Trick or Treat

With every passing year, Halloween is becoming more and more of a holiday not just for kids but for grownups as well. Look for these adult "trick or treaters" out and about on Tuesday night:

Stephen Harper
As with every aspect of his government, Stephen Harper has decided to do all the trick or treating himself. The Prime Minister has ordered his entire Cabinet to stay home while he gathers the goodies. Insiders report that Mr. Harper has not yet decided whether he’ll dress up this Halloween as Peter MacKay, Jim Flaherty or Rona Ambrose.

Michael Ignatieff
By now, the frontrunner in the Liberal leadership race had hoped to be trick or treating all by himself. But thanks, in part, to his surprising ability to continue speaking even with both feet in his mouth, it appears that he will have lots of company this coming Tuesday night. As things now stand, it looks like Mr. Ignatieff will still be making the rounds with his fellow candidates dressed as Iggy and the Seven Dwarfs.

Ralph Klein
For the first time in years, Ralph Klein will not be going door to door on Halloween. The Alberta premier apparently wanted to go trick or treating but the contenders for his job asked him to keep a low profile until the leadership race is over. Rumor has it that Mr. Klein will simply stay home this year and hand out more $400 treats to every Albertan who comes to his door.

Jean Charest
In keeping with his past history, Jean Charest will once again be sporting a multi-purpose costume for Halloween. As always, the Quebec premier will be wearing a red shirt with blue pants and will be carrying both a Canadian and a Quebec flag. Mr. Charest reportedly will be dressed this year as that scariest of creatures: a Canadian federalist who’s a Quebec nationalist.

Dalton McGuinty
Once again, Dalton McGuinty has been asked by Ontario parents to refrain from trick or treating. Apparently the premier’s uncanny resemblance to Anthony Perkins’s character Norman Bates from the movie "Psycho" has scared too many of the province’s children. Instead, Mr. McGuinty will stay home, turn out the lights and practise his very scary threat to correct the federal fiscal imbalance.

Danny Williams
As on past Halloweens, Danny Williams will be looking for handouts from everyone. Among other things, the Newfoundland premier will be seeking more hydro revenue from Quebec and more oil and gas money from Ottawa. Mr. Williams’s trick will be to gather all those treats while still keeping his equalization payments.

George W. Bush
In advance of next week’s mid-term elections, George W. Bush will be out on the hustings looking to scare up some votes for his fellow Republicans. However, given Mr. Bush’s current approval ratings, instead of Halloween treats, he may instead find a lot of darkened doors. In fact, given his six-year record, the trick may be to find anyone who’ll even admit that they voted for him.

Kimi Jong-il
The North Korean leader jumped the gun on this year’s Halloween celebrations. He has already identified the treats he wants in the form of oil, trade and financial assistance. Apparently his "trick" involves leaving a flaming bag of fissionable material on a certain southern neighbor’s doorstep.

George Passes His Midterms

With the mid-term elections only days away, President George W. Bush has wasted no time in using his new powers under the recently signed detainee legislation.

"As I’ve noted all along," said the President. "These new powers will be used to protect the American people from the terrorist threat."

When asked to elaborate on what he considered the terrorist threat, Mr. Bush indicated that anyone who stood in the way of his Administration carrying out its mandate could be considered an enemy combatant.

"The American people trust me to use these new powers for good and not for evil," said President Bush. "They know that I would not abuse these powers for partisan aims."

President Bush declined to indicate who qualifies as an enemy combatant. He also reiterated his position that the U. S. government does not engage in torture so long as torture remains undefined.

"I’m not going to give anything away to our enemies," said Mr. Bush. "Unlike some of those cut-and-run Democrats, I intend to do whatever it takes to protect America."

Protecting America seems to have taken on a broader scope in light of the President’s new powers. Asked to comment on rumors about recent interrogations of select Democratic Congressional candidates, Mr. Bush was not entirely forthcoming.

"That’s classified information," said the President. "But let me just say that if certain naysaying Democratic candidates are polling above 50% in their states or Congressional districts, that’s definitely cause for concern."

The President denied that Senator John Kerry had been called in for questioning.

"As far as I know, his term isn’t up until 2008," said Mr. Bush. "I see no reason to detain Mr. Kerry at this time."

Mr. Bush, however, refused to comment on the recent disappearances of Senators Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.

"Even if I did know where they are, for national security reasons, I couldn’t tell you," said Mr. Bush. "Let’s just say that if they were to drop out of their respective Senate races, the population of Guantanamo Bay might drop by two, if you know what I mean."

When asked how far he was prepared to go in applying the new detainee provisions, Mr. Bush smiled and said: "As far as I need to go in order to protect each American citizen’s inalienable right to be governed by the Republican of his choice."

Thanks George

Thanks, George Steinbrenner. Thank you for deciding to keep Alex Rodriguez and to not fire Joe Torre.

It’s not that I’m a grateful Yankee fan. Far from it. In fact, I hate the Yankees.

From as early as I can remember, I detested the Bronx Bombers. As a young kid growing up in northern New York almost fifty years ago, I preferred to strain to hear a weak radio signal from Baltimore with Chuck Thompson reporting the exploits of my favored Orioles than to dial into any one of a dozen nearby stations carrying the hated Yanks.

It seemed then, as now, that the world was divided into two camps: those who loved the Yankees and those who loathed them. I was a card-carrying member of that latter camp.

Like most Yankee haters, I suffered year after year with the only relief being the occasional season that the pinstriped crew failed to make it to the World Series. So it came as a surprise to me when I felt a sense of relief when Mr. Steinbrenner didn’t lower the ax on Messrs. Rodriguez and Torre. Strange as it seemed, I was glad to see the Yankee team left intact.

‘What’s happening here’ I thought. ‘Why would I wish good things on the evilest franchise in the universe?’

Then it struck me. How could I hate the Yankees if they stunk? What good would it do me to watch them become a second-rate team? I needed the Yankees to be successful almost as much as I needed to hate them. Just not too successful.

Don’t get me wrong. It was great fun to watch the underdog Tigers whip the Yankees in four games. Watching the modern Murderer’s Row flailing away at Detroit pitchers was a delicious treat.

But somehow it lacked the satisfaction of a Yankees loss in the League Championship Series or, better yet, a defeat in the World Series. The higher they soared before being shot down, the greater my pleasure.

That’s why I want to see this year’s Yankee lineup retained. No doubt, they’re great. But so far, thankfully, they’re not great enough to win it all.

When I look back, the last five years has been one of the most satisfying periods in baseball for me. The hated Yankees have made it into the World Series twice and both times they lost. And even when they didn’t make it into the Series, they provided exquisite delights such as their complete collapse against the Red Sox two years ago.

What would appear to be incredible success to any other franchise is currently viewed as a crisis by Yankee fans. Any other team with 26 championships, four in the last ten years and perennial division winners would rejoice in such accomplishments.

But for the followers of the pin-striped ones, those achievements are nothing. There has been no World Series victory since 2000. In Yankeeland, that’s not just a drought, it’s a true catastrophe.

I suspect that Yankee fans would sooner suffer another ten-year period of mediocrity than to go on like this. Coming close every year and then losing must be pure agony for these folks. At least that’s what I dearly hope.

So when George Steinbrenner says "Let’s stay the course", I couldn’t be happier. Here’s hoping he continues to achieve that fine balance that leads the Yankees on to another divisional title, dare I say it, another League Championship. For my sweetest dream is to see the hated ones make it into the World Series next year. I wouldn’t even mind that much if they won a game or two or even three. So long as they lose it all on a wild pitch in the bottom of the thirteenth inning in Game seven. Or am I asking for too much?

New Improved Democracy Spread

"And the second way to defeat the terrorists is to spread freedom. You see, the best way to defeat a society that is -- doesn't have hope, a society where people become so angry they're willing to become suiciders, is to spread freedom, is to spread democracy."
--George W. Bush, June 8, 2005

Some critics have suggested that the Bush Administration has no plan for implementing democracy in the Middle East. However, the following secret White House memo from 2003 outlining a clear time line suggests otherwise:

2003
- Invade Iraq and topple Saddam Hussein
- Support the Iraqi people in their immediate attempts to form a coalition government
- Plan for future free elections

2004
- Help to thwart the inevitable intrusions in the nascent democratic process
- Facilitate interrogation of captured prisoners by transporting them to perfectly legal, extrajudicial sites like Guantanamo Bay
- Re-visit and rethink the Geneva Conventions
- Celebrate first tentative steps toward Iraqi democracy

2005
- Assist the people of Iraq in their rebuilding efforts
- Neutralize the handful of troublemakers by sending them to CIA prisons in various secret locations
- Commemorate first partially successful democratic elections in most Iraqi provinces

2006
- Discourage American citizens from using incautious criticism to undermine the war effort
- Suspend habeas corpus for non-citizens to ensure the possibility of full, fruitful interrogations
- Re-define "Iraqi democracy"

2007
- Restrict all uses of the term "civil war" as an inaccurate and unpatriotic description of the rapidly evolving democracy in Iraq
- Extend the suspension of habeas corpus to also cover American citizens, particularly journalists
- Limit democratic Iraqi governmental options to non-theocratic forms regardless of popular will

2008
- Suspend trial by jury for non-Republicans
- Repeal 22nd Amendment to allow our great leader George W. Bush to seek a third term
- Temporarily detain individuals with surname Clinton, Gore or Kerry for national security reasons
- As a temporary measure, suspend free elections in Iraq until civil order can be restored
- As a temporary measure, suspend free elections in the United States until the War on Terror completed
- Presidential election deferred until 2009 and electorate restricted to Republican campaign donors

2009
- Our great leader George W. Bush is sworn in for a third term after winning the election with a 99% margin of the 150,000 votes cast
- Iraq renamed Democratic Peoples Republic of Iraq
- Victory declared
- American troop strength in Iraq doubled

2010
- The Democratic Peoples Republic of the United States declares Richard Cheney its first Dear Leader
- FOX becomes the official government televison network
- Plans initiated to spread democracy to Canada

Dear Joe Heartland

Dear Joe Heartland,

As a concerned Canadian, I’ve got an important message for you. It’s something your own politicians won’t tell you because they want your vote and are afraid to insult you with the truth.

