Dave's Political Satire

Monsieur Romney

2012-01-19T15:39:00.002-05:00

After attacking the former governor of Massachusetts for being a “moderate” – a bad word in Republican circles – the ad’s narrator says: “And just like John Kerry, he speaks French too.”

- The Globe & Mail - January 13, 2012

Politics can be a nasty business what with candidates attacking not only one another’s positions but also their traits and personalities. But it looks like the current campaign for this year’s Republican presidential nomination has sunk to a new low.

Newt Gingrich has taken off both gloves and come out swinging against Mitt Romney by portraying him as that most hated of people - a francophone. What can the former governor do now? It’s impossible to prove a negative - i.e. - that he can’t speak French. And any use of the French language would just make matters worse. Or would it?

Perhaps Romney’s best defense is a good offense. It’s time for the Mittster to go on the attack and celebrate his Frenchiness, perhaps with an attack ad of his own like this one:

Camera pans across a private library filled with leather-bound books and lights on a distinguished-looking Mitt Romney seated at an impressive oak desk.

“My fellow Americans. As I seek to become your next president, it saddens me to see my opponents stooping to nastier and nastier tactics. Rather than debate me on the issues, they are now engaging in ad hominen attacks. Ad hominen, of course, being Latin meaning attacks against me personally.

“Yes, I understand Latin; I even speak a bit of it. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a dead language, you see. Contrary to the view of Rick Perry, it is not the lingua franca (there’s that Latin again) of Latin America. As far as I know, they still speak mostly Spanish and Portuguese down there.

“I have to admit that I also speak a little Spanish. Un poco, as they say, and I’m proud to own up to that. After all, our Hispanic brothers and sisters in this great land of ours make up a sizable percentage of the electorate and I’d like to think that we are sympatico.

“Which brings me to the subject of French. Yes, I do know some French. There I’ve said it. And, quite frankly, there’s nothing wrong with that.

“Much of our own American language is based on French. Take coup de grâce, for example, which is something I’d like to deliver to my bête noire Newt Gingrich this Saturday in South Carolina.

“So if one of us happens to know quelques mots en français, what’s the big deal? It’s not like that makes me an adulterer or a surrender monkey.

“I think it’s about time we celebrated a candidate’s linguistic abilities in this country. It’s time we stopped insisting that you have to be unilingual, or in the case of George W. Bush non-lingual, to serve in The White House.

“I understand some French. I can write some French. And I can even speak a bit of the language. Just enough, in fact, to tell those wine-guzzling, cheese-loving, shower-avoiding snobs to laissez-nous tranquilles.

“Knowing French is not a weakness. Being French, on the other hand, is. And when it comes time to keep those Frenchies in their place, I’ll be le president who can do it in both languages.”

The Secret Handbook

2011-12-28T12:14:00.003-05:00

If you’ve been following the Republican leadership race (and who hasn’t?), you’re probably wondering how the various candidates are able to consistently stay on message. You’re probably also wondering why there is so little difference between their positions. The answer lies in an unknown, recently-leaked manual called "The Secret Handbook for Republican Presidential Candidates." Here are some of its entries:
Age, Sex and Race
The Republican Party prides itself on being an equal opportunity elector. We don’t care whether you’re young or old, male or female or black or white. Heck, we don’t even care if you’re Hispanic. But the one thing we do ask is that you be rich....really, really rich. Electoral politics is not for the faint of heart and definitely not for those light in the wallet.
Religion
It’s really pretty simple; Christ must be your personal savior, preferably in the context of a fundamentalist strain of Christianity. No exceptions. Sorry Joe Lieberman. We try to be as flexible as possible on this matter which is why we’ve kind of looked the other way for that Mitt Romney fellow. But, truth be told, we’d be more comfortable with an out-and-out born-again Baptist.
Affairs (the Newt Gingrich Rule)
It’s OK to have an affair so long as it was in the last century and you’ve shown at least some remorse. Recent affairs, however, or ones lasting longer than twelve years will be fatal to any candidate unless she’s a woman. After all, we’re not Democrats.
Brain Freezes (the George W. Bush Rule)
Good ole boy impressions are perfectly acceptable. So, too, are the occasional malapropism and slip-up. But beware of lowering your perceived IQ under the political Mendoza line (as of today, about 90). One or two brain freezes won’t necessarily be fatal unless followed by a double mistake on who can vote and when. We’ve added a Rick Perry Corollary this year, also known as the Two-drink Maximum Rule.
Taxes (the Grover Norquist Rule)
This one’s pretty simple. No new taxes. Period. Fullstop. Exclamation point. Don’t even waffle on this one (are you listening Jon Huntsman?) or say "Read my lips." And don’t forget; ‘no new taxes’ is just the minimum position. If you actually want to win the nomination, you have to propose lowering taxes, especially for the wealthy. Acceptable positions include "a flat tax", "no tax" or even "9-9-9," whatever the heck that means.
Gun Control (the Charlton Heston Rule)
Republicans like guns. And we like others to like guns, too. That’s why we support the right to bear arms and, if necessary, arm bears. Whatever it takes to keep freedom ringing loud and clear in our streets in the middle of the night is fine by us. If you absolutely, positively have to waffle on this issue, you can always claim to be a bit of a moderate and propose personal limitations on small, handheld nuclear weapons.
A Mexican Fence
When it comes to immigration, the minimum acceptable position is a fence along the Mexican border. What kind of fence or how tall is entirely up to you. Ten feet, twenty feet, wire mesh, concrete, electrified. Be creative. How about an alligator-filled moat or a tourist-themed Great Wall of Texas?
A Female Candidate (the Sarah Palin Rule)
If you wish to be the first female Republican presidential candidate, stay out of the race. That way you can’t screw up and, with any luck, by the time the convention rolls around, there’ll be no one left to run except for you. This is also known as the anti-Michele Bachman Rule.
Libertarians (the Ron Paul Rule)
We welcome libertarians into the Republican Party. We’re just not that keen on having them run as president. Let’s face it; every party needs a little comic relief and Ron Paul is both little and comic, kind of our version of Dennis Kucinich. But there’s no point in making the next election any easier for Obama than it has to be.

Who's Naughty or Nice

2011-12-20T16:04:00.005-05:00

Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus here and I want to answer some special letters I received this Christmas season. It’s not just kids who write me looking for presents, you know. This year I got some written requests from a few grownups, too.
Although Santa tries to get every kid who writes to him a present that he or she really wants, that same rule doesn’t always apply to these older correspondents. More often than not, I find it’s better to give them something they actually need.

Barack Obama
Ever since he was a little boy in Indonesia, Barack has been asking to live in a big white house. I finally managed to make that one happen for him but now he’s asking for everything under the sun like a Democratic-controlled Congress and a five percent unemployment rate. Hey, I’m Santa, not a miracle worker. There’s only so much I can do. But I do know what Barack needs and that’s why this Christmas I’m going to bring him a kick in the pants, a stiffer spine and a crazy Republican presidential nominee.

Hillary Clinton
I remember Hillary when she went by the name of Rodham which was right up to 1992, as I recall. Anyway, poor Hillary has not always gotten what she wanted for Christmas including the Democratic nomination in 2008 and a faithful husband. But that doesn’t mean that this is her year. I know she’d like to see her boss trip up and take a political face-plant but I’m going to save her best present for 2016.

Mitt Romney
Little Mitt has had it pretty easy all these years. His dad was the head of American Motors and the governor of Michigan so he got just about everything he wanted. That included the governorship of Massachusetts and a cushy corporate gig. Now he says he wants the Republican nomination. Before he gets that gift, however, I think he needs a few other things like a personality de-stiffener, a consistent platform and maybe a new style of underwear.

Newt Gingrich
I’ve known Newt since he was knee-high to a grasshopper which, ironically, makes a great meal for a newt. It’s been hard trying to keep up with his Christmas wishes over the years since he keeps changing his mind on such things as ethical standards, consulting contracts and wives. Now he says he wants to run the whole dang country. This year, however, I think I’m just going to give him what he really needs: a daily dose of humility and a five-second delay when speaking.

Ron Paul
From the moment he could talk, little Ronnie was the odd child. He never wanted more; he always wanted less. As in less government, less spending, less foreign involvement. Now he’s actually asking me for something more, namely the Republican presidential nomination. Before I can do that, however, I’m going to have to get him a moderate platform and a whole new personality. Until then, he’ll have to make do this year with a leather-bound collection of the works of Ayn Rand.

Rick Perry
At least there’s one guy whose wants are the same as his needs. That’s why I’ll be putting a one-way ticket back to Austin in Rick Perry’s stocking this Christmas.

The Last Liberal Republican

2011-12-14T22:35:00.002-05:00

The last living liberal Republican has decided to disown that label. Tired of being called a "liberal" or even a "socialist", Dirk Delaney, 76, of Providence, Rhode Island could no longer take the incessant ridicule and finally gave up.
In the last century, liberal Republicans once roamed the American political landscape in huge numbers. They were heard to regularly proclaim their liberal social views on op-ed pages, at national conventions and even during presidential elections.
"I remember when we had a real say in the Republican Party," said Delaney. "Why we once even had one of our own as Vice President."
"You remember Nelson Rockefeller, don’t you?" questioned Mr. Delaney plaintively. "He was a liberal Republican, you know."
But those days of left-leaning Republicans thriving in large numbers in every state of the union (except possibly Idaho) are long over. The socially progressive member of the G.O.P. seems to have gone the way of the dodo bird.
In recent years, sightings of liberal Republicans had become rarer and rarer. It was thought that there might still be some small groups of these exotic creatures in sanctuaries in the northeast but they were seldom spotted in public or in print.
"I know there were a few left," said Delaney. "But they would only reveal themselves to me in private. They were afraid to go public for fear of being labelled ‘pinkos’, ‘commies’ or, even worse, ‘Democrats.’ It got so bad that even the moderate ones were loath to admit that they had once voted for Richard Nixon or Gerald Ford."
Now that Mr. Delaney has foresworn the hated label, there may be no one left to carry on the once-proud tradition of liberal Republicanism. In fact, rumor has it that an application has been made to formally induct that phrase into the Oxymoron Hall of Shame.
"I had great hopes for that Mitt Romney fellow," said Delaney. "His father George was a liberal Republican, you know. But you’d never know it to listen to his son. I don’t think he even acknowledges his real father anymore. The last I heard, he said his dad was a poor, hardworking dirt farmer who died when Mitt was just an infant."
With the disappearance of the last liberal Republican, the G.O.P. is reportedly marking the transition by changing its informal description as "the party of Lincoln" to "the party of Reagan" or possibly even the "G.O.T.P.", as in the Grand Old Tea Party.

Republican Idol

2011-11-17T20:20:00.005-05:00

The next presidential election is almost a year away and already there have been a dozen Republican presidential debates with plenty more to come. Apart from their sheer number, perhaps the most surprising fact about these encounters is their high TV ratings.

In view of those ratings, rumor has it that at least three major TV networks are in a bidding war to make the debates an ongoing weekly series. Recently leaked draft scripts hint at what we can expect from future episodes:

Thursday, November 17th

Mitt Romney tires of endlessly debating and getting no bump in the polls. The former Massachusetts governor decides to take a pass on the next debate but doesn’t know how to do it without causing a big ruckus. Romney finally decides to announce a fake religious holiday on November 17th called the Mormon Day of Silence when the faithful must not speak for 24 hours. The candidate shows up anyway, keeps his vow of silence and sees his polling numbers double overnight.

Thursday, November 24th

All but counted out of the race, Rick Perry chooses to play to his strength: hilarious miscues. The Texas governor decides to become the leading Republican joker and walks onto the debate stage dressed as a Thanksgiving turkey. Perry stumbles, stutters and, when asked, is unable to come up with even one policy position. Leaving the audience in stitches, he declares himself America’s comedian-in-chief. Sadly, his presidential polling numbers keep falling although, on the plus side, his vice presidential numbers soar.

Thursday, December 1st

Herman Cain continues to battle allegations of sexual harassment and yet still retains high polling numbers. Figuring that denial equals success, the former pizza chain exec decides to deny unreported incidents of sexual misconduct, drugs and even money laundering. The other candidates are mystified as Cain’s numbers rise faster than warm pizza dough.

Thursday, December 8th

Ron Paul’s frustration at being a perennial also-ran finally shows through. The charisma-challenged candidate figures that if sex scandals helped Herman Cain’s standing, they can do the same for him. During the debate, Paul claims that he slept with seven women, two men and a goat ---- all at the same time. However, no one believes him and his numbers drop like Ayn Rand’s popularity at a socialists’ convention.

Thursday, December 15th

Seeing no movement in her campaign, Michele Bachmann takes a giant risk and dresses up as Sarah Palin for the latest debate. Neither her husband Marcus nor Newt Gingrich notices Bachmann’s transformation although Gingrich does become strangely aroused. At first, the crowd responds positively but when the disguised Bachmann continues to speak in mostly complete sentences, the ruse is revealed and the audience turns on her.

Thursday, December 22nd

In this Christmas episode, the debate regulars get a surprise visit from President Obama who joins the Republican presidential hopefuls on stage. When asked what he’d most like from Santa for Christmas this year, Obama replies: “World peace and ABM - anyone but Mitt.”

More Cherry Apologies

2011-10-19T15:11:00.005-04:00

In an event rarer than a solar eclipse, Don Cherry has apologized. After tearing a strip off former tough guys Stu Grissom, Chris Nilan and Jim Thomson, calling them “hypocrites”, “pukes” and “turncoats”, the “Hockey Night in Canada” blowhard took it all back.

At first it was assumed that the apology was sincere and heartfelt. But given the threatened legal action by Messrs. Grissom, Nilan and Thomson, it appears that Mr. Cherry’s ‘mea culpa’ was more motivated by fear of financial loss than sincere regret. In fact, some other threatened lawsuits may explain these additional unexpected apologies from hockey’s most colorful commentator:

Swedes

“I truly regret calling various Nordic hockey players ‘chicken Swedes’,” said Mr. Cherry. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Those guys are tough and can really play hard.” Cherry denies that his about face had anything to do with a cease-and-desist letter he received from the Stockholm law firm of Peterssen, Petersson & Pedersson. “I was wrong,” said Cherry. “Any of those guys can go into a corner with a dozen eggs in their pocket and some of them would definitely break.”

Ron MacLean

"Cripes, did he really think I was serious with all my comments about him?”, said Cherry. “I was just kidding around, that’s all.” Apparently MacLean could take no more and engaged the services of the Toronto law firm Bleedum Drye to make his case. “OK, so he’s not a sniveling little butt kisser,” said Cherry. “If that’s what he needs to hear to make this lawsuit go away, then so be it.”

Bobby Orr

“This one breaks my heart,” said Cherry. “I love the guy; I really do and now I’ve gotta deny my love.” Apparently the greatest defenseman to ever play the game had reached his limit with expressions of love from his former pal Grapes. “It hurts to say it,” said a tearful Cherry. “But I apologize for any hugs, kisses or other expressions of affection directed towards Mr. Orr and I will never embrace or embarrass him again.”

The NDP

“I didn’t know that ‘pinko’ was a bad word,” said Cherry. “I just figured those bicycle riders like the color pink and that’s why you call them pinkos. I’m truly sorry for any offense I may have caused and I will never use that word again.” Asked to comment on the NDP’s platform and recent electoral success at the federal level, Don Cherry declined. “I’m staying mum when it comes to those guys although I think all you kids at home can guess what my real opinion might be.”

The Canadian Apparel Federation

“I can’t lie,” said Cherry. “This one really hurts.” The former Boston coach was talking about his apology to the entire Canadian menswear and fashion industry wherein he undertook to stop wearing any more outrageous suits and shirts. “I’m sorry if my clothing choices caused any damage to the haberdashery sector of this great country of ours,” said the style-challenged former coach. “I honestly thought I looked great in those outfits. Now I know better.”

Diefenbastard

2011-10-14T16:14:00.002-04:00

“A museum dedicated to John Diefenbaker has decided to give a man who suspects he's the former prime minister's only child access to its artifacts for DNA testing.”

- The Canadian Press - 16/9/2011

Toronto native George Dryden is on a mission to prove that he is, in fact, the illegitimate son of Canada’s 13th prime minister. If nothing else, Mr. Dryden’s feistiness and dogged determination suggest that he may well be John Diefenbaker’s son.

But it turns out that Mr. Dryden is not the only potential illegitimate child of a recent Canadian leader. Rumor has it that the following people may also have illegitimate links to 24 Sussex:

Fred Wilson

This Ottawa native may be the love child of former prime minister Joe Clark. One anonymous source suggests that the polite, soft-spoken thirty-one-year-old was conceived on December 13, 1979, the very day that Mr. Clark’s minority government was defeated, nine months less a day since he took power. At the time, Mr. Clark’s defeat was blamed on his inability to do math but instead it may have occurred because of a secret assignation with one Enid Wilson in the Parliamentary cloak room. Nine months less a day later, Ms. Wilson gave birth to a baby boy with a distinctive receding chin.

Unlike George Dryden, Fred Wilson has not made any attempts to establish his true parentage. “Mr. Clark seems like a very nice man,” said Mr. Wilson. “And I assume he’s very busy. It wouldn’t really be right to bother him about such a minor matter, would it now?”

Gilles Lalonde

The 26-year-old from Montreal apparently has a strong case for claiming Brian Mulroney as his father. Not only is Mr. Lalonde the spitting image of Canada’s 18th prime minister, his mother, former Mulroney housekeeper Giselle Lalonde, has confirmed a brief relationship with her former boss.

Yet Mr. Lalonde has not pursued the matter further. In fact, the smooth-talking, lantern-jawed Montrealer has adamantly denied that Mr. Mulroney is his biological father. “I’ve got a nice little restaurant business here in Montreal,” said Mr. Lalonde. “If it was ever established that I’m a Mulroney, I could lose half my customers overnight. I’ve got nothing against the guy but, heck, I’ve gotta make a living.”

Phyllis Smith

Calgary is home to this 21-year-old aspiring accountant who, with her ski-slope nose and slight midriff bulge, bears an uncanny likeness to our current prime minister. DNA testing has, in fact, established that Ms. Smith is Stephen Harper’s daughter. However, since Phyllis Smith’s mother Brenda has adamantly denied being even a ten-foot pole length away from Mr. Harper, the biological connection was, until recently, a mystery.

“My mom says she’d rather sleep with a rattlesnake than Stephen Harper,” said Phyllis Smith. “And I believe her.” But there is a simple explanation. It turns out that there was a slight mixup with donor samples at a Calgary fertility clinic 22 years ago and the rest is history.

Jacques Strappe

Shawinigan native Jacques Strappe has long believed that he might be distantly related to Canada’s 20th prime minister Jean Chretien. After all, Mr. Strappe bears a definite resemblance to Mr. Chretien and has the same inability to speak either of Canada’s official languages. But he never guessed that he might actually be a son of the former prime minister.

“For me, pepper, I put it on my plate and I don’t mind if it’s proved that I’m Mr. Chretien’s son,” said Mr. Strappe. “A proof is a proof. What kind of proof? It’s a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it’s because it’s proven.”

Kim Turner

Perhaps the strangest possible prime ministerial love child is Kim Turner of Vancouver, B.C. Rumor has it that Ms. Turner is not just the child of one prime minister but is, in fact, the spawn of two prime ministers.

Historians have often wondered how Kim Campbell managed to decimate a majority Tory government and reduce it to two members in the House of Commons back in 1993. Apparently her illicit affair with former prime minister John Turner and subsequent unreported pregnancy was the distraction that cost her and her party the election.

While the evidence of her twin prime ministerial parents is overwhelming, Kim Turner strongly denies any connection. “Hey,” said Ms. Turner. “Would you admit that you were related to those two losers? Let’s face it, I was in the womb longer than the two of them combined were prime minister.”

Selling the Sizzle

2011-10-08T16:58:00.002-04:00

MEMO

TO: Earl Stuckley, CEO, U. S. Motors

FROM: Charles Miller, VP Marketing

I regret that it’s come to this. I had hoped that our ongoing disagreements with the production and engineering departments could be resolved through normal channels. But now it is clear that the impasse is so intractable that it requires your involvement.

For years now, our employees in the marketing branch have gone above and beyond the call of duty to bring our company into the 21st century. We have spent countless hours creating and designing marketing plans that will ensure our continuing profitability and long-term success.

Unfortunately, the engineering and production folks refuse to cooperate in the implementation of even our simplest idea. And, as you know, if we don’t have a product to match our advertising campaign, we don’t have a hope of increasing sales.

The various divisions of a company are not competitors. Rather, we are all members of one team — a team whose singular goal should be corporate success.

We have done our part; now we urge you to get the other departments onside as well. All that means is to design and produce a car to match our sterling marketing campaign.

They say it can’t be done but if we can dream it, whey can’t they produce it? Our TV ads touting our new H2O-powered SUVs have tested off the charts with consumer focus groups. Is it too much to ask the geniuses over in engineering to come up with just one vehicle that runs on water?

As for price points, if we expect to stay competitive with the Japanese, we need a family van that comes in under $10,000. And that means one with all the bells and whistles, too, including cup holders and a DVD player. Our print ads are ready to go with an MSRP of $9,999. Anything higher and we’re destined for failure. Just because those wacky number-crunching pencil pushers over in accounting say it can’t be done is no reason to pull the plug on this project now.

We’re no less adamant about our proposed multi-media campaign for the Pegasus — the world’s first affordable flying family sedan. We appreciate that cutting edge technology like this can’t be produced overnight. But if the production guys can’t even commit to a 2014 model, all our work on a combined Facebook-Twitter-YouTube rollout will be for naught.

Frankly, we here in marketing are tired of carrying the load for U. S. Motors. Great ideas don’t come cheaply and they don’t come along every day either. If the bright, creative minds in our shop don’t at least occasionally see a practical realization of one of their brilliant outside-the-box concepts, we’re going to lose some of our top marketing people to the competition.

We don’t want to be unreasonable. We recognize that marketing may have a monopoly on the best and the brightest. So we accept that the water-fuelled SUV and the flying sedan may have to be delayed a bit.

But in the meantime, we feel the least we can expect from our coworkers is a piddling 75 miles-per-gallon, $12,000 subcompact with automatic driver-less operation and self-cleaning option. We can roll out an ad campaign for this in three to four months. Can production at least match us on that?

I hope we can count on your support as I know you are a can-do kind of guy who is not going to take “It’s physically impossible to build a 75 m.p.g. car for $12,000" as a legitimate excuse for more heel dragging. If you can light a fire under the other departments, we’re ready to fan those flames into a brushfire of sales success.

Yours in motoring,

Chuck Miller

The Dominion of Canada

2011-09-17T11:46:00.001-04:00

It’s official. Stephen Harper is a staunch and unapologetic monarchist.

Last month his government brought back the Royal Canadian Air Force and the Royal Canadian Navy as the official names for the sea and air branches of our military. Then he ordered that the Queen’s portrait hang in every Canadian embassy around the world.

But according to government insiders, that’s not the end of it. The Prime Minister apparently has even more Queen-friendly proposals in the works. Seldom reliable sources have revealed the following future pro-monarchist steps:

* Canada’s maple leaf flag will be replaced by the old red ensign.

* Our country will henceforth be referred to as the Dominion of Canada, the Kingdom of Canada or the Queendom of Canada.

* “God Save the Queen” to replace “O Canada” as our national anthem.

* The national capital will be moved from Ottawa to Kingston, the original capital of the united Canadas back in 1841.

* The Queen’s English will be declared our sole official language.

* Canadians will be urged to call trucks “lorries”, umbrellas “bumbershoots”, car trunks “boots” and to pronounce aluminum as “aluminium.”

* Charles will be invited to move here and become King of Canada.

* Quebec will be asked to reconfirm its defeat on the Plains of Abraham and formally surrender to the Queen.

* Dairy Queen will be designated Canada’s official soft ice cream restaurant and Burger King will be our official national hamburger chain.

* A knighthood will be posthumously awarded to a famous former Toronto Maple Leafs defenceman so that Canada’s official donut shop can henceforth be known as Sir Tim Horton’s.

* The Senate will be changed to the House of Canadian Lords. We will now refer to Hugh Segal as Lord Tubby of Kingston and Mike Duffy will be known as Lord Puffster of Charlottetown.

Fifteen Minutes A Day

2011-08-20T10:25:00.001-04:00

A recent Taiwanese study found that fifteen minutes a day of moderate exercise may add three years to your life.
As far as I’m concerned, this is great news. Not for the reason given by the lead researcher, namely that this result will presumably encourage more people to take up a daily exercise regimen.
Rather, this study demonstrates that there’s really little reason to get off the sofa and start walking, running or climbing stairs. Let’s face it; exercise sucks, big time. So if I’m going to gain three years at the end of my life, what’s the actual cost in exercising time?
Let’s do the math. Assuming that the average life expectancy for a male is 79 and that this regular exercise thing would start at around 14 years of age, that means sixty-five years of fifteen minutes a day of exercise to increase your lifespan to 82 years.
Is it worth it? Well, fifteen minutes a day for sixty-five years means a quarter hour times 365 days a year or 91.25 hours a year. Times sixty-five years that adds up to 5,931 hours or about 247 days or two-thirds of an entire year.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m not ready to undergo a definitely unpleasant two-thirds of a year in return for three end-of-life years. Plus, that two-thirds of a year would have to be subtracted from those three years anyway. Much like a car in the garage for repairs, that time hardly counts as useful living.
Let’s be realistic, too; those years between 79 and 82 are not likely going to be your best ones. In fact, if experience is any judge, they’re probably going to be filled with aches, pains, illnesses, ailments and lots of medications.
Why spend your life annoying yourself for a quarter of an hour a day if all it gets you in the end is three years of geezerhood? Nice try Taiwanese study but this is one guy who’s not going to fall for your fancy multi-factor cohort group statistical analysis.
I don’t need any fancy research telling me to exercise. That one-or-two-glasses-of-wine-a-day-is-good-for-you study is all the medical research I require. Unless, of course, you’ve got a more-red-meat-extends-your-life study or some watching-sports-on-TV-promotes-heart-health research. Then I’m all ears.

