" and "Compassionate conservatism." Also available are several well-worn, overused policies such as "Tax cuts for the rich", "More tax cuts for the rich" and "Permanent tax cuts for the rich."

Item #16
A specialized grouping of oil-related items. Those interested in oil exploration might want to check out the owner’s new offshore drilling permits as well as some generous tax rebates and an astonishing "blind eye" to ongoing obscene oil company profits.

Lot #19
As with most residential dwellings, this one has a workshop. The current occupant is dismantling his entire shop which includes a wide range of brand new, untouched construction and consensus-building tools. Also on offer are a complete set of the owner’s overused deregulators including his mortgage industry deregulator, banking industry deregulator, environmental deregulator and consumer protection deregulator.

Lot #9
The owner will be selling his extensive collection of maps. This lot features a barely used city map of New Orleans, an undecipherable road map to peace in the Middle East and a special Axis of Evil edition desk globe. Also on offer is a unique, one-of-a-kind, unavailable elsewhere map of Iraq of uncertain provenance showing all the weapons of mass destruction sites and the myriad links between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda.

Turkey Turns Down Pardon

For the first time ever, the annual Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon has been cancelled. Not since President Harry Truman initiated the practise in 1947 has the ceremony had to be called off.
White House spokesperson Dana Perino was tightlipped and circumspect in announcing the cancellation.

"The White House regrets to announce that Wednesday’s ceremony will not be held this year," said Ms. Perino. "The President nevertheless wishes everyone a happy and healthy Thanksgiving."

Ms. Perino refused to take any questions leaving reporters to speculate as to why the annual event was aborted. But seldom reliable sources have revealed the probable reason behind the surprising development.

Apparently this year’s bird was not as cooperative as hoped. Despite being offered a full pardon and the position of grand marshal at Disneyland’s Thanksgiving Day parade, "Babbler" and his alternate "Chatterbox" reportedly refused to keep quiet about certain inner workings of the Bush White House.

For a number of years, there have been rumors about the ultimate fate of previous White House turkeys. It seems that, contrary to assurances given, none of the pardoned birds from past years were allowed to live out their lives in quiet comfort. Instead, they eventually turned up on the Christmas dinner tables of various Bush Administration officials.

It seems that Babbler and Chatterbox were prepared to let the bird out of the bag about the fate of last year’s pardoned turkey May and her alternate Flower. Rather than allow that news to get out, The White House took steps to ensure the birds’ silence.

Initially, Dick Cheney sought to take matters into his own hands. Apparently the Vice President showed up at the Iowa farm home of Babbler and Chatterbox with his shotgun in hand and threatened to "blow their freaking heads off."

Luckily, FBI officials intervened and stopped Mr. Cheney from shooting the talkative turkeys. Subsequent negotiations avoided a possible public spectacle and the flightless birds were flown to a neutral country for extended interrogation and eventual rendition to the prison facility at Guantanamo Bay.

There was some concern that Babbler and Chatterbox might spill the beans once Barack Obama takes office and shuts down the facility. But inside sources at the Cuban military base say that they don’t expect to find any evidence of the birds’ presence after Christmas day apart from maybe a wishbone or two.

McCain Soldiers On

Despite conceding the election to Barack Obama, Republican presidential candidate John McCain has vowed to fight on.

"We’ve been counted out before, my friends," said the Arizona senator. "But I’m not one to give up that easily."

Confronted with the words of his concession speech from election night, McCain said that he didn’t remember speaking any of them.

"Heck, I’m 72 years old," said the Republican nominee. "I can’t be expected to remember everything I did in the last few days. Aides put speeches in front of me all the time and I deliver them. That doesn’t mean that I approved them or even remember them."

Asked how he intends to keep his presidential run going in the face of an overwhelming electoral defeat, McCain hearkened back to the primary campaign.

"If you’ll remember," said McCain. "Last year, it looked like we ran out of money and everybody had counted us out. Yet we persevered and won the nomination. I think we can perform that kind of miracle again."