In a few weeks, by casting your vote for a Democrat, you’ll have a chance to make a real difference in your country. Please, please, please don’t screw it up this time.

For six years, we’ve heard political commentators whine about how George W. Bush and his cronies stole the 2000 Presidential election from Al Gore. We’ve had to endure endless analyses of how the Republicans rigged the vote in Florida and stickhandled the issue through the Supreme Court.

But none of this would even have mattered if dummies like you hadn’t voted for Bush in the first place. The most surprising thing about the 2000 election is not that Bush stole Florida or that the Supreme Court highjacked the result. The most surprising thing is that it was close at all.

The country was on an economic roll. Inflation had been brought under control, unemployment was at record lows and the country’s books were in surplus for the first time in decades.

Al Gore was part of that success story and George W. Bush was a former part-time Governor of Texas with a mediocre track record and no plan for America beyond meaningless platitudes like "compassionate conservative." Yet you and your kind voted for him.

When asked "why?", you tended to say that you liked Bush. You thought he was a regular guy, someone you could sit down and have a beer with.

How stupid is that? I don’t know about you but when I’m charged with choosing a new leader, I’m not looking for some friendly, gum-chewing, back-slapping good ole boy to vote for. I want a candidate with an intellect and lots of political experience. Please try to remember that for this year’s election.

I’m not asking you to do this as some noble, selfless act. If you had thought about the issues for more than two seconds back in 2000, you would have realized that a vote for Al Gore was a vote for your own self-interest.

By voting for Bush, you helped hand out the largest tax cut in history to the rich while you received next to nothing. You also voted to start dismantling the nation’s social safety net that ensures not-so-bright people like you don’t fall through the cracks. And you also voted for the most ill-advised, least diplomatic, most egregious misuse of American military power in decades.

All this might have been forgivable if you hadn’t pulled the same ignorant stunt in 2004. As your hero George W. Bush has so eloquently put it: "Fool me once, shame on.....shame on you. It fool me, can’t get fooled again."

You had already experienced four years of some of the worst presidential governance your country has ever seen. And you had a bright, articulate, experienced Democratic candidate to vote for. Better yet, you even had a decorated war hero you could choose instead of a silver-spooned service evader.

And what did you do? You voted for Bush a second time! Unbelievable! Are you really that stupid that you would fall for the same old lines all over again?

"But he’s just like me," you said. "He’s one of us, a regular guy, not like that Kerry fellow."
Stop for one minute and think about it. Do you really want someone like you running the country? How do you think someone like you would do at such an important, complicated job? That’s right; you’d screw it up big time.

And that’s exactly what your pal "W" has done. Maybe this time you should think about letting the smart guy have a chance. You don’t have to like him; you just have to vote for him.

You can’t undo the damage you’ve done by repeatedly exercising your right to be ignorant and voting for George W. Bush. But you can start helping to clean up the mess by voting for Democrats in 2006. You can help give control of Congress (that’s the body made up of the Senate and the House of Representatives) back to a party that might be able to start turning things around.

For once in your life, Joe, think before you vote. Who knows? You might even like it.

Yours truly,

A concerned Canadian

A Value Investment

Dave Martin rebounded today after learning that his annual earnings will increase next year by 2.5%. Mired in a five-year decline, the value of the long term government employee may be seeing an unexpected turnaround.

Not surprisingly, Dave Martin did not realize the explosive growth experienced by many of his contemporaries during the boom years of the 1990s. Given his employment inertia, Mr. Martin remained in the same position throughout that bullish decade.

Once touted as a long term "value" investment, Mr. Martin even failed to meet that limited expectation. Due to government salary freezes throughout part of the nineties and Mr. Martin’s insistence on owning a house and driving a vehicle, annualized returns were well below the rate of inflation.

Those looking to Mr. Martin as a safe, secure investment were disappointed. Chief among those investors were his wife and daughter who were forced to suffer through the last ten years with used cars, discount Barbies and an outdated, avocado-green stove.

But all that may now be changing. Trading at an historically low P/E multiple, analysts see nothing but upside in Martin futures.

The recent salary increase of 2.5% sparkles in comparison to many other issues. And Mr. Martin’s limited lifestyle expenditures ensure that he will experience real growth in the near term.

Despite Mr. Martin’s propensity for investing excess cash in underperforming mutual funds, analysts claim there is real value underlying his position. Although they discount Mr. Martin’s core competencies, they do give full marks for his longevity. Apparently if Mr. Martin can maintain his current minimal performance level for another ten years, he will realize significant indexed pension earnings.

Thus, while the market is not yet bullish on Dave Martin, it is clear that there is money to be made there. If Mr. Martin were wound up today, insurance, pension and severance payments would yield a tidy return to anyone who had hung tough over the last twenty years. In the words of Mr. Martin’s wife, "I’ve always said that he was worth more liquidated than as a going concern."

Who Voted For Bush?

"Research Project for Ms. Anne Thrope’s Grade 9 American History Class" by Diana "Di" Ogenes

This is my research project for my American History class. It is a project which required research about history. It was assigned by Ms. Thorpe and she said it had to be 500 words long! That’s a lot of words but I counted them all and I think I even have a few extra.

I chose for my research project "Who voted for George W. Bush and why?" In a democracy like the one that we have, I think it is important for people to vote. And I thought it would be interesting to find out why people voted for Mr. Bush.

My dad says that anyone who voted for Bush is an idiot. But I don’t think that’s fair. After all, almost half of the voters voted for him and they can’t all be dummies, can they?

For my research project, I chose the personal interview method. Since Mr. Bush won in our Congressional district, I figured it would be easy to choose some names from the phone book and ask them if they voted for Mr. Bush and how come. I’m not sure why, but that method didn’t seem to work very well.

First I spoke to our mayor, Mr. Blo Harde. Since he’s a registered Republican, I was pretty sure that he voted for Mr. Bush. But Mr. Harde said he couldn’t remember who he voted for. He said that 2004 was a long time ago and he was pretty busy on election day and he’s just not sure which lever he pulled. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he said he was pretty sure he didn’t vote for Mr. Bush.

Next up, I tried Mr. Manny Baggs who runs the local bank. My dad told me that Mr. Baggs definitely would have voted for Bush just to get a tax cut. But when I called Mr. Baggs, he said that he thinks he voted for John Kerry in 2004. When I asked him about the 2000 election, he said he might have voted for Bush but that was six years ago and he couldn’t really remember.

I also called Mr. Baggs’s wife, Sadd L. Baggs. She’s the president of the local Women’s League of Republican Voters so I’m almost positive that she voted for the President. I asked her if she voted for Mr. Bush and, not surprisingly, she said yes. But when I asked if she voted for him in 2000, too, she said: "Oh, you mean George W. Bush. I meant that I voted for George H. W. Bush in 1988 and in 1992. I don’t think I ever voted for his son."

I must have called a dozen different people who are registered Republicans but not one of them said that they voted for our President. The sports editor of our local paper said he voted for a Bush recently but it turns out he voted for Reggie Bush for the Heisman Trophy last year. But after the scandal broke about Reggie Bush taking money from marketing agents while in college, the editor called me back and denied even voting for that Bush.

Like I said, I hoped to find out why people voted for George W. Bush but I haven’t had much luck. On the other hand, I think I may have discovered something even more interesting. From my research, it might be possible that nobody voted for Mr. Bush. Isn’t that funny?

United Statesians

Unbeknownst to most Americans, the rest of the Western Hemisphere is not happy with their appropriation of the term "American." After all, aren’t all residents of this half of the globe Americans?

It matters little to Americans, of course, since they’re not confused by the word. But other Western Hemispherians find this unilateral name-claiming symptomatic of the arrogance and ignorance of the U. S.

In these fractious times, it might be a good idea for the United States to amend this longstanding practise. Giving back the term "American" would be a nice gesture of reconciliation to the rest of the world. It would show that the world’s most powerful nation is at least sometimes willing to compromise and change.

The decision to forego the name "American" is the easy part. The tough part, of course, is coming up with a suitable alternative.

At one time, it was suggested that U. S. residents go by the name "United Statesian." This seemed to make sense. It follows the form of other nationalities and is the literal translation of the term used by Spanish Americans namely, "estadounidense" or resident of los Estados Unidos.

But United Statesian just doesn’t seem right. It’s clunky and awkward and doesn’t fit the one-word template used by other nationalities (except maybe for New Zealanders, South Africans and Sierra Leoneans).

Other attempts have been made in the past. For example, "USAnian" and "Usian" have both been offered up as synonyms for "American." Again, neither of these candidates really fits the bill. In addition to being difficult to pronounce, they could easily get confused with "Asian" or "Eurasian."

The on-line encyclopedia Wikpedia lists more than two dozen alternatives but none has caught on. With choices like Fredonian, Colonican, Pindosian and Appalacian, that’s hardly surprising.

Some Spanish Americans use the term "norteamericano" to refer to gringos. Although an improvement on American, it still lacks the required specificity and risks offending the continent’s other inhabitants, primarily the Mexicans and Canadians.

So what’s left? Unlike other nationalities, it seems impossible to derive something suitable from the country’s name.

The term "yankee" seems to have almost universal recognition. But for those living south of the Mason-Dixon line, it likely won’t pass muster.

The American flag is the ultimate national symbol. So how about calling its country’s residents "Oldglorians" or "Starsnstripesians?" Well, maybe not.

