McCain The Super-maverick

With the selection of Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential nominee, John McCain has once again burnished his image as a political maverick. The choice of a running mate who is about as far removed from Washington, D. C. as you can get helps to underscore his reputation as a free-thinking outsider.

But given Barack Obama’s popularity, it looks like the Arizona senator may have to do even more to emphasize his maverick credentials. If McCain doesn’t gain some polling traction with his choice of Palin, look for him to try one or more of these image-enhancing moves:

* At his first debate with Obama, John McCain appears dressed totally in authentic western wear. From his ten-gallon hat to his spur-bearing boots, the Republican nominee will become the iconic cowboy that Americans are longing to see. The betting is even money as to whether or not McCain will enter the auditorium on a horse.

* At the first hint of a negative word from Obama, McCain will challenge him to a duel with pistols at dawn. Obama, of course, will decline but McCain can then emphasize Obama’s weakness on everything from foreign policy to pistol duelling. If Obama protests that duelling is illegal in the United States, McCain can cite this as another example of unneeded government intervention in the affairs of ordinary citizens and possibly even a contravention of the Second Amendment.

* Look for the Republican nominee to trade in his Straight Talk Express bus for a Straight Talk Express World War I vintage biplane. Nothing says nonconformist iconoclast like an old guy with a red scarf and aviator goggles piloting a plane that’s as old as he is. Look for the barnstorming Republican candidate at an airfield near you.

* Sometime before November 4th, John McCain may take the unusual move of naming his entire Cabinet. Usually candidates wait until elected before taking this step. But McCain will say ‘Why wait?’ and name them all now so Americans know just what they can expect from a John McCain presidency. With everyone from Mitt Romney to Joe Leiberman to Arnold Schwazenegger, there’ll be a little something for everybody.

* If all else fails, McCain may try the ultimate maverick move and appear in the final debate with Obama in a North Vietnamese-style prisoner of war cage. Complete with a straw floor and wooden rice bowl, the prisoner cage will elicit strong images of heroism and patriotism. If Obama objects, McCain will simply agree that Obama can have his own POW cage as well, ‘if the wimp can handle it’.

More Surprise McCain Picks

Convinced that he made the right move in selecting Sarah Palin as his running mate, Republican presidential nominee John McCain has decided not to stop there. In order to maintain his campaign’s momentum, the Arizona senator has apparently decided to announce other female selections for his governance team now rather than wait until after the election.

Seldom reliable sources have confirmed that Senator McCain has a number of other surprising picks in mind. For example, although many observers assumed that he would go with Condoleeza Rice as his secretary of state, McCain instead seems to have his finger on the video pulse of the nation.

"I like that gal who played the President’s wife in that show ‘The West Wing’," McCain is reported to have remarked. "What’s her name? Stockard Channing? Yeah, I think she’s got lots of spunk and would do a terrific job."

In the same vein, McCain apparently has his eye on Allison Janney as his press secretary. "She’s bright, quick and she doesn’t take any guff," said the Republican nominee. "Plus she’s easy on the eyes."

The position of chief of staff will likely go to Shirley Jones who starred in the 70s sitcom ‘The Partridge Family.’ "If she can organize my administration half as well as she ran that wacky household of five kids," said McCain. "I don’t think we’ll have any problems running the country."

In keeping with the theme of an all-female TV team, McCain wants to appoint Suze Orman, noted financial advice show host, as Treasury Secretary. "Have you seen her in action?" said McCain. "We sure as hell wouldn’t have any mortgage or debt crisis with her in charge."

After seeing these picks, it came as no surprise that the senator has decided to appoint Judge Judy as his Attorney General. "I think most Americans are tired of our judicial system mollycoddling criminals," said McCain. "With Judge Judy we can get back to a no-nonsense, lock-em-up system of justice."

As for future Supreme Court appointments, John McCain is apparently sticking to his all-female approach. Top potential candidates include Calista Flockhart, Candace Bergen and Lara Flynn Boyle. When questioned about the apparent lack of experience of these women, McCain brusquely replied: "They’ve all played lawyers on TV and that’s good enough for me."

As the campaign wears on, look for John McCain to announce more and more of his post-election appointments. Although it is not known yet who those appointees will be, one thing is clear - they will all be females and they will all be television stars.

"What can I say? I like dames and I like TV," said McCain. "And I think they’ll make a great governing team. Especially if all the other gals vote for me."

Another Election, Eh?

Well, here we go again. Thanks to Stephen Harper, we’re having yet another federal election. This will be the third one in four years which you might think would try the patience of the average Canadian voter. But apparently it turns out you’d be wrong as these representative views suggest.

John McNee of St. John’s, Newfoundland couldn’t be happier there’s another election. "It’s what I live for," said McNee. "The ceaseless carping by party leaders, the oh-so scintillating debates and the endless broken promises. What’s not to love?"

Harriet Simcoe of Victoria, B. C. also seems to be looking forward to the upcoming race. "Yes, I can hardly wait," said Simcoe. "I think the government was wasting way too much money on education, heath care and road building. It’s about time we got back to spending tens of millions of dollars on an election."

Harold Sneed of Toronto echoes those views and is apparently delighted that the election has begun. "There just wasn’t that much interesting on TV right now," said Sneed. "I guess some of the regular shows will be showing new episodes soon. But, in the meantime, there’s nothing like news coverage of the campaign to keep me rivetted to the television screen."

Sally Winston of Fredericton, New Brunswick is more relieved than ecstatic about the election call. "I recently ran out of sleeping pills," said Winston. "And my doctor is reluctant to prescribe me more. But now I don’t have to worry. All I have to do is record the upcoming leaders’ debate and watch five minutes of it anytime I need help falling asleep."

Michel Bastien of Trois Rivieres, Quebec wonders why Stephen Harper waited this long to go to the polls. "Everyone here in Quebec agrees that it’s really boring having electoral peace," said Bastien. "Quebeckers just don’t feel quite right unless our leaders are constantly picking at the separatist scab. Otherwise, how do you know you’re really alive?"

Harry Masters of Fort McMurray, Alberta was beside himself with joy regarding the election call. "We’ve got a lot of important work to do exploiting the tar sands and polluting the atmosphere," said Masters. "But with Parliament in session, we always have to answer to the government. With these clowns on the road for five weeks, it’s smooth sailing for us."

The only sour note heard from our correspondents was from a S. Dion of Ottawa who claims Canadians don’t want an election at this time. If nothing else, it’s clear that Mr. Dion definitely doesn’t want one.

Spiteful Hillaryites Cut Off Noses

Despite weeks of anguished grief over their candidate’s defeat, most Hillary Clinton supporters have decided to hold their noses and vote for Barack Obama. But a sizable minority still cannot forgive and forget.

"We were treated shabbily by someone," said Clinton fan Lucy Shultz. "I’m not sure who but I think it was a man and therefore I cannot support any men in this campaign."

Nevertheless, some disgruntled Hillaryites intend to support John McCain. Others say they will boycott the election and some want to write in Clinton’s name on their November 4th ballots.

The most extreme faction of unrepentant Clintonians have decided to take the ultimate vindictive action: they will literally cut off their nose to spite their face.

"I thought about just holding my nose and voting for Obama," said longtime Hillary supporter Karen Lace. "But then I realized that the most dramatic show of support would be to actually cut off my nose."

This small legion of uber-Clintonites feel that they must stop at nothing to demonstrate their support for their candidate. It is no longer a question of simply supporting a nominee who has the same views as Hillary. It is now a matter of pride.

"We want to show our dedication to the one true feminist candidate," said Ms. Lace. "And we figure that the best way to do that is to cut off our noses. It will be a sign of respect that will say to people across this patriarchal land ‘we are women, hear us roar’ albeit with a somewhat more nasal sound."

Apparently the more radical Hillary supporters first considered adopting an Amazonian badge of honor by flattening their right breast and carrying a bow and arrow. But that option was eventually discarded in favor of the proboscis-slicing choice.

