The White House today announced a new realignment of executive branch duties. In keeping with recent management trends, President Bush has decided to outsource a number of his functions.
America’s first MBA President finally recognized that government is fundamentally inefficient and that he is, in fact, part of government. To achieve optimum productivity and efficiency, the President courageously looked to the private sector for help.
"I came to accept that I was part of the problem," said Mr. Bush. "If you want to have crucial decisions made by interested and knowledgeable people, outsourcing is clearly the way to go."
"It just seemed like a natural next step," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. "After all, if the military can contract out half of its jobs, why can’t we?"
President Bush has reportedly long desired to shed functions outside his immediate areas of interest. "Truth be told," said Mr. Bush. "I’ve never been big on domestic issues and I’m not all that keen on foreign affairs either." Thus, the former will now be handled by a consortium of American public relations firms and the latter have been contracted out to Halliburton on a no-bid, cost-plus basis.
It appears that this is only step one in an ongoing re-engineering process. For example, it is expected that domestic policy briefings can be produced more cheaply by Mexican consultants. And executives at Halliburton have already announced plans to seek additional savings by subcontracting certain foreign policy initiatives to firms in India.
When asked about his remaining duties, President Bush indicated that he intended to concentrate on what he called his "core competencies."
"I believe that it’s an inefficient use of my time and skills to have me read lengthy policy briefings on domestic and foreign issues," said Mr. Bush. "There are lots of people in the private sector who are far more interested in and capable of slogging through all that stuff."
Press Secretary Snow outlined the new arrangement of duties and highlighted the President’s top three priorities. From now on Mr. Bush will concentrate solely on tax cutting, fund raising and handshaking.
When asked to comment on how this latest reorganization will affect next year’s election, President Bush said he expected no significant changes.
"Given the new devolution of executive powers," said Mr. Bush. "I’ll have a lot more time to do what I do best and campaign for the next Republican candidate, assuming I’m asked."
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The Electionometer
Pundits, pollsters and politicians of all stripes are knocking themselves out trying to determine when the next federal election will be held. However, short of a no-confidence vote, that decision rests with Stephen Harper who apparently is exploring the following options:
Consultants
As with any major decision, the Conservatives are spending tons of money on consultants’ reports to help the Prime Minister decide. But, perhaps not surprisingly, the recommendations are all over the electoral map. At last report, the Tories have engaged the services of former Ontario Premier David Peterson and will do the exact opposite of whatever Mr. Peterson recommends.
Fortune tellers
Conservative Party insiders have engaged all manner of seers and soothsayers to predict a favorable election date. The various fortune tellers have apparently tried reading everything from tea leaves to tarot cards with no conclusive answer to date. There are, however, high hopes for the upcoming reading of the entrails of an Alberta beef cow that succumbed to BSE.
Astrologer
The Prime Minister’s Office recently commissioned a top-secret reading for Mr. Harper from Nancy Reagan’s former astrologer, Joan Quigley. Born on April 30, 1959, the Prime Minister is a Taurus with his Moon in the Commons House. No word on any preferred election date although one item from the reading was leaked to the press: It seems that Mr. Harper’s most dominant planet is Saturn, unlike his pal George W. Bush, who when he asked for his major planetary influence was told: "Uranus."
The Electionometer
A known fan of high-tech gizmos, Stephen Harper has reportedly purchased the latest in election-calling software: the Electionometer. By feeding in all relevant data such as the current polling numbers, the number of seats held, the unemployment rate, the TSE closing numbers and the long-term weather forecast, the Electionometer will not only give a thumbs up or thumbs down on an election call, it will even suggest the optimal date. Unfortunately, the software was created before the recent Québec election and is currently being revised to allow for the entry of a double-digit seat count for the ADQ.
The Stéphane Index
Word has it that one young Conservative Party worker has been permanently assigned to follow Opposition Leader Stéphane Dion. The minute Mr. Dion’s frown falls below a specified angle or he’s forced to deny involvement in the Sponsorship Scandal or he gets another Prince Valiant haircut, Mr. Harper will be notified. If the worker sees the perfect Liberal storm and all three occur at the same time, the election will be called immediately.
Royal Canadian Mint
Rumor has it that Mr. Harper has ordered the production of a special "election loonie" to help him decide whether or not to pull the plug on the current Parliament. Inside sources say that the obverse of the coin bears the likeness of Brian Mulroney and the reverse the face of Joe Clark. No word yet on what either side of the coin means for an election call.
Consultants
As with any major decision, the Conservatives are spending tons of money on consultants’ reports to help the Prime Minister decide. But, perhaps not surprisingly, the recommendations are all over the electoral map. At last report, the Tories have engaged the services of former Ontario Premier David Peterson and will do the exact opposite of whatever Mr. Peterson recommends.
Fortune tellers
Conservative Party insiders have engaged all manner of seers and soothsayers to predict a favorable election date. The various fortune tellers have apparently tried reading everything from tea leaves to tarot cards with no conclusive answer to date. There are, however, high hopes for the upcoming reading of the entrails of an Alberta beef cow that succumbed to BSE.
Astrologer
The Prime Minister’s Office recently commissioned a top-secret reading for Mr. Harper from Nancy Reagan’s former astrologer, Joan Quigley. Born on April 30, 1959, the Prime Minister is a Taurus with his Moon in the Commons House. No word on any preferred election date although one item from the reading was leaked to the press: It seems that Mr. Harper’s most dominant planet is Saturn, unlike his pal George W. Bush, who when he asked for his major planetary influence was told: "Uranus."
The Electionometer
A known fan of high-tech gizmos, Stephen Harper has reportedly purchased the latest in election-calling software: the Electionometer. By feeding in all relevant data such as the current polling numbers, the number of seats held, the unemployment rate, the TSE closing numbers and the long-term weather forecast, the Electionometer will not only give a thumbs up or thumbs down on an election call, it will even suggest the optimal date. Unfortunately, the software was created before the recent Québec election and is currently being revised to allow for the entry of a double-digit seat count for the ADQ.
The Stéphane Index
Word has it that one young Conservative Party worker has been permanently assigned to follow Opposition Leader Stéphane Dion. The minute Mr. Dion’s frown falls below a specified angle or he’s forced to deny involvement in the Sponsorship Scandal or he gets another Prince Valiant haircut, Mr. Harper will be notified. If the worker sees the perfect Liberal storm and all three occur at the same time, the election will be called immediately.
Royal Canadian Mint
Rumor has it that Mr. Harper has ordered the production of a special "election loonie" to help him decide whether or not to pull the plug on the current Parliament. Inside sources say that the obverse of the coin bears the likeness of Brian Mulroney and the reverse the face of Joe Clark. No word yet on what either side of the coin means for an election call.
We Have A Winner
I'm proud to announce that I am the latest winner of the weekly satirical writing contest at the Demockeracy.com site. Thanks to the folks at Demockeracy.com, I was also able to place my winning piece with The Chicago Tribune. Check out the site via the link at the right.
Monday, April 02, 2007
How To Tell A Dog Owner
It wasn’t my idea. In fact, I was against getting a dog. But after my wife Cheryl and my daughter Sarah wore me down, I finally caved in and agreed to the acquisition of a black and white puppy named Oreo.
In the year and a half that Oreo the Portuguese Water Dog has been with us, I have to admit that I’ve learned a lot. Like how to puppy-proof a house, how to scoop poop with a plastic bag and how to write regular cheques to the vet.
But the most interesting thing I’ve learned since Oreo’s arrival is how to spot a dog owner. Having observed various members of this interesting breed, I believe I have come to know their unique markings and characteristics.
When you walk into someone else’s house, you can tell almost immediately whether or not they own a dog. Check for chew marks on the moulding, baby gates but no kids and floors littered with bones, chew toys and worn out tennis balls. And if none of those things clues you in, the animal barking and jumping up on you is usually a dead giveaway that you’re in the home of a dog owner.
There are, of course, plenty of other signs that someone owns a dog. A hair-covered blanket in the back seat of a car usually spells dog ownership, especially if there’s a slightly wet, gamy smell in the air. Since the owner probably lets the dog sleep in his bed, he’s oblivious to the hair and odor and dismisses your complaints as "fussy" or "finicky."
Other sure signs of dog ownership have to do with the owner’s apparel. The man with the permanently mud-stained pants from the knee down is, in all likelihood, a dog owner. Likewise, the woman whose pantyhose is always torn. Although these folks invariably claim that their dog "never jumps up on people", their wardrobes say otherwise.
Another telltale sign there’s a dog in someone’s life is the sore right shoulder (or sore left shoulder for southpaws). Although a properly trained dog is supposed to heel, I’ve rarely seen one do so. Most dogs yank on their leash repeatedly thereby sending their owners for ongoing physiotherapy treatment.
My favorite way to tell if someone is a dog owner? He’s the one holding a plastic bag up to the light to check for holes before heading out for a walk. Anyone who has performed pooper scooping duties with a defective bag will instantly know why.
Dog owners are in many ways similar to new parents, only worse. Once Sarah had turned three, I figured that I had heard the last of baby talk in our house. But since Oreo’s arrival, Cheryl has apparently regressed.
All those silly nonsense words and terms of endearment have returned and are now directed to our dog. And even though Oreo is no longer a puppy, the baby talk continues and will likely continue even into his dotage.
But it’s not just the syrupy sweet talk. Dog owners are like new parents in other ways, too. They’re always buying their animals new toys and treats. And the dog tends to get the full-Kodak treatment with even more photos than the kids.
Given half a chance, dog owners will talk non-stop about their darling Fido or super intelligent Rover. If you thought new parents were insufferable with their baby bragging, just ask a dog owner about his mutt’s best characteristic or latest accomplishments and get ready to have your ear talked off.
The dog owner is also the one with the huge blind spot and memory gap regarding her pet’s behavior. While Skippy bites, barks and humps your leg, his owner will express genuine surprise and declare that Skippy has never done such a thing before. And two weeks later, when Skippy does the exact same thing, she’ll be just as genuinely surprised.
But the best way to identify a dog owner is by the silly smile on his face. Despite all the trials and tribulations of dog ownership, these folks can’t seem to get enough of their canine friends. As far as I can tell, it’s a true case of irrational puppy love.
In the year and a half that Oreo the Portuguese Water Dog has been with us, I have to admit that I’ve learned a lot. Like how to puppy-proof a house, how to scoop poop with a plastic bag and how to write regular cheques to the vet.
But the most interesting thing I’ve learned since Oreo’s arrival is how to spot a dog owner. Having observed various members of this interesting breed, I believe I have come to know their unique markings and characteristics.
When you walk into someone else’s house, you can tell almost immediately whether or not they own a dog. Check for chew marks on the moulding, baby gates but no kids and floors littered with bones, chew toys and worn out tennis balls. And if none of those things clues you in, the animal barking and jumping up on you is usually a dead giveaway that you’re in the home of a dog owner.
There are, of course, plenty of other signs that someone owns a dog. A hair-covered blanket in the back seat of a car usually spells dog ownership, especially if there’s a slightly wet, gamy smell in the air. Since the owner probably lets the dog sleep in his bed, he’s oblivious to the hair and odor and dismisses your complaints as "fussy" or "finicky."
Other sure signs of dog ownership have to do with the owner’s apparel. The man with the permanently mud-stained pants from the knee down is, in all likelihood, a dog owner. Likewise, the woman whose pantyhose is always torn. Although these folks invariably claim that their dog "never jumps up on people", their wardrobes say otherwise.
Another telltale sign there’s a dog in someone’s life is the sore right shoulder (or sore left shoulder for southpaws). Although a properly trained dog is supposed to heel, I’ve rarely seen one do so. Most dogs yank on their leash repeatedly thereby sending their owners for ongoing physiotherapy treatment.
My favorite way to tell if someone is a dog owner? He’s the one holding a plastic bag up to the light to check for holes before heading out for a walk. Anyone who has performed pooper scooping duties with a defective bag will instantly know why.
Dog owners are in many ways similar to new parents, only worse. Once Sarah had turned three, I figured that I had heard the last of baby talk in our house. But since Oreo’s arrival, Cheryl has apparently regressed.
All those silly nonsense words and terms of endearment have returned and are now directed to our dog. And even though Oreo is no longer a puppy, the baby talk continues and will likely continue even into his dotage.
But it’s not just the syrupy sweet talk. Dog owners are like new parents in other ways, too. They’re always buying their animals new toys and treats. And the dog tends to get the full-Kodak treatment with even more photos than the kids.
Given half a chance, dog owners will talk non-stop about their darling Fido or super intelligent Rover. If you thought new parents were insufferable with their baby bragging, just ask a dog owner about his mutt’s best characteristic or latest accomplishments and get ready to have your ear talked off.
The dog owner is also the one with the huge blind spot and memory gap regarding her pet’s behavior. While Skippy bites, barks and humps your leg, his owner will express genuine surprise and declare that Skippy has never done such a thing before. And two weeks later, when Skippy does the exact same thing, she’ll be just as genuinely surprised.
But the best way to identify a dog owner is by the silly smile on his face. Despite all the trials and tribulations of dog ownership, these folks can’t seem to get enough of their canine friends. As far as I can tell, it’s a true case of irrational puppy love.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Useful Studies
When it comes to raising kids, it’s sometimes hard for us parents to lay down the law regarding things like diet, homework and bedtime. We often indulge our children although we know we shouldn’t. Instead of forcing ourselves to change, wouldn’t it be a lot easier if we could simply point to a series of new guilt-reducing studies? Studies like these:
1. Psychologists at the Child Welfare Institute of Fairytale University have completed a decade-long study on the effects of television viewing on child development. Much to their surprise, they found a direct correlation between the level of verbal and cognitive skills and the average daily amount of television viewing. Researchers also found that the benign effect of television viewing on children increased in the absence of parental supervision and did not require parental intervention at any stage. "Our study revealed that children will stop watching when they’ve had enough," said team leader Dr. Nathan Miller. "Contrary to previous speculation, there’s apparently no need to limit their TV viewing in any way."
2. Dieticians at the Children’s Hospital of Erewhon have published the results of a five-year review entitled "Dietary Effects of Increased Sucrose Consumption on Pre-adolescent Children." One group of juvenile hospital patients was given a diet high in sugar-rich foods such as ice cream, soft drinks and candy bars. Another group acted as a control and were fed a "healthy" diet comprised mainly of whole grains and green vegetables. The surprising results were that the first group had an increased growth rate and a marked reduction in health problems and temper tantrums. "It seems counterintuitive," said lead researcher Sherry Melville. "But the more sugar you feed children, the better off they are. Plus, they apparently know their own limits."
3. Researchers at the In Your Dreams Sleep Institute announced the results of their three-year childhood sleep pattern study at a recent press conference. Entitled "The Effects of Flexible Bedtime Commencement in Children Under 12", the study observed sleep patterns, growth rates and behavioural transformations in pre-adolescent children who were allowed to choose their own bedtimes. The unexpected results were that children given the freedom to select their own sleep schedule were healthier, happier and more alert. "It sure didn’t seem to fit with decades of anecdotal evidence," said sleep expert Dr. Ernest Tellier. "But there you have it. Let them stay up as late as they want since it’s probably better for their health."
4. Educators at the Wishful Thinking Institute issued a press release detailing the results of a long term study on pre-adolescent children and homework. Children in several school districts were grouped by age and test scores. All groups were assigned homework and half of the groups were monitored nightly by parents to ensure timely completion of assignments. Not surprisingly, the supervised groups showed a slight increase in average test scores. However, contrary to expectations, the unsupervised groups saw an even greater average test score increase. "I never thought I’d say it," said study author Dr. Norville Taylor. "But it appears that the best thing you can do is let your child manage his homework by himself."
5. Physicians at the Double Blind Sexuality Clinic released the results of their ten-year investigation of the effect of structured sexual education on post-adolescent children. Half of the subjects were provided with ongoing sexual information in a structured school setting. The other half were left to acquire information on sex informally. All subjects were tested and interviewed on a regular basis. The unanticipated result was that the teenagers who received their sex education "on the street" were far more knowledgeable than their class-instructed peers. "I never imagined it," said lead researcher Dr. Hans Awn. "But the best advice I can give parents today is to simply forget about the traditional ‘birds and bees’ lectures. They’ll discover more all on their own."
There, don’t you feel better about your parenting skills now? Just by doing nothing, you made the right choice. Next week we’ll review new studies on the beneficial effects on parenting skills of everything from beer drinking to napping.
1. Psychologists at the Child Welfare Institute of Fairytale University have completed a decade-long study on the effects of television viewing on child development. Much to their surprise, they found a direct correlation between the level of verbal and cognitive skills and the average daily amount of television viewing. Researchers also found that the benign effect of television viewing on children increased in the absence of parental supervision and did not require parental intervention at any stage. "Our study revealed that children will stop watching when they’ve had enough," said team leader Dr. Nathan Miller. "Contrary to previous speculation, there’s apparently no need to limit their TV viewing in any way."
2. Dieticians at the Children’s Hospital of Erewhon have published the results of a five-year review entitled "Dietary Effects of Increased Sucrose Consumption on Pre-adolescent Children." One group of juvenile hospital patients was given a diet high in sugar-rich foods such as ice cream, soft drinks and candy bars. Another group acted as a control and were fed a "healthy" diet comprised mainly of whole grains and green vegetables. The surprising results were that the first group had an increased growth rate and a marked reduction in health problems and temper tantrums. "It seems counterintuitive," said lead researcher Sherry Melville. "But the more sugar you feed children, the better off they are. Plus, they apparently know their own limits."
3. Researchers at the In Your Dreams Sleep Institute announced the results of their three-year childhood sleep pattern study at a recent press conference. Entitled "The Effects of Flexible Bedtime Commencement in Children Under 12", the study observed sleep patterns, growth rates and behavioural transformations in pre-adolescent children who were allowed to choose their own bedtimes. The unexpected results were that children given the freedom to select their own sleep schedule were healthier, happier and more alert. "It sure didn’t seem to fit with decades of anecdotal evidence," said sleep expert Dr. Ernest Tellier. "But there you have it. Let them stay up as late as they want since it’s probably better for their health."