Some have suggested that U. S. history and current foreign policy could inspire names like "Imperials" or Unilats" or "USers." But that seems churlish and a tad unfair.

When it comes right down to it, there just doesn’t seem to be a suitable alternative. So maybe the rest of the world will just have to accept Americans as Americans and leave it at that. Either that or you’re always welcome to start calling yourself Canadians, eh?

Laura Bush's Xmas Letter

Here's another excerpt from my book "My Friend W" published by Arriviste Press and available at selected Chapters stores and on-line at Amazon:

The White House
December 19, 2003

Dear Friends,

Well it’s that time of year again. The frost is on the windowpane, a chill is in the air and the Democrats are in disarray. That means, of course, that it’s almost Christmas.

George, Jenna, Barbara and I want to wish you and yours the best of the holiday season. For most of you, that means a Merry, Merry Christmas. For Colin and Condi, I believe the appropriate greeting is Happy Kwanzaa. And for our dear patient friend Paul Wolfowitz, Happy, Happy Hanaka (pardon my spelling).

Once again, it’s been a very good year for the Bush family. Ever since that "surprise" victory in Florida three years ago, everything’s just been coming up roses for us. Who would have thought that coming in second would pay such dividends?

Living here in The White House is indeed an honor for George and me. As George says, it’s the ultimate work at home location. I just hope we can stay a few more years. Since Al Gore’s not running again, let’s just all cross our fingers and hope the Democrats choose Howard Dean.

We’ve all been very busy this year. George, as you probably know, landed on an aircraft carrier, won the war in Iraq and nabbed that nasty Saddam Hussein. I, on the other hand, have been working hard at being a good role model for stay at home moms everywhere. As for the twins, well, girls will be girls.

As you probably know, we summered again at our ranch near Crawford, Texas. It’s not my first choice for a summer vacation or even my third choice if the truth be known. But as George says, it drives the media crazy covering him in 110º heat and that alone makes the whole trip worthwhile.

This year, we also spent Thanksgiving at the ranch with the girls. Well, at least I did. I’m sure you all heard about George’s brave trip to be with our troops. Unfortunately, that meant I had to share turkey with George’s folks. Poppy kept muttering something about how he would never have invaded Iraq but once we got his medication adjusted things were OK.

The only fly in the ointment this year was some uncalled for criticism of George about all those nasty corporate scandals. Some people said George was just as guilty when he was a businessman back in the 1980's. I think that’s really unfair because the last time I looked we here in America still have something called the statute of limitations.

I hope all of you enjoyed this year’s installment on George’s ten-year tax cut. Just consider it our little Christmas present to you. And if you didn’t see much difference in your net income, maybe you’re just not trying hard enough.

Well, I must sign off for now. I think I hear John Ashcroft at the door asking us to join him in prayer again. Boy are my knees getting sore! Just kidding. John always let’s us sit down.
Merry Christmas to all and have a happy and prosperous new year. If George’s repeal of the estate tax stands up, I’m sure all of us can look forward to many, many more.

Yours truly,

Laura Bush

Back In Black

" Conrad Black wants to be a Canadian once more and he is working on regaining his citizenship."
- The Globe and Mail, September 26, 2006

CITIZENSHIP AND IMMIGRATION CANADA

Mr. Conrad Black October 1, 2006
Baron of Crossharbour
London, England

Dear Mr. Black:

Receipt is acknowledged of your request for reinstatement of Canadian citizenship. Before proceeding further with your request, it will be necessary to complete the enclosed form CITIZN-REINST-004 in triplicate and return it to the address noted on the reverse.

Yours truly,

A. Bureaucrat


APPLICATION FOR REINSTATEMENT OF CANADIAN CITIZENSHIP

Name_____________________ Mr.____ Ms.____ Lord ____

Address _____________________________________

Did you previously hold Canadian citizenship? Yes__ No __

When did you lose Canadian citizenship? __ /__ /____ (dd/mm/yyyy)

How did you lose Canadian citizenship? (please check each appropriate selection)
__criminal conviction
__deportation
__pompous renunciation
__temporarily misplaced
__pointless pursuit of peerage
__engaged in frivolous litigation

In order to qualify for reinstatement will you undertake to

1) Visit Canada no more than twice a year Yes__ No__
2) Keep your wife in England Yes__ No__
3) Lose 30 pounds Yes__ No__
4) Leave any titles at the border Yes__ No__
5) Not purchase any Canadian media outlets Yes__ No__
6) Learn one or both of Canada’s official languages at a
level comprehensible to ordinary Canadians Yes__ No__

The application must be accompanied by a petition signed by at least two resident Canadian citizens who agree to the requested reinstatement, one of whom must be a former Prime Minister who has served between 1993 and 2003.

Take notice that your application will be processed within 180 days. If your application is refused, you have the right to appeal that refusal to the Canadian Reinstatement of Citizenship Appeal Board who will hear your case when the skating rink in Hades is opened.

__________________
(applicant signs)

Say It Ain't So, Steve

These recently leaked memos from Health Canada officials in charge of the medical marijuana program may explain some of the recent spending cuts implemented by the Conservatives:

June 14, 2001

TO: Dr. David Turnbull
Chief Medical Officer
MUM (Medical Use of Marijuana)

FROM: Fred Starland
Assistant Deputy Minister
MUM

Congratulations to you and your staff for all the work you have done to make this program a reality. With today’s passage of the Marijuana Medical Access Regulations, I’m sure we will soon achieve great success in our upcoming research on the medical use of marijuana.

July 23, 2003

TO: All Staff, MUM

FROM: Dr. Dave Turnbull
Chief Medical Officer, MUM

I’d like to congratulate everyone on a job well done in implementing the new regulations. Some people have criticized us for taking (an inordinate?) (an excessive?) a long time to get the job done. I’m not sure what they mean by a long time. After all, what is time but a relative marker on the road to accomplishment? In any event, hang in there gang and let’s get working. By the way, due to the unexpected (diminution?) (diminishment?) drop in the cookie and muffin supply, everyone is required to chip in to the new Snack Replenishment Fund.

August 3, 2005

TO: Dave "Doobie" Turnbull

FROM: The Reefer Man

Wassup Doobie? Did you try that new shipment from Manitoba yet? Wow! All I can say is "Far out, man!" Who’d a thunk that they could grow weed like that in an abandoned mine? I dunno about you but that’s some badass dope. Even if you don’t have glaucoma or aren’t taking chemotherapy, this stuff has got to make you feel a whole lot better.

September 25, 2006

TO: Dr. David Turnbull
Chief Medical Officer, MUM

FROM: Fred Starland
Assistant Deputy Minister, MUM

It is with deep regret that I must inform you and your staff that the government has decided to cut further funding for our research into the medical use of marijuana. I take great pride in acknowledging the fine work that all of you have done including the three employees who I believe are due for early parole in October. Please be assured that we will make every effort to find suitable positions for all of you elsewhere in the public service.

September 28, 2006

TO: All Staff

FROM: Dave

Hey, dudes and dudettes. My bad. Like I got this memo from the big guy a while ago but I forgot where I put it. And like this morning I was doing some extra "testing" in the lab and I looked down on the counter and there it was. And then I read it again and I remembered what it said, sort of. Something about cuts, man. Cuts can’t be good, you dig? But like we keep coming in every day and nobody says go home, right? So maybe I’ll just pretend I never got this memo. Or maybe we can organize a protest or something. Heh-heh. Just kidding. But let’s not sweat it too much, man. The Reefer Man says there’s going to be an election soon and, if we’re lucky, we can get back to doing what we do best. Researching, right? Peace.

My Fair Domi

Rumors abound that former Toronto Maple Leafs bad boy Tie Domi and star Liberal Belinda Stronach are romantically involved. However, the following leaked transcript of a recent phone conversation between the two suggests that the rumors are baseless and that everything between the two is aboveboard and all business:

Tie: Hey, Belinda. Wassup?
Belinda: Tie, it’s great to hear from you in a professional, purely platonic way.
Tie: Yeah, whatever.
Belinda: No, look Tie, if we’re going to do this it has to be aboveboard. We don’t want to give people the wrong idea.
Tie: Whatever you say, babe.
Belinda: Now that’s what I’m talking about. People are going to get the wrong idea. Remember? You’re supposed to be my political consultant. OK?
Tie: Oh yeah. I can do that.
Belinda: So when I ask you "What do I have to do to win the Liberal leadership contest?", you say what?
Tie: Ah.....take the man into the boards?
Belinda: No, no, no. You advise me that I should tell Canadian voters that I am pleased to work with whoever is chosen leader and that I am just happy to do my part to rebuilt the Liberal Party of Canada. Now what if someone asks you what advice you’ve given me about switching parties?
Tie: That you shouldn’t do it? That you should dance with the one that brung you?
Belinda: Tie, Tie, Tie. You’re supposed to say that if you find that you are philosophically incompatible with a particular party’s platform that you should follow your conscience and seek out a position where you can do the most good.
Tie: Dammnit! I knew that one. You’re not going to punish me and make me go shopping again are you?
Belinda: Not right now. We don’t have time. Look, maybe we should make things a little easier and play off your strengths. Like when they ask you how you see my career unfolding, you could use some hockey terminology.
Tie: OK, I think I’ve got it now. Belinda didn’t join the Liberal Party to become an enforcer so it’s not fair that she should be penalized so often. She’s a great stickhandler and she’s got some great moves. So if the Liberals are smart, they’ll put her on the front line. Give her a couple of good wingers and she can really score.
Belinda: By God, I think he’s got it!
Tie: Thanks, doll. Gotta go. TSN says it’s going to take awhile to do my makeup. (click)
Belinda: Sigh. Oh well, we obviously still have some work to do. (click)

Next Desk, Please

This is another excerpt from my book "My Friend W" published by Arriviste Press and available at selected Chapters stores and on-line through Chapters and Amazon. This piece originally appeared on the Op-Ed page of The New York Times:

THE NEW YORK TIMES - May 23, 2002
"Next Desk, Please"
By DAVID MARTIN

OTTAWA — President Bush has come under critical fire because he supposedly received a warning of possible Al Qaeda attacks last August. The White House is deflecting the criticism as best it can, but the president is still feeling the heat. I think I can help. As a 20-year veteran of government bureaucracy, I suggest the following tried and true approaches, sure to work as well in Washington as they do in Ottawa:

1. Check your calendar. Sometimes you find that you were away from the office or on vacation when the problem arose. No one can fault you if you weren't there.