"Flattening a breast would have been a bold and empowering move," said Ms. Shultz. "But ultimately it might not have been recognized as an obvious sign of Hillary support. With a sliced off nose, there can be no mistake about where we stand and why we did it."

Asked whether they qualify as members of the Hillary-loving faction called PUMAs which stands for "Party Unity, My Ass", Ms. Lace was quick to clarify.

"Yes, we’re PUMAs," said Lace. "We’re just PUMAs without noses."

McCain Wanted Michael Palin

Republican Presidential nominee John McCain has reportedly been hospitalized after suffering a mild, stress-induced heart attack. The attack occurred shortly after the announcement of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential pick.

"What the hell happened?" McCain was heard to yell just before crumpling over in pain. "Who said that broad from Alaska was going to be on the ticket?"

Apparently McCain had intended to choose former Monty Python comedy troupe member Michael Palin.

"I’ve always loved that guy," said McCain from his hospital bed in Bethesda, Maryland. "He’s so damn funny. I figured our campaign could use a laugh or two."

McCain explained that he wrote the name "Palin" on a sheet of paper and passed it to his aides with the intention that they would pass on the information to the media.

"I don’t know why I hire these young idiots," said the senator. "They’re always screwing everything up. Last week I asked them to send a telex to my wife and they looked at me like I was crazy."

Even after aides patiently explained to him that Michael Palin is not a native-born American and thus ineligible for the office of Vice President, McCain was still not satisfied.

"What the hell are you talking about?" said the soon-to-be Presidential nominee. "I was born in the Canal Zone in Panama and I’m running. Surely a funny little Brit like Michael Palin qualifies."

Governor Palin was reportedly disappointed to learn that she wasn’t McCain’s first or even tenth choice. However, she intends to soldier on unless asked to resign which may, in fact, happen soon.

McCain is exploring other possibilities and may ask Ms. Palin to step aside in favor of a funnier, more masculine candidate.

"If Michael Palin is unavailable," McCain was heard to ask. "How about the tall guy, the one who was the Minister of Silly Walks? What’s his name, John Cleese? Get him on the phone. God, I wish Red Skelton or W. C. Fields was still alive."

Bush Bashers Banished

As Hurricane Gustav wreaked havoc on the Gulf Coast, The White House luxuriated in the knowledge that President Bush would finally get the credit he deserved for his previous plan of inaction during and after Katrina. Although New Orleans has again suffered damage, it is far less extensive than it would have been if those calling for a quick and thorough rebuilding of the city had gotten their way.

"I think the effects of Gustav speak volumes about my approach to disaster relief," said Bush. "If we had jumped in and spent billions three years ago to repair the damage caused by Katrina, then all the new stuff that got built would now be damaged or destroyed."

Citing past unsung political heroes like Millard P. Fillmore and Warren G. Harding, President Bush stressed that oftentimes the best course of action is to simply do nothing.

"Sure, I could have ordered National Guard troops in before Katrina hit," said the President. "And we could have rebuilt all kinds of things after the storm. But by doing nothing, I was able to avert untold billions in additional damage over and above what Gustav caused."

Hurricane Gustav finally brings vindication to Michael D. Brown, the former director of FEMA who resigned after Hurricane Katrina. Contacted at his office at InferX Corporation, the CEO of the security technology company was only too happy to talk.

"When President Bush congratulated me for doing a heck of a job," said Brown. "Both he and I knew what he meant."

"I could have rushed in and done all kinds of things to help in New Orleans after Katrina ," said the man affectionately known as Brownie. "But we both knew that such expenditures would soon be washed away by the next major storm. Doing nothing went against my nature but it was definitely the right thing to do."

Apparently President Bush’s post-Katrina plan was only one of several brilliant, but as yet unacknowledged, strategies to save the country. Mr. Bush has so far been reluctant to discuss those other strategies, simply taking the position that history will eventually exonerate him.

"I just don’t think it’s appropriate for me to take credit for solutions that have yet to play out," said the President. "Granted, it’s tough to listen to the media criticism day in and day out knowing that I will eventually be proved right."

"Let’s just say that if we find a gigantic nuclear bomb buried in the sand in Iraq," said Bush. "Or if it turns out that permanent tax cuts for the rich provide untold benefits to the poor, then I won’t be the one to say ‘I told you so’."

President McCain Pushes The Wrong Button

My fellow Americans. I have asked the networks for this special time to explain to you what has happened to our great country over the last few days.

I know that you are concerned. Many of you have seen the giant mushroom clouds and the widespread desolation. Some of you have even seen the onset of nuclear winter. Sadly, the folks in Toledo, Sacramento and Miami didn’t see a thing.

Nuclear war is not pleasant. People get hurt and towns get destroyed. But, rest assured, it’s not the end of the world, at least not yet.

Now certain folks have blamed me for what some are calling a nuclear holocaust. First of all, it doesn’t help to point fingers and call people names. That’s hurtful and unhelpful.

To help dispel all the rumors that are floating around out there, I’m going to set the record straight. Yes, I did push the nuclear button that started this whole thing. But, no, I never intended to send nuclear missiles slamming into the Kremlin.

The fact of the matter is that my wife Cindy is to blame. I had my desk in the Oval Office all neatly arranged with everything in a nice, even row. There was the button to activate the intercom, the button to remind me to take my medications and the button to launch nuclear weapons against Russia.

There wouldn’t have been a problem at all if that makeup-plastering trollop hadn’t insisted on tidying up all the time. Apparently she came into my office while I was having my morning nap and rearranged all my papers. At the same time, she mixed up the buttons.

Worst of all, she knocked my trifocals off the desk and then stepped on them. Instead of telling me, the stupid bitch just kicked the pieces under the desk and left.

The next thing I know, the office door slams, I wake up from an erotic dream about Mae West and I’m completely discombobulated. I automatically reached out to push the intercom button to tell my secretary to get her ass in here and the next thing I know all hell broke loose.

Within minutes, I’ve got Putin on the phone yelling at me about nuclear war and how he’s going to kick my bony old ass. Well, my fellow Americans, at that point I just lost it. Nobody pushes John McCain or the good ole U. S. of A. around.

The rest, as they say, is history, assuming, of course, that we’ll still have any history. But if we do, mark my words, history will show that it was that tramp Cindy who caused this mess.

Good night and may God bless America.

Hillary Heads North

Now that Barack Obama has chosen Joe Biden as his running mate, Hillary Clinton’s 2008 U. S. electoral run has officially come to an end. But just because she’s been shut out of the American campaign doesn’t mean that she’s finished for the year.

With Stephen Harper and Stephane Dion trading schoolyard dares, it seems more and more likely that Canada is heading for a fall election. And that means one more opportunity for Hillary to become a national leader.

The Clinton team has already made some initial inquiries regarding a Canadian campaign. Rumors abound that Hillary herself has contacted all the Canadian leaders with a view to leading one of the major parties in the next election.

Prime Minister Harper has rebuffed Mrs. Clinton’s entreaties but the other leaders apparently remain open to her candidacy. NDP leader Jack Layton, in particular, seems eager to welcome Hillary into his party.

"Hell, she’s more than welcome to take over from me," said Layton. "Let’s face it; we’re going to get trounced again and, frankly, it’s no more fun for me the third time than it was the first two times."

"I’ve always considered myself a liberal," said Mrs. Clinton. "So the prospect of running for a party actually called the Liberals is interesting. But since I’ve been a lifelong Democrat, representing something called, what did you say it was, the New Democratic Party, is very, very exciting."

Hillary’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, was initially reluctant to follow his wife north for a Canadian run. But informal promises that a win by his wife might result in him being appointed Governor-General apparently turned him around.

"I like the sound of that title Governor-General," said Bill. "I used to be a governor, you know, but I’ve never been a general. This way I could be both at once. Plus they tell me that there’s not a heck of a lot to do in the job, mostly opening shopping centers and kissing babes or babies. I wasn’t quite clear on that last one."

Having quickly warmed to the idea of running in the upcoming Canadian election, Hillary assured the voters that her platform remains unchanged from her U. S. campaign. She has indicated that she will continue to push for universal healthcare, an end to participation in the Iraq War and a complete renegotiation of NAFTA.