4. Educators at the Wishful Thinking Institute issued a press release detailing the results of a long term study on pre-adolescent children and homework. Children in several school districts were grouped by age and test scores. All groups were assigned homework and half of the groups were monitored nightly by parents to ensure timely completion of assignments. Not surprisingly, the supervised groups showed a slight increase in average test scores. However, contrary to expectations, the unsupervised groups saw an even greater average test score increase. "I never thought I’d say it," said study author Dr. Norville Taylor. "But it appears that the best thing you can do is let your child manage his homework by himself."
5. Physicians at the Double Blind Sexuality Clinic released the results of their ten-year investigation of the effect of structured sexual education on post-adolescent children. Half of the subjects were provided with ongoing sexual information in a structured school setting. The other half were left to acquire information on sex informally. All subjects were tested and interviewed on a regular basis. The unanticipated result was that the teenagers who received their sex education "on the street" were far more knowledgeable than their class-instructed peers. "I never imagined it," said lead researcher Dr. Hans Awn. "But the best advice I can give parents today is to simply forget about the traditional ‘birds and bees’ lectures. They’ll discover more all on their own."
There, don’t you feel better about your parenting skills now? Just by doing nothing, you made the right choice. Next week we’ll review new studies on the beneficial effects on parenting skills of everything from beer drinking to napping.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Rrroll Up The Rim
It’s that time of year when Canadians join together in our sacred rite of spring. That’s right; it’s the annual "Rrroll up the rim to win" contest at Tim Hortons.
Like most Canadians, I’m a fan of Tim Hortons but I have to say that I’m not always pleased with the various prizes on offer. I’d like to see some different items and apparently some of my fellow Canadian coffee drinkers agree:
Stephen Harper
"I’m fine with the hybrid car, of course. After all, if the latest budget passes, I should be able to pocket a $2,000 rebate. But what I’d really like to see under that rim is a few more seats in Ontario and Québec."
Stéphane Dion
"If I roll up the rim, there’s only one thing I really, really want: a few more election-free months to avoid a Tory landslide."
Jack Layton
"Tim Hortons is a fine Canadian institution. But in keeping with my party’s philosophy, I think everyone should be a winner. After all, we only want for our fellow citizens what we want for ourselves. In my case, that’s another minority government."
Gilles Duceppe
"I don’t really care what I win so long as you give me a double-double and keep the coffee and cream separate."
Michael Ignatieff
"A spring election. Can that be one of the premiums? The sooner my good friend Stéphane loses, the sooner I can claim my rightful place as the leader of the Liberal Party. If not, then one of those iPod nanos would be nice."
Jean Charest
"Nothing, really. Thanks to my new best friend Stephen Harper, I’ve got everything I need. Just don’t tell Alberta!"
Conrad Black
"Yes, a big-screen TV would be great. But where I’m going, I could sure use something like a comfy pillow or a gold-plated shiv. Ideally, I’d like to win one of those "get out of jail free" cards."
Barbara Amiel
"The last thing I need is a free donut. You think it’s easy maintaining this great figure? If those sluts behind the counter want to do me a favor, they should offer some real prizes like a pair of Manolo Blahniks, a Gucci bag or a week in Tahiti and Bora Bora."
Don Cherry
"Who needs some wimpy Japanese hybrid car? Just give me a Dougie Gilmour or a Bobby Orr. God, I love those guys! And while you’re at it, how about a Stanley Cup for Toronto?"
Like most Canadians, I’m a fan of Tim Hortons but I have to say that I’m not always pleased with the various prizes on offer. I’d like to see some different items and apparently some of my fellow Canadian coffee drinkers agree:
Stephen Harper
"I’m fine with the hybrid car, of course. After all, if the latest budget passes, I should be able to pocket a $2,000 rebate. But what I’d really like to see under that rim is a few more seats in Ontario and Québec."
Stéphane Dion
"If I roll up the rim, there’s only one thing I really, really want: a few more election-free months to avoid a Tory landslide."
Jack Layton
"Tim Hortons is a fine Canadian institution. But in keeping with my party’s philosophy, I think everyone should be a winner. After all, we only want for our fellow citizens what we want for ourselves. In my case, that’s another minority government."
Gilles Duceppe
"I don’t really care what I win so long as you give me a double-double and keep the coffee and cream separate."
Michael Ignatieff
"A spring election. Can that be one of the premiums? The sooner my good friend Stéphane loses, the sooner I can claim my rightful place as the leader of the Liberal Party. If not, then one of those iPod nanos would be nice."
Jean Charest
"Nothing, really. Thanks to my new best friend Stephen Harper, I’ve got everything I need. Just don’t tell Alberta!"
Conrad Black
"Yes, a big-screen TV would be great. But where I’m going, I could sure use something like a comfy pillow or a gold-plated shiv. Ideally, I’d like to win one of those "get out of jail free" cards."
Barbara Amiel
"The last thing I need is a free donut. You think it’s easy maintaining this great figure? If those sluts behind the counter want to do me a favor, they should offer some real prizes like a pair of Manolo Blahniks, a Gucci bag or a week in Tahiti and Bora Bora."
Don Cherry
"Who needs some wimpy Japanese hybrid car? Just give me a Dougie Gilmour or a Bobby Orr. God, I love those guys! And while you’re at it, how about a Stanley Cup for Toronto?"
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
March Madness
Spring is here and March Madness is in full swing. Sixty-five bellicose nations were selected and seeded by the UN&CIA and we’re already down to the Sweet Sixteen.
No big surprises in the Mideast regionals. Number one seed the United States won its bracket and is almost a sure bet to advance to the Final Four. Six years ago, they demolished small school rival Afghanistan in the opening round and two years later they appeared to do the same to Arab League longshot Iraq.
Other survivors in the Mideast include longtime hawks Iran and Syria. Overlooked once again was tiny regional powerhouse Israel who is sitting out the tournament for the thirtieth straight year.
The Far East seedings caught everyone by surprise. With the Pac 10 traditionally dominated by such giants as China and Japan, plucky North Korea garnered the number one slot. Despite its economic troubles and recent suspension, the Krazy Kingdom impressed the selection committee with its million man army and its capability for unpredictable outside shooting.
Historically, the Western European regional included some of the best match-ups. But most of the once powerful NATO Alliance have let their offensive game slip in the face of U.S. domination. Not surprisingly, the United Kingdom has advanced while former rivals France and Germany bowed out early.
The Eastern European regional traditionally was a lock for perennial Iron Curtain Conference champion Russia. But with the reorganization of that conference, Russia, although still seeded number one, no longer poses a serious threat to make the Final Four.
Some fans are looking to the Subcontinent regional for what could be the most explosive match-up of the year. Longtime rivals India and Pakistan were seeded one-two and will likely face off in the Asian final. Both possess the long bomb and are not averse to perimeter shooting.
In the end, all eyes will be on the U.S. who were the early pick to breeze through the Mideast region in their quest for world domination on the "Road to Armageddon." But victory, of course, is never guaranteed and every year there are one or two upsets. Longtime fans will remember that the U.S. itself once fell to little known Far East competitor Vietnam and they may face the same fate against the "Fightin’ Muslims" from Iraq.
However the tournament unfolds, fans can watch around-the-clock television coverage. It’s expected to last for as many weeks, months or years as it takes. Check your local listings.
No big surprises in the Mideast regionals. Number one seed the United States won its bracket and is almost a sure bet to advance to the Final Four. Six years ago, they demolished small school rival Afghanistan in the opening round and two years later they appeared to do the same to Arab League longshot Iraq.
Other survivors in the Mideast include longtime hawks Iran and Syria. Overlooked once again was tiny regional powerhouse Israel who is sitting out the tournament for the thirtieth straight year.
The Far East seedings caught everyone by surprise. With the Pac 10 traditionally dominated by such giants as China and Japan, plucky North Korea garnered the number one slot. Despite its economic troubles and recent suspension, the Krazy Kingdom impressed the selection committee with its million man army and its capability for unpredictable outside shooting.
Historically, the Western European regional included some of the best match-ups. But most of the once powerful NATO Alliance have let their offensive game slip in the face of U.S. domination. Not surprisingly, the United Kingdom has advanced while former rivals France and Germany bowed out early.
The Eastern European regional traditionally was a lock for perennial Iron Curtain Conference champion Russia. But with the reorganization of that conference, Russia, although still seeded number one, no longer poses a serious threat to make the Final Four.
Some fans are looking to the Subcontinent regional for what could be the most explosive match-up of the year. Longtime rivals India and Pakistan were seeded one-two and will likely face off in the Asian final. Both possess the long bomb and are not averse to perimeter shooting.
In the end, all eyes will be on the U.S. who were the early pick to breeze through the Mideast region in their quest for world domination on the "Road to Armageddon." But victory, of course, is never guaranteed and every year there are one or two upsets. Longtime fans will remember that the U.S. itself once fell to little known Far East competitor Vietnam and they may face the same fate against the "Fightin’ Muslims" from Iraq.
However the tournament unfolds, fans can watch around-the-clock television coverage. It’s expected to last for as many weeks, months or years as it takes. Check your local listings.
Monday, March 12, 2007
The Nickname Association of America
Now that Lewis "Scooter" Libby has been found guilty of perjury and obstruction of justice, it’s unclear if he’ll be sentenced to prison. But one punishment for Vice President Cheney’s former chief of staff has already been determined: he will be stripped of his nickname.
Bill "Moose" Skowron, current president of the Nickname Association of America, made it official yesterday by formally rescinding Mr. Libby’s sobriquet. As the former Yankees first baseman explained at a hastily convened press conference:
"We here at the NAA are deeply saddened by the actions of one of our members, Mr. I. Lewis Libby. Due to his recent criminal conviction, we had no choice but to rescind his nickname and seek a permanent injunction against him."
While many are applauding Mr. Skowron’s announcement, others wish something had been done sooner.
"Too little, too late," said Phil "Scooter" Rizzutto. "The damage has already been done."
When asked to elaborate, the former Yankee broadcaster and Hall of Fame shortstop said: "Holy cow! What good is my nickname now? That huckleberry Libby has tarnished it forever. Unbelievable! It’s like my old pal "Tricky Dick" Stewart. After that Nixon clown messed up, he was ashamed to use his nickname and spent the rest of his days known only as "Dick."
"With a nickname comes a certain responsibility," said Ed "Too Tall" Jones. "You can’t be selfish; you have to think of the others who also bear your moniker."
The former Dallas Cowboy said that a nickname holder’s actions can be devastating for like-named individuals. "Just look at the case of Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme who tried to shoot President Ford," said Mr. Jones. "You wouldn’t know it today but before she pulled the trigger, there were dozens of "Squeakys" out there. Now it would be easier to find someone named Adolph or Judas."
Mr. Rizzutto concurred. "I’m glad that the NAA has taken action. I just wish they’d done it back when that Libby guy was indicted. Now it’s too late. Maybe if he gets pardoned or awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the name "Scooter" can still be salvaged. But even then, I can’t see myself using it anymore."
Mr. Skowron took his membership’s concerns to heart and vowed to take stronger and swifter action in the future. "Maybe we should have acted sooner and changed Libby’s alias to "Scapegoat" or "Fall Guy" last year. Whatever course of action we choose, however, we can’t allow our precious national heritage of nicknames to be put at risk. Where would we be without our Tigers, our Rockys and our Arnies?"
As for Mr. Libby’s particular situation, Mr. Skowron had these final thoughts:
"I hope this is the end of the matter. I’d hate to see this turn into some kind of Scootergate. After all, it would be a shame if this incident snowballed and put other great nicknames like "Turd Blossom", "Darth Vader" and "Dubya" at risk."
Bill "Moose" Skowron, current president of the Nickname Association of America, made it official yesterday by formally rescinding Mr. Libby’s sobriquet. As the former Yankees first baseman explained at a hastily convened press conference:
"We here at the NAA are deeply saddened by the actions of one of our members, Mr. I. Lewis Libby. Due to his recent criminal conviction, we had no choice but to rescind his nickname and seek a permanent injunction against him."
While many are applauding Mr. Skowron’s announcement, others wish something had been done sooner.
"Too little, too late," said Phil "Scooter" Rizzutto. "The damage has already been done."
When asked to elaborate, the former Yankee broadcaster and Hall of Fame shortstop said: "Holy cow! What good is my nickname now? That huckleberry Libby has tarnished it forever. Unbelievable! It’s like my old pal "Tricky Dick" Stewart. After that Nixon clown messed up, he was ashamed to use his nickname and spent the rest of his days known only as "Dick."
"With a nickname comes a certain responsibility," said Ed "Too Tall" Jones. "You can’t be selfish; you have to think of the others who also bear your moniker."
The former Dallas Cowboy said that a nickname holder’s actions can be devastating for like-named individuals. "Just look at the case of Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme who tried to shoot President Ford," said Mr. Jones. "You wouldn’t know it today but before she pulled the trigger, there were dozens of "Squeakys" out there. Now it would be easier to find someone named Adolph or Judas."
Mr. Rizzutto concurred. "I’m glad that the NAA has taken action. I just wish they’d done it back when that Libby guy was indicted. Now it’s too late. Maybe if he gets pardoned or awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the name "Scooter" can still be salvaged. But even then, I can’t see myself using it anymore."
Mr. Skowron took his membership’s concerns to heart and vowed to take stronger and swifter action in the future. "Maybe we should have acted sooner and changed Libby’s alias to "Scapegoat" or "Fall Guy" last year. Whatever course of action we choose, however, we can’t allow our precious national heritage of nicknames to be put at risk. Where would we be without our Tigers, our Rockys and our Arnies?"
As for Mr. Libby’s particular situation, Mr. Skowron had these final thoughts:
"I hope this is the end of the matter. I’d hate to see this turn into some kind of Scootergate. After all, it would be a shame if this incident snowballed and put other great nicknames like "Turd Blossom", "Darth Vader" and "Dubya" at risk."
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Queer Like John
Given the widespread negative reaction to her comment about former Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina, conservative pundit Ann Coulter today issued the following apology:
I don’t know what all the fuss is about. So I called Edwards a faggot. So what? The little liberal crybaby is now crying for his mommy because the big, bad columnist called him a name.
Whatever happened to "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me?" The next thing you know, he’s going to start whining every time I call him a "liberal." Oh, boohoo.
Let’s get serious here for a moment. If you look up the word "faggot" in the dictionary, it’s defined as a "bundle of sticks." So I called poor Johnny boy a bundle of sticks. Big deal. I get called "stick lady" or worse all the time. Be a mensch, John, or whatever the kikes call it.
And while we’re at it, what’s all the brouhaha about my using the word "raghead?" It’s a perfectly accurate term to describe some wog with a towel on his head. If people are going to take offense at that, then why don’t we just ban words like "gook", "spic" and "nigger", too?
The last time I looked, there was a little something in this country called the First Amendment. That means the right to free speech, a right that I proudly exercise on a daily, if not hourly, basis.
Anyway, Rush, Rudy, Mitt and the boys say I should apologize. I’m not sure for what. But if that’s what it takes to get them off my back (and to boost sales of the soon-to-be-released paperback edition of my book "Godless: The Church of Liberalism"), here goes:
I am truly sorry and deeply regret if anyone, including that little fairy Edwards, was in any way offended by my remarks. And if someone is going to be upset by my upcoming reference to that "homo" Obama, just remember, that’s what Canadians call whole milk. Then again, they’ve got socialized medicine, the frozen queers.
I don’t know what all the fuss is about. So I called Edwards a faggot. So what? The little liberal crybaby is now crying for his mommy because the big, bad columnist called him a name.
Whatever happened to "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me?" The next thing you know, he’s going to start whining every time I call him a "liberal." Oh, boohoo.
Let’s get serious here for a moment. If you look up the word "faggot" in the dictionary, it’s defined as a "bundle of sticks." So I called poor Johnny boy a bundle of sticks. Big deal. I get called "stick lady" or worse all the time. Be a mensch, John, or whatever the kikes call it.
And while we’re at it, what’s all the brouhaha about my using the word "raghead?" It’s a perfectly accurate term to describe some wog with a towel on his head. If people are going to take offense at that, then why don’t we just ban words like "gook", "spic" and "nigger", too?
The last time I looked, there was a little something in this country called the First Amendment. That means the right to free speech, a right that I proudly exercise on a daily, if not hourly, basis.
Anyway, Rush, Rudy, Mitt and the boys say I should apologize. I’m not sure for what. But if that’s what it takes to get them off my back (and to boost sales of the soon-to-be-released paperback edition of my book "Godless: The Church of Liberalism"), here goes:
I am truly sorry and deeply regret if anyone, including that little fairy Edwards, was in any way offended by my remarks. And if someone is going to be upset by my upcoming reference to that "homo" Obama, just remember, that’s what Canadians call whole milk. Then again, they’ve got socialized medicine, the frozen queers.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
And What's With That Round Ball?
Here's another excerpt from my book "My Friend W." This piece originally appeared on the op-ed page of the L. A. Times on June 21, 2002, just before that year's World Cup tournament.
The White House today released a copy of a letter from President Bush to Joseph Blatter, president of the international soccer association charged with organizing the World Cup:
Dear Joe:
As you know, I'm not a big soccer fan. Like most of my fellow Americans, I don't know an offsides from a corner kick.
But I do know one thing: People in this country don't care for soccer. It's not that they don't want to like it. It's just that it's so darn boring and confusing.
I think it would be a great step toward world peace and international understanding if all the world's nations could compete in one sport together. I understand you've already got a lot of nations onside with this soccer thing. Here are some friendly suggestions to help sign up the rest:
* Stop calling it football. It's not football, for Pete's sake. Football is the Giants versus the Redskins, the Cowboys versus the 49ers, Notre Dame versus Ohio State. Your game is soccer. S_O_K_E_R. Got it?
* Please put more lines on the field so we know where the players are. How about some horizontal, parallel lines every five yards or so to let us know where the action is?
* Give the players some helmets and padding. Boy, it's hard to watch a guy hit the ball with his uncovered head, or collapse in pain when someone bumps him, and not think this is a cruel and dangerous sport. I assure you that protective equipment will make everybody safer.
* Let one team have the ball for more than 10 seconds. Why not give each team four tries to make 10 yards, say? If they do, they get four more tries. Then you've got some continuity instead of the current chaos.