2. Point to your predecessor. This works especially well if you've only had your job for a short while. Check old memos and see if the last guy already ignored the same problem.

3. Find your own exculpatory memo. You know, the one that might say something like "In response to your memo, I recommend strong immediate action." If you can't find one anywhere, write it now!

4. Blame somebody else. If there's a subordinate (a general manager, say, or a vice president) who does all the real work, get him to take the fall.

5. Describe yourself as a big picture kind of guy. Explain that you're not a detail person. You can't be expected to read everything in lengthy two- or three-page memos, especially the stuff at the end.

6. Think outside the box. For example, might this have first come up the day the server was down?

7. Deny receipt. Unless your initials are on the memo, it's pretty hard to prove it ever made it to your desk.

8. When all else fails, rely on that old chestnut: "Hindsight is 20-20." It may be just a simple tautology, but it always seems to work.

See You In Syria

Apparently the slipups in the Maher Arar case weren’t the only errors made by the RCMP. Check out these excerpts from some recently leaked Mountie files:

Drumheller, Alberta - December 15, 2003

Suspect A.H. was driving well below the posted speed limit. When pulled over, suspect claimed he had forty frozen turkeys in his trunk and was concerned that his car was overloaded. A.H. taken to Drumheller station where he was booked and held on suspicion of unlicensed sale of poultry. Suspect subsequently transferred to Syria for further interrogation.

Churchill, Manitoba - May 2, 2002

Suspect M.J. was spotted discarding an empty Tim Horton’s coffee cup on the sidewalk. When approached by the officer, he claimed everyone disposed of their coffee cups this way and questioned if he was being singled out because of his ethnicity. Suspect taken to regional detention centre and booked on suspicion of littering. Suspect subsequently transferred to Syria for further interrogation.

Dartmouth, Nova Scotia - August 23, 2004

Suspect S.F. was spotted playing basketball after midnight at a local schoolyard. When questioned about this, suspect invoked his Charter right to play basketball anywhere at any time. Mr. F. booked on suspicion of loitering and taken to local jail. Suspect subsequently transferred to Syria for further interrogation.

New Westminister, British Columbia - February 11, 2005

Suspect L.C. stopped by officer for panhandling at corner of 10th Avenue and 32nd Street. Suspect became belligerent and repeatedly asserted his right to ask strangers for money. Mr. C. taken into custody and spent the night at the New Westminister lockup. Suspect subsequently transferred to Syria for further interrogation.

Ottawa, Ontario - July 14, 2006

Suspect F.D. interviewed by RCMP regarding contract obtained from Canada’s New Government despite his previous political ties. Mr. D. taken into custody and questioned about possible conflict of interest. Held temporarily and then released on his own recognizance. Suspect subsequently appointed Canada’s Integrity Commissioner.

New National Mottoes

When it comes to national mottos, it’s time for a change. Some are old. Some are boring. And some are even in Latin. Let’s start fresh with new ones:

Afghanistan: Rocks ‘R Us
Algeria: Sand ‘R Us
Andorra: Where ‘R Us?
Argentina: Please cry for us
Australia: Oz rules!
Austria: We’re not saying Hitler was right......
Belgium: Pardon our Flems
Brazil: Life’s a beach and then you die
Canada: Sorry, eh?
Chile: The anorexic state
China: We deliver
Cuba: Give us a break; he’s almost dead
Cyprus: We’re Greekish
Czech Republic: No more Slovaks
France: Surrender with honor
Germany: We knew nothing
Greece: It’s all Greek to us, too
Iceland: Can you spell Reykjavik?
India: Who’s counting?
Iraq: Arabs ‘R Us
Ireland: Catholics ‘R Us
Israel: Jews ‘R Us
Italy: We’re on your side
Jamaica: We always inhale
Japan: We’re not that sorry
Jordan: We’re not Palestine
Korea (North): We’re the bad Korea
Korea (South): We’re the good Korea
Kuwait: Southeast Iraq
Libya: Home of Qadhafi Duck
Luxembourg: You can’t get here from there
Mexico: Seriously, don’t dink the water
Netherlands: Dikes ‘ R Us
New Zealand: Where the hell’s Zealand?
Norway: Fjord you!
Pakistan: We’re everyone’s ally
Panama: A man, a plan, a canal, Panama
Poland: The original Polish joke
Portugal: Spain’s canker sore
Russia: We coulda been a contender
Saudi Arabia: Mind your own business
Sweden: Cradle to grave
Syria: Just grave
Togo: We’re not Tonga
Tonga: We’re not Togo
Trinidad and Tobago: We’re neither Tonga nor Togo
Turkey: Asia Minor my ass!
United Kingdom: Royal Disneyland
United States: You’re either with us or against us
Vietnam: We’re against you

George W. Bush, Wikipedian

Because of vandalism, editing of the Wikipedia entry for George W. Bush by anonymous or newly registered users has been disabled. Rumor has it that President Bush has been a registered user for some time now which may explain the current version of his entry on the on-line, open source encyclopedia:

GEORGE WALKER BUSH, born July 6, 1946, is the 43rd and current President of the United States, inaugurated on January 20, 2001 (In your face, Al Gore!). He was reelected in 2004 (Take that, John Kerry) and is currently serving his second and final term. (He could easily win a third term except for that 22nd Amendment business.) A Republican, he belongs to one of the most politically influential American families, being the son of former President George H. W. Bush (who only served one term) and elder brother of Jeb Bush, the present Governor of Florida (who has never, ever been President).

Early Life

Born in New Haven, Connecticut, Bush moved to Texas when he was two years old. (That means I’m 98 per cent Texan. I’m not an Easterner. Heck, I can’t even find Connecticut on a map.) Bush attended Yale University. (That was all my parents’ idea. If it had been up to me, I would have gone to the University of Texas. Go Longhorns!) Bush earned an MBA at Harvard and then was an unsuccessful entrepreneur in the oil industry. (Unsuccessful? That’s not fair. You drill a hole and if you’re lucky you strike oil. I might have been unlucky but I sure as hell wasn’t unsuccessful.) Bush went on to purchase a share in the Texas Rangers and eventually netted a $15 million profit from his $800,000 investment. (See? I told you I was a successful ontrapanewer.)

Political Career

After serving as Governor of Texas, George W. Bush ran for the presidential nomination of the Republican Party. In a hotly contested election in 2000, he defeated the Democratic candidate Al Gore after the Supreme Court decided against a recount in Florida. (Thank you Bill Rehnquist and a big shout out to Tony Scalia, too.) In his first term, Bush instituted massive tax cuts for the rich (hey, you have to be paying taxes to get a tax cut), restricted research funding for embryonic stem cells (whoa, whoa, wait a minute; I allowed funding for 21 lines) and invaded Iraq on the basis that there were weapons of mass destruction that were never found (hey, we all thought they were there and anyway, we had to start spreading democracy somewhere, right?) Despite a lacklustre performance and an ongoing war, Bush was able to win reelection in 2004 by defeating John Kerry. (You gotta hand it to old Turd Blossom, don’t you? I mean if Karl hadn’t come up with that Swift Boat stuff, I’d be back on my ranch in Crawford cutting brush and clipping coupons.)

Historical Standing

George W. Bush has been the subject of extensive criticism and his recent approval ratings have been some of the lowest in history. (Oh, boo hoo. Who cares? My friends got their tax cuts. The drug companies got a great deal on that prescription drug plan. And Dick Cheney says things at Halliburton have never been better.) The remaining years of his presidency will likely be assessed on the basis of his foreign policy decisions. (Damn straight! Watch out Iran; here comes the bomb.)

O Canadarm

A Short History of Canada’s Most Famous Citizen: The Canadarm

1981
The Canadarm debuts as the universe’s most famous arm when it makes its inaugural flight on the space shuttle Columbia.

2001
The bigger, better, longer Canadarm2 is installed on the International Space Station.

2006
Twin Canadarms on the Space Station are the undisputed stars of NASA’s space program, at least according to most Canadians.

2007
Canadarm sent to Afghanistan. After surviving Taliban firefight, reaches over Pakistani border and grabs Osama bin Laden. Becomes first foreign robotic device to be awarded the U. S. Presidential Medal of Freedom.

2008
Prime Minister Harper appoints one of the twin Canadarms to Cabinet as Minister of Robotics.

2009
Canadarm stars in its first feature-length Canadian film. Wins Genies for best special effects and best supporting actor.

2010
Canadarm saves Vancouver Winter Olympics by serving as emergency ski lift when over-budget Games fail to come up with necessary facilities. Honored by being chosen the flag bearer for closing ceremonies.

2011
Three Canadarms singlehandedly complete construction of the Space Station.

2012
The original Canadarm is inducted into the Order of Canada. Attends gala ceremony at Government House and pins medal on self.

2013
Canada’s flag changed from red maple leaf to red Canadarm to honor country’s most famous citizen.

2014
Fleet of Canadarms triples Canada’s softwood lumber production. U. S. accepts increase in cheap lumber imports rather than risk invasion by country’s new Canadarmed Forces.

2015
The original Canadarm runs for leadership of the Liberal Party but then selflessly withdraws to head up Royal Commission on Robotic Technology.

