Political Glossary

Whether it’s this year or next, a federal election is on the political horizon. And that means hundreds of thousands of young Canadian adults will be eligible to vote for the first time. To assist them in the exercise of their new franchise, here’s a glossary of helpful terms:

minority government
A government comprised of a minority of House of Commons seats mostly won by a minority of votes in each riding. An efficient way for one-third of the electorate to rule the other two-thirds.

majority government
An archaic form of parliamentary government once popular in the previous century. Consisted of a House of Commons populated by a majority of members from one party. Passed from favor after Québec adopted Bloc voting and Ontario gave it up.

balance of power
Status given to the political party that has the votes to maintain a minority government in power. Disappears if ever exercised to defeat that government.

political spectrum
A continuum of political thought that joins the extreme right (fascism) with the extreme left (communism) when bent into a circle.

Senate
An anachronistic legislative body that once acted as a chamber of sober second thought. Now used as an employment agency for those who actually finished second.

House of Commons
An anachronistic legislative body once thought to be the center of federal political power in Canada. More recently replaced by the Prime Minister’s Office.

minister
An exalted member of Parliament who has titular status as a member of Cabinet so long as he or she does what the prime minister says.

prime minister
The informal head of all government ministers formerly described as first among equals. Now simply described as first.

neo-conservative
A modern political philosophy that borrows heavily from trickle-down economics and libertarianism. Makes most citizens long for paleo-conservatism.

conservative
A political ideology marked by one who prefers a cautious approach to change.

Conservative
A political party that can’t wait to change everything.

liberal
A political ideology that embraces individual liberty and non-traditional approaches to governance.

Liberal
A political party that embraces traditional means of group gratification.

NDP
Acronym for the New Democratic Party, a fringe grouping devoted to avoiding power. Ultimate aim is to be the balance of power in a minority government lasting more than six months.

The Upside of Global Warming

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has issued its ominous report on global warming. Predictably, the loonies on the left have cranked up the volume on their ongoing disaster broadcast. And chief among their villains are the members of the corporate community who they paint as the irresponsible merchants of doom.

All this wringing of hands, pointing of fingers and gnashing of teeth is, of course, pure balderdash. It matters little who created this false crisis. The more important question is: "What’s in it for me?"

If capitalism has taught us anything it’s that every cloud has a silver lining, that lemons are perfect for making lemonade and that "disaster" is just an anagram for "opportunity". Well, maybe that last one isn’t literally true but I think you get the idea.

The polar ice cap is melting? Stop whining and start cheering. That means we’ll finally have that lucrative Northwest Passage ancient explorers had been futilely searching for for centuries.

Increasing temperatures in northern climes? Who in their right mind would complain about that? Yes, we’ll have a few more deserts but there’s bound to be a longer growing season, too, right? And if it gets too hot, we’ll just circle the earth with giant mirrors.

More and more species becoming extinct? Hey, that’s life or, in this case, death. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Plus it’ll make it way easier for kids studying botany and zoology.

More intense and damaging storms? That may be true but they’ll apparently also be less frequent. I don’t know about you but I prefer one big hit every few years to several smaller ones. And think of the boost this will give to the meteorology, construction and insurance industries.

Rising sea levels threatening coastal residents? Come on now. For anyone who’s visited Venice, this can’t help but look like a moneymaker. Gondola rides down Broadway in New York City? Downtown water parks in L. A.? Can you say "booming economy"?

Enough with the naysaying nervous Nellies. Sure global warming sounds like a scary nightmare. But, as far as I can see, it’s just another capitalist dream.

After all, what does the free market system do when resources are scarce? That’s right; it moves on to the next exploitable source.

So don’t fret. Even if all those doomsday scenarios do come to pass, our corporate leaders will adapt. Remember; the last time I looked, there were still plenty of planets out there just waiting to be developed.

Parliamentary Valentines

It’s Valentine’s Day and millions of schoolkids across the land will be giving one another cards. But most people are unaware of a similar tradition in the House of Commons where MPs also exchange special Valentine’s greetings. Here’s a sampling of this year’s cards:

Stephen Harper to Jack Layton
I really like to be with you,
You are my special friend.
But if you fail to vote with me,
Our friendship’s at an end.
Won’t you be my minority Valentine?

Jack Layton to Stephen Harper
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
So long as you’re green,
I’ll vote next to you.
Let’s be environmental Valentines.

Stephen Harper to Stéphane Dion
Sorry about the attack ads,
It’s kind of what we do.
But when it comes to Liberal leaders,
There’s none more prized than you.
Will you be my electoral Valentine?

Stéphane Dion to Stephen Harper
What’s in a name?
That which we call a Tory
By any other name would be as right.
So a Conservative would, were he not Reformer called.
Stephen, won’t you be my Opposition Valentine?

Garth Turner to Stéphane Dion
I was an old red Tory,
I’ve been a blue one, too.
But since I’ve joined your party,
I’m Liberal through and through.
Can I be your crossover Valentine?

Michael Ignatieff to Stéphane Dion
Love is patient and kind,
Love does not envy or boast,
It is not arrogant.
But mostly love is patient,
And I love waiting for you to fail.
Won’t you be my former leader?

Stephen Harper to Rona Ambrose
O my luve’s like a climate accord,
That’s newly broke in two.
We had to toss Kyoto,
And switch John Baird for you.
Please be my Intergovernmental Valentine.

Gilles Duceppe to everybody
I can’t be your lover,
And I can’t be your friend
Until we have "les deux nations"
And Canada will end.
Please be my separate Valentine.

Stop Complaining

Is it just me or are more and more people whining and complaining these days? It seems you can’t turn the page of a newspaper anymore without running into another pointless rant about something or other.

Whether it’s global warming or terrorism or the high price of gasoline, everyone seems to have to vent. And each of these complainers always seems to have the surefire solution to whatever’s bugging them.

If I see one more detailed diatribe by another member of the self-appointed pontificariat, I’m going to scream. After all, where do they get off proscribing and prescribing? Who died and made them king of the op-ed page?

I’ve had it up to here with smug, self-centered solutions to non-existent problems. Ask me how much I care if you can’t smoke in your favorite restaurant or let your dog off his leash or ride your bicycle without wearing a helmet. If you guessed "Not at all", then for once in your life, you’re absolutely right.

Whatever happened to reasonable discourse? Can’t people just agree to disagree and leave it at that? Or, better yet, why not just adopt the obvious sensible solution to any problem and do it my way?

It’s not as if I haven’t tried to lend a sympathetic ear to the daily screeds of others. Too many drivers running red lights? Too few moving over to the slow lane? Too little basic courtesy?

Yes, yes and yes. But so what? Did anyone listen to your rant, much less care? Of course not.
Your temper-filled tirade was about as useful as a rearranged deck chair on the Titanic and even less appealing. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you have even complained at one time or another about the lack/surfeit/expense/design/size of Titanic deck chairs.

Do you know how annoying it is to have to listen to your ceaseless carping and complaining about your latest pet peeve? I didn’t think so but I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s really, really, really annoying.

For those of you who can’t count, that’s annoying times three. Consider how angry you are about seat belt laws, buses-only lanes or owners who don’t scoop their dog’s poop and then multiply that anger by three. That’s how ticked off I am by the legion of niggling naysayers that populate today’s media.

If I wanted a steady diet of complaining, I’d invite Andy Rooney to dinner or buy all his books on tape and listen to them until my head exploded. But then you’d probably complain about the mess that would make, wouldn’t you? Isn’t that just typical.

Anyway, I have no intention of sinking to your level. I’ll just keep my opinions to myself and let others cry and moan. Because that’s just the kind of guy I am.

When Presidents Dream

When Presidents dream:

Jimmy Carter
I’m standing in the Rose Garden. It’s 1980 and I’m pinning medals on the chests of the soldiers who pulled off the successful rescue of the Iran hostages. My popularity rating has soared to the mid-70s and it looks like the Republicans are basically conceding the election by running that former B-movie star Ronald Reagan as their candidate. Then brother Billy walks past the podium pantless with a beer in his hand. I wake up crying, again.

George H. W. Bush
It’s November 1992. Bill Clinton is caught in a three-way and I win reelection in the greatest landslide in American history. Even Reagan has to concede the greatness of my presidency. Now I can get down to business and create a legacy even Ike would be envious of. And to clinch the deal, I start grooming Jeb to become my successor. George Jr. seems put out until I tell him he can have his own baseball team to play with. Then I remember he’s still in The White House and I wake up shaking.

Bill Clinton
I’m flying. I’m on a plane. It’s Air Force Two, the Vice President’s plane. I turn to my young comely aide who says "Mr. Vice President, Mrs. Clinton has resigned." I’m sorry for Hillary, of course, but if there’s anything she should have learned from my presidential tenure, it’s that you shouldn’t fool around with interns. Since she’s only one month into her presidency, I’ve got almost a full four years to be President again. Hot damn, this is going to be fun! "Get me Al Gore on the phone," I say to the aide as I unwrap a brand new Monte Christo. "Boy, is he going to be pissed." Hillary’s alarm goes off, I wake up, realize I’ve got nothing to do and go back to sleep.

George W. Bush
It’s way in the future, 2030 maybe. There’s an open coffin in the Rotunda of the Capitol Building. I’m lying in it. I’m dead but I still look pretty good. People are walking past crying and paying their respects. I hear one guy say: "He was our greatest President ever." Another guy says: "Can you believe that he was so unpopular in his day? Couldn’t those people see that Iraq would eventually become a strong democracy and bring peace to the Middle East?" Then Jeb walks by and says: "Big brother, you were the best. Nobody could have topped you, not even Dad." When I look in the coffin again, it now contains Bill Clinton’s body. I scream and wake up in a cold sweat.