* Stop the clock once in a while. The referees have whistles; why not let them use them? I'm sure the players could use a break, and I'd sure like a chance to get a snack or use the bathroom. And you know what, Joe? I bet you'd get a lot more advertisers. You might even want to consider splitting each half up into two quarters to provide more ad time.
* Change that offsides rule. Who the heck understands that? I can't even figure it out in hockey, where they've got a blue line and everything. Why not line both teams up and call that the offsides line or, say, the line of scrimmage?
* I've got one word for you, Joe: cheerleaders. A group of attractive, athletic young ladies is always entertaining for the folks in the stands and those watching at home. Let's face it, Joe. Your game can be a bit of a yawn_fest, and it's always nice to look at pretty gals.
* Let the players use their hands. Joe, they look like a bunch of sissies out there with their arms hanging limp. Let 'em catch the ball and pass the ball. If they have to kick it, why not set up some goal posts at either end and let them try to kick the ball through the posts?
* Now this playoff business, or what you folks call the World Cup tournament. I used to be in the baseball business, and I did OK. But it wasn't from holding playoffs every four years! You gotta hold them every year, Joe.
Now, if you folks could implement these minor changes, I'm sure you'd get Americans coming to your games in droves. At that point, I doubt any of them would even care if you still called it football.
The White House today released a copy of a letter from President Bush to Joseph Blatter, president of the international soccer association charged with organizing the World Cup:
Dear Joe:
As you know, I'm not a big soccer fan. Like most of my fellow Americans, I don't know an offsides from a corner kick.
But I do know one thing: People in this country don't care for soccer. It's not that they don't want to like it. It's just that it's so darn boring and confusing.
I think it would be a great step toward world peace and international understanding if all the world's nations could compete in one sport together. I understand you've already got a lot of nations onside with this soccer thing. Here are some friendly suggestions to help sign up the rest:
* Stop calling it football. It's not football, for Pete's sake. Football is the Giants versus the Redskins, the Cowboys versus the 49ers, Notre Dame versus Ohio State. Your game is soccer. S_O_K_E_R. Got it?
* Please put more lines on the field so we know where the players are. How about some horizontal, parallel lines every five yards or so to let us know where the action is?
* Give the players some helmets and padding. Boy, it's hard to watch a guy hit the ball with his uncovered head, or collapse in pain when someone bumps him, and not think this is a cruel and dangerous sport. I assure you that protective equipment will make everybody safer.
* Let one team have the ball for more than 10 seconds. Why not give each team four tries to make 10 yards, say? If they do, they get four more tries. Then you've got some continuity instead of the current chaos.
* Stop the clock once in a while. The referees have whistles; why not let them use them? I'm sure the players could use a break, and I'd sure like a chance to get a snack or use the bathroom. And you know what, Joe? I bet you'd get a lot more advertisers. You might even want to consider splitting each half up into two quarters to provide more ad time.
* Change that offsides rule. Who the heck understands that? I can't even figure it out in hockey, where they've got a blue line and everything. Why not line both teams up and call that the offsides line or, say, the line of scrimmage?
* I've got one word for you, Joe: cheerleaders. A group of attractive, athletic young ladies is always entertaining for the folks in the stands and those watching at home. Let's face it, Joe. Your game can be a bit of a yawn_fest, and it's always nice to look at pretty gals.
* Let the players use their hands. Joe, they look like a bunch of sissies out there with their arms hanging limp. Let 'em catch the ball and pass the ball. If they have to kick it, why not set up some goal posts at either end and let them try to kick the ball through the posts?
* Now this playoff business, or what you folks call the World Cup tournament. I used to be in the baseball business, and I did OK. But it wasn't from holding playoffs every four years! You gotta hold them every year, Joe.
Now, if you folks could implement these minor changes, I'm sure you'd get Americans coming to your games in droves. At that point, I doubt any of them would even care if you still called it football.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Quebecois Idol
In politics, words matter. And in Québec politics, words matter a lot. What was once called "separation" is today referred to as "sovereignty-association" and now even the word "referendum" has been replaced with the phrase "popular consultation." If Parti Québécois leader André Boisclair can’t soon get some traction in the polls, look for these possible new additions to his party’s political glossary:
trial separation
Let’s not split up just yet. Instead we’ll just take a short break and see how things go. Nobody’s saying it’s over, at least not for now. Hey, what can it hurt?
friends with privileges
It’s what all the kids are doing these days. This will be the new relationship between Québec and the Rest of Canada. We’ll get all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities. How can you say no?
50-50 equitable split
Just like in a divorce, all we want is half of everything. But you can keep the TV set and the national debt. Fair enough?
national vote
It’s not a referendum; it’s just a national vote. You know, it’s just another of those Québec national things like the National Assembly, the National Archives of Québec and la Fête Nationale. No big deal really.
recreational inhalant
The new term to describe M. Boisclair’s previous substance of choice, cocaine. Not so much a drug as an innocent pastime.
win-win proposition
This is the new euphemism for separation that should appeal to all Québecers. Québec independence includes a Canadian passport, transfer payments and employment anywhere in Canada. What’s not to like?
living together
It’s just like marriage but without the license. We’ll still be friends and spend lots of time together but we’ll own our own things (and some of yours, too, n’est-ce pas?). Hey, maybe we can also have sex sometimes. Either way you’ll still be getting screwed.
Constitutional chat
We just want to talk about what might happen. Nobody’s saying "separation" or "independence" or anything crazy like that. We just want to experiment, that’s all. Kind of like trying a recreational inhalant. Nothing wrong with that.
phone-in vote
It’ll be a kind of political "Québécois Idol" on Radio-Canada (except we’ll call it Radio-Québec). Every week we’ll sing a different "chanson indépendentiste" and Québecers can vote for their favorite. Trust us; it’ll be fun.
trial separation
Let’s not split up just yet. Instead we’ll just take a short break and see how things go. Nobody’s saying it’s over, at least not for now. Hey, what can it hurt?
friends with privileges
It’s what all the kids are doing these days. This will be the new relationship between Québec and the Rest of Canada. We’ll get all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities. How can you say no?
50-50 equitable split
Just like in a divorce, all we want is half of everything. But you can keep the TV set and the national debt. Fair enough?
national vote
It’s not a referendum; it’s just a national vote. You know, it’s just another of those Québec national things like the National Assembly, the National Archives of Québec and la Fête Nationale. No big deal really.
recreational inhalant
The new term to describe M. Boisclair’s previous substance of choice, cocaine. Not so much a drug as an innocent pastime.
win-win proposition
This is the new euphemism for separation that should appeal to all Québecers. Québec independence includes a Canadian passport, transfer payments and employment anywhere in Canada. What’s not to like?
living together
It’s just like marriage but without the license. We’ll still be friends and spend lots of time together but we’ll own our own things (and some of yours, too, n’est-ce pas?). Hey, maybe we can also have sex sometimes. Either way you’ll still be getting screwed.
Constitutional chat
We just want to talk about what might happen. Nobody’s saying "separation" or "independence" or anything crazy like that. We just want to experiment, that’s all. Kind of like trying a recreational inhalant. Nothing wrong with that.
phone-in vote
It’ll be a kind of political "Québécois Idol" on Radio-Canada (except we’ll call it Radio-Québec). Every week we’ll sing a different "chanson indépendentiste" and Québecers can vote for their favorite. Trust us; it’ll be fun.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Plumbing the Depths
As a male, I take pride in my maleness which includes such typically male traits as an interest in sports, a love of red meat and a rapidly receding hairline. My only striking gender-specific failing is the absence of the handyman gene.
This sad genetic deficiency was recently brought home to me again during the quinquennial changing of the kitchen faucet cartridge. Approximately every five years, the CO2 cartridge nears empty, signalling that the faucet must be partially dismantled in order to install a new one.
As the CO2 disperses, the single lever handle of the faucet becomes harder and harder to lift. Rather than open my toolbox, I was willing to continue this ongoing test of my lever-lifting strength indefinitely. But once I saw my eleven-year old daughter Sarah using both hands to turn the water on, I knew it was time to take the metaphorical plunge.
Why this particular task should be so anxiety provoking would not be entirely clear to a neutral observer. After all, fifteen years ago I had actually installed the entire faucet by myself in a matter of hours and without injury or major flooding. And every five years since, I somehow managed to replace the cartridge.
So by my count, I had already successfully replaced the cartridge two times. You’d think that someone who had singlehandedly installed a kitchen faucet and then managed to twice replace the CO2 cartridge would be able to do it a third time in his sleep. But you would be wrong.
Although in theory I have ample experience in the field of faucet cartridge replacement, it only happens every five years. And being on the north side of fifty, anything that happens five months ago, much less five years ago, is pretty much a blur.
Nevertheless, early one recent evening I tackled the chore with blind faith knowing that it had been done before. Not just by millions of actual handymen but, most surprisingly, twice by me.
Years of experience taught me to turn off the water first. And the dismantling phase was straightforward enough. But when it came to the installation phase, the so-called fun began.
I managed to get the new cartridge inserted and secured. Eventually I even got the lever mechanism reattached or so I thought. But when I turned on the water, the handle was loose and water was leaking from the faucet.
At that point, having already spent half an hour at the sink, I knew this was no longer the ten-minute repair job that most men experience. I was once again putting in serious handyman overtime.
I dismantled and reassembled my project several times, each time remembering to turn off the water and close the sink trap. (Apparently some traumatic event in my plumbing repair history had burned at least these two useful lessons into my brain.) Progress was made but true success had not been achieved.
Finally, at about 10 P.M., I reached a point where the lever functioned although in a loose, floppy kind of way and there was little or no dripping when the faucet was closed. Our dog Oreo looked up from his bed underneath the kitchen table with a look that said: "Let it go, Dave. I need my sleep."
So I did let it go. For about thirty minutes. But I couldn’t leave the job uncompleted. Being the anal-retentive obsessive-compulsive that I am, I returned to the kitchen and tried again.
And to my surprise (and Oreo’s relief), I somehow managed to reattach the lever so that it was no longer loose and actually functioned properly.
As with past efforts, I had once again achieved success. At least success as I define it - i.e. - a completed job in less than three hours with no injuries and a minimum of water on the floor.
But the sad fact remains: I have now replaced the faucet cartridge three times but I somehow seem to have acquired precious little practical knowledge in the process. Despite my experience, I still rely mostly on fate, luck and magic to get the job done.
I’m hoping against hope that five years from now when it’s time to replace the cartridge again, I’ll remember to pull out this essay to help lead me through the plumbing darkness. But since I still don’t know how I did it even this time, I’m afraid that a new plumbing adventure is waiting for me sometime in the year 2012.
This sad genetic deficiency was recently brought home to me again during the quinquennial changing of the kitchen faucet cartridge. Approximately every five years, the CO2 cartridge nears empty, signalling that the faucet must be partially dismantled in order to install a new one.
As the CO2 disperses, the single lever handle of the faucet becomes harder and harder to lift. Rather than open my toolbox, I was willing to continue this ongoing test of my lever-lifting strength indefinitely. But once I saw my eleven-year old daughter Sarah using both hands to turn the water on, I knew it was time to take the metaphorical plunge.
Why this particular task should be so anxiety provoking would not be entirely clear to a neutral observer. After all, fifteen years ago I had actually installed the entire faucet by myself in a matter of hours and without injury or major flooding. And every five years since, I somehow managed to replace the cartridge.
So by my count, I had already successfully replaced the cartridge two times. You’d think that someone who had singlehandedly installed a kitchen faucet and then managed to twice replace the CO2 cartridge would be able to do it a third time in his sleep. But you would be wrong.
Although in theory I have ample experience in the field of faucet cartridge replacement, it only happens every five years. And being on the north side of fifty, anything that happens five months ago, much less five years ago, is pretty much a blur.
Nevertheless, early one recent evening I tackled the chore with blind faith knowing that it had been done before. Not just by millions of actual handymen but, most surprisingly, twice by me.
Years of experience taught me to turn off the water first. And the dismantling phase was straightforward enough. But when it came to the installation phase, the so-called fun began.
I managed to get the new cartridge inserted and secured. Eventually I even got the lever mechanism reattached or so I thought. But when I turned on the water, the handle was loose and water was leaking from the faucet.
At that point, having already spent half an hour at the sink, I knew this was no longer the ten-minute repair job that most men experience. I was once again putting in serious handyman overtime.
I dismantled and reassembled my project several times, each time remembering to turn off the water and close the sink trap. (Apparently some traumatic event in my plumbing repair history had burned at least these two useful lessons into my brain.) Progress was made but true success had not been achieved.
Finally, at about 10 P.M., I reached a point where the lever functioned although in a loose, floppy kind of way and there was little or no dripping when the faucet was closed. Our dog Oreo looked up from his bed underneath the kitchen table with a look that said: "Let it go, Dave. I need my sleep."
So I did let it go. For about thirty minutes. But I couldn’t leave the job uncompleted. Being the anal-retentive obsessive-compulsive that I am, I returned to the kitchen and tried again.
And to my surprise (and Oreo’s relief), I somehow managed to reattach the lever so that it was no longer loose and actually functioned properly.
As with past efforts, I had once again achieved success. At least success as I define it - i.e. - a completed job in less than three hours with no injuries and a minimum of water on the floor.
But the sad fact remains: I have now replaced the faucet cartridge three times but I somehow seem to have acquired precious little practical knowledge in the process. Despite my experience, I still rely mostly on fate, luck and magic to get the job done.
I’m hoping against hope that five years from now when it’s time to replace the cartridge again, I’ll remember to pull out this essay to help lead me through the plumbing darkness. But since I still don’t know how I did it even this time, I’m afraid that a new plumbing adventure is waiting for me sometime in the year 2012.
Friday, February 23, 2007
The Fillmores
February is prime time for awards ceremonies with the presentation of both the Grammys and the Oscars. Few people are aware, however, that February is also when the annual awards for outstanding achievement in politics are handed out. Last week’s Fillmore awards were hosted by Henry Kissinger and, for those who missed it, here are this year’s winners:
Best supporting role as a political party
The Democrats in the 2006 mid-term elections.
Most presidential President
The nominees included (1) George W. Bush, (2) Bill Clinton and (3) Jimmy Carter. And the winner was Josiah Bartlett, still the best president America never had.
Blackest Democratic presidential candidate
Vying for the award were (1) Jesse Jackson, (2) Al Sharpton and (3) Barack Obama. The winner for the twelfth straight year was Bill Clinton.
Best tax cut
The nominees were (1) George W. Bush’s ten-year, trillion dollar tax cut, (2) George W. Bush’s repeal of the estate tax and (3) George W. Bush’s elimination of the tax on dividends. And the winners were.....George W. Bush and the American upper class.
Best excuse for engaging in unilateral, extraterritorial, geopolitical excursions
The nominees included (1) weapons of mass destruction, (2) brutal dictatorship and (3) treaty violations. And the unanimous winner was "oil."
Evilest axis of evil: Iran and North Korea, tie
Evilest non-elected foreign leader
The winner was Osama bin Laden. Mr. bin Laden could not be present for the awards ceremony. Accepting on Mr. bin Laden’s behalf was Noam Chomsky.
Most confusing trio of foreign nations: Iran, Iraq and North Korea
Runners up: (1) Niger, Nigeria and Namibia, (2) Togo, Tonga and Tobago and (3) Turkmenistan, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan.
Best superpower: The United States. Runners up: none.
Best political acting in a non-elected role
The nominees included (1) Sean Penn, (2) Barbra Streisand and (3) Warren Beatty. And the Fillmore went to George W. Bush.
Best political source for late night comedians: George W. Bush. The runners up were (1) John Kerry, (2) Dick Cheney and (3) Dennis Kucinich.
Best political source for late night comedians - lifetime achievement award: Bill Clinton
Most frequently invoked religious figure in a political setting
The nominees included (1) Jesus Christ, (2) Mohammed and (3) Moses. And the winner was God. God was not present to accept the award but asked that all those invoking His name for political purposes go straight to Hell.
Most violated political document: The U.S. Constitution
Due to the absence of qualified candidates, the "Most compassionate conservative award" was not presented this year.
Best supporting role as a political party
The Democrats in the 2006 mid-term elections.
Most presidential President
The nominees included (1) George W. Bush, (2) Bill Clinton and (3) Jimmy Carter. And the winner was Josiah Bartlett, still the best president America never had.
Blackest Democratic presidential candidate
Vying for the award were (1) Jesse Jackson, (2) Al Sharpton and (3) Barack Obama. The winner for the twelfth straight year was Bill Clinton.
Best tax cut
The nominees were (1) George W. Bush’s ten-year, trillion dollar tax cut, (2) George W. Bush’s repeal of the estate tax and (3) George W. Bush’s elimination of the tax on dividends. And the winners were.....George W. Bush and the American upper class.
Best excuse for engaging in unilateral, extraterritorial, geopolitical excursions
The nominees included (1) weapons of mass destruction, (2) brutal dictatorship and (3) treaty violations. And the unanimous winner was "oil."
Evilest axis of evil: Iran and North Korea, tie
Evilest non-elected foreign leader
The winner was Osama bin Laden. Mr. bin Laden could not be present for the awards ceremony. Accepting on Mr. bin Laden’s behalf was Noam Chomsky.
Most confusing trio of foreign nations: Iran, Iraq and North Korea
Runners up: (1) Niger, Nigeria and Namibia, (2) Togo, Tonga and Tobago and (3) Turkmenistan, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan.
Best superpower: The United States. Runners up: none.
Best political acting in a non-elected role
The nominees included (1) Sean Penn, (2) Barbra Streisand and (3) Warren Beatty. And the Fillmore went to George W. Bush.
Best political source for late night comedians: George W. Bush. The runners up were (1) John Kerry, (2) Dick Cheney and (3) Dennis Kucinich.
Best political source for late night comedians - lifetime achievement award: Bill Clinton
Most frequently invoked religious figure in a political setting
The nominees included (1) Jesus Christ, (2) Mohammed and (3) Moses. And the winner was God. God was not present to accept the award but asked that all those invoking His name for political purposes go straight to Hell.