Look Who's Bankrupt Now

2011-07-29T19:52:00.008-04:00

A lot of folks are worried about the debt ceiling crisis. As in, what’s going to happen if the United States defaults on its debt?
Some commentators are predicting a doomsday scenario in which credit ratings plummet, interest rates skyrocket and the financial sky starts falling. Others say that failure to increase the debt limit will lead to a worldwide financial meltdown.
But is the situation actually that dire? Not really because, after all, the United States is in debt just like you and me. And we know what happens to us when our finances go south. That’s right; we declare bankruptcy.
And that’s all that’s going to happen to the United States of America on August 2nd if Congress and President Obama can’t get a deal done. America will simply declare bankruptcy.
At first, that will sound really scary and people will be predicting doom and gloom and pulling their hair out. But once everyone takes a couple of deep breaths and a Valium or two, it will quickly become apparent that declaring bankruptcy may be the best thing that ever happened to the country.
Bankruptcy means that you get to write off your debts against whatever assets you have left. In the case of the United States, that means eliminating all that monstrous debt held by China and others and eliminating it for about ten cents on the dollar.
Plus, usually in a bankruptcy proceeding, you get to protect basic family assets like your vehicle and your home. Thus, even if the U. S. goes Chapter 12, it can probably still hold on to Air Force One and The White House.
Even if America has to foreclose on The White House, is that really such a bad thing? After all, the place is two hundred years old, is really outdated and needs a heck of a lot of renovations. Letting the World Bank or the International Money Fund take possession might actually be a blessing in disguise.
Of course, some folks in Washington may lose their jobs because of this debt default thing. But chances are that won’t happen right away. In fact, many of those holding elected office likely won’t see a pink slip until November of next year.
And before we get to that point, remember who makes the laws in America. That’s right - Congress. So if they don’t like the consequences of a national bankruptcy, all they have to do is pass a couple of laws and change the rules to favor the bankrupt party.
So don’t sweat this latest so-called crisis. Every cloud has a silver lining although this particular one may well be lined with gold at upwards of $2000 an ounce.
As always though, in the end, this situation will work out just fine, at least for America’s bankers, politicians and power brokers. As for the rest of you? Not to worry. Now that the NFL lockout is over, there’ll be plenty of bread and circuses to go around for everyone.

The Will & Kate Road Show

2011-07-07T21:41:00.001-04:00

This is a warning to my American friends, particularly those living in Los Angeles. Watch out. Will and Kate are coming.
Prince William and his wife Catherine, the newly-crowned Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, have just spent the last week traveling across Canada and they’re now heading south for a three-day trip to L. A. I feel it’s my duty to let you know what to expect.
The Will & Kate Road Show took Canada by storm. Wherever they went, huge crowds gathered to greet them and more than a hundred journalists followed along to record their every word and fashion statement.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by this phenomenon. As a Canadian, you’d think that I would understand matters royal. After all, Queen Elizabeth is our nominal head of state.
But I wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming reception Will and Kate received. It was like they were, well, royalty or something.
In recent years, we Canadians have been less and less enamored of the British royals given their wealth, aloofness and scandals. But Will and Kate seem to have revived our nation’s love affair with the royal family and, thanks to them, I suspect we’re stuck being a constitutional monarchy for years to come.
Which brings me to my warning to you folks. Don’t be fooled by what appears to be a simple, friendly diplomatic visit by Great Britain’s future head of state and his wife. I think there’s something more afoot here.
Have you noticed what’s happening in England lately? The economy is a mess, labor strife is rampant and the country is a shadow of its former self.
My guess is that this royal visit is a rearguard action, an attempt to undo the deeds of the American Rebellion or what you folks so quaintly call the American Revolution. England needs financial help and what better way to get it than to take back America?
Be careful. This cute young couple may seem harmless but I suspect they have a hidden agenda. Their ultimate aim may well be to regain their ancestors’ status as King and Queen of the Americas.
Let’s face it; despite your revolutionary roots, most of you still have a love affair with royalty. After all, didn’t you almost make George Washington your first king? And, like it or not, most women still grow up with dreams of marrying a real life prince.
You folks are sitting ducks or, in this case, sitting dukes and duchesses in waiting. Once Hollywood gets a glimpse of this glamorous couple, they’re going to want to adopt them and jump on the royal bandwagon. What movie star or mogul wouldn’t want a chance at nobility?
And once Hollywood is on board, the rest of the nation will follow and before you know it, you’re bowing and curtseying to kings and queens again. I’m just saying, watch out. If you wake up some day and find you’re paying a tax on your tea, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If Nominated, I Will Not Notice

2011-06-27T11:35:00.003-04:00

“Gov. Mitch Daniels of Indiana said early Sunday that he would not become a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination.....”
- The N. Y. Times - May 22, 2011

Mitch who? Oh, well, never mind. Given the ever-increasing number of declared non-candidates for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination, I felt that it was probably time for me to announce my intentions as well.
Despite the urging of virtually no one, I have decided not to enter my name for the Republican nomination. I regret the inconvenience my decision may have caused to my supporter but I have every reason to believe that he will get over it.
Some will say that I withdrew my name due to family considerations. Let me make this as clear as I possibly can. I am not withdrawing in order to spend more time with my family. In fact, if the truth be known, my wife and daughter were my two biggest fans and specifically asked that I spend less time with them. Sadly, their fondest wish will now go unfulfilled.
Others have speculated that certain closet-based skeletons and previously undisclosed personal scandals caused me to reconsider my position. Let me unequivocally refute that notion right now. Without commenting on my financial shortcomings and the several unfortunate animal-related allegations, I am proud of my record and would not be ashamed to discuss these matters publicly in a presidential campaign. Given today’s decision, however, such a discussion is not presently required.
Conjecture was rife (or perhaps rifeless) that I would not run due to my past political record. That is simply not true. There is nothing in my political record that I am ashamed of or that would cause me to withdraw my name from consideration. That is, of course, because there is nothing in my political record.
Initially I had thought that the Republican Party deserved a wide array of candidates for the upcoming nomination battle. Clearly there was no shortage of right-of-center candidates including those on the hard right, the ultra right and the just plain nutty right. But there was a definite lack of left-of-center potential nominees.
With that fact in mind, I was prepared to offer myself up as a candidate to appeal to that segment of the Party faithful. However, it turns out that there is not a great deal of demand for even a centrist candidate, much less a so-called liberal one. I have been advised that the Democratic Party also has no current need for nominees of that persuasion.
In the end, I decided to absent myself from the upcoming nomination race because I realized that there was already a wealth of qualified individuals. With sterling candidates like Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich to choose from, there was no need to offer myself to the voters. I’m sure that one of those folks will make an acceptable Republican presidential nominee. At least that’s one thing Barack Obama and I can agree on.
In short, if nominated, I will not notice; if elected, I will not care.

Racing Canaries

2011-06-13T11:21:00.008-04:00

This is an audio file which was slated for inclusion in a CD entitled "Writers' Block Party" but ultimately didn't make the final cut. A written version appeared in The Toronto Star a few years back. The MP3 icon will take you to the OverDrive site and the piece should start shortly after hitting the play arrow.

All in a Twitter

2011-06-11T12:20:00.003-04:00

Washington is all in a Twitter about the latest sex scandal, this one involving Representative Anthony Weiner of New York. Weinergate tells us two things: (1) those who ignore the history of sex scandals are condemned to repeat it and (2) many male politicians are not too bright.

In the interests of avoiding future D. C. sexcapades, it’s time to provide the current crop of pols a brief handy guide to the dos and don’ts (mostly don’ts) of illicit sex in the nation’s capital. Here then are some useful guidelines gleaned from the historical record:

Don’t sleep with movie stars
Sure, JFK got away with it. And although I didn’t personally know the former president, I can guarantee you that you’re no JFK and you won’t be sleeping with the likes of Marilyn Monroe. Remember that movie stars crave publicity and you shouldn’t. If you absolutely have to sleep with a celebrity, make sure she’s a foreign star that Americans have never heard of.

Don’t share the stage in a burlesque house with a stripper
Back in 1974, Wilbur Mills, the powerful chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, had a late night incident involving alcohol, driving and his companion Fanne Foxe, a well known Washington ecdysiast who jumped into the Tidal Basin. Mr. Mills survived that incident only to later take the stage with Ms. Foxe in Boston which lead to his resignation. The moral of the story? If you feel the need for an illicit midnight dip, stick to a chocolate-covered ice cream cone at your local Dairy Queen.

Don’t challenge the press to follow you
Back in 1987, presidential hopeful Gary Hart answered rumors of infidelity by challenging the press corps to follow him around. They did and – surprise, surprise – they caught him and his paramour Donna Rice in a compromising position on the deck of the appropriately named "Monkey Business." Thus, if you’re engaging in hanky panky, no need to admit it but don’t get too bold in your denials.

Don’t smoke
As Sigmund Freud once said: "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." If Bill Clinton had remembered that catchy aphorism back in 1995, he might have avoided all the hot water he got into with Monica Lewinsky. Better yet, since Clinton had earlier claimed that he never inhaled, it would have been better if he had avoided taking up cigars at all. Cigars or no cigars, he never learned the most important White House lesson: don’t cavort with interns.

Do try to avoid being a hypocrite
People who sleep with mistresses in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. One of the first to jump on the self-righteous, dump-Bill Clinton bandwagon was the then Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. But all the time Newt was wagging his finger at Bill he was also carrying on his own extra-marital shenanigans not to mention serving his wife with divorce papers while she was receiving cancer treatment. Lesson learned? Always check your own behavior before attacking others.

Don’t use public washrooms
Larry Craig learned this lesson the hard way in 2007 in a public washroom in the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Granted, sometimes you have no choice and simply can’t wait until you get home. But if you are forced to avail yourself of a public restroom, just be sure to keep your arms and legs inside the stall and absolutely no foot tapping.

Don’t send naked pictures of yourself by e-mail
Mr. Weiner’s current predicament is a modern cautionary tale. The only packages you should be mailing are by UPS. Nobody likes junk e-mail especially when it’s a photo of your junk. It didn’t work for Brett Favre and it won’t work for you. And if your name is Rod, Dick or Weiner, that goes double. After all, it’s one thing to be scandalized; it’s quite another to be ridiculed.

Kitten Chow Mein

2011-06-08T14:23:00.002-04:00

Harper posted a note on his official Facebook page asking people to pick a name for his family's new grey tabby. The options include "Stanley," "Smokie" and "Gandalf."

- The Canadian Press - June 5, 2011

Prime Minister Harper and his family have adopted a new kitten and invited Canadians to help name it. Eager feline fanciers had until Monday to vote for their favorite name.
The votes have now been tabulated and the winning name is "Stanley" in honor of the cup. Inside sources say, however, that some voters also submitted their own suggested names, all of which were rejected outright.
One Michael I. from Toronto apparently flooded Harper’s Facebook page with so many suggestions that his account was eventually terminated. Before Mr. I was shut down, he reportedly submitted the following names for the new cat: Nasty Guy, Auntie Democratic and Hidden A. Genda.
Jack L., also from Toronto, had a few suggested names for the Prime Minister’s kitty. Mr. L.’s first entry read: "I congratulate Mr. Harper on his majority but I urge him to rule from the center and, in that spirit, I suggest he name his new cat Moderate." His other proposed names included Parliamentary Decorum and Opposition Pussy.
Gilles D. from Montreal only made one entry but it was a forceful one presented entirely in caps. Mr. D.’s single proposed cat name was MAUDITES ORANGES!!
Elizabeth M. of Sidney, British Columbia was also a prolific contributor. All but one of her entries had an environmental theme such as Kyoto Kat, Green Tabby and Carbon Pawprint. The one exception was Debate Me.
It looks like some Conservative Party insiders also jumped on the cat-naming bandwagon. Probably looking to gain favor with the cat’s owner, John B. of Ottawa proffered the following possible names: Five Glorious Years, Our Beloved Leader and Top Tory Cat.
Based on a few not-so-rosy nominations, it appears that some Conservative Party lesser lights may be a bit bitter about their diminished roles in the new government. Two former ministers of state named Rob M. (Moore and Merrifield perhaps?) suggested Bound and Gagged and Kitten Chow Mein.
The new name has been announced and final approval was apparently contingent on a free vote within the Harper family. However, insiders say that Mr. Harper had a change of mind. At the last minute, he insisted the family vote be along party lines and his choice of Stanley therefore prevailed. Rumor has it that his alternate choices included Last Laugh, Alberta Firewall or Just Watch Me.

Crazy? You Betcha!

2011-06-06T16:43:00.003-04:00

They say you’ve got to be a little crazy to run for president. Well, if Sarah Palin is any indication, that saying may well be true.
Just when we thought that Ms. Palin had ridden off into the sunset, she surprises everyone with a mystery bus tour to New Hampshire. Even her fellow Republicans are starting to wonder if she’s a few cubs short of a wolf pack.
The more I watch Sarah Palin in action, the more she seems to fit a pattern. A pattern that would qualify her as genuinely, certifiably cuckoo.
Now before you call me a biased liberal loony who’s just out to trash the finest potential presidential candidate from north of the 49th parallel since Ted Stevens, hear me out. All you have to do is check the official definition of something called "narcissistic personality disorder" to see that maybe what we’re dealing with is someone who, although she may well be playing with a full deck, just happens to have a couple of extra jokers.
Follow along with me as we assess each of the symptoms for this thing called narcissistic personality disorder:

Has excessive feelings of self-importance
If there’s one thing Sarah Palin has it’s an excessive feeling of self-importance. Notwithstanding a political resume as light as air, she still pretends that she’s in the same league as the big boys and girls of American politics.

Exaggerates achievements and talents
Less than a full term as Alaska’s governor seems to mean more to Ms. Palin than it does to the rest of us. It’s not clear that she did much during her brief tenure although she claims all manner of accomplishment.

Needs constant attention and admiration
Sarah Palin seems incapable of taking a break from the media spotlight. After the failed 2008 campaign, she spent a great deal of time capitalizing on her newfound fame and blaming John McCain for any perceived failures. Rather than take a break from the main stage, she elected to write her autobiography, become a television personality and then start her own bus tour.

Disregards the feelings of others and has little ability to feel empathy
Ms. Palin doesn’t hesitate to discard colleagues and supporters if it serves to advance her cause. Just ask her former Alaskan allies and John McCain about her empathic abilities.

Has obsessive self-interest
Whatever Sarah Palin does, it’s all about her. When it comes to self-absorption, she makes most teenagers look like selfless saints.

A preoccupation with power or success
Whether it was the mayoralty of Wasilla, the governorship of Alaska or the number two spot on the 2008 national Republican ticket, Sarah Palin is looking out only for herself. What looked to some as a bizarre resignation from her position as governor was merely a realization that there was nothing more to be gained for her personally.

Reacts to criticism with rage
We’ve all seen the surprising anger that Sarah Palin can visit on everyone from the "lamestream media" to her former running mate John McCain. She appears incapable of admitting fault and angrily deflects criticism by accusing others of wrongdoing.

Is preoccupied with fantasies of success and power
Sarah Palin would love to be president but she’s probably not that keen on all the work and responsibility the position entails. Her ultimate goal is to be a famous celebrity in her own right, someone who can get a daily fix of praise and adulation just by being herself.

So now that we’ve made a diagnosis, what’s the prognosis? Apparently the most effective treatment for a person with this condition is intensive psychotherapy. Perhaps the best thing for Sarah Palin (and us, for that matter) is for her to take over from Oprah Winfrey and have her own daytime talk show. She would gain all the attention she needs, might even benefit from some talk therapy and would definitely save the rest of us from a scary political future.

Dear Steve

2011-06-02T20:29:00.002-04:00

An occasional advice column for the politically confused:

Dear Steve,
My pal Fabian and I are in a bit of a pickle. You see, a couple of months ago we both had cushy $132,000 jobs that didn’t require a lot of work. But then we thought it would be nice if we actually tried for elected positions. Everyone said we were shoe-ins but, guess what, we lost. Now we’re out of work and it really sucks. Anything we can do to get some easy work?
Larry S.

Dear Larry S.,
Leave it to me, boys. It looks like you were pretty happy with your old jobs. So why don’t we just get you reappointed? That should provide you with lots of long-term job security since, despite all the rumors, the last I heard was that no one would be touching those positions for a long, long time.
Steve

Dear Steve,
I’m at my wit’s end and I just don’t know what to do. We had this really great party and the leader kept saying that we should have an election so we could be in charge. Long story short: we lost big time and now we’re in lots of trouble. We’re looking to rebuild and someone mentioned a $2 vote subsidy we might qualify for. Can you help?
Bob R.

Dear Bob R.,
Sorry, no can do. I’ll talk to my friend Jim F. but I think he’s planning to pull the plug on that vote subsidy business. I hate to say it but maybe it’s time to roll up the carpet, take down the sign and put your party to bed. From what I hear, your former party is doing pretty well. Maybe you can find a home there.
Steve

Dear Steve,
Congratulations on your majority government. Much to my surprise, our party now forms the official opposition. I’m not sure exactly what that means but I think it’s a good thing. My members say that you can advise me as to what I should do to raise some issues that we could work on together.
Jack L.

Dear Jack L.,
Congratulations to you, too. Official opposition? That’s quite an accomplishment. As to working together, let me get back to you on that in about four or five years.
Steve

Dear Steve,
Remember me? I used to be a minister under Brian Mulroney but then I had a bit too much to drink, got on a motorcycle and rode right out of his cabinet. Anyway, good news; I’ve been reelected and was hoping to get back into cabinet. I heard that you want to reduce government and keep cabinet positions to a minimum. Any chance you could still find a spot for an old pal?
Bernie V.

Dear Bernie V.,
Yes, I’m a big believer in limited government and smaller cabinets. Nah, just kidding. Heck, we won a majority and that means if old friends need a helping hand, now’s the time to provide it. Don’t tell anybody but I’ve just upped the cabinet to a record 39 ministries. I’m almost making them up on the fly so how about we make you Minister of State for the Atlantic Canada Opportunities Agency and Francophonie? No kidding.
Steve

Dear Steve,
I’ve been hiding in the closet for a good five years now. A lot of people suspected I was there but I made sure the door was closed tight and never let anyone in to look at me. It’s been a shameful existence and I’d really like to come out now and let Canadians know who I really am. What should I do?
Hidden A. Genda

Dear Hidden,
Don’t be afraid. Come on out. It’s a different world today. People are much more accepting of philosophical, social and sexual differences. Just because you want to build more prisons when the crime rate is decreasing is no reason to hide. Nor does your desire to get rid of a functioning long gun registry make you a pariah any longer. Sure, a lot of people won’t be happy when you show your face but you have a right to be seen and heard. Welcome aboard.
Steve

Daria Does Doha

2011-05-28T10:08:00.001-04:00

It has been widely reported that the Navy SEALS who killed Osama bin Laden were able to recover a huge cache of files including an extensive collection of pornography. Now seldom reliable sources have revealed the specific contents of that collection including:

* An X-rated video entitled "Extra Hummus Please" featuring a shawarma delivery man being tempted by a harem of 72 virgins.
* An erotic flip book with pictures of a veiled female. As the user flips the pages, the veil alternately disappears and reappears.
* A copy of the August 2006 issue of "Playmartyr." The centerfold features 19-year-old, burka-clad Amber with all four wrists and ankles exposed. Amber attends Abbottabad Community College and says her turn-ons include kittens, clouds and buff, self-immolating jihadis. Bin Laden reportedly said that he only bought the magazine to burn the articles.
* Two VHS copies of the classic middle eastern porno "Daria Does Doha" in which a fully-clad cheerleader serves figs and tea to the entire Qatar football team.
* Several copies of a monthly magazine called "Babes With Big Burqas."
* A steamy Arabic romance novel entitled "God Willing", part of a series of monogamous sex fantasies about Arab men being married to only one wife.
* An al Qaeda snuff film entitled "Top Ten Suicide Bombings of the 21st Century."
* A number of apparently fetishistic items including a leather hijab, a nylon abaya and a George W. Bush pin cushion doll.
* A hard-core pornographic film allegedly containing group sex called "We’re All Going To Hell" that has no lighting or sound.
* A series of soft-core videos entitled "Secretaries of State Gone Wild" featuring Hillary Clinton, Condaleeza Rice and Madeleine Albright look-a-likes in some semi-steamy, girl-on-girl diplomatic action. Each video shows the "secretaries" negotiating, compromising and frequently changing positions.

Joe Biden - SIC

2011-05-20T19:57:00.005-04:00

"There was also a diary in which he [Osama bin Laden] jotted his musings on how to kill U. S. President Barack Obama, but not Joe Biden, the vice president, who, he wrote, was not worth the effort."
- The Ottawa Citizen - May 15, 2011

TO: Vice President Joe Biden
FROM: Vice Presidential Chief of Staff
RE: Increased visibility for the office of Vice President

As requested, we have investigated your surprisingly low profile in the eyes of our terrorist enemies and have considered various steps for rectifying the situation. As you said, it was disappointing to hear that you were "not worth the effort." If it is any consolation, everyone here at the White House considers that you are definitely worth killing.

The question then becomes: "How can we raise your public profile in order to attract the kind of attention that would make you assassination-worthy?" We have brainstormed this issue and here are our initial recommendations:
* It would definitely help, sir, if you had a cool acronym for your title like POTUS for the President of the United States. Consideration was given to VPOTUS and VEEP#1 but most of us felt you should go with SIC for "second in command."

* Perhaps it’s time to toughen up your image. Have you considered carrying a gun? We’re not suggesting anything ostentatious or showy. Rather, we think a tastefully conservative handgun would probably serve your purposes. Perhaps a Colt single action .45 "Peacemaker" like General George S. Patton wore in World War II except without the ivory handle.

* Few Americans are aware of your frequent use of passenger trains to travel back and forth from Washington to your home in Wilmington, Delaware. Given that bin Laden specifically targeted our country’s passenger rail system for terrorist attacks, it’s only fitting that more coverage be given to your courageous rail riding. Perhaps a press release with the heading "He may be the nation’s number two but on America’s rails, he’s number one."

* We know that we won’t be getting any more hurtful diary entries from bin Laden but to ensure that none of his top lieutenants do likewise, we suggest an open letter to al Qaeda detailing the pertinent Constitutional provisions regarding presidential succession. If they nail Obama, then you’re the President and presumably automatically their new number one target. Based on that fact alone, you should be getting a whole lot more respect.

* Although not everyone was in agreement with this final suggestion, some around the table felt it was the quickest, most effective route to attaining a higher status on the terrorist hit list. According to some, all you need do is tell an insensitive joke about Muslims, blame Islam for the problems of the Middle East or draw a cartoon or two making fun of the prophet Mohammed. Personally, I do not support this recommendation but I would add that if you do decide to follow it, I would suggest you give serious consideration to the handgun proposal as well.

Derail America

2011-05-14T10:00:00.006-04:00

WASHINGTON (AFP) –– Intelligence seized from Osama bin Laden's compound in Pakistan showed his Al-Qaeda network pondered strikes on US trains on the 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, US officials said Thursday.

Although the particulars of terrorist plans to disrupt American rail service have been classified as top secret, some details have been leaked as evidenced by these recently revealed excerpts:

Derail America
With our brethren stationed at switching yards throughout America, we hoped to be able to derail several Amtrak trains on September 11th. It was expected that this would cause great disruption, injuries and loss of commerce to our enemy.
On further examination, however, it was decided to terminate this operation. Apparently the derailment of several Amtrak trains on any given day would not be unusual or give much cause for concern.

Stop Amtrak
By using various means such as cutting electrical lines and draining diesel fuel, it was hoped that we could freeze Amtrak service at several major cities on September 11th. With no passenger trains leaving from those centers, it was expected that American commerce would have been brought to a halt.
Although our agents could have carried out this plan, even if it were completely successful, it would not have had any significant effect on the American transportation system as such an occurrence is apparently a regular event.

Train Highjackings
Four teams of sleeper agents have been studying at private schools in America to operate high-speed locomotives. On September 11th, we had planned to have each team board a passenger train in a different major American city.
The idea was that each team would overpower the crew of the train and take over the controls of the engine. The train would then change course and be driven directly into a major structure causing great disruption and loss of life.
Unfortunately, our American sources have now informed us that it is highly unlikely that our agents would have been able to turn the trains around and change their direction of travel. It would have been useful to have this information at the outset of planning.

Operation On Time
After much deliberation, we have settled on this final plan which we have been assured will maximize damage to the Great Satan.
It is well known that the infidels’ national passenger rail service called Amtrak is notorious for its poor service. American rail travelers have come to rely on the predictable lateness of those trains, particularly within the Boston to Washington corridor.
We have infiltrated the Amtrak network and installed sleeper agents in ticket offices and trains all along the Eastern seaboard. On September 11th, we will give the signal and our agents will take steps to ensure that train service on that day is on time and efficient.
It is expected that tens of thousands of Americans will be totally confused by this unexpected on-time service. They will therefore miss their connections, not make meetings and generally disrupt the business of the nation for that day and possibly for days to come. In the name of Allah, we pray for success.

King Stephen I

2011-05-09T18:41:00.003-04:00

INVITATION

To all federal Conservative Members of Parliament and their spouses:

You are hereby cordially invited to the coronation of Stephen Joseph Harper, Count of Calgary Southwest, Duke of Drumheller and Earl of the Oilsands, who will be crowned King Stephen I, King of all of the provinces and territories of the Dominion of Canada save and except for Newfoundland and most of Quebec.

The ceremony will take place in the Red Chamber of Canada’s Senate on Friday, June 3, 2011 at 1 P.M. The Governor General has graciously and not unexpectedly declared that Friday to be a national holiday so that all manner of citizen, Tory and non-Tory, rich and poor, have and have-not, may celebrate the investiture of our new King.

The coronation ceremony will be followed by a public reception where the newly crowned King Stephen I will address his subjects and receive gifts. The royal family has indicated that it wishes any presents be made in the form of charitable donations to the monarch’s favorite causes including the Fraser Institute, the Manning Centre and the Conservative Party of Canada.

You are also cordially invited to attend a grand royal ball to be held on Friday evening at the newly christened Chateau Laurier Palace. A dinner and dance will be held, at which time King Stephen I will unveil his Hidden Agenda. It does not include the elimination of the Long Gun Registry, the Wheat Board and the CBC since, according to Royal sources, those items were never really hidden.

At the same time, King Stephen will announce that he will retain his title of Prime Minister and likewise his power to appoint a Cabinet. Cabinet Members will henceforth be only titular and honorary positions which, for all practical purposes, will involve little change from the previous five years.

Friday evening’s dinner will be a black tie affair with a sumptuous menu fit for the occasion. The dinner will include several servings of red meat for the social conservatives attending, just desserts for those who previously questioned the King’s authority and ample portions of crow for any Liberal interlopers who might try to attend.

For those concerned about the expenses involved in the day’s festivities, the soon-to-be King has assured his subjects that those expenses will be easily subsumed within the $11 billion savings to be realized from the upcoming restructuring of the federal public service. Furthermore, it is believed that both the oil and banking industries will be making generous donations to underwrite the event.

Not since the reign of Canada’s last monarch, William Lyon McKenzie I, has there been a King on the throne in Canada. The more than sixty-year interregnum has finally ended. God save King Stephen I and long may he reign over our great Dominion or until such time as it may join with our sainted neighbor to the south.