2016
Canadian pride reaches new zenith as team of Canadarms wins World Jai-Alai Championships.

2017
Governor General opens first Canadarm University where young robots can study to become full-fledged Canadarms.

2018
First Canadarm apointed to the Senate.

2019
Canadarm-equipped goaltender helps Leafs win first Stanley Cup since 1967. Robotic goalie signed to 15-year contract for $67 million.

2020
Canadarm robot army invades U. S. and annexes New England. All softwood lumber tariffs and restrictions repealed.

2021
Canada defeated by army of nuclear-powered, butt-kicking Amerilegs thereby ending era of Canadarm supremacy.

2022
Canadarms relegated to positions as coffee servers at Tim Hortons drive-thru windows. Canadians look for new national hero.

Plessy and Ferguson

The latest edition of CBS’s reality show "Survivor" will pit four racially segregated teams against one another: the Caucasians, the African-Americans, the Hispanics and the Asian-Americans. Some critics have decried the new show as an exercise in racism. But if it’s a ratings hit, look for the early release of these other racially-segregated TV offerings currently in production:

Plessy and Ferguson
This updated version of "The Odd Couple" features oddball roommates Oscar Plessy and Felix Ferguson. Oscar’s a white slob whereas Felix is a black neat freak. Since Oscar owns the house, Jim has to play by his rules. Hilarity ensues when Oscar gets annoyed at Felix’s attempts to change those rules. In the pilot episode, Oscar enforces his new "separate but equal" doctrine and forces Felix to only use the bathroom in the basement.

Everybody Hates Daniel Lopez Jefferson Chan
Everybody’s least favorite mixed race child tries each week to find a new home with one of his relatives. Danny’s dad, Michael Chan, the product of a Caucasian-Asian coupling and his Afro-Hispanic mom, Rosita Jefferson, are divorced and neither wants to raise their multiracial son. Things go from bad to worse as each week Danny inadvertently manages to alienate another of his racially pure grandparents.

Who Klux Klan?
Quizmaster David Duke hosts this season’s newest quiz show featuring two white contestants trying to guess which one of three hooded, white-sheeted panellists is not Caucasian. By asking racially sensitive questions and taunting the panellists with racial epithets, contestants try to "out" the non-white and thereby qualify to compete in the Lightning Lynching Round.

The New NBA
One lucky network will win the rights to televise a completely restricted National Basketball Association. Four racially-divided, six-team divisions will allow roundball fans to cheer on their favorite race-based team. Look for a highly competitive brand of intra-divisional basketball, at least until the playoffs start.

The New NHL
The four-division concept may have to be tweaked a bit when it comes to professional hockey. Current plans call for 23 teams of white players and one team comprising blacks, Asians and Latinos. To achieve more racial balance, the NHL may be asked to merge with the NFL, Major League Baseball or the downtown core of any major North American city.

Camp Treblinka
"Hogan’s Heros" meets "Animal House" in this hilarious new sitcom set in an inner city summer camp for kids. Viewers will enjoy New York City’s downtown interracial high jinks as Caucasians, African-Americans, Asians and Latinos battle it out to see who wins the right to beat up the Jews.

Duh!

In a recent news conference, George W. Bush shocked everyone by admitting that the CIA has been operating secret prisons around the world. In a hurry to report this unbelievable news, most reporters rushed off and missed some additional surprising revelations from the President. However, a few seldom reliable sources did stay behind to report on Mr. Bush’s further shocking pronouncements.

"Yes, that’s right," said the President. "I think it’s time to reveal some other unexpected developments."

When asked to elaborate, Mr. Bush responded by stating: "For instance, hard as it may be to believe, it turns out there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq."

The handful of anonymous reporters were just recovering from that bombshell when the President went on to reveal that there was no connection between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda.

"I know, I know," said Mr. Bush. "I was as flabbergasted as you. Who would have thought that a secular Sunni despot and a religious Shiite fanatic weren’t in cahoots?"

Before that bit of news could sink in, the remaining press corps was hit with another incredible revelation.

"We had no plan for Iraq," said the President. "I know that’s hard to believe but we didn’t. I think there was a plan at one time but apparently when Cheney passed it to Rumsfeld, Rummy misplaced it. At least that’s what Dick tells me."

No sooner had the remaining media digested that shocker than the President revealed the following stunner:

"Those tax cuts?" said Mr. Bush. "They primarily benefited rich folks. Honestly, I don’t know how that happened but it did. All I can say is ‘My bad’."

The handful of television and newspaper reporters left were still reeling from that piece of news when the President continued.

"I’ve just got one more thing to say," said Mr. Bush. "This one really dumbfounded me. It turns out that Dick Cheney’s been running the show all along. I thought I was but Dick now tells me I wasn’t at all."

It’s difficult to know if the nation can recover from this unforeseen series of astonishing revelations. No one knows who or what to believe anymore.

"I’m not saying that there’s no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy," said President Bush. "But after today’s developments, in all honesty, I can no longer definitely say that there is either."

Canada's Anything But Liberal Government

Like the rebranding of Coca-Cola as New Coke, the Harper government is instructing some public servants to use the term "Canada's New Government" instead of the traditional "Government of Canada."
- The Ottawa Citizen - Sept. 6. 2006

A barely reliable anonymous source has leaked the following transcript of a conversation overheard last January in the offices of Right of Centre Communications Inc.:

"Well, it looks like the Conservatives are going to win and Steve has asked us to come up with a slogan for the government. Any thoughts?"

"Yes, we anticipated this result and we’ve been working on a few possibilities. Andrea, what did you come up with?"

"Our first thought was, hey, these guys are winning the election with a great communications strategy. They’ve got five points and they keep hammering them over and over again. So, how about ‘Canada’s Five-point Government’?"

"That’s OK but I’m not sure Steve is going to want to keep reminding Canadians about what he promised to do. And what if he ever comes up with a sixth point? Harry?"

"Well, we also thought about the makeup of the new government. Steve is from Alberta and Alberta wants in. So we figured why not call it ‘Alberta’s Canadian Government.’"

"Not bad but what about Quebec?"

"We could always translate it into French: Le gouvernment canadien d’Alberta."

"Nice but remember, Steve doesn’t win round two unless Quebec is front and centre."

"Le gouvernment canadien de Quebec?"

"Look, we’re playing with fire here. What have you got Ted?"

"Considering Steve’s political philosophy, I thought we might go with ‘Canada’s American Government’ or maybe even ‘Canada’s One-man Government’. You know, a kind of straight-shooting, truth-in-advertising kind of slogan."

"I appreciate your candor Ted, but neither of those is really going to fly. What if Steve OKs some giveaway softwood lumber agreement or agrees to send more troops to Afghanistan? No need to remind folks where his policies are coming from. Harry, any thoughts?"

"Yes, I think we can all agree that Steve is looking to reduce the involvement of the federal government and to solve the fiscal imbalance. That’s why I like ‘Canada’s Less-is-more Government.’ It says ‘neo-conservative’ with actually using the ‘N’ word."

"No, no, we’ve got to stay away from anything pointing to the Conservatives’ actual agenda. Remember, this is marketing. Keep it simple, vague and imprecise. Andrea, any more proposals?"

"Sure. We’ve got a bunch of ideas here. How about ‘Canada’s Silent Government’? Or ‘Canada’s Right Government’? Or ‘Not A Liberal Government’? "

"All good suggestions but I think we’re missing the point here. What do we do for our other clients when they’ve got a new product? ‘The car of the future’, ‘the latest in technology’, ‘new and improved’."

"That’s it! I’ve got it! Canada’s New Government!"

"Ted, you’re a genius. It’s short, it’s sweet and it promises lots without meaning anything at all. Andrea?"

"Canada’s New Government. I like it."

"OK, we’re done. But don’t forget that contract that just came in. We need a new slogan for Alberta."

"‘The Firewall Province’?"

‘’The One-party Province’?"

"‘The Fifty-first State’?"

"That’s a good start. Keep on working people and we’ll meet back here next week and do this again."

Revised School Supply List

With continuing budgetary cutbacks and ongoing salary restrictions in most school districts, don’t be surprised if your child’s recommended school supply list this year looks something like this:

WARREN G. HARDING ELEMENTARY

School Supply List Ms. Lawrence’s Grade Six Class Revised version (Sept./06)

* $4 donation on the first day of school with your child
* Six different lined notebooks (no spiral notebooks, please!)
* A school bag / backpack
* A pencil case
* One packet of ground coffee (no decaf, please)
* Small cone coffee filters
* A geometry set
* A pair of scissors
* Ink cartridge (Epson 400 or generic equivalent, B&W or color is fine)
* Cell phone card (any denomination)
* One package of sharpened colored pencils
* $5 donation on the second day of school
* A 30 cm. ruler
* Valium or any member of the diazepam family
* Glue sticks
* Two blue or colored pens
* Acetaminophen
* Tums and/or Rolaids
* A $6 donation on the third day of school
* Loose-leaf, three hole-punched, lined paper as needed
* Godiva chocolates (semi-sweet acceptable; dark preferred)
* Ear plugs
* Sleep mask
* Water bottle with flip top
* Airline-sized liquor bottles for arts and crafts (full, if possible)
* HB pencils
* Restaurant gift certificate (for future field trips)
* White erasers
* A $7 donation on the fourth day of school (optional for parents not interested in As or Bs)
* Those really tasty little cookies with almond slices on top that you can only get at the expensive food shops in the mall
* Anything from Bonwit Teller (size 8 for dresses; 6 for shoes but don’t, I repeat, don’t send in any more black pumps)
* Earrings are nice (however, please respect our school’s allergy policy - i.e. - gold or gold-plated only)
* An $8 donation on the fifth day of school (for parents of potential college-bound students only)

Let's Lead With Couric

Seldom reliable anonymous sources revealed the following overheard conversation in the CBS newsroom:

"OK, that wasn’t bad but we may have to rethink tonight’s lead."