Most violated political document: The U.S. Constitution
Due to the absence of qualified candidates, the "Most compassionate conservative award" was not presented this year.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Black Like Me
Presidential candidate Barack Obama is being criticized for not being black enough. Despite having an African father and an American mother, some commentators argue that Obama is not African-American because he isn’t descended from slaves. Consequently, the ‘bona fides’ of other presidential candidates is also coming under scrutiny:
Hillary Clinton
Ms. Clinton is under attack for not being female enough. Although she bears some feminine characteristics, some commentators say she is not a true woman. After all, they say, wasn’t this the person who foreswore baking cookies and pouring tea during her husband’s first presidential campaign? Political consultants are advising her to dump the pantsuits, start wearing dresses and keep on smiling.
John Edwards
The 2004 Democratic vice presidential candidate is being criticized for not being southern enough. Despite the southern accent and good ole boy charm, the media is questioning his south of the Mason-Dixon line credentials. After all, he’s only from North Carolina, not South Carolina; he doesn’t have a Confederate flag sticker on his car and his neck is decidedly white. More NASCAR race attendance and gun ownership are definitely in order.
Tom Vilsack
The media is starting to question whether Tom Vilsack is obscure enough. One would have thought that being the governor of Iowa for eight years would guarantee anyone’s political anonymity. But apparently Mr. Vilsack is actually acquiring some minimal awareness in the presidential race. The fact that he’s almost as well known as Dennis Kucinich definitely threatens his hard-earned obscurity.
John McCain
The Arizona senator’s rep as a straight-shooting political moderate is under the media microscope. Famed for his ability to speak truth to power, Mr. McCain is now being scrutinized for some less-than-centrist positions. After all, someone who embraces Jerry Falwell and tries to out-surge George W. Bush may not, some suggest, be a true moderate. Some temporary liberal flip-flopping may be called for.
Mitt Romney
The former governor of Massachusetts is being attacked for not being a real Christian. Some say that a fellow who holds the Book of Mormon in higher esteem than the Bible can’t really be a true follower of Christ. If he were a true Christian, some say, he’d be a narrow-minded, sulphur-spewing fundamentalist like real American Christian politicians. Look for Mr. Romney to continue his rightward drift.
Rudy Giuliani
The New York City mayor is being criticized for not being Italian enough. "Sure, he has an Italian sounding name," say some in the media. "But where’s the real Azzurri?" True enough; Giuliani doesn’t hug, talk rapidly or use his hands when speaking. Rumor has it that the tough-talking former mayor doesn’t even like pasta. Watch for a definite spike in gladhanding and baby kissing.
Hillary Clinton
Ms. Clinton is under attack for not being female enough. Although she bears some feminine characteristics, some commentators say she is not a true woman. After all, they say, wasn’t this the person who foreswore baking cookies and pouring tea during her husband’s first presidential campaign? Political consultants are advising her to dump the pantsuits, start wearing dresses and keep on smiling.
John Edwards
The 2004 Democratic vice presidential candidate is being criticized for not being southern enough. Despite the southern accent and good ole boy charm, the media is questioning his south of the Mason-Dixon line credentials. After all, he’s only from North Carolina, not South Carolina; he doesn’t have a Confederate flag sticker on his car and his neck is decidedly white. More NASCAR race attendance and gun ownership are definitely in order.
Tom Vilsack
The media is starting to question whether Tom Vilsack is obscure enough. One would have thought that being the governor of Iowa for eight years would guarantee anyone’s political anonymity. But apparently Mr. Vilsack is actually acquiring some minimal awareness in the presidential race. The fact that he’s almost as well known as Dennis Kucinich definitely threatens his hard-earned obscurity.
John McCain
The Arizona senator’s rep as a straight-shooting political moderate is under the media microscope. Famed for his ability to speak truth to power, Mr. McCain is now being scrutinized for some less-than-centrist positions. After all, someone who embraces Jerry Falwell and tries to out-surge George W. Bush may not, some suggest, be a true moderate. Some temporary liberal flip-flopping may be called for.
Mitt Romney
The former governor of Massachusetts is being attacked for not being a real Christian. Some say that a fellow who holds the Book of Mormon in higher esteem than the Bible can’t really be a true follower of Christ. If he were a true Christian, some say, he’d be a narrow-minded, sulphur-spewing fundamentalist like real American Christian politicians. Look for Mr. Romney to continue his rightward drift.
Rudy Giuliani
The New York City mayor is being criticized for not being Italian enough. "Sure, he has an Italian sounding name," say some in the media. "But where’s the real Azzurri?" True enough; Giuliani doesn’t hug, talk rapidly or use his hands when speaking. Rumor has it that the tough-talking former mayor doesn’t even like pasta. Watch for a definite spike in gladhanding and baby kissing.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Political Glossary
Whether it’s this year or next, a federal election is on the political horizon. And that means hundreds of thousands of young Canadian adults will be eligible to vote for the first time. To assist them in the exercise of their new franchise, here’s a glossary of helpful terms:
minority government
A government comprised of a minority of House of Commons seats mostly won by a minority of votes in each riding. An efficient way for one-third of the electorate to rule the other two-thirds.
majority government
An archaic form of parliamentary government once popular in the previous century. Consisted of a House of Commons populated by a majority of members from one party. Passed from favor after Québec adopted Bloc voting and Ontario gave it up.
balance of power
Status given to the political party that has the votes to maintain a minority government in power. Disappears if ever exercised to defeat that government.
political spectrum
A continuum of political thought that joins the extreme right (fascism) with the extreme left (communism) when bent into a circle.
Senate
An anachronistic legislative body that once acted as a chamber of sober second thought. Now used as an employment agency for those who actually finished second.
House of Commons
An anachronistic legislative body once thought to be the center of federal political power in Canada. More recently replaced by the Prime Minister’s Office.
minister
An exalted member of Parliament who has titular status as a member of Cabinet so long as he or she does what the prime minister says.
prime minister
The informal head of all government ministers formerly described as first among equals. Now simply described as first.
neo-conservative
A modern political philosophy that borrows heavily from trickle-down economics and libertarianism. Makes most citizens long for paleo-conservatism.
conservative
A political ideology marked by one who prefers a cautious approach to change.
Conservative
A political party that can’t wait to change everything.
liberal
A political ideology that embraces individual liberty and non-traditional approaches to governance.
Liberal
A political party that embraces traditional means of group gratification.
NDP
Acronym for the New Democratic Party, a fringe grouping devoted to avoiding power. Ultimate aim is to be the balance of power in a minority government lasting more than six months.
minority government
A government comprised of a minority of House of Commons seats mostly won by a minority of votes in each riding. An efficient way for one-third of the electorate to rule the other two-thirds.
majority government
An archaic form of parliamentary government once popular in the previous century. Consisted of a House of Commons populated by a majority of members from one party. Passed from favor after Québec adopted Bloc voting and Ontario gave it up.
balance of power
Status given to the political party that has the votes to maintain a minority government in power. Disappears if ever exercised to defeat that government.
political spectrum
A continuum of political thought that joins the extreme right (fascism) with the extreme left (communism) when bent into a circle.
Senate
An anachronistic legislative body that once acted as a chamber of sober second thought. Now used as an employment agency for those who actually finished second.
House of Commons
An anachronistic legislative body once thought to be the center of federal political power in Canada. More recently replaced by the Prime Minister’s Office.
minister
An exalted member of Parliament who has titular status as a member of Cabinet so long as he or she does what the prime minister says.
prime minister
The informal head of all government ministers formerly described as first among equals. Now simply described as first.
neo-conservative
A modern political philosophy that borrows heavily from trickle-down economics and libertarianism. Makes most citizens long for paleo-conservatism.
conservative
A political ideology marked by one who prefers a cautious approach to change.
Conservative
A political party that can’t wait to change everything.
liberal
A political ideology that embraces individual liberty and non-traditional approaches to governance.
Liberal
A political party that embraces traditional means of group gratification.
NDP
Acronym for the New Democratic Party, a fringe grouping devoted to avoiding power. Ultimate aim is to be the balance of power in a minority government lasting more than six months.
Friday, February 16, 2007
The Upside of Global Warming
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has issued its ominous report on global warming. Predictably, the loonies on the left have cranked up the volume on their ongoing disaster broadcast. And chief among their villains are the members of the corporate community who they paint as the irresponsible merchants of doom.
All this wringing of hands, pointing of fingers and gnashing of teeth is, of course, pure balderdash. It matters little who created this false crisis. The more important question is: "What’s in it for me?"
If capitalism has taught us anything it’s that every cloud has a silver lining, that lemons are perfect for making lemonade and that "disaster" is just an anagram for "opportunity". Well, maybe that last one isn’t literally true but I think you get the idea.
The polar ice cap is melting? Stop whining and start cheering. That means we’ll finally have that lucrative Northwest Passage ancient explorers had been futilely searching for for centuries.
Increasing temperatures in northern climes? Who in their right mind would complain about that? Yes, we’ll have a few more deserts but there’s bound to be a longer growing season, too, right? And if it gets too hot, we’ll just circle the earth with giant mirrors.
More and more species becoming extinct? Hey, that’s life or, in this case, death. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Plus it’ll make it way easier for kids studying botany and zoology.
More intense and damaging storms? That may be true but they’ll apparently also be less frequent. I don’t know about you but I prefer one big hit every few years to several smaller ones. And think of the boost this will give to the meteorology, construction and insurance industries.
Rising sea levels threatening coastal residents? Come on now. For anyone who’s visited Venice, this can’t help but look like a moneymaker. Gondola rides down Broadway in New York City? Downtown water parks in L. A.? Can you say "booming economy"?
Enough with the naysaying nervous Nellies. Sure global warming sounds like a scary nightmare. But, as far as I can see, it’s just another capitalist dream.
After all, what does the free market system do when resources are scarce? That’s right; it moves on to the next exploitable source.
So don’t fret. Even if all those doomsday scenarios do come to pass, our corporate leaders will adapt. Remember; the last time I looked, there were still plenty of planets out there just waiting to be developed.
All this wringing of hands, pointing of fingers and gnashing of teeth is, of course, pure balderdash. It matters little who created this false crisis. The more important question is: "What’s in it for me?"
If capitalism has taught us anything it’s that every cloud has a silver lining, that lemons are perfect for making lemonade and that "disaster" is just an anagram for "opportunity". Well, maybe that last one isn’t literally true but I think you get the idea.
The polar ice cap is melting? Stop whining and start cheering. That means we’ll finally have that lucrative Northwest Passage ancient explorers had been futilely searching for for centuries.
Increasing temperatures in northern climes? Who in their right mind would complain about that? Yes, we’ll have a few more deserts but there’s bound to be a longer growing season, too, right? And if it gets too hot, we’ll just circle the earth with giant mirrors.
More and more species becoming extinct? Hey, that’s life or, in this case, death. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Plus it’ll make it way easier for kids studying botany and zoology.
More intense and damaging storms? That may be true but they’ll apparently also be less frequent. I don’t know about you but I prefer one big hit every few years to several smaller ones. And think of the boost this will give to the meteorology, construction and insurance industries.
Rising sea levels threatening coastal residents? Come on now. For anyone who’s visited Venice, this can’t help but look like a moneymaker. Gondola rides down Broadway in New York City? Downtown water parks in L. A.? Can you say "booming economy"?
Enough with the naysaying nervous Nellies. Sure global warming sounds like a scary nightmare. But, as far as I can see, it’s just another capitalist dream.
After all, what does the free market system do when resources are scarce? That’s right; it moves on to the next exploitable source.
So don’t fret. Even if all those doomsday scenarios do come to pass, our corporate leaders will adapt. Remember; the last time I looked, there were still plenty of planets out there just waiting to be developed.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Parliamentary Valentines
It’s Valentine’s Day and millions of schoolkids across the land will be giving one another cards. But most people are unaware of a similar tradition in the House of Commons where MPs also exchange special Valentine’s greetings. Here’s a sampling of this year’s cards:
Stephen Harper to Jack Layton
I really like to be with you,
You are my special friend.
But if you fail to vote with me,
Our friendship’s at an end.
Won’t you be my minority Valentine?
Jack Layton to Stephen Harper
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
So long as you’re green,
I’ll vote next to you.
Let’s be environmental Valentines.
Stephen Harper to Stéphane Dion
Sorry about the attack ads,
It’s kind of what we do.
But when it comes to Liberal leaders,
There’s none more prized than you.
Will you be my electoral Valentine?
Stéphane Dion to Stephen Harper
What’s in a name?
That which we call a Tory
By any other name would be as right.
So a Conservative would, were he not Reformer called.
Stephen, won’t you be my Opposition Valentine?
Garth Turner to Stéphane Dion
I was an old red Tory,
I’ve been a blue one, too.
But since I’ve joined your party,
I’m Liberal through and through.
Can I be your crossover Valentine?
Michael Ignatieff to Stéphane Dion
Love is patient and kind,
Love does not envy or boast,
It is not arrogant.
But mostly love is patient,
And I love waiting for you to fail.
Won’t you be my former leader?
Stephen Harper to Rona Ambrose
O my luve’s like a climate accord,
That’s newly broke in two.
We had to toss Kyoto,
And switch John Baird for you.
Please be my Intergovernmental Valentine.
Gilles Duceppe to everybody
I can’t be your lover,
And I can’t be your friend
Until we have "les deux nations"
And Canada will end.
Please be my separate Valentine.
Stephen Harper to Jack Layton
I really like to be with you,
You are my special friend.
But if you fail to vote with me,
Our friendship’s at an end.
Won’t you be my minority Valentine?
Jack Layton to Stephen Harper
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
So long as you’re green,
I’ll vote next to you.
Let’s be environmental Valentines.
Stephen Harper to Stéphane Dion
Sorry about the attack ads,
It’s kind of what we do.
But when it comes to Liberal leaders,
There’s none more prized than you.
Will you be my electoral Valentine?
Stéphane Dion to Stephen Harper
What’s in a name?
That which we call a Tory
By any other name would be as right.
So a Conservative would, were he not Reformer called.
Stephen, won’t you be my Opposition Valentine?
Garth Turner to Stéphane Dion
I was an old red Tory,
I’ve been a blue one, too.
But since I’ve joined your party,
I’m Liberal through and through.
Can I be your crossover Valentine?
Michael Ignatieff to Stéphane Dion
Love is patient and kind,
Love does not envy or boast,
It is not arrogant.
But mostly love is patient,
And I love waiting for you to fail.
Won’t you be my former leader?
Stephen Harper to Rona Ambrose
O my luve’s like a climate accord,
That’s newly broke in two.
We had to toss Kyoto,
And switch John Baird for you.
Please be my Intergovernmental Valentine.
Gilles Duceppe to everybody
I can’t be your lover,
And I can’t be your friend
Until we have "les deux nations"
And Canada will end.
Please be my separate Valentine.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Stop Complaining
Is it just me or are more and more people whining and complaining these days? It seems you can’t turn the page of a newspaper anymore without running into another pointless rant about something or other.
Whether it’s global warming or terrorism or the high price of gasoline, everyone seems to have to vent. And each of these complainers always seems to have the surefire solution to whatever’s bugging them.
If I see one more detailed diatribe by another member of the self-appointed pontificariat, I’m going to scream. After all, where do they get off proscribing and prescribing? Who died and made them king of the op-ed page?
I’ve had it up to here with smug, self-centered solutions to non-existent problems. Ask me how much I care if you can’t smoke in your favorite restaurant or let your dog off his leash or ride your bicycle without wearing a helmet. If you guessed "Not at all", then for once in your life, you’re absolutely right.
Whatever happened to reasonable discourse? Can’t people just agree to disagree and leave it at that? Or, better yet, why not just adopt the obvious sensible solution to any problem and do it my way?
It’s not as if I haven’t tried to lend a sympathetic ear to the daily screeds of others. Too many drivers running red lights? Too few moving over to the slow lane? Too little basic courtesy?
Yes, yes and yes. But so what? Did anyone listen to your rant, much less care? Of course not.
Your temper-filled tirade was about as useful as a rearranged deck chair on the Titanic and even less appealing. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you have even complained at one time or another about the lack/surfeit/expense/design/size of Titanic deck chairs.
Do you know how annoying it is to have to listen to your ceaseless carping and complaining about your latest pet peeve? I didn’t think so but I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s really, really, really annoying.
For those of you who can’t count, that’s annoying times three. Consider how angry you are about seat belt laws, buses-only lanes or owners who don’t scoop their dog’s poop and then multiply that anger by three. That’s how ticked off I am by the legion of niggling naysayers that populate today’s media.
If I wanted a steady diet of complaining, I’d invite Andy Rooney to dinner or buy all his books on tape and listen to them until my head exploded. But then you’d probably complain about the mess that would make, wouldn’t you? Isn’t that just typical.
Anyway, I have no intention of sinking to your level. I’ll just keep my opinions to myself and let others cry and moan. Because that’s just the kind of guy I am.
Whether it’s global warming or terrorism or the high price of gasoline, everyone seems to have to vent. And each of these complainers always seems to have the surefire solution to whatever’s bugging them.
If I see one more detailed diatribe by another member of the self-appointed pontificariat, I’m going to scream. After all, where do they get off proscribing and prescribing? Who died and made them king of the op-ed page?
I’ve had it up to here with smug, self-centered solutions to non-existent problems. Ask me how much I care if you can’t smoke in your favorite restaurant or let your dog off his leash or ride your bicycle without wearing a helmet. If you guessed "Not at all", then for once in your life, you’re absolutely right.
Whatever happened to reasonable discourse? Can’t people just agree to disagree and leave it at that? Or, better yet, why not just adopt the obvious sensible solution to any problem and do it my way?
It’s not as if I haven’t tried to lend a sympathetic ear to the daily screeds of others. Too many drivers running red lights? Too few moving over to the slow lane? Too little basic courtesy?
Yes, yes and yes. But so what? Did anyone listen to your rant, much less care? Of course not.
Your temper-filled tirade was about as useful as a rearranged deck chair on the Titanic and even less appealing. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you have even complained at one time or another about the lack/surfeit/expense/design/size of Titanic deck chairs.
Do you know how annoying it is to have to listen to your ceaseless carping and complaining about your latest pet peeve? I didn’t think so but I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s really, really, really annoying.
