Obama And McCain Make Surprising Picks

This one appeared on the Op-Ed page of yesterday's Baltimore Sun:

With Sen. Barack Obama retaining a slight lead in the polls, Sen. John McCain today threw caution to the wind and made one of the most audacious running-mate choices in American political history. Seeking to gain the most media exposure bang for the buck, the Arizona senator and presumptive Republican presidential nominee has asked Ronald Reagan to join his ticket.

"I carefully considered all the possible candidates," said Mr. McCain. "And it was clear to me that Reagan beat them all, hands down. None of these guys today can hold a candle to the Gipper, dead or alive."

When questioned about Ronald Reagan's current breathing abilities, Senator McCain became visibly annoyed and reacted angrily.

"Yeah, duh, he's dead," said Mr. McCain. "So frigging what? He's going to be the vice president. It's not like we're asking him to do anything productive."

Further questioned about the constitutional hurdles his choice in the veepstakes faces, Mr. McCain turned a beet red and exploded at the assembled press corps.

"Read the document," shouted Mr. McCain. "Where in the Constitution does it say that the vice president has to be living? As far as I know, all he has to be is a native-born American who's at least 35 years old. Done and done."

At great personal risk, one reporter dared ask the senator about whether or not Mr. Reagan had agreed to run as vice president. Mr. McCain's aides physically restrained him from pulling a gun on the reporter as he screamed his reply.

"Of course he agreed," yelled Mr. McCain. "Do you think I'd be announcing his addition to the ticket if he didn't agree? Haven't you ever heard of the concept that silence implies consent? Well I think most people have, and when I put the question to Ronnie, he was about as silent as you can get."

The addition of Mr. Reagan to the Republican ticket is expected to buttress Mr. McCain's support among several key demographic groups, including Florida seniors, Reagan Democrats and the legion of dead voters in select Chicago precincts.

To counter Mr. McCain's surprise move, Barack Obama made his own unconventional choice for a vice presidential running mate: himself.

"That's right," said Senator Obama. "After vetting the short list of potential Democrats, it was blindingly obvious that I was by far the most qualified."

When questioned about the impossibility of succeeding himself as president if he dies in office, Mr. Obama assured American voters that in the unlikely event that he did die, he could just about guarantee a resurrection by the third day.

Unclear On The Concept

Up until recently, Canada was committed to the Kyoto Protocol on Climate Change. We had promised to reduce our greenhouse gas emissions to six percent below our 1990 levels. Instead, we are 25 percent above those levels with little hope of reaching them in the near future.

Part of our national plan was the voluntary One-Tonne Challenge which urged each citizen to change his daily habits in order to effect a one metric tonne reduction in carbon dioxide emissions. Now that program has been scrapped.

The One-Tonne Challenge was a great idea. I suspect it failed primarily because many Canadians were simply unclear on the concept. For example, the following do not count towards your personal emissions reduction goal:

* Putting a spoiler on your sit-down mower.
* Taking the van instead of the SUV to the corner store.
* Barbecuing indoors.
* Mixing ten percent ethanol with your morning orange juice.
* Installing an outdoor, solar-powered, battery-operated thermometer.
* Talking on the phone and/or putting on makeup while driving.
* Rolling stops at intersections to save on brakes.
* Using your electric can opener during off-peak hours.
* Drying your clothes outdoors on an electrically-powered rotating clothes line.
* Turning the air conditioner in your garage up one degree.
* Putting a muffler on your leaf blower.

Double Dog Dare

Prime Minister Harper has thrown down the gauntlet and dared Stephane Dion to "fish or cut bait" and force an election. The ball is now in Dion’s court and all of Canada is waiting to see if he can avoid the ultimate playground embarrassment.

But wait; what’s this? Can it be? Yes, Stephane Dion has issued a formal "double dare" to Harper to bring a vote of non-confidence himself. Harper is taken by surprise but continues to stand his ground.

Then with his own surprising counter move, Harper informs Dion that he "double dog dares" him to force an election. The media is aghast at this bold action and waits breathlessly for the Opposition Leader’s response.

Dion initially appears startled, not knowing how to answer this historically unprecedented challenge. Will he seek an election or risk being the laughingstock of the entire Canadian schoolyard?

Dion tries talking his way out of this unexpected impasse. He blames Harper for the situation and taunts the Prime Minister with sophisticated jibes about his personal hygiene and his mother’s preferred type of military footwear.

Harper, who had the upper hand, is caught slightly off guard. He forgets that he had issued a "double dog dare" and foolishly engages in the trading of insults. In the heat of the moment, the best he can come up with are "tax and spend Liberal", "government program lover" and "poopy head."

Sensing that the Prime Minister has fallen for his trap, Dion hits him with the traditional "What you say is what you are!"

Visibly shaken, Harper appears to be on the verge of tears. But his face instantly brightens as he remembers a classic counter insult. Dion is staggered by the powerful "I’m rubber, you’re glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"

The reporters walk away as the two combatants continue to engage in verbal sparring.

"Bait cutter!"

"Corporation lover!"

"Green shifter!"

"Carbon hog!"

As the sun sets over the political playground, it is clear that Canadians looking for an electoral donnybrook will have to wait for another day.

Bush Picks Books For His Library

As the final months of his second term wind down, President Bush is finding that he has more and more free time on his hands. And much of that free time is being spent planning for his presidential library.

"To be honest, I wasn’t that keen on a library at first," said the President. "I’ve never been much of a reader. But apparently Congress won’t authorize funds for a presidential bait and tackle shop."

However, the more President Bush considered the library option, the more he reportedly warmed to the idea. As things now stand, the final building plans are basically complete and all that remains is the selection of books.

"You know, I’ve been pretty busy being president," said Mr. Bush. "And consequently I haven’t had time to read everything that passed by my desk or even finish the odd book that I started."
Number one on the President’s catalogue list is "The Pet Goat."

"Yeah, I started reading that one on 9/11 as I recall," said Mr. Bush. "But I never got a chance to finish it. I’d sure like to know how it ends."

"Another volume I’d like to read is that presidential daily briefing Condi’s always talking about," said Bush. "You know the one entitled ‘Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S.’ I hear it’s got a lot of interesting stuff in it."

"Then there’s that book Bill Clinton gave me just before I took office," said Bush. "It’s called ‘Presidenting for Dummies.’ I never did get a chance to read it. Maybe when I retire I can finally have a look at it."

"There’s lots of other books I’d like to read when I get time," said the President. "Ones like that UN report about the absence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and that National Intelligence Estimate report that supposedly says Iran stopped its nuclear weapons program five years ago."

But until President Bush leaves office, Vice President Cheney has advised him against reading outdated volumes such as those and to instead concentrate on the tasks at hand like handing out more tax cuts and untendered contracts to his friends.

"Until January 20th, I’m just not going to have time to read much of anything," said President Bush. "Frankly, I’ll be lucky to finish the book sitting on my night stand called ‘My Lame Duck’."

Obama and McCain Deal With the Age Issue

This year’s Presidential election presents a number of striking contrasts. Barack Obama is a black, liberal Democrat whereas John McCain is a white, conservative Republican. But perhaps the most striking difference between the candidates is their age.

Soon to be 72, John McCain is even older than Ronald Reagan when he first became President. And that presents problems for the Republicans in attracting the youth vote in the upcoming election.

On the other hand, Barack Obama is only 46. Some are questioning whether a candidate that young and inexperienced is ready to take over the Oval Office.

Both candidates, however, have a plan to deal with the age issue.

"First of all," said Senator Obama. "I won’t be the youngest President ever. Teddy Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton were all younger than me when they took office. Not bad company, if I do say so myself."

But just to be safe, Obama is considering other tactics to give his candidacy a touch of gravitas and seniority.

"I’m going to start talking in a lower voice," said Obama. "And, if possible, I’ll be speaking even slower than I do now. I may even start pretending to forget a few words here and there."