"Yeah, you’re right. We finished fourth behind ABC, NBC and FOX. What happened?"

"Well, they went with Katie as their number one story. Everyone tuned in to get the news on our new anchor."

"Why didn’t we think of that? We had Couric right here. What would have been better than to have Katie lead with her own appointment? Katie?"

"I dunno, guys. I’d feel a bit uncomfortable reporting on my own position, especially as the lead."

"Fair enough. How about we put it as tomorrow night’s third story? That’s far enough down so we don’t look too self-centered but at the same time we give it some importance."

"No, no. Let’s put it as the human interest piece at the end of the newscast. What do you think, Katie?"

"I’m still not great with that. Maybe I could throw the story to Bob Shieffer and he could report on how happy he’s been to turn over the reins to me."

"Not a bad idea. But I’m not sure Bob is all that thrilled with passing the chair to you. How about we get Meredith Vieira to do the bit?"

"You mean ‘news item’, right?"

"Sure, sure, Katie. Whatever you say. We’ll get Meredith Vieira to do the news item."

"I like that but Meredith’s going to be with ‘The Today Show’ starting next week."

"That’s a news show, isn’t it?"

"Well, yeah, I guess you could say that."

"OK, let’s call Meredith and see if she’ll do the Katie item for tomorrow night’s broadcast."

"So, what else do we have for tomorrow?"

"Well, there’s Charlie Gibson’s anchor position at ABC being made permanent and NBC’s decision to go long term with Brian Williams and FOX’s search for a new big name to replace White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. And, oh yeah, more deaths in Iraq."

"OK, so we’re good to go for tomorrow night?"

"Yup, and let’s not forget our daily 9/11 tribute. Katie?"

"Sounds good to me. Thanks guys. You know, you were right. This is not much different from ‘The Today Show.’ Except there’s no window. Do you think maybe we could get a window?"

Washington's P. S. 1600

September means it’s back to school for millions of students including those enrolled in Washington’s P. S. 1600 located on Pennsylvania Avenue. Those entering their sixth year of schooling can look forward to the following classes:

World History

For first time students, this course will serve as a helpful introduction to the history of different interesting areas of the world. This year, special attention will be given to Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq to illustrate how regional wars can be avoided. The midterm test will include essay questions on Iran and the Middle East. Students who fail to complete this course will be condemned to repeat it.

Mathematics

This year students will study elementary finance and budgeting. They’ll explore the concepts of surpluses and deficits and discover how the former can quickly lead to the latter through the creative use of tax cuts, excess military spending and untendered contracts. Students will learn the magic of negative numbers as in 300 billion minus 800 billion equals minus 500 billion.

Health and Science

Students will explore the basics of life including the utility of embryonic stem cell research on samples that would otherwise be discarded. The Health section of the course will center on individual hygiene and how to obtain basic medical coverage. Examples include Medicare, Medicaid and membership in one of the three branches of the federal government.

English

Grammatical structure will be the centerpiece of this year’s course. Special emphasis will be placed on clear communication and avoidance of vague and misleading phrases (e.g. - the war on terror, compassionate conservatism, weapons of mass destruction). Students who want to get a head start on this year’s reading list can begin with "The Stranger" by Albert Camus. Advanced students may wish to try "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller or "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad.

Philosophy

Course not offered 2001-2009.

Phys. Ed.

This course offers an introduction to various Washington-based physical education pursuits including everything from jogging to brush clearing. If time permits, the syllabus will also include recreational cycling. However, given security concerns, some students may have to pursue their studies on a stationary bicycle where they will exert the same amount of energy without actually experiencing any forward progress.

Political Marketing

This is a course offered to those students looking towards an eventual career in the political arts. Under the tutelage of one of P. S. 1600's favorite teachers, Mr. Rove, students will learn the skills needed to demonize any political opponent. The course employs the case study method including "John McCain’s illegitimate child" and "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth."

Who Did John Mark Karr Kill?

With the announcement from the Boulder County District Attorney’s office that John Mark Karr will not be charged with the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, it was assumed that this latest chapter of the ten-year old tragedy would be closed. But Mr. Karr has apparently refused to go quietly.

"OK," said Mr. Karr. "Maybe I didn’t murder the kid. I tend to get names mixed up. In actual fact, I killed Jon Bon Jovi."

"You can see how I could easily confuse those two names," said the diminutive Karr. "JonBenet, Jon Bon....they’re pretty close, you have to admit."

"Yeah, it was Jon Bon Jovi that I murdered," said Karr. "I’ve always loved him. It was an accident. I didn’t mean to do it."

When confronted with the fact that Jon Bon Jovi is still alive, Mr. Karr initially stuck to his story. But after repeated questioning, he conceded that he may have been premature with his latest murder confession.

"No, it wasn’t Jon Bon Jovi," said the pint-sized prevaricator. "Yes, it’s true. He’s still alive. And I didn’t love him. Truth be told, I never really cared for his music either. I find it a tad derivative."

On the verge of being released, John Mark Karr quickly confessed again, this time to the murder of Stephen Vincent Benét. According to Mr. Karr, he and the noted American poet had been lovers and he killed Mr.Benét in a lovers’ quarrel.

"He was always going on about his novels and his poems and his two goddam Pulitzer prizes," said Mr. Karr. "I just couldn’t take it any more. So I killed him."

When informed that Mr. Benét died in 1943, some 21 years prior to John Mark Karr’s birth, Mr. Karr initially suggested that he may have murdered him in a prior life. Eventually, however, he recanted.

"It was Ramsey Clark," said Mr. Karr. "Yeah, that’s who I killed. Ramsey Clark, LBJ’s Attorney General. He’s still alive? No, no, I meant Eric Benét, the singer. No wait, he’s alive, too, isn’t he? Wait, wait, I’ve got it. It was King Ramses I or was it Ramses II? Whoever it was, I loved them very much and it was an accident."

The Boulder County District Attorney’s office has reportedly relented and finally charged John Mark Karr with murder.

"We had to," said Boulder’s district attorney Mary Lacy. "It was the only way we could shut him up."

Mr. Karr is expected to be tried in the court of public opinion and serve a maximum sentence of approximately twenty minutes of fame.

This is an excerpt from my book "My Friend W" published by Arriviste Press and available at Chapters stores and on-line through Chapters and Amazon:


Dear Mom and Dad,

Well, summer vacation is over and I’m back at school in Washington. Everyone said third year would be hard and boy, they weren’t kidding.

I’ve got a really heavy load this semester including courses in Deficit Spending and International Relations. I sure wish now that I’d paid more attention to things like math and geography when I was in high school.

Mom, could you send me a care package? It’s really hard to get good ribs and pork rinds here. And I sure would love some nice homemade chili.

Dad, I’ve got myself in a bit of trouble. It’s not drugs or alcohol like in high school. And it’s not a girl or anything like that.

You remember my friends Dick, Donny and Paul? I think Dick and Donny used to work for you a long time ago.

Anyway, Dick, Donny and Paul kind of tricked me into taking this road trip to the Middle East. I know. I know. You told me a million times to stay out of there.

But they made it sound so fun and exciting. And they said they could show me how to avoid all the mistakes you made when you went there in 1991.

Boy, I sure wish I hadn’t listened to those guys now. They told me there were weapons of mass destruction and terrorist links and all kinds of crazy things. Well, you guessed it; there weren’t.
But worst of all, they told me that everyone would be happy to see us and that it would be easy to get out. So far, it’s anything but.

In fact, that’s why I’m writing. It looks like the costs for that road trip are going to be a little more than I thought. Plus, of course, there are all the expenses for tuition, textbooks and room and board.

Anyway, when you add it all up it comes to $87 billion. Yes, Dad, I know. I already got $65 billion last spring and you’re probably saying to yourself: "Where did that all go?"

To be honest, Dad, I’m not really sure. Some of it went to the road trip and some went for a new home security system for the dorm. And there was a big party here the other night and I think I may have given out a lot of tax cuts. I just don’t remember.

I know you’re probably angry and disappointed. But I promise that if you send me the money this one last time, I won’t ever ask again. And I’ll stop telling everyone you screwed up in 1991. Now I know better.

Your loving son,

"W"

Good Times, Bad Times

New to me but apparently familiar to many local readers is a daily newspaper called "The New York Times." Sadly, this busy broadsheet fails to meet even minimal journalistic standards.

First, the front page is, in a word, boring. From its baroque masthead to its six-column overindulgence in the printed word, "The Times" (as it apparently is colloquially known) simply appears not to be trying.

If it were only its front page that was deficient, perhaps I could give this paper a passing grade. Unfortunately, the front page sets the tone for what’s inside.

A quick perusal of the sports section, for example, leaves one wondering why they bothered at all. Where there should be a plethora of exciting color pictures of the games of the day, there is instead an ongoing parade of needlessly lengthy reports interspersed with something called analysis.

I’ve never been sure why newspapers devote space to political columnists, op-eds and editorials. But if a paper insists on foisting such features on its readers, the least it can do is make them interesting.

A grave oversight is the lack of a point-counterpoint opinion feature. Although "The Times" doesn’t stint on the number of columnists (another failing, I submit), how is the reader to know the columnists’ political leanings unless they are arrayed against one another in the traditional pro-con format?

A review of the rest of the paper suggests that its pretentious masthead slogan might better read "All the news that fits we print." Report after endless report about all manner of inconsequential happenings sadly evidences the lack of a practised editorial hand. Far fewer so-called news reports and more snappy lifestyle features and color graphics would greatly enhance this stodgy daily.

Another shortcoming of this colorless journal is its relentless New York-centered coverage of the news. Yes, it’s "The New York Times" but it’s not necessary to hammer the reader over the head with that fact. From a Broadway-dominated Arts section to a Wall Street-centric Business section to a New York-jammed section called "New York/Region", it’s as if the world beyond Manhattan Island doesn’t exist. Such a provincial approach to the news is certain to doom this paper to a regional audience at best.