When informed that Canadians already have socialized medicine, did not send troops to Iraq and had no desire to reopen NAFTA, Clinton seemed surprised but indicated a willingness to pursue other issues.

"I’d like to see such things as tighter gun control, same-sex marriage and cheaper tuition for colleges and universities," said the U. S. senator.

"Done, done and done," said Jack Layton. "But I’m sure there are other matters of interest to you."

"Not really," said Mrs. Clinton. "That about blows my whole platform portfolio. But, hey, if you’re looking for someone to stand up to that kid Obama or that old geezer McCain, I’m your gal."

Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe reminded Mrs. Clinton that if things didn’t work out in the upcoming Canadian federal election, there was always a spot open for her as the President of an independent Quebec. Although Mrs. Clinton’s French was reportedly not very strong, she was heard to say: "C’est une possibilité. Après tout, je ne jamais dites non."

Take A Dollar, Leave A Dollar

In the wake of the latest economic downturn, the U. S. Treasury Department has taken the radical step of eliminating the one-dollar bill.

"It was just becoming too much of a nuisance," said Treasury spokesperson Buck Simoleon. "What with its declining value and the daily rise in the price of gasoline, it just didn’t make sense to keep making them."

Recent inflationary threats have made it economically impractical to produce the greenback. According to Mr. Simoleon, it now costs the Treasury Department close to ninety cents to print one.

"We just don’t think it’s worth it anymore," said Mr. Simoleon. "Especially since many people don’t even treat the dollar bill like real money."

More and more merchants have been avoiding the problem of unwanted singles by simply rounding consumer purchases up to the nearest ten dollars.

"It was such a pain to always be running to the bank to get more ones," said store owner Rhea Tale. "And half the time, the bank didn’t have any."

Apparently consumers are simply throwing their ones in empty coffee cans, old ashtrays and sock drawers. The Treasury Department has been urging citizens to keep the bills in circulation but few seem to be taking heed.

"We experimented briefly with a ‘take a dollar, leave a dollar’ tray that merchants could place at the cash register," said Mr. Simoleon. "But it seems people just can’t be bothered. A lot of folks these days won’t even bend over to pick up a dollar off the floor."

Gas stations have been particularly annoyed with the one-dollar bill. With the average gasoline purchase rapidly approaching three-figures, it is increasingly becoming a major annoyance to have to break anything smaller than a ten.

"People who come in to get gas are in a hurry," said station owner Phil R. Upp. "They don’t want to be slowed down by some store clerk trying to make exact change from a hundred. They just want to get their gas and get going."

Other nations have already tackled the one-dollar bill problem by converting their lower-denominated paper currency to coins. Canada, for example, has a one and a two-dollar coin and Great Britain has one and two-pound equivalents. However, the Treasury spokesperson did not view this as a long-term solution.

"Let’s face it," said Mr. Simoleon. "It’s even more expensive to mint a coin than to print a bill and I don’t see our dollar heading anywhere but south for the foreseeable future."
Surprisingly, most Americans seem unconcerned about the elimination of the dollar bill including President Bush.

"It’s really no big deal," said the President. "Like most Americans, we here at The White House haven’t used dollar bills for a long time now; we just put everything on credit."

Clinton Uber Alles

In an attempt to mollify supporters of Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama’s camp has agreed to allow her name to be formally entered into nomination at this week’s Democratic National convention. Mrs. Clinton has reportedly assured Obama’s people that there will be no attempts to undermine his candidacy.

A few other "minor" concessions were sought and agreed to. Hillary Clinton will address the convention in prime time on the second night. Her husband, former President Bill Clinton, will speak the following night and daughter Chelsea will likely speak after that.

Clinton supporters say that any further requests by their candidate will be trivial and inconsequential. For example, they would like to have each morning and afternoon session open with a tribute to some of America’s greatest overlooked towns including Clinton, Massachusetts; Clinton, Missouri; Clinton, Mississippi and Clinton, New York.

"We spend a lot of time celebrating our country’s major cities," said Mrs. Clinton. "But we often overlook the heartland of our great country. This would be a great way to acknowledge middle America and all the great middle Americans who have made our party what it is."

Apparently Mrs. Clinton’s inner circle has also asked that at least part of the first night of the convention be dedicated to a celebration of the life and career of DeWitt Clinton who served as the Governor of New York from 1817 to 1822.

"I think we have neglected this great American statesman for far too long," said Hillary Clinton. "After all, he was the sixth governor of my home state and the man largely responsible for the building of the Erie Canal."

The Clinton camp has also put in a request to decide on the entertainment for the final night of the convention. Rumors abound that her people have already inked a deal with musician George Clinton to be the headliner for the evening.

"I think it would be fitting to celebrate the first African-American nominee with a great black entertainer," said Mrs. Clinton. "And what better way to celebrate than to get our funk on with the man who created P-Funk and the band Funkadelic?"

Some Obama supporters have expressed concern that the various requests by Clinton will leave little time to feature Mr. Obama.

"Nonsense," said Mrs. Clinton. "As far as I know, we’ve pencilled him in for almost an entire hour early Friday morning for his acceptance speech."

"Assuming he’ll need that time," chuckled the former First Lady. "Just kidding, of course."

Duelling Confessions

In their recent joint interviews by Pastor Rick Warren at Orange County’s Saddleback Church, Presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama both revealed past indiscretions. When asked about their greatest moral failure, McCain cited his failed first marriage and Obama discussed his youthful experimentation with drugs and alcohol.

Although the candidates’ revelations seemed to satisfy the audience of evangelicals at Saddleback Church, it turns out that they did little to impress their political peers. Bill Clinton for one found their admissions to be, as he termed them, "laughable."

"A divorce, a few drinks and a little blow?" said the former President. "You call those moral failings? I call that a warm-up to a good time on a Saturday night."

Former Vice Presidential nominee John Edwards also made light of his Senate colleagues’ mea culpas.

"Look, I’m not condoning divorce or getting buzzed," said Edwards. "But that’s nothing. Hell, I cheated on my wife while she was getting treated for cancer. Mind you, she was in remission at the time."

Even George W. Bush found it hard to take the disclosures by his potential successors seriously.
"You’re talking about one guy who dumped his first wife and another guy who did a little flake before he hit university," said President Bush. "Come on; that’s nothing. I drank and did coke well into my thirties, screwed the pooch in the military and gave away the entire U. S. Treasury to my friends."

Clearly embarrassed by their mediocre confessions, McCain and Obama have begun a "moral failings" war to see who can outdo the other in the field of ethical shortcomings.

"Yes, my first marriage ended in divorce," said McCain. "But, until now, I never revealed the cause. Let’s just say it involved a hooker, handcuffs and a case of Jack Daniels."

Not to be outdone, Obama fired back with his own avowals.

"It’s time for me to come clean," said Obama. "Not only have I repeatedly cheated on my wife Michelle; I have done so with a series of Malaysian transvestites."

"Yeah, but I did it with a sheep," countered McCain.

"Just one?" said Obama.

"So far," said McCain.

Although it is expected that the battle of revelations will continue right up to November 4th, it seems unlikely that either candidate will be invited back to Saddleback Church any time soon.

The Presidential Decathlon

For two weeks, millions of Americans have been glued to their TV sets watching the world’s best athletes compete for gold. But all that will end soon. What’s a sports-addicted nation to do? Luckily, there’s one more unofficial Olympic competition to watch: the Presidential decathlon which consists of the following ten gruelling events:

Pseudo-debates
Watch as the two candidates engage in a non-debate debate. Questions are asked and even occasionally answered but no one has to actually take a stance on the issues. It’s difficult to know who really wins a pseudo-debate but so long as a candidate isn’t hit with a "knockout" blow, he definitely won’t lose.

Endorsements
It used to be that candidates had to seek and obtain the approval of one or more special interest groups. Now, however, the endorsement event is more about getting and sometimes even disavowing endorsements from religious leaders.