For those of you who can’t count, that’s annoying times three. Consider how angry you are about seat belt laws, buses-only lanes or owners who don’t scoop their dog’s poop and then multiply that anger by three. That’s how ticked off I am by the legion of niggling naysayers that populate today’s media.
If I wanted a steady diet of complaining, I’d invite Andy Rooney to dinner or buy all his books on tape and listen to them until my head exploded. But then you’d probably complain about the mess that would make, wouldn’t you? Isn’t that just typical.
Anyway, I have no intention of sinking to your level. I’ll just keep my opinions to myself and let others cry and moan. Because that’s just the kind of guy I am.
Monday, February 05, 2007
When Presidents Dream
When Presidents dream:
Jimmy Carter
I’m standing in the Rose Garden. It’s 1980 and I’m pinning medals on the chests of the soldiers who pulled off the successful rescue of the Iran hostages. My popularity rating has soared to the mid-70s and it looks like the Republicans are basically conceding the election by running that former B-movie star Ronald Reagan as their candidate. Then brother Billy walks past the podium pantless with a beer in his hand. I wake up crying, again.
George H. W. Bush
It’s November 1992. Bill Clinton is caught in a three-way and I win reelection in the greatest landslide in American history. Even Reagan has to concede the greatness of my presidency. Now I can get down to business and create a legacy even Ike would be envious of. And to clinch the deal, I start grooming Jeb to become my successor. George Jr. seems put out until I tell him he can have his own baseball team to play with. Then I remember he’s still in The White House and I wake up shaking.
Bill Clinton
I’m flying. I’m on a plane. It’s Air Force Two, the Vice President’s plane. I turn to my young comely aide who says "Mr. Vice President, Mrs. Clinton has resigned." I’m sorry for Hillary, of course, but if there’s anything she should have learned from my presidential tenure, it’s that you shouldn’t fool around with interns. Since she’s only one month into her presidency, I’ve got almost a full four years to be President again. Hot damn, this is going to be fun! "Get me Al Gore on the phone," I say to the aide as I unwrap a brand new Monte Christo. "Boy, is he going to be pissed." Hillary’s alarm goes off, I wake up, realize I’ve got nothing to do and go back to sleep.
George W. Bush
It’s way in the future, 2030 maybe. There’s an open coffin in the Rotunda of the Capitol Building. I’m lying in it. I’m dead but I still look pretty good. People are walking past crying and paying their respects. I hear one guy say: "He was our greatest President ever." Another guy says: "Can you believe that he was so unpopular in his day? Couldn’t those people see that Iraq would eventually become a strong democracy and bring peace to the Middle East?" Then Jeb walks by and says: "Big brother, you were the best. Nobody could have topped you, not even Dad." When I look in the coffin again, it now contains Bill Clinton’s body. I scream and wake up in a cold sweat.
Jimmy Carter
I’m standing in the Rose Garden. It’s 1980 and I’m pinning medals on the chests of the soldiers who pulled off the successful rescue of the Iran hostages. My popularity rating has soared to the mid-70s and it looks like the Republicans are basically conceding the election by running that former B-movie star Ronald Reagan as their candidate. Then brother Billy walks past the podium pantless with a beer in his hand. I wake up crying, again.
George H. W. Bush
It’s November 1992. Bill Clinton is caught in a three-way and I win reelection in the greatest landslide in American history. Even Reagan has to concede the greatness of my presidency. Now I can get down to business and create a legacy even Ike would be envious of. And to clinch the deal, I start grooming Jeb to become my successor. George Jr. seems put out until I tell him he can have his own baseball team to play with. Then I remember he’s still in The White House and I wake up shaking.
Bill Clinton
I’m flying. I’m on a plane. It’s Air Force Two, the Vice President’s plane. I turn to my young comely aide who says "Mr. Vice President, Mrs. Clinton has resigned." I’m sorry for Hillary, of course, but if there’s anything she should have learned from my presidential tenure, it’s that you shouldn’t fool around with interns. Since she’s only one month into her presidency, I’ve got almost a full four years to be President again. Hot damn, this is going to be fun! "Get me Al Gore on the phone," I say to the aide as I unwrap a brand new Monte Christo. "Boy, is he going to be pissed." Hillary’s alarm goes off, I wake up, realize I’ve got nothing to do and go back to sleep.
George W. Bush
It’s way in the future, 2030 maybe. There’s an open coffin in the Rotunda of the Capitol Building. I’m lying in it. I’m dead but I still look pretty good. People are walking past crying and paying their respects. I hear one guy say: "He was our greatest President ever." Another guy says: "Can you believe that he was so unpopular in his day? Couldn’t those people see that Iraq would eventually become a strong democracy and bring peace to the Middle East?" Then Jeb walks by and says: "Big brother, you were the best. Nobody could have topped you, not even Dad." When I look in the coffin again, it now contains Bill Clinton’s body. I scream and wake up in a cold sweat.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Washington Side Bets
Side bets, known in casino parlance as "propositions" and encompassing just about anything under the sun, have grown so wildly popular that they rival more traditional wagers made on the Super Bowl, Las Vegas sports book operators say."
- L. A. Times - Feb. 1, 2007
Las Vegas bookies have been coming up with more and more side bets to entice football fans to bet on the Super Bowl. Everything from comparing points in the game to scores in other sporting events to establishing special odds for an overtime game have helped to generate millions more in wagering. In order to appeal to a wider fan base, Las Vegas has apparently decided this year to add some politically-themed propositions including the following Washington side bets:
* Which will be greater, the halftime point spread or the number of declared Democratic presidential candidates?
* Who will fumble first, Peyton Manning or George W. Bush?
* Which will be greater, the total number of field goals or the length in years of Scooter Libby’s prison sentence?
* Which will be higher, the total number of points scored by the winning team or President Bush’s approval rating?
* Odds of either team achieving victory by a margin of more than 70 points: 21,500 to one.
* Which will be greater, the average cost of a 30-second halftime television ad or the amount spent per minute on the Iraq War?
* Will the total number of safeties scored in the Super Bowl be greater than or equal to the number of jokes told by Hillary Clinton?
* Which will be greater, the total game yardage or the number of times Bush has said "evil"?
* Which will occur first, a score by either team in the first two seconds or an apology by Dick Cheney?
* Which will be greater, Chicago’s total rushing yardage or Ted Kennedy’s post-game weight?
* Odds of game going into double overtime: roughly the same as Democratic Congress passing a binding resolution against escalating the war.
* Which will be greater, the number of passes attempted or the number of times Bush says "surge" instead of "escalation"?
* Which will be longer, Prince’s halftime show or Bush’s last State of the Union speech?
* Odds that the Iraq War will end before the Super Bowl: astronomical.
- L. A. Times - Feb. 1, 2007
Las Vegas bookies have been coming up with more and more side bets to entice football fans to bet on the Super Bowl. Everything from comparing points in the game to scores in other sporting events to establishing special odds for an overtime game have helped to generate millions more in wagering. In order to appeal to a wider fan base, Las Vegas has apparently decided this year to add some politically-themed propositions including the following Washington side bets:
* Which will be greater, the halftime point spread or the number of declared Democratic presidential candidates?
* Who will fumble first, Peyton Manning or George W. Bush?
* Which will be greater, the total number of field goals or the length in years of Scooter Libby’s prison sentence?
* Which will be higher, the total number of points scored by the winning team or President Bush’s approval rating?
* Odds of either team achieving victory by a margin of more than 70 points: 21,500 to one.
* Which will be greater, the average cost of a 30-second halftime television ad or the amount spent per minute on the Iraq War?
* Will the total number of safeties scored in the Super Bowl be greater than or equal to the number of jokes told by Hillary Clinton?
* Which will be greater, the total game yardage or the number of times Bush has said "evil"?
* Which will occur first, a score by either team in the first two seconds or an apology by Dick Cheney?
* Which will be greater, Chicago’s total rushing yardage or Ted Kennedy’s post-game weight?
* Odds of game going into double overtime: roughly the same as Democratic Congress passing a binding resolution against escalating the war.
* Which will be greater, the number of passes attempted or the number of times Bush says "surge" instead of "escalation"?
* Which will be longer, Prince’s halftime show or Bush’s last State of the Union speech?
* Odds that the Iraq War will end before the Super Bowl: astronomical.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
P. J. O'Rourke Revisited
In his 2001 book "The CEO of the Sofa", humorist P. J. O’Rourke takes aim at two of his favorite targets: socialism and liberalism. According to O’Rourke, next to fascism and communism, these two "isms" are the silliest political philosophies extant insofar as they prescribe government intervention for the commonweal.
Given that much of the 20th century was guided by socialism and liberalism, O’Rourke had lots to satirize and ridicule. Well now it’s my turn. Since Mr. O’Rourke took his shots at the political left in 2001, there have been six years of his favorite styles of governance: plutocracy and neo-conservatism. I wonder how that turned out.
If you’re an average American, ask yourself how George W. Bush’s compassionate conservatism has worked out for you. I bet the trickle down effect from all those tax cuts for the wealthy has already kicked in, right?
Yeah, I didn’t think so. You see, if you put neo-conservatives in power, it’s like handing your teenage son a case of beer and the keys to the car and telling him to have a good time. Neo-cons talk a good tale in opposition but become unrestrained, irresponsible ideologues when in power.
As I recall the turn of the millennium, things were pretty good. Healthy economy, annual surpluses, social stability. "What the heck happened?" you’re probably asking. Well, as the kids today might put it: "Bush happens."
It’s not as if we didn’t have warnings. The Reagan years provided ample evidence that neo-conservatives shouldn’t be left home alone. Eight years of "Morning in America" may have superficially felt good with the avuncular Mr. Reagan in charge. But it turns out that old Uncle Ronnie was up to no good. By the end of his sunny reign, the country had been devastated by Iran-Contra, the Savings and Loan scandal and a tripling of the national debt.
That’s right; a tripling of the national debt. Brought to you by the folks who condemn Democrats as tax and spend liberals. Some think it ironic that it took a Democratic administration to clean up the mess and restore the government books to a surplus position. But there’s no irony in that, just history.
If you want a fiscally responsible government, your better bet is to go with the Democrats. They may not be the greatest administrators in the world but, even at their worst, they’ll take longer to piss your money away than the Republicans.
And with the Democrats, at least at the end of the day, you’ve probably got a little something to show for your money. But with the Republicans at the wheel, when the ride is over, the interior’s trashed, the stereo’s stolen and the engine’s blown. And worst of all, they forgot to renew the insurance.
Contrary to the ardent belief of the neo-cons, liberals don’t want to kill capitalism. It’s just that if you have big business, you need big government to keep it in check.
Big business is kind of like a nineteen-year old frat boy at a kegger. It has no conscience, no sense of social responsibility and no long term view. All it cares about is generating higher profits and CEO salaries - the sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll of the corporate world. Beyond that, who cares?
And that same philosophy is evident in big business’s political apologists. Cut taxes for the wealthy today and don’t worry about debt and deficits. Invade Iraq now, get rid of Saddam Hussein and don’t give a thought to what happens next. Cut regulatory spending to the bone and forget about long term consequences like post-hurricane flooding, global warming and e-coli outbreaks.
This myopic governance is ironic for another reason. For if neo-conservatives actually sat down and applied economic fundamentals to governing, they’d likely become neo-liberals.
Time and again, studies have shown that a dollar spent now on such things as health, education and welfare for the poor will save three, four or five dollars in the future. Spend a buck today on an inner city school or clinic and you’ll avoid forking out many more dollars ten or twenty years from now on additional police and bigger prisons.
You’d think that such a hefty return on the dollar would have neo-con capitalists lining up to support poverty assistance programs. But unless they can see results in the next ninety days, they’d rather spend the big bucks years down the road.
In the fable of the ant and the grasshopper, Republicans would have you believe that liberals play the role of the free-spending, unproductive grasshopper. But neo-cons are, in fact, the ones who don’t plan for winter, much less the next quarter.
P. J. O’Rourke is undoubtedly a funny man. However, looking back at his words of six years ago, it’s hard to fathom that he actually believed all the nonsense he wrote. Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. But the sad fact remains that his misguided wit was, in some small way, partly responsible for the election of George W. Bush and the resulting national nightmare.
Now I’d like to have some fun and play the role of a liberal P. J. O’Rourke. But given the mess his boy has created, there’s really no time for that. If we’re going to clean it up, it’s going to take all hands on deck working around the clock to restore America to its former greatness.
So what do you say, Mr. O’Rourke? We’ve only got two more years to ensure a Democrat gets back in The White House. Apology accepted and let’s get to work.
Given that much of the 20th century was guided by socialism and liberalism, O’Rourke had lots to satirize and ridicule. Well now it’s my turn. Since Mr. O’Rourke took his shots at the political left in 2001, there have been six years of his favorite styles of governance: plutocracy and neo-conservatism. I wonder how that turned out.
If you’re an average American, ask yourself how George W. Bush’s compassionate conservatism has worked out for you. I bet the trickle down effect from all those tax cuts for the wealthy has already kicked in, right?
Yeah, I didn’t think so. You see, if you put neo-conservatives in power, it’s like handing your teenage son a case of beer and the keys to the car and telling him to have a good time. Neo-cons talk a good tale in opposition but become unrestrained, irresponsible ideologues when in power.
As I recall the turn of the millennium, things were pretty good. Healthy economy, annual surpluses, social stability. "What the heck happened?" you’re probably asking. Well, as the kids today might put it: "Bush happens."
It’s not as if we didn’t have warnings. The Reagan years provided ample evidence that neo-conservatives shouldn’t be left home alone. Eight years of "Morning in America" may have superficially felt good with the avuncular Mr. Reagan in charge. But it turns out that old Uncle Ronnie was up to no good. By the end of his sunny reign, the country had been devastated by Iran-Contra, the Savings and Loan scandal and a tripling of the national debt.
That’s right; a tripling of the national debt. Brought to you by the folks who condemn Democrats as tax and spend liberals. Some think it ironic that it took a Democratic administration to clean up the mess and restore the government books to a surplus position. But there’s no irony in that, just history.
If you want a fiscally responsible government, your better bet is to go with the Democrats. They may not be the greatest administrators in the world but, even at their worst, they’ll take longer to piss your money away than the Republicans.
And with the Democrats, at least at the end of the day, you’ve probably got a little something to show for your money. But with the Republicans at the wheel, when the ride is over, the interior’s trashed, the stereo’s stolen and the engine’s blown. And worst of all, they forgot to renew the insurance.
Contrary to the ardent belief of the neo-cons, liberals don’t want to kill capitalism. It’s just that if you have big business, you need big government to keep it in check.
Big business is kind of like a nineteen-year old frat boy at a kegger. It has no conscience, no sense of social responsibility and no long term view. All it cares about is generating higher profits and CEO salaries - the sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll of the corporate world. Beyond that, who cares?
And that same philosophy is evident in big business’s political apologists. Cut taxes for the wealthy today and don’t worry about debt and deficits. Invade Iraq now, get rid of Saddam Hussein and don’t give a thought to what happens next. Cut regulatory spending to the bone and forget about long term consequences like post-hurricane flooding, global warming and e-coli outbreaks.
This myopic governance is ironic for another reason. For if neo-conservatives actually sat down and applied economic fundamentals to governing, they’d likely become neo-liberals.
Time and again, studies have shown that a dollar spent now on such things as health, education and welfare for the poor will save three, four or five dollars in the future. Spend a buck today on an inner city school or clinic and you’ll avoid forking out many more dollars ten or twenty years from now on additional police and bigger prisons.
You’d think that such a hefty return on the dollar would have neo-con capitalists lining up to support poverty assistance programs. But unless they can see results in the next ninety days, they’d rather spend the big bucks years down the road.
In the fable of the ant and the grasshopper, Republicans would have you believe that liberals play the role of the free-spending, unproductive grasshopper. But neo-cons are, in fact, the ones who don’t plan for winter, much less the next quarter.
P. J. O’Rourke is undoubtedly a funny man. However, looking back at his words of six years ago, it’s hard to fathom that he actually believed all the nonsense he wrote. Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. But the sad fact remains that his misguided wit was, in some small way, partly responsible for the election of George W. Bush and the resulting national nightmare.
Now I’d like to have some fun and play the role of a liberal P. J. O’Rourke. But given the mess his boy has created, there’s really no time for that. If we’re going to clean it up, it’s going to take all hands on deck working around the clock to restore America to its former greatness.
So what do you say, Mr. O’Rourke? We’ve only got two more years to ensure a Democrat gets back in The White House. Apology accepted and let’s get to work.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
A True Original
In the words of John Stuart Mill: "All good things which exist are the fruits of originality."
To rely solely on the words and works of others is to wallow in mediocrity. It’s always better to strike out on your own and fail than to safely cling to the tried and true and thereby gain only a pale imitation of success.
One could do worse than, as Shakespeare wrote, "If you will lead these graces to the grave. And leave the world no copy."
For a life lived by its own rules will always shine brighter than the life lived in harness to those around it.
Even if your job is to translate the works of others, break the mould and rise above the mundane. Then you can at least aspire to achieve the praise of one like Jorge Luis Borges who once said of a translator’s work: "The original is unfaithful to the translation."
Aspire to be like England’s great bard who Ralph Waldo Emerson referenced thus: "When Shakespeare is charged with debts to his authors, Landor replies, ‘Yet he was more original than his originals.’" Remember, as did Oliver Wendell Holmes, that "A thought is often original, though you have uttered it a hundred times."
One might take the view that "Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met." (Fran Lebowitz) Or as Goethe mused: "The most original authors of today are original not because they create something new but because they are capable of saying such things as if they had never been said before."
I find such a stance to be somewhat cynical and defeatist. And to be a cynic is, in Oscar Wilde’s estimation, to be "A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing."
And remember, as Richard Nixon so eloquently put it: "Defeat doesn’t finish a man - quit does. A man is not finished when he is defeated. He’s finished when he quits."
Gaston Bachelard wrote: "There is no original truth, only original error." But I prefer the words of Brenda Ueland who said: "Everybody is talented, original and has something important to say."
Even me.
To rely solely on the words and works of others is to wallow in mediocrity. It’s always better to strike out on your own and fail than to safely cling to the tried and true and thereby gain only a pale imitation of success.
One could do worse than, as Shakespeare wrote, "If you will lead these graces to the grave. And leave the world no copy."