Washington Side Bets

Side bets, known in casino parlance as "propositions" and encompassing just about anything under the sun, have grown so wildly popular that they rival more traditional wagers made on the Super Bowl, Las Vegas sports book operators say."
- L. A. Times - Feb. 1, 2007

Las Vegas bookies have been coming up with more and more side bets to entice football fans to bet on the Super Bowl. Everything from comparing points in the game to scores in other sporting events to establishing special odds for an overtime game have helped to generate millions more in wagering. In order to appeal to a wider fan base, Las Vegas has apparently decided this year to add some politically-themed propositions including the following Washington side bets:

* Which will be greater, the halftime point spread or the number of declared Democratic presidential candidates?

* Who will fumble first, Peyton Manning or George W. Bush?

* Which will be greater, the total number of field goals or the length in years of Scooter Libby’s prison sentence?

* Which will be higher, the total number of points scored by the winning team or President Bush’s approval rating?

* Odds of either team achieving victory by a margin of more than 70 points: 21,500 to one.

* Which will be greater, the average cost of a 30-second halftime television ad or the amount spent per minute on the Iraq War?

* Will the total number of safeties scored in the Super Bowl be greater than or equal to the number of jokes told by Hillary Clinton?

* Which will be greater, the total game yardage or the number of times Bush has said "evil"?

* Which will occur first, a score by either team in the first two seconds or an apology by Dick Cheney?

* Which will be greater, Chicago’s total rushing yardage or Ted Kennedy’s post-game weight?

* Odds of game going into double overtime: roughly the same as Democratic Congress passing a binding resolution against escalating the war.

* Which will be greater, the number of passes attempted or the number of times Bush says "surge" instead of "escalation"?

* Which will be longer, Prince’s halftime show or Bush’s last State of the Union speech?

* Odds that the Iraq War will end before the Super Bowl: astronomical.

P. J. O'Rourke Revisited

In his 2001 book "The CEO of the Sofa", humorist P. J. O’Rourke takes aim at two of his favorite targets: socialism and liberalism. According to O’Rourke, next to fascism and communism, these two "isms" are the silliest political philosophies extant insofar as they prescribe government intervention for the commonweal.

Given that much of the 20th century was guided by socialism and liberalism, O’Rourke had lots to satirize and ridicule. Well now it’s my turn. Since Mr. O’Rourke took his shots at the political left in 2001, there have been six years of his favorite styles of governance: plutocracy and neo-conservatism. I wonder how that turned out.

If you’re an average American, ask yourself how George W. Bush’s compassionate conservatism has worked out for you. I bet the trickle down effect from all those tax cuts for the wealthy has already kicked in, right?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. You see, if you put neo-conservatives in power, it’s like handing your teenage son a case of beer and the keys to the car and telling him to have a good time. Neo-cons talk a good tale in opposition but become unrestrained, irresponsible ideologues when in power.

As I recall the turn of the millennium, things were pretty good. Healthy economy, annual surpluses, social stability. "What the heck happened?" you’re probably asking. Well, as the kids today might put it: "Bush happens."

It’s not as if we didn’t have warnings. The Reagan years provided ample evidence that neo-conservatives shouldn’t be left home alone. Eight years of "Morning in America" may have superficially felt good with the avuncular Mr. Reagan in charge. But it turns out that old Uncle Ronnie was up to no good. By the end of his sunny reign, the country had been devastated by Iran-Contra, the Savings and Loan scandal and a tripling of the national debt.

That’s right; a tripling of the national debt. Brought to you by the folks who condemn Democrats as tax and spend liberals. Some think it ironic that it took a Democratic administration to clean up the mess and restore the government books to a surplus position. But there’s no irony in that, just history.

If you want a fiscally responsible government, your better bet is to go with the Democrats. They may not be the greatest administrators in the world but, even at their worst, they’ll take longer to piss your money away than the Republicans.

And with the Democrats, at least at the end of the day, you’ve probably got a little something to show for your money. But with the Republicans at the wheel, when the ride is over, the interior’s trashed, the stereo’s stolen and the engine’s blown. And worst of all, they forgot to renew the insurance.

Contrary to the ardent belief of the neo-cons, liberals don’t want to kill capitalism. It’s just that if you have big business, you need big government to keep it in check.

Big business is kind of like a nineteen-year old frat boy at a kegger. It has no conscience, no sense of social responsibility and no long term view. All it cares about is generating higher profits and CEO salaries - the sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll of the corporate world. Beyond that, who cares?

And that same philosophy is evident in big business’s political apologists. Cut taxes for the wealthy today and don’t worry about debt and deficits. Invade Iraq now, get rid of Saddam Hussein and don’t give a thought to what happens next. Cut regulatory spending to the bone and forget about long term consequences like post-hurricane flooding, global warming and e-coli outbreaks.

This myopic governance is ironic for another reason. For if neo-conservatives actually sat down and applied economic fundamentals to governing, they’d likely become neo-liberals.

Time and again, studies have shown that a dollar spent now on such things as health, education and welfare for the poor will save three, four or five dollars in the future. Spend a buck today on an inner city school or clinic and you’ll avoid forking out many more dollars ten or twenty years from now on additional police and bigger prisons.

You’d think that such a hefty return on the dollar would have neo-con capitalists lining up to support poverty assistance programs. But unless they can see results in the next ninety days, they’d rather spend the big bucks years down the road.

In the fable of the ant and the grasshopper, Republicans would have you believe that liberals play the role of the free-spending, unproductive grasshopper. But neo-cons are, in fact, the ones who don’t plan for winter, much less the next quarter.

P. J. O’Rourke is undoubtedly a funny man. However, looking back at his words of six years ago, it’s hard to fathom that he actually believed all the nonsense he wrote. Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. But the sad fact remains that his misguided wit was, in some small way, partly responsible for the election of George W. Bush and the resulting national nightmare.

Now I’d like to have some fun and play the role of a liberal P. J. O’Rourke. But given the mess his boy has created, there’s really no time for that. If we’re going to clean it up, it’s going to take all hands on deck working around the clock to restore America to its former greatness.

So what do you say, Mr. O’Rourke? We’ve only got two more years to ensure a Democrat gets back in The White House. Apology accepted and let’s get to work.

A True Original

In the words of John Stuart Mill: "All good things which exist are the fruits of originality."

To rely solely on the words and works of others is to wallow in mediocrity. It’s always better to strike out on your own and fail than to safely cling to the tried and true and thereby gain only a pale imitation of success.

One could do worse than, as Shakespeare wrote, "If you will lead these graces to the grave. And leave the world no copy."

For a life lived by its own rules will always shine brighter than the life lived in harness to those around it.

Even if your job is to translate the works of others, break the mould and rise above the mundane. Then you can at least aspire to achieve the praise of one like Jorge Luis Borges who once said of a translator’s work: "The original is unfaithful to the translation."

Aspire to be like England’s great bard who Ralph Waldo Emerson referenced thus: "When Shakespeare is charged with debts to his authors, Landor replies, ‘Yet he was more original than his originals.’" Remember, as did Oliver Wendell Holmes, that "A thought is often original, though you have uttered it a hundred times."

One might take the view that "Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met." (Fran Lebowitz) Or as Goethe mused: "The most original authors of today are original not because they create something new but because they are capable of saying such things as if they had never been said before."

I find such a stance to be somewhat cynical and defeatist. And to be a cynic is, in Oscar Wilde’s estimation, to be "A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing."

And remember, as Richard Nixon so eloquently put it: "Defeat doesn’t finish a man - quit does. A man is not finished when he is defeated. He’s finished when he quits."

Gaston Bachelard wrote: "There is no original truth, only original error." But I prefer the words of Brenda Ueland who said: "Everybody is talented, original and has something important to say."

Even me.

Take It From Me

As I rapidly approach my 57th birthday, I figure it’s time to share my wisdom with the world. For those of you starting out in life, save yourself some trouble and heed the following hard-earned life lessons:

* Read the instructions BEFORE assembling.
* Don’t start the windshield wipers if they’re iced over.
* Pay someone to plow your driveway.
* Always (and I stress the word "always") turn off the main water supply before attempting plumbing repairs.
* Apart from simple washer replacements, don’t attempt plumbing repairs.
* Oil spots underneath your car should not be ignored.
* Don’t buy items that say "Some Assembly Required" on the box.
* If it takes more than a screwdriver and a hammer, hire someone else to do it.
* Don’t drink and dial.
* Don’t say "I love you" unless you’re sober.
* Learn what poison ivy leaves look like.
* Always keep calamine lotion in your medicine cabinet.
* Don’t assume you had chicken pox as a child.
* Do not accept invitations to attend sales presentations to receive "your free gift."
* Pay the extra $25 to have the gas barbecue assembled.
* Don’t try to repair a 30-year old lawn mower.
* Back up your computer files regularly. ("Regularly" means more often than every time the hard drive crashes.)
* Check the expiry date before drinking milk or juice directly from the carton.
* Cook meat from the refrigerator before it turns green.
* Don’t buy a used car unless you know the previous owner.
* Don’t buy a second used car from the same dealer until the first car is at least a year old.
* Don’t try to "tighten" a loose connection in a light fixture with a small piece of aluminum foil.
* Keep a spare remote control handy.
* Buy an artificial Christmas tree.
* Always say "No."

The International Schoolyard

Overheard recently during recess in the international schoolyard:

CANADA: Boy, I’m really tired of that U.S. He’s always picking on people, telling them what to do and stealing their oil money.

FRANCE: Oui, d’accord. He ees, how you say, a real bully.

IRAN: Yeah and he’s always sticking up for that shrimp Israel. If I could just get that little runt alone, I’d push his face into the sea.

PAKISTAN: Tell me about it. I keep having to pretend to be his friend so he won’t beat me up. But when he’s not looking, I just do what I want.

SAUDI ARABIA: That’s the way to handle him. Be nice to his face and pay others to knock his toys over.

CANADA: Oh-oh. Here he comes. Cuba, you better scram because you really set him off.

