In light of the continuing controversy over Bill C-30, the Protecting Children from Internet Predators Act, Canada’s Conservative Government® has decided to introduce the following additional pieces of legislation:
The Protecting Members of Parliament from Twitter Fanatics Act
Prime Minister Harper has taken personal ownership of this new bill and hopes to see early passage. The primary purpose is to exempt Canadian parliamentarians from any mention on Twitter posts anywhere in the world.
“It’s just common sense,” said the Prime Minister. “MPs cannot carry out their very important functions if every aspect of their lives is broadcast through such frivolous media. How can they be expected to concentrate on the tasks of running the country if they have to answer to all manner of public documents and factual statements?”
The Protection of the Sanctity of Marriage Act
In keeping with their pro-family agenda, Canada’s Conservative Government® has deemed it necessary to take measures to protect the institution of marriage. Justice Minister Rob Nicholson states that this bill is a necessary follow-up to the legalization of same-sex marriage.
“While we may not have supported same-sex marriage initially,” says Minister Nicholson. “Now that it is a reality, we consider it important to provide certain protections to all marriages, be they heterosexual, homosexual or asexual.”
Those protections include a ban on the publication of any particulars of divorce proceedings. “To ensure that the institution of marriage continues to be held in high regard,” said Nicholson. “It only makes sense to restrict reference to anything that might have to do with marriage breakdown.”
Apparently Mr. Nicholson was heard to say that if you’re not for this bill then you’re against all forms of marriage including gay marriage.
The Announcement of New Legislation When the Prime Minister is in Canada Act
The aim of this bill appears to be twofold. First, the government wants to ensure that the Prime Minister no longer announces his government’s legislative intent while overseas in such places as Switzerland and China. As noted by Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird: “The Prime Minister should leave it to me to make dumb statements or hug cute panda bears while out of the country.”
Second, the government wants to ensure that any ministers of the Crown hold off on public comment on proposed legislation under their purview until the Prime Minister is back from any foreign trips. This latter provision, known as the Toews Amendment, will ensure that a minister cannot unilaterally take any action or make any incendiary statement without first clearing it with the Prime Minister.
The Avoid Helicopters At All Costs Act
This bill is specifically directed at the Minister of National Defence and spells out unequivocally the minister’s obligation to avoid anything to do with unwinged motorized aviation devices. That means avoiding any purchases of helicopters, any rides in helicopters and even any mention of helicopters, choppers, eggbeaters or whirlybirds.
When asked to comment on the proposed legislation, current National Defense Minster Peter MacKay demurred stating off the record that he was afraid that even referencing the bill might get him into more hot water.
The I’m the Boss and Do As I Say Act
The Prime Minister has decided to also champion this new bill. “I think some of my ministers still aren’t clear on the nature of their portfolios and the extent of their ministerial power,” said Mr. Harper. “If they had any doubts before, this bill will make it abundantly clear who’s in charge.”
Some observers have questioned the need for this particular piece of legislation given the Prime Minister’s current iron grip on all aspects of the governing process. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to formalize the status quo,” Treasury Board President Stockwell Day was heard to say. “But I won’t get in trouble for saying that, will I?”
The Liberals and NDP are Big Crybabies Act
This bill has no actual monetary or punitive provisions. Much like the Multiculturalism Act, the Liberals and NDP are Big Crybabies Act is simply a recitation of principles dear to the hearts of some Canadians and all Conservatives.
The short form title of the bill is the Opposition Sucks Act and it contains ten sections comprising a litany of right-wing complaints against the Tories’ opponents. Informally referred to as the Ten Commandments, they include such articles of faith as “They’re all socialists”, “All they do is tax and spend”, “They’re all bleeding hearts” and, of course, “Trudeau sucks.”