For a life lived by its own rules will always shine brighter than the life lived in harness to those around it.
Even if your job is to translate the works of others, break the mould and rise above the mundane. Then you can at least aspire to achieve the praise of one like Jorge Luis Borges who once said of a translator’s work: "The original is unfaithful to the translation."
Aspire to be like England’s great bard who Ralph Waldo Emerson referenced thus: "When Shakespeare is charged with debts to his authors, Landor replies, ‘Yet he was more original than his originals.’" Remember, as did Oliver Wendell Holmes, that "A thought is often original, though you have uttered it a hundred times."
One might take the view that "Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met." (Fran Lebowitz) Or as Goethe mused: "The most original authors of today are original not because they create something new but because they are capable of saying such things as if they had never been said before."
I find such a stance to be somewhat cynical and defeatist. And to be a cynic is, in Oscar Wilde’s estimation, to be "A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing."
And remember, as Richard Nixon so eloquently put it: "Defeat doesn’t finish a man - quit does. A man is not finished when he is defeated. He’s finished when he quits."
Gaston Bachelard wrote: "There is no original truth, only original error." But I prefer the words of Brenda Ueland who said: "Everybody is talented, original and has something important to say."
Even me.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Take It From Me
As I rapidly approach my 57th birthday, I figure it’s time to share my wisdom with the world. For those of you starting out in life, save yourself some trouble and heed the following hard-earned life lessons:
* Read the instructions BEFORE assembling.
* Don’t start the windshield wipers if they’re iced over.
* Pay someone to plow your driveway.
* Always (and I stress the word "always") turn off the main water supply before attempting plumbing repairs.
* Apart from simple washer replacements, don’t attempt plumbing repairs.
* Oil spots underneath your car should not be ignored.
* Don’t buy items that say "Some Assembly Required" on the box.
* If it takes more than a screwdriver and a hammer, hire someone else to do it.
* Don’t drink and dial.
* Don’t say "I love you" unless you’re sober.
* Learn what poison ivy leaves look like.
* Always keep calamine lotion in your medicine cabinet.
* Don’t assume you had chicken pox as a child.
* Do not accept invitations to attend sales presentations to receive "your free gift."
* Pay the extra $25 to have the gas barbecue assembled.
* Don’t try to repair a 30-year old lawn mower.
* Back up your computer files regularly. ("Regularly" means more often than every time the hard drive crashes.)
* Check the expiry date before drinking milk or juice directly from the carton.
* Cook meat from the refrigerator before it turns green.
* Don’t buy a used car unless you know the previous owner.
* Don’t buy a second used car from the same dealer until the first car is at least a year old.
* Don’t try to "tighten" a loose connection in a light fixture with a small piece of aluminum foil.
* Keep a spare remote control handy.
* Buy an artificial Christmas tree.
* Always say "No."
* Read the instructions BEFORE assembling.
* Don’t start the windshield wipers if they’re iced over.
* Pay someone to plow your driveway.
* Always (and I stress the word "always") turn off the main water supply before attempting plumbing repairs.
* Apart from simple washer replacements, don’t attempt plumbing repairs.
* Oil spots underneath your car should not be ignored.
* Don’t buy items that say "Some Assembly Required" on the box.
* If it takes more than a screwdriver and a hammer, hire someone else to do it.
* Don’t drink and dial.
* Don’t say "I love you" unless you’re sober.
* Learn what poison ivy leaves look like.
* Always keep calamine lotion in your medicine cabinet.
* Don’t assume you had chicken pox as a child.
* Do not accept invitations to attend sales presentations to receive "your free gift."
* Pay the extra $25 to have the gas barbecue assembled.
* Don’t try to repair a 30-year old lawn mower.
* Back up your computer files regularly. ("Regularly" means more often than every time the hard drive crashes.)
* Check the expiry date before drinking milk or juice directly from the carton.
* Cook meat from the refrigerator before it turns green.
* Don’t buy a used car unless you know the previous owner.
* Don’t buy a second used car from the same dealer until the first car is at least a year old.
* Don’t try to "tighten" a loose connection in a light fixture with a small piece of aluminum foil.
* Keep a spare remote control handy.
* Buy an artificial Christmas tree.
* Always say "No."
Friday, January 26, 2007
The International Schoolyard
Overheard recently during recess in the international schoolyard:
CANADA: Boy, I’m really tired of that U.S. He’s always picking on people, telling them what to do and stealing their oil money.
FRANCE: Oui, d’accord. He ees, how you say, a real bully.
IRAN: Yeah and he’s always sticking up for that shrimp Israel. If I could just get that little runt alone, I’d push his face into the sea.
PAKISTAN: Tell me about it. I keep having to pretend to be his friend so he won’t beat me up. But when he’s not looking, I just do what I want.
SAUDI ARABIA: That’s the way to handle him. Be nice to his face and pay others to knock his toys over.
CANADA: Oh-oh. Here he comes. Cuba, you better scram because you really set him off.
FRANCE: He has his leetle buddy U.K. with him again. Oh how I detest that beef-eating bootlicker.
PAKISTAN: Look, U.S. has still got poor Iraq in a headlock although he’s putting up a good fight.
U.K.: Hey, get out of the way. U.S. is coming through. Give him some room.
U.S.: Hi guys. Good to see you. What’s your name squirt? Canada, right? Aren’t you the little guy who wouldn’t help me beat up Iraq?
CANADA: Uh...hi, U.S. Great to see you. You know you’re my favorite superpower.
U.K.: Of course he is, you dummy. He’s the only superpower.
CANADA: Heh-heh. That’s what I meant. And don’t forget, U.S., I helped you beat up Afghanistan.
U.S.: You did? I didn’t notice but OK, I’ll take your word for it
IRAN: Hey, U.S. Why don’t you let Iraq go and pick on someone your own size?
U.S.: Don’t tempt me Iran. Once I’m finished with this clown, I’m coming after you.
IRAN: Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nah! You wouldn’t dare, especially now that I have my new toys.
NORTH KOREA: Look, look! I’m running with scissors!
U.S.: OK, OK. Slow down.
U.K.: Yeah, we’re backing away.
U.S.: Here, you guys can have Iraq back. We’re done with him. But next time we need some oil, you better pay up.
U.K.: That’s right. If my pal U.S. says so, you better listen.
CANADA: Sure, sure, U.S., Whatever you say.
FRANCE: (sotto voce) Maudit Americains.
CANADA: Boy, I’m really tired of that U.S. He’s always picking on people, telling them what to do and stealing their oil money.
FRANCE: Oui, d’accord. He ees, how you say, a real bully.
IRAN: Yeah and he’s always sticking up for that shrimp Israel. If I could just get that little runt alone, I’d push his face into the sea.
PAKISTAN: Tell me about it. I keep having to pretend to be his friend so he won’t beat me up. But when he’s not looking, I just do what I want.
SAUDI ARABIA: That’s the way to handle him. Be nice to his face and pay others to knock his toys over.
CANADA: Oh-oh. Here he comes. Cuba, you better scram because you really set him off.
FRANCE: He has his leetle buddy U.K. with him again. Oh how I detest that beef-eating bootlicker.
PAKISTAN: Look, U.S. has still got poor Iraq in a headlock although he’s putting up a good fight.
U.K.: Hey, get out of the way. U.S. is coming through. Give him some room.
U.S.: Hi guys. Good to see you. What’s your name squirt? Canada, right? Aren’t you the little guy who wouldn’t help me beat up Iraq?
CANADA: Uh...hi, U.S. Great to see you. You know you’re my favorite superpower.
U.K.: Of course he is, you dummy. He’s the only superpower.
CANADA: Heh-heh. That’s what I meant. And don’t forget, U.S., I helped you beat up Afghanistan.
U.S.: You did? I didn’t notice but OK, I’ll take your word for it
IRAN: Hey, U.S. Why don’t you let Iraq go and pick on someone your own size?
U.S.: Don’t tempt me Iran. Once I’m finished with this clown, I’m coming after you.
IRAN: Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nah! You wouldn’t dare, especially now that I have my new toys.
NORTH KOREA: Look, look! I’m running with scissors!
U.S.: OK, OK. Slow down.
U.K.: Yeah, we’re backing away.
U.S.: Here, you guys can have Iraq back. We’re done with him. But next time we need some oil, you better pay up.
U.K.: That’s right. If my pal U.S. says so, you better listen.
CANADA: Sure, sure, U.S., Whatever you say.
FRANCE: (sotto voce) Maudit Americains.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
The State of the Household Address
My fellow householders. I come to you tonight to report on the state of the Martin household. Although 2006 was a year of unprecedented challenges, I am proud to report that 2305 Samuel Drive is stronger than ever.
Thanks to the financial stewardship of yours truly, we weathered the uncertainties in the economy. By maintaining my famous low profile at work, I avoided last July’s layoffs. And, despite historically low productivity levels, fortune smiled on me as I received an unexpected negotiated pay increment.
In view of the unsettled economic climate, some infrastructure improvements at 2305 Samuel Drive had to be cancelled or delayed. Unlike the heady times of 2000 when we acquired a new bed, fridge and roof, plans for new kitchen cupboards and a new dining room table had to again be put on hold. The outlook for future bathroom renovations is cautiously optimistic.
Provision of utility services presented a mixed picture in 2006. As you all know, the wild fluctuations in oil prices caused some uncertainties in the Martin household budget. But thanks to my wife Cheryl’s fortuitous switch of long distance telephone providers, overall losses were minimized. We are investigating long term contracts for electricity and heating oil to provide greater price stability.
Despite my pledge not to touch our retirement security funds, as you know, I felt compelled to switch $10,000 to a high tech mutual fund in April of 2000 when the NASDAQ had fallen to 3200. All I can say is "my mistake." The good news is that we still have most of the $6,000 capital loss realized in that year to carry forward for future use.
On the growth front, eleven-year old Sarah’s demands for a sibling unfortunately had to be refused. However, in order to placate her and to allay increasing parental guilt, a long-delayed commitment to dog ownership was finally realized in May of 2005. Some critics have noted that a second child would have been less expensive but I have reluctantly agreed that it is too early to make a final determination on that score.
As for external affairs, our usual placid relations with our neighbors to the east and west were tested. After the change in ownership at 2303 Samuel Drive, there was much upheaval along our eastern border. Luckily, protracted negotiations resulted in a mutually satisfactory fence extension. The situation along the western property line will continue to be monitored as 2307 Samuel Drive now has unreasonable expectations of a jointly financed replacement of the existing 30-year old fence.
In conclusion, I am pleased to report to all Martin householders that the future looks bright. Despite the turbulent uncertainties of the new economy, we can look forward to everything from a new lawnmower to a new TV in the coming year. And if we play our cards right, we may even make it to Disney World. God bless America.
Thanks to the financial stewardship of yours truly, we weathered the uncertainties in the economy. By maintaining my famous low profile at work, I avoided last July’s layoffs. And, despite historically low productivity levels, fortune smiled on me as I received an unexpected negotiated pay increment.
In view of the unsettled economic climate, some infrastructure improvements at 2305 Samuel Drive had to be cancelled or delayed. Unlike the heady times of 2000 when we acquired a new bed, fridge and roof, plans for new kitchen cupboards and a new dining room table had to again be put on hold. The outlook for future bathroom renovations is cautiously optimistic.
Provision of utility services presented a mixed picture in 2006. As you all know, the wild fluctuations in oil prices caused some uncertainties in the Martin household budget. But thanks to my wife Cheryl’s fortuitous switch of long distance telephone providers, overall losses were minimized. We are investigating long term contracts for electricity and heating oil to provide greater price stability.
Despite my pledge not to touch our retirement security funds, as you know, I felt compelled to switch $10,000 to a high tech mutual fund in April of 2000 when the NASDAQ had fallen to 3200. All I can say is "my mistake." The good news is that we still have most of the $6,000 capital loss realized in that year to carry forward for future use.
On the growth front, eleven-year old Sarah’s demands for a sibling unfortunately had to be refused. However, in order to placate her and to allay increasing parental guilt, a long-delayed commitment to dog ownership was finally realized in May of 2005. Some critics have noted that a second child would have been less expensive but I have reluctantly agreed that it is too early to make a final determination on that score.
As for external affairs, our usual placid relations with our neighbors to the east and west were tested. After the change in ownership at 2303 Samuel Drive, there was much upheaval along our eastern border. Luckily, protracted negotiations resulted in a mutually satisfactory fence extension. The situation along the western property line will continue to be monitored as 2307 Samuel Drive now has unreasonable expectations of a jointly financed replacement of the existing 30-year old fence.
In conclusion, I am pleased to report to all Martin householders that the future looks bright. Despite the turbulent uncertainties of the new economy, we can look forward to everything from a new lawnmower to a new TV in the coming year. And if we play our cards right, we may even make it to Disney World. God bless America.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
State of the Union
After listening to President Bush’s State of the Union address, I feel confident in the future of the United States. The President highlighted his legislative achievements and his plan for the future and made Americans proud.
Now some naysayers are taking a simplistic approach and saying that the President has made things worse. These critics claim that the six years since Mr. Bush took office on January 20, 2001 have shown no progress or a marked decline on all fronts.
(The Dow Jones Industrial average was at 10,700.)
That’s just plain dumb, simplistic thinking.
(The unemployment rate was 4%.)
I know that opposition politicians like to play the game of "Are you better off now than you were two, four or six years ago?"
(The World Trade Center towers were standing.)
But that’s not right. It’s not fair to compare apples and oranges.
(There was no axis of evil.)
President Bush inherited a whole litany of problems from the Clinton administration.
(Politicians were wondering how to spend a projected one trillion dollar surplus.)
He had to take tough measures to ensure that this nation remained on the right track. Economic prosperity often requires difficult decisions.
(There was an estate tax and a tax on dividends.)
After years of wishy washy foreign policy by the Clinton administration, it was time to take a firm stance.
(North Korea was complying with its treaty obligations.)
The world was looking for a strong American voice, a voice that would speak the words of liberty and justice people were longing to hear.
(Saddam Hussein wasn’t bothering anyone.)
Bill Clinton had waffled on so many fronts that the world was a tinderbox in danger of explosion.
(Israel and the Palestinians had come very close to an historic peace agreement.)
The Democrats had pursued their misguided, liberal policies domestically as well to the detriment of the nation.
(Affirmative action was an effective social engineering tool.)
So, I say to those small minded critics: Stop worrying about the last six years and start looking ahead to the next two. Wake up before it’s too late.
Now some naysayers are taking a simplistic approach and saying that the President has made things worse. These critics claim that the six years since Mr. Bush took office on January 20, 2001 have shown no progress or a marked decline on all fronts.
(The Dow Jones Industrial average was at 10,700.)
That’s just plain dumb, simplistic thinking.
(The unemployment rate was 4%.)
I know that opposition politicians like to play the game of "Are you better off now than you were two, four or six years ago?"
(The World Trade Center towers were standing.)
But that’s not right. It’s not fair to compare apples and oranges.
(There was no axis of evil.)
President Bush inherited a whole litany of problems from the Clinton administration.
(Politicians were wondering how to spend a projected one trillion dollar surplus.)
He had to take tough measures to ensure that this nation remained on the right track. Economic prosperity often requires difficult decisions.
(There was an estate tax and a tax on dividends.)
After years of wishy washy foreign policy by the Clinton administration, it was time to take a firm stance.
(North Korea was complying with its treaty obligations.)
The world was looking for a strong American voice, a voice that would speak the words of liberty and justice people were longing to hear.
(Saddam Hussein wasn’t bothering anyone.)
Bill Clinton had waffled on so many fronts that the world was a tinderbox in danger of explosion.
(Israel and the Palestinians had come very close to an historic peace agreement.)
The Democrats had pursued their misguided, liberal policies domestically as well to the detriment of the nation.
(Affirmative action was an effective social engineering tool.)
So, I say to those small minded critics: Stop worrying about the last six years and start looking ahead to the next two. Wake up before it’s too late.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Canada's New Official Greeting
In light of the latest nationwide outbreak of gastroenteritis, the Public Health Agency of Canada has recommended against handshaking to reduce the spread of the bug. But apparently that’s just the first step. Canada’s New Government has once again leapt into action with almost every federal department and agency signing on.
Health Canada was first off the mark with its own in-house protection plan. All employees have been issued disposable latex gloves which they are required to wear during their shifts.
"We thought this was the surest way to prevent infection," said a Health Canada spokesman. "Even if people inadvertently end up shaking hands, no viral transmission will occur."
Health Canada employees will be encouraged to wear their government-issue gloves while off the job as well.
"Since 78% of all viral infections are transferred from the home, we think it just makes sense," said the departmental representative. "Our new slogan ‘Love means wearing a glove’ says it all."
The RCMP is gearing up for a cross-country offensive against unprotected handshaking. Although there are not yet any criminal sanctions for illicit or illegal handshakes, the Mounties are planning to stop Canadians who are practising unsafe greetings and issue them warnings.
"We thought about providing an information flyer as well," said the head of the RCMP’s new Anti-viral Mobile Unit. "But the cost of covering and sanitizing the handouts was prohibitive."
The Department of Justice has taken the lead from the RCMP and is in the initial stages of drafting an amendment to the Criminal Code that would see unauthorized seasonal handshaking punishable by a fine of up to $5,000. Provisions are being made for the payment of any fines imposed by credit card, debit card or automatic bank withdrawal to avoid the inevitable transmission of germs via paper currency.
"We hope to have the epidemic under control soon," said a Justice spokeswoman. "At which time we will introduce a registry of known handshakers, costing a maximum of $50 million."
Even the CBC has jumped on board with an offer to run new public service ads 24/7 to help educate the public. In-house producers have created an animated character called "Hammy the Hand" who will show viewers the best ways to avoid human contact and reduce viral spread. CBC brass are even considering making the ads available free of charge to Canada’s private broadcasters to ensure that at least some Canadians will actually see them.
Finally, the Prime Minister’s Office is taking steps to educate Canadians and change our social conventions when it comes to public greetings. Look for public demonstrations by the Prime Minister himself of the newly approved substitute greeting of a straight-arm salute at a 45 degree angle.
"It’s the right thing to do for the country," said Mr. Harper. "And when it comes to doing the right thing, there’s no party more right than ours."