FRANCE: He has his leetle buddy U.K. with him again. Oh how I detest that beef-eating bootlicker.

PAKISTAN: Look, U.S. has still got poor Iraq in a headlock although he’s putting up a good fight.

U.K.: Hey, get out of the way. U.S. is coming through. Give him some room.

U.S.: Hi guys. Good to see you. What’s your name squirt? Canada, right? Aren’t you the little guy who wouldn’t help me beat up Iraq?

CANADA: Uh...hi, U.S. Great to see you. You know you’re my favorite superpower.

U.K.: Of course he is, you dummy. He’s the only superpower.

CANADA: Heh-heh. That’s what I meant. And don’t forget, U.S., I helped you beat up Afghanistan.

U.S.: You did? I didn’t notice but OK, I’ll take your word for it

IRAN: Hey, U.S. Why don’t you let Iraq go and pick on someone your own size?

U.S.: Don’t tempt me Iran. Once I’m finished with this clown, I’m coming after you.

IRAN: Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nah! You wouldn’t dare, especially now that I have my new toys.

NORTH KOREA: Look, look! I’m running with scissors!

U.S.: OK, OK. Slow down.

U.K.: Yeah, we’re backing away.

U.S.: Here, you guys can have Iraq back. We’re done with him. But next time we need some oil, you better pay up.

U.K.: That’s right. If my pal U.S. says so, you better listen.

CANADA: Sure, sure, U.S., Whatever you say.

FRANCE: (sotto voce) Maudit Americains.

The State of the Household Address

My fellow householders. I come to you tonight to report on the state of the Martin household. Although 2006 was a year of unprecedented challenges, I am proud to report that 2305 Samuel Drive is stronger than ever.

Thanks to the financial stewardship of yours truly, we weathered the uncertainties in the economy. By maintaining my famous low profile at work, I avoided last July’s layoffs. And, despite historically low productivity levels, fortune smiled on me as I received an unexpected negotiated pay increment.

In view of the unsettled economic climate, some infrastructure improvements at 2305 Samuel Drive had to be cancelled or delayed. Unlike the heady times of 2000 when we acquired a new bed, fridge and roof, plans for new kitchen cupboards and a new dining room table had to again be put on hold. The outlook for future bathroom renovations is cautiously optimistic.

Provision of utility services presented a mixed picture in 2006. As you all know, the wild fluctuations in oil prices caused some uncertainties in the Martin household budget. But thanks to my wife Cheryl’s fortuitous switch of long distance telephone providers, overall losses were minimized. We are investigating long term contracts for electricity and heating oil to provide greater price stability.

Despite my pledge not to touch our retirement security funds, as you know, I felt compelled to switch $10,000 to a high tech mutual fund in April of 2000 when the NASDAQ had fallen to 3200. All I can say is "my mistake." The good news is that we still have most of the $6,000 capital loss realized in that year to carry forward for future use.

On the growth front, eleven-year old Sarah’s demands for a sibling unfortunately had to be refused. However, in order to placate her and to allay increasing parental guilt, a long-delayed commitment to dog ownership was finally realized in May of 2005. Some critics have noted that a second child would have been less expensive but I have reluctantly agreed that it is too early to make a final determination on that score.

As for external affairs, our usual placid relations with our neighbors to the east and west were tested. After the change in ownership at 2303 Samuel Drive, there was much upheaval along our eastern border. Luckily, protracted negotiations resulted in a mutually satisfactory fence extension. The situation along the western property line will continue to be monitored as 2307 Samuel Drive now has unreasonable expectations of a jointly financed replacement of the existing 30-year old fence.

In conclusion, I am pleased to report to all Martin householders that the future looks bright. Despite the turbulent uncertainties of the new economy, we can look forward to everything from a new lawnmower to a new TV in the coming year. And if we play our cards right, we may even make it to Disney World. God bless America.

State of the Union

After listening to President Bush’s State of the Union address, I feel confident in the future of the United States. The President highlighted his legislative achievements and his plan for the future and made Americans proud.

Now some naysayers are taking a simplistic approach and saying that the President has made things worse. These critics claim that the six years since Mr. Bush took office on January 20, 2001 have shown no progress or a marked decline on all fronts.

(The Dow Jones Industrial average was at 10,700.)

That’s just plain dumb, simplistic thinking.

(The unemployment rate was 4%.)

I know that opposition politicians like to play the game of "Are you better off now than you were two, four or six years ago?"

(The World Trade Center towers were standing.)

But that’s not right. It’s not fair to compare apples and oranges.

(There was no axis of evil.)

President Bush inherited a whole litany of problems from the Clinton administration.

(Politicians were wondering how to spend a projected one trillion dollar surplus.)

He had to take tough measures to ensure that this nation remained on the right track. Economic prosperity often requires difficult decisions.

(There was an estate tax and a tax on dividends.)

After years of wishy washy foreign policy by the Clinton administration, it was time to take a firm stance.

(North Korea was complying with its treaty obligations.)

The world was looking for a strong American voice, a voice that would speak the words of liberty and justice people were longing to hear.

(Saddam Hussein wasn’t bothering anyone.)

Bill Clinton had waffled on so many fronts that the world was a tinderbox in danger of explosion.

(Israel and the Palestinians had come very close to an historic peace agreement.)

The Democrats had pursued their misguided, liberal policies domestically as well to the detriment of the nation.

(Affirmative action was an effective social engineering tool.)

So, I say to those small minded critics: Stop worrying about the last six years and start looking ahead to the next two. Wake up before it’s too late.

Canada's New Official Greeting

In light of the latest nationwide outbreak of gastroenteritis, the Public Health Agency of Canada has recommended against handshaking to reduce the spread of the bug. But apparently that’s just the first step. Canada’s New Government has once again leapt into action with almost every federal department and agency signing on.

Health Canada was first off the mark with its own in-house protection plan. All employees have been issued disposable latex gloves which they are required to wear during their shifts.

"We thought this was the surest way to prevent infection," said a Health Canada spokesman. "Even if people inadvertently end up shaking hands, no viral transmission will occur."

Health Canada employees will be encouraged to wear their government-issue gloves while off the job as well.

"Since 78% of all viral infections are transferred from the home, we think it just makes sense," said the departmental representative. "Our new slogan ‘Love means wearing a glove’ says it all."

The RCMP is gearing up for a cross-country offensive against unprotected handshaking. Although there are not yet any criminal sanctions for illicit or illegal handshakes, the Mounties are planning to stop Canadians who are practising unsafe greetings and issue them warnings.

"We thought about providing an information flyer as well," said the head of the RCMP’s new Anti-viral Mobile Unit. "But the cost of covering and sanitizing the handouts was prohibitive."

The Department of Justice has taken the lead from the RCMP and is in the initial stages of drafting an amendment to the Criminal Code that would see unauthorized seasonal handshaking punishable by a fine of up to $5,000. Provisions are being made for the payment of any fines imposed by credit card, debit card or automatic bank withdrawal to avoid the inevitable transmission of germs via paper currency.

"We hope to have the epidemic under control soon," said a Justice spokeswoman. "At which time we will introduce a registry of known handshakers, costing a maximum of $50 million."

Even the CBC has jumped on board with an offer to run new public service ads 24/7 to help educate the public. In-house producers have created an animated character called "Hammy the Hand" who will show viewers the best ways to avoid human contact and reduce viral spread. CBC brass are even considering making the ads available free of charge to Canada’s private broadcasters to ensure that at least some Canadians will actually see them.

Finally, the Prime Minister’s Office is taking steps to educate Canadians and change our social conventions when it comes to public greetings. Look for public demonstrations by the Prime Minister himself of the newly approved substitute greeting of a straight-arm salute at a 45 degree angle.

"It’s the right thing to do for the country," said Mr. Harper. "And when it comes to doing the right thing, there’s no party more right than ours."

L'Enfer Est Tout Gelé

"The French government proposed a union of Britain and France in 1956, even offering to accept the sovereignty of the Queen, newly discovered documents show."
- The Globe and Mail - Jan. 16, 2007

Archival documents recently revealed that in 1956, the prime minister of France proposed a merger of his country with Britain. Many political commentators were shocked by the revelation. However, they likely would have been much less surprised if they had also seen a copy of the following yet-to-be-released proposed terms of union:

WHEREAS the great nation of France wishes to join forces with its poorer, cross-channel cousin variously known as England, Britain, the United Kingdom and "chez les bâtards."

AND WHEREAS the glorious French people have always been known for their acts of charitable kindness even when it comes to "la louche petite bourgeoisie" living in England.

AND WHEREAS the shocking deficiencies in British governance, culture and cuisine threaten to undermine European stability.

AND WHEREAS it would be expensive, impractical and "trés inopportun" to launch an invasion at this time.

NOW THEREFORE the glorious republic of France agrees to a merger of nominal equals to form what shall henceforth be known as the United Kingdom of France.

IN ORDER TO facilitate this unfortunate union, France, in a typically selfless yet grandiloquent gesture, agrees to recognize "La Reine de les Rosbifs" as the sovereign head of the new nation provided that she comply with the following terms and conditions, to wit, she shall:

* Change her name from Elizabeth II to Brigitte I.
* Enroll for a minimum 26-week course at Berlitz to improve her passable French.
* Guarantee that any of her progeny will marry only those of French descent.
* Cease and desist from burning meat and overcooking vegetables.
* Acknowledge the comedic mastery of Jerry Lewis and forever foreswear the appallingly humourless Benny Hill.
* Holiday regularly on the Riviera.

WHEREFOR the citizens of France will willingly submit to British law when the following provisos are satisfied:

* The two houses of Parliament are joined and renamed The National Assembly.
* The seat of government is moved to Paris.
* The national anthem is changed to "La Marseillaise."
* All current British subjects attend a six-week wine-tasting and culinary course.

NOW THEREFORE BE IT KNOWN that the final merger will be effective once these few reasonable conditions are met or when "l’enfer est tout gelé", whichever comes first.