Sliming by proxy
Competitors will be judged on their ability to trash their opponent without really seeming to be involved. The gold standard for this event is the outstanding performance of George W. Bush’s surrogates four years ago with their hands-down-winner "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth."

Flip flopping
This is the political equivalent of the gymnastics competition. Every candidate will do one or more flips. The question is will any of these flips result in a big time flop. The trick for competitors is to make their flips look like minor shifts or to deny that they flipped at all.

Sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll
This tripartite event has tripped up more than one candidate. The trick is to come clean but not too clean. Sexual indiscretions? Sure, but they took place long ago. Drug use? Yes, but nothing too potent and nothing after age 25. As for rock ‘n roll, do not attempt this unless you’re under 50 and can actually sing, dance or play a pop instrument.

Photo-ops
This event can end in tragedy when the resulting photo has not been completely thought out. Candidates would do well to avoid such disasters as "Kerry on windsurfer" and "Dukakis in tank."

Gaffing
Coaches work with their charges for months to avoid any major verbal gaffes. Claiming Iraq shares a border with Pakistan may not be fatal but declaring communist-ruled Poland free certainly was.

Fundraising
Competitors do whatever it takes to outperform their rival in acquiring political donations even if it means turning down matching federal funds. After all, the more money a candidate has, the better he can perform in the "sliming by proxy" competition.

Gotcha
An ongoing event wherein the media tries to nail the candidates with a "gotcha" moment. This can involve a recorded statement about bitter folks clinging to their guns and religion or a temper-fuelled nasty swipe at one’s own wife.

Votes
Theoretically the deciding factor in any Presidential decathlon, ironically votes are the least important element. After all, most states are already decided before the voting even begins. And those few that aren’t get decided by everyone but the voters.

McCain Forgets Running Mate Pick

Looking to capture the momentum from Barack Obama, presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain today planned to announce his vice presidential running mate. Unfortunately, Senator McCain forgot who he had chosen.

"I had the name right here," said McCain pointing to his shirt pocket. "But then I took the shirt off, put it in the laundry hamper and now I can’t find it."

Blaming the snafu on his wife Cindy, the aging Arizona senator berated his wife for her overly-zealous cleaning habits.

"If she’d just leave things well enough alone," said McCain. "I could have found that shirt and found the slip of paper with my vice presidential pick on it. But now that it’s gone through the wash, you can barely read what’s on it."

Campaign aides have been of little assistance since none was clearly informed of the senator’s choice for running mate. Apparently McCain did tell his team that he had chosen "some guy" and that he had definitely decided that it wouldn’t be that "jerk Huckabee." But apart from that, McCain’s supporters have no more clue as to who he had chosen than McCain himself.

Normally a presidential candidate confers with potential running mates before making his selection. However, in this case, none of the leading contenders would confirm or deny having been asked to run by McCain.

"I think he called me last week," said 84-year old Alaska Senator Ted Stephens. "But that was so long ago and I can’t recall what the heck we spoke about. I think John mentioned something about getting together for the early bird special at The Olive Garden near the Capitol Building to discuss something important but I can’t say for sure. In fact, as I recall, I fell asleep that day and missed our dinner meeting altogether."

The McCain campaign team has decided to postpone the vice presidential announcement until next week. It’s hoped that this will give the senator time to either remember who he picked or to find his misplaced reading glasses to help him read the paper that went through the wash.

According to McCain, they should be right next to his pill bottles where he always leaves them. Unless, of course, his wife Cindy moved them again.

Obama And McCain Make Surprising Picks

This one appeared on the Op-Ed page of yesterday's Baltimore Sun:

With Sen. Barack Obama retaining a slight lead in the polls, Sen. John McCain today threw caution to the wind and made one of the most audacious running-mate choices in American political history. Seeking to gain the most media exposure bang for the buck, the Arizona senator and presumptive Republican presidential nominee has asked Ronald Reagan to join his ticket.

"I carefully considered all the possible candidates," said Mr. McCain. "And it was clear to me that Reagan beat them all, hands down. None of these guys today can hold a candle to the Gipper, dead or alive."

When questioned about Ronald Reagan's current breathing abilities, Senator McCain became visibly annoyed and reacted angrily.

"Yeah, duh, he's dead," said Mr. McCain. "So frigging what? He's going to be the vice president. It's not like we're asking him to do anything productive."

Further questioned about the constitutional hurdles his choice in the veepstakes faces, Mr. McCain turned a beet red and exploded at the assembled press corps.

"Read the document," shouted Mr. McCain. "Where in the Constitution does it say that the vice president has to be living? As far as I know, all he has to be is a native-born American who's at least 35 years old. Done and done."

At great personal risk, one reporter dared ask the senator about whether or not Mr. Reagan had agreed to run as vice president. Mr. McCain's aides physically restrained him from pulling a gun on the reporter as he screamed his reply.

"Of course he agreed," yelled Mr. McCain. "Do you think I'd be announcing his addition to the ticket if he didn't agree? Haven't you ever heard of the concept that silence implies consent? Well I think most people have, and when I put the question to Ronnie, he was about as silent as you can get."

The addition of Mr. Reagan to the Republican ticket is expected to buttress Mr. McCain's support among several key demographic groups, including Florida seniors, Reagan Democrats and the legion of dead voters in select Chicago precincts.

To counter Mr. McCain's surprise move, Barack Obama made his own unconventional choice for a vice presidential running mate: himself.

"That's right," said Senator Obama. "After vetting the short list of potential Democrats, it was blindingly obvious that I was by far the most qualified."

When questioned about the impossibility of succeeding himself as president if he dies in office, Mr. Obama assured American voters that in the unlikely event that he did die, he could just about guarantee a resurrection by the third day.

Unclear On The Concept

Up until recently, Canada was committed to the Kyoto Protocol on Climate Change. We had promised to reduce our greenhouse gas emissions to six percent below our 1990 levels. Instead, we are 25 percent above those levels with little hope of reaching them in the near future.

Part of our national plan was the voluntary One-Tonne Challenge which urged each citizen to change his daily habits in order to effect a one metric tonne reduction in carbon dioxide emissions. Now that program has been scrapped.

The One-Tonne Challenge was a great idea. I suspect it failed primarily because many Canadians were simply unclear on the concept. For example, the following do not count towards your personal emissions reduction goal:

* Putting a spoiler on your sit-down mower.
* Taking the van instead of the SUV to the corner store.
* Barbecuing indoors.
* Mixing ten percent ethanol with your morning orange juice.
* Installing an outdoor, solar-powered, battery-operated thermometer.
* Talking on the phone and/or putting on makeup while driving.
* Rolling stops at intersections to save on brakes.
* Using your electric can opener during off-peak hours.
* Drying your clothes outdoors on an electrically-powered rotating clothes line.
* Turning the air conditioner in your garage up one degree.
* Putting a muffler on your leaf blower.

Double Dog Dare

Prime Minister Harper has thrown down the gauntlet and dared Stephane Dion to "fish or cut bait" and force an election. The ball is now in Dion’s court and all of Canada is waiting to see if he can avoid the ultimate playground embarrassment.

But wait; what’s this? Can it be? Yes, Stephane Dion has issued a formal "double dare" to Harper to bring a vote of non-confidence himself. Harper is taken by surprise but continues to stand his ground.

Then with his own surprising counter move, Harper informs Dion that he "double dog dares" him to force an election. The media is aghast at this bold action and waits breathlessly for the Opposition Leader’s response.

Dion initially appears startled, not knowing how to answer this historically unprecedented challenge. Will he seek an election or risk being the laughingstock of the entire Canadian schoolyard?

Dion tries talking his way out of this unexpected impasse. He blames Harper for the situation and taunts the Prime Minister with sophisticated jibes about his personal hygiene and his mother’s preferred type of military footwear.

Harper, who had the upper hand, is caught slightly off guard. He forgets that he had issued a "double dog dare" and foolishly engages in the trading of insults. In the heat of the moment, the best he can come up with are "tax and spend Liberal", "government program lover" and "poopy head."