To ensure a fair and balanced approach to my review, I decided not to base it solely on one daily edition. In the spirit of good journalism, I reserved judgment until I had viewed a sample Sunday edition.

Although Sunday editions tend to be bigger than their weekday counterparts, "The New York Times" far exceeds any reasonable limit. The issue I purchased was over two inches thick and weighed in at a wrist-spraining three pounds. It made most magazines look anorexic by comparison and, in fact, even contained within its endless folds its own magazine.

Not only did the Sunday paper feature all the excesses of its weekday cousin, it also contained entire bloated sections devoted to everything from books to cars to fashion. Each of those sections kept to the paper’s apparent formula of "more is less" in what is surely the world’s most egregious misuse of newsprint. All I can say is that if you need a functional doorstop, your four dollars would be better spent on a decorative brick than this poor excuse for arboricide.

I am sad to report that, as a daily newspaper, "The New York Times" is an outright failure. I suspect its owners will find it difficult to achieve six-figure circulation numbers even in a city as big as New York. Don’t be surprised if they pull the plug on this stillborn gazette sooner rather than later.

Next week, I’ll review what appears to be a more promising newspaper from the Big Apple - a terrific, tightly-edited tabloid called "The New York Post."

Tie One Off

Following the lead of Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi, Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty is asking male government office workers to take off their ties as part of the province’s attempts to conserve energy. Apparently tie-less workers will be better able to tolerate the warmer workplaces created by Mr. McGuinty’s other recent energy-saving prescription: turning up the central air thermostats.

But unlike Prime Minister Koizumi, Dalton McGuinty reportedly has other plans in the works to dampen energy use by Ontario’s hydro-addicted civil servants. If a warmer, tie-less workplace doesn’t do the trick, look for these future McGuintyisms:

Spend the Night at Work Days

Rather than head home after work on really hot days, Ontario’s government workers will be asked to spend the night in their semi-air conditioned offices and to invite their families to come along, too. Apparently the idea is to save on air conditioner use at home. "We’ve already got to cool these darned government buildings anyway," said Mr. McGuinty. "No point in cooling everybody’s homes, too." For those couples without kids, the premier suggests using one’s tie on the outside door knob where appropriate. As the premier says: "If the nameplate’s rockin’, don’t come knockin’."

Surf Days

According to some collective agreements, when the temperature in a government building exceeds a certain limit, the workers are allowed to go home. Apparently this provision may soon be shelved if Premier McGuinty’s next suggestion comes into force: "surf days.". When the temperature hits thirty degrees Celsius or the humidex tops forty, government offices will be officially designated provincial beaches. That means everyone comes to work in the bathing suit of their choice. Don’t forget your flip flops and your flourescent sunscreen and try not to get sand on the photocopier.

Clothing-Optional Days

For those workplaces without air conditioning at all, Mr. McGuinty is looking to implement special clothing-optional days when the mercury rises above thirty-five degrees. Civil servants will be encouraged to go ‘au naturel’ in order to help save the environment. Special cotton sheets will be provided for those with leather, leatherette or naugahyde seating. According to Premier McGuinty, if things get "too hot", specially-designated floor wardens will be authorized to hose down over-exuberant participants.

Frozen Treat Day

If Mr. McGuinty is to be believed, soon every Thursday in August will be "frozen treat day" in government offices throughout the province. "I know as a kid," said the energy-savvy premier. "That nothing cools you off better than a popsicle or an ice cream sandwich." Asked why he didn’t choose Friday as "frozen treat day", McGuinty said that there just wouldn’t be enough workers present to make the program financially feasible on that day, at least in the summer.

If Premier McGuinty’s summertime energy savers are successful, government workers can look forward to a whole new series of wintertime programs to help keep electricity use down. Offices will compete for prizes to see which one can keep their thermostat the lowest for the longest. Every payday will be "park it and parka day" when workers will be required to leave their cars at home and walk to work if they want to get paid. And last, but certainly not least, male workers will be encouraged to start wearing ties again, down-filled ties.

Contract Killers

"A grammatical blunder may force Rogers Communications Inc. to pay an extra $2.13-million to use utility poles in the Maritimes after the placement of a comma in a contract permitted the deal's cancellation."
- The Globe and Mail - August 7, 2006

Hard as it is to believe, telecommunications giant Rogers Communications Inc. left itself wide open with a contractual goof-up based on a misplaced comma. The provision in question provided that the agreement "shall continue in force for a period of five years from the date it is made, and thereafter for successive five years terms, unless and until terminated by one year prior notice in writing by either party."

Rogers thought it had at least a five-year term at the negotiated rate but the CRTC ruled that the agreement could be terminated at any time with one year prior notice. The other side exercised its option and more than doubled the rates payable by Rogers.

Rogers’ retail customers are perhaps the most surprised at this obvious oversight by the phone and cable conglomerate. When they review their contracts with the company, they can’t find any such flaws or openings.

For example, the standard cable contract provides that the customer "shall pay whatever fee Rogers decides to charge on a monthly basis until hell freezes over or a rate hike is approved by the CRTC, whichever comes first." The document goes on to state that "the lessee shall be entitled to customer service in the form of a toll-free number but access to a so-called ‘live person’ is not guaranteed. The company undertakes to provide an automated phone menu for the customer’s assistance and convenience 24 hours a day but otherwise is not responsible for any residential technical problems."

Rogers has a similarly worded agreement covering its residential high speed Internet service. For example, the standard boilerplate includes a provision that "the company cannot be responsible in any manner for a customer’s failure to connect to the Internet, access his or her e-mail messages or even get his or her modem connected. The company will provide a handy on-line help manual but how the customer is able to access that manual without an on-line connection is not the company’s concern."

Rogers also appears to have an airtight contract when it comes to wireless phone service. The standard retail customer agreement provides that "the customer will pay a monthly fee in addition to fees by the minute of phone usage determined by the company on an ‘ad hoc’ basis. If the customer’s monthly charges are at odds with any previously published rates, the charged rates will be deemed to have always been in effect. The customer is not entitled to any explanation as to the meaning of the phrase ‘roaming fees’ nor the random application of such charges. Service may be cancelled if and only if the customer gives notice in the prescribed form and in the prescribed manner which can be found at the company’s web site once the customer achieves on-line access."

Given the impermeability of its standard residential service contracts, Rogers has reportedly fired the law firm responsible for the misplaced comma snafu and delegated all future corporate and commercial contract drafting to its customer service department.

The Book Of Oprah

In the beginning, God created the earth and the firmament and all manner of entertainment media. And the viewers did verily enjoy the dramas and the quiz shows and the situation comedies with laugh tracks.

When God created television, He created the late night talk show and He made Steve Allen in His own image. And Allen begat Paar and Paar begat Carson and the people rejoiced.

And then He created morning talk shows, both network and syndicated, and made Barbara Walters from the rib of Hugh Downs. And Walters begat Pauley and Pauley begat Couric and again the people rejoiced.

And yet God was not pleased. Although the people were happy with the abundance of programming selections, there was a void in the mid to late afternoon time slot. And so God created Oprah.

She was born of Linkletter and Shore and Donahue but she was not of them. For hers was not just a time slot for idle chatter and light entertainment. She had been placed in the pre-supper hour demographic to lead the viewers to the Promised Land.

At first, Oprah was lost. She did not know the true path intended for her. Instead, she followed the ways of the morning pretenders.

Like the heathens Springer and Raphael and Povich, she invited harlots and Jezebels and all manner of sinners on to her show. She had adulterers and fornicators and even weight loss experts. And the people watched.

But Oprah was not happy. She knew that God had chosen her for greater things. So she prayed and asked Him for guidance. And God told her to abandon the weight loss cures and the theme shows and lead her viewers on the path of righteousness.

And so Oprah led her followers on a new journey. No longer did she entertain them with the stories of the fallen and the misfits or the siren songs of the diet gurus. Now she taught them to follow in the ways of Oprah. And the viewers rejoiced.

She found a personal trainer named Bob to teach the world how to become physically healthy. She found a psychologist from the land of Texas named Phil to show everyone how to achieve mental health. And she gave the world the first letter of her only begotten name to create a magazine to teach the viewers to read.

But it was not enough to be literate and to be mentally and physically healthy. So God created a mate for Oprah called Stedman. And Oprah showed her audience how to achieve emotional health.

And when she saw that she had achieved everything she wanted, Oprah taught the world how to share. She gave of her riches saying verily unto each of the poorest: "You get a car! You get a car! And you get a car!"

But the struggle was not over. Oprah still felt a void. She wanted everyone to be intellectually healthy, too. And so she resurrected her book club.

And authors from far and wide came to worship at her feet. And those who bowed before her were rewarded with royalties and untold riches and fame. Oprah saw that her viewers read the books that she chose and she was pleased.

But one named Franzen would not bow down and was banished to the local daytime talk show circuit for all eternity. And another of her chosen authors, a man named Frey, betrayed her. His story of redemption had touched her and she had bestowed her blessing upon him.

But the man’s memoir was not all true. It contained falsehoods and exaggerations and outright lies.

At first Oprah defended the one called Frey but once she asked the people and checked the ratings, she knew that she must smite him. And so he returned to her show and prostrated himself before her. And, yea though she was angry, Oprah did not smite him but only chastised him and granted him forgiveness.

And so it came to pass that Oprah became the viewers’ spiritual conscience. And where there once had been confusion and darkness, now there was the light of Oprah to show them the way.

Whether it was the devastation of famine or hurricane or war or the mystery of sofa-jumping celebrities, she guided the viewers and showed them how and where to care. The multitudes cried out and demanded that the prize of Nobel be bestowed upon Oprah. And God, the Supreme Ironist, smiled and changed the channel.