SIGNED AT PARIS ("mais oui") this _____ journée de la mois de janvier, 1957.

Don't Call It Football

The Los Angeles Galaxy of Major League Soccer have signed David Beckham for $250 million in hopes of boosting the game’s popularity in the U. S. But, like the signing of Brazilian star Pelé by the New York Cosmos in the 1970s, I suspect the Beckham acquisition will also turn out to be a colossal waste of money.

Think for a minute. What names do you recognize in that first sentence? If you’re like me, not likely the Los Angeles Galaxy or Major League Soccer. And the only reason you’re probably familiar with David Beckham at all is because he’s married to Posh Spice. And why? Because soccer is boring.

If Major League Soccer wants to attract American fans to the game, it can easily do so and for a lot less money than Mr. Beckham is getting. League officials just have to make a few minor changes to accommodate the fans.

First of all, stop calling it football. It’s not football. Football is the Cowboys versus the Giants and Florida versus Ohio State. This game is soccer.

Next, they might want to consider putting more lines on the field so everyone can tell where the players are. Horizontal, parallel lines every five yards or so would definitely help pinpoint the action.

Personally, I’d like to see the players get some helmets and padding. From the few video replay clips of soccer collisions I’ve seen, some of these guys appear to be in excruciating pain.

Another suggestion is to let one team have the ball for more than twenty seconds. Just a thought but why not let each team have four tries to make ten yards? If they do then they get four more tries. Then at least there’s some continuity in the game.

Stop the clock once in a while and let the players have a rest. And TV fans at home would definitely appreciate the chance for a snack or washroom break. The league could even split each half into two quarters to allow for more TV ad time.

One thing that definitely has to change is the offsides rule. No one here understands it. Why not let both teams line up and call that the offsides line or, say, the line of scrimmage?

Finally, let the players use their hands. It would sure open up the game if they could pass and catch the ball. And if they have to kick it, how about some posts at either end they could kick the ball through for a point or three?

Now if Major League Soccer could implement these minor changes, I’m sure Americans would come out to the games in droves. And at that point, I doubt anyone would even care if they still called it football.

Extreme Makeover, White House Edition

President Bush recently embarked on some major renovations at The White House. As someone interested in handyman repairs, I suggest he consider using the following practical hints and helpful tools:

underground gas and water lines
Before starting a major renovation, check with the experts to see if there are any hidden dangers. Don’t just assume that you know where buried items are located. If you’re wrong, it can prove to be embarrassing and very expensive.

surge protector
When you’re working with power tools, it’s essential to use a power bar. Without warning, there can be an unexpected increase in available force. The surge protector makes sure that you’re not the one that gets burned.

hire help
Before rushing into a reconstruction job, make sure you have all the help you need. Confirm that family members are onside and ask your neighbors to lend a hand. Many an inexperienced renovator has regretted taking a unilateral approach to what initially appeared to be a simple, one-man job.

level
Many novices engaged in reconstruction discover too late that they needed a level. This handy tool ensures that you don’t end up with an unbalanced structure that eventually falls apart.

check underlying structure
Before removing a wall or beam, make sure it’s not an essential support. Once you’ve taken down such a support, the rest of the structure may collapse. At that point, trying to rebuild the broken factions is often impossible.

tape measure
A retractable measuring tape is crucial for getting the job done on time. Every good contractor abides by the old saw: "Measure twice; cut and run once." If you don’t, you could be working on the same job for years.

construct proper framing
Know where you want everything to be before you start. For example, without proper planning for door and window placements, you could end up with no exit strategy.

stud finder
Before trying to rebuild any old, dilapidated dwelling, you need to locate the supporting studs. Renovators who fail to do their homework end up building unsupported walls which often result in crumbling infrastructure.

crescent wrench
This is a lightweight, adjustable wrench that allows the user to turn different nuts in a mideasterly direction. However, the crescent wrench should not be used for heavy loads as it will easily break. Not to be confused with the cross wrench or the star of David wrench.

What's With This Weather?

According to Mark Twain, everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it. Well, finally that clever adage has been disproved.

It seems that years of people talking about the weather has generated enough hot air to make January seem like early April. We’re weeks into winter and we can barely keep a dusting of snow on the ground.

Now I’m generally the first to complain after we’ve had our first few annual rounds of snow, ice and cold. If, like me, you’re not a skier, you hate winter driving and the only skating you like is the indoor variety, then this latest winter weather pattern should be cause for celebration. Yet strangely it’s not.

When it comes to the weather, there’s really only one consistent, accepted response: complaining. Generally that means grousing about it being too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry or just too of anything.

So this winter, my seasonal complaint is that it’s just too darned weird. Golfers hitting the links in Ottawa in December? Joggers running shirtless in New York’s Central Park in January? Migratory birds cashing in the return half of their southern ticket? What the heck is going on?

When I whine about winter, it’s usually because of those endless cold snaps that keep you plugging in your car for nights on end. Or day after day of snow that builds up on the roof of your house to the point where you have to actually think about hiring someone to shovel it off. Or the alternating pattern of cold spells and freezing rain that makes every trip outside an adventure.

However, if I can get a winter that’s not too cold, too snowy or too icy, then I’m reasonably satisfied. You know, what we used to call a mild winter.

But this one is just plain nuts. How can you look out your front window in the middle of January and see bare grass and convince yourself that it’s winter?

Let’s face it; this is downright unnatural. My snow shovel has been sitting in the carport unused since early November and I’m afraid it’s starting to rust. The snow tires were sensibly installed on the car in late October and have been rapidly wearing away on permanently bare pavement ever since. And the $300 I spent on a snow clearing contract for our driveway might as well have been tossed in the fireplace as kindling for all the good it’s done so far.

A day or two of mild winter weather is always a nice break. But this extended stretch of false spring is downright creepy. It was kind of nice at first to go without the parka and the toque and the mitts. But once we hit January and things didn’t change, I started thinking that there had to be some payback for this respite from the cold.

I figure it’s kind of like overusing your credit card. It’s fun while the shopping spree lasts. But once the next bill arrives in the mail, the pain of repayment begins.

And that’s what I figure we’re in for soon, a big fat cold, icy, snowy repayment. The jet stream, El Niño, global warming and kismet are going to gang up on us and give us our usual four-month dose of winter. Except that it’s all going to be concentrated into the final two months.

So enjoy the next couple of weeks of weirdness because when it comes to weird weather, I predict that we ain’t see nothin’ yet. Come February and March, hang on to your hats, your coats and your scarves. Like Bette Davis said in "All About Eve": "Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night." And trust me, that’s when the real complaining will begin.

Smith v. Kringle

In a move that caught most market analysts by surprise, a class action lawsuit has been launched against one Kris Kringle. The statement of claim was filed on behalf of the class of children professing belief in Mr. Kringle and reads as follows:

Civil Action No. 001/07

SUPREME COURT
FOR THE
JUDICIAL DISTRICT OF THE NORTH POLE

BETWEEN:

Johnny Smith
Plaintiff

- and -

Kris Kringle
Defendant

TO THE DEFENDANT:

A legal proceeding has been commenced against you by the Plaintiff, Johnny Smith, age seven, as a representative member of the class. The Plaintiff claims as follows:

1. The Defendant Kris Kringle (a.k.a. Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, Jolly Old St. Nick), a resident of the North Pole, is the CEO and COO of an enterprise known as Santa’s Workshop.

2. The Defendant employs thousands of individuals variously known as elves or Santa’s helpers at well below minimum wage to produce toys to be distributed to members of the class, viz worthy boys and girls.

3. Notwithstanding a generous compensation package including extensive retirement benefits, the Defendant has consistently only worked one day a year.

4. In consideration of their yearlong good behavior, the class members were entitled to gifts and presents commensurate with the degree of "goodness" of said behavior.

5. In blatant disregard of this longstanding agreement, the Defendant failed to deliver gifts to some class members and, in other instances, delivered substandard, inappropriate or unwanted presents.

6. The Defendant concentrated his efforts on rewarding fellow CEOs in contravention of his duty to his shareholders and his contractual obligations of specific performance. For example, the Defendant awarded a $210 million post-Christmas severance package to the departing CEO of a business known as Home Depot.

7. At the expense of the class members, the Defendant had previously rewarded other underperforming CEOs with seven, eight and nine-figure salaries, stock options and/or severance packages.

8. Despite the Defendant’s underperformance and non-performance, he resigned his positions as CEO and COO effective December 31st of last year and immediately claimed his own severance package of $250 million plus an ongoing generous living allowance, a sleigh-related transportation stipend and a three-bedroom condo in Palm Springs.

Now therefore the Plaintiff claims that the Defendant is guilty of negligence and breach of contract and has breached his duty of care to the class members, to wit, to determine which members were naughty and which were nice and to compensate them accordingly.

Wherefore the Plaintiff on behalf of all class members seeks specific damages in the amount of $12,000,000,000 representing the unearned monies received by the Defendant and his fellow CEOs.

Furthermore, the Plaintiff seeks general damages for hurt feelings in the amount of $600,000,000 and one lump of coal in the Defendant’s stocking.

Wherefore, the Plaintiff prays for (1) relief in the amount of $12,600,000,000, (2) restitution for those class members underserved by the Defendant and (3) a declaration by this Honorable Court that the Defendant does, in fact, exist.

IF YOU FAIL TO OPPOSE THIS ACTION, JUDGMENT MAY BE GIVEN IN YOUR ABSENCE AND WITHOUT FURTHER NOTICE TO YOU.

January 10, 2007.
Issued By:
Supreme Court for the Judicial
District of the North Pole

Feline Follies

"He [John Baird] is also a lover of felines. The Harpers are great cat lovers, too."
- The Globe and Mail - Jan. 5, 2007

Ruff-ruff. Woof, woof, woof.

Hi, I’m Oreo. I’m a Portuguese Water Dog and my so-called master has agreed to translate my remarks for this piece.