Sensing that the Prime Minister has fallen for his trap, Dion hits him with the traditional "What you say is what you are!"

Visibly shaken, Harper appears to be on the verge of tears. But his face instantly brightens as he remembers a classic counter insult. Dion is staggered by the powerful "I’m rubber, you’re glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"

The reporters walk away as the two combatants continue to engage in verbal sparring.

"Bait cutter!"

"Corporation lover!"

"Green shifter!"

"Carbon hog!"

As the sun sets over the political playground, it is clear that Canadians looking for an electoral donnybrook will have to wait for another day.

Bush Picks Books For His Library

As the final months of his second term wind down, President Bush is finding that he has more and more free time on his hands. And much of that free time is being spent planning for his presidential library.

"To be honest, I wasn’t that keen on a library at first," said the President. "I’ve never been much of a reader. But apparently Congress won’t authorize funds for a presidential bait and tackle shop."

However, the more President Bush considered the library option, the more he reportedly warmed to the idea. As things now stand, the final building plans are basically complete and all that remains is the selection of books.

"You know, I’ve been pretty busy being president," said Mr. Bush. "And consequently I haven’t had time to read everything that passed by my desk or even finish the odd book that I started."
Number one on the President’s catalogue list is "The Pet Goat."

"Yeah, I started reading that one on 9/11 as I recall," said Mr. Bush. "But I never got a chance to finish it. I’d sure like to know how it ends."

"Another volume I’d like to read is that presidential daily briefing Condi’s always talking about," said Bush. "You know the one entitled ‘Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S.’ I hear it’s got a lot of interesting stuff in it."

"Then there’s that book Bill Clinton gave me just before I took office," said Bush. "It’s called ‘Presidenting for Dummies.’ I never did get a chance to read it. Maybe when I retire I can finally have a look at it."

"There’s lots of other books I’d like to read when I get time," said the President. "Ones like that UN report about the absence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and that National Intelligence Estimate report that supposedly says Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program five years ago."

But until President Bush leaves office, Vice President Cheney has advised him against reading outdated volumes such as those and to instead concentrate on the tasks at hand like handing out more tax cuts and untendered contracts to his friends.

"Until January 20th, I’m just not going to have time to read much of anything," said President Bush. "Frankly, I’ll be lucky to finish the book sitting on my night stand called ‘My Lame Duck’."

Obama and McCain Deal With the Age Issue

This year’s Presidential election presents a number of striking contrasts. Barack Obama is a black, liberal Democrat whereas John McCain is a white, conservative Republican. But perhaps the most striking difference between the candidates is their age.

Soon to be 72, John McCain is even older than Ronald Reagan when he first became President. And that presents problems for the Republicans in attracting the youth vote in the upcoming election.

On the other hand, Barack Obama is only 46. Some are questioning whether a candidate that young and inexperienced is ready to take over the Oval Office.

Both candidates, however, have a plan to deal with the age issue.

"First of all," said Senator Obama. "I won’t be the youngest President ever. Teddy Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton were all younger than me when they took office. Not bad company, if I do say so myself."

But just to be safe, Obama is considering other tactics to give his candidacy a touch of gravitas and seniority.

"I’m going to start talking in a lower voice," said Obama. "And, if possible, I’ll be speaking even slower than I do now. I may even start pretending to forget a few words here and there."

If that doesn’t work, the Obama campaign has some other aging tactics available. Look for the freshman senator to start wearing bowties and suspenders and to sprinkle his speeches with phrases like "when I was a kid", "they don’t make ‘em like that anymore" and "hey, you young punks, get off my lawn!"

Working from the opposite pole, John McCain has a few tricks up his aging sleeve as well.

"You’re only as old as you appear," said the presumptive Republican nominee. "And I aim to appear a whole lot younger by picking a really old guy as my Vice Presidential running mate."
While McCain’s plan has merit, it may be difficult to implement given the paucity of potential candidates older than him.

"West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd would be great," said McCain. "He’s 90 and would make me look like a kid. Trouble is he’s a Democrat and a former Ku Klux Klan member."

"I could always choose that 84-year old Alaskan nutbar Ted Stephens," said the Arizona senator. "But then I don’t look young, I just look crazy."

"When it comes right down to it," said McCain. "If I want to capture the support of young people in their fifties and sixties, I’m just going to have to be more with it, more hip, so to speak."

In order to court that essential youth demographic, McCain is heavily lobbying organizations that might be able to help including the AAA, the AARP and the Arthur Murray dance studios.

"If I can just learn their favorite music and their trendy new dance steps," said McCain. "I’m a shoe-in for The White House. I hear a lot of them like the Beatles and that crazy new dance - what’s it called? - oh, yeah, the Twist."

Luckily for McCain, he still has two years left in his current Senate term.

The Epistle From Steve

Christians have long been relying on the Book of Revelations for signs of the coming apocalypse. But a recently discovered apocryphal text entitled the Epistle from Steve may be a more accurate guide to the future as shown by these eerily predictive verses:

Chapter 1, verses 6-7
"When will we know that the time has come?" cried the people. But Jesus would not answer them directly but spoke only in riddles.
"You will know that my return is at hand when you have twice elected the one who should not be elected," said Jesus. "And you have finally repented and learned the error of your ways."

Chapter 2, verses 2-4
And Jesus said that the signs of his return would be many. "The world will be fraught with confusion," said the Lord. "You will not know if an apple is an apple or a phone. You will no longer see through all Windows. And a Facebook will be neither face nor book."

Chapter 3, verse 4
And it came to pass in the eighth year of the reign of W that there were two men vying for the king’s chair, one an ancient senator with white hair and hot temper and another who was half American and half African yet not African-American.

Chapter 6, verses 11-12
And God gave the people a sign to know when the time of reckoning would be nigh. He would send a prophet to the twice-named city by the sea. And the prophet would hold a Rod in his hand and would kneel before the Madonna. Yet the Madonna would not see the Rod.
One named Peter would fall from grace and become estranged from his wife named Christie. His sins of the flesh would be many and would be broadcast to the assembled multitudes.

Chapter 7, verses 16-17
Verily, the sound of the markets falling was deafening. And even though the rulers intervened, the marketplace could not be saved.
Lo, behold the ones that have failed the Lord for they will be buried beneath the rubble of the marketplace. Their names are legion but chief among them are Fannie and Freddie. And God spoke unto them and said: "A house of subprime mortgages cannot stand."

Chapter 9, verses 22-24
And the crowd gathered before Jesus and begged him to anoint them with oil. And Jesus did anoint each of them in turn because the oil was cheap and plentiful.
"Be this your blessing," said the Lord. "But beware that the day will come when the oil will be rare and only those of wealth will be anointed."
But the people laughed and could not believe what Jesus was saying for surely the oil would last forever.

Cheney Wins 2008 Election

NOVEMBER 4, 2008

It’s official. Dirk Cheney has won the 2008 U. S. Presidential election. Contacted at his home in Lexington, Kentucky, Mr. Cheney expressed surprise and dismay.

"I really don’t know what to say," said the retired back-hoe operator. "I didn’t even know I was running. I sure hope this don’t affect my pension."

Apparently Mr. Cheney’s unexpected victory was the direct result of the no-bid contract given last December to Haliburton to provide the electronic voting machines for this year’s election. At a hastily called press conference, company spokesperson I. M. Rich did his best to explain the surprising turn of events.

"Without prejudging Dirk Cheney’s qualifications for The White House," said Mr. Rich. "It does seem a bit odd that a heretofore unknown retired construction worker could be elected to the highest office in the nation."

When asked to comment on the strange coincidence that the new President-elect’s last name is the same as that of the current Vice President, Mr. Rich replied with a terse "No comment."
The fact that Dirk Cheney tallied roughly twice as many votes as both John McCain and Barack Obama has raised suspicions even among the news media.

"Something seems fishy," said CBS anchor Katie Couric. "Although I can’t quite put my finger on it."