If that doesn’t work, the Obama campaign has some other aging tactics available. Look for the freshman senator to start wearing bowties and suspenders and to sprinkle his speeches with phrases like "when I was a kid", "they don’t make ‘em like that anymore" and "hey, you young punks, get off my lawn!"

Working from the opposite pole, John McCain has a few tricks up his aging sleeve as well.

"You’re only as old as you appear," said the presumptive Republican nominee. "And I aim to appear a whole lot younger by picking a really old guy as my Vice Presidential running mate."
While McCain’s plan has merit, it may be difficult to implement given the paucity of potential candidates older than him.

"West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd would be great," said McCain. "He’s 90 and would make me look like a kid. Trouble is he’s a Democrat and a former Ku Klux Klan member."

"I could always choose that 84-year old Alaskan nutbar Ted Stephens," said the Arizona senator. "But then I don’t look young, I just look crazy."

"When it comes right down to it," said McCain. "If I want to capture the support of young people in their fifties and sixties, I’m just going to have to be more with it, more hip, so to speak."

In order to court that essential youth demographic, McCain is heavily lobbying organizations that might be able to help including the AAA, the AARP and the Arthur Murray dance studios.

"If I can just learn their favorite music and their trendy new dance steps," said McCain. "I’m a shoe-in for The White House. I hear a lot of them like the Beatles and that crazy new dance - what’s it called? - oh, yeah, the Twist."

Luckily for McCain, he still has two years left in his current Senate term.

The Epistle From Steve

Christians have long been relying on the Book of Revelations for signs of the coming apocalypse. But a recently discovered apocryphal text entitled the Epistle from Steve may be a more accurate guide to the future as shown by these eerily predictive verses:

Chapter 1, verses 6-7
"When will we know that the time has come?" cried the people. But Jesus would not answer them directly but spoke only in riddles.
"You will know that my return is at hand when you have twice elected the one who should not be elected," said Jesus. "And you have finally repented and learned the error of your ways."

Chapter 2, verses 2-4
And Jesus said that the signs of his return would be many. "The world will be fraught with confusion," said the Lord. "You will not know if an apple is an apple or a phone. You will no longer see through all Windows. And a Facebook will be neither face nor book."

Chapter 3, verse 4
And it came to pass in the eighth year of the reign of W that there were two men vying for the king’s chair, one an ancient senator with white hair and hot temper and another who was half American and half African yet not African-American.

Chapter 6, verses 11-12
And God gave the people a sign to know when the time of reckoning would be nigh. He would send a prophet to the twice-named city by the sea. And the prophet would hold a Rod in his hand and would kneel before the Madonna. Yet the Madonna would not see the Rod.
One named Peter would fall from grace and become estranged from his wife named Christie. His sins of the flesh would be many and would be broadcast to the assembled multitudes.

Chapter 7, verses 16-17
Verily, the sound of the markets falling was deafening. And even though the rulers intervened, the marketplace could not be saved.
Lo, behold the ones that have failed the Lord for they will be buried beneath the rubble of the marketplace. Their names are legion but chief among them are Fannie and Freddie. And God spoke unto them and said: "A house of subprime mortgages cannot stand."

Chapter 9, verses 22-24
And the crowd gathered before Jesus and begged him to anoint them with oil. And Jesus did anoint each of them in turn because the oil was cheap and plentiful.
"Be this your blessing," said the Lord. "But beware that the day will come when the oil will be rare and only those of wealth will be anointed."
But the people laughed and could not believe what Jesus was saying for surely the oil would last forever.

Cheney Wins 2008 Election

NOVEMBER 4, 2008

It’s official. Dirk Cheney has won the 2008 U. S. Presidential election. Contacted at his home in Lexington, Kentucky, Mr. Cheney expressed surprise and dismay.

"I really don’t know what to say," said the retired back-hoe operator. "I didn’t even know I was running. I sure hope this don’t affect my pension."

Apparently Mr. Cheney’s unexpected victory was the direct result of the no-bid contract given last December to Haliburton to provide the electronic voting machines for this year’s election. At a hastily called press conference, company spokesperson I. M. Rich did his best to explain the surprising turn of events.

"Without prejudging Dirk Cheney’s qualifications for The White House," said Mr. Rich. "It does seem a bit odd that a heretofore unknown retired construction worker could be elected to the highest office in the nation."

When asked to comment on the strange coincidence that the new President-elect’s last name is the same as that of the current Vice President, Mr. Rich replied with a terse "No comment."
The fact that Dirk Cheney tallied roughly twice as many votes as both John McCain and Barack Obama has raised suspicions even among the news media.

"Something seems fishy," said CBS anchor Katie Couric. "Although I can’t quite put my finger on it."

FOX News has so far been silent on the issue although Sean Hannity reportedly is warming to the idea of President Dirk Cheney.

"So long as it’s not that jerk Obama," said Hannity. "I’m OK with just about anybody else."

Apart from the news media, speculation is rampant that Haliburton may have rigged the electronic voting machines to allow for an automatic write-in vote for Vice President Cheney. Mr. Rich denies that this happened but a recently leaked company memo suggests otherwise. The memo in question is marked TOP SECRET and details plans to alter the configuration of the voting machines to allow for every second vote to automatically default to "Dirk Cheney."

But for the minor typo, it appears that Vice President Cheney might have won the election in a landslide. However, all is not lost for the Vice President since he has reportedly placed a call to his namesake Dirk Cheney offering to fill the second spot in the new Administration.

"Hell, who needs to be President," said Dick Cheney. "So long as I’m Vice President, I can still run the country."

Alberta's New Plate Motto

Albertans tend to be opinionated, ornery folk. And if there’s one thing that riles an Albertan, it’s somebody trying to change the slogan on his license plate.

Premier Ed Stelmach’s government is apparently looking to change the province’s plate motto from "Wild Rose Country" to "Strong and Free" which is the English translation of the official provincial motto "Fortis et Liber." But a recent survey indicates most Albertans want to stick with the current phrase.

Perhaps Premier Stelmach and his advisors should have considered other options that might have been more popular. Options such as "Oil’s Well With Us", "Crude to the Last Drop" and "Because We Can." They’d likely even garner more support for candidates like "Ottawa Sucks", "Freeze in the Dark" and "We Still Hate Trudeau."

But why restrict this exercise to Alberta? Other provinces need an update on their license plate slogans, too. How about these new provincial plate mottos?:

Newfoundland and Labrador: Cod Help Us
Nova Scotia: Canada’s Pogey Playground
New Brunswick: Just Passing Through
Prince Edward Island: Spuds ‘N Suds
Québec: Canada’s National Province
Ontario: We Know Best
Manitoba: Wheat, Water & Winnipeg
Saskatchewan: Even Tommy Douglas Left
British Columbia: Everyone Ends Up Here Eventually

And while we’re at it, let’s give an overhaul to our national motto as well. Let’s face it, "a mare usque ad mare" is definitely outdated. Not only is it in a dead language, it’s not even accurate since we’re bordered by three seas, not just two.

Forget the Latin slogan. Instead, let’s come up with something new, something jazzy, something more reflective of our national identity. Like one of these candidates:

* We’re NOT Americans!
* One Nation Underdog
* Canada: The Committee-Created Country
* Corn Flakes / Flocons de Mais
* We Ì Asymmetrical Federalism
* The 19th Century Belongs to Us
* We’re Number Two!
* We Actually Like Curling
* Peace, Order and Lots and Lots of Government
* Two Loonies Make a Twonie
* Canada: The Dysfunctional Mosaic
* Mounties, Maples and Medicare
* Skates, Skis and Ski-Doos
* Ten Provinces and a Lot of Empty Space
* It’s Not So Bad, Eh?
* Two Months of Tough Sledding
* Deux ou Trois Nations
* The Defederated Federation
* Alberta Plus

Do You Remember When?