I’ve never written an op-ed essay before. Heck, I’ve never even written a letter to the editor. But this latest cabinet shuffle by the Tories has really got me steamed.

The other day I was lying in front of the TV licking myself when I heard that John Baird has been appointed Minister of Environment. Nothing wrong with that, of course.

But what got my tail tied in a knot was the report that Mr. Baird likes cats. And apparently his boss Mr. Harper and Mr. Harper’s wife Laureen are big cat lovers, too.

Now I’m the first one to say that this is a free country and that everyone has the right to their own opinion including, of course, the right to be wrong. But, honestly, do we really want a bunch of mealy-mouthed cat lovers running the government?

When was the last time a cat ever did anything useful? As far as I can tell, never.

These furball-filled felines do nothing but lie around all day eating their owners out of house and home. They barely even acknowledge anyone else’s presence, much less cater to their needs.

Ask yourself when’s the last time you saw a cat taking its owner for a nice walk? Or playing fetch with a ball or stick? Or rescuing some poor misbegotten child from the bottom of an abandoned well?

The world is divided into two types of people: those who like dogs and those who like cats. And when it comes to the latter, as far as I can see, they’re no better than cats themselves.

As for the few cats I know, all they want to do is cut and slash. And cat lovers appear to be the same. Whether it’s programs or taxes, it’s all cut, cut, cut.

Not like that nice Stéphane Dion. The guy owns a dog, a Siberian Husky named Kyoto. Now what could be friendlier than that?

My owner tells me there’s likely going to be an election soon. I don’t know much about elections but I do know a thing or two about cats and dogs. And if my experience is anything to go by, I’d steer clear of the cat lovers.

Most dogs I know will run and play and even let me sniff their butts. But when it comes to cats, it’s just me, me, me and an open paw to the face. And I’ve got the scars to prove it.

So take a tip from a dog who’s been around the block. Before casting your vote for anyone, check out their pet preference. Otherwise, the next thing you know you’ll be governed by a bunch of yarn chasers and bird eaters. Just a word to the wise.

NASCAR

The National Association of Satirists and Cartoonists for Ascension Reform issued the following press release today:

We at NASCAR wish to alert the American public to an impending crisis. We’re not talking about Iraq or Social Security. We’re referring to the inevitable devastating effect of the 22nd Amendment to the U. S. Constitution, the one that limits a President to two terms.

If nothing is done, the 22nd Amendment will prevent George W. Bush from seeking a third term in office. For satirists and political cartoonists, that will be a serious blow to our livelihood and, by extension, to the nation’s economy.

Imagine, if you can, an America two years from now with no George W. Bush to satirize or lampoon. With no linguistic miscues, misguided policies or unilateral actions, the field of political satire will become a desolate wasteland.

Some observers argue that we are being alarmist and overly pessimistic. They claim that whoever ends up winning The White House will inevitably provide sufficient fodder for NASCAR members.

But just because that has always happened in the past is no guarantee it will happen in 2008. America has almost exhausted its supply of satirizable Presidents and a crisis is looming.

Think for a moment about the likely winners of the upcoming 2008 race. For the Democrats, the leading candidates include the humorless trio of Al Gore, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. For the Republicans, the picture is almost as bleak with boring potential nominees like John McCain, Rudy Giuliani and Jeb Bush.

No matter who wins from that group of yawn inducers, NASCAR loses. With a dull, lifeless, articulate, gaff-free President in The White House, we’ll be out of business.

Why should average citizens care about this problem? Because political satire is an integral part of the American economy and, until now, has been a growth industry.

We at NASCAR help employ thousands of writers, editors and cartoonists. And our work has a well known trickle-down effect. Without an easily lampoonable President, late night talk show hosts will experience a severe monologue deficit and standup comedians will see their routines decimated.

So act now. Help repeal the 22nd Amendment. And, rest assured, we are a non-partisan organization. We do not endorse any particular candidate.

Sure, it would be great to have George W. Bush running for a third term. But don’t forget; our initiative would also allow Bill Clinton the same privilege. In fact, we think a Bush-Clinton race in 2008 would be great for NASCAR and great for the country.

Please contribute what you can to our campaign. Remember, laughter is our most precious commodity. But it shouldn’t be taken for granted.. It takes dedicated professional satirists and laughable Presidents to maintain the national supply.

Your support can make a difference. And who knows? If we win this struggle, we may try to get the Constitution amended again to let foreign-born citizens like Arnold Schwarzenegger run for President. That would ensure a steady supply of satire for America for years to come.

Bush Be Gone

In a surprise move, George W. Bush has today officially resigned as President of the United States. Vice President Dick Cheney was sworn in as the nation’s 44th chief executive.

"I hadn’t planned on stepping down," said Mr. Bush. "But recent events made the decision irresistible."

When asked if his sagging popularity and recent failed policy initiatives had precipitated the move, Mr. Bush seemed genuinely surprised.

"No, of course not," said the former President. "My team was on course to accomplish all kinds of things. I can’t think of a more mistake-free Administration."

Apparently Mr. Bush’s decision was instead inspired by recent media developments.

"When I saw that Katie Couric took over at the ‘CBS Evening News’," said Mr. Bush. "I knew it was time for me to go."

"I’ve always been a big fan of Bob Shieffer," he continued. "He’s from Texas, you know."

"So I figured if CBS was prepared to dump a good ‘ole boy like Bob," said the ex-President. "That wasn’t a good sign for me and my party."

Asked why he resigned now instead of serving out his full term, Mr. Bush said he was inspired by former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay and was doing it for the good of the nation and his party.

"I am proud of my record," said Mr. Bush. "But if my running for reelection in 2008 will harm the chances of the Republican Party, I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal the presidency with a negative, personal campaign."

When reminded that the 22nd Amendment to the U. S. Constitution precluded him from running for reelection in any event, Mr. Bush was heard to say: "Oh, darn. Hey, do you know if NBC has filled that open slot on ‘The Today Show’ yet?"

Instrument Of Surrender

Instrument of Surrender in the War Against Christmas

We, acting by command of and in behalf of all non-Christians, secularlists and Wal-Mart greeters, hereby accept the provisions set forth in the Nativity Declaration issued by the heads of the several Christian denominations and subsequently adhered to by the various hosts of cable network news shows hereafter referred to as the Yuletide Powers.

We hereby proclaim the unconditional surrender to the Yuletide Powers of the humanist-secularlist-liberal axis and of all non-believing armed forces and all non-believing armed forces under the Anti-Xmas Axis wherever situtated.

We hereby command all non-Christian forces and their non-believing followers to cease hostilities forthwith, to preserve and save from damage all Christmas trees, Christmas lights and public nativity displays and to comply with all festive requirements which may be imposed by the Supreme Commander of the Yuletide Powers or by hosts of cable network news shows at his direction.

We hereby command all civil, military and government officials to obey and enforce all proclamations, orders and drections issued by the Supreme Commander for the Yuletide Powers and to henceforth refrain from wishing any and all citizens "Happy Holidays", "Season’s Greetings" or "Best of the Season."

We hereby undertake for the Anti-Xmas Axis to carry out the provisions of the Nativity Declaration in good faith including the restoration of any public Christmas displays and the removal of all non-Christian seasonal symbols and banners including but not limited to menorahs, Kwanzaa kinaras and Festivus poles.

We also undertake to encourage all citizens to acknowledge Christian seasonal greetings in kind, to enthusiastically participate in Christmas caroling and to employ, where practicable, outdoor displays of wreaths, trees and lights.

The authority of the Anti-Xmas Axis shall be subject to the Supreme Commander for the Yuletide Powers who will take such seasonal steps as he deems proper to effectuate these terms of surrender.

SIGNED at Bethlehem, Pennsylvannia this 24th day of December, 2006.

Al Franken, Barbra Streisand and Alan Colmes, By Command and in behalf of the Anti-Xmas Axis

ACCEPTED for the Yuletide Powers by Bill O’Reilly, Lou Dobbs and Ann Coulter

Honor Thy Father

Did Mr. Bush ask his father for any advice? "I asked the president about this. And President Bush said, ‘Well, no,’ and then he got defensive about it," says Woodward. "Then he said something that really struck me. He said of his father, ‘He is the wrong father to appeal to for advice. The wrong father to go to, to appeal to in terms of strength.’ And then he said, ‘There's a higher Father that I appeal to.’"- 60 Minutes interview with Bob Woodward

George W. Bush: Dear God, help me out of this mess in the Middle East.
God: Look, George, I never gave you any advice on Iraq. This was your own doing.
George W. Bush: But Lord, I specifically remember standing in front of the barbecue at my Crawford ranch and asking you for a sign if I should invade Iraq. And then flames shot up from the grill.
God: If you check, I think you’ll find that barbecue has an automatic starter.
George W. Bush: Boy, I wish I’d known that at the time.
Allah: It’s too bad you didn’t ask me. I would have told you to take a pass on Iraq.
George W. Bush: Who is that?
Allah: I’m God, George. Just a slightly different incarnation.
George W. Bush: This is confusing. What am I supposed to do now?
Buddha: Try to stay in the moment, George. Be mindful of the world around you and try not to get caught up in desire and material goals.
George W. Bush: Jumping Jehosaphat! You scared me. Who am I talking to now?
Buddha: I, too, am your Father, George. Listen to all of the spiritual voices and they will bring you wisdom.
George W. Bush: Holy cow! One at a time, please!
Vishnu: Easy on the sacred cow references, George. Can you hear me?
George W. Bush: Yes I can hear you but how many of you are there?
Vishnu: That’s not important, George. What is important is an awareness of birth, life and death. You seem to be concentrating too much on the last one.
George W. Bush: Help!
Dick Cheney: Wake up, George. You’re having a nightmare.
George W. Bush: Boy, that was really scary. There were all these gods and they were telling me different things and I didn’t know what to do about Iraq and.....
Dick Cheney: Relax, son. Just leave everything to me.
George W. Bush: Thanks, Dad.