FOX News has so far been silent on the issue although Sean Hannity reportedly is warming to the idea of President Dirk Cheney.

"So long as it’s not that jerk Obama," said Hannity. "I’m OK with just about anybody else."

Apart from the news media, speculation is rampant that Haliburton may have rigged the electronic voting machines to allow for an automatic write-in vote for Vice President Cheney. Mr. Rich denies that this happened but a recently leaked company memo suggests otherwise. The memo in question is marked TOP SECRET and details plans to alter the configuration of the voting machines to allow for every second vote to automatically default to "Dirk Cheney."

But for the minor typo, it appears that Vice President Cheney might have won the election in a landslide. However, all is not lost for the Vice President since he has reportedly placed a call to his namesake Dirk Cheney offering to fill the second spot in the new Administration.

"Hell, who needs to be President," said Dick Cheney. "So long as I’m Vice President, I can still run the country."

Alberta's New Plate Motto

Albertans tend to be opinionated, ornery folk. And if there’s one thing that riles an Albertan, it’s somebody trying to change the slogan on his license plate.

Premier Ed Stelmach’s government is apparently looking to change the province’s plate motto from "Wild Rose Country" to "Strong and Free" which is the English translation of the official provincial motto "Fortis et Liber." But a recent survey indicates most Albertans want to stick with the current phrase.

Perhaps Premier Stelmach and his advisors should have considered other options that might have been more popular. Options such as "Oil’s Well With Us", "Crude to the Last Drop" and "Because We Can." They’d likely even garner more support for candidates like "Ottawa Sucks", "Freeze in the Dark" and "We Still Hate Trudeau."

But why restrict this exercise to Alberta? Other provinces need an update on their license plate slogans, too. How about these new provincial plate mottos?:

Newfoundland and Labrador: Cod Help Us
Nova Scotia: Canada’s Pogey Playground
New Brunswick: Just Passing Through
Prince Edward Island: Spuds ‘N Suds
Québec: Canada’s National Province
Ontario: We Know Best
Manitoba: Wheat, Water & Winnipeg
Saskatchewan: Even Tommy Douglas Left
British Columbia: Everyone Ends Up Here Eventually

And while we’re at it, let’s give an overhaul to our national motto as well. Let’s face it, "a mare usque ad mare" is definitely outdated. Not only is it in a dead language, it’s not even accurate since we’re bordered by three seas, not just two.

Forget the Latin slogan. Instead, let’s come up with something new, something jazzy, something more reflective of our national identity. Like one of these candidates:

* We’re NOT Americans!
* One Nation Underdog
* Canada: The Committee-Created Country
* Corn Flakes / Flocons de Mais
* We Ì Asymmetrical Federalism
* The 19th Century Belongs to Us
* We’re Number Two!
* We Actually Like Curling
* Peace, Order and Lots and Lots of Government
* Two Loonies Make a Twonie
* Canada: The Dysfunctional Mosaic
* Mounties, Maples and Medicare
* Skates, Skis and Ski-Doos
* Ten Provinces and a Lot of Empty Space
* It’s Not So Bad, Eh?
* Two Months of Tough Sledding
* Deux ou Trois Nations
* The Defederated Federation
* Alberta Plus

Do You Remember When?

Every few weeks I get a "Do you remember the 50s?" e-mail. You know the ones. They’re paeans to the good old days when men were men, women were women and life was always better. But where are the realistic fifties e-mails? The ones that tell the rest of the story. Ones like this:

If you’re old enough to remember Nehi grape soda and Studebakers with tailfins, you probably grew up in the fifties, the absolute best time there ever was in the whole wide world. As a child of the fifties, you’ll remember:

* Swimming in the neighborhood city pool on hot, sweaty summer days except, of course, for the times the pool was closed during the polio epidemics.

* Eating at the drugstore lunch counter where you’d get the chololatiest chocolate malted milkshake you could ever imagine and you never had to worry about sitting next to one of those pesky Negroes.

* Riding in your uncle’s ‘57 Chevy convertible with the top down, feeling the wind in your hair and the dashboard crashing into your head since no one worried bout silly things like seat belts.

* Drinking as much beer as you could hold and then driving your friend’s car as fast as you could because no one made a fuss about something as common as drinking and driving.

* Listening to the song stylings of singers like Pat Boone, Bill Haley and Elvis Presley without being concerned about the black original artists who they stole from.

* Watching Billy get into trouble at school for throwing spitballs and then getting the strap from the teacher until his knuckles bled.

* Laughing at stupid Bobby until he cried because he could never read properly and nobody knew what a learning disability was.

* Watching the Army-McCarthy hearings on your black and white TV and being thankful that Senator Joe McCarthy was protecting America from those godless commies including the ones who wouldn’t name names.

* Listening to Father McGuire preach about love and respect after he had just molested one of the altar boys in the sacristy.

* Making fun of Steve and calling him a fairy, a pansy and a homo and not even feeling sorry after he committed suicide because no one cared about gays.

* Smiling when little Susie said she wanted to grow up to be a doctor because everyone knew it was silly to think a girl could do that.

* Calling kids funny names like kike and spic and wop because they were different and it was a fun thing to do.

If you can remember any or all of these things, then you remember the fifties and, if you gave it a moment’s thought, you’d be glad those "good old days" are over.

Less Filling v. Tastes Great

The conservative majority of the U.S. Supreme Court has once again moved the country to the right. In a surprising 5-4 split decision, the Court struck down a Washington, D. C. law banning handguns. Less noticed were a spate of other conservative split decisions which will likewise dramatically transform American society.

First up on the docket was Coke v. Pepsi, an ongoing dispute that has threatened for years to irreparably divide the nation. In a 5-4 split decision, the Court narrowly ruled in favor of the traditional pause that refreshes. Writing for the conservative majority, Chief Justice Roberts cited Coca-Cola’s longer history and distinctive bottle shape in ruling for the Atlanta-based beverage.

"It may not be as American as apple pie," wrote the Chief Justice. "But it’s clearly the next best thing. Plus, as far as I’m concerned, things really do go better with Coke."

In another leading beverage case (Less Filling v. Tastes Great), the Court again split along ideological lines in favor of the appellant. Voting 5-4, the Court wasted little time in reversing the lower court’s ruling in favor of Tastes Great.

"It’s light beer," wrote Justice Antonin Scalia for the conservative majority. "I’m not saying it tastes bad but it would be a travesty of justice to hold that it tastes great."

Boldly tackling the leading pop music issue of the day, the Court also handed down its decision in ‘N Sync v. Backstreet Boys. Given the proliferation of boy bands, it was essential that the nation’s top jurists give direction to this current musical trend.

In yet another 5-4 decision, the Court ruled in favor of ‘N Sync. Citing earlier precedents in Lettermen v. Crewcuts, Four Tops v. Temptations and Beatles v. Dave Clark Five, Mr. Justice Kennedy, writing for the majority, cited ‘N Sync’s superior harmonies and boyish good looks as determinative.

In the world of fast food, the Supreme Court took on the thorny case of Domino’s v. Pizza Hut. Again splitting along ideological lines (the conservative "eat-ins" vs. the more liberal "take-outs"), the Court ruled 5-4 for the respondent.

"We know Pizza Hut. We like Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut rules," wrote Justice Clarence Thomas for the majority. "And therefore we rule for Pizza Hut."

Given its heavy workload, the Supreme Court was unable to hear a number of other pressing matters of popular interest this term. However, it is likely that space will be cleared on the upcoming fall docket for such important cases as Leno v. Letterman, Fahrenheit v. Celsius and Smart Bush v. Dumb Bush.

The Story Of W

An excerpt from "The Story of W", an anonymous insider’s tell-all account of the Bush Administration:

It’s time to tear the cover off the Bush Administration and I’m just the guy to do it. But just to be safe, I’m going to use a sudanym or a name de plumy or whatever the heck you call it. I’m going to write under an assumed name; that’s all I’m saying.

