King Stephen I
To all federal Conservative Members of Parliament and their spouses:
You are hereby cordially invited to the coronation of Stephen Joseph Harper, Count of Calgary Southwest, Duke of Drumheller and Earl of the Oilsands, who will be crowned King Stephen I, King of all of the provinces and territories of the Dominion of Canada save and except for Newfoundland and most of Quebec.
The ceremony will take place in the Red Chamber of Canada’s Senate on Friday, June 3, 2011 at 1 P.M. The Governor General has graciously and not unexpectedly declared that Friday to be a national holiday so that all manner of citizen, Tory and non-Tory, rich and poor, have and have-not, may celebrate the investiture of our new King.
The coronation ceremony will be followed by a public reception where the newly crowned King Stephen I will address his subjects and receive gifts. The royal family has indicated that it wishes any presents be made in the form of charitable donations to the monarch’s favorite causes including the Fraser Institute, the Manning Centre and the Conservative Party of Canada.
You are also cordially invited to attend a grand royal ball to be held on Friday evening at the newly christened Chateau Laurier Palace. A dinner and dance will be held, at which time King Stephen I will unveil his Hidden Agenda. It does not include the elimination of the Long Gun Registry, the Wheat Board and the CBC since, according to Royal sources, those items were never really hidden.
At the same time, King Stephen will announce that he will retain his title of Prime Minister and likewise his power to appoint a Cabinet. Cabinet Members will henceforth be only titular and honorary positions which, for all practical purposes, will involve little change from the previous five years.
Friday evening’s dinner will be a black tie affair with a sumptuous menu fit for the occasion. The dinner will include several servings of red meat for the social conservatives attending, just desserts for those who previously questioned the King’s authority and ample portions of crow for any Liberal interlopers who might try to attend.
For those concerned about the expenses involved in the day’s festivities, the soon-to-be King has assured his subjects that those expenses will be easily subsumed within the $11 billion savings to be realized from the upcoming restructuring of the federal public service. Furthermore, it is believed that both the oil and banking industries will be making generous donations to underwrite the event.
Not since the reign of Canada’s last monarch, William Lyon McKenzie I, has there been a King on the throne in Canada. The more than sixty-year interregnum has finally ended. God save King Stephen I and long may he reign over our great Dominion or until such time as it may join with our sainted neighbor to the south.