As for specific strategy, Senator McCain was somewhat circumspect.

"I’d be crazy to tell you everything we have planned to win this thing," he said. "But let’s just say that there’s still money left in the campaign war chest and there are a few hundred Electoral College members who might be persuaded to change their votes for a price."

Other possible scenarios reportedly include requesting recounts in every closely contested state, launching numerous voter fraud challenges and renaming California and New York as Texas and Arizona.

"I’m known as a straight-talking maverick," said McCain. "And I’m telling you straight up that this thing is far from over. If you count John McCain out, you don’t know John McCain."
Asked to comment on Senator McCain’s apparent about-face, President-elect Barack Obama politely declined and left the matter to his campaign aides.

"Mr. Obama respects John McCain for his long, selfless service to his country," said a low-level spokesperson. "But we don’t think it’s fair to comment in what is clearly a very difficult time for him."

It appears that few, if any, of the McCain contingent are willing to join the senator on his quixotic journey. Vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, reached at her log mansion in Wasilla, Alaska, made the following statement:

"I greatly respect and admire John McCain and I wish him well in the continuation of his presidential run. However, I will not be able to join him on the campaign trail as I have a moose to gut."

Why Stop There?

The push for a bailout for America’s big three automakers has had some unintended consequences. Other companies are reportedly jumping on the government bailout wagon.

First up is the Studebaker Corporation. Although the company has been defunct since 1967, a few aging former shareholders and directors have banded together to make a pitch to resurrect the business.

"We’re not looking for fifty billion dollars," said former company executive Gordon Grundy. "Heck, we don’t even need billions. A few hundred million dollars would be more than enough to get us up and running again."

Known for its innovative automobile styling in the 1950s and the popular Lark and Avanti models of the early 60s, Studebaker is hoping to capitalize on its expertise with electric cars gained in the early years of the previous century.

"Yeah, we were one of the first to go with battery-powered automobiles," said Mr. Grundy. "And with a little help from the government, I believe we can regain our number one position in the industry."

Also expressing interest in receiving a government handout is Pierce-Arrow, the noted luxury car manufacturer of the early1900s. Done in by the declining market for expensive motor cars during the Great Depression, the company is hoping to kick start its business.

"If we could get just a fraction of what’s being considered for GM, Ford and Chrysler," said company spokesman Hardy Wise. "Then we are confident that we can take on Mercedes-Benz, BMW and even Rolls-Royce."

The Stanley Motor Carriage Company has also thrown its corporate hat into the government giveaway ring. The maker of the famous Stanley Steamer automobile figures that the time is right for a rebirth of the company’s turn-of-the-last-century technology.

"With oil reserves in decline and hybrid technology only a temporary fix," said George Stanley, great-grandson of company founder Francis Stanley. "We feel that steam technology is the way to go."

Notwithstanding its twenty horsepower motor and unsafe carriage design, Stanley Steamer supporters are confident that a cash infusion will help launch the company, if not into the 21st century then at least into the latter half of the 20th century.

Last but not least in the lineup of grant seekers is Markham Buggy Whips Manufacturing Inc. of Buffalo, New York. Dormant for the last one hundred years, the once thriving company feels that the time is right to revitalize its business.

"With a modest nine-figure investment from the government, I think we’re poised to lead an explosion in buggy whip sales," said sole shareholder Fred Markham. "After all, oil is running out and a new horse and buggy era is surely just around the corner."

Dear Barack

Dear President-elect Obama:

As a longstanding member of the National Association of Satirists, Cartoonists and Humorists, I would like to extend my congratulations to you.

While there are, no doubt, major problems that you must address, I urge you, sir, to consider the plight of NASCAH members. With the defeat of John McCain and Sarah Palin and the imminent departure of President Bush and Vice President Cheney, we are facing what could be the biggest satirical crisis in America since the Great Depression.