I can’t tell you who I am but I can tell you that I had a fairly responsible position in The White House. I didn’t make any of the major decisions but I was there when some of them were made.
Now a lot of people are picking on President Bush. They’re saying that he’s a bad guy, that he didn’t really apply himself and that he made a lot of bad choices.

That’s really unfair and I resent those characterizations. Not because it’s got anything to do with me but because they’re unfair criticisms of George W. Bush who I happen to know is a great guy.

Everyone’s always blaming Mr. Bush for things like Iraq, Afghanistan, Katrina, tax cuts for the rich, the huge national debt, the high price of gasoline and on and on and on. That’s just not fair. Heck, most of the time, the President didn’t even know about those things.

From what I can tell, it was guys like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld who were stirring up all the trouble. I think they were doing all the thinking and planning and deciding and then, after the fact, they’d tell the President what they’d done. But by then, it was too late and he had to take responsibility or they threatened to tell everyone how things really worked in The White House. At least that’s the way I remember it.

What’s really unfair is that those guys got to leave without taking all the blame. First Donald Rumsfeld jumped ship and then Karl Rove bailed out. I think the only reason that Dick Cheney stayed is he figured the president might resign, too, and then he’d get to take over. But I fooled him on that one or I mean the president fooled him on that one.

Life On Mars

Since landing on the surface of Mars in May, the Phoenix lander has been sending back detailed information about the red planet. Not only has it discovered the existence of water, it has now also discovered actual life on Mars.

President Bush addressed the nation regarding this momentous scientific discovery and provided more details about the amazing find. According to the President, the Phoenix lander has identified actual Martian mammalian life in the form of giant, grey squirrels.

"I am pleased to announce that American space technology has succeeded once again," said President Bush. "And we now know that there is life on Mars."

Apparently the Martian squirrels are much like Earth-based squirrels except that they are ten times bigger and capable of interplanetary travel. Pictures beamed back from the lander reportedly provide evidence that the interstellar rodents have recently travelled to Earth.

"The Martian squirrels have visited us," said the President. "And returned to their home planet with many surprising items."

In fact, the hordes of Earth items found on Mars include the answers to a number of recent mysteries.

"These Martian squirrels apparently took several bags of uncounted Florida votes from the 2000 election," said Bush. "And Phoenix’s camera has sent back images suggesting that the vast majority of those votes were for me."

The President went on to explain that the giant Martian squirrels had also stashed away some yellowcake uranium from Niger.

"It turns out that our intelligence was right all along," said Mr. Bush. "There was yellowcake uranium destined for Iraq. It’s just that those darned squirrels intercepted it and took it back with them to Mars."

According to President Bush, the most surprising find from the Phoenix lander images is the existence just below the surface of Mars of giant stashes of weapons of mass destruction. Arabic writing on the weapons leaves little doubt that they were originally from Iraq.

"Those danged giant squirrels found Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction before we did," said Bush. "And took them home to Mars on their spaceships."

President Bush stated that he felt completely vindicated in the decisions he made since 2000 and asked for an apology from those who doubted the wisdom of his actions. Joining him at the Presidential podium was a giant Martian squirrel who confirmed all of the President’s statements. In another remarkable coincidence, the giant squirrel sounded almost like Vice President Cheney.

The Couillard Pandemic

News item: An editorial in The Canadian Medical Association Journal states that Canada is the worst prepared of the developed countries to deal with the next pandemic.

Ottawa has been hit hard by a highly contagious strain of influenza called the Couillard Flu. Medical experts fear this may be the long-awaited pandemic. If so, it appears the government has failed to take adequate measures to protect itself from this new bug.

"This Couillard strain appears to be very dangerous," said Canada’s Chief Medical Office Dr. Seymour Butts. "If you have any contact with the virus, you will quickly become infected and, within 48 to 72 hours, almost certainly lose your job."

Although the new flu strain (also known as the Biker Flu) is highly toxic, there are steps that can be taken to reduce the risk of infection. The Chief Medical Officer is urging those in government to wash their hands and their money frequently and to avoid any insecure intimate personal contact. They are further advised not to leave any personal effects or papers lying about which could lead to rapid exposure.

"If you suspect you may have been exposed to the Couillard virus," said Dr. Butts. "Seek immediate political attention and do not speak to or associate with any MPs, cabinet members or senior officials."

The Couillard strain is so strong that virtually everyone who comes in contact with it will suffer severe consequences. Once it infects the patient, the course of the disease is rapid and certain.
"Initially there is a tendency for those exposed to Couillard to deny that they have been in contact with the virus," said Dr. Butts. "But when faced with the evidence of their condition, they eventually accept the inevitable."

Epidemiologists fear that the Couillard Flu may rival the Spanish Influenza of ninety years ago. Even young, healthy bureaucrats are not immune although, to date, it has only struck down males.

"The fear is that this strain may be as bad as the Munsinger Flu of fifty years ago," said Dr. Butts. "And that it may rapidly spread and bring down the entire government."

At first the Couillard Flu appeared to be restricted to senior government cabinet ministers. But now it has also spread to the executive ranks of the bureaucracy and threatens to infect the Prime Minister’s Office.

Prime Minister Harper has urged Ottawa’s medical community to come up with a vaccination to counter this new deadly pandemic. So far, experts have been unsuccessful in doing so although they have made some progress in identifying those who have immunity.

"We are encouraged to note that large segments of the Ottawa community apparently remain uninfected," said Canada’s Chief Medical Officer. "Including those who do not form the government and those who have ethical standards and a high resistance to undue influence."

"Whatever the course of this new pandemic, two things are certain," said Dr. Butts. "It will run its course and it will eventually happen again."

Harper v. World

Stephen Harper’s lawsuit against senior Liberals for libel regarding the Chuck Cadman affair is apparently the first one launched by a sitting prime minister. But if the Ottawa rumor mill can be believed, it won’t be his last. Look for these upcoming lawsuits by our litigious leader:

Harper v. CBC
Stephen Harper is known to be a big hockey fan but not a fan of the CBC. That’s why he’s taking the People’s Network to court over their bungled negotiations to secure continuing rights to the "Hockey Night in Canada" theme song. For losing the iconic tune to CTV, Harper wants CBC to pay and pay big. The PM is reportedly asking for unspecified damages and an order in the nature of prohibition preventing the "pinko" network from ever saying mean things about him again.

Harper v. Cabinet
Known as the ultimate Canadian micro-manager, Stephen Harper is now looking to formalize his tight control over the federal cabinet. After the Maxime Bernier affair, the Prime Minister is loathe to allow any MP to achieve and wield ministerial power. He will therefore be seeking a series of injunctions stopping any minister of the Crown form acting without Mr. Harper’s personal OK.

Harper v. Clark
Harper missed the recent hanging of the official portrait of former Prime Minister Joe Clark in Parliament’s Centre Block. It’s clear, however, that that’s the only Clark hanging he would want to miss. But until that unlikely day, the current PM is doing the next best thing: taking Joe Clark to court to stop him from reminding voters of what the Tories used to be. Harper is looking for an all-purpose gag order to prevent Mr. Clark from using the terms "social progressive", "red Tory" or "Progressive Conservative" ever again.

Harper v. Canadian Media
Whether it’s radio, TV or print, the Prime Minister has no use for Canada’s media. Although he recognizes that they are a necessary nuisance, he’s taking them to court to ensure that they pick on everyone but him. Mr. Harper is asking for an order giving him final approval on any quote or photograph with an option to Photoshop any of the latter to remove excess fat and/or down vests.

Harper v. Black
Mr. Harper has no particular beef against Conrad Black. In fact, in many ways, he finds Mr. Black a commendable fellow. But the PM knows the law of the jungle - i.e. - the spoils go to the meanest, nastiest s.o.b. Mr. Harper figures if he sues the Lord of Litigation, no one will have the nerve to go after him for years to come.

Harper v. Canadian Electorate
The Prime Minister has apparently reached the end of his political rope with Canadian voters. No matter what he does, he can’t seem to get more than 37% of us to support his party. Rather than continue trying to appeal to the electorate with more GST reductions and family-related tax credits, he will be asking the Federal Court of Canada for an order of mandamus compelling at least an additional 10% of voters to cast their ballots for the Tories in order to obtain that elusive majority government he so longs for.