Whistling In The Dark

The Federal Accountability Act that was recently given royal assent includes the implementation of what Treasury Board President John Baird calls the Mount Everest of whistleblower protection. Now comes the job of designing forms to implement the new legislation, including this rumored "Whistleblower Application":

WHISTLEBLOWER APPLICATION

Form No. TB-666

NAME: _________________________ (no pseudonyms or aliases, please)
ADDRESS: ______________________ (remember, we know where you live)
DEPT.: __________________________
CLASSIFICATION: ________________ (current level only - future classification not guaranteed)

Briefly describe in the space provided below the nature of the offense or wrongdoing you were witness to including the names and addresses of the employees involved:

Please note that you are required to provide proof that you have already brought this matter to the attention of your supervisor and your department’s deputy head. You must also provide proof that you have alerted these individuals that you will be filing this application.
Are you sure you want to do this? ____ Yes ____ No

Were you aware that the Public Service Integrity Commissioner is a former deputy minister?
____ Yes ____ No

Are you really, really sure you want to do this? ____ Yes ____ No

Did you know that the Federal Court is a federal government court? ____ Yes ____ No

Are you crazy? ____ Yes ____ No

Do you know any whistleblowers? ____ Yes ____ No (If "Yes", briefly explain why you still wish to proceed.)

Are you OK with never being promoted again? ____ Yes ____ No

How often are you willing to be demoted before resigning? _____ times

Do you believe that the wrongdoers will ultimately be punished? ____ Yes ____ No

If "Yes" to the above, please indicate which of the following you also believe in (1) truth (2) justice (3) Santa Claus.

What punishment are you seeking for the alleged wrongdoers? _________

Which of the following punishments would you be satisfied with? (1) letter of commendation (2) promotion (3) diplomatic appointment to Denmark

How upset will you be if the wrongdoers are rewarded instead of punished? (1) very upset (2) somewhat upset (3) not that upset unless one or more gets the Order of Canada

Number of years you are willing to put your life on hold. _____ (5 years minimum)

Amount of compensation requested. ______ (N.B. - if greater than $0, please note that there is no provision to sue the federal government for compensation.)

Once the application has been signed and dated, please mail it to the Public Service Integrity Commissioner and kiss your career goodbye.

DATED AT: _____________

______________________
APPLICANT

Presidential Exit Strategy

President Bush is now officially a lame duck. With the midterm elections over and two years left in his final term, it’s all downhill from here.

But that doesn’t mean he can’t keep busy. As a twenty-five year veteran of the Canadian public service, I’ve been planning my imminent retirement for years. Here are a few handy hints I’ve picked up along the way that might come in handy for Mr. Bush:

* Cut back on your workload. Chances are you don’t feel like taking on as much and, since you’re nearing the end, you may find it difficult to get any new projects approved anyway. Enquire about such options as a four-day work week, compressed hours or even working part time.

* Do some mentoring. Teach your potential successors how to avoid your mistakes. Whether it was misfiling, misreporting or just plain missing, you can help them get it right next time.

* Find out who your pay advisor is in the human resources branch and ask about your retirement pension. You may be pleased to see how much you’ll actually be getting. Make sure you’ll have adequate health care coverage and don’t forget to ask if there’s a severance package, too.

* Now’s a good time to sort through all those briefings and memos you never had time to review. You might be surprised what you’ll find there that might have influenced past decisions. And dollars to doughnuts, there’ll be a few embarrassing things you’ll want to discard or shred.

* Check out your local library. When you retire, you’ll have lots of time to read up on all kinds of interesting topics like, for example, international diplomacy, basic finance and the history of the Middle East.

* To help fill up the extra time, consider volunteer work or a part time job. Volunteering at a food bank, an inner city school or a veterans’ hospital can make you feel like you’re really making a difference.

* Consider buying a vacation property - a cottage, a chalet or a 1600-acre ranch in the middle of nowhere. It will make a great retreat where you can reflect in private on your career successes.

* Spend time reconnecting with your family. Now is the time to take care of aging parents and wayward children. Try also to mend fences with your father and siblings if there have been any longstanding differences of opinion.

* Apologize for past wrongs. If you’re like me, you didn’t get to a mid-level position in the government without stepping on a few toes. Saying "I’m sorry" to anyone you unfairly beat out for a promotion or those you had to dismiss will go a long way to salve your conscience.

* Do a bit of legacy planning. Think about how you want to be remembered after you’re gone. Now’s the time to fix any problems you’ve caused and to implement your original plans. If it’s too late for that, you can always blame your predecessor or just pray and hope for the best.

Restating the Obvious

After eight months of investigation and deliberation, the Iraq Study Group has concluded that things are not going well in Iraq. Subject to available funding, the same ten-member panel is reportedly also being asked to reconstitute itself under different names and consider some other pressing issues of national concern:

The Oxymoron Investigation Committee
Can someone be both compassionate and conservative? Is "compassionate conservative" a meaningful political descriptor or just an empty opportunistic campaign slogan? If there was ever any doubt, the Oxymoron Investigation Committee will put this issue to rest once and for all.

The Tax Cut Commission
Do tax cuts for the wealthy have a trickle down effect? Certain Bush administration officials have an instinctive belief that they do. An in-depth look at this issue by the Tax Cut Commission should provide the final and obvious answer.

The Arithmetic Commission of Enquiry
Does two plus two equal four? The Arithmetic Commission of Enquiry will spend the time and money necessary to finally solve this once contentious debate.

The Sundown Result Panel
What follows day? Some say it’s night. Are they right? The Sundown Result Panel will tackle this knotty question in short order. Look for a definite answer on this one in a matter of weeks rather than months.

The Facial Features Investigation Unit
How obvious is the nose on your face? What appears to be a relatively straightforward question may, in fact, have several different answers depending on one’s perspective. But if there’s an obvious answer, the Facial Features Investigation Unit will definitely uncover it.

The Moon Constitution Task Force
Is the moon made of green cheese? There are those who remain convinced that Earth’s sole satellite is fabricated entirely of a solid, edible milk product. Hopefully the Moon Constitution Task Force can provide support for a definite answer to this longstanding question.

The Ursine Excretory Commission
Does a bear defecate in the woods? Although some may have their doubts, the Ursine Excretory Commission won’t shy away from this one. They may, however, choose to pass on the more ideologically difficult questions: "If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?", "Have you stopped beating your spouse?" and "Why do Democrats hate America?"

The Invisible Raiment Team
Is the emperor wearing no clothes? Many in the emperor’s camp will swear that he’s wearing brand new clothes and that he looks great. Even the emperor believes he’s fully clothed. The Invisible Raiment Team will get to the bottom of the matter without insulting the emperor’s ongoing beliefs.

Operation Extreme Makeover

MEMORANDUM

****Confidential****

TO: Liberal Party Executive
FROM: Grits ‘R Us Consulting Inc.
RE: Operation Extreme Makeover

Congrats on choosing Stéphane Dion as your new leader. What a pleasant surprise. He wasn’t our first, second or even third choice but, now that we think of it, his selection means lots more work for us.

First off, everyone’s saying this guy is dull and boring. No worries because that’s an easy fix.
We recommend a few photo-ops to show Stéphane as a regular guy. How about having him attend a rodeo wearing a vest and a cowboy hat? Or maybe you could get him to arrive at his next press conference in a snowsuit riding a snowmobile? Just a thought.

Now some folks claim that Stéphane is not that popular in Québec. Frankly, we don’t see that as a problem. After all, he’s French Canadian, right? All he has to do is hum a few bars of "Mon Pays" and use the phrase "Québec nationalism" half a dozen times and he’s home free.

There’s been a lot of criticism about M. Dion’s fractured English. The traditional view is that he should spend a few months improving it. We say: "Don’t bother." It just wastes valuable time and it seldom works (e.g. - Bob Stanfield, Preston Manning and Brian Tobin).

Instead, we’re recommending a crash course to reduce Stéphane’s second language capability. Right now, he sounds like an intellectual with passable English. That’s two strikes against him right there. But teach him how to speak like Jean Chretien and he both loses the intellectual stigma and picks up a folksy, rural charm. Trust us; "le petit gars" plays a whole lot better than "that Ph.D. guy with glasses."

Speaking of glasses, ditch ‘em. If he can’t wear contacts, he’s still better off without glasses even if he’s as blind as a bat. Remember that transformation of David Peterson thirty years ago from spectacled geek to specs-free trendsetter? That was us. (As for his premature election call in 1990, that was his choice.)

Given the mammoth nature of this makeover project, we suggest starting as soon as humanly possible. Make no mistake; it’s going to be a tough job but far from impossible. Kind of like making a silk purse from a sow’s ear. But don’t forget, we’re the guys who helped Jean Chretien win three majorities so we’re used to achieving the impossible.

The Family Computer

Your kids have been clamoring for one for months. And your wife says it would be great fun for the whole family. Maybe it’s time to finally get a computer.

But before rushing off to purchase a family PC, there are a few things to remember. A computer is not a toy. It’s going to become a member of your family and will need lots of care and attention.

One of the first decisions you’ll have to make is where to put your new PC. Best to let it have its own room or possibly a corner in the basement. Whatever you do, don’t let it stay in the bedroom. The midnight clattering of keys and the glow from the screen can be very disruptive.

Your next choice will be what operating system to give your new friend. Try loading Windows. But be patient. It may not "take" the first few times but eventually it should work reasonably well.

As for software, the sky’s the limit. But take it slowly. It’s best to let your computer take some time to get used to each new piece of software. Start with a nice gentle word processing program and work up from there.

Once you have your PC on a regular schedule and Windows-trained, it’s time to consider Internet training. Take the time to hook your computer up properly to the World Wide Web and be sure to follow all the protocols consistently. If you don’t discipline your computer when it’s new, it will end up running you instead of you running it. One handy training tip is to always give your PC a cookie to reward it for good Internet behavior.