The easy satirical times that we have enjoyed for the past eight years are quickly coming to an end. It appears that many of our members did not consider the immediate effect Mr. Bush’s departure would have on their livelihood and assumed that the good times would last forever.

You, sir, however, have lived through several political humor cycles and are cognizant of the ups and downs in satirical material that can occur. Those of us who suffered through the early Clinton years are well aware what can happen to our industry during a lean, markedly unfunny period. Mockable items are dramatically down, foibles and peccadillos can hit all-time lows and scandals are few and far between.

Luckily for those who survived those years, it turned out that good times were just around the corner. Despite the economic growth of the late 90s, our members were blessed with a lampoonable trifecta in the form of Whitewater, Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you that many of our members felt that an Obama-Biden victory would be disastrous for the humor market in general and comedic futures in particular. The thinking was that two intelligent, articulate officeholders in The White House would surely spell disaster for our organization and quickly lead not just to a satirical recession but possibly to a political humor depression.

And that is why I am urging you, sir, to do what you can to assist our membership in dealing with this humor downturn so that we can continue to earn a living. If you could perhaps make the odd mistake, take the occasional pratfall or even once in awhile mangle the English language, we would be eternally grateful.

Or if you cannot see your way clear to screwing up from time to time, please at least consider some other options. Give Joe Biden a more public profile. Appoint Hillary Clinton to your cabinet. Or maybe give Bill an ambassadorship to France or Italy.

Frankly, we were hoping for a future replete with mavericks, hockey moms, Joe Six-packs, fractured syntax and old geezer jokes. It is hard to accept that the easy times are over. But with your help, we will persevere through these next four years and do all that we can to ensure a Sarah Palin presidency in 2012.

Yours truly,

Dave Martin, NASCAH

Bush-B-Gone Insecticide

The U. S. Environmental Protection Agency today held a special press conference to announce a permanent ban on Bush-B-Gone brand insecticide.

EPA spokesperson Harold Herold stated that Bush-B-Gone has been under investigation for some time. Apparently the product in question has failed agency tests for eight years in a row.

"This is unprecedented," said Mr. Herold. "Not since the Ford Pinto was given back-to-back warnings by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration in 1971-72 have we even had a repeat offender. To be given this designation eight years running is simply unbelievable."

First introduced on the market in 2001, Bush-B-Gone has had an uninterrupted eight-year run of almost total futility and ineffectiveness.

"Back in late 2000 when we first tested the product," said Herold. "It looked like it might actually work. Democrats liberally sprayed the product over infected areas. Unfortunately, they neglected to cover much of the state of Florida which ultimately resulted in the Bush bug not only surviving but flourishing and infecting The White House and the entire country."

Subsequent attempts to improve the product failed. Notwithstanding numerous weaknesses in the Bush bug, the manufacturer of Bush-B-Gone was apparently unable to reformulate its product to eradicate this annoying pest.

"In 2004, the manufacturer claimed to have added extra ingredients like Iraqwar, Taxcuts and Hugedebt to the insecticide," said Herold. "But it turns out that, by then, the Bush bug had developed immunity to just about everything including the truth."

Some consumers have been deceived into continuing to buy Bush-B-Gone even after it has been shown to be totally ineffective. Recent ads claim that "new improved" Bush-B-Gone "now with extra truth" will finally do the job.

"The sad reality is, " said Mr. Herold. "That Bush-B-Gone is as useless as ever. You can spray and spray all you want but the Bush bug will be here until the end of the year no matter what you do."

It turns out that Bush-B-Gone will play no part in the eventual removal of this noxious insect. Government entomologists have recently discovered that the Bush bug has a set lifespan and that it will expire on January 20th of next year.

However, scientists continue to worry about future outbreaks. Unless a new effective insecticide can be developed in the next four years, it’s possible that The White House will be infected with a newly discovered pest: the Palin fly.

W's Early Retirement

George W. Bush today announced that he would not be serving out the balance of his second term. Instead, the President has decided to take early retirement.

"When I looked at my current employment status and crunched the numbers," said Mr. Bush. "It just made sense to pack it in early."

