“Good afternoon and welcome aboard AirObama flight 13 to anywhere the President feels like going. In view of recent government developments, today we will definitely be departing an overheated Washington, D. C. and may even be leaving the country entirely until such time as local hot spots cool off.
“Today’s weather in the nation’s capital is unsettled with continuing opposition high pressure disturbances still causing problems in the Senate, the House, the National Security Agency and the Internal Revenue Service. Visibility is severely restricted and hindsight is nonexistent. Our moral compass is presently on an indeterminate setting.
“It is hoped that conditions will be more favorable outside of the nation’s capital, particularly in friendlier western destinations such as L.A. and San Francisco. If not, we may have to alter our course for one or more foreign capitals.
“Our flying time today will be however long it takes to get to a place where they’ve never heard of Benghazi, the NSA, the IRS or the Department of Justice. We’ll be flying at an altitude of approximately one hundred feet in order to avoid detection by any media radar systems. Please remain securely buckled in your seats at all times as it may be necessary to take evasive action to elude any incoming Republican flak.
“Your pilot today is 43-year-old chief of staff Denis McDonough who recently took over from the former flight chief, Captain Jack Lew. Although Captain McDonough is AirObama's fifth pilot in five years, it is hoped that his years of national security experience will help him guide the White House through any upcoming turbulence.
“This aircraft is a Boeing VC-25. It features a fuselage with two fixed wings although the left wing is slightly more prominent than the right wing. The plane also has numerous cockpit and passenger windows although few remain transparent.
“The interior of the plane features a large presidential swivel chair near the front to allow the occupant to keep a close eye on the other passengers. The remaining seats are arranged in twelve rows with a centrally-located aisle. In the back, you will notice several hanging straps to provide standing-room-only accommodation for members of the media who, alas, will not be flying with us today.
“There will be no meal service on board today’s flight in keeping with AirObama’s motto “there’s no free lunch.” We will, however, be handing out complimentary media materials for your reading pleasure including recently obtained internal documents and phone records from Fox News and the Associated Press.
“There is no in-flight entertainment on AirObama. However, flight attendants will be handing out headsets which we insist you use for any incoming or outgoing calls. There is no cause for concern as this measure is for security purposes only and we probably won’t be listening to the details of your calls.
“Please note that this plane does not as yet have any emergency exits. Rest assured that Captain McDonough and the other members of the White House flight crew are desperately working on this matter and hope to have it rectified before the next midterm election.”