Every few weeks I get a "Do you remember the 50s?" e-mail. You know the ones. They’re paeans to the good old days when men were men, women were women and life was always better. But where are the realistic fifties e-mails? The ones that tell the rest of the story. Ones like this:

If you’re old enough to remember Nehi grape soda and Studebakers with tailfins, you probably grew up in the fifties, the absolute best time there ever was in the whole wide world. As a child of the fifties, you’ll remember:

* Swimming in the neighborhood city pool on hot, sweaty summer days except, of course, for the times the pool was closed during the polio epidemics.

* Eating at the drugstore lunch counter where you’d get the chololatiest chocolate malted milkshake you could ever imagine and you never had to worry about sitting next to one of those pesky Negroes.

* Riding in your uncle’s ‘57 Chevy convertible with the top down, feeling the wind in your hair and the dashboard crashing into your head since no one worried bout silly things like seat belts.

* Drinking as much beer as you could hold and then driving your friend’s car as fast as you could because no one made a fuss about something as common as drinking and driving.

* Listening to the song stylings of singers like Pat Boone, Bill Haley and Elvis Presley without being concerned about the black original artists who they stole from.

* Watching Billy get into trouble at school for throwing spitballs and then getting the strap from the teacher until his knuckles bled.

* Laughing at stupid Bobby until he cried because he could never read properly and nobody knew what a learning disability was.

* Watching the Army-McCarthy hearings on your black and white TV and being thankful that Senator Joe McCarthy was protecting America from those godless commies including the ones who wouldn’t name names.

* Listening to Father McGuire preach about love and respect after he had just molested one of the altar boys in the sacristy.

* Making fun of Steve and calling him a fairy, a pansy and a homo and not even feeling sorry after he committed suicide because no one cared about gays.

* Smiling when little Susie said she wanted to grow up to be a doctor because everyone knew it was silly to think a girl could do that.

* Calling kids funny names like kike and spic and wop because they were different and it was a fun thing to do.

If you can remember any or all of these things, then you remember the fifties and, if you gave it a moment’s thought, you’d be glad those "good old days" are over.

Less Filling v. Tastes Great

The conservative majority of the U.S. Supreme Court has once again moved the country to the right. In a surprising 5-4 split decision, the Court struck down a Washington, D. C. law banning handguns. Less noticed were a spate of other conservative split decisions which will likewise dramatically transform American society.

First up on the docket was Coke v. Pepsi, an ongoing dispute that has threatened for years to irreparably divide the nation. In a 5-4 split decision, the Court narrowly ruled in favor of the traditional pause that refreshes. Writing for the conservative majority, Chief Justice Roberts cited Coca-Cola’s longer history and distinctive bottle shape in ruling for the Atlanta-based beverage.

"It may not be as American as apple pie," wrote the Chief Justice. "But it’s clearly the next best thing. Plus, as far as I’m concerned, things really do go better with Coke."

In another leading beverage case (Less Filling v. Tastes Great), the Court again split along ideological lines in favor of the appellant. Voting 5-4, the Court wasted little time in reversing the lower court’s ruling in favor of Tastes Great.

"It’s light beer," wrote Justice Antonin Scalia for the conservative majority. "I’m not saying it tastes bad but it would be a travesty of justice to hold that it tastes great."

Boldly tackling the leading pop music issue of the day, the Court also handed down its decision in ‘N Sync v. Backstreet Boys. Given the proliferation of boy bands, it was essential that the nation’s top jurists give direction to this current musical trend.

In yet another 5-4 decision, the Court ruled in favor of ‘N Sync. Citing earlier precedents in Lettermen v. Crewcuts, Four Tops v. Temptations and Beatles v. Dave Clark Five, Mr. Justice Kennedy, writing for the majority, cited ‘N Sync’s superior harmonies and boyish good looks as determinative.

In the world of fast food, the Supreme Court took on the thorny case of Domino’s v. Pizza Hut. Again splitting along ideological lines (the conservative "eat-ins" vs. the more liberal "take-outs"), the Court ruled 5-4 for the respondent.

"We know Pizza Hut. We like Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut rules," wrote Justice Clarence Thomas for the majority. "And therefore we rule for Pizza Hut."

Given its heavy workload, the Supreme Court was unable to hear a number of other pressing matters of popular interest this term. However, it is likely that space will be cleared on the upcoming fall docket for such important cases as Leno v. Letterman, Fahrenheit v. Celsius and Smart Bush v. Dumb Bush.

The Story Of W

An excerpt from "The Story of W", an anonymous insider’s tell-all account of the Bush Administration:

It’s time to tear the cover off the Bush Administration and I’m just the guy to do it. But just to be safe, I’m going to use a sudanym or a name de plumy or whatever the heck you call it. I’m going to write under an assumed name; that’s all I’m saying.

I can’t tell you who I am but I can tell you that I had a fairly responsible position in The White House. I didn’t make any of the major decisions but I was there when some of them were made.
Now a lot of people are picking on President Bush. They’re saying that he’s a bad guy, that he didn’t really apply himself and that he made a lot of bad choices.

That’s really unfair and I resent those characterizations. Not because it’s got anything to do with me but because they’re unfair criticisms of George W. Bush who I happen to know is a great guy.

Everyone’s always blaming Mr. Bush for things like Iraq, Afghanistan, Katrina, tax cuts for the rich, the huge national debt, the high price of gasoline and on and on and on. That’s just not fair. Heck, most of the time, the President didn’t even know about those things.

From what I can tell, it was guys like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld who were stirring up all the trouble. I think they were doing all the thinking and planning and deciding and then, after the fact, they’d tell the President what they’d done. But by then, it was too late and he had to take responsibility or they threatened to tell everyone how things really worked in The White House. At least that’s the way I remember it.

What’s really unfair is that those guys got to leave without taking all the blame. First Donald Rumsfeld jumped ship and then Karl Rove bailed out. I think the only reason that Dick Cheney stayed is he figured the president might resign, too, and then he’d get to take over. But I fooled him on that one or I mean the president fooled him on that one.

Life On Mars

Since landing on the surface of Mars in May, the Phoenix lander has been sending back detailed information about the red planet. Not only has it discovered the existence of water, it has now also discovered actual life on Mars.

President Bush addressed the nation regarding this momentous scientific discovery and provided more details about the amazing find. According to the President, the Phoenix lander has identified actual Martian mammalian life in the form of giant, grey squirrels.

"I am pleased to announce that American space technology has succeeded once again," said President Bush. "And we now know that there is life on Mars."

Apparently the Martian squirrels are much like Earth-based squirrels except that they are ten times bigger and capable of interplanetary travel. Pictures beamed back from the lander reportedly provide evidence that the interstellar rodents have recently travelled to Earth.

"The Martian squirrels have visited us," said the President. "And returned to their home planet with many surprising items."

In fact, the hordes of Earth items found on Mars include the answers to a number of recent mysteries.

"These Martian squirrels apparently took several bags of uncounted Florida votes from the 2000 election," said Bush. "And Phoenix’s camera has sent back images suggesting that the vast majority of those votes were for me."

The President went on to explain that the giant Martian squirrels had also stashed away some yellowcake uranium from Niger.

"It turns out that our intelligence was right all along," said Mr. Bush. "There was yellowcake uranium destined for Iraq. It’s just that those darned squirrels intercepted it and took it back with them to Mars."

According to President Bush, the most surprising find from the Phoenix lander images is the existence just below the surface of Mars of giant stashes of weapons of mass destruction. Arabic writing on the weapons leaves little doubt that they were originally from Iraq.

"Those danged giant squirrels found Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction before we did," said Bush. "And took them home to Mars on their spaceships."

President Bush stated that he felt completely vindicated in the decisions he made since 2000 and asked for an apology from those who doubted the wisdom of his actions. Joining him at the Presidential podium was a giant Martian squirrel who confirmed all of the President’s statements. In another remarkable coincidence, the giant squirrel sounded almost like Vice President Cheney.

The Couillard Pandemic

News item: An editorial in The Canadian Medical Association Journal states that Canada is the worst prepared of the developed countries to deal with the next pandemic.