Like many of his baby boomer colleagues, President Bush was apparently looking to get a head start on retirement.

"I’m already 62 and I know I could have stayed until January 20th of next year," said Mr. Bush. "But I figured, why wait? Most of my friends have hit the links and I’d like to join them sooner rather than later."

Apparently an early escape to the golf course was not the only deciding factor for the President.
"When I met with Barack Obama on Monday," said Mr. Bush. "He kindly gave me a brief PowerPoint presentation detailing all the options for Social Security benefits. Did you know you can get like 70% of the full benefits starting at age 62? Heck, if I’d known that, I might have left even earlier this year."

However, given the generous pension provisions for former Presidents, a steady income for Mr. Bush is pretty much guaranteed. Starting on January 20th, he will draw down $191,300 a year plus close to a million dollars more for office and travelling expenses.

"Look, I’ve put in almost a full eight years," said Bush. "And it’s time I got more than a one-month summer break at the ranch. I don’t think folks realize how tiring it is being the Decider."

Another factor in Mr. Bush’s decision was the number of sick days he had accumulated over his two terms in office.

"That’s another thing Barack kindly pointed out," said Mr. Bush. "I didn’t even know I had that many coming to me. In fact, I’ve got enough sick days to cover me all the way up to January 20th and beyond."

There was some speculation that Mr. Bush’s current level of unpopularity had something to do with his decision to retire early. When pressed, however, the President said no.

"That’s not something that just happened," said Bush. "I’ve been unpopular for a long, long time. If I was going to let that bother me, I would have left after my first term."

But it does appear that the surfeit of national and international problems facing The White House may have had something to do with the President’s early departure.

"Yeah, I have to admit that I wasn’t looking forward to dealing with that mess anymore," said Bush. "I think it’s time I let a younger guy take a shot at it. As Barack kindly pointed out, I think I’ve done more than enough for now."

Although President Bush specifically asked that there not be a retirement party for him, it appears that spontaneous celebrations have broken out in almost every major city from coast to coast.

Presidential Idol

The 2008 election is over. But that doesn’t mean it’s the end of political viewing. Check out these new politically-themed shows offered this fall by the networks:

Presidential Idol (Fox)
After dozens of auditions, the field of Presidential hopefuls is narrowed to two finalists. Candidates are judged on their singing, dancing and stickhandling abilities and then eliminated one by one in a state-by-state voting process called the primaries. The eventual winner earns the right to be called America’s Presidential Idol and face a trillion dollar debt, a tanking economy and a never-ending war in Iraq.

The Right Wing (NBC)
Trying to match the popularity of its former hit show The West Wing, NBC has updated the format with a neo-conservative spinoff. New U.S. President Fred X. Shrub wins a narrow victory as a self-proclaimed "compassionate conservative" only to cut social services and deplete the Treasury. Keeping the country on a constant color-coded alert, Shrub and his advisors spend eight years attacking something they dub the "axis of evil."

Bill & Grace (NBC)
Having succeeded with a gay comedy, NBC tries its hand at a new format: the political sitcom. Ex-President Bill sits at home while his wife Grace pursues her own political career. Follow the weekly hijinks as Bill constantly gets into trouble and threatens to derail Grace’s presidential aspirations.

Everybody Sort Of Likes Barack (CBS)
CBS takes its own stab at a political sitcom with Everybody Sort Of Likes Barack. Newcomer Barack takes a run at the Presidency only to find that his aging opponent knows how to fight dirty. Follow Barack’s weekly policy transformations in his quest to match his Democratic predecessors and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

CSI: Wall Street (CBS)
CBS goes to the well one more time with this new edition of its popular Crime Scene Investigation series. Auditors and financial forensics investigators check out stock market fraud and corporate crime in New York City’s most dangerous neighborhood: Wall Street. Leads are followed, crimes are solved and fortunes are made but almost nobody goes to jail.