At this stage, don’t forget to cover all the health concerns for your new family member. That means taking it to a veteran computer technician for regular checkups and those (hopefully) occasional emergency visits.

It also means ensuring your PC has adequate warranty coverage. The last thing you want is to be hit with a devastating illness that could cost you hundreds of dollars in unexpected technical bills.

And speaking of illness, don’t forget to innoculate your new friend. Don’t worry when you first get your PC but after you start Internet training, make sure it gets proper anti-virus treatment. Some viruses are fairly mild but others can make you and your PC miserable.

If you’ve managed to see your PC successfully through its first year, it’s time to teach it some tricks. With a little patience, you can get your computer to fetch your mail, do your banking and even file your taxes. But be careful not to have it do too much. Computers are notoriously temperamental and you could end up with infected mail, an overdrawn bank account or a visit from a government auditor.

Sure, it’s a lot of work. But if you invest the time now, your computer can be a faithful family friend for months to come. Whether it’s helping you with your chores, playing games with the kids or just being a lovable companion, your PC will be one of the family.

And don’t forget that your family PC won’t become an unnecessary burden come vacation time. No need to pack it off to a computer kennel for two weeks. Just turn off the switch and your PC will never know you left. Of course, you might want to take the opportunity to send your family friend to obedience school while you’re away. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how much better it behaves when you return.

Be prepared, however, for the inevitable. A computer year is equal to 25 human years. So after about three years, your new pal will probably reach the end of its useful life. Its hard drive may keep crashing or it may just start losing its memory. But you’ll know when it’s time to pull the plug.

And when you do, don’t forget; you can always buy another one, maybe even a laptop. It’ll never replace that first PC but chances are everything will be a lot faster and easier the second time around. Who knows? You may even want to start your own network.

The Seven Dwarfs

Once upon a time there was a kingdom called Canada and it was naturally governed for years by the Liberals. The leader of the Liberals was called the Prime Minister and he ruled over the land as a philosopher king or a petit gars de Shawinigan.

But then one day the philosopher king died and the petit gars was betrayed by the usurpers within his ranks. And the usurpers chose a weakling to lead them, a Liberal named Mr. Dithers.

As sure as day turns into night, the one called Mr. Dithers led the Liberals to defeat. And the land was ruled by the evil Conservatives and their joyless leader from the land of Alberta.

Because Mr. Dithers was defeated, he was banished from the Liberals. And that meant it was time for all the members of the party to meet in a cottage in the forest called Montreal to choose a new leader.

There were eight candidates for the leadership. The fairest of them all was a princess named Martha. But she ate the poison called honesty, fell into a truth-telling trance and thus could not deceive the members of the party into voting for her.

The remaining candidates were the seven dwarfs. The leading one was Iggy, a pseudo-Canadian intellectual dwarf who spent most of his life in the faraway kingdom of America. Iggy liked to write long articles and pretend that he had the answers to big questions. But unfortunately he always seemed to have more answers than there were questions.

Another leading candidate was the dwarf named Dippy. He was called Dippy because he used to be the leader of another party called the NDP. In fact, Dippy still gave money to his old party which made many Liberals wonder if he was really leadership material.

That’s why some Liberals looked to the dwarf called Gerry to lead them. Like all the other dwarfs, Gerry had his shortcomings but he had one big thing in his favor - a limited record. Thus, no one could pin anything on Gerry and he could become whatever the Liberals needed him to be.

Some party members hoped that the francophone dwarf named Frenchy would lead them. After all, the Liberals could never regain power unless they had lots of support in the dependent nation of Québec. But Frenchy had once cast his lot with the petit gars and was no longer loved by Québecers.

The remaining three dwarfs had little chance to win. The one called Kenny was so boring that his speeches could put even caffeine addicts to sleep. No one completely trusted the dwarf named Scotty because he used to live with the hated Conservatives. And the one called Volpy was accused of recruiting underage and overage members.

If this were a real fairy tale, at this point in the story a handsome prince named Justin would kiss the princess Martha and give her the power to mesmerize the party faithful. Or he might leave Martha sleeping and just do it himself.

But this is a fairy tale without a happy ending. For whoever the Liberals chose, whether it was Iggy or Dippy or Gerry or Frenchy, he would still be a dwarf. And the one called Stephen of Harper would crush that dwarf with his pliers, laugh the laugh of the victor and continue to rule over the kingdom of Canada..

Letter of Resignation

Recently retrieved from a wastebasket in the Oval Office of The White House:

Dear Mr. President:

It is with great regret that I offer my resignation. It has truly been an honor and a pleasure working under you these last six years.

No matter what people say, I think we can both be proud of the things we accomplished. I know I will always cherish the many near misses and our occasional brush with success.

Some observers will undoubtedly criticize me for rushing into projects unprepared. That is their right.

But if fools rush in where wise men fear to tread, then I’m proud to be labelled a fool. And I’m doubly proud that you, sir, were right there at my side.

I will always admire your abundance (some would say overabundance) of that quintessential American quality called sticktoitiveness. You were never afraid to declare "mission accomplished" even before the job was completed.

I am saddened that you have faced public criticism for some of my decisions. Just because the ultimate authority always rested with you should never detract from the fact that I and others were actually calling the shots.

Frankly, sir, it comes as somewhat of a relief to be done with my job. It is very frustrating to be criticized day after day by people who have no patience and measure success in completely different ways from you and me.

We know that any job worth doing is worth doing over the course of decades, not just years. Those who believe in the quick fix or the so-called slam dunk will never understand what real work means.

Let’s face it, sir, small minds cannot achieve greatness. They would have us explore all options and plan for every contingency before taking even the smallest of baby steps.

But to achieve true greatness, risks must be taken and rules must be broken. Not only did we think outside the box, we even questioned the box’s very existence.

We in our business know that it’s a dog eat dog, take no prisoners world out there and that our seat of the pants, anything goes attitude will, in the end, always come out on top. And if we were to take prisoners, we’d make them sorry they ever surrendered. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Someone once said "A man’s reach should exceed his grasp or what’s a heaven for?" I don’t know what the heck that means but somehow I feel that that is just what we were doing.

I know that some of our competitors will take joy in my departure. But if they think my leaving will deplete our team’s ranks of single-minded, unilateral risk takers, they are sadly mistaken.

Some will no doubt speculate that you asked me to resign and will read all kinds of things into my decision. But you and I both know that you didn’t ask for my resignation, at least not directly.

Finally, let me just say how proud I am to have contributed to the success of your administration in whatever small, insignificant way that I could. Thank you for your almost unwavering support and good luck in pursuing whatever goals you have in mind. May freedom and democracy flourish wherever you go.

Please carry on your mission without me knowing that, whatever else happens in my life, I will always have a special place in my heart for the Iraq that might have been.

Yours,

Donald

W's Blog - Summer 2005

1600 PA. AVE. - An occasional anonymous summertime weblog by "No. 43"

August 31
Had to cut my vacation short. Lots of folks flooded out in the Big Easy. Just as well since that Sheehan woman was wanting to see me again. Pretty hard to have a quiet rest clearing brush with all that shouting and cursing going on. (Note to self: Next year consider imposing a five-mile, liberal-free zone around the ranch.)

August 30
I was honored to help in the celebration of VJ Day. Apparently today was the 60th anniversary of this event. Frankly, I was surprised to find that out. I always thought that MTV didn’t have their first music video broadcast with a veejay until about 1981. It just goes to show you that you can learn something every day.

August 20
Whooeee! Got to go biking with Lance Armstrong. Boy, that guy is fit and he didn’t even fall off once. Lance told me not to worry about any charges of electoral wrongdoing. He says that by the time anyone finds out, I’ll be out of office and untouchable. Lance says that unless they follow proper protocol, you’re home safe.

August 2
Well it’s time to head to the ranch again. I can’t tell you where it’s located since that might blow my cover. Let’s just say it’s not in Washington. I sure am glad to get out of that town. After a year of fighting terrorism and cutting taxes, I’m dead tired and really need a rest. Five weeks should recharge the old batteries and help me get back to spreading freedom around the world.

August 1
That John Bolton’s one crazy guy. Did you hear what he said he’d do to the UN Building in New York? Hilarious. He cracks me up; he really does. But those wimps in the Senate didn’t want to let him work at the UN. I fooled them, though. Did you know you can appoint someone all on your own after Congress recesses? Me neither but apparently you can. Who knew? Hats off to Al Gonzales for spotting that one.

July 28
Phoned my pal Raphael Palmeiro to congratulate him on his 3,000th hit - of a baseball, that is. Boy that guy is fit and he sure has nice muscle tone. I asked him how he got to be so ripped and he laughed and said "Don’t ask; don’t tell." All he would say is that if I wanted to enhance my performance, give Barry Bonds a call.

July 19
That Alberto G. is a genius. I had to nominate someone for the Supreme Court and it was what we call a Goldilocks appointment - you know, just right but not too right. I don’t know where he came up with this guy John R. but he’s perfect. He’s about as pure as the driven snow and Al says he’ll do whatever Tony and Clarence tell him to do. Kind of like the relationship I have with Dick, Karl and Paul.

July 14
My buddy Karl seems to have gotten a woman into trouble. It’s not what you think, though. Cause if it was, I’m sure Karl would do the right thing and marry her. In the meantime, Karl says best to say nothing about all this if anyone asks. That’s fine by me. I’m as good at saying nothing as anybody. Except maybe for Scott McClellan.

July 4
Can you believe all the whining and complaining about Iraq from those Democratic wusses? Just because a few thousand National Guard troops get re-upped, they think this war is a disaster. Believe me, I was in the National Guard and I know those fellows don’t mind doing their part. I know I was ready to do my share back in 1972 or 73 or whenever it was that I served. If there had been a big war on then, you wouldn’t have seen me complaining about two or three tours of duty overseas.