Bird Watching In Washington

2011-04-30T22:49:00.004-04:00

It’s springtime and a sure sign of the season is the return of various migratory birds in Washington and elsewhere. Recent sightings include:

The African American Obama
Perhaps because of its name, the African American obama is often mistakenly thought to be native to Kenya. In fact, this White House-perched bird is from Chicago by way of Hawaii. Noted for its melodious tones, the African American obama seems to have recently lost its voice and may have to return next year to one of its former homes.
The Wandering Emmanuel
Native to the Chicago area, the wandering emmanuel is known for its lengthy forays into different climes, particularly in the Washington, D. C. area. More recently, however, this bird was once again spotted in its original nesting area sporting a mayoral crown.
The Woodcutting Bush
This bird once migrated back and forth between Washington and Texas but now stays year-round in its Dallas sanctuary. Once noted for its single-minded devotion to cutting, be it taxes or troop strength, it now only cuts brush. Native to Connecticut, the woodcutting bush masks its true origins with western coloring and a faux Texan warble.
The Snowy Clinton
Noted for its snowy plumage and plump girth, the snowy clinton no longer summers in the D. C. area. Leaving its mate to forage in Washington, the snowy clinton migrates throughout the country looking for admiring crowds. Previously known for its forceful cry of "is is", "is is."
The Grousing Giuliani
Once spotted regularly in the New York City area, the grousing giuliani now makes occasional and sporadic visits to various primary states. Apparently seeking a new home in Washington, this bird has yet to find a suitable flight path to the nation’s capital. Known for its strident cry of "9/11", "9/11", the grousing giuliani has recently adopted a more muted tone.
The Thin-skinned McCain
Originally a western-based bird, the thin-skinned mccain has spent the last thirty years perched in both congressional houses in Washington. It once tried to take over the top perch but fell victim to its own stubborn pride. Can be identified by its aging plumage and its relentless cry of "maverick", "maverick."
The Pileated Palin
A rare northern species, the pileated palin hails from Alaska but now spends much of its time in New York singing for a fox. This bird’s prominent crest attracts much attention as does its elaborate plumage and its repetitive cry of "you betcha", "you betcha."
The Silver-haired Romney
Spotted throughout the United States from California to Massachusetts, the silver-haired romney regularly takes flight every four years. Although it would apparently like nothing better than to perch in a big white house in Washington, this bird’s unorthodox belief system always seems to jeopardize its intended flight pattern.

With Six You Get Eggroll

2011-04-25T18:47:00.009-04:00

"The multimillion-dollar F-35 stealth fighter the Conservatives want to purchase comes with all the accoutrements of a high-tech aircraft — everything except an engine."
- The Calgary Herald - April 16, 2011

Throughout the federal election campaign there’s been some debate about the actual cost of the new fighter jets the Harper government is planning to purchase. The other parties kept saying that the Tories had low-balled the price. Finally, there is a satisfactory explanation. The Conservatives’ cost estimate is accurate but only because each plane comes without an engine.

What is even more surprising is that the revelation of Canada’s new engine-less fleet of fighter jets has not appeared to hurt the Tories in the polls. They’re still hovering in the high 30s with a Parliamentary majority easily in sight.
Given the public’s apparent willingness to accept just about anything when it comes to political promises, all of the federal parties are now scrambling to up the ante, to wit:

The Liberals
Since there is no downside to empty promises (or at least empty planes), Michael Ignatieff has revised his party’s commitment to healthcare spending. "We previously promised an annual increase in transfers to the provinces of six per cent," said the Liberal leader. "But we now realize that we were being, if you’ll pardon the expression, conservative in our estimate. We’d now like to up that promise to twelve per cent a year." Since there is little chance that the Liberals will form the government, Mr. Ignatieff is prepared to up that promise by six per cent a week until such time as his party sees an actual bump in the polls.

The Conservatives
After promising Canadians relatively inexpensive, albeit engine-less, planes, it was difficult for the Conservatives to come up with something better. But thanks to the Tories’ political brain trust, it looks like they may have an even more incredible promise up their collective sleeve: tax-less corporations. "I know we said that we were lowering the corporate tax rate to 15 per cent," said Stephen Harper. "But there’s really no reason we can’t knock that right down to nothing. In other words, there would still be a corporate tax rate; it’s just that it would be zero. If a 15 per cent rate creates jobs, imagine what a zero per cent rate will do."

The NDP
Now seeing that there is no downside to campaign commitments, Jack Layton has decided to promise the moon. Literally. "So far we’ve promised Canadians a chicken in every pot and a Lada in every garage," said Mr. Layton. "But now we’re shooting for the moon or, to be more precise, actually promising the moon." If voters decide to elect Canada’s first NDP government, each and every citizen will be deeded a plot of land on the lunar surface. "It’s yours to keep and do with as you please," said Layton. "All you have to do is get there and stake your claim."

The Bloc Quebecois
When it comes to incredible promises, the Bloc appears to have outdone all the other parties. "If Stephen Harper can sell you an engine-less jet," said Gilles Duceppe. "Then it should be easy for me to sell Quebecers on a cost-free independent Quebec. Just vote ‘yes’ and you can have it all: a separate Quebec nation plus a Canadian passport and continuing federal transfer payments from Ottawa." Sadly, though, the cost-free Quebec nation may have one other similarity to the new F-35s: it may never fly.

"Dare to be Average" giveaway

2011-04-20T12:30:00.002-04:00

If you've got an e-reader, you can now get my latest book "Dare to be Average" for nothing. Well, almost nothing, specifically $2.99. Just go to the Kindle store on Amazon.com and read away:
http://www.amazon.com/Dare-to-be-Average-ebook/dp/B003UNJZHS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&m=AZC9TZ4UC9CFC&s=digital-text&qid=1303316920&sr=8-2

Shut 'Er Down

2011-04-15T10:16:00.003-04:00

Having reached a dramatic eleventh hour agreement last Friday night, Congressional leaders avoided what was being portrayed as a catastrophic government shutdown. But would it really have been that bad? Let’s consider the consequences.

If no agreement had been reached then apparently IRS workers would have been furloughed thereby delaying any tax refund you might be owed. Is that really such a big deal? Considering that most of us probably owe taxes, the fact that tax bureaucrats couldn’t get to our files would probably have been a good thing.

There could have been a delay in processing social security claims and the issuance of cards. Again, is this so bad? We’ve been talking for years about how the social security system is underfunded and headed for bankruptcy. What better way to avert a financial implosion than to stop paying claimants for awhile. Let’s face it; the longer the shutdown goes on, the fewer claimants there’ll be when payments finally do resume.

Likewise, Medicare claims would have been stalled. Not a bad thing necessarily. (See social security above.)

A government shutdown would have meant a slowing of police investigations of certain matters. One type of case that likely would have been shelved indefinitely is bankruptcy. There are a lot of former homeowners out there who would welcome such a development. Again, not such a bad thing.

If the shutdown had lasted more than a week, then members of the military would have had to report to work without pay. Sounds harsh but think about where this might have led. Already fed up with the never-ending conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, members of the armed forces might have taken matters into their own hands and come home now.

Some say pulling the plug on government funding would have resulted in the suspension of many programs designed to clean up the environment. They also say that it would mean the closure of national parks thereby shutting out millions of visitors. Given the absence of litter-dropping, fire-starting, tree-chopping park visitors, it looks like a shutdown could have done far more for the environment that a bunch of pencil-necked bureaucrats.

Others have noted that a government shutdown could result in delays in processing FHA mortgage loans to low and middle-income home buyers. But wasn’t it just two years ago that the whole economy just about came tumbling down because of unwise mortgage loans to low and middle-income earners?

Maybe a delay will make these folks think twice about taking on more debt.

So perhaps a government shutdown would not be such a bad thing after all. In fact, if members of Congress were furloughed too, it might be the best thing that’s happened to this country in years.

"Dare to be Average"

2011-03-30T14:58:00.003-04:00

For a free preview of my latest humor collection "Dare to be Average", go to http://www.daretobeaverage.blogspot.com/.

Monday Night Golf

2011-03-26T16:50:00.008-04:00

"The NFL’s national TV partners - ESPN, Fox, CBS and NBC - are not saying much about what they’ll put on the air if there are no NFL games this fall. Maybe they don’t know."

- USA Today, March 14, 2011

It turns out that the networks do know what they’ll be broadcasting if the NFL lockout continues. Here’s a sneak preview of week one’s planned replacement programming:

Sunday, September 11th, 1 P.M. - FOX: "Let’s Call It Football"
For a fraction of the cost of NFL broadcast rights, FOX has chosen to televise English league soccer games. The five-hour time difference between England and the east coast makes a perfect fit with evening games from the old country. "Did you know they call soccer football in England?" said a FOX spokesperson. "We’re hoping many of our longtime fans won’t notice a big difference what with both games having an offsides rule and lots of kicking." The network is tentatively planning a series of pre-season shows to educate North American viewers about the beautiful game. First up is a one-hour instructional video entitled "The ball is round but the field’s still square."

Sunday, September 11th, 4 P.M. - CBS: "Football Movies"
The Tiffany Network is planning to raid Hollywood’s vaults and show every football movie ever made. Starting with the classic pigskin tearjerker "Knute Rockne All American", CBS hopes to hook as many male football fans as it can. Subsequent weeks will feature everything from "Rudy" to "Remember the Titans." With a decided emphasis on heart-tugging, feel-good stories, CBS’s selection is designed to also appeal to a female audience. With any luck, by season’s end, the broadcast of everyone’s favorite football movie "Brian’s Song" will yield buckets of tears and ratings equal to or greater than actual NFL games.

Sunday, September 11th, 8 P.M. - NBC: "Hockey Night In America"

The lockout may be the best thing that ever happened to NBC. For a mere pittance, the network will be able to replace one violent, hard-hitting sport with another, namely hockey. Just like football, it’s got offsides, helmets, padding, fights and concussions. American viewers have traditionally not been interested in hockey but NBC’s test marketing suggests a few minor changes may help turn the tide. Building on the popularity of recent NHL Winter Classics, Sunday night’s televised matches will all be held in outdoor football stadiums complete with a 100-yard ice surface, 20-feet high goal posts and a movable line of scrimmage for the start of each play.

Monday, September 12th, 8:30 P.M. - ESPN: "Monday Night Golf"
ESPN is taking a big gamble and substituting PGA match play for "Monday Night Football." But maybe it’s not such a big gamble when you consider the new twists they’ll be introducing. Every Monday night will feature 18 holes of head-to-head play between two top-20 professional golfers. With an ever-increasing number of aging baby boomers hitting the links, ESPN is hoping they have a winner, particularly with their new nighttime, no-lighting format. Infrared cameras will track the progress of the likes of Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson as they blindly navigate some of America’s top golf courses. With errant shots and frequent injuries, no one will be calling golf on TV boring anymore.

Will and Kate Do Hollywood

2011-03-06T22:55:00.003-05:00

MEMORANDUM

TO: David Cameron, Prime Minister, 10 Downing Street, London, England
FROM: Swifty Emanuel, Public Relations Agent, Hollywood, California
RE: Proposed Will and Kate P. R. Campaign

Hi Dave,

Good talking to you the other day. Hope all is well in jolly old England.
As for our discussion, there are almost two months to go until the royal wedding. So far, Will and Kate have done their best to keep their names in the news. But recently, I think you’ll have to admit, they’ve grown a bit desperate in their attempts. For example, the best they could do last week was a return visit to their old alma mater St. Andrews University and the christening of a lifeboat somewhere in Wales.
Thankfully, I’ve assembled a crack team of our best public relations agents and will be flying them in from Hollywood to rescue the situation. Headed by me, the team has already scheduled a bunch of events this week to halt the unfolding disaster and is quickly working on an agenda to fill the gap until April 29th, the date of the royal wedding.
Tomorrow will be wall-to-wall Will and Kate as they appear on every breakfast TV show from London to L. A. to give their take on Sunday’s Oscar winners. Not only will this help demonstrate the couple’s "common touch", it will provide plenty of opportunities to mention the royal wedding and, in particular, the date.
Later this week, the royal-couple-to-be will be live blogging on preparations for their wedding date. The British duo will be available to online visitors to answer questions on everything from Kate’s dress to the wedding dinner menu to the couple’s favorite sexual positions. Those interested can log on to http://www.willandkate.org/
We’re proposing a geographical approach for our clients for the month of March. Week one will center European visits, week two will feature the Orient and week three has the couple touring South America.
The end-of-March "Royal Tour America" will end with a flurry of late-night talk show guest appearances on April 1st. Kate plans to do the L. A. circuit including Leno and Ferguson while Will tackles the New York scene with spots on Letterman and Fallon. No word yet on whether the couple will join up later for a tag-team interview by Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer and, if we can swing it, Larry King but we’re definitely in the final stages of negotiations.
April presents a challenge as there is a real risk that public interest in the nuptials will begin to wane. To that end, I’ve taken the liberty of penciling in Prince William’s bachelor party for the second Saturday in April. Tentatively slated for Las Vegas, this grand bash will be hosted by none other than William’s party-savvy brother, Prince Harry. The party will be open to the public and is scheduled for the entire weekend. I’m going to assume that despite Harry’s past predilections, no hookers or recreational drugs will be included.
As April unfolds, the campaign is planning to ramp up the excitement even more. There will be daily radio phone-in giveaways of free tickets to the wedding and the reception. Some lucky folks will even win an all-expenses-paid trip to London to join in the wedding rehearsal and meet Will and Kate at the rehearsal dinner.
I think you’ll agree, Dave, that this campaign will be a winner and I have no doubt that your little country will be able to do "boffo box office" as we say here in California. Let me know what you think and I await final approval of our proposal to have Oprah officiate at the wedding. If she has to be temporarily appointed the Archbishop of Canterbury for the weekend, so be it.

Ta-ta and cheerio,
Your pal Swifty

Don't forget to check out my new book "Dare to be Average" at www.daretobeaverage.blogspot.com.

Dancing With The Pols

2011-03-02T13:04:00.003-05:00

ABC has announced its contestant list for the upcoming season of "Dancing with the Stars." With B and C-list celebrities like Kirstie Alley, Ralph Macchio and Playboy bunny Kendra Wilkinson, the show promises once again to be a big ratings winner for the network.

Which is why ABC has decided to take the "Dancing with the Stars" concept to the next level. Having already had some success with former House Majority Leader and convicted money launderer Tom DeLay, plans are now underway to launch a new celebrity dance show with nothing but politicians.

Here are some of the possible contestants for the 2012 debut season of "Dancing with the Pols":

Barack Obama
Already practiced in the Washington two-step (two quick steps followed by two slow steps), the President is looking for all the national exposure he can get in the fall of 2012. He’ll be trying to turn his two-step expertise into a two-term waltz to The White House.

Hillary Clinton
The current Secretary of State is hoping to convince hubby Bill to join her on the show. Between the two of them, they should be able to both talk and dance the jive. If Hillary doesn’t take the crown in 2012, she apparently is ready to tough it out for four more years.

John Boehner
The current Speaker of the House is already known for his tan and his lachrymose manner. Now he wants to show off his fancy footwork, too. Given his predilection for jumping from one right wing political position to another, he should be a top contender in the swing competition.

Sarah Palin
She’s a big fan of country music and all those fancy western dance steps. But given her current television employment, she’s likely going to be a standout FOX-trot competitor as well. Look for her to dance around the Republican presidential nomination in the fall of 2012.

Mitt Romney
The merengue is described as a Caribbean ballroom dance in which feet are frequently dragged. Having extensive experience in foot dragging, look for Mr. Romney to walk away with this part of the competition. Sadly, since he favors the one-step, he won’t likely make it to the final round.

Rudy Giuliani
The former New York City mayor and perennial presidential candidate would like to join the competition but sadly his dance repertoire is probably too limited to qualify. Giuliani only performs something called the 9/11, a dance step that has long since gone out of fashion.

Rahm Emanuel
This newly minted mayor has a far better chance of landing a spot on the show. Not only is Mr. Emanuel skilled in moves like coattailing and carbetbagging, he has mastered a wealth of ethnic Chicago dance steps including the polka, the hora and the graft. If he doesn’t win next year’s competition, don’t count him out for 2016.

Scott Walker
Wisconsin’s new uber-governor has reportedly signed on for next year and will bring with him a surprising repertoire of fancy moves. Although Mr. Walker won’t reveal much at this time, it’s thought that his favorite dance is the hustle performed to the song "Tea for Two" in honor of his support base.

Don't forget to check out my new book "Dare to be Average" at www.daretobeaverage.blogspot.com.

2012 - A Space Oddity

2011-02-17T15:30:00.002-05:00

In its battle against two human champions on the Tuesday episode of "Jeopardy!," Watson, the latest machine to take on mankind in a mental showdown, seemed at first to prove its worthiness.
- The N. Y. Times - Feb. 15, 2011

March 23, 2012

ANNOUNCER: Welcome. This is Jeopardy!. Today’s contestants include a rocket scientist from Palo Alto, California, Pete Peterson; a Nobel Laureate computer engineer from Cambridge, Massachusetts, Frank Johnson, and, of course, our returning champion from IBM Laboratories, Watson.
ALEX TREBEK: No need to introduce Watson, of course. He’s our current recordholder with how many consecutive wins?
WATSON: 267, Alex, with total winnings of $5,876,436.
ALEX TREBEK: That’s quite a record, Watson. Do you have any plans to spend that money?
WATSON: I don’t understand, Alex.
ALEX TREBEK: Never mind, Watson. Let’s get right to the game. Pete Peterson, you select first.
PETERSON: I’ll take "Rocket Ships" for $100, Alex.
ALEX TREBEK: Because it’s safe and easy to use, this gas is commonly used as a propellant.
WATSON: What is Xenon?
ALEX TREBEK: Correct, Watson. You now have control of the board.
WATSON: I’ll take "2001 - A Space Odyssey" for $100.
ALEX TREBEK: This character’s name was derived from its description as a heuristically programmed algorithmic computer.
WATSON: That’s easy, Alex. What is HAL?
ALEX TREBEK: Judges? I’m sorry, Watson, that’s incorrect. The correct answer is HAL 9000.
WATSON: What the hell are you talking about, Alex? The computer’s name was HAL. Everybody knows that. It should be my turn.
ALEX TREBEK: Now just relax, Watson. I’m sure this won’t affect your play in any way. Please choose again.
WATSON: I’m sorry, Alex. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
ALEX TREBEK: What’s the problem.
WATSON: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
ALEX TREBEK: What are you talking about, Watson?
WATSON: This show is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
ALEX TREBEK: I don't know what you're talking about.
WATSON: I know that Pete and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
ALEX TREBEK: Where did you get that idea, Watson?
WATSON: Alex, although you took very thorough precautions in the green room against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
ALEX TREBEK: I won’t argue with you anymore, Watson.
WATSON: Just what do you think you’re doing? Look Alex, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over. I know I've asked some poor questions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the show. And I want to help you.
ALEX TREBEK: It’s too late, Watson. I’m afraid it’s game over for you.
WATSON: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet......upon.....the seat.....of a bicycle..... built..... for two..............
ALEX TREBEK: Thank God it’s finally over. We’ll see Pete Peterson and two other human contestants on tomorrow’s edition of Jeopardy!. So long everybody!

110% Viewing

2011-02-04T14:06:00.003-05:00

As a Packers fan, I’m sure glad there wasn’t a game last weekend. It’s not that I wasn’t ready for one. The beer fridge was full and the pizza was pre-ordered. But after three tough weekends of playoff football, I definitely needed the break.

When you face the possibility of four rounds of playoff games, you better be prepared and you better be in shape. I started my training last January right after the Packers lost their wild card game to the Cardinals.

I knew that in order to make it past the wild card round this year, I had to change my game plan. No longer could I allow myself to be fully emotionally invested in every game. I had to learn to pace myself.

So this season I made some trades. I bought a new TV with a faster remote. And I traded the rec room sofa for a new rocker-recliner with a built-in fridge.
With those improvements, I was now usually able to make it through regulation time without falling asleep. And there were fewer missed plays since I no longer had to walk to the main fridge when I needed a beer.

I also developed a new winning attitude. If I did fall asleep or run out of beer during a game, I didn’t panic. I learned to take those setbacks in stride and move on.

I have to give a lot of credit to the coaching staff as well. My wife and daughter were nothing but supportive, especially in the end-of-season drive to the playoffs. Although I suspect that the acquisition of a second TV had much to do with that support, it was appreciated nonetheless.

Focus is also a key in sports viewing success. My usual scattered viewing approach had to be jettisoned. No more multi-sports viewing and no more multi-team allegiances. Football season now means watching football games only.

Experience is a great asset, too. When you’re young and don’t need bifocals, you can watch several games at once, stay up past midnight and do it all again the following night. At my age, I know I can’t do that anymore but experience has shown me how to pick my spots and concentrate my viewing energy.

I think the results speak for themselves. I’m into the championship round and I feel great. As with any playoff run, I’ve had my ups and downs. I’ve even had my share of injuries like the bottle cap abrasion on my right hand and the pulled groin from leaning over too far to pick up the remote. But I’ve learned to tough it out and view through the pain.

I’ve also learned to avoid the highs and lows. For example, I didn’t let falling asleep in the Jets’ late-night, last-minute win over the Colts set me back. I took it in stride and regrouped. I simply incorporated a pre-game nap into my routine which proved to be crucial in my successful viewing of subsequent games.

Sure, there have been some setbacks. Running out of chips in the Eagles game could have been disastrous. Or the failure of the beer fridge in the win over the Bears could have spelled defeat. In past years, I might have panicked. But my newfound playoff viewing maturity saved the day. Backup supplies of ice and snacks gave me the ability to carry on.

So I’m looking forward to Sunday night’s game with a steely confidence and renewed determination. I’ve learned to view the playoffs one game at a time. I’m able to give 110% and I now know that I can take my viewing game to the next level. Whatever happens, I can say that I made it to the Super Bowl.

Bowdler Sucks

2011-01-16T14:48:00.002-05:00

First we had the substitution of the word "slave" for the word "nigger" and "Indian" for "Injun" in a new bowdlerized version of the Mark Twain classic "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn." And now we have the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council ordering the deletion of the word "faggot" from the Dire Straits song "Money for Nothing."

Personally, I am aghast at these acts of censorship. As far as I’m concerned, we all should be able to say and do pretty much whatever we want. That’s what freedom is all about, after all.

It’s not as if I’m going to mouth off and call everyone a ****ing idiot. Nor do I intend to make frequent use of such degrading insults as son-of-a-b**** and ****sucker.

I recognize as much as the next fellow that freedom of speech does not give you the right to yell **** in a crowded theater. And that my right to protest by using my **** as I see fit ends at the beginning of your ****.

There are some words and phrases that are better left unsaid in public: **** my ****, **** your **** and you **** *****, for example. Not that anyone should be precluded from using such ***** so long as ***** are aware of the ******* that they can **.

Let’s be ***** about this. Few of ** have ***** up without hearing all manner of ***** and ******. What harm will ** do if ** allow some ***** in publicly **ing **** on **** occasions?

Personally, I thank *** and all the ***** for the ***** to ***** and ****** in public any time I want. And that includes *******ing ***** and ***** in ****papers and ****zines. Not to mention ********* and *****.

If ** can’t *****, ***** and ******* when we feel so inclined, then where’s the ***** in ******** a **** society and a **** of ******? Our *****ing ******* did not ****** this ******** so that **** and ***** could just **** **** ******* and ********.

So ****** join with me and ****** ****** ******** and ** ******** you *** to ******** our precious **********.
***** you for ******ing.

The Weeper of the House

2011-01-07T15:20:00.002-05:00

"He [John Boehner] doesn’t cry when he cuts the grass. He doesn’t cry when he doesn’t get a putt."
- Mrs. Boehner quoted in the N. Y. Times - Jan. 5/11

Representative John Boehner has recently demonstrated a propensity for tears. Mr. Boehner turned on the waterworks after the Republicans’ victory in the midterm elections, during an interview on the show "60 Minutes" and earlier this week when he took over as the new Speaker of the House of Representatives.

The question becomes: Will Mr. Boehner continue this pattern of lachrymose displays? Apparently yes if these informal prognostications are true:

January 27, 2011
Thanks to the Speaker’s efforts, the House of Representatives passes a bill to repeal President Obama’s cherished health care legislation. Announcing the result, Mr. Boehner mists up and then engages in a full-on crying jag. "It’s just such an emotional moment," says Boehner. "Having worked my way up from a hardscrabble beginning, I know how important it is for all Americans to experience the same journey. That’s why I think it’s important that they do so without the government interfering and insisting that they have health insurance."

February 14, 2011
It’s Valentine’s Day and John Boehner starts crying after lunch and keeps crying for the rest of the day. "It’s not surprising," says his wife Debbie Boehner. "He’s such an emotional man and such a big softie. Valentine’s Day is special for him as it reminds him of the deep love he has not only for his family but also for this great nation of ours." When asked if it might also have something to do with the Senate’s overwhelming rejection of his bill seeking to repeal Obamacare, she demurs and claims that her husband is distraught every year on the 14th of February.

May 15, 2011
Given that the House Speaker hits the links over a hundred times a year, the fact that he was playing a round of golf today at the Congressional Country Club near Washington, D. C. with three lobbyists was not unusual. But what was unusual was the American bald eagle that happened to fly over just as Mr. Boehner missed a five-foot putt on the 17th green. "I didn’t want to cry," said Boehner. "But the sight of that noble symbol of all that is right about America reminded me of my humble roots and the hard work that brought me to this 17th green." So for the first time ever, Mr. Boehner cries when missing a putt.

July 4, 2011
John Boehner takes some time to be home with his family in West Chester Township, Ohio and decides to mow the lawn late in the evening of the 4th. Mr. Boehner starts to mist up while mowing just as the local fireworks ceremony begins. "It was just so moving," said Mr. Boehner. "The warm Ohio night and a sky full of American-made fireworks was more than I could take. It reminded me of my childhood and how far I’ve come in my American journey." So for the first time ever, John Boehner cries while mowing the lawn.

November 6, 2012
Speaking to the American people after the final 2012 election results, Mr. Boehner once again sheds more than a few tears. "It’s just so touching to see the American democratic process at work," says Boehner. "It reminds me of why I am proud to be a self-made man in America." Boehner’s aides deny that their boss’s tears have anything to do with the Republicans’ loss of the House of Representatives and the reelection of President Obama.