Is Nothing Sacred?

Is nothing sacred? Apparently not as the CBC jettisons the Hockey Night in Canada theme song and opts instead to launch a $100,000 contest to pick a successor tune.

But is it really as simple as that? Can the CBC simply dump the "Dum-da-dum-da-da" song and replace it with something else?

Of course they can. But beware; if CBC management can get away with this egregious assault on our common culture, there’s no telling where it will end.

If the song goes then so, too, might other icons of the ice. If "Dah-da-dah-da-dah" is no more then it’s only a matter of time until we can say goodbye to "Coach’s Corner" as well.

After all, six years ago the CBC was ready to dump everyone’s favorite second banana Ron MacLean. And wasn’t it just four short years ago that it looked like the CBC wasn’t going to renew the contract of our national clown Don Cherry? If "Doo-do-do-doo-do" is gone, then what’s to stop the People’s Network from giving the boot to Canada’s most beloved duo since Rusty and Jerome?

And that’s just the beginning. If the CBC has its way, the HNIC theme’s swan song will be the first in a never-ending series of changes to everything that binds us together as Canadians.
If "Da-da-da-da-dah" goes then, just as surely as the first intermission follows the first period, you can also say goodbye to Bob Cole. Like the song, he’s been around for forty years and maybe, to those at the CBC, is starting to show his age.

But what would "Hockey Night in Canada" be without the sonorous, somnolent tones and the obvious oversights and omissions of our nation’s favorite play-by-play man? Except for the late, great Forster Hewitt, there’s no better Leafs-lover to butcher the language and mangle the play calling than our own Mr. Hockey.

But that won’t be the end of it. With the song, Ron, Don and Bob gone, it won’t be long before the CBC remakes the entire game.

With its broadcasting clout, the network may well force the NHL to change some rules. If the CBC brass have their way, we could easily see the end of fighting in hockey and the reduction of our national sport to a pitiful display of skating, passing and shooting.

The CBC must be stopped now. If they can kill our beloved "Da-da-da-dah-duh-dah", there’s no telling what damage they can do to the game we love.

Hillary's First Draft

First draft of Hillary Clinton’s concession speech found in her office wastebasket:

It is time. It is time for our campaign to take stock of what we have accomplished and to acknowledge the hard work of thousands of volunteers who brought us so close to the nomination. Without your tireless efforts, I could not be standing here before you today.

And it is time for healing. In the thrust and parry of electoral politics, harsh words are spoken and things are said which perhaps ought not to have been said. But it is time to put all that behind us and move on.

Most of all, it is time to come together and consolidate our gains and move forward. I know many of you are disappointed that we lost to a younger, less-experienced male. But we must not dwell on the negative. We are bigger than that.

I know some of you have been urging me to consider the vice presidential nomination. You’ve argued that this would make for a stronger ticket. You’ve said that this would still be a great victory for our campaign, that being the nation’s first Vice President would strike a blow for women everywhere.

I have listened to your pleas and I have been touched and swayed by them. You are right; we have come too far to not make our great campaign stand for something. History will judge me harshly if I do not seize this opportunity now.

Yes, it is time. It is time to acknowledge that Senator Obama has achieved a majority of the delegates needed to claim the Democratic presidential nomination, albeit a bare majority.

Nevertheless, I do not want it to be said that I unduly prolonged this already far too lengthy race by continuing to claim the real victories of most votes won, most important states won and most white, redneck male supporters.

Never let it be said that Hillary Rodham Clinton didn’t know when to quit. Never let it be said that I caused damage to the Democratic Party. But never let it be said that I ever gave up on the dream.

And so I congratulate Senator Obama on his victory and I wish him well in the future. And, yes, I will take that offer of the vice presidential nomination, just not from you Barack.

I have instead accepted John McCain’s generous offer to run with him on the Republican ticket. After all, the man is almost 72 years old and his health is questionable at best. I figure the chances are pretty good that, if we’re elected, I’ll be able to take over in the next two or three years. And then Bill can become Vice President and the dream can finally be realized.

Good night and God bless America.

On Beyond 27

Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the TV again, Congress has run amuck and changed the rules of the Presidential election. Now, instead of two Democratic contenders and one presumptive Republican nominee, the field may once again be crowded with new White House wannabes.

It all started in a drunken, late night joint session on Capitol Hill where two-thirds of the House and Senate passed Constitutional amendments just for the heck of it.

First to get approval was the 28th Amendment or as it is now known, Arnie’s Law. It does away with the provision that the President must be a native born American. As a consequence of this rash act, everybody from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Zsa Zsa Gabor has declared their intention to seek the presidency.

But Congress didn’t stop there. After a two-hour chugging contest started by Senator Larry Craig and six rounds of shooters paid for by Nancy Pelosi, the two houses managed to pass Amendment number 29 which will eliminate the age requirement for President.

Being younger than 35 will no longer be an impediment to having one’s finger on the nuclear button. Upon hearing this, every video game-playing teen and techno-dork from Miami to Seattle tossed their ballcap into the presidential ring.

Before the night was over, Congress went right over the top with the 30th Amendment. Some say it was the six-pack of Jamaican spliffs handed out by Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut but it may well have been the mescaline-laced prune juice passed around by California’s Senator Diane Feinstein.

Whatever the cause, the result was disastrous since the 30th Amendment serves to repeal the 20th Amendment which set term limits on the presidency. Upon hearing the news, Bill Clinton shoved Hillary aside and made a mad dash to register his candidacy for the upcoming Democratic convention. Not far behind was George W. Bush looking to three-peat for the Republicans and Papa Bush trying once again for that elusive second term. Even Jimmy Carter forewent his afternoon nap to put his name forward for the nomination.

Luckily, the electoral chaos was short-lived as someone took the time to actually read the Constitution which requires that for any of these amendments to take effect, they must be passed by three-fourths of the state legislatures. Both Arnold and Bill said they’re prepared to wait.

How To Spend Your $600

Americans are starting to receive checks in the mail for their one-time 2008 tax rebate. For most, that means an extra $600 to do with as they please. But many are still wondering how to spend their upcoming windfall. Maybe they can be guided by what some other folks have already decided.

Coffee drinker Gary Dingledine of Queens knows where his rebate is going. With an extra two dollars a day to spend, Mr. Dingledine hopes to replace his daily morning tall coffee at Starbucks with a venti white mocha frappuccino.

Disgruntled investor Harvey Newman of Teaneck, New Jersey is looking to wallpaper his apartment on the cheap. Mr. Newman figures $600 can buy him 60,000 subprime mortgage certificates and a bucket of paste.

SUV owner Edith Bramwell of White Plains, N.Y. is thrilled with her $600 refund. She’s looking forward to once again using the words "fill ‘er up" at her local gas station, at least for the month of June.

Frustrated traveller Maurice Rosenberg of San Francisco figures his $600 check will finally allow him to cover all the additional charges and buy one of those $99 bargain airfares. With luck, he may even have enough left over to check two pieces of baggage.

Noted polygamist Warren Jeffs doesn’t figure he can do much with his $600 stimulus check. But since there’s an extra $300 payment for each child, Jeffs is hoping that the additional $120,000 will help spring him from jail.

Senator Larry Craig of Idaho has earmarked his $600 check for new vanity license plates. He’ll be trading in his old SEN IDA plates for either NOT GAY or TAP 2X.

Bill Gates has his eye on a supply of new batteries for his calculator. The Microsoft Chairman figures he’s going to need them in order to calculate how many billions he’ll make from the real tax cuts.

John McCain made no secret of where his $600 was going. The putative Republican presidential nominee has invested the entire amount in Metamucil and support hose.

Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama will be using his government windfall to change his middle name. Unfortunately, the only names available were Hitler, Stalin and bin Laden.
The tax rebate check couldn’t have come at a better time for Hillary Clinton. She’ll use it to reduce her campaign debt to $20,999,400.