HMO (NBC)
NBC capitalizes on the success of its long running medical drama ER with its new series HMO. The new weekly drama traces the bureaucratic and administrative nightmares of ordinary Americans as they try to get coverage for basic health care services. Join the roller coaster ride as patients try in vain to get actual reimbursement for necessary medical procedures.

Anarchy and Chaos (NBC)
The Law and Order gang moves to Baghdad to dispense their special brand of justice. Unfortunately, there’s no functioning administrative structure to help them out. The plucky prosecutors end up spending most of their time trying to recover their stolen vehicles and avoid daytime muggings.

Dear Jim

"[Canada’s Finance Minister] warned public-sector workers they cannot expect big wage hikes in the next round of bargaining for contracts."
- The Canadian Press - October 29, 2008

Dear Jim,

Thanks for the warning but it wasn’t really necessary. I’ve been tempering my wage expectations ever since I joined the federal public service twenty-six-and-a-half years ago. Not to worry; I don’t expect a big wage hike. In fact, after your public announcement, I’m really not sure if I should expect any salary increase at all.

You see, after all these years, I’ve learned one thing about working for the feds. Whether times are good or times are bad, the government in power takes it out on public sector employees. When times are bad, we’re all supposed to be thankful we have a job, bite the bullet and sacrifice for the greater good. When times are good, we’re expected to do more with less in order to help the government reduce the debt, increase productivity, set an example for the country or any number of other excuses.

In bad times, public sector workers are expected to be the leading edge of fiscal restraint. We’re told that we should cut back to set the tone for the rest of the workforce. We’re given assurances that when economic good times return, we’ll be suitably rewarded. And when the good times do return, we are Canada’s forgotten workers.

After years of abuse and belittlement, I know better than to ask for much. Ever since 1991, I consider myself lucky to get anything, much less a "big wage hike."

Longtime federal employees remember 1991. That’s when your predecessor Tory government offered us wage increases of zero, three and three per cent for the following three years. We went out on strike, the employer agreed to change its offer, then reneged and in the end passed legislation imposing a zero and three per cent settlement on us for the next two years.

After that, things just went downhill. We never got that initially offered second three per cent increase. Instead, the government passed legislation which effectively froze our wages for the next four years. Even when so-called collective bargaining resumed in 1997, we were lucky to get two per cent per year from that point on.

To make matters worse, the employer doesn’t even bother to negotiate in good faith. Collective agreements end and deadlines expire and we still don’t get an agreement. As things currently stand, I’ve been without a wage agreement for almost a year and a half. And that’s pretty much business as usual when dealing with your predecessors.

The sad reality is that retired government workers are better off than current employees. Those who retired in 1991, for example, have been getting annual cost of living increases tacked on to their pensions. That sure beats the hell out of a wage freeze and is often better than the miserly two per cent Treasury Board usually doles out.

The reality is that someone retiring from the federal public service seventeen years ago with a full pension (i.e. - 70% of one’s salary) getting a cost of living increase every year is making almost as much as the poor sap who stayed working in that position all those years. I’m not complaining about the superannuate’s pension. After all, he or she paid for that indexation while working. But you have to admit that it’s at least a little unfair that the poor employee struggling through those years of downsizing and increasing work pressures received far less.

Then again, I guess no one has to admit anything. It’s pretty much the same old story. When the treasury is flush, don’t bother rewarding your workers. And when the economy suffers, bring out your favorite whipping boy - the federal public service.

Here’s a deal to consider. Don’t give me a "big wage hike." I’m not sure my heart could take the surprise anyway. Instead, just give me two per cent. After all, apart from six years of wage freezes, that’s all I’ve known for the last two decades. You’ll get to show Canadians that you’re being tough on all those spoiled government workers and I can treat myself to a new shirt to replace the one missing from my back.

Here's A Thought

On November 4th, it appears that most American voters did something they hadn't done in a long time: they voted for the more intelligent Presidential candidate.