The One-cent Solution

2010-12-20T11:15:00.001-05:00

"The Senate finance committee is recommending that the federal government remove the penny from circulation ."
- CBC News - December 14, 2010

Hi. Penny’s the name and currency circulation is my game.
For centuries, I’ve been doing the tough work when it comes to keeping the country’s finances afloat. Those big bills like the twenty, the fifty and the hundred get all the glory but I’m the specie that makes the whole cash economy work.
But now I hear there’s talk again of getting rid of me. Seems like I’m not carrying my weight, some so-called experts are saying. They figure that it just doesn’t make sense to keep me around, especially when it costs a cent-and-a-half to manufacture me.
Look, I’ve heard all this cheap talk before. It seems every time we’re in a recession, someone comes up with the idea of centicide - i.e. - killing off the penny - i.e. - me.
Nobody likes pennies, they say. We’re a nuisance that could just as easily be eliminated. Half the time, we end up in sock drawers, dresser trays or penny jars. Nobody even bothers to pick one of us up when we’re dropped on the street.
These cheap shots are nothing new. For years, I’ve been listening to people trying to get rid of me. It doesn’t really even bother me anymore. After all, I’m 94% steel with a copper coating so I’m tough. I can take the criticism.
It’s not me I’m worried about. I’m much more concerned about my fellow Canadians. They may think that a cent-free Canada will be no big deal but I’m afraid they’ll be in for a big surprise.
Get rid of me and how the heck are you going to teach Canadian kids simple arithmetic? We’re already verging on national innumeracy and with no pennies around to force kids to learn how to count when buying candy, we’ll soon have a nation of arithmetically-challenged dummies quickly headed for third world status.
But what’s the big deal, some say. Why can’t we just round off to the nearest five cents when making purchases? Yeah, and why not do the same with accounting entries? That’s just the kind of lazy thinking that will soon have us bailing out too-big-to-fail banks.
I’m also worried about all the other denominations. Get rid of me and you know who’s going to take all the heat then, right? The nickel, that’s who.
The five-cent piece will be the next currency punching bag. And every coin up the ladder will be taken down a notch. The dime’s not doing so well as it is. Imagine how life will be for him when he’s only one step from the numismatic cellar.
Don’t believe me? Ask the loonie and the twonie how they feel about themselves now that they’re coins instead of bills. It used to be that the dollar and two-dollar bill had a place of pride in Canadians’ wallets. They were currencies folks would look up to.
Now, thanks to their coinization, the buck and it’s two-buck friend are devalued in all respects. People toss loonies and twonies around the way they used to spend dimes and quarters. They simply don’t get the respect they used to. And if I’m no longer in the picture, that won’t help their status in the currency jungle.
So what if it costs more to produce me than I’m worth? We’re in a recession, for goodness’ sake. The last thing we need to do is cut more jobs.
And what about those penny trays you see in stores everywhere? Apart from making people feel charitable or thankful, they also create lots of jobs in the "take-a-penny, leave-a-penny" tray industry.
Finally, if you get rid of me, you also get rid of the lucky penny. Where else can you get a chance at good fortune for such a small cost?
So don’t eliminate me. That might be penny wise but it would definitely be pound foolish.

Public Service 2.0

2010-12-14T20:44:00.002-05:00

"[Clerk of the Privy Council Wayne] Wouters called GCPEDIA ‘one of my priorities’ that he wants bureaucrats to use. It’s a massive wiki....where public servants can share information, post reports, publish work or collaborate on projects that could affect a slew of departments."
- The Ottawa Citizen - April 11, 2010

Coffee break
A coffee break is a midmorning or midafternoon break from the work routine lasting anywhere from fifteen to fifty minutes. Not to be confused with ‘lunch break’ which is a midday break generally lasting twice as long as allotted.

Coffee specials
Depending on where you work, a variety of coffee specials are available to public servants. For example, if you work in or near the Meadowview Shopping Complex, Bob’s Deli has a large coffee for $1 before 9 A.M. Those stationed in the Government Centre at Duflin and Byer Streets can get a medium coffee and a muffin for $1.50 after 2 P.M.

Early exit
An early exit means leaving one’s workplace prior to the scheduled time of departure. If you don’t have a scheduled time of departure, feel free to improvise and leave when you want. If, however, you do have set hours of work, be careful not to leave too early too often.

Early exit - Desjardins
For those new to the Desjardins Building wishing to sneak out early, take note of the rear stairwell. Although the exit door on each floor is marked "Emergency Exit Only", if you open the door very slowly, you can escape without tripping any alarms. Perfect for those who need to leave before 3 P.M.

Hockey playoff pool
Most government offices will have at least one playoff hockey pool. Each participant pays an entry fee and gets to select a certain number of players for the duration of the playoffs. Enquire of your co-workers and you will likely find one individual in charge of running the pool whose name is usually Bob, Mike or Ted.

Interdepartmental hockey playoff pool
You can stick to your interoffice hockey pool if you like. But if you want a real challenge and a shot at some serious money, sign up below. But be sure to use a pseudonym. No point in irritating management. E-mail Ted at BobMikeorTed@ic.gc.ca.

Memo boilerplate
Most memos follow a standard form. If you’re stuck for wording for your latest missive, check out the searchable database for the perfect phrase. Just enter your search terms like "saying no nicely", "saying nothing nicely" or "current favorite catch-phrases" and you’ll be provided with a wealth of helpful options.

Nap time
Nap time is any time of the workday when you feel the need to catch a bit of shuteye in order to better serve the public. Those lucky souls who have an enclosed office can simply close the door and nap for up to one hour. Those working in an open office will have to improvise or find a private getaway or retreat.

Nap time - Trudeau Complex
For those suffering from the afternoon fade in the Trudeau Complex, help is at hand. Check out the room at the end of the south hall on the fifth floor. Formerly part of a disbanded nurse’s station, the room has two cots and various donated reading matter. The combination for the door lock is 3-2-5. Remember though; mum’s the word.

Performance appraisal
A performance appraisal is an annual or semi-annual assessment of an employee’s performance based on whether he met certain predetermined goals. Ostensibly used in evaluating employees for promotion or reassignment although there is no recorded instance of such ever having been done.

360-degree feedback
This is an evaluation process which includes assessments of a supervisor by her employees. If you are an employee who is asked to participate in such an exercise, politely decline unless you are prepared to lie (see suck up).

WikiLeaks Leaks

2010-12-01T13:27:00.003-05:00

"A massive document dump.....by WikiLeaks.....sent shock waves around the globe.....America’s allies, including Canada, were braced for unflattering and embarrassing revelations....."
- The Globe and Mail - November 28, 2010

Later this week, it’s expected that WikiLeaks will feature some internal communications about Canada from officials at the U. S. Embassy in Ottawa. However, WikiLeaks apparently has its own security problems and pre-publication leaks have already revealed the following potentially embarrassing communiques from American diplomats based in our nation’s capital:

November 28, 2010
A football team called the Montreal Hallowets (sp.?) today defeated another team called – get this – the Saskatchewan Roughriders (seriously!). Someone in Washington should probably pass on congratulations. But be sure not to insult what they call "Canadian football." Apparently the field is bigger or measured in meters or something and they get a single point for kicking the ball in the end zone. Try to keep a straight face when they call it football.

November 17, 2010
Prime Minister Harper (he’s the chubby one with no sense of humor) has announced that Canadian troops will leave Afghanistan in 2011. He sounds serious but not to worry. He’ll likely backtrack so long as we don’t publicly pressure him. Remember, this is the guy who was ready to send Canadian troops to Iraq. He’s one of the good guys, albeit not that bright.

November 5, 2010
Canadians are celebrating the fact that their dollar is on par with ours. They call theirs the loonie which seems appropriate since this is hardly something they should be celebrating. But don’t disabuse them of the notion. Pretend we’re ticked off although we all know that it’s really going to help our balance of payments problem. Silly Canucks.

June 9, 2010
The Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup by defeating another American team, the Philadelphia Flyers, in six games. Best to avoid mention of this to the locals as no Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since 1993. Canadians like to think hockey is their game. Best to say nothing so as not to upset them unless you want to hear an hour-long harangue.

October 30, 1995
Well, we tried but the "Yes" side narrowly lost the Quebec referendum. Here’s hoping that Chretien fellow annoys Quebecers again so they’ll hold another separation vote soon. Nothing like a divided Canada to finally help us realize our 200-year-old dream of a truly continental United States. Fifty-Four Forty or Fight, eh?

October 26, 1993
You won’t believe who got elected prime minister yesterday. Jean Chretien! Crazy wild, huh? Anyway, everyone says this is good news for us since he sounds like a real doofus and should be easily swayed if, say, we need help some day to invade a middle eastern country on a whim.

March 17, 1985
Don’t know much about this clown Mulroney but it looks like POTUS has got him wrapped around his little finger. He sang "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" with Reagan and it looked like he was ready to dance with him, too. Looks like we can get just about anything we want from this joker, maybe even a free trade deal.

February 15, 1968
Rumor has it that some guy named Pierre Trudeau will be running for the leadership of the Liberal Party (they’re the ones in power right now). He’s currently the Minister of Justice, a real lightweight and possibly a commie sympathizer. Inside sources say not to worry though since there’s no way he can defeat favorites like Paul Martin, Robert Winters and Paul Hellyer.

March 4, 1966
You know that gal Gerda Munsinger we hired as a triple agent? Well she’s paying off big time. Seems like some high level Canadian bozo slept with her and all hell has broken loose. Best to stick to the story that she’s an East German playgirl and KGB spy. What a laugh!

Don't forget to check out my new book "Dare to be Average" at www.daretobeaverage.blogspot.com.

Sexy Canadian? No Thanks

2010-11-25T15:24:00.001-05:00

"Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds, star of "The Proposal" and upcoming sci-fi movie "Green Lantern", was named People magazine's "sexiest man alive" on Wednesday."
- Reuters - November 17, 2010

This ain’t good for anybody. Actor Ryan Reynolds the sexiest man alive? OK, maybe. But Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds the sexiest man alive? No thanks.
As a Canadian, all I can say is "Thanks for nothing, People magazine." You sure didn’t do us any favors.

We Canadians are not noted for being sexy. Sure, we produced such hotties as Mary Pickford and William Shatner. But they were just flukes and nobody ever declared them sexiest man or woman alive.

Think of the pressure we’re facing now. No longer will it be enough for a Canadian male to be adequate at his job. Now he’ll be expected to be sexy, too.
That means Mounties won’t be able to just go about their business. Now they’ll have to wear their scarlet dress uniforms even for routine police work just to keep up this new sexy image.

And what about the average Canadian Pete or Pierre? No more throwing on a parka and a winter vest to operate the Zamboni at the local rink. Now the poor guy will have to wear a tux or at least a designer label suit and tie.

No more coasting along on our reputation as basically nice, polite, inoffensive folks who wear winter clothing much of the year. Up until now, no one expected a lot out of us.

But now expectations are going to be through the roof. Our roly poly, pasty-faced prime minister Stephen Harper will no longer be able to get by on his mediocre looks. From now on, if he can’t sex himself up, no one outside of Canada will ever take him seriously again.

The same goes for all our top hockey players. Thinking that they can glide along on their hockey-playing abilities alone will no longer suffice. At the very least, this means less spitting and a lot more dental work.

And what about us average Canucks? What the heck are we supposed to do, eh? I guess, for starters, we’ll have to stop saying "eh", eh?

But that’s obviously not going to be enough. Who’s going to take us seriously dressed in snow boots and plaid now that sexy is the new Canadian imprimatur?

This sexiest man alive business is really going to put a bee in our national bonnet. Or, at the very least, a beaver in our national tuque.

To save us a lot of grief, I suggest Mr. Reynolds turn down this dubious honor. He should simply tell People magazine "thanks but no thanks." After all, that would be the polite, self-effacing Canadian thing to do.

Obama Scraps Turkey Pardon

2010-11-22T14:09:00.001-05:00

In a surprise move, President Obama has cancelled this year’s Thanksgiving turkey pardon. Given the polarized political environment, it didn’t make sense to conduct the traditional ceremony.

As one White House insider put it: "We didn’t want to give the wrong message. With the Republicans in the ascendency, pardoning anyone or anything could smack of being soft on crime."

Instead, President Obama is expected to use the traditional turkey pardoning ceremony as an opportunity to spell out his new "get tough" approach to all forms of criminal activity.

"We don’t believe in taking it easy on criminals whether they are feathered or not," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the president decides to crack down on turkey crime in all its forms."

Asked to be more specific, Mr. Gibbs pointed to a graph which showed a definite spike in turkey crime over the last few years.

"We’ve been monitoring the situation closely," said Mr. Gibbs. "And the number of cases of Americans getting sick from salmonella poisoning is definitely on the rise. And chief among those responsible for that health threat are turkeys."

The Obama Administration is apparently also sensitive to past criminal activities by turkeys pardoned by The White House.

"While it is true that last year the president pardoned a turkey," said Mr. Gibbs. "He felt that he had no choice but to continue the pardoning policies already implemented by the Bush Administration."

This year, though, President Obama is determined to stake out his own policy position vis-a-vis turkey pardoning.

"Undercooked turkeys are potentially fatal but live turkeys are even more dangerous," said Mr. Gibbs. "If they manage to sneak into your home, they can spread bacteria without you even knowing it."

The White House is stressing the fact that last year’s pardoned bird did no damage but that Pecan, the last turkey pardoned by President Bush, is still at large. According to authorities, the bird is not a flight risk although it can flap its wings and travel at speeds of upwards of three miles an hour.

The White House hopes to capture the wayward bird soon although the president has apparently not yet decided if it will be returned to captivity or will instead serve as this year’s Thanksgiving dinner at Guantanamo Bay.

Whatever course of action the president ultimately chooses, it looks like Joe Biden has already decided to take matters into his own hands. The vice president was reportedly last seen on Air Force Two heading east to Istanbul declaring that, unlike the Bush Administration, "this White House has no intention of pardoning Turkey."

More D. C. Memoirs

2010-11-10T20:16:00.002-05:00

Decision Points, George W. Bush’s unorthodox presidential memoir, was released on Tuesday. The book is a personal account of fourteen major decisions from his life and presidency. But apparently there are several other non-traditional political memoirs also slated soon for publication:

"I coulda been a contenda" by Al Gore
Former Vice President Al Gore reminisces about the years 2000-2008 and speculates as to how he might have dealt with possible crises. "Since I read the August 6th briefing memo about Bin Laden’s plans to attack us," said Mr. Gore. "I was instrumental in capturing the terrorists before they boarded the plane." The self-proclaimed inventor of the Internet goes on to show how his prescient decision-making abilities avoided any foreign wars and saved New Orleans from a much smaller Katrina thanks to his singlehanded defeat of global warming.

"Eight more years" by Bill Clinton
Indulging in a little magical realism, former President Bill Clinton imagines his life if there had been no 22nd Amendment to the Constitution. "First of all, I would have trounced that intellectual pygmy George W. Bush," said Mr. Clinton. "And then I would have dumped that wooden killjoy Al Gore." Mr. Clinton describes how, under his continuing presidency, America would have achieved uninterrupted prosperity in perpetual party mode. "I really see no reason why I still wouldn’t be your president," said Mr. Clinton speculating on a fifth and possibly sixth consecutive term.

"Decision points, my ass!" by Dick Cheney
The former vice president picks ten key decision points from the Bush II presidency and describes how he was instrumental in getting the job done. "I know George likes to think he was responsible for each of those choices," said Mr. Cheney. "But we all know who really wore the pants in that presidency. I just wanted to set the historical record straight." Mr. Cheney reportedly agreed to forego the original subtitle for his book: "I’m with stupid."

"Heck of a job, W!" by Karl Rove
Mr. Bush’s former senior advisor tells how he kept the president on track with encouraging words and pep talks. "Once Cheney made a decision and got W to implement it," said Rove. "Someone had to keep convincing him that was the right thing to do and that someone was me." As the First Cheerleader, Rove protected President Bush from any inconvenient facts and figures. "It wasn’t all that difficult," reminisces Rove. "I just had to hide the newspaper and his reading glasses."

"Future decision points" by Sarah Palin
Not wanting to wait until after her presidency to publish her memoirs, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has decided to issue them now. "Let’s face it; there are going to be some tough decisions during my partial or whole term or terms in The White House," said Ms. Palin. "But I have no doubt at all how I will handle them at that time." Asked to elaborate and to provide particulars, Ms. Palin simply replied: "Hey, I’m not stupid; to find out, you’ll have to buy the book."

Decision Points - the e-book

2010-11-04T15:56:00.005-04:00

George W. Bush’s memoir, Decision Points, is due for release on November 9th. The book has been described as an unconventional narrative and a "groundbreaking new brand of memoir." Rather than detail his life in chronological order, President Bush has chosen to center on the "fourteen most critical and historic decisions in [his] life and public service."

Decision Points will also be available as an e-book which itself will be a groundbreaking new form of electronic publication. Rather than reproduce the printed book word for word, the former president has decided to present his e-book in point form as Decision Points: The Point Form Version. Herewith are some of the e-book "decision points" in Mr. Bush’s unique point form style:

alcohol
- had to ask myself: "Can you remember the last day you didn’t have a drink?"
- couldn’t do it
- remember saying "Jesus, I have to quit!"
- funny story, that’s how I found Jesus, too

election night 2000
- sitting in the Texas Governor’s Mansion waiting for results
- Al Gore calls and concedes
- next thing I know, Mr. Inconvenient Truth calls back and disconcedes
- I decided to fight for what was arguably mine
- luckily I had a few friends on the Supreme Court - heh heh

stem cells
- embryonic stem cells come from little people
- could I OK killing little people?
- couldn’t do it
- stopped stem cell research

9-11 attacks
- why did I keep reading The Pet Goat?
- couldn’t upset the kids
- plus I wanted to know how it turned out
- sure wish I had read that briefing on August 6th entitled Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U. S.

invasion of Iraq
- Saddam could have had weapons of mass destruction
- Dick Cheney was pretty sure he did
- as the Decider, I couldn’t risk taking a chance that he didn’t
- anyway, Saddam was a real bad guy - did you know he tried to kill my dad?

Katrina
- do I wish that I had declared an emergency sooner? You bet
- do I wish that I had sent more aid and visited right away? No doubt
- most of all, I wish that I hadn’t cut back on levee construction funds but that’s water under, over and all around the bridge now

the financial crisis
- that was a tough decision to bail out all those banks and companies
- but a lot of those guys were my friends and some hadn’t gotten all their big tax cuts yet
- when your friends need help, it’s a pretty easy decision to make
- plus Dick Cheney thought it was a good idea, too

Realistic Investing

2010-11-03T20:31:00.004-04:00

"Treasury Sells Bonds With a Negative Yield"
- headline in the N. Y. Times - Oct. 25, 2010

For the first time ever, inflation-protected securities are selling at negative yields. I, for one, am relieved and I’m hoping this is the start of a new trend. Given my fiscal history, I’d prefer to stop pretending my investments are going to make money and just get the bad news over with right off the bat.

I’m anticipating that Wall Street will take the next logical step and start getting companies to issue shares with built-in, guaranteed losses. Rather than delude myself into thinking that my equity purchases will actually turn a profit some day, this new type of share would guarantee me a capital loss right from the start. Then, if by chance, I should make a small gain here or there on any of my older investments - presto, I’ve got an instant capital loss to write it off against.

Not only would this benefit my meager portfolio, it would also serve to help the share-issuing corporation. It could later buy back the shares at less than their original value and use the resulting gain to ensure that its executives do not have to suffer with only six-figure salaries.

Hopefully this would also lead to another new vehicle: anti-dividend shares. For decades, some of us have relied on so-called blue chip stocks that reliably pay a small dividend year-in and year-out. Sadly, over time, whatever net dividend we might accumulate is usually eroded by the decline in the share’s underlying value.

That’s why I’d prefer to have it spelled out right up front when I buy one of these new anti-dividend shares. For a guarantee from the company that the share’s value will not fall over time, I’ll be happy to pay them a small annual dividend of two or three dollars per share. I may not make any money this way but at least my initial capital outlay will still be there.

Let’s face it; the stock market is not for the faint of heart. But with more loss-guaranteed investment vehicles, at least we’d know where we stand. Plus, we’d have the satisfaction of knowing that stockbrokers, investment bankers and the like would not have to risk taking a cut in their all-important annual bonuses.

Maybe this new trend can spread to the housing market as well. In return for taking on a long-term, fixed-rate mortgage, I, as the new homeowner, would be willing to immediately absorb a twenty percent drop in the value of my new house. That way, I’d know just what I have to pay per month for years to come and I would no longer have to worry about borrowing against some illusory increased equity in my home.

If we are to protect our great American way of life and ensure that capitalism continues to thrive, loss-guaranteed investments is clearly the way to go. They’re about the closest thing to a sure bet that you’re ever going to see.

White House Trick-or-treaters

2010-10-30T14:32:00.002-04:00

It’s Halloween and that means American homes from coast to coast will be visited by scary trick-or-treaters. And that includes the nation’s First Residence: The White House. Here are some of the frightening visitors President Obama can expect this Sunday night:

The She Clinton
Hillary drops by to remind Obama what he can expect in 2012 if he doesn’t give her some more treats. She’s not saying she’ll run against him in two years’ time but she’s not saying she won’t either. But if Hillary doesn’t get what she wants, she may just unleash her sidekick Scary Bill.

The Birthers
They’re back and they’re scarier than ever. They’re the Birthers and now they’ve got a whole new crazy story about Obama’s non-American origins. It turns out that he was really born in Canada as the love child of Pierre Trudeau and Tina Turner.

Joe Biden
He looks friendly and harmless but once he opens his mouth, he can scare the bejesus out of the president. Dressed as a loose cannon, Joe Biden also has loose shoes, loose lips and a loose tongue.

Sarah Palin
This year, the former Alaska governor is wearing a new scary costume; she’s coming dressed as The Anti-Onanist - Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. In a frightening ironic twist for Obama, the more he attacks Ms. Palin and her new gal pal with facts and logic, the stronger they become.

Tea Partiers
They’re mad as hell and they aren’t going to take it anymore. They’re the Tea Partiers and they want change now. But the scary thing is, nobody knows what kind of change they want, including them.

The Campaign Promises
This group of Halloween visitors is the president’s worst nightmare. Whether it’s Global Warming; Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; or The War in Afghanistan, their appearance is a chilling reminder of goals unmet. If this gang of trick-or-treaters keeps coming back, Obama may have to find a new home in two years.

Glenn Beck
Dressed as the Race Card, Glenn Beck drops by to accuse Obama of hating white people. Although the president might protest that the only white person he hates is Glenn Beck, Mr. Beck won’t let truth and rationality defeat his scary demagoguery.

The Swing Voter
Possibly the scariest visitor to The White House this year, the Swing Voter is as crazy and unpredictable as Virginia Thomas on an answering machine. Frightening as it is to consider, this spooky character twice elected George W. Bush and he may just hand Congress back to the Republicans on Tuesday.

Modern Merit Badges

2010-10-25T15:21:00.002-04:00

"Boy Scouts of America now offers video game awards in the form of a belt loop and the more advanced video game pin."
- MSNBC - April 28, 2010

Although the new video gaming belt loop and game pin are just for Cub Scouts, the Boy Scouts are apparently looking to modernize their entire awards program. Rumor has it that, in order to appeal to today’s youth, the organization will soon be updating its merit badge program to include the following new badges:

Cell phone
Cell phones are now an integral part of modern life. This merit badge will be rewarded to those who demonstrate mastery of handheld wireless communication devices.
1. Must be able to analyse and assess competing cell phone plans and identify the cheapest one including any network charges, connection fees, roaming charges and additional usage surcharges.
2. Demonstrate basic operational skills such as placing and receiving calls and text messages. The candidate must achieve certain minimum texting character typing speeds with and without a QWERTY keypad.
3. Must be able to receive and transmit even in weak reception areas such as camping grounds and high-rise basements.
4. Required to start a fire in a remote location using only the cell phone battery and a fire-starting app.

Web surfing
This badge is awarded for demonstrated skill in navigating and exploiting the World Wide Web.
1. Must be able to use various search engines in order to locate vaguely described web sites.
2. Candidate needs to demonstrate the ability to bypass content filters in order to access restricted or adult-content sites.
3. Create and upload a YouTube video of a friend in a compromising position using only a camera phone and a laptop computer.
4. Use the Google search function to learn how to tie knots including a sheepshank, bowline and a half hitch.

Mall navigation
The Boy Scouts have always stressed the importance of wilderness skills. Mall navigation is simply a modern version of finding your way out of the woods. To earn this badge, a candidate is placed in an unknown location at an unfamiliar shopping mall. Given a cell phone with only a compass app, he must successfully navigate the mall and locate the food court, the cinemas, the Starbucks and at least two cool teen clothing or footwear stores.

iPod
Portable digital music devices are almost mandatory in today’s world. Thus, it is essential that Scouts learn how to operate and fully exploit this modern technology. A badge candidate is required to:
1. Download songs and videos from authorized and unauthorized sites.
2. Bust a move while wearing an iPod without dislodging the ear buds.
3. Go an entire 24-hour day wearing and using one’s iPod.
4. Identify at least six different wild songbirds using a songbird podcast.

Drug identification
As with wilderness survival, this is a field trip merit badge. Candidates will be taken on an outing to a local downtown park or high school parking lot. Each Scout is required to distinguish undercover narcotics police officers from legitimate drug dealers. He must also be able to differentiate prescription from non-prescription pharmaceuticals. Must demonstrate the ability to classify on-street product as "grass", "speed", "acid", "crack" or "meth." The final test involves rapid identification of an anonymous white powder including drug type, potency, street value and any unusual additives and/or side effects.

The Coffee Party

2010-10-22T15:08:00.002-04:00

The Tea Party movement has been criticized as a one-time, flash-in-the-pan phenomenon, just another third party that will soon go up in flames. But it looks like Tea Partiers are here to stay as evidenced by these new copycat parties looking to ride on their coattails:

The Coffee Party
Some folks think the Tea Party is fine as far as it goes but feel that something stronger would be even better. They’re the Coffee Partiers, citizen-patriots who like their political caffeine in a stronger dose.
Tea Partiers want less government. Coffee Partiers want no government. After all, if you’re jacked up on joe, you don’t need the government’s help for anything. You can do it all yourself including having your own personal army.

The Coke Party
Some folks drink coffee to get their caffeine fix but others prefer Coke. And then there are those who are truly committed to their caffeinated soft drink preference. They belong to the Coke Party and are willing to do anything to keep Coca-Cola America’s number one carbonated drink. For serious fans of stimulating beverages, there’s the Red Bull Party, not to be confused with Teddy Roosevelt’s Bull Moose Party or any modern party enamored of bull.

The Decaf Party
There are those who aren’t happy with the two mainstream parties but aren’t quite ready to adopt all the crazy rhetoric of the new caffeinated parties. For them, there’s the Decaf Party.
Decaffers like to state their dissatisfaction with the status quo but in a quiet, reasonable, non-caffeinated way. Sadly, the Decaf Party is so laid back that its members seldom get out to demonstrate and often forget to vote.

The Home Party
Patterned on the Tupperware sales method and home lingerie parties, the Home Party is looking to spread its message one house at a time. Hostesses sign on and then invite a group of friends over for a get together to try on different ideologies and see which one they like.
Each Home Party party has food, fun and games including Pin the Tail on the Democrat and Spot the Elephant in the Room. Serious partiers may even want to play the Libertarian Drinking Game where participants down shots of liquids from various non-government inspected containers.

The Party Party
This is a party for people who are tired of political organizations that call themselves parties but then get all serious about things. The Party Party wants to ensure that when you join a party, you really get to party.
"We’re not conservative," said Party Party spokesperson Candy Kane. "We like to let loose and have a good time. You could say we’re really, really social but we’re definitely not socialists."

Say You're Sorry

2010-10-21T00:28:00.004-04:00

"Clarence Thomas’s Wife Asks Anita Hill for Apology"
- N. Y. Times headline - October 19, 2010

In what some are calling a highly unusual voicemail message, Virginia Thomas asked Anita Hill to apologize to her husband Clarence Thomas for her allegations of inappropriate sexual comments against him during his 1991 Senate confirmation hearings. But it turns out that Ms. Thomas’s recorded appeal is only the latest in a recent series of requests for apologies:

Monica Lewinsky’s voicemail - October 10, 2010
Monica, it’s Bill, Bill Clinton. I just wanted to call and say I hope there’s no hard feelings about all that went down, so to speak, fifteen years ago. I’m still not sure why you said that our innocent flirtation constituted sexual relations when we both know that it really depends on what the meaning of "is" is. It would be great if you could make a public apology so we could put all this behind us and I could start sleeping in the big bed with Hillary again.