Health Canada was first off the mark with its own in-house protection plan. All employees have been issued disposable latex gloves which they are required to wear during their shifts.
"We thought this was the surest way to prevent infection," said a Health Canada spokesman. "Even if people inadvertently end up shaking hands, no viral transmission will occur."
Health Canada employees will be encouraged to wear their government-issue gloves while off the job as well.
"Since 78% of all viral infections are transferred from the home, we think it just makes sense," said the departmental representative. "Our new slogan ‘Love means wearing a glove’ says it all."
The RCMP is gearing up for a cross-country offensive against unprotected handshaking. Although there are not yet any criminal sanctions for illicit or illegal handshakes, the Mounties are planning to stop Canadians who are practising unsafe greetings and issue them warnings.
"We thought about providing an information flyer as well," said the head of the RCMP’s new Anti-viral Mobile Unit. "But the cost of covering and sanitizing the handouts was prohibitive."
The Department of Justice has taken the lead from the RCMP and is in the initial stages of drafting an amendment to the Criminal Code that would see unauthorized seasonal handshaking punishable by a fine of up to $5,000. Provisions are being made for the payment of any fines imposed by credit card, debit card or automatic bank withdrawal to avoid the inevitable transmission of germs via paper currency.
"We hope to have the epidemic under control soon," said a Justice spokeswoman. "At which time we will introduce a registry of known handshakers, costing a maximum of $50 million."
Even the CBC has jumped on board with an offer to run new public service ads 24/7 to help educate the public. In-house producers have created an animated character called "Hammy the Hand" who will show viewers the best ways to avoid human contact and reduce viral spread. CBC brass are even considering making the ads available free of charge to Canada’s private broadcasters to ensure that at least some Canadians will actually see them.
Finally, the Prime Minister’s Office is taking steps to educate Canadians and change our social conventions when it comes to public greetings. Look for public demonstrations by the Prime Minister himself of the newly approved substitute greeting of a straight-arm salute at a 45 degree angle.
"It’s the right thing to do for the country," said Mr. Harper. "And when it comes to doing the right thing, there’s no party more right than ours."
Thursday, January 18, 2007
L'Enfer Est Tout Gelé
"The French government proposed a union of Britain and France in 1956, even offering to accept the sovereignty of the Queen, newly discovered documents show."
- The Globe and Mail - Jan. 16, 2007
Archival documents recently revealed that in 1956, the prime minister of France proposed a merger of his country with Britain. Many political commentators were shocked by the revelation. However, they likely would have been much less surprised if they had also seen a copy of the following yet-to-be-released proposed terms of union:
WHEREAS the great nation of France wishes to join forces with its poorer, cross-channel cousin variously known as England, Britain, the United Kingdom and "chez les bâtards."
AND WHEREAS the glorious French people have always been known for their acts of charitable kindness even when it comes to "la louche petite bourgeoisie" living in England.
AND WHEREAS the shocking deficiencies in British governance, culture and cuisine threaten to undermine European stability.
AND WHEREAS it would be expensive, impractical and "trés inopportun" to launch an invasion at this time.
NOW THEREFORE the glorious republic of France agrees to a merger of nominal equals to form what shall henceforth be known as the United Kingdom of France.
IN ORDER TO facilitate this unfortunate union, France, in a typically selfless yet grandiloquent gesture, agrees to recognize "La Reine de les Rosbifs" as the sovereign head of the new nation provided that she comply with the following terms and conditions, to wit, she shall:
* Change her name from Elizabeth II to Brigitte I.
* Enroll for a minimum 26-week course at Berlitz to improve her passable French.
* Guarantee that any of her progeny will marry only those of French descent.
* Cease and desist from burning meat and overcooking vegetables.
* Acknowledge the comedic mastery of Jerry Lewis and forever foreswear the appallingly humourless Benny Hill.
* Holiday regularly on the Riviera.
WHEREFOR the citizens of France will willingly submit to British law when the following provisos are satisfied:
* The two houses of Parliament are joined and renamed The National Assembly.
* The seat of government is moved to Paris.
* The national anthem is changed to "La Marseillaise."
* All current British subjects attend a six-week wine-tasting and culinary course.
NOW THEREFORE BE IT KNOWN that the final merger will be effective once these few reasonable conditions are met or when "l’enfer est tout gelé", whichever comes first.
SIGNED AT PARIS ("mais oui") this _____ journée de la mois de janvier, 1957.
- The Globe and Mail - Jan. 16, 2007
Archival documents recently revealed that in 1956, the prime minister of France proposed a merger of his country with Britain. Many political commentators were shocked by the revelation. However, they likely would have been much less surprised if they had also seen a copy of the following yet-to-be-released proposed terms of union:
WHEREAS the great nation of France wishes to join forces with its poorer, cross-channel cousin variously known as England, Britain, the United Kingdom and "chez les bâtards."
AND WHEREAS the glorious French people have always been known for their acts of charitable kindness even when it comes to "la louche petite bourgeoisie" living in England.
AND WHEREAS the shocking deficiencies in British governance, culture and cuisine threaten to undermine European stability.
AND WHEREAS it would be expensive, impractical and "trés inopportun" to launch an invasion at this time.
NOW THEREFORE the glorious republic of France agrees to a merger of nominal equals to form what shall henceforth be known as the United Kingdom of France.
IN ORDER TO facilitate this unfortunate union, France, in a typically selfless yet grandiloquent gesture, agrees to recognize "La Reine de les Rosbifs" as the sovereign head of the new nation provided that she comply with the following terms and conditions, to wit, she shall:
* Change her name from Elizabeth II to Brigitte I.
* Enroll for a minimum 26-week course at Berlitz to improve her passable French.
* Guarantee that any of her progeny will marry only those of French descent.
* Cease and desist from burning meat and overcooking vegetables.
* Acknowledge the comedic mastery of Jerry Lewis and forever foreswear the appallingly humourless Benny Hill.
* Holiday regularly on the Riviera.
WHEREFOR the citizens of France will willingly submit to British law when the following provisos are satisfied:
* The two houses of Parliament are joined and renamed The National Assembly.
* The seat of government is moved to Paris.
* The national anthem is changed to "La Marseillaise."
* All current British subjects attend a six-week wine-tasting and culinary course.
NOW THEREFORE BE IT KNOWN that the final merger will be effective once these few reasonable conditions are met or when "l’enfer est tout gelé", whichever comes first.
SIGNED AT PARIS ("mais oui") this _____ journée de la mois de janvier, 1957.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Don't Call It Football
The Los Angeles Galaxy of Major League Soccer have signed David Beckham for $250 million in hopes of boosting the game’s popularity in the U. S. But, like the signing of Brazilian star Pelé by the New York Cosmos in the 1970s, I suspect the Beckham acquisition will also turn out to be a colossal waste of money.
Think for a minute. What names do you recognize in that first sentence? If you’re like me, not likely the Los Angeles Galaxy or Major League Soccer. And the only reason you’re probably familiar with David Beckham at all is because he’s married to Posh Spice. And why? Because soccer is boring.
If Major League Soccer wants to attract American fans to the game, it can easily do so and for a lot less money than Mr. Beckham is getting. League officials just have to make a few minor changes to accommodate the fans.
First of all, stop calling it football. It’s not football. Football is the Cowboys versus the Giants and Florida versus Ohio State. This game is soccer.
Next, they might want to consider putting more lines on the field so everyone can tell where the players are. Horizontal, parallel lines every five yards or so would definitely help pinpoint the action.
Personally, I’d like to see the players get some helmets and padding. From the few video replay clips of soccer collisions I’ve seen, some of these guys appear to be in excruciating pain.
Another suggestion is to let one team have the ball for more than twenty seconds. Just a thought but why not let each team have four tries to make ten yards? If they do then they get four more tries. Then at least there’s some continuity in the game.
Stop the clock once in a while and let the players have a rest. And TV fans at home would definitely appreciate the chance for a snack or washroom break. The league could even split each half into two quarters to allow for more TV ad time.
One thing that definitely has to change is the offsides rule. No one here understands it. Why not let both teams line up and call that the offsides line or, say, the line of scrimmage?
Finally, let the players use their hands. It would sure open up the game if they could pass and catch the ball. And if they have to kick it, how about some posts at either end they could kick the ball through for a point or three?
Now if Major League Soccer could implement these minor changes, I’m sure Americans would come out to the games in droves. And at that point, I doubt anyone would even care if they still called it football.
Think for a minute. What names do you recognize in that first sentence? If you’re like me, not likely the Los Angeles Galaxy or Major League Soccer. And the only reason you’re probably familiar with David Beckham at all is because he’s married to Posh Spice. And why? Because soccer is boring.
If Major League Soccer wants to attract American fans to the game, it can easily do so and for a lot less money than Mr. Beckham is getting. League officials just have to make a few minor changes to accommodate the fans.
First of all, stop calling it football. It’s not football. Football is the Cowboys versus the Giants and Florida versus Ohio State. This game is soccer.
Next, they might want to consider putting more lines on the field so everyone can tell where the players are. Horizontal, parallel lines every five yards or so would definitely help pinpoint the action.
Personally, I’d like to see the players get some helmets and padding. From the few video replay clips of soccer collisions I’ve seen, some of these guys appear to be in excruciating pain.
Another suggestion is to let one team have the ball for more than twenty seconds. Just a thought but why not let each team have four tries to make ten yards? If they do then they get four more tries. Then at least there’s some continuity in the game.
Stop the clock once in a while and let the players have a rest. And TV fans at home would definitely appreciate the chance for a snack or washroom break. The league could even split each half into two quarters to allow for more TV ad time.
One thing that definitely has to change is the offsides rule. No one here understands it. Why not let both teams line up and call that the offsides line or, say, the line of scrimmage?
Finally, let the players use their hands. It would sure open up the game if they could pass and catch the ball. And if they have to kick it, how about some posts at either end they could kick the ball through for a point or three?
Now if Major League Soccer could implement these minor changes, I’m sure Americans would come out to the games in droves. And at that point, I doubt anyone would even care if they still called it football.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Extreme Makeover, White House Edition
President Bush recently embarked on some major renovations at The White House. As someone interested in handyman repairs, I suggest he consider using the following practical hints and helpful tools:
underground gas and water lines
Before starting a major renovation, check with the experts to see if there are any hidden dangers. Don’t just assume that you know where buried items are located. If you’re wrong, it can prove to be embarrassing and very expensive.
surge protector
When you’re working with power tools, it’s essential to use a power bar. Without warning, there can be an unexpected increase in available force. The surge protector makes sure that you’re not the one that gets burned.
hire help
Before rushing into a reconstruction job, make sure you have all the help you need. Confirm that family members are onside and ask your neighbors to lend a hand. Many an inexperienced renovator has regretted taking a unilateral approach to what initially appeared to be a simple, one-man job.
level
Many novices engaged in reconstruction discover too late that they needed a level. This handy tool ensures that you don’t end up with an unbalanced structure that eventually falls apart.
check underlying structure
Before removing a wall or beam, make sure it’s not an essential support. Once you’ve taken down such a support, the rest of the structure may collapse. At that point, trying to rebuild the broken factions is often impossible.
tape measure
A retractable measuring tape is crucial for getting the job done on time. Every good contractor abides by the old saw: "Measure twice; cut and run once." If you don’t, you could be working on the same job for years.
construct proper framing
Know where you want everything to be before you start. For example, without proper planning for door and window placements, you could end up with no exit strategy.
stud finder
Before trying to rebuild any old, dilapidated dwelling, you need to locate the supporting studs. Renovators who fail to do their homework end up building unsupported walls which often result in crumbling infrastructure.
crescent wrench
This is a lightweight, adjustable wrench that allows the user to turn different nuts in a mideasterly direction. However, the crescent wrench should not be used for heavy loads as it will easily break. Not to be confused with the cross wrench or the star of David wrench.
underground gas and water lines
Before starting a major renovation, check with the experts to see if there are any hidden dangers. Don’t just assume that you know where buried items are located. If you’re wrong, it can prove to be embarrassing and very expensive.
surge protector
When you’re working with power tools, it’s essential to use a power bar. Without warning, there can be an unexpected increase in available force. The surge protector makes sure that you’re not the one that gets burned.
hire help
Before rushing into a reconstruction job, make sure you have all the help you need. Confirm that family members are onside and ask your neighbors to lend a hand. Many an inexperienced renovator has regretted taking a unilateral approach to what initially appeared to be a simple, one-man job.
level
Many novices engaged in reconstruction discover too late that they needed a level. This handy tool ensures that you don’t end up with an unbalanced structure that eventually falls apart.
check underlying structure
Before removing a wall or beam, make sure it’s not an essential support. Once you’ve taken down such a support, the rest of the structure may collapse. At that point, trying to rebuild the broken factions is often impossible.
tape measure
A retractable measuring tape is crucial for getting the job done on time. Every good contractor abides by the old saw: "Measure twice; cut and run once." If you don’t, you could be working on the same job for years.
construct proper framing
Know where you want everything to be before you start. For example, without proper planning for door and window placements, you could end up with no exit strategy.
stud finder
Before trying to rebuild any old, dilapidated dwelling, you need to locate the supporting studs. Renovators who fail to do their homework end up building unsupported walls which often result in crumbling infrastructure.
crescent wrench
This is a lightweight, adjustable wrench that allows the user to turn different nuts in a mideasterly direction. However, the crescent wrench should not be used for heavy loads as it will easily break. Not to be confused with the cross wrench or the star of David wrench.
Friday, January 12, 2007
What's With This Weather?
According to Mark Twain, everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it. Well, finally that clever adage has been disproved.
It seems that years of people talking about the weather has generated enough hot air to make January seem like early April. We’re weeks into winter and we can barely keep a dusting of snow on the ground.
Now I’m generally the first to complain after we’ve had our first few annual rounds of snow, ice and cold. If, like me, you’re not a skier, you hate winter driving and the only skating you like is the indoor variety, then this latest winter weather pattern should be cause for celebration. Yet strangely it’s not.
When it comes to the weather, there’s really only one consistent, accepted response: complaining. Generally that means grousing about it being too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry or just too of anything.
So this winter, my seasonal complaint is that it’s just too darned weird. Golfers hitting the links in Ottawa in December? Joggers running shirtless in New York’s Central Park in January? Migratory birds cashing in the return half of their southern ticket? What the heck is going on?
When I whine about winter, it’s usually because of those endless cold snaps that keep you plugging in your car for nights on end. Or day after day of snow that builds up on the roof of your house to the point where you have to actually think about hiring someone to shovel it off. Or the alternating pattern of cold spells and freezing rain that makes every trip outside an adventure.
However, if I can get a winter that’s not too cold, too snowy or too icy, then I’m reasonably satisfied. You know, what we used to call a mild winter.
But this one is just plain nuts. How can you look out your front window in the middle of January and see bare grass and convince yourself that it’s winter?
Let’s face it; this is downright unnatural. My snow shovel has been sitting in the carport unused since early November and I’m afraid it’s starting to rust. The snow tires were sensibly installed on the car in late October and have been rapidly wearing away on permanently bare pavement ever since. And the $300 I spent on a snow clearing contract for our driveway might as well have been tossed in the fireplace as kindling for all the good it’s done so far.
A day or two of mild winter weather is always a nice break. But this extended stretch of false spring is downright creepy. It was kind of nice at first to go without the parka and the toque and the mitts. But once we hit January and things didn’t change, I started thinking that there had to be some payback for this respite from the cold.
I figure it’s kind of like overusing your credit card. It’s fun while the shopping spree lasts. But once the next bill arrives in the mail, the pain of repayment begins.
And that’s what I figure we’re in for soon, a big fat cold, icy, snowy repayment. The jet stream, El Niño, global warming and kismet are going to gang up on us and give us our usual four-month dose of winter. Except that it’s all going to be concentrated into the final two months.
So enjoy the next couple of weeks of weirdness because when it comes to weird weather, I predict that we ain’t see nothin’ yet. Come February and March, hang on to your hats, your coats and your scarves. Like Bette Davis said in "All About Eve": "Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night." And trust me, that’s when the real complaining will begin.
It seems that years of people talking about the weather has generated enough hot air to make January seem like early April. We’re weeks into winter and we can barely keep a dusting of snow on the ground.
Now I’m generally the first to complain after we’ve had our first few annual rounds of snow, ice and cold. If, like me, you’re not a skier, you hate winter driving and the only skating you like is the indoor variety, then this latest winter weather pattern should be cause for celebration. Yet strangely it’s not.
When it comes to the weather, there’s really only one consistent, accepted response: complaining. Generally that means grousing about it being too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry or just too of anything.
So this winter, my seasonal complaint is that it’s just too darned weird. Golfers hitting the links in Ottawa in December? Joggers running shirtless in New York’s Central Park in January? Migratory birds cashing in the return half of their southern ticket? What the heck is going on?
When I whine about winter, it’s usually because of those endless cold snaps that keep you plugging in your car for nights on end. Or day after day of snow that builds up on the roof of your house to the point where you have to actually think about hiring someone to shovel it off. Or the alternating pattern of cold spells and freezing rain that makes every trip outside an adventure.
However, if I can get a winter that’s not too cold, too snowy or too icy, then I’m reasonably satisfied. You know, what we used to call a mild winter.
But this one is just plain nuts. How can you look out your front window in the middle of January and see bare grass and convince yourself that it’s winter?
Let’s face it; this is downright unnatural. My snow shovel has been sitting in the carport unused since early November and I’m afraid it’s starting to rust. The snow tires were sensibly installed on the car in late October and have been rapidly wearing away on permanently bare pavement ever since. And the $300 I spent on a snow clearing contract for our driveway might as well have been tossed in the fireplace as kindling for all the good it’s done so far.
A day or two of mild winter weather is always a nice break. But this extended stretch of false spring is downright creepy. It was kind of nice at first to go without the parka and the toque and the mitts. But once we hit January and things didn’t change, I started thinking that there had to be some payback for this respite from the cold.
I figure it’s kind of like overusing your credit card. It’s fun while the shopping spree lasts. But once the next bill arrives in the mail, the pain of repayment begins.