Ottawa has been hit hard by a highly contagious strain of influenza called the Couillard Flu. Medical experts fear this may be the long-awaited pandemic. If so, it appears the government has failed to take adequate measures to protect itself from this new bug.

"This Couillard strain appears to be very dangerous," said Canada’s Chief Medical Office Dr. Seymour Butts. "If you have any contact with the virus, you will quickly become infected and, within 48 to 72 hours, almost certainly lose your job."

Although the new flu strain (also known as the Biker Flu) is highly toxic, there are steps that can be taken to reduce the risk of infection. The Chief Medical Officer is urging those in government to wash their hands and their money frequently and to avoid any insecure intimate personal contact. They are further advised not to leave any personal effects or papers lying about which could lead to rapid exposure.

"If you suspect you may have been exposed to the Couillard virus," said Dr. Butts. "Seek immediate political attention and do not speak to or associate with any MPs, cabinet members or senior officials."

The Couillard strain is so strong that virtually everyone who comes in contact with it will suffer severe consequences. Once it infects the patient, the course of the disease is rapid and certain.
"Initially there is a tendency for those exposed to Couillard to deny that they have been in contact with the virus," said Dr. Butts. "But when faced with the evidence of their condition, they eventually accept the inevitable."

Epidemiologists fear that the Couillard Flu may rival the Spanish Influenza of ninety years ago. Even young, healthy bureaucrats are not immune although, to date, it has only struck down males.

"The fear is that this strain may be as bad as the Munsinger Flu of fifty years ago," said Dr. Butts. "And that it may rapidly spread and bring down the entire government."

At first the Couillard Flu appeared to be restricted to senior government cabinet ministers. But now it has also spread to the executive ranks of the bureaucracy and threatens to infect the Prime Minister’s Office.

Prime Minister Harper has urged Ottawa’s medical community to come up with a vaccination to counter this new deadly pandemic. So far, experts have been unsuccessful in doing so although they have made some progress in identifying those who have immunity.

"We are encouraged to note that large segments of the Ottawa community apparently remain uninfected," said Canada’s Chief Medical Officer. "Including those who do not form the government and those who have ethical standards and a high resistance to undue influence."

"Whatever the course of this new pandemic, two things are certain," said Dr. Butts. "It will run its course and it will eventually happen again."

Harper v. World

Stephen Harper’s lawsuit against senior Liberals for libel regarding the Chuck Cadman affair is apparently the first one launched by a sitting prime minister. But if the Ottawa rumor mill can be believed, it won’t be his last. Look for these upcoming lawsuits by our litigious leader:

Harper v. CBC
Stephen Harper is known to be a big hockey fan but not a fan of the CBC. That’s why he’s taking the People’s Network to court over their bungled negotiations to secure continuing rights to the "Hockey Night in Canada" theme song. For losing the iconic tune to CTV, Harper wants CBC to pay and pay big. The PM is reportedly asking for unspecified damages and an order in the nature of prohibition preventing the "pinko" network from ever saying mean things about him again.

Harper v. Cabinet
Known as the ultimate Canadian micro-manager, Stephen Harper is now looking to formalize his tight control over the federal cabinet. After the Maxime Bernier affair, the Prime Minister is loathe to allow any MP to achieve and wield ministerial power. He will therefore be seeking a series of injunctions stopping any minister of the Crown form acting without Mr. Harper’s personal OK.

Harper v. Clark
Harper missed the recent hanging of the official portrait of former Prime Minister Joe Clark in Parliament’s Centre Block. It’s clear, however, that that’s the only Clark hanging he would want to miss. But until that unlikely day, the current PM is doing the next best thing: taking Joe Clark to court to stop him from reminding voters of what the Tories used to be. Harper is looking for an all-purpose gag order to prevent Mr. Clark from using the terms "social progressive", "red Tory" or "Progressive Conservative" ever again.

Harper v. Canadian Media
Whether it’s radio, TV or print, the Prime Minister has no use for Canada’s media. Although he recognizes that they are a necessary nuisance, he’s taking them to court to ensure that they pick on everyone but him. Mr. Harper is asking for an order giving him final approval on any quote or photograph with an option to Photoshop any of the latter to remove excess fat and/or down vests.

Harper v. Black
Mr. Harper has no particular beef against Conrad Black. In fact, in many ways, he finds Mr. Black a commendable fellow. But the PM knows the law of the jungle - i.e. - the spoils go to the meanest, nastiest s.o.b. Mr. Harper figures if he sues the Lord of Litigation, no one will have the nerve to go after him for years to come.

Harper v. Canadian Electorate
The Prime Minister has apparently reached the end of his political rope with Canadian voters. No matter what he does, he can’t seem to get more than 37% of us to support his party. Rather than continue trying to appeal to the electorate with more GST reductions and family-related tax credits, he will be asking the Federal Court of Canada for an order of mandamus compelling at least an additional 10% of voters to cast their ballots for the Tories in order to obtain that elusive majority government he so longs for.

Is Nothing Sacred?

Is nothing sacred? Apparently not as the CBC jettisons the Hockey Night in Canada theme song and opts instead to launch a $100,000 contest to pick a successor tune.

But is it really as simple as that? Can the CBC simply dump the "Dum-da-dum-da-da" song and replace it with something else?

Of course they can. But beware; if CBC management can get away with this egregious assault on our common culture, there’s no telling where it will end.

If the song goes then so, too, might other icons of the ice. If "Dah-da-dah-da-dah" is no more then it’s only a matter of time until we can say goodbye to "Coach’s Corner" as well.

After all, six years ago the CBC was ready to dump everyone’s favorite second banana Ron MacLean. And wasn’t it just four short years ago that it looked like the CBC wasn’t going to renew the contract of our national clown Don Cherry? If "Doo-do-do-doo-do" is gone, then what’s to stop the People’s Network from giving the boot to Canada’s most beloved duo since Rusty and Jerome?

And that’s just the beginning. If the CBC has its way, the HNIC theme’s swan song will be the first in a never-ending series of changes to everything that binds us together as Canadians.
If "Da-da-da-da-dah" goes then, just as surely as the first intermission follows the first period, you can also say goodbye to Bob Cole. Like the song, he’s been around for forty years and maybe, to those at the CBC, is starting to show his age.

But what would "Hockey Night in Canada" be without the sonorous, somnolent tones and the obvious oversights and omissions of our nation’s favorite play-by-play man? Except for the late, great Forster Hewitt, there’s no better Leafs-lover to butcher the language and mangle the play calling than our own Mr. Hockey.

But that won’t be the end of it. With the song, Ron, Don and Bob gone, it won’t be long before the CBC remakes the entire game.

With its broadcasting clout, the network may well force the NHL to change some rules. If the CBC brass have their way, we could easily see the end of fighting in hockey and the reduction of our national sport to a pitiful display of skating, passing and shooting.

The CBC must be stopped now. If they can kill our beloved "Da-da-da-dah-duh-dah", there’s no telling what damage they can do to the game we love.

Hillary's First Draft

First draft of Hillary Clinton’s concession speech found in her office wastebasket:

It is time. It is time for our campaign to take stock of what we have accomplished and to acknowledge the hard work of thousands of volunteers who brought us so close to the nomination. Without your tireless efforts, I could not be standing here before you today.

And it is time for healing. In the thrust and parry of electoral politics, harsh words are spoken and things are said which perhaps ought not to have been said. But it is time to put all that behind us and move on.

Most of all, it is time to come together and consolidate our gains and move forward. I know many of you are disappointed that we lost to a younger, less-experienced male. But we must not dwell on the negative. We are bigger than that.

I know some of you have been urging me to consider the vice presidential nomination. You’ve argued that this would make for a stronger ticket. You’ve said that this would still be a great victory for our campaign, that being the nation’s first Vice President would strike a blow for women everywhere.

I have listened to your pleas and I have been touched and swayed by them. You are right; we have come too far to not make our great campaign stand for something. History will judge me harshly if I do not seize this opportunity now.