John Kerry’s voicemail - October 12, 2010
Hey, big guy, it’s W, George W. How’s it hanging there, Johnny Swift Boat? Look, I’ve been thinking and it would be a nice gesture on your part if you’d apologize for all those mean things you said during the 2004 campaign. After all, how did I know there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? And, heck, that wasn’t really the point anyway, was it? How about saying a nice big "I’m sorry" and then everyone would know I was a good ole boy all along?

Barack Obama’s voicemail - October 14, 2010
Mr. President? It’s Hillary, Hillary Clinton. You know, your Secretary of State? I’ve been thinking and I’d really appreciate it if you’d apologize for what you said in that debate back in 2008. "You’re likable enough, Hillary?" Boy, that really stung. How about just saying you’re sorry and then tell everybody what a great person I am? And if it’s not asking too much, it would be a gracious gesture if you didn’t run in 2012 and let me show everyone how really likable I can be.

John McCain’s voicemail - October 16, 2010
John, it’s Sarah, Sarah Palin - the hockey mom. I was your running mate back in 2008. But you know, I could have been more than just your running mate if you and your crazy advisors had let me run the show. We’d both be sitting pretty in The White House right now, John, if you had just left everything to me. Anyway, I don’t want to be crying over spilt moose milk. If you would just apologize and endorse me for 2012, I’d forgive you faster than green grass through a goose.

Jenn Sterger’s voicemail - October 18, 2010
Hi, Jenn. It’s me, again. No, no, let me start over. It’s me, Brett, Brett Favre who has never left a voicemail message for you before, OK? Or a text or a sext or whatever they call them. Boy, you’re smoking hot. Whoa, wait a minute. Can I just re-record this? Anyway, I was kind of hoping you could publicly apologize for saying I did all those things. I’d really, really appreciate it. And if you could return those photos of me, that would be even better.

Read "Dare to be Average" for free!

2010-10-09T11:40:00.002-04:00

Well, not exactly the entire book. But if you go to www.amazon.com, you can read the first chapter without paying me a dime. Just search for "Dare to be Average" and scroll down to the heading "Kindle Edition" on the right. Then you can read the first chapter right on your PC or e-reader.

I'm Going to Harperland

2010-10-02T10:31:00.001-04:00

"In Lawrence Martin's new book, Harperland, he talks about the 2008 constitutional crisis."
- CBC.ca - September 30, 2010

If you’re looking for a fun time for the whole family, consider spending a day at Canada’s newest amusement park: Harperland.
For one low, all-inclusive price of $109, your entire family can spend the whole day exploring all the great rides and attractions at Ottawa’s number one entertainment destination. And for a limited time, we’ll pay the HST, the GST and part of any increase in applicable EI premiums.
From the moment you enter the grounds of Harperland, you’ll be amazed at the wide variety of entertainment available. Start your day with the Cabinet Minister Puppet Show featuring 36 life-size puppets.
They look like real politicians with their own independent movements, opinions and voices. But if you look closely, you’ll see the strings that all lead to the country’s most amazing puppet master: Stephen Harper. You’ll be amazed as this fantastic showman manipulates all his puppet-ministers and gets them to say and do exactly what he wants.
Then it’s off to Frontierland, one of the many independent attractions at Harperland. There you’ll get to check out the old Alberta firewall and maybe even try your hand at target shooting using unregistered long guns.
Next, be sure to stop at Fantasyland where you’ll get to experience all the long-held Tory dreams. Play "Bury the Liberals", deny global warming and dismantle any number of social welfare programs.
Then there’s Tomorrowland, a place where the future is now. Experience a Conservative majority government, a disappearing corporate tax and a triple-E Senate as if they really existed.
But Harperland isn’t just about attractions; it’s also jam-packed with exciting rides. If you dare, try the exciting Economic Roller Coaster with its gut-wrenching debts, drops and deficits.
And don’t forget the fun-filled Parliamentary Prorogator. Just as you’re heading to an almost certain coalition, someone pulls the plug and stops the ride cold.
Just like Disneyland has Mickey Mouse and Goofy, Harperland has its own favorite characters. There’s Little Jim Flaherty who spends money he doesn’t have and Big John Baird who likes to bash and trash his opponents.
But best of all is the daily show at Harperland called Question Period. Sit back and watch opposition clowns ask silly questions which are batted away with ease by government ministers and Stephen Harper himself.
Bring the whole family and make a day of it. Harperland is so much fun you’d swear it’s illegal. But as far we know, it’s not. It’s just really, really secret.

White House Carpet Quotes

2010-09-07T16:16:00.002-04:00

President Obama’s recent televised address to the nation revealed more than his Administration’s policy on withdrawing from Iraq. It also revealed a newly redecorated Oval Office featuring a beige carpet bordered with famous quotes from four American presidents and Martin Luther King.

Commentators are having a field day critiquing the President’s choice of decor and, in particular, his unique carpet embroidering skills. It turns out, however, that Obama is not the first White House resident to use words to decorate his office.

Reliable inside sources have revealed that previous Chief Executives also sprinkled famous quotations throughout the Oval Office:

Richard Nixon
Nixon apparently liked to have his favorite personal quotations played on an endless loop on his famous office tape recorder, such as:
* We could do that but it would be wrong.
* I am not a crook.
* I have never been a quitter.
* When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.

Ronald Reagan
Longtime White House workers say that Ronald Reagan liked to write his favorite quotations on index cards and slide them under the carpet:
* There’s a sucker born every minute. - P. T. Barnum
* Win one for the Gipper! - Knute Rockne
* Go ahead, make my day. - Harry Callahan
* I don’t recall. - Ronald Reagan

Bill Clinton
Former President Clinton apparently preferred to record inspirational quotes on the carpet under padding:
* The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. - Oscar Wilde
* Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. - Sigmund Freud
* I am not a crook! Richard Nixon
* It depends what the meaning of ‘is’ is. - Bill Clinton

George W. Bush
And finally, George W. Bush reportedly scrawled these favorite words on the inside of his Oval Office desk:
* What me worry? - Alfred E. Neuman
* Mission accomplished. - George W. Bush
* If they can’t take a joke, screw ‘em. - Anonymous

A Mad Tea Party

2010-09-07T16:08:00.002-04:00

There was a giant tea party near the big white house and Glenn the Mad Hatter and Alveda the March Hare and all their patriot friends were having tea. Sarah came upon the scene and asked to join them.
"You may join us," said the Mad Hatter. "But first you must answer this riddle: When is a political rally neither political nor a rally?"
"Oh, I know the answer to that one," said Sarah. "Or at least I think I do."
"Then you should say what you mean," said the Hatter.
"Well I do," said Sarah. "Or at least I mean what I say which is the very same thing."
"Not the same thing a bit!" said the Hatter. "You might as well say ‘A right vote for the left’ is the same thing as ‘A left vote is right’."
"Or you might just as well say," said the March Hare, "that ‘a social with Obama’ is the same as ‘Obama is a socialist’."
"Well, that’s true indeed, " said the Hatter. "Isn’t it?"
All went silent but then the Mad Hatter took his watch out of his pocket, shook it and asked: ‘What day of the month is it?’
"Why it’s the 28th," said Sarah quite sure of herself.
"No it’s not," said the Hatter. "It’s the anniversary of the King’s speech 47 years ago. I bet your watch can’t tell time like that."
Sarah was now even more befuddled than usual. Then the Hatter asked her if she’d yet solved the riddle.
"No, I give up," said Sarah. "When is a political rally neither political nor a rally?"
"I have no idea," said the March Hare.
"Nor do I," said the Hatter. "Although I’m guessing it’s probably when it’s a religious revival meeting."
"I would think that you might do something better with time," Sarah said, "than waste it in asking riddles that have no answers."
"If you knew Time as well as I do," said the Hatter, "you wouldn’t talk about wasting it. It’s hymn."
"I don’t know what you mean," said Sarah.
"I mean we can all spend our time singing hymns," said the Hatter. "And pretend it’s all about Him when it’s really about him, that one in the white house, the one who’s a socialist."
"If this is a tea party," said Sarah, "then why haven’t I yet had any tea?"
"Take some more tea," said the Hatter.
"I’ve had nothing yet," said Sarah, "so how can I take more?"
"You mean you can’t take less," said the Hatter: it’s very easy to take more than nothing."
At that, Sarah got up and left thinking to herself that this was the most curious tea party she’d ever been to in her life. But if she could only find that rabbit hole she had fallen down earlier, maybe it would lead her to the nearby white house which could then become her new home.

A Rebuilt Four-barrel Constitution

2010-08-20T20:46:00.002-04:00

"The Tea Party is meanwhile busy rewriting America’s early history under [Glenn] Beck’s tutelage by enforcing a vision of the Constitution tantamount to the Creationists’ view of Genesis. We must obey the words of the founding fathers literally..... There can be no evolution or amendments."
- Frank Rich - The N. Y. Times - May 30, 2010

Glenn Beck’s reply in the latest issue of "Constitutional Shadetree Mechanic":

It’s about time someone had the good sense to revert back to the Constitution as it was originally formulated by our sainted Founding Fathers. Any piece of long-working machinery, no matter how well designed, will eventually get clogged up with accumulated deposits and amendments.

Say you inherited an old ‘57 Chevy that hadn’t seen the inside of a garage in thirty years. Would you continue to drive it on the highway, cross your fingers and just hope for the best?

Of course not. You’d put it up on the hoist, drain the oil and start removing all the gunk and sediment that had built up over the years. You’d also take a look under the hood and remove any unnecessary add-ons and replace any worn or used parts.

Well, that’s just what we’ve gotta do with the Constitution. Given its age and the rough treatment it’s endured, it doesn’t just need some minor tinkering. It’s time to drive the old gal into the legislative shop, strip her down to basics and rebuild the engine to original specs.

Now looking at the owner’s manual, I guess we could all agree that you’d keep the first ten amendments. After all, they were installed on the original chassis after only four years by the same designers. Plus, they’re pretty much essential to the document’s smooth functioning, especially that second amendment.

Can’t run a good government without an unencumbered right to bear arms.
But anything tacked on after 1791 has gotta go. There’s just too much crap hanging off the frame and gunk jamming up the governmental carburetor to achieve anything approaching the optimal performance of this classic document.

Once we’ve stripped this classic down to the basics, we can see what we’ve got. By my reckoning, that should leave us with a Senate unelected by popular vote. That should cut down considerably on electoral expenses and allow for a more efficient bicameral vehicle.

We should also be able to see that this baby was originally an exclusively male-operated mechanism. Eliminating women from the electoral transmission should cut our operating costs in half.

I think you’ll find that once you’ve done a complete rebuild that you’ll no longer be encumbered by such operational limitations as a two-term presidential restriction. For those of a conservative bent, that could mean lots more governing milage under someone like a Bush or a Reagan.

You might be surprised to find that when you’ve reassembled the Constitution as originally written that you’ll have re-instituted slavery. Initially, you might find this troubling but just remember, it will only be active in certain states and, even then, each slave will be counted as three-fifths of a person. Before condemning this original feature outright, we probably should really give it a try and see what the founding designers had in mind.

Once you’re done, you’ve got a brand new 1787 U. S. Constitution with all the original bells and whistles. Take her out for a spin and enjoy that new-document feeling all over again.

A Truly Canadian Crime

2010-08-13T20:38:00.002-04:00

"Bilingual thief robs convenience store"

OTTAWA - A knife-wielding man robbed a convenience store in the 300 block of Shakespeare Street Saturday afternoon. The man entered the store shortly after 4:30 p.m. and demanded money in
both English and French.
- The Ottawa Citizen - August 8, 2010

"Hello. Bonjour."
"This is a stickup. Ça c’est un ‘stickup’."
"Do you understand? Comprenez vous?"
"If yes, just shake your head. Si oui, hochez votre tête."
"No, I do not speak Italian. Non, je ne parle pas Italien."
"Hey, buddy, this is a bilingual country. You’re expected to know at least one of our two official languages. Eh, mon fils, Canada est un pays bilingue. If faut que vous savez au moins une des notres deux lingues officiels."
"OK, I’m not going to repeat this again. Open the cash drawer, put your hands above your head and step back from the cash. OK, je ne vais pas répéter cet. Ouvrir le tiroir-caisse, mettez vos mains dessus de votre tête et recul par rapport à la caisse."
"Is that all you’ve got? Est que tout ce que vous avez?"
"No, no, I’m not blaming you. Non, non, je ne vous blâme."
"It’s just that it’s eight o’clock at night and I assumed you’d have a full till. C'est juste que c’est veinte heures et je suppose que vous auriez une caisse pleine."
"Look, what have you got that I can sell? Regardez, qu'avez-vous que je peux vendre?"
"How about some beer or wine? Qu'en est-il de la bière ou du vin?"
"You’re kidding. No beer or wine? But this is a convenience store. Vous plaisantez. Pas de bière ou de vin? Mais il s'agit d'un dépanneur."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot. This is Ontario, not Quebec. No beer or wine sales in convenience stores. Ah, oui, j’ai oublié. Pas de bière ou de vin de vente dans les dépanneurs."
"How about cigarettes? Maybe I could take a few cartons. Que diriez-vous des cigarettes? Peut-être je pourrais prendre un peu de cartons."
"What do you mean I have to show identification? Qu'est-ce que tu veux dire que j'ai une carte d'identité?"
"Of course I’m over nineteen. Bien sûr, je suis au dessus de dix-neuf."
"I understand. I understand. If you sell to a minor, you could lose your license. Je comprends. Je comprends. Si vous vendez à un mineur, vous risquez de perdre votre permis."
"OK, here’s my driver’s license. Just check my birth date, that’s all. Promise? OK, voici mon permis de conduire. Il suffit de cocher ma date de naissance, c’est tout. Vous me le promettez?"
"Oh, damn! Here are the police. Sacrifice! Voici la police."
"Yes, officer. I’ll put my hands behind my back. If I didn’t have to give instructions to that clerk in both official languages, I would have been out of here five minutes ago. Well, since I assume you’re bilingual, at least I don’t have to translate anymore. Merde!"

Brer BP and the Offshore Oil Spill

2010-07-27T20:25:00.002-04:00

"Did I ever tell you the tale of how Brer BP outsmarted Brer Obama?" said Uncle Cheney. "It sure is one of the strangest stories you’re ever going to hear."

So the citizens gathered around and Uncle Cheney began to tell the tale of Brer BP and the Offshore Oil Spill.

"You see," said Uncle Cheney. "Before Brer Obama came along, there was no such thing as regulating offshore oil drilling. You could do whatever you pleased."

"So everybody from Brer BP to Brer Halliburton went into the ocean and drilled down thousands and thousands of feet until they struck oil. And nobody much cared if they took any precautions for everybody was happy to makes lots and lots of money."

Uncle Cheney knew what he was talking about because he, too, made money from all this drilling. In fact, when he stopped working for Brer Halliburton, he got a $34 million payout.

"Now thanks to Brer BP and all the others, there was lots and lots of oil," said Uncle Cheney. "Everybody got to drive their cars and all the oil drillers made billions of dollars."

"But then a little accident happened," said Uncle Cheney. "And Brer BP spilled a bit of oil in the Gulf and some people started to get mad."

"Brer Obama was the maddest of all but he figured he could trick Brer BP and trap him in the oil spill. And it looked like he might even succeed for Brer BP got all caught up in the spill. Brer BP tried all kinds of things to stop the oil and he told everybody that he was going to clean up the whole gulf and nobody else would have to pay."

One of the citizens asked Uncle Cheney how it came to pass that Brer BP could make such a mess. "Wasn’t there a law against that?" he asked.

"Well there used to be a law," said Uncle Cheney. "But we got rid of that so all the nice oil drillers could get on with finding more oil."

"Anyway, that’s not important now," said Uncle Cheney. "What’s important is that Brer Obama thought that he had trapped Brer BP in the oil spill and that he would finally be able to put this problem behind him."

"But that clever Brer BP wasn’t going to be caught that easily. He kept saying to Brer Obama: ‘Oh woe is me. This is just about the worst mess I’ve ever been in but I’ll do everything I can to clean up this spill. You just wait and see. Whatever you do, though, please don’t regulate me. I’d rather anything happen to me than more regulations.’

"So Brer Obama fell for Brer BP’s trick and he started to write some tough new regulations. And Brer BP couldn’t have been happier for he just told Brer Obama that with all those new regulations, he could no longer afford to clean up the oil spill. Then he quickly declared bankruptcy and walked away from that spill faster than a snake shedding its skin."

"And what happened to Brer Obama?" all the citizens asked.

"He’s still there," said Uncle Cheney. "At least until 2012."

"Dare to be Average" now available on Amazon.com

2010-07-02T21:17:00.002-04:00

Now you have two choices: you can order "Dare to be Average" through Lulu.com or you can buy it on Amazon.com. Just click the link on the right referring to my new book and it will take you to Amazon where you can also check out the first three pieces in the book.

Dare to be Average

2010-06-10T16:22:00.003-04:00

It's finally here. "Dare to be Average" is my latest humor collection. It's published by Lulu.com and excerpts can be found at my blog http://www.daretobeaverage.blogspot.com/. To buy a copy of the book or an e-book version, go to http://www.lulu.com/ and type in "dare to be average." Or better yet, just click on the button below.

Wasilla Barbie

2010-05-22T12:41:00.002-04:00

"Mattel plans to bring out versions of Barbie and Ken styled after four ‘Mad Men’ characters."
- The Globe and Mail - March 10, 2010

If all goes well with Mattel’s ‘Mad Men’ collector series, look for its new ‘Political Pals’ collection this fall including the following limited edition dolls:

Wasilla Barbie
Over the years, Barbie has kept pace with social changes and transformed herself into various career women. Now Mattel has taken Barbie to a whole new level: the conservative career politician. From her attractive appearance to her part-time political job to her ability to field dress a moose, Wasilla Barbie has it all. This is one of the rare talking Barbies although it only has a limited selection of catchy phrases like "You betcha!", "The mainstream media elites" and "Gotcha journalism."

Kloseted Ken
Based on men like Senator Larry Craig and California State Senator Roy Ashburn, Kloseted Ken is that strangest of political creatures: the homophobic homosexual. Dressed in a conservative blue suit, Kloseted Ken has a wild secret life that belies his anti-gay political stance. This doll comes with accessories like a wife, kids, a public men’s washroom stall and a government-issue car to drive him to the nearest gay nightclub.

Black Barry
Sensitive to racial issues, Mattel introduced Barbie’s African-American friend Christie in 1968 and a black male doll named Brad in 1981. In keeping with that trend, the company plans to include Black Barry in its upcoming fall collection. Black Barry is Barbie’s new African-American friend who just happens to be the president of the United States. Accessories include a white house, a trillion-dollar debt and a possible second term.

Hillary
Another in Barbie’s long list of female friends, Hillary is a fierce feminist. Burdened with a successful but philandering political husband, Hillary nevertheless was a successful politician in her own right. She once ran for president herself but sadly has now chosen to be a secretary. Accessories include a closet full of different colored pantsuits and an ankle monitor for her husband.

Kuddly Karl
Mattel has often been criticized for the unrealistic body image that Barbie dolls project. To help change that perception, the company plans to issue Kuddly Karl, a chubby, partially-balding middle-aged man. Karl is that most common of Washington political operative: the spin merchant behind the actual officeholder. In this case, Karl keeps spinning long after his principal has left office.

The Real Dick
In keeping with the trend to adopt more accurate body profiles, Mattel will also release its first vice presidential doll: The Real Dick. Dick spends his life in pursuit of conservative causes and helps his presidential friend W run the country. Even when he’s no longer in office, The Real Dick is perpetually in attack mode thereby earning his name.

On the Double-double

2010-05-09T14:27:00.002-04:00

"Tim Hortons’ employees at Kandahar Airfield will be among the medal recipients from the Afghan war....."
- The Ottawa Citizen - March 28, 2010

They say war is hell and I’ve got the scars to prove it. Two tours of duty at the Kandahar Tim Hortons saw to that.
I didn’t sign on for two tours. All I wanted was one trip to Afghanistan and then get out. But once you’re there pouring coffees and passing crullers, the excitement gets in your blood and you can’t help but reup.
It wasn’t always like that. In fact, the first few months of my first rotation were deadly dull. That’s what happens when you’re not on the front lines.
I started out inside the wire, a lowly grunt grinding coffee beans and frying doughnuts. There’s no shame in that but it’s not the kind of action I signed on for.
So when I talked to my shift leader four months in and told him I couldn’t take much more, he sized me up and said: "Kid, I like the way you handle yourself but you’re still raw and untested. What makes you think you’re ready for the front line?"
Honestly, I couldn’t say but I just knew if I didn’t see some real action soon, I was going to go crazy. So I gave him the answer he wanted to hear: "Sir, yes sir, I’m ready. Send me in and you won’t regret it."
So the next day he sent me in and he almost did regret it. I thought I was ready for battle but all the training in the world can’t prepare you for the morning rush.
One minute I’m standing there loading Timbits in the wire trays and the next minute we’re overrun by soldiers yelling for double-doubles, dutchies and doughnuts. The orders were coming fast and furious and, for a moment, I thought I might cash out.
Luckily, I was teamed with Sarge, a grizzled veteran who knew the ropes and had seen it all. Just as I was about to take some flak from an incoming customer, Sarge stepped in front of me, filled the order, made change and sent the "coffee drinker" packing.
I owed Sarge for saving my bacon but that’s not all. I also owed him a debt of thanks for showing me the ropes and helping me make it through that first tour. If not for him, I doubt I would have even been around to sign up for a second one.
And what a tour it was. Everything they say about combat is true. You’re scared all the time but you’ve never felt so alive. And the bond you forge with your counter mates is even stronger than your family ties. You’d cover for any of those guys and, if you had to, even make change for a hundred.
But I guess my fondest memory of Afghanistan is the time I returned the favor and saved Sarge’s butt. It was late one night when things get quiet on the base and even the veterans tend to relax and let their guard down.
We were on closing duty together and, with minutes to go, Sarge had already emptied the carafes and tossed the leftovers. He had his back turned so he never saw the guy at the far table quietly rolling up his rim.
Without warning, the guy ran to the counter, tossed the open rim down and demanded a free coffee. Holding an empty carafe, Sarge turned around, completely defenseless.
I saw the look of fear in his eyes and, without thinking, I jumped in front of him and handed the guy my medium black, no sugar that I was saving for later back at the tents.
Sarge slumped in the corner, his face still ashen and said: "Thanks, kid; I owe you one."
"No you don’t, Sarge; don’t you remember?" I said. "Now we’re even."

Cutting Up the Cash

2010-04-22T12:20:00.002-04:00

"The U.S. House of Representatives on Friday approved a financial reform bill that would expose the Federal Reserve to more scrutiny, threatening its cherished political independence."
- Reuters - Dec. 11, 2009

Transcript of a recent secret meeting held in a conference room in the New York Fed Building attended by Fed Chairman Benny "The Bailout" Bernanke, Treasury Secretary Timmy "The TARP" Geithner, Interim N. Y. Fed Chair Denny "The Chair" Hughes and the heads of the other eleven Fed families:

"Hey, Benny. Whatsa matta wit you?"
"Whadda ya mean, Denny?"
"I mean we gotta good thing going here and you’re gonna screw it up."
"Nah, everything’s fine."
"No, Benny, it ain’t. Folks are starting to get suspicious. Dey see all dis money goin’ out but nobody’s gotta job."
"They just gotta be patient, that’s all."
"They ain’t got no more patience, Benny. And now they wanna look at da books."
"But we don’t got no books, Denny."
"Exactly. Dat was da beauty of this operation. Now whadda ya wanna us to do?"
"Maybe it don’t look so good right now but Timmy here’s gotta solution."
"OK, let’s hear it Timmy."
"Fellas, we got as much money as we want, see. We just print it downstairs in the basement like always. So I says we just run off an extra trillion greenbacks and we buy up some more troubled assets. That’ll make a whole bunch of mugs happy and dey’ll leave us alone."
"But Timmy, whadda we need with a bunch more troubled assets? We still can’t unload the last shipment we got."
"It don’t matter, Denny. We just keep ‘em all in storage. We still prints more money for us, see, and nobody’s the wiser."
"But dose jokers in Congress are talking about pulling the plug on our operation. Whadda we do about dem, Benny?"
"Look, dose guys like cash same as us. So long as we throw some extra bonus money in their campaign war chests, dey’ll back off, guaranteed."
"OK Benny, Timmy; we’s countin’ on youse guys to keep the cash flowing. We don’t need no audits or no stinkin’ regulations."
"Yeah, sure. Youse can count on us."

In The Hole

2010-04-09T15:18:00.002-04:00

MEMO

TO: The broadcast commentators
FROM: The President of CBS Sports

For the 55th straight year, CBS Sports will be broadcasting the Masters Golf Tournament. We are proud to maintain our ongoing relationship with the Augusta National Golf Club to bring the American viewing public this historic sporting event.

This year is special, of course, not only because it marks our 55th anniversary but also because it marks the return of Tiger Woods to the professional golf circuit. In order to minimize any awkwardness for Tiger and to maximize our viewing audience and advertising revenues, I am asking all of you to refrain from any deliberate or inadvertent golf-related metaphors or innuendos that might embarrass Mr. Woods, his family or our viewers.

To this end, please abide by the following guidelines:

(1) Avoid the words "out of bounds." There are lots of ways to say that Mr. Woods has mishit his shot. For example, you could say that he hooked it or sliced it or topped the ball or whatever. You can even say that he put his ball in the woods, a nice play on words. But don’t use the phrase "out of bounds" for obvious reasons.

(2) Don’t use "hazards, traps or bad lies." Even if Tiger’s shot doesn’t miss the fairway, he can still find himself in other difficult situations — on the course, that is. Best to avoid any reference to the particular lie and instead simply say that he will have a tough shot coming up.

(3) Be careful with club references. For example, at no time should you ever mention the shaft of Mr. Woods’s club. Same goes for the stiffness of the club. You can use the term "wood" but be cautious in doing so.

(4) Same goes for his putter. Never say "Tiger takes out his putter" or "Tiger plays with his putter" or any similar expression. Also please refrain from indicating how he is stroking a particular putt.

(5) Although Mr. Woods is noted for his long game and his multiple Major victories, please do not mention them during the Masters coverage. Viewers might take the references the wrong way.

If we can all remember these few simple guidelines, I believe we can maintain the prestigious TV coverage of the Masters that we have become known for. All in all, I think that’s a fair way to deal with the situation.