Daily Market Analysis

Subscribers to "Dave’s Daily Market Analysis" received the recent daily in-depth stock market reports:

Monday: Dow @ 12,105 up 156 points; NASDAQ @ 2,316 up 28 points

Today’s uptick in the markets is not surprising given recent economic developments. The employment numbers came out showing a rise in the number of unemployed workers. This, of course, dampens inflationary trends thereby ensuring the Fed will not be raising interest rates any time soon. The markets took all this good news in stride with gains across the board.

Tuesday: Dow @ 11,910 down 195; NASDAQ @ 2,325 up 9

Entirely predictable action on the Dow given the international trade figures released today. The U. S. balance of payments deficit hit an all-time high for the year which negatively impacted both the manufacturing and industrial sectors. Rapid growth in the Asian economies of course increased demand for high tech support which easily explains the modest increase in the NASDAQ.

Wednesday: Dow @ 12,250 up 340; NASDAQ @ 2,230 down 90

No surprises here as market watchers were long expecting institutional fund managers sitting on unduly large cash holdings to jump back in to U. S. equities. Today’s "bandwagon" effect was initiated at the opening bell and predictably drove trading throughout the day. If anything, the increase was not quite as big as expected. Cash-to-equities transactions of course spelled trouble for the NASDAQ which not surprisingly dropped significantly.

Thursday: Dow @ 12,005 down 245; NASDAQ @ 2,300 up 70

Savvy investors saw this development coming a mile away. Profit taking combined with a full moon and the first appearance of Venus in the northern sky made today’s market moves obvious. That and the start of the new school year meant no one versed in market analysis was caught off guard by today’s drop. And where did all that profit taking money go? Why to the NASDAQ, of course! Hence, up 3% on a record volume.

Friday: Dow @ 12,105 up 100; NASDAQ @ 2,316 up 16

Always take the long view with the markets. Day-to-day fluctuations can always be explained. But the important thing is long term performance over an extended period of time like, say, a week. The markets for this week were flat which was easily foreseen by the uncertainty in the housing market and the fact that the current astrological sign is Libra. A balanced approach to a balanced portfolio always spells slow, steady growth.

Monday: Dow @ 11,805 down 300; NASDAQ @ 2,166 down 150

Stellar economic indicators and strong third quarter corporate profits may have fooled many investors. Those not alert to underlying market realities would have missed today’s drop. But those who realized that today is October 24th knew that Libra gives say to Scorpio and a market sting is invariably the result of late October trading.

Tuesday: Dow @ 12,005 up 200; NASDAQ @ 2,266 up 100

Of course those economic numbers from Monday weren’t meaningless. Often, analysts take a day or two to fully assess their impact and then make their move. Entirely predictable and completely foreseeable.

Wednesday: Dow @ 12,205 up 200; NASDAQ @ 2,366 up 100

As I said, analysts often take one or two days to analyse the latest economic stats. The real shocker would have been if the markets had not gone up today.

Thursday: Dow @ 11,805 down 400; NASDAQ @ 2,166 down 200

Those not expecting profit taking after two straight days of sizable gains are not being realistic. And those in the know long ago spotted that today was a triple-witching day on Wall Street namely, a high tide, a lunar eclipse and the giant end-of-season sales at Brooks Brothers and Marc Jacobs.

Friday: Dow @ 12,000 up 195; NASDAQ @ 2,300 up 134

If you took yesterday’s 10% increase in the price of oil as a sign to cut your losses, you haven’t been paying attention. Oil’s up and that means the resource sector will drive the market for the next 24 hours. After that, it’s anybody’s guess.

Good Times, Bad Times

This piece is returning to my blog after an appearance on the humor site Yankee Pot Roast:

New to me but apparently familiar to many local readers is a daily newspaper called "The New York Times."

Although I am generally not a fan of the so-called broadsheet format, I was willing to give this publication a try. Sadly, it failed to meet my basic journalistic standards on almost every count.

First, the front page is, in a word, boring. From its baroque masthead to its six-column overindulgence in the printed word, the Times (as it apparently is colloquially known) simply appears not to be trying.

Some might excuse the rather tedious layout due to the broadsheet format. But I don’t buy it. If "USA Today" can manage to pack a rainbow of color on its front page, there’s no reason "The New York Times" can’t do so as well.

If it were only its front page that was deficient, perhaps I could give this paper a passing grade. Unfortunately, the front page sets the tone for what’s inside.

A quick perusal of the sports section, for example, leaves one wondering why they bothered at all. Where there should be a plethora of exciting color pictures of the games of the day, there is instead an ongoing parade of needlessly lengthy reports interspersed with something called analysis.

Alas, photographs are few and far between. The only good thing I can say about this sad section is that if you’re a fan of cricket, rugby or international soccer, there’s something in there for you. But, in my view, the extra space devoted to such arcane exotica could be put to better use with more photos.

Believe it or not, "The N. Y. Times" does not carry an editorial cartoon. At least the edition I reviewed didn’t have one. Unless you count the inclusion of a caption-less line drawing bearing no relation to the events of the day. Which I don’t.

I’ve never been sure why newspapers devote space to political columnists, op-eds and editorials. But if a paper insists on foisting such features on its readers, the least it can do is make them interesting.

A grave oversight is the lack of a point-counterpoint opinion feature. Although "The Times" doesn’t stint on the number of columnists (another failing, I submit), how is the reader to know the columnists’ political leanings unless they are arrayed against one another in the traditional pro-con format?

It may be that such featured scriveners as Dowd, Friedman, Krugman and Brooks actually have something of note to say. But to expect the reader to forage through two or three columns, several editorials and an equal number of op-ed pieces is pure arrogant fantasy.

A review of the rest of the paper suggests that its pretentious masthead slogan might better read "All the news that fits we print." Report after endless report about all manner of inconsequential happenings sadly evidences the lack of a practised editorial hand. Far fewer so-called news reports and more snappy lifestyle features and color graphics would greatly enhance this stodgy daily.

Another shortcoming of this colorless journal is its relentless New York-centered coverage of the news. Yes, it’s "The New York Times" but it’s not necessary to hammer the reader over the head with that fact. From a Broadway-dominated Arts section to a Wall Street-centric Business section to a New York-jammed section called "New York/Region", it’s as if the world beyond Manhattan Island doesn’t exist. Such a provincial approach to the news is certain to doom this paper to a regional audience at best.

To ensure a fair and balanced approach to my review, I decided not to base it solely on one daily edition. In the spirit of good journalism, I reserved judgment until I had viewed a sample Sunday edition.

In retrospect, I wish I had not vowed to be so thorough. My faithful readers will know that I am not a big fan of Sunday editions. If you can’t say what needs to be said in six days, you’re not going to make up for that deficiency with an extra paper.

Although Sunday editions tend to be bigger than their weekday counterparts, "The New York Times" far exceeds any reasonable limit. The issue I purchased was over two inches thick and weighed in at a wrist-spraining three pounds. It made most magazines look anorexic by comparison and, in fact, even contained within its endless folds its own magazine.

Not only did the Sunday paper feature all the excesses of its weekday cousin, it also contained entire bloated sections devoted to everything from books to cars to fashion. Each of those sections kept to the paper’s apparent formula of "more is less" in what is surely the world’s most egregious misuse of newsprint.
All I can say is that if you need a functional doorstop, your four dollars would be better spent on a decorative brick than this poor excuse for arboricide.

I am sad to report that, as a daily newspaper, "The New York Times" is an outright failure. I suspect its owners will find it difficult to achieve six-figure circulation numbers even in a city as big as New York. Don’t be surprised if they pull the plug on this stillborn gazette sooner rather than later.

Next week, I’ll review what appears to be a more promising paper from the Big Apple - a terrific, tightly-edited tabloid called "The New York Post."

The Name's Bush, George W. Bush

"With ‘Casino Royale’, we’ve not only got a new Bond, we’ve also got a new approach to the genre. It’s revisionist. It’s going back to the roots of Bond’s character."
- James Chapman, author of "License to Thrill"

All of Washington, D. C. is abuzz with excitement. This January marks the opening of a new political season with a new George Bush. And once again that signature phrase will echo across the nation’s capital: "The name’s Bush, George W. Bush."

Bush watchers have long been waiting to see which role the man would adopt in light of the recent midterm election results. Some, of course, are fans of his early work, such pre-9/11 performances as the compassionate conservative Bush and the "I’m a uniter, not a divider" Bush.

Many more, however, are partial to the post-9/11 actor. These are the folks who cherish those great Bush roles like the fighter pilot in "Mission Accomplished", the ardent unilateralist in "Weapons of Mass Destruction" or the lone gunslinger in "Bring It On" and again in "Wanted Dead or Alive."

Some of these post-9/11 fans have been disappointed by more recent works. A number of critics would likewise agree that such productions as "Democracy in Iraq", "Katrina" and "I’m the Decider" are not the strongest entries in the Bush canon.

Most fans also have their favorite Bush villain. Longtime Bush followers point to the pompous Gore in 2000 while others are partial to Saddam and Kerry. But most will agree that the nastiest of the lot is the yet-to-be-defeated Osama.

It appears that Mr. Bush may finally have met his match against the criminal organization DNC, the Democratic National Committee. Despite years of success against this band of terrorists, dozens of Bush compatriots recently fell to an onslaught of Democratic bad guys. But Bush has been counted out before and survived to live another day. Guided by the masterful K and the all-powerful Dick, he always seems to be able to grab victory from the jaws of defeat.

Although we won’t know for sure until January which Bush we’ll see this time, there have been some hints. At a recent sneak preview, some fans heard a new Bush sounding much like the original Bush with a liberal use of words like "cooperation", "compromise" and "bipartisanship."
But all that may be just the latest Washington teaser designed simply to put bums in the seats. When it comes to George W. Bush, the only sure thing is that he will be shaken, not stirred.