Yes, it is time. It is time to acknowledge that Senator Obama has achieved a majority of the delegates needed to claim the Democratic presidential nomination, albeit a bare majority.

Nevertheless, I do not want it to be said that I unduly prolonged this already far too lengthy race by continuing to claim the real victories of most votes won, most important states won and most white, redneck male supporters.

Never let it be said that Hillary Rodham Clinton didn’t know when to quit. Never let it be said that I caused damage to the Democratic Party. But never let it be said that I ever gave up on the dream.

And so I congratulate Senator Obama on his victory and I wish him well in the future. And, yes, I will take that offer of the vice presidential nomination, just not from you Barack.

I have instead accepted John McCain’s generous offer to run with him on the Republican ticket. After all, the man is almost 72 years old and his health is questionable at best. I figure the chances are pretty good that, if we’re elected, I’ll be able to take over in the next two or three years. And then Bill can become Vice President and the dream can finally be realized.

Good night and God bless America.

On Beyond 27

Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the TV again, Congress has run amuck and changed the rules of the Presidential election. Now, instead of two Democratic contenders and one presumptive Republican nominee, the field may once again be crowded with new White House wannabes.

It all started in a drunken, late night joint session on Capitol Hill where two-thirds of the House and Senate passed Constitutional amendments just for the heck of it.

First to get approval was the 28th Amendment or as it is now known, Arnie’s Law. It does away with the provision that the President must be a native born American. As a consequence of this rash act, everybody from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Zsa Zsa Gabor has declared their intention to seek the presidency.

But Congress didn’t stop there. After a two-hour chugging contest started by Senator Larry Craig and six rounds of shooters paid for by Nancy Pelosi, the two houses managed to pass Amendment number 29 which will eliminate the age requirement for President.

Being younger than 35 will no longer be an impediment to having one’s finger on the nuclear button. Upon hearing this, every video game-playing teen and techno-dork from Miami to Seattle tossed their ballcap into the presidential ring.

Before the night was over, Congress went right over the top with the 30th Amendment. Some say it was the six-pack of Jamaican spliffs handed out by Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut but it may well have been the mescaline-laced prune juice passed around by California’s Senator Diane Feinstein.

Whatever the cause, the result was disastrous since the 30th Amendment serves to repeal the 20th Amendment which set term limits on the presidency. Upon hearing the news, Bill Clinton shoved Hillary aside and made a mad dash to register his candidacy for the upcoming Democratic convention. Not far behind was George W. Bush looking to three-peat for the Republicans and Papa Bush trying once again for that elusive second term. Even Jimmy Carter forewent his afternoon nap to put his name forward for the nomination.

Luckily, the electoral chaos was short-lived as someone took the time to actually read the Constitution which requires that for any of these amendments to take effect, they must be passed by three-fourths of the state legislatures. Both Arnold and Bill said they’re prepared to wait.

How To Spend Your $600

Americans are starting to receive checks in the mail for their one-time 2008 tax rebate. For most, that means an extra $600 to do with as they please. But many are still wondering how to spend their upcoming windfall. Maybe they can be guided by what some other folks have already decided.

Coffee drinker Gary Dingledine of Queens knows where his rebate is going. With an extra two dollars a day to spend, Mr. Dingledine hopes to replace his daily morning tall coffee at Starbucks with a venti white mocha frappuccino.

Disgruntled investor Harvey Newman of Teaneck, New Jersey is looking to wallpaper his apartment on the cheap. Mr. Newman figures $600 can buy him 60,000 subprime mortgage certificates and a bucket of paste.

SUV owner Edith Bramwell of White Plains, N.Y. is thrilled with her $600 refund. She’s looking forward to once again using the words "fill ‘er up" at her local gas station, at least for the month of June.

Frustrated traveller Maurice Rosenberg of San Francisco figures his $600 check will finally allow him to cover all the additional charges and buy one of those $99 bargain airfares. With luck, he may even have enough left over to check two pieces of baggage.

Noted polygamist Warren Jeffs doesn’t figure he can do much with his $600 stimulus check. But since there’s an extra $300 payment for each child, Jeffs is hoping that the additional $120,000 will help spring him from jail.

Senator Larry Craig of Idaho has earmarked his $600 check for new vanity license plates. He’ll be trading in his old SEN IDA plates for either NOT GAY or TAP 2X.

Bill Gates has his eye on a supply of new batteries for his calculator. The Microsoft Chairman figures he’s going to need them in order to calculate how many billions he’ll make from the real tax cuts.

John McCain made no secret of where his $600 was going. The putative Republican presidential nominee has invested the entire amount in Metamucil and support hose.

Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama will be using his government windfall to change his middle name. Unfortunately, the only names available were Hitler, Stalin and bin Laden.
The tax rebate check couldn’t have come at a better time for Hillary Clinton. She’ll use it to reduce her campaign debt to $20,999,400.

Barack Obama, The First Hundred Days

January 20, 2009
Watch TV as that old fart McCain is sworn in as President. I can’t believe that harridan Hillary bailed on me and accepted the Vice Presidential slot on the Republican ticket. Phone rings but I don’t answer. Call display shows it’s Al Gore probably wanting to commiserate again. No way I’m joining that loser in Loserville.

January 26
Channel all energies into tracking down members of Reverend Wright’s Trinity United Church Veterans for Truth. You’d think that old coot would have had the decency to at least shut up during the final campaign. The last lead I had was that Bill Clinton was behind all this.

January 31
Michelle issues ultimatum: either I stop moping around the house in bathrobe all day or she’ll banish me to the living room sofa. Her words hit me like a cold splash of water. Stop watching C-SPAN in hopes of finding ongoing election recounts.

February 2
Groundhog Day. If I see my own shadow, there’ll be six more years of Republican rule. If I don’t, there’ll be eight. Back to bed. What’s the point?

February 9
Concerned about McCain’s reform proposal, visit local Social Security office and enquire about filing early application for benefits. Informed that qualifying age is 67 and reminded that I am still employed by U. S. Senate. Vow to attend at least one sitting in current session.

February 15
Out of desperation, finally decide to answer Al Gore’s call. Instantly regret decision. Al rambles on suggesting I grow beard, put on weight and teach at obscure backwoods university. Finally cut him off by telling him I have Democratic filibuster to attend in Senate.

February 26
Try again to phone Hillary but she still won’t take my calls. Even Jimmy Carter won’t talk to me.

March 1
Note that President McCain is not looking well. His skin is that pasty white you see at Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow concerts.

March 10
Bored silly. To pass time, make prank calls to Queen Elizabeth and ask if she’s got Prince Charles in a can. When she replies curtly "Who is this?", I tell her she better let him out and quickly hang up. Consider calling back and asking for Harry Butz.

March 23
Evening news shows report McCain admitted to hospital for undisclosed ailment.

April 1
Front page of my morning N. Y. Times features article reporting Supreme Court reopening issue of potential voter fraud in Ohio, Michigan and Florida in last election. Reporter’s speculation about possible Obama victory gets me re-energized. When I excitedly relay news to Michelle she announces "April Fool’s" and informs me that she had mock front page printed off obamasucks.com web site. We both share a laugh and I retire to my room for quiet cry.

April 16
McCain still in hospital. If his health doesn’t improve soon, it looks like Hillary may be temporarily in charge. Damn!

April 29
Shocking news. President McCain is dead. Rumors abound about possible poisoning but the official cause of death is listed as "old age." I can’t believe it; that harpy Hillary is now President and she’s choosing Bill as her Vice President. What else can go wrong?

April 30
Hillary calls or at least I think it was Hillary. All I heard was "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!" and then a dial tone. Oh, well, there’s always 2012.

Medicare Bill Aims to Fix Crisis

Both the House and the Senate have passed a bill to deal with the looming Medicare crisis and President Bush is expected to sign the bill into law as early as next week. Instead of cutting back on benefits, which would have been politically unpopular, the new law will place a $1,000 bounty on the head of every citizen over the age of 75.