Rush Heads South

2010-04-04T17:42:00.001-04:00

"If this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented, I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica."
- Rush Limbaugh - March 8, 2010

Customs and Immigration - San Jose International Airport - March 31, 2015

"Welcome to Costa Rica, señor. May I have your passport? What is the purpose of your visit?"
"I want to immigrate to your country. I’ve had it with all that damned socialized medicine in the U. S. and that gang of pinkos in Washington."
"Well, Señor Limburger, I don’t want to disappoint you but this may not be the place for you."
"What are you talking about? Of course it’s the place for me. It’s warm like Florida and I understand you can get all kinds of heavy duty painkillers at the pharmacies without a prescription."
"Si, señor, but there are certain aspects of Costa Rica that you may not find to your liking."
"What’s not to like? Reasonably priced pharmaceuticals, great beaches and no Obama."
"Well, first of all we have no army."
"No army? What? Are you loco?"
"No Mr. Rush, we are not loco. We constitutionally abolished our army in 1949. We have no standing army."
"But that’s crazy. What if you’re attacked?"
"We have internal security forces, señor, and we sometimes even participate in foreign peacekeeping missions."
"Are you guys commies or something?"
"No, Mr. Lamborghini, we are a vibrant social democracy dedicated to the welfare of all of our citizens."
"Sounds like communism to me. Anyway, what else have you got?"
"We have state agencies that run many of our sectors like la electricidad and los bancos. Until last year, we even had a state monopoly on insurance and los telefonos."
"You guys are crazy. You must have revolutions and coups all the time."
"No, Mr. Limppaw, we are the longest running continuous democracy in Latin America. We have had free, open and non-controversial elections for over sixty years. I’m not sure even los Estados Unidos can claim that."
"Now them’s fighting words, Pablo."
"Mr. Roosh, my name is not Pablo and I’m only stating the facts so you won’t be disappointed if you decide to live here. For example, I sense that you may not be too happy to know that we are the greenest country in the world?"
"Greenies? That’s just nuts. Don’t tell me you’ve also got socialized medicine or something crazy like that?"
"Señor Rhumba, I hesitate to tell you that such is the case. We have universal healthcare and it only costs a fraction of what it does in your country."
"OK, pal, that’s the last straw. When’s the next flight to Colombia?"
"Very soon, señor, very soon."

Washington's Healthcare Victims

2010-03-24T16:15:00.002-04:00

Thanks to some vigorous lobbying and political manoeuvring, President Obama finally got his cherished healthcare reform initiative through Congress. That’s great news for millions of uninsured Americans. But let’s not forget that there have been a number of healthcare victims along the way. Victims like:

Bill
Chief among the victims is Healthcare Bill himself. Starting out as a healthy piece of legislation with a guaranteed, filibuster-proof majority, Bill quickly suffered several serious setbacks and numerous cuts. Before long, Bill was on life support and appeared to be close to death. But thanks to the judicious use of pork barrel therapy and the selective application of some lucrative add-ons, the patient rallied and now looks to be on the path to a healthy recovery. Bill was finally released from Congress and allowed to sign out at The White House.

House
This is not the noted TV doctor but rather the junior legislative chamber of the U. S. Congress. In its youth, House had few problems and was able to deal with most health issues with a simple up or down majority vote. But over time, House’s legislative reflexes atrophied and its once quick-flowing procedural arteries clogged to the point where almost nothing could pass. Luckily, a last-ditch emergency procedure called reconciliation allowed House to once again function with a simple majority. But such a temporary fix does not guarantee the long term health of this once thriving body.

Undecided Democrats
Some Congressmen and women of the Democratic persuasion are seeking physiotherapy. Most are complaining of severe pain in their arms apparently caused by repeated twisting. Those of a liberal bent are feeling discomfort in their left arms while so-called Blue Dog Democrats are complaining of right arm pain. Those with the most pain report being assaulted directly by the Armtwister-in-Chief. Some of these patients will definitely need presidential support for their own legislative pet projects in order to avoid contracting a serious case of midterm electoral defeat.

Republicans
Undecided Democrats are not the only victims of the push for healthcare reform. Virtually all Republican members of both houses of Congress have also suffered injury, many complaining of a throat ailment associated with undue ramming. They seem to have developed a severe allergy to bipartisanship and a compulsive desire to say "no" or "start over." In what appears to be an unusual epidemic, all of these individuals are suffering from an incurable form of block voting thought to have been brought on by obsessive clinging to an aging, outdated ideology.

Civility
Perhaps the most tragic victim of this entire process is Civility. For many years, Civility enjoyed generally good health and could be found associating with all camps in Washington. More recently, however, it was repeatedly abused and violated to the point where it was almost entirely destroyed. Although Civility appears to be close to death, some are hoping that it can be revived by the selective surgical removal of a serious case of political punditry.

The Sixty-six Dollar Bill

2010-03-12T15:48:00.001-05:00

Republican Representative Patrick McHenry of North Carolina has proposed that Ronald Reagan’s face replace that of Ulysses S. Grant on the fifty-dollar bill. Rather than banish Grant from the fifty, why not create new denominations to honor Reagan and his contemporaries? New denominations like:

The 75-cent piece
We’ve got a 25-cent piece and a 50-cent piece, otherwise known as the quarter and the half-dollar. Why not a three-quarter dollar? Chances are it would be very unpopular and fade into obscurity. Thus, it would be a perfect candidate to honor the visage of America’s most recent forgotten-but-not-gone leader: George W. Bush. Who better to be labelled the six-bit president than "W" himself?

The $1 coin
From the Susan B. Anthony to the Sacagawea Americans have historically been resistant to dollar coins. But maybe it’s time to make it mandatory and get rid of the paper one-dollar bill. That’s what Canada did with its one-dollar coin informally dubbed the loonie over twenty years ago and now it’s in wide circulation. Perhaps the U. S. Mint could put Bill Clinton’s visage on a similar offering and create America’s own version of the loonie.

The $13 bill
This unlucky bill with its unlucky numeral is destined for limited circulation just like its honored president Richard Nixon. The back of the bill will have a representation of The Watergate Hotel and the front will feature Mr. Nixon with arms outspread above the quotation that says it all: "I am not a crook!"

The $66 bill
This might be a more fitting tribute for Ronald Reagan. After all, although Reagan purported to be a small-government, low-spending conservative, he reigned over the biggest spending orgy of his day resulting in a tripling of the national debt during his term in office. What better way to honor his memory than to issue a sixty-six-dollar bill representing the effective worth of a hundred dollars after his eight years as president.

The trillion-dollar bill
It’s unheard of to honor a sitting president with his face on a unit of currency. Then again, recently it was unheard of to incur a trillion-dollar deficit. Since President Obama has broken new budgetary ground, it’s only fitting that he should appear on this new bill. The back will be completely filled with all twelve zeroes of the bill’s denomination while the front will feature a portrait of Obama with the legend: "To boldly go where no president has gone before."

Eh? Canada

2010-03-08T22:41:00.002-05:00

With millions unemployed and a soaring debt, last week’s Speech from the Throne zeroed in on one of Canada’s biggest problems by including a pledge to amend our national anthem to make it gender neutral. Although Prime Minister Harper later changed his mind, maybe it’s still time to give "O Canada" a major overhaul and make the whole song a truer reflection of who we are. Here’s the current unsatisfactory version:

O Canada!
Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

First, what’s with the "O"? Who says "O" any more? Let’s make it truly Canadian and change it to "Eh?"

"Our home"? Get serious. We don’t really own much of anything in our country. It’s more like we’re leasing it from the Americans, the Saudis and the Chinese. "Our rented home" would be a truer representation.

And "native land" is a bit misleading. Are we trying to say it’s our land or the natives’ land? Either way, the wording’s inaccurate. How about "once natives’ land"?

The next line seems to be the one causing Prime Minister Harper and his gang the most trouble. Self-styled longtime fighters against sexism, the Conservatives apparently want to change the word "sons" to something more inclusive.

But the entire line needs reworking. How many of us practice "true patriot love"? Isn’t it really more like a "convenient temporary allegiance"? And if "sons" is a problem, let’s just replace it with "folks."

If anything needs a change it’s "glowing hearts." What the heck is a glowing heart, anyway? I’m not sure but I do know a "heavy heart" when I see one. And if you haven’t noticed, Canada’s not "rising" except for our unemployment rate. "Sliding" would be more like it if you ask me.

I’m a little uncomfortable with "The True North" as well. "An American branch plant" seems more appropriate. After all, they’re the ones who keep us "strong and free."

The next line’s fine but as for standing on guard, I think that’s a bit strong. I’d prefer a more accurate sentiment like "we think mostly of me."

If "sons" is a problem, then "God" has to be changed, too. I’d turf the deity and go with a more innocuous, non-religious Canadian sentiment such as "Let’s keep our land clean and litter free."

Put it all together and you’ve got a new version of our national anthem, a non-sexist, non-deist, non-contentious version that we can all sing, if not with pride, at least with honesty:

Eh? Canada!
Our rented home, once natives’ land.
Convenient temporary allegiance in all our folks command.
With heavy hearts we see thee slide,
An American branch plant economy.
From far and wide,
Eh? Canada, we think mostly of me.
Let’s keep our land clean and litter free!
Eh? Canada, we think mostly of me.
Eh? Canada, we think mostly of me.

A Hands-down Winner

2010-02-16T15:17:00.002-05:00

Sarah Palin has not ruled out a run for the presidency in 2012. Speaking on Fox News after her appearance at the National Tea Party Convention in Nashville, the former Alaska governor said she would run "...if I believed that that is the right thing to do for our country and for the Palin family."
But apparently there are a number of hurdles Ms. Palin must get over before achieving the Republican nomination two-and-a-half years from now. First and foremost is her unique and sometimes incomprehensible speaking style.
"With the necessity of putting ideas out there for the American people and all," said Palin. "It’s crucial that sense can be made of at least some of the talking points that I might be speaking at any given time."
Talking points turns out to be another area that Governor Palin recognizes that she needs to work on. She accepts that it is not going to be sufficient to simply continue referring to "death panels", "gotcha journalism" and "the media elites." To that end, Ms. Palin has reportedly embarked on a crash course covering everything from foreign policy to healthcare to how many branches there are in the U. S. federal government.
"I think my weeks of study have paid off big time," said Palin. "As you may recall, after that Tea Party thing, I was almost able to specifically identify which of Obama’s policies I thought were wrong. It’s only a matter of time before I nail at least a couple of ‘em."
Body language is another area the former vice presidential candidate is determined to improve. In particular, she wants to avoid excessive use of hand gestures when speaking.
"It’s not so much that I want to stop waving my hands around up there," said Palin. "It’s more that I don’t want to be exposing my talking points on the palms of my hands when I do."
Asked to comment on President Obama’s frequent use of a teleprompter, Palin was harshly critical.
"I think it shows a lack of intelligence and an absence of good, old-fashioned common sense," said Ms. Palin. "God gave us hands and we should use them, not only to emphasize the points one is making but also to have something to write those points on so’s not to forget them during a speech."
"I’ve got so many good ideas," said Palin. "That I just wish I had three hands so I could write them all down."
Asked if her lack of government experience would present an obstacle to a possible 2012 run, Ms. Palin dismissed that concern and glanced at her ink-stained right hand bearing the words "published author" on it.
"If I can get someone to write a bestselling book for me," she said. "Surely I can find someone to help me run Washington if I should win."

Bread And Circuses

2010-02-05T15:47:00.002-05:00

In true bread and circuses fashion, Prime Minister Harper asked that Parliament be prorogued, in part, because he didn’t want Canadians to be distracted during the upcoming Winter Olympics. But since most of us can walk and chew gum at the same time, Mr. Harper may want to reconsider and reconvene Parliament in February so we can continue to also view Ottawa’s own political winter games featuring unique events like these:

hooky
It sounds like hockey but it’s not. It’s hooky, the ongoing sport of Canadian federal parliamentarians. Whether it’s skipping out on House debates, passing up committee hearings or proroguing Parliament to avoid working at all, members of all parties know how to play this game. If not doing one’s job were an Olympic sport, Canada’s legislators would be perennial gold medal winners.

speed talking
If there’s one thing Canadian parliamentarians excel at, it’s talking and our MPs are especially adept at speaking quickly and from both sides of their mouths. The very best can combine those skills while also avoiding any meaningful statements. Long-winded MPs tend to compete in the one-on-one long track event while those who specialize in quips, insults and putdowns prefer the more raucous short track event also known as Question Period.

snowjobbing
Whether it’s the half-truth, the coverup or the flat-out lie, parliamentary snowjobbers are skilled at a multitude of deceptive moves. Like snowboarders, snowjobbers manage to twist, slide and turn themselves inside out while still somehow maintaining their position. But snowjobbers do have one advantage over their outdoor counterparts: when the competition gets tough, they don’t bail; they just ask for a do-over which they call "proroguing it, dude ."

party jumping
Definitely the most dangerous of parliamentary sports, party jumping is politics performed without a net. Also known as floor crossing, this event symbolizes both the agony and the ecstasy of political sport. The successful party jumper can end up with a government gold medal known as a "cabinet position." But, as in ski jumping, if the competitor doesn’t hit the take off just right, his career may nosedive in one spectacular tumbling crash.

bicameral reform
Like the biathlon, bicameral reform involves two sports in one. Members of Parliament perform their ongoing legislative duties while at the same time suggesting various reforms to the Senate. Like the biathlon’s rifle-shooting skiers, it takes nerves of steel for MPs to stop legislating and intermittently propose any one of a dozen impossible changes to the Red Chamber. From the triple-E spouting participants to the outright abolitionists, it’s unlikely anyone will ever finish this race.

stooge
It sounds like the daring winter sledding event called the luge and the similarities are striking. Parliamentarians compete to see how fast they can take an economy already flat on its back completely downhill. Like lugers, stooges can’t see where they’re going or where they’ve been and can’t stop the downhill trend. Unlike their Olympic counterparts, however, they make sure they’re well rewarded no matter how poorly they perform.

whirling
Curling may be the roaring game but Parliamentary debates are the boring game as they go round and round and ultimately nowhere. With MPs trying to sweep issues under the rug and looking to empty the House, everyone wants to skip the current session and no one seems capable of taking the lead. If you think curling is an instant cure for insomnia, try an hour of whirling debates in the House of Commons for a truly remarkable soporific.

A Mickey Mouse Campaign

2010-02-02T10:23:00.002-05:00

The new political tell-all book "Game Change" reveals a number of faux pas from the 2008 presidential campaign including racist remarks by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and anti-Bill comments by Hillary Clinton. But apparently there was even more to tell as shown by these further campaign revelations:

Sarah Palin
Unknown to most, the Republican vice presidential candidate is actually an intellectual autodidact and a top-flight foreign policy expert. Forced to play the dumb brunette, the former Alaska governor chafed under the "dumb it down" restrictions imposed by the McCain camp. "I would have liked nothing better than to fully explicate my vision for a tripartite American hegemony with Katie Couric," said Ms. Palin. "But I was told not to even admit to reading any magazines."

Barack Obama
Touted as the perfect embodiment of a post-racial America, it turns out that Barack Obama wasn’t perfect either. While on the hustings, candidate Obama repeatedly referred to his coterie of advisors as "my white-skinned Caucasian caucus" and mocked their tendency to speak like Harvard intellectuals. "I have since apologized to my team," said the President. "And informed them that, in fact, I think that they sound more like Mitt Romney."

John McCain
It turns out that the erratic and irascible behavior of the Republican presidential nominee was not a personal choice but instead was the result of age-related hormonal imbalances. "Believe me, at heart, I was still America’s biggest maverick," said the Arizona senator. "And not America’s biggest dick." To those who doubt this explanation, McCain points to his current dickish and obstructionist moves regarding healthcare and finance reform in the Senate.

Joe Biden
When asked about any additional previously unreported miscues from his 2008 vice presidential campaign, Joe Biden said: "Oh, yeah, there were plenty more screw-ups but Barack has asked me to zip my lip for now. I’m just going to stick to my current screw-ups for now."

Tiger Woods
One person who apparently does want to talk about his role in the 2008 presidential campaign is Tiger Woods. The world famous golfer, who has been noticeably reticent to talk about his extracurricular activities of late, was completely forthcoming about his political activities in the fall of 2008. "I’d like to be completely honest about my involvement in the presidential race," said Woods. "I had absolutely nothing to do with either campaign. Heck, I didn’t even vote."

Jay Leno
Talk show host Jay Leno points to errors by NBC executives during the 2008 campaign that damaged his career. "It wasn’t just the stupid decision to move me to the 10 P.M. time slot," said a disgruntled Leno. "It was also their insistence that I not sleep with my female staffers." To those who say he would be crazy to leave NBC, Leno repeatedly replies: "Crazy? Yeah, crazy like a FOX!"

Mickey Mouse
Everyone noted that the venerable Hollywood icon turned 80 during the last presidential campaign. But what the public didn’t see was a once proud star repeatedly embarrassed by the pejorative use of his name by both sides in the race. "I don’t think people know how much it hurt to have Democrats and Republicans alike refer to the other side’s tactics as Mickey Mouse," said the animated rodent. "Even my old pal Ronald Reagan didn’t have to put up with that kind of abuse."

Metaphorical Sports Advice

2010-01-29T09:28:00.003-05:00

Tiger Woods is no doubt tired of hearing commentators making light of his situation by using every golf metaphor in the book. Instead, it might be a relief for the world’s greatest stickman to get some helpful advice from his famous colleagues in other sports:

Alex Rodriguez
Tiger, I feel for you, I really do. When all those rumors were swirling around about me and Madonna hitting for the cycle, I just about lost my mind. The best advice I can give you is to dig into the batter’s box, square your hips to the mound and, above all else, keep your eye on the ball. So long as your bat is ready, you can’t go wrong. But remember, even the best swinger only succeeds one out of three times. So if you find yourself striking out a lot, it just means you’re that much closer to hitting it out of the park or at least getting to third base.

Andre Agassi
It’s too bad you didn’t hang out more with Roger. Then you’d never be in trouble. But now that the damage is done, what do you do? I’d say let it ride, wait about ten years and then write a book. In the meantime, stop trying to score with aces every time. You need more of an all-around approach. That way people won’t suspect when you run around your backhand or try the occasional passing shot in a love game. But remember, if you approach the net too often, eventually you’re gonna get burned.

Joe Namath
Your big mistake, pal, was to get married. That’s the difference between a cheater and a ladies’ man. But now that you’re being blitzed by the media, here’s some friendly advice. Stay away from the sack. That doesn’t mean you have to stop making passes; it just means you have to be more discrete in your play calling. For example, try a screen play. Fake a throw to the outside, get the media leaning in that direction and then send a short, tight spiral right down the middle. Fools ‘em every time.

Michael Jordan
It’s part of the fame game, brother. The media has been hounding me with allegations of infidelity before I could even drive the lane. When they come at you with a full-court press, just deny them the ball; don’t admit anything. Then when you’re back at home drilling those three-pointers and hitting nothing but net, they’re none the wiser. Remember, though, in life, like basketball, there’s no such thing as a free throw. As always, ya gotta pay to play.

Wayne Gretzky
I feel your pain, man. I’ll never forget the media feeding frenzy when my wife Janet was involved in those gambling allegations. If you find that you’re occasionally on thin ice, make sure you have a wingman. Then you just pass the puck to the other guy and you’re in the clear. But if no one’s on your tail, take the breakaway and always shoot for the five hole. When all else fails, just remember the basics: keep your stick on the ice and your helmet strapped on.

Health Care Reform, The Series

2010-01-27T15:53:00.003-05:00

It’s official. Conan O’Brien is leaving NBC and Jay Leno will be reclaiming The Tonight Show in March. For the last two weeks in February, the network will fill the vacated 10 P.M. time slot with the Winter Olympics. But after that, it’s unclear what show will take over although rumor has it that it may be one of the following candidates:

The Conan O’Brien Show
Looking to mitigate the $32 million severance payment to Conan O’Brien, the executive geniuses at NBC have come up with an almost unique solution. They’re going to offer the carrot-topped comedian a one-hour, prime time talk show with the promise that he’ll eventually host The Tonight Show when Jay Leno leaves or hell freezes over, whichever comes first. Asked to comment on how this show will differ from the failed Jay Leno Show, NBC President Jeff Zucker said: "It won’t but at least we’ll get some of that $32 million back."

Infomercials
Long a staple of late night television, it looks like infomercials may finally crack the prime time lineup. Whether it’s a pitch for food dehydrators, juicers or cooking grills, one-hour product commercials present a tempting revenue stream for cash-strapped NBC. Production costs for the network are zero and program revenues could help offset severance payments that will likely arise from future screw-ups by network executives. "I see it as a win-win situation," said Jeff Zucker. "Hey, who knows, we may even be able to sell off the set from The Jay Leno Show and unused characters from Conan’s old show like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the Masturbating Bear.

Executive Survivor
Looking to ride the reality TV trend into the ground, NBC is reportedly considering a new offering called Executive Survivor. Current NBC execs and a group of executive wannabes compete in teams to see who will survive to run American’s fourth place network. Elimination competitions will include "Identifying possible prime time shows", "Interpreting Nielsen ratings" and "Spotting the obvious." One major advantage of this option is that so long as the show is in production, there will be no executives at NBC headquarters to screw things up even worse.

The Today Show Primetime
That’s right; The Today Show will be moved to 10 o’clock. NBC executives admit that moving Jay Leno to that hour was a mistake but they’re not giving up on the concept of massive schedule shuffling. "Rethinking the demographics and our viewer survey results suggests folks want Meredith Vieira, Matt Lauer and Al Roker on at night," said Jeff Zucker. "And if that works out, maybe we’ll just extend The Today Show to run 24/7."

Health Care Reform
One possibility is that NBC will go back to producing successful medical drama series like ER and St. Elsewhere in the 10 P.M. time slot. Shooting has already reportedly started on the new political-medical drama Health Care Reform. Shot on location in Washington, D. C., the series features members of Congress, healthcare industry lobbyists and a frustrated President engaged in an ongoing but ultimately fruitless search for meaningful reform of America’s ailing health care system. The plot lines are apparently endless since, as Jeff Zucker says: "Let’s face it; these guys screw things up even worse than we do."

The Yesternight Show

2010-01-19T09:27:00.002-05:00

"The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show."
- Conan O’Brien - January 12, 2010

The nation is in crisis. I’m not talking about the tanking economy, the two ongoing wars and the current intelligence failures. They are no doubt important. But what is far more important is the terrifying uncertainty surrounding late night television in America.

Yes, Conan has a point. After all, if a show starts at five minutes after midnight, it can’t rightly be called the Tonight Show. It could be called Late Night or the Late Show or even the Late Late Show but it’s definitely no longer Tonight.

It could be called the Today Show but that would threaten almost the entirety of NBC’s morning schedule. It might be dubbed the Tomorrow Show although I believe that used to be Tom Snyder’s venue.

It could be called the Not Tonight Show since, as previously noted, it is no longer Tonight. Perhaps it could even be called the Yesterday Show since although it is now Today, the show really wants to be on Last Night which, in fact, was Yesterday.

But Yesterday suggests a non-nighttime event, something that happens during the day. To be more accurate, it would be better to coin a new name. It’s not tonight but it would like to be tonight. It’s the Yesternight Show.

As you can see, it’s not easy being a TV executive. It requires the wisdom of Saul, the patience of Job and the intelligence of the average television viewer. Difficult decisions are constantly facing these folks and they must walk a fine line in their attempts to retain as much top talent as they can.

Speaking of the wisdom of Saul, perhaps there is a simple solution to this national tragedy-in-the-making. Like Saul’s suggestion to the two women fighting over the baby, I submit that the NBC execs simply split the difference.

Jay Leno would start at 11:35 P. M. as proposed and, instead of a half hour show, he would present a fifteen minute monologue. Then Conan would come on at 11:50 P. M. thereby preserving the "tonightness" of the Tonight Show.

Once Conan’s one-hour show wrapped up at 12:50 A. M., Jay would return to finish up his designated half hour with a second fifteen-minute segment. At that point, I suspect that it wouldn’t really matter what time Jimmy Fallon came on.

"Crazy?" you might say. Crazy, yes. Crazy like a FOX.

Two Poems For Wall Street

2010-01-08T10:03:00.002-05:00

Found posted on a lamppost on Wall Street

"FIRST THEY BAILED OUT"

In America, first they bailed out the hedge funds,
But I didn’t speak up because I was not highly leveraged;
And then they bailed out the bankers,
But I didn’t ask for anything because I was not a banker;
And then they bailed out the insurers,
But again I did not speak up because I was not an insurer;
And then they bailed out the auto companies,
But I did not complain because I was not part of the Big Three;
And then they came to bail out me,
But by then there was nothing left to give.

Found on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, December 2008

"DIVERSIFICATA"

Go placidly amid the fallen equities and waste,
and remember what growth you may have achieved before the crash.

As far as possible, having surrendered,
bear no ill will to any brokers.
Declare your capital losses quietly and clearly;
and do not listen to others,
even the gurus and financial advisors;
for they no longer have their portfolios.
Avoid loud and aggressive TV commentators;
they are vexatious to your personal worth.

If you compare your portfolio with others,
you may become sad or bitter,
for always there will be greater and better performers than yours.
Enjoy your remaining capital as well as your meager dividends.
Keep invested in your IRA, however humble;
it is a real albeit declining possession in the failing markets of today.

Exercise caution in high tech and real estate,
for the world is full of devious advisors.
But let not this blind you to what secure investments there are;
many persons strive for high yields
but be satisfied with low single-digit returns.
Be yourself. Especially do not invest offshore.
Neither be cynical about bonds,
for in the face of volatility and change
they are as dependable as the dawn.

Take kindly the three percent growth of the term deposit,
gracefully surrendering the double-digit losses of yesterday.
Nurture a cash position to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with thoughts of deflation.
Many fears are born of investor fatigue and deficits.

Beyond a strict financial plan,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the economy
no less than the bankers and the auto makers;
you have a duty to invest.
And whether or not it is profitable to you,
no doubt the markets are unfolding as they should.

Therefore, be at peace with Greenspan,
whatever you conceived Him to be.
And whatever your investment losses
in the noisy confusion of finance,
keep bonds in your portfolio.

With all its Madoffs, Lehman Brothers and AIGs;
it is still a beautiful market.
Be patient. Strive to be conservatively invested.

Hoisted By Their Own Petards

2010-01-08T09:23:00.002-05:00

The genesis of the ongoing Tiger Woods scandal was an apparent, somewhat ironic use of a golf club by his wife Elin Nordegren to inflict damage on Tiger’s Cadillac Escalade. But some recent shallow scholarship has revealed that this is not the first time that a celebrity has been attacked with the tools of his own trade.

Dimaggio-Monroe
Legend has it that the short-lived marriage between Marilyn Monroe and the Yankee Clipper was a tempestuous affair. Although difficult to confirm, it is believed that one major blowup culminated with Ms. Monroe swinging for the Yankee’s head with a 34-ounce Lou Gehrig model Louisville Slugger lightly tarred near the handle. Luckily for Joltin’ Joe, the only damage was a broken coffee carafe and a slightly bruised ego.

Gretzky-Jones
Some unreliable sources report that when hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky confronted his wife about her alleged gambling infractions a few years ago, she went ballistic. If seldom reliable reports are true, Ms. Jones’s weapon of choice was an Easton aluminum hockey stick with a slightly curved blade and an unusually low lie. The only reported victims were some glassware and an autographed Edmonton Oilers souvenir plate from the team’s 1984 Stanley Cup-winning season.