And that’s what I figure we’re in for soon, a big fat cold, icy, snowy repayment. The jet stream, El Niño, global warming and kismet are going to gang up on us and give us our usual four-month dose of winter. Except that it’s all going to be concentrated into the final two months.
So enjoy the next couple of weeks of weirdness because when it comes to weird weather, I predict that we ain’t see nothin’ yet. Come February and March, hang on to your hats, your coats and your scarves. Like Bette Davis said in "All About Eve": "Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night." And trust me, that’s when the real complaining will begin.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Smith v. Kringle
In a move that caught most market analysts by surprise, a class action lawsuit has been launched against one Kris Kringle. The statement of claim was filed on behalf of the class of children professing belief in Mr. Kringle and reads as follows:
Civil Action No. 001/07
SUPREME COURT
FOR THE
JUDICIAL DISTRICT OF THE NORTH POLE
BETWEEN:
Johnny Smith
Plaintiff
- and -
Kris Kringle
Defendant
TO THE DEFENDANT:
A legal proceeding has been commenced against you by the Plaintiff, Johnny Smith, age seven, as a representative member of the class. The Plaintiff claims as follows:
1. The Defendant Kris Kringle (a.k.a. Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, Jolly Old St. Nick), a resident of the North Pole, is the CEO and COO of an enterprise known as Santa’s Workshop.
2. The Defendant employs thousands of individuals variously known as elves or Santa’s helpers at well below minimum wage to produce toys to be distributed to members of the class, viz worthy boys and girls.
3. Notwithstanding a generous compensation package including extensive retirement benefits, the Defendant has consistently only worked one day a year.
4. In consideration of their yearlong good behavior, the class members were entitled to gifts and presents commensurate with the degree of "goodness" of said behavior.
5. In blatant disregard of this longstanding agreement, the Defendant failed to deliver gifts to some class members and, in other instances, delivered substandard, inappropriate or unwanted presents.
6. The Defendant concentrated his efforts on rewarding fellow CEOs in contravention of his duty to his shareholders and his contractual obligations of specific performance. For example, the Defendant awarded a $210 million post-Christmas severance package to the departing CEO of a business known as Home Depot.
7. At the expense of the class members, the Defendant had previously rewarded other underperforming CEOs with seven, eight and nine-figure salaries, stock options and/or severance packages.
8. Despite the Defendant’s underperformance and non-performance, he resigned his positions as CEO and COO effective December 31st of last year and immediately claimed his own severance package of $250 million plus an ongoing generous living allowance, a sleigh-related transportation stipend and a three-bedroom condo in Palm Springs.
Now therefore the Plaintiff claims that the Defendant is guilty of negligence and breach of contract and has breached his duty of care to the class members, to wit, to determine which members were naughty and which were nice and to compensate them accordingly.
Wherefore the Plaintiff on behalf of all class members seeks specific damages in the amount of $12,000,000,000 representing the unearned monies received by the Defendant and his fellow CEOs.
Furthermore, the Plaintiff seeks general damages for hurt feelings in the amount of $600,000,000 and one lump of coal in the Defendant’s stocking.
Wherefore, the Plaintiff prays for (1) relief in the amount of $12,600,000,000, (2) restitution for those class members underserved by the Defendant and (3) a declaration by this Honorable Court that the Defendant does, in fact, exist.
IF YOU FAIL TO OPPOSE THIS ACTION, JUDGMENT MAY BE GIVEN IN YOUR ABSENCE AND WITHOUT FURTHER NOTICE TO YOU.
January 10, 2007.
Issued By:
Supreme Court for the Judicial
District of the North Pole
Civil Action No. 001/07
SUPREME COURT
FOR THE
JUDICIAL DISTRICT OF THE NORTH POLE
BETWEEN:
Johnny Smith
Plaintiff
- and -
Kris Kringle
Defendant
TO THE DEFENDANT:
A legal proceeding has been commenced against you by the Plaintiff, Johnny Smith, age seven, as a representative member of the class. The Plaintiff claims as follows:
1. The Defendant Kris Kringle (a.k.a. Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, Jolly Old St. Nick), a resident of the North Pole, is the CEO and COO of an enterprise known as Santa’s Workshop.
2. The Defendant employs thousands of individuals variously known as elves or Santa’s helpers at well below minimum wage to produce toys to be distributed to members of the class, viz worthy boys and girls.
3. Notwithstanding a generous compensation package including extensive retirement benefits, the Defendant has consistently only worked one day a year.
4. In consideration of their yearlong good behavior, the class members were entitled to gifts and presents commensurate with the degree of "goodness" of said behavior.
5. In blatant disregard of this longstanding agreement, the Defendant failed to deliver gifts to some class members and, in other instances, delivered substandard, inappropriate or unwanted presents.
6. The Defendant concentrated his efforts on rewarding fellow CEOs in contravention of his duty to his shareholders and his contractual obligations of specific performance. For example, the Defendant awarded a $210 million post-Christmas severance package to the departing CEO of a business known as Home Depot.
7. At the expense of the class members, the Defendant had previously rewarded other underperforming CEOs with seven, eight and nine-figure salaries, stock options and/or severance packages.
8. Despite the Defendant’s underperformance and non-performance, he resigned his positions as CEO and COO effective December 31st of last year and immediately claimed his own severance package of $250 million plus an ongoing generous living allowance, a sleigh-related transportation stipend and a three-bedroom condo in Palm Springs.
Now therefore the Plaintiff claims that the Defendant is guilty of negligence and breach of contract and has breached his duty of care to the class members, to wit, to determine which members were naughty and which were nice and to compensate them accordingly.
Wherefore the Plaintiff on behalf of all class members seeks specific damages in the amount of $12,000,000,000 representing the unearned monies received by the Defendant and his fellow CEOs.
Furthermore, the Plaintiff seeks general damages for hurt feelings in the amount of $600,000,000 and one lump of coal in the Defendant’s stocking.
Wherefore, the Plaintiff prays for (1) relief in the amount of $12,600,000,000, (2) restitution for those class members underserved by the Defendant and (3) a declaration by this Honorable Court that the Defendant does, in fact, exist.
IF YOU FAIL TO OPPOSE THIS ACTION, JUDGMENT MAY BE GIVEN IN YOUR ABSENCE AND WITHOUT FURTHER NOTICE TO YOU.
January 10, 2007.
Issued By:
Supreme Court for the Judicial
District of the North Pole
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Feline Follies
"He [John Baird] is also a lover of felines. The Harpers are great cat lovers, too."
- The Globe and Mail - Jan. 5, 2007
Ruff-ruff. Woof, woof, woof.
Hi, I’m Oreo. I’m a Portuguese Water Dog and my so-called master has agreed to translate my remarks for this piece.
I’ve never written an op-ed essay before. Heck, I’ve never even written a letter to the editor. But this latest cabinet shuffle by the Tories has really got me steamed.
The other day I was lying in front of the TV licking myself when I heard that John Baird has been appointed Minister of Environment. Nothing wrong with that, of course.
But what got my tail tied in a knot was the report that Mr. Baird likes cats. And apparently his boss Mr. Harper and Mr. Harper’s wife Laureen are big cat lovers, too.
Now I’m the first one to say that this is a free country and that everyone has the right to their own opinion including, of course, the right to be wrong. But, honestly, do we really want a bunch of mealy-mouthed cat lovers running the government?
When was the last time a cat ever did anything useful? As far as I can tell, never.
These furball-filled felines do nothing but lie around all day eating their owners out of house and home. They barely even acknowledge anyone else’s presence, much less cater to their needs.
Ask yourself when’s the last time you saw a cat taking its owner for a nice walk? Or playing fetch with a ball or stick? Or rescuing some poor misbegotten child from the bottom of an abandoned well?
The world is divided into two types of people: those who like dogs and those who like cats. And when it comes to the latter, as far as I can see, they’re no better than cats themselves.
As for the few cats I know, all they want to do is cut and slash. And cat lovers appear to be the same. Whether it’s programs or taxes, it’s all cut, cut, cut.
Not like that nice Stéphane Dion. The guy owns a dog, a Siberian Husky named Kyoto. Now what could be friendlier than that?
My owner tells me there’s likely going to be an election soon. I don’t know much about elections but I do know a thing or two about cats and dogs. And if my experience is anything to go by, I’d steer clear of the cat lovers.
Most dogs I know will run and play and even let me sniff their butts. But when it comes to cats, it’s just me, me, me and an open paw to the face. And I’ve got the scars to prove it.
So take a tip from a dog who’s been around the block. Before casting your vote for anyone, check out their pet preference. Otherwise, the next thing you know you’ll be governed by a bunch of yarn chasers and bird eaters. Just a word to the wise.
- The Globe and Mail - Jan. 5, 2007
Ruff-ruff. Woof, woof, woof.
Hi, I’m Oreo. I’m a Portuguese Water Dog and my so-called master has agreed to translate my remarks for this piece.
I’ve never written an op-ed essay before. Heck, I’ve never even written a letter to the editor. But this latest cabinet shuffle by the Tories has really got me steamed.
The other day I was lying in front of the TV licking myself when I heard that John Baird has been appointed Minister of Environment. Nothing wrong with that, of course.
But what got my tail tied in a knot was the report that Mr. Baird likes cats. And apparently his boss Mr. Harper and Mr. Harper’s wife Laureen are big cat lovers, too.
Now I’m the first one to say that this is a free country and that everyone has the right to their own opinion including, of course, the right to be wrong. But, honestly, do we really want a bunch of mealy-mouthed cat lovers running the government?
When was the last time a cat ever did anything useful? As far as I can tell, never.
These furball-filled felines do nothing but lie around all day eating their owners out of house and home. They barely even acknowledge anyone else’s presence, much less cater to their needs.
Ask yourself when’s the last time you saw a cat taking its owner for a nice walk? Or playing fetch with a ball or stick? Or rescuing some poor misbegotten child from the bottom of an abandoned well?
The world is divided into two types of people: those who like dogs and those who like cats. And when it comes to the latter, as far as I can see, they’re no better than cats themselves.
As for the few cats I know, all they want to do is cut and slash. And cat lovers appear to be the same. Whether it’s programs or taxes, it’s all cut, cut, cut.
Not like that nice Stéphane Dion. The guy owns a dog, a Siberian Husky named Kyoto. Now what could be friendlier than that?
My owner tells me there’s likely going to be an election soon. I don’t know much about elections but I do know a thing or two about cats and dogs. And if my experience is anything to go by, I’d steer clear of the cat lovers.
Most dogs I know will run and play and even let me sniff their butts. But when it comes to cats, it’s just me, me, me and an open paw to the face. And I’ve got the scars to prove it.
So take a tip from a dog who’s been around the block. Before casting your vote for anyone, check out their pet preference. Otherwise, the next thing you know you’ll be governed by a bunch of yarn chasers and bird eaters. Just a word to the wise.
Monday, January 08, 2007
NASCAR
The National Association of Satirists and Cartoonists for Ascension Reform issued the following press release today:
We at NASCAR wish to alert the American public to an impending crisis. We’re not talking about Iraq or Social Security. We’re referring to the inevitable devastating effect of the 22nd Amendment to the U. S. Constitution, the one that limits a President to two terms.
If nothing is done, the 22nd Amendment will prevent George W. Bush from seeking a third term in office. For satirists and political cartoonists, that will be a serious blow to our livelihood and, by extension, to the nation’s economy.
Imagine, if you can, an America two years from now with no George W. Bush to satirize or lampoon. With no linguistic miscues, misguided policies or unilateral actions, the field of political satire will become a desolate wasteland.
Some observers argue that we are being alarmist and overly pessimistic. They claim that whoever ends up winning The White House will inevitably provide sufficient fodder for NASCAR members.
But just because that has always happened in the past is no guarantee it will happen in 2008. America has almost exhausted its supply of satirizable Presidents and a crisis is looming.
Think for a moment about the likely winners of the upcoming 2008 race. For the Democrats, the leading candidates include the humorless trio of Al Gore, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. For the Republicans, the picture is almost as bleak with boring potential nominees like John McCain, Rudy Giuliani and Jeb Bush.
No matter who wins from that group of yawn inducers, NASCAR loses. With a dull, lifeless, articulate, gaff-free President in The White House, we’ll be out of business.
Why should average citizens care about this problem? Because political satire is an integral part of the American economy and, until now, has been a growth industry.
We at NASCAR help employ thousands of writers, editors and cartoonists. And our work has a well known trickle-down effect. Without an easily lampoonable President, late night talk show hosts will experience a severe monologue deficit and standup comedians will see their routines decimated.
So act now. Help repeal the 22nd Amendment. And, rest assured, we are a non-partisan organization. We do not endorse any particular candidate.
Sure, it would be great to have George W. Bush running for a third term. But don’t forget; our initiative would also allow Bill Clinton the same privilege. In fact, we think a Bush-Clinton race in 2008 would be great for NASCAR and great for the country.
Please contribute what you can to our campaign. Remember, laughter is our most precious commodity. But it shouldn’t be taken for granted.. It takes dedicated professional satirists and laughable Presidents to maintain the national supply.
Your support can make a difference. And who knows? If we win this struggle, we may try to get the Constitution amended again to let foreign-born citizens like Arnold Schwarzenegger run for President. That would ensure a steady supply of satire for America for years to come.
We at NASCAR wish to alert the American public to an impending crisis. We’re not talking about Iraq or Social Security. We’re referring to the inevitable devastating effect of the 22nd Amendment to the U. S. Constitution, the one that limits a President to two terms.
If nothing is done, the 22nd Amendment will prevent George W. Bush from seeking a third term in office. For satirists and political cartoonists, that will be a serious blow to our livelihood and, by extension, to the nation’s economy.
Imagine, if you can, an America two years from now with no George W. Bush to satirize or lampoon. With no linguistic miscues, misguided policies or unilateral actions, the field of political satire will become a desolate wasteland.
Some observers argue that we are being alarmist and overly pessimistic. They claim that whoever ends up winning The White House will inevitably provide sufficient fodder for NASCAR members.
But just because that has always happened in the past is no guarantee it will happen in 2008. America has almost exhausted its supply of satirizable Presidents and a crisis is looming.
Think for a moment about the likely winners of the upcoming 2008 race. For the Democrats, the leading candidates include the humorless trio of Al Gore, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. For the Republicans, the picture is almost as bleak with boring potential nominees like John McCain, Rudy Giuliani and Jeb Bush.
No matter who wins from that group of yawn inducers, NASCAR loses. With a dull, lifeless, articulate, gaff-free President in The White House, we’ll be out of business.
Why should average citizens care about this problem? Because political satire is an integral part of the American economy and, until now, has been a growth industry.
We at NASCAR help employ thousands of writers, editors and cartoonists. And our work has a well known trickle-down effect. Without an easily lampoonable President, late night talk show hosts will experience a severe monologue deficit and standup comedians will see their routines decimated.
So act now. Help repeal the 22nd Amendment. And, rest assured, we are a non-partisan organization. We do not endorse any particular candidate.
Sure, it would be great to have George W. Bush running for a third term. But don’t forget; our initiative would also allow Bill Clinton the same privilege. In fact, we think a Bush-Clinton race in 2008 would be great for NASCAR and great for the country.
Please contribute what you can to our campaign. Remember, laughter is our most precious commodity. But it shouldn’t be taken for granted.. It takes dedicated professional satirists and laughable Presidents to maintain the national supply.
Your support can make a difference. And who knows? If we win this struggle, we may try to get the Constitution amended again to let foreign-born citizens like Arnold Schwarzenegger run for President. That would ensure a steady supply of satire for America for years to come.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Bush Be Gone
In a surprise move, George W. Bush has today officially resigned as President of the United States. Vice President Dick Cheney was sworn in as the nation’s 44th chief executive.
"I hadn’t planned on stepping down," said Mr. Bush. "But recent events made the decision irresistible."
When asked if his sagging popularity and recent failed policy initiatives had precipitated the move, Mr. Bush seemed genuinely surprised.
"No, of course not," said the former President. "My team was on course to accomplish all kinds of things. I can’t think of a more mistake-free Administration."
Apparently Mr. Bush’s decision was instead inspired by recent media developments.
"When I saw that Katie Couric took over at the ‘CBS Evening News’," said Mr. Bush. "I knew it was time for me to go."
"I’ve always been a big fan of Bob Shieffer," he continued. "He’s from Texas, you know."
"So I figured if CBS was prepared to dump a good ‘ole boy like Bob," said the ex-President. "That wasn’t a good sign for me and my party."
Asked why he resigned now instead of serving out his full term, Mr. Bush said he was inspired by former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay and was doing it for the good of the nation and his party.
"I am proud of my record," said Mr. Bush. "But if my running for reelection in 2008 will harm the chances of the Republican Party, I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal the presidency with a negative, personal campaign."
When reminded that the 22nd Amendment to the U. S. Constitution precluded him from running for reelection in any event, Mr. Bush was heard to say: "Oh, darn. Hey, do you know if NBC has filled that open slot on ‘The Today Show’ yet?"
"I hadn’t planned on stepping down," said Mr. Bush. "But recent events made the decision irresistible."
When asked if his sagging popularity and recent failed policy initiatives had precipitated the move, Mr. Bush seemed genuinely surprised.
"No, of course not," said the former President. "My team was on course to accomplish all kinds of things. I can’t think of a more mistake-free Administration."
Apparently Mr. Bush’s decision was instead inspired by recent media developments.
"When I saw that Katie Couric took over at the ‘CBS Evening News’," said Mr. Bush. "I knew it was time for me to go."
"I’ve always been a big fan of Bob Shieffer," he continued. "He’s from Texas, you know."
"So I figured if CBS was prepared to dump a good ‘ole boy like Bob," said the ex-President. "That wasn’t a good sign for me and my party."
Asked why he resigned now instead of serving out his full term, Mr. Bush said he was inspired by former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay and was doing it for the good of the nation and his party.
"I am proud of my record," said Mr. Bush. "But if my running for reelection in 2008 will harm the chances of the Republican Party, I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal the presidency with a negative, personal campaign."
When reminded that the 22nd Amendment to the U. S. Constitution precluded him from running for reelection in any event, Mr. Bush was heard to say: "Oh, darn. Hey, do you know if NBC has filled that open slot on ‘The Today Show’ yet?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)