Neoconservatol

The use of performance-enhancing drugs has been an ongoing problem in many professional sports. San Francisco Giant slugger Barry Bonds is rumored to be on steroids and now Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has tested positive for excessive testosterone.

But drugs are not just a problem in the sports world. The political denizens of Washington, D. C. have reportedly also been abusing certain performance-enhancing pharmaceutical products to get an artificial advantage. Products like these:

Hubrisin
President Bush has been rumored to be taking large doses of the performance-enhancing drug hubrisin. Taken in small doses, hubrisin adds a barely-perceptible extra patina of self-confidence to any political actor. But taken to excess, it can result in profligate spending and irrational unilateral invasions. Signs of abuse include statements like "Wanted dead or alive", "Bring it on" and "Mission accomplished." Unlike anabolic steroids, hubrisin only builds ego, not muscle mass.

Conservatol
Suspected of having moved her political posture to the right, Hillary Clinton recently tested positive for the drug conservatol. Generally easy to detect, conservatol quickly produces non-liberal positions on everything from abortion to immigration. Side effects include repeated denials and a marked increase in sanctimony.

Neo-conservatol
Donald Rumsfeld is believed to be a longtime user of neo-conservatol, a powerful drug that produces great confidence but also results in narrowed international long range sight. The user’s peripheral vision becomes so clouded that such things as historical background and root causes become completely invisible. In Mr. Rumsfeld’s case, the drug appears to have particularly affected his middle eastern vision.

Phoenixon
This is a long-acting, time-released medication which is often used to artificially resuscitate a dead political career. As with other hallucinogenics, pheonixon was originally popular in the 60s with such users as Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. It is enjoying a resurgence of use in recent months with people like Al Gore, John Kerry and Joe Lieberman reputed to be frequent abusers.

Shotguntrinone
Shotguntrinone is a rare anabolic steroid reportedly favored by those such as Vice President Cheney who like to shoot first and ask questions later. Usually injected as a one per cent solution, shotguntrinone typically results in rapid aggressive use of arms both at home and abroad. Friends of users should give them a wide berth particularly when hunting for small game birds.

Inhuman Growth Hormone
Inhuman growth hormone or IGH is a powerful political drug that inhibits the growth of the human conscience. Long favored by political handlers and backroom operatives, it is reputed to be the drug of choice of Karl Rove. Signs of overuse include repeated ethical rationalizations and a marked preference for something called "swift boating."

Diplomamine
Diplomamine is an amphetamine-like drug used to stimulate those active in the diplomatic process. Thought to be used by Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, diplomamine gives a powerful rush of energy allowing the user to participate in ongoing rounds of urgent negotiations for weeks on end. Unfortunately, although the user feels as if she is saying and doing something meaningful, in reality she tends to simply repeat the same words and pattern over and over again.

Mel Baby

MEMO

TO: Mel Gibson
FROM: Izzie Cohen
Smith, Brown & Miller Public Relations Inc.

Mel baby,

Sorry to hear about the DUI arrest. Tough break, kid, but don’t worry. These things tend to blow over pretty quickly.

Of course, the big problem is your observations about those of the Jewish persuasion. That’s going to take a little more work.

Bob Miller passed your file to me and here’s a preliminary outline of what I have in mind for you.

First, stay away from the old "some of my friends are Jewish" schtick. That’s old hat and just doesn’t play well anymore. Hell, I’m Jewish and I can’t even claim that.

What I suggest instead is to check the family tree. Try to locate someone, anyone, who was Jewish and related to you. If you don’t know any Hebraic descendants, you could always ask your dad.

Failing that, you might want to take on a few Jew-friendly movie projects. How about a biopic about Ariel Sharon? Or maybe even a holocaust-themed musical? You know, a kind of "The Passion of the Christ" meets "Fiddler on the Roof."

If you really want to get on the Jews’ good side, I suggest you open your own restaurant. I’m picturing Mel’s Kosher Deli on Sunset Boulevard. Who can knock a goy who sells blintzes and knishes?

Which brings me to your language. How about spicing it up with a bit of Yiddish? Nothing fancy, mind you. But the occasional reference to toches, goyim and mashugga will help put you in tight with the Tribe.

One sure-fire approach to attaining Judenfreude is to show support for Israel. You don’t have to go too public on this one. Just send out Hanukkah cards this year telling the recipients that you planted a tree in Israel in their name. Trust me; word will get around.

If all else fails, you could always convert. I know it’s been done before (see Sammy Davis, Jr., Madonna, et al.) but it still can be very effective, especially if you go all the way (e.g. - peyos, kipot and a kosher kitchen). If you need the name of a good mohel in Malibu, let me know.

If you like my plan, gimme a call, Mel. I can have things up and running in a couple of days and, guaranteed, you’ll be back making movies before you can say "Oy vey!"

Your friend,

Izzie

P. S. - One small piece of advice, friend to friend: lay off telling jokes with a fake German accent for the time being.

Arrested Duck

LAPD officials reportedly locked up the deputy’s narrative describing Mel Gibson’s outbursts during his arrest for drunk driving. Nevertheless, the details leaked out. Apparently this is a common occurrence in L. A. as evidenced by this recently leaked narrative from an arrest last year of another well-known Hollywood star:

Suspect’s car was clocked at twice the legal limit before being pulled over. Approached car and asked suspect to get out. Suspect opened driver’s door and began shouting: "What the hell are you doing? Don’t you know who I am?"

Asked suspect to remain calm and produce identification. Had no identification on him. In fact, suspect was covered with feathers and had no clothes at all. When confronted with this observation, suspect became indignant and said: "Of course I’m wearing no clothes. I’m a duck, for crissakes!"

Asked suspect to identify himself and he replied: "I’m Daffy Duck, you jerk! Are you blind?"

Mr. Duck appeared to be inebriated. Directed him to blow into breathalyzer but he was unable to comply. Claimed his beak made it physically impossible to produce sample.

Asked Mr. Duck to perform standard sobriety tests. Could not touch each hand to his nose probably because he has neither hands nor nose as such. Instead got Mr. Duck to try walking in a straight line with one foot in front of the other. Suspect staggered wildly on first attempt and remarked belligerently: "Can’t you see? I’ve got webbed feet, you idiot! You try walking with a pair of flippers on! Swimming in a straight line; now that I can do."

Directed Mr. Duck into the back seat of patrol car. Suspect was uncooperative and physical force had to be employed. He objected vociferously stating: "You’re not a toon. You’re one of those freaking humans, aren’t you? Humans run this town. Those Warner brothers and that bastard Disney never gave a crap about us!"

Drove Mr. Duck to station house and prepared initial arrest report. Chose to forego handcuffs particularly since wings were difficult to restrain. Suspect continued loud diatribe: "Humans started all the wars! You’ve never seen a toon start a war, have you?"

Mr. Duck released on his own recognizance into the custody of one P. Pig who left with the suspect after announcing: "That’s all folks!"

Incurious George

This fall, PBS is launching its new animated series based on the popular children’s book "Curious George." Plans are reportedly already in the works to create a followup series based on the less well known children’s book "Incurious George" reproduced below:

This is George.
He lived in Texas.
He was a good little part time governor
but always very incurious.

One day George saw a man.
He had on a small red hunter’s hat.
The man saw George, too.
"What a nice political figurehead," the man thought.
"I would like to take him home with me."

The man laid out his grand presidential plan.
George, as usual, was not curious.
He didn’t much care for plans.
But he was fascinated with the shiny new presidency.

The plan had been in the man’s head for years.
George thought it would be nice
if he could have the shiny new presidency.
So he picked up the plan and tried it on.

The plan dazzled George so much that he couldn’t see.
The man talked to him quickly and distracted him with words.
George was caught.

The man with the red hunter’s hat put George into a blue suit
and a handler took them across the country to a big convention.
George was confused but he was still very incurious.

At the big convention, things began to happen.
The man took off his hat.
George stood on the podium and the man said,
"George, I am going to take you to a big white house in Washington.
You will like it there. Now run along and play but don’t get into trouble."
George promised to be compassionate
but it is easy for a little part time governor to forget.

At the white house, he found some tax cuts.
He wondered how he could give them to his friends.
George wasn’t curious about what happened when he cut taxes.
He just wanted to help his friends get richer.

Then George wanted to fight terrorism.
But he didn’t want to learn about history or root causes.
He just wanted to believe what his advisors told him
and fight the bad guys.

"Where are the weapons?" some people said.
"Where are the al Qaeda connections?" other people said.
But George was incurious.
He couldn’t wait to get the answers.
He wanted to invade now.

So George told all the soldiers to invade
and they rushed in hoping to be greeted with flowers.
But there were no flowers and yet George wasn’t curious about that.
He just said "mission accomplished" and moved on.

But the mission wasn’t accomplished.
The country fell into civil war and the people demanded that the soldiers leave.
But George preferred to believe his advisors and promised
that everything would be OK when democracy arrived.

Democracy didn’t arrive but George wasn’t curious about the reasons.
He said he didn’t read the newspapers or talk to experts.
The man with the red hunter’s hat told him all that he needed to know.
After all, the man had brought him all the way from Texas and was very wise.

And when the war dragged on and on, George didn’t ask why.
He just wanted to stay in the white house and play with all his trial balloons.
So the man in the red hunter’s hat arranged for him to stay another four years
and George decided to spend all his political capital.

But since George wasn’t curious,
he didn’t ask any questions before playing with his trial balloons.
When he tried to play with Social Security or Katrina or the Constitution,
he always managed to get in trouble and break something.

But finally the man in the red hunter’s hat came and rescued George.
He told him that he had broken all the balloons and that it was time to leave.
He said he had a new place for George to go.
So George left the white house and moved back to Texas.
What a nice place for George to live
and what a great relief for the country.