Most members of Congress see this as a win-win situation as the law will not only cut costs but will also likely significantly reduce the number of Medicare claimants. However, a few naysayers such as 90-year old Senator Robert C. Byrd are somewhat less sanguine.

"I can certainly see how this new legislation will reduce our healthcare commitments," said the aging West Virginia senator. "But I’m not sure it will benefit me or many of my friends."

Alaska’s senior senator, 85-year old Ted Stevens, was even more negative about the new law.
"I’m not totally against the bounty provision," said Stevens. "But when my colleagues didn’t even have the decency to write in an exemption for me and a handful of others, I really took offense."

The new law is slated to come into force just in time for the busy summer driving season. Senior citizens will be given fair warning about the new bounty but it is doubtful many of them will be able to take appropriate precautions in time.

"We expect this new provision will be particularly appealing to big city cab drivers," said government spokesperson I. M. A. Bureaucrat. "They’ll now likely be able to afford to buy a new taxi within days rather than years."

Although the new law will definitely help reduce increasing medical costs, some supporters were disappointed that the handgun rider did not pass.

"If we could have allowed unlimited handgun access to hospitals, seniors’ residences and retirement communities," said Mr. Bureaucrat. "I think we could have solved our healthcare crisis by the end of the year."

A New American Election

Like most Canadians, I’m a fan of many things American. From American movies to American sports to American television, I just can’t get enough of what you folks have on offer.

But when it comes to Presidential elections, I think I’ve finally had enough. Don’t get me wrong; up until now, I’ve enjoyed following your quadrennial races for The White House. After all, where else can you watch a slate of Republican and Democratic high flyers go after one another for months at a time?

But, in the end, that’s the problem. Your elections are no longer just political marathons. Now they’re the equivalent of a Presidential triathlon.

As a Canadian, I’m used to much shorter elections. Five weeks, to be exact. In fact, it looks like an election may be called here any day now and it will be over even before you folks have chosen your two Presidential nominees.

Now I can hear some of you saying: "But what kind of process is that? How can you discuss all the issues in five weeks? And how can you test a candidate’s mettle in the crucible of political combat in such a short time?"

Well, in my experience, you can. Five weeks is plenty of time for candidates to canvass the issues, debate their opponents and appeal to the electorate. And as for testing a candidate’s suitability for higher office, all that your drawn out process demonstrates is that some candidates can survive the rigors of the campaign trail for up to two years.

Surviving such a process may be a badge of honor but I’m not sure it ensures that you end up with the best and the brightest leading your country. Who in their right mind would subject themselves to such a grind? Isn’t it likely that a shorter campaign might encourage more leaders from the business, academic and military communities to come forward and offer their services to the nation?

Another drawback to your current structure is the limited choice for the average citizen. In most Presidential elections, the voter gets to choose between two candidates, the Democratic and Republican nominees. Occasionally, you also get a serious third party candidate although there’s seldom a realistic chance that he or she can do more than act as a spoiler.

In contrast to your two-party system, we Canadians have five or six viable options to choose from. They span the political spectrum from the Conservative Party on the right to the quasi-socialist New Democratic Party on the left. We even have the environmentally-friendly Green Party and a separatist option in the Bloc Quebecois for independence-minded voters in Quebec.

Such a wealth of choices lends itself to a more engaged electorate. We’re not exemplary in this regard but I’m sure our sixty per cent plus voter turnout for federal elections tops your participation rates in recent years.

Having many parties represented helps to moderate the views of the government of the day. It also helps to promote and ultimately enact more progressive legislation such as gun control, gay marriage, legalized marijuana and public health care.

Some criticize our multi-party system as inefficient because it sometimes leads to a minority government where the party in power only has a plurality of seats in the House of Commons. But a minority government is not always a bad thing. In order to stay in power, such a government must seek support from other parties which often leads to productive compromises. In fact, some commentators have lauded minority governments as more efficient, more responsive and more reflective of the popular will than their cumbersome majority counterparts.

The Canadian electoral system is by no means perfect. But given the limitations of the American process and its inability to reflect the will of the people, it may indeed be time for a change this year: a wholesale change to the way you choose your national leader.

No One Over 67 Votes

With the U. S. Presidential election on the horizon, there’s talk once more of extending the vote to sixteen-year-olds. But rather than expanding the electorate, I think we should be restricting it by denying the vote to one or more of these questionable constituencies:

Anyone 67 or older
Why should these folks get to vote? They’re already feeding at the Social Security trough and dining at the Medicare buffet. Plus many of them are drawing down generous pension benefits. Do you really think they’re capable of making selfless, objective decisions for the good of the country? Not on your life. All they care about is more Social Security and more free drugs.

Any member of the AARP
(see above)

Anyone turning 40, 50 or 60
Remember when you turned 40 or 50 or maybe even 60? Chances are you were so depressed that you barely functioned for the entire year. Let’s face it; a person in that condition shouldn’t be trusted with something as important as a Presidential vote.

People who took out a subprime mortgage
Would you really want your future to be decided by someone who bought a house with no money down and a mortgage with a two-year, artificially low teaser rate of interest? Exactly. The country’s in enough debt without having these crazy spendthrifts helping to add even more.

Anyone whose current age is a prime number

There’s something decidedly odd about prime numbers. It’s hard to trust anything that’s only divisible by itself and one. Why take a chance? Disqualify these folks outright. After all, it’s not as if everybody’s shut out. Just those who are 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 51, 53, 57 and 61.

Men who sport combovers
Guys who are that into denial shouldn’t get a say in who runs the country. If you think three or four two-foot strands of hair can cover an entire bald pate, how will you ever be able to discriminate between two equally skilled dissemblers running for President?

Anyone who voted for George W. Bush in 2004
As Bush himself said: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me.....you can’t get fooled again." But millions of folks did get fooled a second time by "W" himself. By any reasonable standard, they’ve definitely forfeited their votes. (This rule may also apply to those who voted for Bill Clinton in 1996 and for Jimmy Carter at any time.)

Ideally, all of these rules should be implemented which would help winnow out the unqualified from the electorate leaving only reliable voters. Which, by the way, might only be you and me. And, as they say, I’m not so sure about you.

McCain Picks Running Mate

After weeks of speculation, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee has finally revealed who will be his vice presidential running mate. Many assumed that the second spot would go to a politician. Some had assumed John McCain would opt for a young, conservative Republican to balance the ticket, someone like South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Others felt that the wiser choice would be to go with an older, more experienced politician such as Rudy Giuliani.

At a Washington, D. C. press conference, Senator McCain made the much-awaited announcement with his new running mate waiting in the wings.

"I gave it a lot of thought," said the Arizona senator. "I thought about choosing someone older than me, younger than me, more conservative than me. I even considered picking Dick Cheney to run again. In the end, however, the choice was blindingly obvious."

Turning stage left, McCain stretched out his left hand and beckoned the new Republican number two: Tyra Banks.

To thunderous applause and several ribald catcalls, Ms. Banks sashayed to the podium in a mauve Versace dress with modest decolletage. The former supermodel and current host of "American’s Next Top Model" clasped McCain’s shoulders, lifted her left leg, bent over and planted a kiss on the senator’s forehead.

"What’s not to love about this woman?" said McCain. "She’s the perfect vice presidential candidate. She’s everything I’m not: young, black, female and very, very hot. If nothing else, I’m definitely going to pick up a lot of the beer-drinking, college-age male vote."

"I’m happy to be Senator McCain’s running mate," said Ms. Banks. "He has demonstrated week after week the maturity and sophistication we’ve been looking for in a candidate seeking to become America’s top political model."

"I think you’ll all recall that it wasn’t that long ago that the senator was counted out of the campaign," said Banks. "But he didn’t quit. Instead, he came back the following weeks and took his inner beauty, turned it inside out and dazzled everyone with his poise and charm. That’s the kind of man I want to see walking down the White House runway. Plus, given his age, I figure the chances of me taking over within the next four years are at least fifty-fifty."