"I'm not particularly happy about it," said average voter Jane Doe. "But for some reason things just hadn't been going that well over the last few years and I figured we had to try something new."

Many average citizens felt likewise although most, too, were unable to identify the problem.

"I've always thought it was best to vote for a regular guy," said regular guy John Q. Public. "You know, someone like me who has a lot of common sense and makes decisions based on his gut feeling."

"But since I lost my house and my job, I kind of had second thoughts," said Mr. Public. "Don’t get me wrong; I still really like President Bush but I felt that maybe it was time to give the smart guy a chance."

"It wasn’t easy voting for an egghead," said Ms. Doe. "Make no mistake about that. But we didn’t have much of a choice. Now that we’ve elected a real live smart guy, maybe things will get cleaned up and we can go back to voting for someone like us again. I sure hope so."

The American voter’s disdain for intellectual elites seems to be on the wane for the first time in this century. Poll after poll showed a marked preference for candidates who might actually know what they’re talking about.

"I’ve always preferred the guy who spoke from his heart," said Jane Doe. "But maybe, just maybe, we needed someone this time who also has a brain."

"I agree," said John Q. Public. "Although if he got all high and mighty and snooty I was still prepared to vote for the dumber guy even if it meant our country would end up in the crapper."

"That’s right," said Ms. Doe. "I’d rather throw it all away than be told what to do by some fancy pants know-it-all. If he’s smart and he gets things done right, that’s fine. But I won’t put up with a bunch of ‘That’s how you do its’ or ‘I told you sos’."

When informed of this apparent new trend, Al Gore and John Kerry immediately reverted to speaking in complete sentences. And reports from a graveyard in Bloomington, Illinois indicate there is a strong whirring or spinning sound adjacent the grave of Adlai Stevenson.

Happy Election Day

The frost is on the pumpkin. A chill is in the air. And everywhere you go, you can feel the buzz of excitement. That can mean only one thing: it’s Election Day.

The Election decorations have been up for weeks. It seems like every other lawn has a decorative sign. And many street corners and boulevards are festooned with different placards and posters creating a delightful rainbow of seasonal colors.

Turn on the radio or the TV and you’ll be serenaded with Election messages and songs. Whether it’s one candidate touting his new healthcare plan or another candidate questioning the moral fitness of his opponent, the airwaves are filled with the sounds of the Electoral season.

But one thing you won’t see during this festive time are ads urging you to buy gifts for friends, relatives and co-workers. That’s because Election Day is not about buying presents and spending money. Rather, it’s about spending time with your family in celebration of the greatest gift of all: a ballot.

Of all the holidays in the year, my favorite has to be Election Day. In contrast to celebrations like Christmas, New Year’s and Easter, Election Day has not been commercialized. After all these years, it still actually means something.

Of course, every family has its own traditions when it comes to this special holiday. Some like to gather in the morning, exchange last minute suggestions and then head out to the polls. Others prefer to get together for a simple Election Day dinner and then cast their ballots. Still others like to engage in the longstanding tradition of abstaining.

But no matter how you and yours exercise your franchise, just about everyone celebrates Election Night the same way. We all gather around the television set and watch as the millions and millions of votes are counted from every state in the union.

It’s always fun to watch the children on Election Night as they struggle to stay awake for the final results. Their little eyes open wide with amazement as the states on the electoral map are colored in red and blue from one coast to the other. But most of them eventually fall asleep and have to wait to the next day to find out who won.

It’s a magical time of year. People gathering to support their favorite candidate and sharing misconceptions and sleights about his opponent. Citizens congregating in bars and taverns to insult and denigrate one another’s positions. And finally, there is the long-anticipated vote, the day when as many as half of these people will actually cast a ballot based on platforms, personalities or maybe just hearsay and innuendo.

Whatever the outcome, it’s always heartwarming to see the celebration. Even if, in the end, nothing much really changes, it’s nice to see people coming together and sharing in this ill-informed public conversation if only for a few short months. In the spirit of the season, I wish one and all a Happy Election Day.