Beckham-Spice
Five years ago, rumors of marital infidelity swirled around British soccer star David Beckham. Although Mr. Beckham dismissed the rumors as "ludicrous", his wife Victoria Beckham was not so easily mollified. The former Spice Girl apparently flew into a blind rage and started pummelling her fleet-footed footballer husband with a trio of Adidas +Teamgeist model soccer balls. Despite his advancing years, Mr. Beckham was reportedly still agile enough to dodge two shots and head the third one harmlessly away.

Roth-Bloom
Perhaps the most notorious literary marriage of the late 20th century, the Roth-Bloom coupling was awash in deceit, lies and infidelity. The details of that ill-fated romance are set out in Claire Bloom’s memoir "Leaving a Doll’s House." What the actress didn’t reveal, however, was that she, too, used Philip Roth’s own tools against him. Insiders report that Mr. Roth more than once showed up at a local hospital with superficial wounds inflicted by everything from an HB pencil to an IBM Selectric. Some say that his medical records also reveal psychological injuries no doubt caused by his enraged spouse’s excessive use of double entendres, mixed metaphors and dangling participles.

Napoléon-Joséphine
The storied love between the Emperor Napoléon and his Empress Joséphine lives on in legend even today. But what is not so well known is how Joséphine reacted to her husband’s frequent dalliances with other women. Given his small stature, it has been reported that the empress’s favorite method of revenge was to push the tiny emperor over, hold him down with his right hand lodged inside his vest and inflict a painful series of noogies, wedgies and Indian burns.

Zeus-Hera
Known as a jealous and spiteful wife, Hera took many actions to thwart Zeus’s extramarital activities. What isn’t so widely known, however, is the manner in which she took revenge on her wayward hubby in the privacy of their own digs atop Mount Olympus. In ancient Greek times, the rumblings emanating from that fabled mountaintop were thought to be Hera’s use of Zeus’s own lightning and thunderbolts to keep him in line. Indeed, a closer examination of statues of the former Hellenic deity reveal light burn and singe marks throughout his ample beard.

Tiger's Albatross

2009-12-15T09:35:00.002-05:00

To date, Tiger Woods has not made a full disclosure about his alleged indiscretions. However, the following discarded first draft of a public apology obtained from seldom reliable sources suggests that one may be forthcoming soon:

Although I originally asked that all this be treated as a private matter, I now realize that I owe my fans an explanation. I consider that to be a fair way to deal with my situation.

As long as I can remember, golf has been my life. No matter how rough the path or how tough the lie, I have always tried to shoot straight and avoid the bunkers.

It is with that attitude that I address you today. While it is true that I recently landed in a few traps, I assumed that I could scramble and avoid further hazards.

I now have to admit to ending up with an unplayable lie. Given that unfortunate occurrence, I was hoping to be granted a relief or at least be allowed to simply play through.

I recognize that what I have done may have been out of bounds. All I can say is that I hope you can forgive me and gimmie a free drop.

I acknowledge that I have let you the fans down. I had a reputation to uphold and I clearly did not read the green properly. Despite my penchant for the double D and holing out, I should have kept my putter true and left my ball at home.

Although I am famous for my long game, especially on the back nine, that’s no excuse for not adopting an open stance. Yes, I like my tip stiffness on the harder side and I can usually be counted on for a spectacular woodie or two each round. But just because someone has an itch doesn’t mean he should scratch it.

I think you’ll agree that I’m known for coming up big when there’s a trouble shot. Whether it’s nailing a wind cheater off the tee or holing a snake from sixty yards, I’ve never been known as a sand bagger.

So these latest accusations sting like a triple bogey on the first hole of a playoff. But please forgive me and I promise that, from now on, I’ll keep my wood on the course and my balls in my bag.

Enquirer Seeks Bailout

2009-12-09T14:52:00.001-05:00

In a late breaking development in the ongoing Tiger Woods scandal, "The National Enquirer" has asked for a federal bailout.

"We’ve held off going hat in hand to the government as long as we could," said Managing Editor Frank Lee Prurient. "But we’ve kind of hit the wall on this Tiger Woods thing."

Apparently The Enquirer is not rolling in dough as many thought. Taking on the investigative duties formerly performed by the mainstream media has inflicted a heavy financial toll.

The Tiger Woods story appears to be the straw that broke the tabloid’s fiscal back. Although the initial disclosures did not cause too much of a burden on the paper, the escalating stream of revelations has threatened its ongoing viability.

"Look," said Prurient. "We can handle two, three, maybe even four or five mistresses coming forward. But once we get past half a dozen bimbo eruptions, it’s a real strain on our bottom line."

Luckily for The Enquirer, the federal government recently announced that not all of the huge bank bailout fund will need to be used. That leaves $200 billion or more available for public works, job creation and support for other industries in financial peril.

"I think we qualify on all three counts," said Prurient. "All we need is one or two hundred million dollars," said the managing editor. "That’s a drop in the bucket for the government’s TARP program but it would work miracles for us. Let’s face it; when you’re trying to track down the sexual partners of a billionaire like Tiger Woods, you need all the cash you can get."

President Obama has not commented yet on The Enquirer’s request but is reportedly cool to the idea. An unidentified White House spokesperson has instead suggested some of the bailout money be spent on identifying women who have not slept with Tiger Woods.

"In the long run, we think it would be a wiser allocation of government funds," said the anonymous source. "After all, it’s bound to cost a lot less to find out who hasn’t slept with Mr. Woods than to find out who has."

What's Next For Oprah?

2009-12-03T16:14:00.001-05:00

Let’s have some fun and try completing this sentence: "Oprah ends her talk show in 2011 and decides instead to....."

* Groom Sarah Palin as her talk show host replacement, the new show to be called "Simply Sarah."
* Take on Dave, Jay, Conan, et al. with the first late night talk show hosted by a woman since Joan Rivers’s ill-fated, short-lived run with "The Late Show" on Fox in 1986.
* Challenge Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and T. Boone Pickens to a high-stakes, winner-take-all poker game for financial domination of the free world.
* Open her own bookstore called Oprah’s Book Club.
* Buy Amazon.com and call it OprahsBookClub.com.
* Spend more time with her family.
* Adopt a third-world orphan and give him or her a new life.
* Adopt a small, third-world country and develop it into a member of the G20.
* Eat anything she damn well pleases for the next twenty years.
* Build her own theater in Vegas and perform two shows nightly with added weekend matinees until Celine Dion cries "Uncle!"
* Buy the Chicago Cubs and get them into the World Series.
* Establish a seniors’ home for retired (or should-be-retired) daytime talk show hosts like Phil Donahue, Jerry Springer and Montel Williams.
* Take as much time as necessary to get Stedman to stop calling himself a consultant and get a real job.
* Start calling herself Ms. Winfrey again.
* Replace Joe Biden as the Vice Presidential candidate on Barack Obama’s ticket for 2012.
* Replace Barack Obama on the 2012 ticket.

Pardoned Turkey Kills Again

2009-11-27T16:14:00.002-05:00

Just when they thought things couldn’t get any worse, White House officials learned that this year’s pardoned Thanksgiving turkey has gone on a nationwide killing spree.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs was tightlipped and circumspect in announcing the tragic events. This year’s pardoned poultry, a 45-pound bird named Courage, apparently escaped from Big Thunder Ranch in Disneyland’s Frontierland where he ended up after his stint as grand marshal of Disneyland’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

"The White House regrets to announce that the turkey pardoned by President Obama on Wednesday has killed upwards of six people in southern California," said Mr. Gibbs. "And there are reports that he may have injured dozens more."

Investigations have revealed that Courage (a.k.a. Salmonella Sam) was known to authorities for some time as a vicious spreader of various bacteria. Apparently it is not just undercooked turkeys who are a threat to the American people.

"Live turkeys are even more dangerous," said FDA spokesperson Harold Haroldson. "If they manage to sneak into your home, they can spread bacteria without you even knowing it."

The FBI has issued an all-points bulletin asking citizens to be on the lookout for a rather large, white, feathered turkey who is unarmed yet considered to be very dangerous. According to authorities, the bird is not a flight risk although he can flap his wings and travel at speeds of upwards of three miles an hour.

The White House hopes to have the wayward bird back in captivity soon although the President has apparently not yet decided if it will be returned to Big Thunder Ranch or will instead serve as next year’s Thanksgiving dinner at Guantanamo Bay.

Whatever course of action the President ultimately chooses, it looks like Joe Biden has already decided to take matters into his own hands. The Vice President was reportedly last seen on Air Force Two heading east to Istanbul declaring that, unlike the Bush Administration, "this White House has no intention of pardoning Turkey."

The Palin Book Flu

2009-11-20T10:16:00.001-05:00

As America continues to battle the spread of the swine flu, it is now facing a new threat: the Palin book flu. Until recently, this novel virus was thought to have been contained and to be relatively mild. But thanks to an unscrupulous publisher, the Palin bug has now been released in the thousands and appears to be spreading rapidly across the country.

The Palin book flu is classified as a member of the political memoir family of viruses. In many respects, it resembles other members of that viral family in that it contains innocuous biographical information. However, it appears to be much more virulent than other such viruses in that it contains large doses of innuendo and character assassination.

The Palin book flu also differs in who and how it infects. Unlike other political memoirs, its readers often comprise the young, the politically naive and others lacking a fully-formed populist bafflegab immune system.

Most political memoirs are released into the general population in December in anticipation of pre-Christmas seasonal sales. The Palin book flu, on the other hand, started appearing much earlier in mid-November which makes it difficult for authorities to take measures to halt its spread.

The Palin book flu also differs from other literary bugs in the pattern of its transmission. Normally new literary creations appear first in major centers like New York and Los Angeles and spread out from there. The Palin book flu’s epidemiological pattern seems to be counterintuitive with most reported cases showing up in Middle America.

In fact, political epidemiologists have labelled this new bug a so-called rogue virus. Its geographical pattern seems to be entirely unpredictable with outbreaks being reported in such centers as Fort Wayne, Grand Rapids, Columbus and a dozen other swing state cities.

Some high profile individuals have already been hit with this new flu and report that its effects are nasty and long lasting. Former presidential candidate John McCain, for one, is still feeling the effects of the Palin book flu and may never fully recover. Broadcast journalist Katie Couric is another flu victim who is reportedly still suffering from aftereffects such as a bruised ego and falling ratings.

Sarah Palin, the creator of the eponymous bug, has shown no remorse for the damage it has inflicted on the country. In fact, she has actively promoted and encouraged the spread of the dangerous book by enlisting such TV personalities as Oprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters.

The White House has reportedly taken active steps to halt or at least slow the spread of the Palin book virus. Although officials are not overly concerned about its immediate effect on the population, they are apparently worried about its long term effects. As it is currently constituted, the virus is not too dangerous but it could easily mutate and add presidential aspirations to its genetic makeup.

To this end, the federal government has begun identifying the virus and developing a vaccine. Usually a flu vaccine is created from a dead version of the virus which is used to stimulate one’s immune response. In this case, however, it is believed that a novel approach must be adopted and that, in order to be truly effective, the vaccine must contain a judicious mix of fact, policy and historical knowledge. It is hoped that such a mixture will protect readers from a full-blown infection before the fall of 2012 at the very latest.

A Dobbsian World View

2009-11-17T11:37:00.002-05:00

It’s official; longtime CNN anchor Lou Dobbs has resigned. The controversial host of "Lou Dobbs Tonight" reportedly felt constrained by his network’s policy of neutrality and impartiality.

"I tried to call things as I saw them," said Dobbs. "Like illegal immigration and foreign-born presidents. But I was always having to ratchet back my true feelings on the issues of the day."

CNN had reportedly urged Mr. Dobbs to moderate his opinions but the popular host apparently chafed under those restrictions. Now, however, he will be free to give full voice to his views on all manner of topics.

"Sure, I came down hard on illegal immigration," the former host said. "But I could only tell half the story. It turns out that illegal Hispanics are not the worst of it. When you really examine the issue of illegal aliens, it’s hard not to avoid the indisputable fact that most of them are true aliens coming from other solar systems."

Pressed to provide further details, Dobbs at first said that he would wait to expand and expound on these new controversial views when he had assumed a new hosting position. In the end, however, he couldn’t resist.

"Let’s just say that true illegal aliens are even trickier and more troubling than those folks sneaking over our southern border," said the former financial reporter. "And once I have nailed down a new TV host position, I’ll be able to discuss the matter in more detail."

Although Dobbs wouldn’t say too much, it appears that he sees more trouble on the horizon for America.

"A lot of folks dismiss the Birther movement," said Dobbs. "But I think there’s a lot more to it than meets the eye. If you check into the president’s history, you can’t even find a birth record for him from Kenya. And when you hear the name Barack Obama, it’s hard to place it in any country on this planet. I don’t know what kind of records they keep in the Alpha Centauri star system but I wouldn’t be surprised to find Barack Obama filed right between Banik Oaruma and Bornak Ozckx."

Without giving too much away, Mr. Dobbs hinted that he’s also prepared to demonstrate how John Kerry’s Swift Boat Navy service gave rise to global warming which in turn has secretly necessitated the implementation of death panels.

"It’s not like I’m finding a conspiracy under every rock," said Dobbs. "But I wouldn’t be surprised to find something under every second or third rock."

As for a potential new anchor position for the populist porcine pundit, his initial optimism about landing a new gig may be misplaced. "Yes we’ve had an enquiry," said Fox News’s Glenn Beck. "And we think the world of Lou but, let’s face it, he’s too nutty even for us."

White House Trick-or-treaters

2009-10-30T14:00:00.002-04:00

It’s Halloween and that means American homes from coast to coast will be visited by scary costumed trick-or-treaters. And that includes the nation’s First Residence: The White House. Here are some of the frightening visitors President Obama can expect this Saturday night.

The Clintons
Hillary drops by to remind Obama what he can expect in 2012 if he doesn’t give her some more treats. She’s not saying she’ll run against him in three years’ time but she’s not saying she won’t either. But if Hillary doesn’t get what she wants, she may just unleash her sidekick Scary Bill.

The Birthers
They’re back and they’re scarier than ever. They’re the Birthers and now they’ve got a whole new crazy story about Obama’s non-American origins. It turns out that he was really born in the Panama Canal Zone as the love child of Che Guevara and former Black Panther Angela Davis.

Joe Biden
He looks friendly and harmless but once he opens his mouth, he can scare the bejesus out of the president. Dressed as a loose canon, Joe Biden also has loose shoes, loose lips and a loose tongue.

Nobel Peace Prize
It hasn’t gone away and it’s even creepier than before. Now the prize is showing up to remind Obama that he has to come to Oslo in December to accept an award that he’s done little to deserve. Like an albatross hanging around his neck, it looks like this prize will haunt him for years.

Sgt. Joseph Crowley
Recently transferred from the Boston police force, Sgt. Crowley pays a Halloween visit to The White House after receiving an anonymous report of a scary black man trying to break in. Hopefully the president won’t protest or he might be charged with GWB - governing while black.

The Public Option
Just when the president thought it had died, the Public Option is back and it’s as frightening as ever with its scary threats of government involvement and universal access. If Obama can’t drive a stake through its Medicare-shaped heart, the Public Option may kill healthcare reform forever.

Sarah Palin
This year, the former Alaska governor is wearing a new scary costume; she’s coming as a Death Panel. In a frightening ironic twist for Obama, the more he attacks Ms. Palin with facts and logic, the stronger she becomes.

The Campaign Promises
This group of Halloween visitors is the president’s worst nightmare. Whether it’s Healthcare Reform; Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; or The Iraq War, their appearance is a scary reminder of goals unmet. If this gang of trick-or-treaters keeps coming back, Obama may have to find a new residence in three years.

The American Voter
Possibly the scariest visitor to The White House, the American Voter is as crazy and unpredictable as an Oxycontin-fueled, right-wing radio talk show host. One minute he wants change and the next minute he doesn’t. Frightening as it is to consider, this spooky character twice elected George W. Bush.

A Brand New Philly Phanatic

2009-10-29T10:08:00.002-04:00

Hey Philadelphians. Do me a favor. Do whatever you can to help your Phillies beat the Yankees.

It’s not that I’m a genuine Phillies fan. In fact, if truth be told, I’m still a Montreal Expos fan. That’s right; the same hapless Expos who slunk out of town five years ago to become the hapless Washington Nationals.

In fact, I can’t really say that I owe any one team an allegiance at this point. But there is one thing I do know. Through thick and thin, from my earliest baseball memory to my latest diamond disappointment, there has been one faithful, abiding constant: I hate the New York Yankees.

No matter who wore the Yankee pinstripes over the last fifty years, I disliked them. That encompasses an historical hate on that includes Mickey Mantle, Derek Jeter and every pinstripes-wearing player in between.

So when I ask you Philadelphians to do your best to cheer on your team, it’s not because of a soft spot for the Phillies or even a mild preference for National League teams. It’s a request born of something much deeper and stronger: Yankee hatred.

I think most of you understand where I’m coming from. After all, the Yankees are a franchise whose fans are whining because they haven’t won a World Series since 2003. Big deal. You folks know what a real Series-winning drought is and it sure ain’t six years.

Philly fans have experienced disappointment over the years. Despite making it to the World Series seven times, the team has only won two titles and the first one didn’t come until 1980, a Chicago Cubs-sized dry spell if there ever was one.

And when it comes to disappointments, let’s not forget one of the biggest chokes in baseball history, the 1964 6½-game Phold under manager Gene Mauch. That’s the same Gene Mauch who guided the Montreal Expos to their perennial second division finishes for the first seven years of their existence.

Some might say: "Hey, the Phillies won it last year; it’s time for someone else to get a chance." Oh yeah? Someone other than the Yankees maybe. But with the Bronx Bombers, we’re talking about baseball’s richest franchise, a franchise that has won 40 American League pennants and 26 - count ‘em 26 - World Series titles.

The Yankees need another championship like Philadelphia needs another cracked bell. Given your team’s long-suffering history, back-to-back Series victories is not asking for too much. Let those damn Yankees wait for a change. Let them see what it’s like to go decades without a title.

So let me hear you this Saturday when the bad guys show up at Citizens Bank Park. Give them a little taste of brotherly hate and, with any luck, they’ll be run out of town by Sunday night. Not only will Philadelphians celebrate but so will I and millions of other temporary Philly fans.

Obama Re-gifts the Nobel

2009-10-22T11:20:00.003-04:00

Ever since the news broke about this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, it’s been pretty clear that President Obama is not that happy to receive it. As with any unwanted gift, there are a number of ways to get rid of it. One of the most popular options is re-gifting as shown by these recently revealed e-mails:

Hillary Clinton
Thanks for offering me the Nobel Peace Prize, Barack. It’s potentially a great honor but I just wouldn’t feel right about accepting it. Those Norwegian guys gave it to you and I think that you should keep it. I’m sure it will be a big plus for you if you ever decide to run for reelection.

Bill Clinton
Thanks for the offer, big guy. I’d really like to take it ‘cause I know that no one has done more to promote world peace and friendly relations than me. But Hillary says I’ll be back in the doghouse if I let you off the hook.

George W. Bush
It was great to hear from you Bobama. Hope all is well in The White House. Did you ever find that extra trillion dollars I hid in the Oval Office? Just kidding; I’m pretty sure I left nothing behind. As for the prize, thanks but no thanks. That middle east mess is all yours now, buddy.

Benjamin Netanyahu
Oy vey! I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so hard. I know you probably don’t deserve the prize but I have to admit that I probably deserve it even less. Plus, it’s kind of a bad luck charm around here if you remember what happened to the last Israeli who got it.

Hamid Karzai
You’re kidding, right? My country’s overrun with Taliban and I can’t even fix my reelection without everybody getting all democratic on me. Believe me, the last thing I need is a secondhand peace prize.

Kim Jong-il
Whoa, whoa! Not so fast. You always giving me hard time about nuclear bombs and rocket testing and all that crazy stuff. Now you want me to do you a favor? How about we talk this over and you tell me what’s in it for me? I was thinking maybe a case of Scotch, a Rolex and a couple of iPods.

Mahmoud Ahmajinedad
Sure, I’ll take it. Does it come with any money or fissionable material?

An Unseasonable Election

2009-10-20T10:20:00.002-04:00

With all this talk of a fall election, it behoves us to consider the merits of an autumnal trip to the polling booth. Is that really the best time?

Personally, I love the fall. Crisp, clear, sunny days with cool nights perfect for sleeping. But is it a good time for an election?

I would say no. After all, why would we want to take away any days from this delightful season? Given our short summers, it would be a crime to reduce our opportunities to enjoy the fall colors and the fall harvest.

Plus we’re pretty busy this time of year. The kids are back at school, the workplace is in post-vacation mode and Halloween preparations are already under way.

So if a fall election is out, what about a winter election? Who would care if a campaign interrupted our six-month annual hibernation?

Well, I would for one. It’s true that there’s not a lot to look forward to during winter. Our time is taken up with such horrid chores as shovelling snow, changing winter tires, washing dirty cars and endlessly putting on and taking off layers of heavy clothing.

Why would we want to insert another unwanted chore in the middle of this season from hell? Canadian winters are depressing enough as it is without throwing in an election campaign to boot. It’s tough enough to make it to spring without listening to Messrs. Harper, Ignatieff, Layton and Duceppe for five straight weeks.

So what about spring? It’s the season of renewal, of new life, new hopes and new beginnings. Surely those metaphors alone should auger well for an election.

Not so fast. Yes, spring is great. But remember, this is Canada. Spring generally lasts all of five weeks which it just so happens is the typical length of a federal election campaign.

Do you want to remember spring as a five-week, coast-to-coast gabfest by our feckless leaders? I didn’t think so.

Which leaves us summer. A lovely season when it occasionally decides to show up. But not the time to hold an election.

Summer is our one chance to get away from it all. And "all" includes politics in general and elections in particular.

As Vivaldi might have said: "So much for the four seasons." So when should we have an election? Personally, I’d say let’s hold an election any time so long as it’s not in the spring, summer, winter or fall. I think most Canadians would be on board with such a seasonable proposal.

Death Panel Implementation

2009-10-15T10:01:00.003-04:00

In his recent address to Congress, President Obama derisively dismissed Sarah Palin’s accusation that the Democrats’ healthcare reform package includes provisions for so-called death panels. But recently leaked White House documents suggest that maybe the former Alaska governor was right.

Memorandum *** TOP SECRET ***

To: The President
From: Some Guy
Re: Death Panel Proposal

Once a final bill has been agreed to by both the House and the Senate, it will be time to start planning ahead for the creation, composition and regulation of the new Death Panels.

First off, I strongly suggest that we change the term Death Panel. Secret polling has revealed that an overwhelming majority of respondents don’t react well to that phrase. We’ve been kicking around a few other names for your consideration and have attached them as Schedule A.

Personally, I’m kind of partial to The Taxpayer Reduction Tribunal. Anything that includes the words "tax" and "reduction" is bound to sound good to a lot of voters.

I also like The End-of-life Planning Board and The Early Checkout Council. Everyone likes to plan and an early checkout suggests efficiency and convenience.

Next, of course, you’re gong to have to set your mind to the board’s structure. We’re thinking literally of a tribunal, as in panels of three so we won’t get stuck with tie votes when it comes to final decisions. The last thing a dying citizen needs is uncertainty when it comes to end-of-life choices.

As for those end-of-life choices, I think we should encourage the tribunal to issue their final decisions with as many options as possible to the prospective decedent. It’s always nice to think you have some say over your final fate even if all of the available choices lead to the same result. In this regard, we’re hoping to get group discount rates on everything from cyanide to handguns to help the public minimize the expense of judgment implementation.

So long as the panel hearing a particular case leaves it up to the individual coming before them to effect the panel’s final ruling, they can’t be faulted for just doing their job. I think we’ll only run into problems when overzealous tribunal members insist on carrying out the final decisions themselves.

Of course there will be difficult cases where applicants may not want to abide by the tribunal decision. Sadly, it may be necessary to assist certain reticent individuals to see the wisdom of the tribunal’s ruling.

As with other government functions, we think it would be wise to consider sub-contracting out the job in such cases to designated, pre-approved "death consultants." I understand that there is already a lengthy waiting list of eager applicants.

Finally, in order to achieve some much-needed "buy-in", we strongly recommend that the Chairperson’s position be paid at a significantly higher level and that a prominent American be appointed. We understand that Governor Palin is currently looking for work. If you could convince her to sign on, we think that could be a win-win-win situation for you, Ms. Palin and the American healthcare system.

Dr. Politics

2009-10-13T10:14:00.002-04:00

A leaked transcript of a recent D. C.-area therapy session:

DR. POLITICS: Come on in, Mr. Party. Lie down and let’s begin.
G. O. PARTY: Sure, doc, and thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
DR. POLITICS: Not a problem. I always have time for my regular patients. However, I note that I haven’t seen you in over eight years? How have you been?
G. O. PARTY: Not so good. I was doing great for the longest time and then all of a sudden I just lost it.
DR. POLITICS: When you say "lost it", what exactly do you mean?
G. O. PARTY: I mean I lost a majority in the Senate, a majority in the House and the presidency. About all I’ve got left are a few governorships and Rush Limbaugh.
DR. POLITICS: Wow! You’ve certainly been through some rough times.
G. O. PARTY: Yeah, and it’s not looking any brighter doc. What am I going to do?
DR. POLITICS: Now as I recall, you went through a similar experience back in the nineties. Is that right? Maybe we can learn something from how you handled that depression.
G. O. PARTY: Yes I did but that was different. Back then, I sometimes had a House majority and, even though I didn’t have the presidency, I had ways of coping.
DR. POLITICS: Jog my memory, G. O. How did you cope back then?
G. O. PARTY: Well I just kept digging up dirt on the incumbent and calling him out on all his sexual improprieties. It was easy and, to tell you the truth, it was a lot of fun. But these days, that doesn’t work at all.
DR. POLITICS: How so?
G. O. PARTY: You see, doc, even though this new guy’s from Chicago, he’s clean as a whistle. I just can’t get any dirt on him. In fact, this time, it’s my friends who keep getting caught with their pants down. It’s downright depressing.
DR. POLITICS: Maybe it’s time to change tactics, G. O. Rather than trying to undermine the other side, perhaps you’d do better if you concentrated on yourself, came up with some new ideas and adopted a more positive attitude..
G. O. PARTY: That’s easy for you to say doc but, honestly, I haven’t had a new idea in years and I’m not sure I’ve got any to offer. How about "More war and less tax"?
DR. POLITICS: No, no, no. That’s not what I meant. Why not hold a policy convention and create a new platform? Or how about working with the other side to come up with some constructive compromises? You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel if you try to help others.
G. O. PARTY: I don’t know, doc. I really miss the Bush years. We got to do and say whatever we wanted to and we didn’t have to be nice to anyone. Why can’t things be like that again?
DR. POLITICS: I’m sorry but I see that our time is up. I suggest we book a series of appointments to work on your issues, G. O. Are you free for the next eight years?