Senator McCain smiled, gave Ms. Banks a hug and declared: "I can’t think of a better way to go."

Polygamy Made Legal

"I do! I do! I do!"

With those six words, Utah Governor Jon Meade Huntsman, Jr. simultaneously signed into law a bill making polygamy legal and married three new wives.

"It’s a great day for the great state of Utah," proclaimed Governor Huntsman. "Not only are we restoring our great polygamous heritage, we’re opening up a whole new market for our growing tourist industry.

Asked to elaborate, Huntsman detailed plans to make Utah the multiple marriage capital of America.

"As I see it," said the much-married governor. "It’s a win-win situation for Utah. Not only do we get to be real Mormons again. We also get to welcome all those men looking to take on more than one wife."

"We’ve done some market research and discovered that there are different segments of the population that will likely make use of our services," said Huntsman.

Apparently one of those segments comprises male Hollywood stars who are currently serially monogamous but are tired of the financial obligations associated with multiple divorces.

"I wish I’d had this option years ago," said aging star Mickey Rooney. "Having been married eight times and divorced seven, those alimony checks really start to add up. If I could have just stayed married to all those broads, I could have saved a bundle."

Another segment is made up of America’s leading business executives. For years, these men have competed with one another not only through the accumulation of wealth but also by acquiring the youngest and prettiest trophy wife.

"I think there’s a definite market to be tapped," said Governor Huntsman. "If one trophy wife is good, surely two is better and three even more desirable. I think you’re going to see a whole new field of competition opening up for Fortune 500 executives."

Male politicians are also warming to Utah’s new offering. Rather than engage in risky extra-marital affairs and dalliances, certain high-needs officeholders can now satisfy their urges within the law.

"I think it’s just great," said former President Bill Clinton. "After all, a man has needs."

Hillary Clinton was initially cool to the new "Utah option" but has apparently come on board with her sponsorship of a new bill to make polyandry legal in New York State.

"What’s saucy for the gander is saucy for the goose," said Hillary.

The Real Beijing Olympics

As with past Olympic Games, the host country gets to choose a demonstration sport, typically one that it excels in. Chinese Olympic Committee spokesperson Wu Hu Hu recently announced the committee’s list of nominated sports and competitions to be voted on at their next meeting:

Tibetan Tipping
Practised in select western provinces, Tibetan tipping has been popular with many Chinese for over fifty years. The competition starts with a handful of Tibetans politely asking for autonomy within the Peoples’ Republic. Teams of ethnic Chinese then take turns "tipping" the Tibetans. The first team to silence the Tibetans’s pleas for limited self-government is declared the winner.

Mao Maoing

In honor of the nation’s founder, teams of free enterprise afficianados compete in this uniquely Chinese mental gymnastics competition. Each team seeks to introduce a particular modern economic reform while at the same time rationalizing it with traditional Maoist thought. The team that realizes the biggest financial profit without breaching any of the key tenets of Mao’s version of Marxism-Leninism wins a simulated gold medal and the eternal gratification of the proletariat.

Internet Accessing
What might appear to be an easy task for western competitors becomes difficult when attempted within Chinese jurisdictions. Teams of three computer users compete to see which one can circumvent government filters, restrictions and firewalls to gain access to forbidden web sites. The first team to log on to either http://www.chinasux.com/ or http://www.playboy.com/ wins a modest trophy and a free ten-week stay at the closest reeducation spa and camp.

Buffet Resistance
A two-stage competition, buffet resistance is an eating contest with a twist. The first round requires contestants to eat a varied selection from a traditional buffet of MSG-laden Chinese food until completely sated. Round two takes place exactly one hour later at which time any contestant who can resist eating again is declared a winner.

Consumer Reports's Presidential Issue

"Consumer Reports" rates the 2008 Presidential models:

The Barack Obama
From the Henry Ford school of candidates, the Obama comes in any color you’d like so long as it’s black. And that may be its biggest shortcoming. Although few consumers will publicly admit it, many like their cars the same way they like their milk: white.
Despite that handicap, the Obama seems to be catching on with the public. It has a young, sleek styling with impressive initial performance. Among all the candidates we tested, the Obama was the fastest to go from zero to one thousand delegates.
However, consumers should be wary of the Obama’s ability to finish. Although it still sounded smooth at the end of our test run, the suspension seemed a bit weak and tended to be easily thrown off by a few dirty tricks.

The John McCain
Ironically, this model actually does appear to be your father’s Oldsmobile. The styling on the McCain is old to the point of being almost retro. The lines are straight and its gas milage can only be described as conservative.
When we first tested the McCain eight years ago, we found it to be moderate in most categories. The 2008 model initially appeared to be similar in output and performance. However, after a few laps around our test track, we found the McCain had a definite tendency to pull to the right.
The McCain’s major disadvantage is that it has been built using the discredited Bush chassis. Unless it can adopt a whole new position on that frame or it can ditch that chassis entirely, it looks to be beaten by every other candidate out there, even the Democrats.

The Hillary Clinton
The Clinton claims to be the best performing candidate with a track record second to none. Its handlers claim that it has the experience to blow the doors off the competition.
However, when we looked under the Clinton’s hood, we found the promised performance to be somewhat lacking. The claimed experience turns out to be little more than a few laps around someone else’s Oval Office.
Although the Clinton has won a race or two on its own, it owes much of its success to its big-muscled predecessor, the Bill Clinton. It remains to be seen if its spunky four-cylinder engine can provide the same results as its big-blocked forerunner.
In past years, we’ve recommended at least one of the competing models and even check-rated the occasional entry as a "best buy." However, after our picks of the Al Gore in 2000 and the John Kerry in 2004 were bypassed by consumers for the surprisingly lightweight and unreliable George W. Bush, we are reluctant to give our seal of approval to any of the current crop. This year, we recommend you just close your eyes, hold your nose and choose one. After all, in the end, it really doesn’t matter since you’ll still be taken for a ride.

A House Is Not A Home

The Rt. Hon. Stephen Harper
24 Sussex Drive
Ottawa, Ontario

Dear Mr. Prime Minister:

I understand you may be in a bit of a bind regarding adequate living quarters. From what I hear, Auditor General Sheila Fraser says your house is close to being a tear-down. At the very least, it apparently needs massive renovations that will take upwards of fifteen months to complete.

I thought that, as a fellow employee of the Crown, I might be able to help out. Sad to say, I can’t offer you accommodations for your entire family. But I can at least offer you a place to stay while they’re working on your place.

I live with my wife and daughter in a modest, three-bedroom bungalow in southeast Ottawa. Since there are only three of us, we have a spare bedroom that you’re welcome to use. I wouldn’t expect much in the way of payment - say, $250 a month plus GST which, as you know, is now a bargain at a mere 5%.

Your rent would entitle you to the use of our TV and home computer. We don’t have high speed Internet access and my daughter has to use it sometimes for her homework. But otherwise, it’s pretty much available for prime ministerial correspondence, secret search warrants, letters of termination or whatever else you need it for.

As for board, that’s negotiable with my wife. After all, as you no doubt recognize, in Canada, there is no free lunch. But I’m sure we can come to some agreement on at least a daily continental breakfast and a hot meal for dinner. Anyway, having seen you on TV, it looks like you wouldn’t mind going on a bit of a diet.

Alternatively, we could provide you with a small fridge and a hot plate for your room. Then you can make your own meals and snacks and even keep a few beers on hand. If you’re not a big drinker, I actually don’t mind if you keep half a dozen of your favorite brand in my beer fridge in the basement. So long as you don’t mix them in with mine. I don’t know about you but I’m not a big fan of Labatt Blue. No offense, I hope.

I don’t know what your tastes are in the way of TV viewing but we’re fairly flexible. Except for my daughter who has to see "Degrassi: The Next Generation" and "The Hills" every week without fail. But otherwise, I think we can likely accommodate your viewing preferences so long as they don’t involve the Toronto Maple Leafs or Mike Duffy.

Now I imagine you’re probably a bit concerned about getting to work and back. Not a problem. As I said, we live in southeast Ottawa and I work over in Hull. So I could drop you off on my way to work in the morning at the corner of Sussex and Rideau and then you’re only a five-minute walk from your office.

As for getting back at night, so long as you’re OK with leaving work at 4:30, I could pick you up on my way home. In fact, if you’d like, we could even meet at the Chateau Lafayette in the Market for a draft or two before we head home. Who knows? It might even help you keep in touch with the common man.

One thing I have to warn you about. We own a dog. His name is Oreo and he’s a very nice Portuguese Water Dog. But, to be honest, he doesn’t like cats. So I’m afraid we couldn’t board your cat while you’re staying with us. Frankly, I don’t know what Oreo thinks about Tories but he hasn’t bitten anyone yet and we’ve had some pretty right-of-center guests over the years.

Now, as for payment, I understand that your employment situation is a bit tenuous. But don’t worry. Even if you should lose your job, we wouldn’t kick you out. If you’re handy around the house, I’m more than willing to let you work off some of your rent by taking on the odd chore or two. No need to thank me. After all, it’s the Canadian thing to do.

Yours truly,

Dave Martin

Keep the Primaries Going

With the results in from Indiana and North Carolina, some folks are calling for an end to this seemingly interminable primary season. The conventional wisdom seems to be that Barack Obama has an insurmountable lead and that Hillary Clinton should do the gracious thing and concede. After all, apart from Montana and South Dakota, the candidates have pretty much run out of places to keep the fight going. Or have they?

Might I suggest that the battle continue here on Canadian soil. We’ve got ten provinces with not much happening lately and I’m sure every one of them would love to have their own Democratic presidential primary or caucus.

In case you haven’t noticed, we Canadians have been following your presidential primary races with rapt attention. It’s not just the fact that whatever happens in the U. S. has a big effect on us. It’s also that, even at the best of times, political life in the Great White North is, how should I put it, kind of boring.

From Iowa to New Hampshire, from New York to California, from Super Tuesday to not-so-super Tuesday, we’ve been following your contests as if they were our own. So why not let us join in and have one last kick at the presidential primary can?

Take a look at Canada. It’s a perfect battleground for Democrats. Our national political philosophy is a kind of vague, muddied liberalism, basically the same type of thinking that guides the Democratic Party.

And we already have many of the things that Democrats claim to want. From gun control to same sex marriage to socialized medicine, we are, in essence, the Democrats’ promised land.
That’s why it just makes good sense to let the Obama-Clinton slugfest spill over into Canada.

You may not want to formally recognize the Canadian results in choosing the Democratic presidential candidate. But why not consider substituting the foregone Florida and Michigan votes with the Canadian ones? Or, better yet, have the superdelegates be bound by them.

If Obama or Clinton can manage to take both Ontario and Quebec, for example, that’s a clear indication that they’ve got the magic touch. After all, even Canadians can’t get these two provinces to agree on anything and we’ve been trying for over140 years.

Likewise, if one candidate can capture both the redneck Albertans and the laidback Nova Scotians, that’s a sure sign of a winner. Or at least it’s a sign that someone has discovered a brand of beer that both these groups like.

I can’t imagine any province turning down the chance to host one of the Democrats’ contests, be it a primary or a caucus. After all, the publicity would be good for tourism and now that all the Canadian teams have been knocked out of the Stanley Cup playoffs, frankly, we’ve got nothing better to do until curling season starts up again in the fall.

So if you get to the Puerto Rico primary on June 7th and you still haven’t picked a Democratic candidate, don’t despair. Just head north and keep the campaigns going. Remember, the convention isn’t until the end of August. What better way to spend the summer than crisscrossing our great country in search of even more votes?

And who knows? Maybe it’ll be such a rousing success that the loser will choose to stay and run for office here. Given our current charismatically-challenged leader, it wouldn’t take much to replace him. Prime Minister Clinton or Prime Minister Obama. Kind of has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

The Stupidest Question Ever

Most observers thought last month’s ABC-sponsored debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama marked the nadir in stupid questions. It seemed as if co-moderators Charles Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were trying to outdo one another in posing inane queries to the two candidates.

First Gibson asked them both to pledge that the winner would pick the loser as his or her Vice Presidential running mate. Then Stephanopoulos asked about Obama’s relationship with former political radical William Ayers.

Gibson one-upped (or one-downed, if you will) Stephanopoulos by asking Clinton about Snipergate. But the former White House press secretary topped (or bottomed, if you will) Gibson by asking Obama if Reverend Wright was as patriotic as he was.

Viewers were puzzled by this unseemly display by two formerly respected newsmen. Why would they risk their reputations and that of their network by playing such a silly game of "gotcha" journalism?

Well, it turns out Gibson and Stephanopoulos knew exactly what they were doing all along. The series of increasingly ridiculous questions was, in fact, a competition between the two men to see who would take permanent possession of the anchor position on the ABC Evening News.

"Yeah, I admit it," said Stephanopoulos. "Charlie and I secretly agreed to put the anchor chair up for grabs. Whoever came up with the stupidest question at the debate would be declared the winner."

"Look," said Gibson. "It’s not something I’m proud of but when George suggested it, it kind of made sense. I just didn’t think it would get this far out of hand."

Notwithstanding the surfeit of inane questions asked at the debate, neither moderator was able to claim ultimate victory. Apparently both had even more ridiculous questions in hand but didn’t get a chance to pose them to the candidates.

"I was going to ask Hillary if she’d stopped beating her husband," said Stephanopoulos. "But unfortunately we ran out of time."

"If we had just five more minutes," said Gibson. "I was going to ask Barack whether he wears boxers or briefs."

Since the competition ended in a draw, the all-time stupidest question asked by a reporter remains Sean Hannity’s query of George W. Bush as to whether he knew the number for 911. Sadly, the President did not.

Torch Retires

In a surprise move, Olympic Torch has withdrawn his services from the ceremonial relay. Apparently he found the constant stress of protests and route changes too much to take and handed in his resignation yesterday.

"I wanted to complete the trip," said Mr. Torch, "But given all the disruptions, I can’t take the pressure any more."

Forgotten in all the media coverage is the effect the recent protests have had on the relay’s most important participant: Mr. Torch. Ensuring a constant flame in the midst of angry crowds has not been easy for him.

"You think it’s easy staying lit all the time?" said Torch. "Trust me, it’s difficult to keep your flame going at the best of times what with the wind and the rain and all. But throw in a few thousand protesters and it’s next to impossible to keep burning 24/7."

In fact, on at least one occasion on his current tour, Torch had to relinquish his flame in the face of an overwhelming crowd. He was reignited shortly after but that incident clearly took its toll.
"I take pride in my job, you know," said the noted flame carrier. "I’m sure a lot of people think it’s an easy job. Light the flame, carry the flame, go back to Greece."

"But there’s a lot more to it than that," said Torch. "You have to know how to lean just right in order to get lit from the eternal flame in Athens. You have to know when to pass off the flame to a backup torch. And you have to keep the fire steady even when some flatfooted, overweight runner is carrying you through some godforsaken city in the middle of nowhere."

Letting his frustration show, Olympic Torch started shouting about abusive spectators and a general lack of respect from the public. He briefly started crying but quickly regained his composure.

"I may be quitting," he said. "But I’m still a professional. I’m not going to let a few hotheads make me turn on the waterworks and douse the flame. After all, I still have my pride."

When asked if he was stepping down to spend more time with his family, Torch became indignant.

"What the hell do you think I am," he shouted. "A politician? If I can’t do the job, it’s because it’s just too darned hard."

Rumors abound that Torch may yet make a comeback but the fire-topped beacon had little to say.

"I’ve learned in this business never to say never," said Torch. "But I doubt you’ll see me again for at least two or possibly four years. For now, I just want to go home and see my wife Flashlight and all my little matchsticks."