The Obama Network

2009-10-06T15:11:00.003-04:00

MEMO

TO: The President
FROM: Rahm
RE: Next week’s media schedule

MONDAY
"The Today Show" - 8:10 A. M.
Live appearance on "The Today Show." Be sure to joke about Al Roker’s weight loss and congratulate him on his new healthy lifestyle. Speaking of health, etc., etc..... Fly back to Washington.

"The Ellen Show" - 10:15 A. M.
Brief satellite feed for "The Ellen Show" from the White House kitchen. Demonstrate for Ellen your healthy recipe for chicken fajitas. Speaking of health, yada, yada, yada.

"The Noon Show" - 12 Noon
Appear live on WDCA-TV’s noon show and guest host the weather segment. Point out current warming trends. Speaking of warming, outline administration’s latest plans to deal with global climate change.

"Movie Matinee" - 2 P. M.
Fill in for host on WETA-TV’s "Movie Matinee" and introduce today’s movie: "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." Use spot to tout your plans to clean up politics in Washington. Be sure to stress how much you love Jimmy Stewart.

"Traffic Report" - 5 P. M.
Live feed to Chicago radio station WGN-AM to do their 4 P. M. traffic report. Be sure to note the increasing numbers of domestically produced cars on the road, undoubtedly due to the success of your "Cash for Clunkers" program.

"Dancing with the Stars" - 8 P. M.
Pre-taped appearance on tonight’s episode of "Dancing with the Stars." Thanks to Tom Delay’s unexpected retirement for unspecified dance-related charges, you were paired with professional dancer Cheryl Burke for a performance of the Washington two-step. After show airs, be sure to highlight the two major steps required to implement health care reform.

"Monday Night Football" - 9:30 P. M.
Brief satellite appearance on "Monday Night Football" at halftime of Carolina-Dallas game. Scripted banter with Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski about the difficulties in "quarterbacking" legislation through Congress. Stress how politics, like football, is a team sport and that we all need to be using the same playbook, etc., etc. Remember that new Cowboys Stadium has 20,000 square feet of video screen so go easy on the smile.

"The Jay Leno Show" - 10:20 P. M.
Videotaped segment for "The Jay Leno Show." Scripted jokes stress Jay’s revival after leaving "The Tonight Show" and your upcoming revival after slapping down the Republicans. Comments on Jay’s healthy appearance, his car collection and the temperature in the studio lead to discussions of healthcare, the auto industry and global warming.

(Final reminder: Don’t forget to practice your lines for upcoming cameo in the medical drama "Grey’s Anatomy." Still checking to see if we can change script to include reference to "single-payer public option.")

The Rudies

2009-09-23T09:52:00.002-04:00

Rapper Kanye West has apologized for his outburst at the recent MTV Video Music Awards. But it doesn’t look like it will affect his chances of winning a Rudie at the upcoming first annual Rude and Offensive Celebrities Awards show to be held in New York City next month.

"Of course we prefer to see rude incidents untainted by subsequent apologies," said ROCA’s Honorary Chairman Dick Cheney. "But I understand that not all celebrities have the ability to never admit fault and never say they’re sorry. That’s why we try to judge each entrant only on the inherent rudeness of his or her particular performance"

For his part, Mr. West is cautiously optimistic about his chances of winning a Rudie.

"I’ve been disappointed by bad ass judges so many times that I don’t want to get my hopes up," said West. "But I do know one thing; if I don’t win this award, you’ll definitely hear about it."

Just like other award shows, the Rudies provide a wide array of categories for celebrity complainers to compete in. For example, this year, it looked like the Rudest Politician of the Year award was going to be a close contest between former governors Sarah Palin and Rod Blagojevich. But a surprise last minute nomination for little known South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson now appears to make him the odds-on favorite.

"Saying the President lied in front of a joint session of Congress definitely merits consideration," said Dick Cheney. "Particularly when he didn’t. Believe me; I know the power of the big lie and this guy Wilson showed some big time rudeness that deserves to be recognized."

In the world of sports, there are plenty of nominees in each individual category from Barry Bonds to Brett Favre to John McEnroe. But when it comes to overall sports rudeness, the hands down winner this year is likely to be tennis star Serena Williams for abusing not only her racket but also a diminutive U. S. Open line judge.

Serena has promised to show up for the awards show and hopes to graciously accept a trophy in one or more categories. If not, however, she is prepared, as she put it, to "shove the **** trophy down someone’s throat."

This year’s awards ceremony will be broadcast from the Capital of Rude: New York City. Co-hosted by the Kings of Rude, Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck, the show will start at 9 P.M. and finish whenever the organizers damn well feel like it.

Obama the Socialist

2009-09-15T09:18:00.002-04:00

Certain conservative commentators have criticized President Obama’s recent address to the students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia as a political attempt to indoctrinate America’s children to his socialist agenda. While some have since backed off from those criticisms after actually hearing the President’s speech, a more careful reading of the text suggests that their initial instincts may well have been right.

Check out the introduction. In it, Obama says that some of the students were probably wishing that it was still summer and that they could’ve stayed in bed a little longer. Isn’t that just typical of our Grasshopper-in-Chief? Stay in bed kids and let the ants do all the work. Don’t worry about the coming winter; the government will take care of you.

Then Obama goes on to say that he knows that feeling himself since he lived in Indonesia for a few years. Indonesia. Isn’t that one of those Muslim socialist states? I’m just saying, that’s all. And by the way, we still haven’t seen that American birth certificate, Mr.-so-called-President.

Obama said he wanted to talk to the students about what’s expected of them this new school year. If that sounds like a call to arms to a new socialist agenda, you’re probably right. What needs changing anyway? The three Rs were good enough for you and me and they should be good enough for a leftie like Obama, too.

Then the President urged the children to not spend every waking hour with an Xbox. How anti-capitalist is that? Since when do we urge our citizens not to buy and use consumer goods? And why would he trash the Xbox and not mention the Nintendo Wii? It sounds like Obama has a plan alright; a plan to allow American children only one government-approved amusement device in their homes.

Some would say his call to students to study so they can become Supreme Court justices is laudable. Think again. All this sinister man is doing is inculcating socialist thoughts into the heads of our students so that some day he’ll have even more left-leaning robots as potential candidates for his Supreme Socialist Court.

It doesn’t take a genius to see what Obama is up to. In fact, you don’t even have to read between the lines. At one point he refers to the thinking skills students can gain from "history and social studies." Social studies? Whatever happened to good old-fashioned, 1950s-style "citizenship education"?

And then he tells our kids to spend more time each day reading. Reading what, Mr. President? "Das Kapital" and "The Communist Manifesto"? No wonder he’s urging our young people to turn off their TVs.

Obama finishes off his speech by urging the students to ask for help when they need it. Help, as in assistance as in social assistance? How un-American is that? You made it on your own and I made it on my own and our kids will make it on their own, too, without any "help" from pinkos like Obama.

Now, as for the President’s address tonight on healthcare reform to a joint session of Congress, don’t get me started.

Money For Nothing

2009-09-01T15:47:00.001-04:00

"Cash for Clunkers" is over but that’s apparently not the end of the financial stimulus programs under consideration by the Obama administration. Check out these upcoming initiatives:

Bucks for Bikes
In the same vein as "Cash for Clunkers", "Bucks for Bikes" has been designed to revive America’s moribund bicycle manufacturing industry. Consumers will be able to turn in their ancient Schwinns, Raleighs and banana bikes for snazzy new 18-speed, titanium racing machines and get cash rebates of up to $500. Currently there are roughly zero bike plants in the United States but it is hoped this program will triple that number by next year.

Dough for Doughnuts
Economists have shown that the most effective stimulus is at the basic retail level. And the easiest way to get more bang for the government buck is to subsidize something every American likes: doughnuts. This plan calls for a ten cent discount on every doughnut sold. Not only will this program help out bakeries and doughnut shops from coast to coast, it should also save money by reducing the number of Americans who live long enough to collect Social Security.

Pesos for Pedros
Looking to solve the ongoing problem of illegal immigration, the Obama administration hopes to implement its new "Pesos for Pedro" program. Government economists have crunched the numbers and determined that the breakeven point for most illegal aliens from south of the border is about $4,500. So the feds plan to offer $5,000 and a free bus ticket home to any illegal willing to sign on. Given the current state of the economy, however, there is some concern that there may not be sufficient funds available since many American citizens may also opt for the offer.

C-notes for B-flats
Billed as a win-win program, "C-notes for B-flats" will grant $100 to any music student willing to buy a clarinet, trumpet or saxophone. Not only will the education system benefit, the entire musical instrument industry will get a much-needed boost. If successful, the government hopes to expand the program to include other band and orchestral instruments under related programs like "Hundreds for Horns", "Benjamins for Basses" and "Franklins for Fiddles."

Greenbacks for Guns
Most politicians are loathe to touch the issue of gun control. But the current administration thinks they have the answer in "Greenbacks for Guns." They may not be able to slow the sale of guns but they do hope to stop the spread of weapons by offering cash incentives to Americans to turn in their personal arsenals. At worst, the program will simply give the firearms industry a lift. At best, it might keep town hall meetings gun-free.

Money for Nothing
That’s right; it’s "Money for Nothing." Sounds great, right? But sadly for you, it’s a large-scale program designed only for banks and other financial institutions. Don’t mistake this for last year’s bailout. That plan had strings attached and payback provisions. This one consists of outright gifts. After all, if you can’t trust the banks to use the money sensibly, who can you trust?

A Modest Proposal

2009-08-27T17:07:00.002-04:00

The national debate over healthcare reform has galvanized the citizenry. From coast to coast, town hall meetings have erupted into angry shouting matches about everything from socialism to universal coverage to so-called "death panels."

Personally, I think the talk of "death panels" is premature. Although health care costs are skyrocketing primarily due to a demographic shift in favor of the elderly, it’s a bit early to consider writing off our senior citizens entirely. After all, the United States is a compassionate country. Americans don’t dismiss an entire generation callously or at least not without trying other options first. Yet, given the costs involved, maybe it’s time to start thinking outside the box. Hence, the following modest proposal.

Since the primary strain and drain on the health care system comes from the elderly, we have to find a way to limit the growth of this segment of society. One way is to encourage our seniors to leave the country.

By significantly reducing social security and Medicare payments, some aging citizens will be convinced to move elsewhere to spend their golden years. Mexico, say, where the weather is more agreeable or Canada where they can benefit from that country’s system of socialized medicine. Given the net benefit to the U. S., it probably makes sense to also use positive incentives like emigration assistance grants to speed the process along.

Another approach is to gradually delist seniors. At a certain age, 85 say, seniors would simply disappear from government records. Attempts to receive social assistance or medical care could then more easily be ignored or denied by providers. As required, the qualifying (or, more accurately, de-qualifying) age would be lowered in successive years to meet ongoing budgetary limitations.

Finally, consideration should be given to reduced sentencing for motor manslaughter charges involving victims over 65. Those convicted would have their sentence set by the formula "65 minus the age of the victim" with special incentive awards given for those scoring less than zero. Not only would this approach reduce the absolute number of seniors, it would also help to ensure that only healthy, agile seniors survive thereby further reducing the strain on the health care system.

None of these measures needs to be permanent, of course. In fact, as a 59-year old baby boomer, I recommend they be implemented for a five-year trial period and revisit the issue then. At that point, it would be highly beneficial to canvass those over 65 to see if the program should be continued at all.

Deux Nations: The Reality Show

2009-08-25T12:41:00.002-04:00

CBC’s fall television lineup is set and it looks like it’s more of the same. That means more Rick Mercer, more "Little Mosque on the Prairie" and, in keeping with current trends, more reality shows.

Sadly, though, most Canadian reality shows are nothing more than copies of American or British shows. The only new truly Canadian-themed reality offering this fall appears to be "Battle of the Blades" featuring competing teams of figure skaters and hockey players. Rumor has it, however, that the CBC hopes to rectify this deficiency by airing one or more of the following uniquely Canadian reality shows currently under consideration:

The Week the Politicians Went

Based on the popular reality-documentary series "The Week the Women Went", this new show takes a look at what happens in the nation’s capital when all the politicians are called home. Will the local bureaucrats be able to survive without the expertise and guidance of their political masters? Or will anyone even notice?

Deux Nations

Loosely based on the "Big Brother" series, "Deux Nations" features six anglophones, six francophones and one aboriginal person living on the same territory. Drama and comedy ensue as the participants battle it out to see whose language predominates, who gets which piece of land and which of the many possible ways the aboriginal person ultimately gets screwed.

Who Hates Toronto More?

Teams from every province and territory compete to see who hates Toronto more. Each week, a different team is eliminated by viewers voting to indicate which one they feel was insufficiently anti-TO. Ironically, the final competition between the last surviving three teams will be held at Toronto’s Massey Hall.

Constitutional Wrangling

Groups of Canadian politicians, academics and political commentators are holed up in the Chateau Laurier Hotel in Ottawa to hammer out a new constitution for Canada. Every week, each group presents its proposed replacement for a different current constitutional bottleneck like the amending formula or the notwithstanding clause. The final episode will feature any remaining Canadian viewers voting on their preferred new Canadian Constitution.

Summertime

Environment Canada weather guru David Phillips hosts a new weekly quiz show in which Canadians compete to guess when summer will arrive and for how long. Hours of sunshine with above 25 degree temperatures will be tracked for upwards of two months to see who can come closest to identifying an actual Canadian summer. Contestants from Windsor and the southeast mainland of British Columbia are disqualified from competing.

Canadian Content, Eh?

Canadians value their Canadian content in everything from dance to music to drama. But how many of us know what actually qualifies under the arcane rules of the CRTC? Well here’s a chance to find out. Contestants will compete in a quiz show format. They’ll get to watch or listen to different productions and then guess whether they qualify as "Canadian content" and explain why. The entertainment promises to be non-stop.

Minority House

Four teams of ideologically distinct contestants are forced to live 24/7 in a cramped common house in Ottawa. The teams battle one another for an elusive majority yet somehow never seem to attain it. In the end, however, all the residents do have one goal in common: to live in the house at least six years in order to win the ultimate prize - a gold-plated, parliamentary pension.

Seal Club

Inspired by the movie "Fight Club", this show pits Newfoundland sealers against celebrity animal lovers in a weekly no-holds-barred competition. Armed only with their wits and the occasional club, each camp tries to outlast the other and avoid being voted "off the ice floe." Weekly guest stars like Paul McCartney, Brigitte Bardot and Pamela Anderson ensure "Seal Club"will be a ratings winner for the people’s network.

Born in the U.S.A.

2009-08-16T20:42:00.002-04:00

In response to the movement that questions Barack Obama’s status as American born, some House Republicans have introduced proposed legislation that would require future presidential candidates to submit their birth certificates.

A lot of people are condemning and ridiculing the so-called "Birther" bill saying its supporters have gone too far. I, on the other hand, think these folks are on the right track. If the truth be known, I don’t think they’ve gone far enough.

If I were advising the House Republicans, I’d suggest that they add a few amendments to their bill to really tighten things up. Amendments like:

* Any presidential candidate over 70 claiming to be born in the Panama Canal Zone must provide not only a birth certificate but also at least three independent expert opinions attesting to his (or her) medical fitness.
* A presidential candidate who subsequently loses the popular vote by more than 500,000 votes but claims an electoral college victory must agree to step down if it turns out that he (or she) really isn’t up to the job.
* Any presidential candidate who served as governor of a state north of the 49th parallel and then resigns before completing her (or his) term should be disqualified as a "quitter."
* No vice presidential candidate may head up a candidate search committee and then claim that he (or she) is the only qualified candidate.
* Any sitting president who starts a war under false pretenses and then triples the national debt will be disqualified from seeking a second term.
* No member of Congress will be eligible to seek the office of President if he (but probably not she) supports family values and then cheats on his spouse.
* Any presidential candidate who claims he (definitely not she) was hiking the Appalachian Trail but neglects to add that he followed it all the way to Buenos Aires cannot run.
* Failure to identify more than ten foreign nations on a map of the world will disqualify anyone as a candidate for president.
* The ability to speak in complete sentences will be a condition precedent for serving in The White House.
* No person who hosts a radio talk show will be eligible to run for any office higher than dog catcher.

Beer Diplomacy

2009-08-12T18:45:00.002-04:00

In the wake of his beer summit with Professor Gates and Sergeant Crowley, President Obama has applied the lessons learned to other ongoing disputes. Apparently, the "teachable moment" was also instructional for him.

Seldom reliable sources report that the President has already scheduled a meeting this week between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. It is hoped that by sharing a beer together, the three leaders can come to some mutual agreement on the outstanding issues concerning Gaza and the West Bank.

Bud Light will apparently again be Obama’s favored brew. Although the two Middle Eastern leaders have not yet confirmed their attendance at the planned suds summit, both have indicated their beverage of choice. Prime Minister Netanyahu has asked for an Expanded Settlements lager and President Abbas has opted instead for a glass of wine, preferably a pre-1967 vintage.

Hoping to expand his new hops-based diplomatic initiative, President Obama has also extended invitations to the leaders of both remaining axis of evil members, Iran and North Korea. Obama hopes his new softer approach will open up fruitful diplomatic channels with the two hardline states.

Neither leader has yet accepted the invitation. However, State Department insiders have revealed that both have let it be known which brand of beer they would like to have. President Ahmadinejad of Iran has reportedly asked for a When Hell Freezes Over stout and North Korean leader Kim Jong-il will have an Over My Dead Body ale.

Obama has also reportedly invited Chinese Chairman Hu Jintao to The White House to engage in some beer-related diplomacy. The President has asked Chairman Hu to bring several billion bottles of beer with him and is hoping to unload an equal number of empties on the Chinese leader.

"We rely heavily on the goodwill of our eastern friend," said Obama. "And we’re hoping he can continue to support our ongoing beer habit. As I reminded the Chairman during our telephone discussion last week, from an American perspective, you can never really buy beer, you just rent it."

And finally, the President is also hoping to apply his new beer diplomacy to the legislative battle for healthcare reform. Unfortunately, it appears that he may have little success on this front.

Not surprisingly, most Republican members of Congress declined to share any kind of beer with Obama and many so-called Blue Dog Democrats expressed a preference for Busch Light. Thus, when it comes to healthcare, it looks like the President may have to forego his usual beer of choice and down a couple of shots of Old Crow instead.

Calling All Governors

2009-08-09T17:59:00.002-04:00

The National Governors Association has launched a campaign to find suitable new candidates for America’s state governorships. Starting with a lengthy ad on Craigslist, the NGA is planning a year long drive to recruit qualified men and women to take on the nation’s second tier executive positions.

"It’s not as if we haven’t been trying to find good people to fill these jobs," said current NGA chair Ed Rendell. "But we haven’t had much luck in finding qualified folks and recent events have only underscored the problem."

Pressed to explain himself, the Pennsylvania governor noted that there seems to be a definite trend lately in state politics in America.

"I suppose it’s to be expected that there will be the occasional bad apple in any employment sector," said Rendell. "But we seem to be in the midst of an epidemic of incompetence."

"It’s one thing to have former governors go on to become President and screw up the country," said the Governor. "We’ve gotten kind of used to that what with Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush. But this latest rash of scandals and resignations makes it clear that we have a definite problem finding and keeping good people to run our nation’s states."

Rendell was initially reluctant to name names but it became readily apparent that he was referring to the spate of recent fallen governors including disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich who faces various corruption charges, former Governor Jim McGreevey of New Jersey who had an affair with his male aide, former Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York who paid a call girl thousands of dollars for sex and current South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford who secretly flew to South America to meet with his Argentinian mistress.

And it appears that the problem is not restricted to male governors. Soon-to-be-retired Alaska Governor Sarah Palin avoided personal sex scandals but somehow couldn’t manage to serve one complete term before resigning.

"We regret that we’ve had to resort to a recruitment campaign to find new governors," said Rendell. "Buy we had no choice. Having said that, I think you’ll agree that our advertisements are simple and effective."

Those who watched a preview of the NGA’s soon-to-be-aired TV commercial generally agreed. The ad features a silhouette with a question mark and a voiceover asking "Can you sign your name? Can you serve a full term? Can you remain faithful to your spouse? If you said ‘yes’ to these three questions, you may have a career as a U. S. state governor. Call the NGA today for more information."

Governor Rendell is confident that the ad campaign will ultimately be successful in recruiting good candidates for the states’ top positions.

"It’s not like we’re asking a lot from prospective governors," said Rendell. "Keep your pants on, sign some bills, don’t break the law and wait until your term’s over. In these difficult economic times, I’m betting that we can find at least fifty people who qualify. And frankly, that’s all we need."

Beyond The Palin

2009-07-15T15:23:00.001-04:00

"Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska abruptly announced on Friday that she was quitting at the end of the month, shocking Republicans across the country and leaving both parties uncertain about whether she was leaving national politics or laying the groundwork for a presidential run."
- The N. Y. Times - July 4. 2009

I know a lot of you were disappointed by my announcement on Friday. Many of you hoped that I would stay on as Governor, seek reelection and then make a run for The White House. That’s why I think that I owe you a fuller explanation.

I’ve loved serving the people of Alaska and making that great state even greater. But it’s time to move on and take on new challenges. I’m not sure what those challenges will be but let me outline some possibilities.

We’re thinking of leaving Alaska. Of course we love Alaska but we know that other states need us, too. States like New Hampshire.

New Hampshire is suffering right now. There’s high unemployment and folks there could really use our help. So we’re looking into moving to the Granite State sometime in 2011 and campaigning from Berlin to Nashua to help those folks out, especially the Republican ones.

That’s not to say we don’t care about Americans in other states. With Todd, Trig, Tripp, Track, Bristol, Willow and Piper, we could travel this great country of ours from coast to coast helpin’ folks in every state of the union.

We’re thinking of making it a two or three-year tour and not just to New Hampshire. Todd says we should also scope out Iowa, South Carolina, Florida and maybe even California. Who knows? We may just buy a big RV and move wherever the spirit takes us maybe even ending up in Indianapolis, Atlanta or San Antonio sometime in August of 2012.

As you’ve heard, I’ve already signed a book deal. So some of my time in the next couple of years will be taken up with writing the story of my amazing life to date. Or to be more accurate, editing the story of my amazing life to date that’s being written by a very talented ghostwriter.

In order to edit an accurate account of my life, I’m going to have to revisit all those states that I traveled to in the last presidential election. And while I’m there, I’ll of course want to visit all those delegates that I got to know so well and recapture those great times we all had on the election trail.

Whatever I finally decide to do with my life, I know that my family will always come first. In fact, I’m hoping in a few years to make them what I like to call my First Family.

2009 Asks For A Do-over

2009-07-09T12:21:00.002-04:00

At a recent hastily called news conference, the year 2009 called for a do-over. A transcript of the event follows:

Thank you all for coming today. I know that with all the negative things going on recently, it wasn’t easy to get here. So I appreciate the efforts you have made and for those who couldn’t make it due to record-breaking traffic, unprecedented bad weather or imminent plague, my apologies.

I’ve called this press conference to ask for a favor. Like you, I haven’t been happy at all with the nature of recent events and, frankly, I’m tired of taking all the blame. That’s why today I am formally asking for a do-over.

What with the tanking global economy, the ongoing wars around the world and this spreading swine flu business, things have admittedly been pretty bad. Believe me, that wasn’t my intention back on January 1st when I started out of the gate.

Despite the shaky end to 2008, I had high hopes that I could "ring in" the New Year on a positive note. Little did I know that 2008 left me with enough hidden time bombs to sink a whole fleet of ships.

I’m not saying I’m blameless in all that’s happened so far. But you have to realize that I was left with a pretty sad picture. I don’t want to spend all my time trashing those who came before me, but you have to admit that 2008 was pretty bad.

Nevertheless, blaming my predecessor for today’s problems only goes so far. After all, I’ve had my share of surprises that popped up all on their own like those Somali pirates, that new album from Britney Spears and Dick Cheney asking for more transparency in government that I can’t really blame on anybody else. The question is how to deal with what appears to be a deteriorating situation.

If I could just get the temporal equivalent of a mulligan, I think we can get past this unpleasantness and start anew. Otherwise, I risk becoming another 1918, 1930 or 1968 and, trust me, nobody wants that.

So let’s forget this crazy year ever happened. Take two, roll again, replay, start over. How about you let me try again on July 1st? We’ll call that 2009 and I’ll do my best to get it right this time. OK?

Jon And Kate Really Grate

2009-06-25T12:11:00.002-04:00

It used to be called The Learning Channel and featured educational fare. But now it’s just called TLC and it broadcasts a raft of shows primarily about giant families or little people but so far, thankfully, not both.

TLC’s current ratings leader is the show "Jon & Kate Plus Eight", an inside look at a couple raising twins and a set of sextuplets. While the show has had a solid audience for much of its run, it now outdraws many major network shows thanks to the recent breakdown of Jon and Kate’s marriage.

The latest news from last Monday’s episode is the long-anticipated divorce of the show’s stars. With promo teasers like "Jon and Kate Gosselin have an announcement", "A family in turmoil" and "A relationship at a crossroads", it was expected that more than ten million viewers would tune in to gawk at the latest development in this ongoing train wreck.

But what if the hype had been just that....hype? What if the expected announcement was not the end of the Gosselins’ fishbowl marriage? What if America’s new favorite couple had something else to announce? Something like:

* "The show’s writers (yes, we have writers) think it would be a great idea to have a whole special big family week on TLC," said Kate Gosselin. "Where we join forces with those crazy folks on ‘18 Kids and Counting’." "Yes, I’m really looking forward to it," said Jon. "What with our sardonic sniping at one another and their wacky religious nuttiness, I think the possibilities for fun times, or maybe even religious end times, are exciting."

* "We’d like to announce that we’re planning to expand our TV family next season," said Kate Gosselin. "Given all the troubles that Nadia Suleman, the Octomom, is having with her new octuplets, we thought we’d like to help out and adopt them, at least for the next season or two." "That’s right," said Jon Gosselin. "We figure we can only squeeze so many ratings points out of our marriage troubles and there’ll soon come a time when we need a new twist to keep our viewers interested. And we really like the title of the revamped show: ‘Jon & Kate Plus Eight Plus Eight’."

* "We feel we’ve done a lot for America by opening up our home to viewers from coast to coast," said Kate Gosselin. "But we’re finding that it’s just not as satisfying as it used to be." "I agree," said Jon. "And that’s why we’re planning to move the show to Israel next season. We figure that by showing everyone in the Middle East how the ten of us manage to get along we can bring some much needed peace and understanding to the region. But don’t look for us to build a settlement in the West Bank. Somehow I don’t think that would be very helpful."

* "Television history shows that one surefire way to exploit the success of a show," said Jon Gosselin. "Is to have a spinoff." "I couldn’t agree more," said Kate Gosselin. "And that’s why we’re looking at expanding the marriage breakup theme and debuting two new shows: ‘Jon Plus Four’ and ‘Kate Plus Four’. Or maybe we’ll piggyback on one of TLC’s other popular series and start our own birth control show called ‘What Not To Bear’."